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| Link | Quote | Stars | Tags | Author |
| 9f032d2 | Congratulations. A new low. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| b1ec28e | Soon enough it was explained to Buck Nance that Key West was a bad location to be making fun of homosexuals, and also African-Americans. This bulletin was delivered by a 275-pound biker who happened to be both gay and black, and owned a right hand that fit easily around Buck's stringy, hirsute neck. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| 7397c8e | Buck got walloped by flying fists and Budweiser bottles, and at one point a man costumed as Lady Gaga attempted to rip the beard from his chin. The man was surprisingly strong, and wore just enough jasmine perfume to be distracting. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| a8ca275 | So that's your man? The 'talent' you manage?' 'He had a bad night.' Coolman said tightly. Merry cackled. 'A bad night? The dude's a total homophobe! Also a bigot!' 'There's a culture gap, that's all.' 'No, it's a decency gap, Bob! Your client's a flaming a-hole! What's the matter with you? I'm so disappointed.' Coolman had received other morality lectures, though never from a professional criminal. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| 08df264 | In our attempt to make conservation easy, we have made it trivial. | Aldo Leopold | ||
| 59dfe37 | Buck stared at this degenerate ambassador for his own popularity, wondering how many other Brethren fans were homicidal, nutjob stalkers. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| efabb49 | Yancy might have found humor in the bourbon-soaked TV version of rural Southern life, if Buck was just another harmless stooge. But he wasn't. He was a septic inspiration to impressionable mouth-breathers such as Benny the Blister. | Carl Hiaasen (author) | ||
| c361f07 | As a manager of so-called talent, he was demoralized to find himself in such low company, sitting between an armed crackpot and a fake chicken farmer known to millions as "Captain Cock." Back home in Beverly Hills, rival agents were dining with classy A-listers such as Javier Bardem and the Cohen Brothers, or so Coolman bitterly imagined." | Carl Hiaasen (author) | ||
| c61899d | Only Indian tribes are allowed to run casino operations in Florida, so Dusty somehow persuaded a couple of rich Miccosukees from Miami to buy the marina and make it part of their reservation. Dad said the government raised a stink but later backed off because the Indians had better lawyers. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| 9693c7f | As she grew older, Erin accepted the fact that her mother was a restless gold digger who would never be happy, never be satisfied. On the other hand, her husbands knew exactly what they were getting and didn't seem to care. It taught Erin one of life's great lessons: an attractive woman could get whatever she wanted, because men were so laughably weak. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| 2769c9c | Miklos said he's applied to be night clerk at a Ramada Inn near the beach. He said the waiting list was two pages long. 'But I got more experience than most.' 'You're not kidding,' Garcia said. 'Good luck with that job.' 'Thank you,' Miklos said. 'Good luck with your murder. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| af7a16f | Eventually Garcia asked what it was like to work in a nude dance club. Shad puffed out a heavy grunt. 'After a while, you don't notice.' 'Come on.' 'Really. I'm to the point where I get excited when they put their clothes on. That's what happens after too long.' Garcia said, 'I know guys who would kill for your job.' 'They can have it. Being around naked women all day is bad for your outlook. After a while it's just tits and ass and nothing.. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| 68eac39 | Guess what I got in the trunk? An Igloo cooler. And guess what's in the cooler? A human head.' Shad violently expelled the cigar out the window. He wiped his mouth on the sleeve of his camo jacket. 'No joke,' Garcia said. 'Property of one Francisco Goyo, deceased. I can't begin to tell you how much gas I've wasted on the case. The fat prick got dumped in a dozen different zip codes.' 'Why,' Shad asked, 'do you got his head in an Igloo?' 'So.. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| 3afa72d | She said, 'you think I'm a whore?' 'Don't be ridiculous.' Erin stepped back from the water. 'But you wouldn't want your daughter doing what I do.' 'My daughter,' said Garcia, 'is not leaving the house until she's thirty years old. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| d652d08 | Erin said, 'I'll ask you what you've been dying to ask me: how in the world can you do it?' 'Do what?' 'Your job. Dead bodies, day after day. I couldn't take it.' The detective said, 'hey, it's a growth industry. The state could sell fucking bonds. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| c75bd61 | Neighbors were divided on the question of whether Mrs. Braden had been excessive in her reaction. Witnesses agreed that Jesse had been a prodigious sinner, and often conducted himself in a manner that invited homicide. The shooting itself was not so much at issue as Mrs. Braden's selection of anatomical targets. The men in the crowd, sober and otherwise, felt that the mere spilling of an alcoholic beverage--and subsequent insensitive laught.. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| df2918c | Rosa got home from the office at five-thirty. They didn't go out for dinner and they didn't make love. The autopsy she'd completed was that of a girl who had died on her birthday. Only eight years old, and the parents had left her alone when they went to play the slots at the Miccosukee casino, way out on Krome Avenue. The girl was doing laps in the backyard pool when her appendix ruptured, no one there to hear the cries for help. She made .. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| c5e2297 | Eventually she came to believe that her condition was one that couldn't be treated medically; she was doomed to demand more decency and consideration from her fellow humans than they demanded of themselves. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| 2fe95a4 | Buck wondered how Blister Krill had survived to middle age in a place as ethnically diverse and gun-crazy as Florida. He was confronted with the possibility that Blister had been a different person before becoming obsessed with Bayou Brethren. It was one thing to market a television program to attract low-class shit-kickers; it was another thing to create them. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| 502575a | Buck Nance appeared ashen and deflated, for good reason. Blister was his creation--the ultimate white-trash nightmare. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| 650d8a7 | Buck Nance used Lane Coolman's phone to call Krystal. 'Baby, I'm coming home soon,' he said. 'Who's this?' 'Aw, don't be like that.' 'Wait... now I remember," said his wife. 'You're the scumbag husband who keeps a whore on the side.' 'She's just another stalker. I swear to Christ.' 'Is Miracle her real name or is that what her pimp tagged her with?' 'She's a total psycho, Krystal. You can't believe a word she-' The line went dead." | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| ff39d0f | As much as Sammy Tigertail cherished the Mark Knopfler guitar, embracing it made him think of the casino from whose garish walls it had been lifted. The great Osceola would not have allowed his people to put their name on such a monstrous palace of white greed; more likely he would have set a torch to it. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| 8a82052 | Spending time with Benny the Blister had shaken Buck Nance's confidence in the superiority of the white male. He and his brothers had clung to such views since their Romberg youth, warped by their father's fulminations. While redneck stardom had exposed Buck to many white fans who were poor advertisements for a master race, Blister stood out as one of the worst specimens he'd ever met: stupid, reckless, dirty, and delusional. And that's whe.. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| 59cb7a4 | Stupidity or reason? Oh, there was no choice now. It was imbecility every time. | Aldous Huxley | ||
| b98f445 | He nearly died.' 'Yeah, because he's a fool,' Mickey said. 'There's no known cure for that. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| 10767c5 | One day he just 'snapped.' That's Mom's word for what happened. Some brat yanked one too many times on his tail, and Grandpa Kenneth spun around and punted him halfway down Main Street USA. The kid's family sued Disney World for some insane amount of money, but by then Grandpa Kenneth and Grandma Janet had already packed up and moved to Moose Lick Saskatchewan, where they opened a snowmobile dealership and never laid eyes on another tourist.. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| 6ce0bd3 | I never met a survivalist. How do you get a job like that anyway?' She smiled wanly. 'First you need a TV show. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| d13c2dc | Wild chickens were roaming all over the streets. 'Your pal ought to feel right at home,' Merry said. 'You kidding? He hates the damn things. Says they're filthy and crawling with lice.' 'Chickens get lice?' Coolman said, 'I work hard not to think about it. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| 602e448 | The pilot episode of Bayou Brethren was a major disappointment, the visual appeal of high-def hog shit having been overestimated by a network vice president who was summarily promoted to a more harmless position. The new network vice president in charge of the project felt the brothers needed a more esoteric vocation to distract from their unappealing personalities, a view shared by potential advertisers who had screened the off-putting pil.. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| 38d727f | One time I asked my father, who was super laid-back, if he believed in evil. We'd been watching the TV news when an awful story came on about some guy who went to a crowded movie theater and started shooting everyone, people he'd never met before, even kids. The lawyer for the shooter said he had severe emotional problems (which was, like, no kidding), but in my mind, that didn't account for how and why he devised a plan so awful and cold-b.. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| bbd2d02 | Stoat asked, 'Are you a manhunter?' 'More like a shit-scraper,' the visitor replied. 'And I'm starting with you. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| 8570a5c | Malley said, 'What's your problem, T.C.? If these two are dumb enough to swim through a lightning storm, let 'em go.' 'No, no, I gotta think.' The governor said thinking was highly overrated, which made me and my cousin laugh in spite of the situation. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| 544e466 | The dog was having a grand time. That's the thing about being a Labrador Retriever, you were born for fun. Seldom was your loopy, freewheeling mind cluttered by contemplation and never at all by somber worry. Every day was a romp. What else could there possibly be to life? Eating was a thrill, pissing was a treat, shitting was a joy. And licking your own balls? Bliss! | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| ee25e62 | I'm not a religious person,' Skink continued, 'but stealing a preacher's car is a slime-dog move, even by the gutter standards of today's common criminal. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| be85dad | He was accompanied by his occasional 'security assistant,' a man called Prawney, who was tall, bald, and African-American. These characteristics were practically mandatory at the security firm that employed Prawney. Many of its celebrity clients were white, and white celebrities always wanted big, shiny, black muscle. It was a status thing. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| 435b18f | Would he go for a bribe? Straight cash?' 'He says it's against his principles,' David Dilbeck said. 'But he's amenable to a free blowjob.' A pulse became visible in Moldowsky's neck. 'Let's see if I understand. Only if the lady goes down on the judge does she get custody of her child?' 'He says he'll consider it, that's all. 'Brownie points' is the way he put it.' 'David, I'll say this: you're one terrific negotiator. They needed you at the.. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| f43f5f8 | Killian won't go for it. The mother won't go for it. Hell, Davey, I've got no morals whatsoever, and I wouldn't go for it! It's the worst goddamn thing I ever heard. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| e5b7fc8 | For political reasons, the government's payout to the sugar industry was patriotically promoted as aid to the struggling family farmer. True, some of the big sugar companies were family owned, but the family members themselves seldom touched the soil. The closest most of them got to the actual crop were the cubes that they dropped in their coffee at the Banker's Club. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| b1c2935 | It was a buoyant and eager postgraduate who arrived at the Rosenstiel campus on Virginia Key, for he had grandly envisioned himself sailing the lazy tropics on a schooner, tracking pods of playful bottlenosed dolphins. In this fantasy, Chaz held binoculars in one hand and a frosty margarita in the other. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| 0935c9b | At graduation, the entire Rosenstiel faculty rose as one to cheer Chaz as he crossed the stage, so elated were they to see the last of him. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| 89660dc | From then on the sisters were unstoppable, the go-to team for celebrities in mid-flameout. When Cherry Pye's high-paid publicist jumped ship--after accompanying her to an NPR interview in which she pretended to deep-throat the microphone--the rocket ship was already on fire. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| 8c8931c | We're much more efficient at carnage now. Try your very hardest not to participate. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| af987b2 | Shad pointed to the book on the cocktail table. 'The guy in this story, he turns into a motherfucking centipede. Wakes up one morning and bingo! He's a bug. Sounds asinine, but it sure makes you think. People change overnight, they're not careful. | Carl Hiaasen | ||
| 01922f9 | This is not a well person. This is a man who put a shock collar on your husband, a man who gets high off frog slime. He's done things you don't want to know about, probably even killed people.' 'At least he believes in something. | Carl Hiaasen |