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| Link | Quote | Stars | Tags | Author |
| ded823b | At London Zoo, a girl leaped over the wall at the penguin enclosure. She thought that by tugging her pullover over her head, waddling and catching a fish in her mouth she could pass herself off as a penguin. | David Walliams | ||
| 54d7af7 | One Christmas on a school outing to see the local pantomime two pupils stole the pantomime horse costume. They were only found out when several months later they attempted to enter the Grand National. | David Walliams | ||
| 3fa57af | GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM YOU VILE LITTLE GIRL! AND TAKE THAT DISGUSTING CREATURE WITH YOU!" snarled the teacher." | David Walliams | ||
| 37f0482 | Oh it's just my breakfast, Lisa. A couple of bags of Maltesers, a Toblerone, a Bounty, Jelly Tots, some Skips, seven bags of Monster Munch, Raj was doing a special offer on those, a box of Creme Eggs, and a can of Diet Coke. | David Walliams | ||
| 4c90047 | What I still don't get though," ventured John. "Is why you did it?" "Did what?" "Put that dress on in the first place." "I don't know really," said Dennis, a puzzled look crossing his face. "I suppose it's because it was fun." "Fun?" said John. "Well you know when we were younger and we used to run around the garden pretending to be Daleks or Spiderman or whatever?" | humour | David Walliams | |
| ceab3b8 | Pulling wings off daddy-longlegs, stapling cats' tails to the floor, hanging bunny rabbits on a clothes line by their ears, just a bit of fun. | David Walliams | ||
| cb1aa76 | At first all she could see was a tiny shadowy shape in the corner by the door. She tiptoed out of bed to have a closer look. It was little and dirty and a tad smelly. The dusty floorboards creaked a little under her weight. The tiny thing turned around. It was a rat. | David Walliams | ||
| 6573ad4 | Unfortunately for Ben and Granny, it turns out that ancient poo does still pong.) After | David Walliams | ||
| 5a3b253 | hank you, Miss Midget, I mean Midge, for that beautiful tuba playing," lied Mr Grave. It had been truly awful. Like a hippopotamus farting." | David Walliams | ||
| ae898a6 | He opened the card. It was from Raj's shop and featured a big smiling cartoon bear inexplicably wearing sunglasses and Bermuda shorts. Dennis had chosen it from Raj's shop because it had "Happy Birthday to the Best Dad in the World" written on it." | David Walliams | ||
| b583a21 | HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! | David Walliams | ||
| 4890ef4 | But it had been a few moments since Joe had last eaten and he was hungry. | David Walliams | ||
| 38f78d5 | lied | David Walliams | ||
| 83623e3 | Rabbit Droppings | David Walliams | ||
| 5e79636 | Imagine that. Vomiting until all that was left to sick up was your own blood! | David Walliams | ||
| 418cad7 | He was wearing a short, electric-blue dress and holding a silver clutch-bag. It was a party dress, really, not what anyone would wear on a Sunday morning to a newsagent's shop. Least of all a twelve-year-old boy. | David Walliams | ||
| d6e6d4f | Rats are the most unloved living things on the planet. | David Walliams | ||
| e4b815e | A trip to a Dr Who exhibition ended in chaos when a number of boys stole Cybermen, Sontaran and Dalek costumes and pretended that there was an alien invasion of Earth. | David Walliams | ||
| 6fe7de1 | Hello, Raj," said Zoe sheepishly. "I don't have any money again today I am afraid." "Not a penny?" "Nothing. Sorry." | David Walliams | ||
| bb51e43 | What's the fastest speed you ever went in your Spitfire? | David Walliams | ||
| 8b07632 | RAT TAT TAT! | David Walliams | ||
| 1f140a4 | The loose skin on her face had been lifted. Her nose was smaller. Her teeth were capped. The lines on her forehead had been erased. Her eye bags had disappeared. Her wrinkles had gone. Her breasts were much, much bigger. But she was still limping. | David Walliams | ||
| 8585568 | You MUST take your pills. If you fail to take your pills, every single person in your dormitory will be PUNISHED for all ETERNITY | David Walliams | ||
| 987b6f9 | A day trip to a local farm ended in disaster when the geography teacher was herded into a sheep dip and all his hair was sheared off. It was slightly preferable to the previous year when the pupils had attached him to the milking machine. | David Walliams | ||
| 9a06a5f | Tower | David Walliams | ||
| 1aef57f | show, Trisha. Dennis had seen a Trisha episode about people with depression, and thought maybe his dad had that. Dennis loved Trisha. It was a daytime talk show where ordinary people were given the opportunity to talk about their problems, or yell abuse at their relatives, and it was all presided over by a kindly looking but judgemental woman conveniently called... Trisha. For a while Dennis thought life without his mum would be some kind o.. | David Walliams | ||
| e877bd1 | oe led her father out of the pub, | David Walliams | ||
| d633625 | People remain what they are even if their faces fall apart. | Bertolt Brecht | ||
| 50124c9 | How did it sound?" asked Tom. "Awful! But it didn't matter how it sounded!" said Robin. "It was how it felt!" | David Walliams | ||
| d213861 | GOAL! | David Walliams | ||
| 9380ad1 | and The Witch | David Walliams | ||
| dabc29c | The man was a hero. He had given his life to save not just his son and Gabz, but all the children of the town. | David Walliams | ||
| 8fe7512 | The 1940s The 1940s were dominated by World War II and its aftermath. It was a decade of great change and upheaval for the British public as millions of soldiers joined the Armed Forces to fight, while those who stayed at home had to adjust to new rules and ways of life to help the war effort. Everyone was called upon to 'do their bit' to help the nation and people were encouraged to 'make do and mend', which meant reusing and repairing clo.. | David Walliams | ||
| 35d49c2 | never allows you to stay up to watch your favourite television programme | David Walliams | ||
| cb5c3ac | Soup of the day - wasp Gerbils on toast Or Hair lasagne (vegetarian option) Or Brick cutlet All served with deep-fried cardboard Dessert - A slice of sweat cake Tuesday Soup of the day - Caterpillar consomme Macaroni snot (vegetarian option) Or Road-kill bake Or Slipper frittata | David Walliams | ||
| 5a85377 | Friday Soup of the day - Terrapin Pan-fried otter steaks Or Owl quiche (kosher) Or Boiled poodle (not suitable for vegetarians) All served with a slice of gravy Dessert - Mouse mousse | David Walliams | ||
| 8f75c8f | flanked by two incredibly bulky nurses who dwarfed her. One nurse had a black eye, and 'LOVE' and 'HATE' tattooed on her knuckles. The other had a tattoo of a spider's web on her neck and what looked like stubble on her chin. Both scowled at the boy. They were the ugliest nurses you could ever hope to meet. Jack's eyes darted to their name badges - 'Nurse Rose' and 'Nurse Blossom'. Miss Swine was twirling what at first glance looked like a .. | David Walliams | ||
| 863d594 | Winnie Prophecy Mystelle Passionfruit Turquoise Dave Smith, take this man to be your husband . . . ?" recited the vicar." | David Walliams | ||
| 25e5e84 | PUSH! | David Walliams | ||
| 31b5be2 | As Twilight Towers was set on the edge of the moors, streetlamps were few and far between. | David Walliams | ||
| ef59b85 | The Queen's bum remained purple. She showed it to everyone in the country when she gave her yearly speech to the nation on Christmas Day, calling it her 'anus horribilis'. | David Walliams | ||
| e9af761 | In his dreams, he would be a hero. In his life, he felt like a zero. | David Walliams | ||
| 2f22b88 | It was as if the coffin was a toboggan. A coffin toboggan. A coffboggan. | David Walliams | ||
| 4a8c555 | Flip had written many volumes of poetry: | David Walliams |