ab55de7
|
I have nobody in the world. I'll kill myself. That's best. Everyone will say, It's for the best that she killed herself, she's better off dead . . . I hate myself so much I could spend hours and hours just screaming with hatred and with the pain of it, oh the pain of it . . .
|
|
depression
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
suicidal
self-loathing
self-hatred
|
Iris Murdoch |
221abea
|
I crave for love, everybody does . . . and I've never had a bloody crumb of it--and I've given so much love to people--I can really love people, I can, I let them walk over me--but nobody's ever loved me.
|
|
love
unreciprocated-love
unloved
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
sad
unrequited-love
|
Iris Murdoch |
d71b68e
|
"It might be most dramatically effective to begin the tale at the moment when Arnold Baffin rang me up and said, "Bradley, could you come round here please, I think I have just killed my wife."
|
|
opening
narrator
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
dramatic
narrative
meta
storytelling
|
Iris Murdoch |
3f8737c
|
I am, I must confess, an obsessive and superstitious letter-writer. When I am troubled I will write any long letter rather than make a telephone call. This is perhaps because I invest letters with magical power. To desiderate something in a letter is, I often irrationally feel, tantamount to bringing it about. A letter is a barrier, a reprieve, a charm against the world, an almost infallible method of acting at a distance. (And, it must be admitted, of passing the buck.) It is a way of bidding time to stop.
|
|
writing
superstitious
obsessive
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
magical
letters
|
Iris Murdoch |
3c78923
|
"You've obviously never been in love." "I have actually. And . And--always--without hope--I've never had my love reciprocated ever."
|
|
love
unreciprocated-love
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
painful
in-love
sad
unrequited-love
|
Iris Murdoch |
aff24b1
|
Only take someone's hand in a certain way, even look into their eyes in a certain way, and the world is changed forever.
|
|
romantic
romance
love
gazing
holding-hands
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
irrevocable
touch
|
Iris Murdoch |
995b2e2
|
I've been so unhappy for years, so unhappy . . . I don't understand how a human being can be so unhappy all the time and still be alive.
|
|
suffering
unending
unendurable
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
unhappy
suicidal
miserable
|
Iris Murdoch |
374a2b7
|
Let me sleep at last. I've had misery enough in my life. You said there was nowhere to go to. There is death to go to. I've had misery enough in my life.
|
|
sleep
escape
desperate
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
suicidal
misery
|
Iris Murdoch |
b05d5c1
|
I know people can be awful dooms for each other.
|
|
toxic-relationships
the-black-prince
toxic-people
iris-murdoch
unhealthy
doom
|
Iris Murdoch |
8fac1f1
|
I did not like the look of him at all. Something significantly ill-omened which I could not yet define emanated from him.
|
|
bad-omens
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
foreboding
|
Iris Murdoch |
2a6306c
|
Then the front doorbell (already too long delayed by my rambling narrative) rang.
|
|
narrator
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
self-deprecating
narrative
meta
|
Iris Murdoch |
d510c11
|
I shall not attempt here to describe my marriage. Some impression of it will doubtless emerge. For the present story, its general nature rather than its detail is important. It was not a success. At first I saw her as a life-bringer. Then I saw her as a death-bringer. Some women are like that. There is a sort of energy which seems to reveal the world: then one day you find you are being devoured. Fellow victims will know what I mean. Possibly I am a natural bachelor.
|
|
marriage
relationships
humor
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
omission
|
Iris Murdoch |
69f934e
|
You get so worked up and flowery! You sound as if you were quoting something all the time!
|
|
humor
flowery
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
quoting
|
Iris Murdoch |
4d38cb7
|
I'm not interested. I never liked him. He's some sort scoundrel.
|
|
humor
scoundrel
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
dialogue
dislike
|
Iris Murdoch |
ff36d4b
|
The virtues have secret names: they are, so difficult of access, secret things. Everything that is worthy is secret.
|
|
secret
the-black-prince
worthy
virtues
|
Iris Murdoch |
7e2ecc0
|
Only stories and magic really endure.
|
|
magic
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
lasting
stories
|
Iris Murdoch |
8d0063a
|
There is a kind of despair involved in creation which I am sure any artist knows all about. In art, as in morality, great things go by the board because at the crucial moment we blink our eyes. When is the crucial moment? Greatness is to recognize it and be able to hold it and to extend it. But for most of us the space between 'dreaming on things to come' and 'it is too late, it is all over' is too tiny to enter. And so we let each thing go, thinking vaguely that it will always be given to us to try again. Thus works of art, and thus whole lives of men, are spoilt by blinking and moving quickly on. I often found that I had ideas for stories, but by the time I had thought them out in detail they seemed to me hardly worth writing, as if I had already 'done' them: not because they were bad, but because they already belonged to the past and I had lost interest. My thoughts were soon stale to me. Some things I ruined by starting them too soon. Others by thinking them so intensely in my head that they were over before they began. Projects would change in a second from hazy uncommitted dreams into unsalvageable ancient history. Whole novels existed only in their titles.
|
|
writer
writing
inspiration
crucial-moment
elusive
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
creative-process
|
Iris Murdoch |
2dc9b4b
|
Of course we have an 'unconscious mind' and this is partly what my book is about. But there is no general chart of that lost continent. Certainly not a 'scientific' one.
|
|
metaphor
unknowable
the-black-prince
subconscious-mind
subconscious
|
Iris Murdoch |
1d7c738
|
Only sometimes at night when I think that you live now and are somewhere, I shed tears.
|
|
parted
separated
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
crying
separation
tears
sad
|
Iris Murdoch |
c593622
|
There was a shadowy light, not exactly twilight, but an uncertain vivid yet hazy illumination, wherein people walked like spirits, bathed in light and not revealed.
|
|
light
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
description
|
Iris Murdoch |
58df7d4
|
A few people paused to look at him, but Londoners were by now so accustomed to 'weirdies' of all kinds that his ritual aroused little interest.
|
|
londoners
onlookers
passerby
weirdies
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
london
|
Iris Murdoch |
23b5103
|
And I was upset to find how really reluctant I was to leave my little flat. It was as if I was almost frightened. Spasms of prophetic homesickness pierced me as I rearranged the china and dusted it with my handkerchief, obsessive visions of burglaries and desecrations.
|
|
fear
hermetic
homebody
recluse
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
anxiety
homesickness
worry
|
Iris Murdoch |
6211c2c
|
The room had the rather sinister tedium which some bedrooms have, a sort of weary banality which is a reminder of death. A dressing table can be a terrible thing.
|
|
humor
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
morbid
description
|
Iris Murdoch |
4753e09
|
I struggled with a nebulous work which seemed now a , now a vast novel, wherein a hero not unlike myself pursued, amid ghostly incidents, a series of reflections about life and art.
|
|
writer
writing
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
struggling
meta
plot
|
Iris Murdoch |
d1cf6e8
|
Give yourself to these great works of art. They suffice for a lifetime.
|
|
enduring
great-works-of-art
works-of-art
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
lifetime
art
|
Iris Murdoch |
2eb33b1
|
I want to be cut off from people like Marloe. Being a real person oneself is a matter of setting up limits and drawing lines and saying no. I don't want to be a nebulous bit of ectoplasm straying around in other people's lives. That sort of vague sympathy with everybody precludes any real understanding of anybody . . . And it precludes any real loyalty to anybody.
|
|
understanding
relationships
discerning
setting-limits
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
loner
loyalty
|
Iris Murdoch |
587585c
|
The world is perhaps ultimately to be defined as a place of suffering. Man is a suffering animal, subject to ceaseless anxiety and pain and fear.
|
|
suffering
the-human-condition
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
worldview
nihilism
the-world
pessimism
|
Iris Murdoch |
7d9be3a
|
I just want to serve and help people and be good to everybody, only it always goes wrong somehow--I think about suicide all the time, every bloody day I want to die and stop this torture, but I go crawling on . . . I'm so Christ-awful bloody lonely I could scream with it for hours on end.
|
|
loneliness
desperate
rejected
unlucky
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
selfless
suicidal
|
Iris Murdoch |
f79e3d0
|
Most friendships are a sort of frozen and undeveloping semi-hostility.
|
|
relationships
friendship
hostility
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
stagnant
resentment
|
Iris Murdoch |
ce22cd8
|
What the cold light showed me was that my situation was simply unlivable. I wanted, with a desire greater than any desire which I had ever conceived could exist without instantly killing its owner by spontaneous combustion, something which I simply could not have.
|
|
unlivable
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
wanting
suicidal
hopeless
unrequited-love
|
Iris Murdoch |
4aecd94
|
And all the time my very soul would travel with her, invisible and crying soundlessly with pain. I had acquired a dimension of suffering which would poison and devour my whole being, as far as I could see, forever.
|
|
pain
suffering
unending
unendurable
the-black-prince
unspoken
soul
unrequited-love
|
Iris Murdoch |
7a4b017
|
I tried deep breathing, but seemed to lose contact with myself between each breath, so that the next one was always an emergency. I began to feel faint.
|
|
humor
deep-breathing
panic-attack
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
dissociation
|
Iris Murdoch |
db16a6c
|
I'm not like other people, my life just doesn't work, it never has.
|
|
life
lament
unlucky
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
outsider
difference
|
Iris Murdoch |
ace7549
|
But I live, I , with an absolutely continuous sense of failure. I am always defeated, always.
|
|
dejected
unrelenting
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
low-self-esteem
despairing
failure
|
Iris Murdoch |
5a2b9d2
|
Those who occasion loss of dignity are hard to forgive.
|
|
loss-of-dignity
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
unforgivable
grudge
|
Iris Murdoch |
073aec2
|
How fearful that dark shadow is when we catch sight of it in the life of another. No wonder those at whom that black arrow is aimed so often turn and flee. How unendurable it can be, the love another bears us. I would never persecute my darling with that dread knowledge. From now onward until the world ended everything must remain, although utterly changed, exactly as it was before.
|
|
love
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
selfless
unspoken
unrequited-love
|
Iris Murdoch |
2ff31c8
|
How could it be that I had actually kissed her cheek without enveloping her, without becoming her? How could I at that moment have refrained from kneeling at her feet and howling?
|
|
kiss
love
passionate-love
howling
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
dramatic
soul-mates
desire
|
Iris Murdoch |
74035e9
|
Sometimes one feels suddenly doomed by fate.
|
|
fate
doomed
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
premonition
foreboding
|
Iris Murdoch |
f128833
|
Some people are just 'diminishers' and 'spoilers' for others. I suppose almost everybody diminishes someone. A saint would be nobody's spoiler.
|
|
toxic-relationships
the-black-prince
toxic-people
|
Iris Murdoch |
4f4ad79
|
Oh my life is so awful, it's just so awful to be me, you don't know what it's like waking every morning and finding the whole horror of being yourself still there.
|
|
depression
identity
life
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
unhappy
self-loathing
trapped
horror
|
Iris Murdoch |
59fe39b
|
Those who cry out the truth to an indifferent world too often weary, fall silent or come to doubt their own wit.
|
|
in-vain
unheeded
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
|
Iris Murdoch |
e82208d
|
I felt so ashamed with them because everything in their life was going so well and they were so sort of successful. I couldn't talk about what I wanted with them and they were always in a hurry.
|
|
jealous
not-wanted
out-of-place
the-black-prince
iris-murdoch
outsider
unspoken
inferiority
shame
|
Iris Murdoch |
0a69862
|
She was a spoiler, a needler, an underminer, a diminisher, simply by instinct.
|
|
destructive
harmful
the-black-prince
toxic
toxic-people
undermining
iris-murdoch
|
Iris Murdoch |