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| Link | Quote | Stars | Tags | Author |
| 886c898 | When you're in bed, you're dead" | Mitch Albom | ||
| 99b23f3 | Death: the only true emotion felt in an apathetic world" | Mitch Albom | ||
| c011d05 | Love wins. Love always wins." | Mitch Albom | ||
| ccb5ffd | Love each other or perish." | Mitch Albom | ||
| 98e23d5 | Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone." | Mitch Albom | ||
| 405fccf | Don't hang on too long, but don't let go too soon." | Mitch Albom | ||
| 14c0557 | Without love, we are birds with broken wings." | Mitch Albom | ||
| cf5f030 | Is today the day? Am I ready? Am I doing all I need to do? Am I being the person I want to be?" | Mitch Albom | ||
| 70eef96 | If the culture doesn't work, don't buy it." | Mitch Albom | ||
| 1fdf9aa | If we can remember the feeling of love we once had, we can die without ever going away." | Mitch Albom | ||
| d0fcb04 | What is it about silence that makes people uneasy?" | Mitch Albom | ||
| f172b48 | Fairness doesn't govern life and death. If it did, no good man would ever die young." | Mitch Albom | ||
| 3f08bab | One withers, another grows." | Mitch Albom | ||
| 94faa77 | That's what heaven is. You get to make sense of your yesterdays." | Mitch Albom | ||
| d6622fc | A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| eb67820 | I am not addicted to gambling although I am addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| 7371b87 | I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| 70e1a62 | I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| e32a796 | I dressed up for the CD. | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| f583d2f | I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| 99b453b | I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long. | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| d00de11 | This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty. | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| c433cf5 | I play sports... No I don't, what the fuck? | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| 8d6c31d | I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist... Alright. | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| 132e1e5 | If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up. | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| 6bc78c6 | So I wish I could play little league now, I'd kick some fuckin' ass. | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| f0e23dc | You can't please all the people all the time. And yesterday, all those people were at my show. | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| f4601c2 | My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| 251ba4e | When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was. | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| e645d6a | I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit. | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| 520cec8 | I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died. | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| 4b53cbc | I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait." | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| d41367f | I'd like to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real fuckin' big! | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| cbcb2a9 | To the people in the bathroom: How's it going in there? | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| 10f085d | Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus? | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| c01f156 | I like it when people laugh for no reason... like that lady over there. | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| 47781f2 | My girl works at Hooters, in the kitchen. | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| 63bfb57 | Somebody's got a hat they're not wearing... either that or that table's fucking hip. | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| 7c61d0a | If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way. | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| e6d827f | What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable. | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| a400c12 | Audience Member: Hey Mitch, I got something to put in that pipe for ya! | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| 12fc31a | I would imagine that the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is... fucking... clean. | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| 3b2fdd8 | If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity. | Mitch Hedberg | ||
| 990b0ed | Remember that show 'My Three Sons'? It'd be funny if it was called 'My One Dad'... wait, what? | Mitch Hedberg |