|
730dc49
|
If you're Natalie Dormer, you can take big fashion risks and shave half your head, and it looks good. If you're a normal person and you try that, you just look like you had recent brain surgery.
|
|
humor
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
52da695
|
And these days, I find I'm caring less and less about what people think of me. Maybe it's my age, maybe it's my security in my career, maybe it's because I'm skrilla flush with that dollah-dollah-bill-y'all, but if I had to identify my overall feeling these days, it's much more "Eh, screw it. Here's how I really feel."
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
ad635ac
|
Don't be closer to twice a friend's weight than to her actual weight," I told myself. This little mantra has helped me stave off obesity for more than two decades."
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
9746658
|
No matter how good you have it, it's cool to want more.
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
cd992da
|
It's sort of my go-to stock image of my childhood, actually. I think it has something to do with knowing I'll never be able to go back to that time that makes me cry every time I listen to it.
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
2187b3d
|
Hell is Whole Foods on a Sunday. It's hordes of moms in lightweight fleeces pushing one another out of the way to get to bins of dry lentils.
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
35ff70a
|
Be like Allan Pearl. Sit next to the class clown and study him. Then grow up, take everything you learned, and get paid to be a real-life clown, unlike whatever unexciting thing the actual high school class clown is doing now.
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
0ca5c42
|
Bren was the kind of best friend I dreamed about having when I was a little kid. I never knew you could have someone in your life who was pretty much on the same page about essentially everything.
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
ba459ba
|
I had placed a lot of faith in Woody Allen's belief that 80 percent of success is just showing up. I said to myself: Sure, I can just Here I am, New York! Give me a job!
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
aacc28e
|
Um, Mindy is much less like Elizabeth Bennet than she is a combination of Carrie Bradshaw and Eric Cartman.
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
31c5708
|
I have the opposite of a dry sense of humor, so I'm always impressed by it. My sense of humor is wet and loud and risque, like topless day at the water park.
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
8cfa623
|
Is Dwight really like that in real life?" to which I respond: "Oh, no, Rainn isn't like Dwight. Dwight is an angel next to Rainn. Rainn is a demon."
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
82d3cfb
|
I happen to believe that no one inherently deserves anything, except basic human rights, and not to have to watch an ad before you watch a trailer on YouTube.
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
3844ad9
|
When we graduated high school, she went to the Cooper Union in Manhattan to pursue her love of set design, and I went to Dartmouth to pursue my love of white people and North Face parkas.
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
cc8cbf2
|
It's one of those songs-- like Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven"-- that everyone knows all the words to without ever having chosen to learn them."
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
32e2183
|
And the scary thing I have noticed is that some people really feel uncomfortable around women who don't hate themselves.
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
2a4bbc1
|
Even though Mavis was my secret friend, she is the only one I hope I see again. She's the only one I wonder about. I hope she wonders about me too.
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
5393801
|
So, with my zit throbbing like a nightclub, I went to the interview.
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
78f44b1
|
Have you ever used your neighbor's Wi-Fi when it wasn't on a password? If you have the opportunity to observe someone at work, you are getting mentoring out of them even if they are unaware or resistant. Make a list of the people you think would make the greatest mentors and try to get close enough to steal their Wi-Fi.
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
e80be6b
|
stay in school and be a respectful and hardworking wallflower, and go to an accredited non-online university
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
1e1bab3
|
I liked hanging out with my family! Later, when you're grown up, you realize you never get to hang out with your family. You pretty much have only eighteen years to spend with them full time, and that's it. So, yeah, it all added up to a happy, memorable time. Even though I was never a star.
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
042920e
|
I will employ the gentle, vague expression "I'm not crazy about that on you," which should mean to you, "Holy shit, take that off, that looks terrible!" I owe it to you to give feedback like a cattle prod: painful but quick."
|
|
friendship
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
ab56406
|
I find it extremely impossible not to cry when I hear Stevie Nicks's "Landslide," especially the lyric: "I've been afraid of changing, because I've built my life around you." I think a good test to see if a human is actually a robot/android/cylon is to have them listen to this song lyric and study their reaction. If they don't cry, you should stab them through the heart. You will find a fusebox."
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
07f3955
|
And that's all show business is, really. Transitioning panics.
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
ecd0dd3
|
I laugh thinking about if they ever tried to do "Who Wore It Best?" for men's magazines. They wouldn't, because no one would care. Men don't care which men looked better in the same clothes because it's so obviously a huge waste of time. It's also why they don't have astrology sections in men's magazines."
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
b10f601
|
Unfortunately, I can't be Tina, because it's very difficult to lure her into a - type situation where we could switch bodies, even though in the movies they make it look so easy. Believe me, I've tried.
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
22883cc
|
And the stairs. Oh, the stairs. The staircase in our third-floor walk-up was the steepest, hardest, metal-est staircase I have ever encountered in my life. It was a staircase for killing someone and making it seem like an accident.
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
e60420c
|
When I was twenty-five, I went on exactly four dates with a much older guy whom I'll call Peter Parker. I'm calling him Peter Parker because the actual guy's name was also alliterative, and because, well, it's my book and I'll name a guy I dated after Spider-Man's alter ego if I want to.
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
e593888
|
No pasta. I'm serious. I will climb out of my coffin if anyone brings a baked ziti.
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
3b19bde
|
sometimes you like the idea of someone so much, you just want to do whatever it takes to make it work.
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
623a694
|
But I feel like, if you have every material good you want, you're probably doing well enough to plan a honeymoon that is within your means. Because a honeymoon is, after all, a sex vacation you're giving yourself after a massive party in your honor.
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
a367a28
|
Mom was impressed but didn't want me to go overboard, which was impossible, because I was still eating a lot. I just had taken a break from eating like a professional football player.
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
19e14c8
|
Like every heterosexual woman and gay man in the country, I think James Franco is a very mysterious and sexy weirdo and I'd like to be invited to do a love scene with him in one of his art house movies.
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
dcc146d
|
However, you should know I disagree with a lot of traditional advice. For instance, they say the best revenge is living well. I say it's acid in the face--who will love them now?
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
9ba6d08
|
That's why every doctor on TV is a drug addict, a sociopath, or just plain mega-rude. Doctors can do anything they want!
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
88fd39a
|
As it is, I guess I find "Jack & Diane" a little disgusting. As a child of immigrant professionals, I can't help but notice the wasteful frivolity of it all. Why are these kids not home doing their homework? Why aren't they setting the table for dinner or helping out around the house? Who allows their kids to hang out in parking lots? Isn't that loitering?"
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
c95deee
|
And when I say the Fashion Police, of course I'm speaking of the small group of screeching gay guys and fashion "experts" on that E! show led by the reanimated corpse of Joan Rivers."
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
17f9b99
|
So it was surprising that I killed it as a babysitter. Er, maybe "killed it" is a wrong and potentially troubling way to express what I'm trying to say."
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
82f1bf7
|
Bennifer was so big it was as though two people had never been in love before, and they had discovered it.
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
a75b3bf
|
Our Klutz clangs into Stop signs while riding a bike, and knocks over giant displays of expensive fine china. Despite being five foot nine and weighing 110 pounds, she is basically like a drunk buffalo who has never been a part of human society. But Fred Tom loves her anyway.
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
1dc7607
|
If you look closely, you can see this woman's ribs through the dress she's wearing-- that's how skinny she is, this cheesecake-loving cow.
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
5e23e23
|
my secret is: even though I wish I could be thin, and that I could have the ease of lifestyle that I associate with being thin, I don't wish for it with all of my heart. Because my heart is reserved for way more important things. I will leave you with one last piece of advice, which is: If you've got it, flaunt it. And if you don't got it? Flaunt it. 'Cause what are we even doing here if we're not flaunting it?
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
fcc4f21
|
I think that's the lesson of this story: you never know what is going to happen.
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
a982376
|
When I played the "I don't feel comfortable" card, he knew it was over. "I don't feel comfortable" is the classic manipulative girl get-my-way line. It's right up there with "I don't feel entirely safe." Was it fair? Nope. Was it cool? Absolutely not. But it also wasn't fair or cool for him to have brought three dozen size-zero gowns to my photo shoot."
|
|
|
Mindy Kaling |