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e620a4e
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Ack! Parables. I hate parables.
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Christopher Moore |
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bff6ac7
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Sometimes, a man must muster all of his courage simply to sit still. How much humanity has been spoiled for the confusion of movement with progress, my friend? How much?
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Christopher Moore |
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6b02926
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He had risked his freedom and his pride to buy her this, to acknowledge that part of her that everyone else seemed to want to get rid of.
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Christopher Moore |
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63351f7
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Have you never met anyone who works in a record store? There is no greater repository of unjustified arrogance in the world.
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Christopher Moore |
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7fa0776
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Normally if I met a guy who was unemployed and illiterate who hadn't bathed in a couple of weeks, I'd be standing in a puddle with excitement, but I'm sort of in a bad mood tonight, so take this bag and give me the fu**ing paper before I pop your head like a zit. He said, you're a lesbian, aren't you?
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Christopher Moore |
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15d75dd
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Careful crossing the street," Tommy called back to her as he crossed. [Jody is drunk] "Ha!" Jody said. "I am a finely tuned predator. I am a superbeing. I --" And at that point she bounced her forehead off a light pole with a dull twang and was suddenly lying on her back, " --
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you-suck
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Christopher Moore |
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3fd9cf2
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Oh, do fuck off. You Muslims and your aversion to drink. Fucking slaughter the greater part of the Western fucking world in Allah's name, but someone wants to toast to your health and suddenly it's all piety, prayer, throw out the pork, and let's put draperies around the women.
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Christopher Moore |
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352fa5d
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I think this is a bodhi tree," I said, "just like Buddha sat under! It's so exciting. I'm feeling sort of enlightened just standing here. Really, I can feel ripe bodhies squishing between my toes." Joshua looked at my feet. "I don't think those are bodhies. There was a cow here before us." I lifted my foot out of the mess. "Cows are overrated in this country. Under the Buddha's tree too. Is nothing sacred?"
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Christopher Moore |
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687b9eb
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FYI, when I type WTF, you are supposed to read Same with OMG, and OMFG, which are and Only a completely lame Disney Channel nimnode pronounces the letters.
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Christopher Moore |
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39b45e8
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So know this, little one. Whether you are the Messiah, or you become a rabbi, or even if you are nothing more than a farmer, here is the sum of all I can teach you, and all that I know: treat others as you would like to be treated. Can you remember that?
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Christopher Moore |
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9ec5646
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True, I am drunk, and small, and damp, but mistake not my moistness for weakness, although there's an argument to be made for that, as well.
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Christopher Moore |
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1c2c4a0
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Y'know, the Duchess Regan is living here at the tower now? I took your advice about not talking about her boffnacity [footnote], even with the duke dead and all, can't be too careful. Although, I caught sight of her in a dressing gown one day she was up on the parapet outside her solar. Fine flanks on that princess, despite the danger of death and all for sayin' so, sir." -Yeomen Aye, the lady is fair, and her gadonk as fine as frog fur [....
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fool
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Christopher Moore |
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e932af8
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Soon a whole guild of low-priced shrine keepers around Europe named their own pope - Boldface the Relatively Shameless, Discount Pope of Prague. The price war was on [...] The Retail Pope would offer cheesy bacon toppings on the Host with communion and the Discount Pope would counter with topless nun night for midnight mass.
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fool
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Christopher Moore |
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748ebdc
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One time you take a hundred thousand dollars and let a vampire go, the whole world turns on you like you're some kind of bad guy.
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Christopher Moore |
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796c706
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Slowly and gently, Augustus Brine explained to the king of the Djinn about the illusion created by motion pictures. When he finished, he felt like he had just raped the tooth fairy in front of a class of kindergartners.
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Christopher Moore |
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0684535
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Your puny worm god weapons are useless against my superior Christmas Kung Fu.
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Christopher Moore |
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bd343fa
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Creep we did, until we were just outside the halo of firelight. Three bent-backed hags were walking a slow circle around a large cauldron, dropping in twisted bits of this and that as they chanted. "Double, double, toil and trouble: Fire burn, and cauldron bubble." "Witches," whispered Kent, paying tribute to the god of all things bloody fucking obvious."
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Christopher Moore |
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5278573
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He, Jeff, and Troy Lee carried Super Soakers loaded with Grandma Lee's Vampire Cat Remedy, other Animals had garden sprayers slung on their backs, except for Gustavo, who thought that making him carry a garden sprayer was racial stereotyping. Gustavo had a flame thrower. He wouldn't say where he got it. "Second Amendment, cabrones." (The guy who sold Gustavo his green card had included two amendments from the Bill of Rights and Gustavo had ..
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Christopher Moore |
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3fc9281
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You don't hurry a thinker, and you don't talk to him when he's thinking. It's just inconsiderate.
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Christopher Moore |
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6eff0cd
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He preferred to not think of his mother as having hips. He preferred to not think of her as a woman at all, more as a traveling mass of loving annoyance - a mother-shaped storm that inhabited the bakery and, in bringing rain for the growth of the living things over which she hovered, didn't mind scaring the piss out of them with a few thunderbolts from time to time.
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Christopher Moore |
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a8fb1f4
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Shylock repointed his twitching, accusatory digit at his daughter. "You do not say such things in my house. You--you--you--you--" "Run along, love, it appears that Papa's been stricken with an apoplexy of the second person."
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Christopher Moore |
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bfcccf8
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It was an eight-harlot inn, if that's how you measure an inn. (I understand that now they measure inns in stars. We are in a four-star inn right now. I don't know what the conversion from harlots to stars is.)
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humour
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Christopher Moore |
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454ebde
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We Ask the Gods for Answers and They Give Us Questions
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Christopher Moore |
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414c7d4
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It was the kind of kiss that he wanted to wake up to and keep refreshing periodically until he got one long last one, salty with tears, in his casket.
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Christopher Moore |
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dcddf7f
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Everything is a story. What is there but stories? Stories are the only truth.
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Christopher Moore |
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eb30b00
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One day the good times had to keep on rolling, and all of life's horseshit would turn to circuses.
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Christopher Moore |
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7c78f51
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She was meaning and order and light, and now that she's gone, chaos falls like a dark leaden cloud.
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Christopher Moore |
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ee4fc34
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You're the one with almost an MBA," Barry, the short balding one, said to Lash. "You should know what to do." "They don't cover what to do with a dead hooker," Lash countered. "That's a whole different program. Political science, I think."
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christopher moore |
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0b2f305
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She have to go pick up prescription, so I watch Sophie for short time. And tiny bears are happy when I go in bathroom." "Hamsters, Mrs. Korjev, not bears." .... "I've got her now," Charlie said. "One of you stay with her while I get rid of the H-A-M-S-T-E-R-S." "He mean the tiny bears."
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hamsters
tiny-bears
christopher-moore
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Christopher Moore |
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526ab67
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Not yet!" said she [Goneril], trying to roll me over and get back to smacking my bum. She honked my codpiece. You honked my codpiece." Aye, give it up, fool." [...]"
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fool
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Christopher Moore |
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bc04482
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My skin cleared up! I don't have a single zit." -Tommy Ding, ding, ding," Jody onomatopeed, signaling that Tommy had hit on the correct answer."
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you-suck
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Christopher Moore |
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cc73030
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Jealousy makes you feel bad, but God is jealous, so it must be good. Yet when a dog licks its balls it seems to enjoy it, but it must be bad under the law.
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Christopher Moore |
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d6ec746
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Tommy, I'm going to tell you something I've never told anyone before. If you repeat it, I'll deny I said it. Five years ago I saw a white owl with a seventy-foot wingspan swoop out of the sky and pluck a demon off a hillside and take off into the sky." "I heard that cops get the best drugs," Tommy said."
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tommy
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Christopher Moore |
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bc9bff6
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Nothing evokes the prurient like puritanism.
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witty
wit
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Christopher Moore |
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006f7be
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Yeah, and don't think it's easy finding Ray-Bans in a fruit-bat medium.
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Christopher Moore |
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9d31e55
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Holy ripened fuckcheese!
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Christopher Moore |
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8722beb
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You know, he doesn't have to be the only one bopped in the noggin when noggin-boppin' time rolls around.
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warning
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Christopher Moore |
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2d88340
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When your best friend is the son of God, you get tired of losing every argument.
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Christopher Moore |
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69ce1e9
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She was twentysix and pretty in a way that made men want to tuck her into flannel sheets and kiss her on the forehead before leaving the room; cute but not beautiful.
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Christopher Moore |
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765a4b3
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Henri was giggling now, barely able to contain himself. "So I'm to shovel coal into my shoes hoping no one notices, while smoke and steam - what of the vapor?" "There's little more smoke than a cigar, and the steam would be barely visible by gas lamp. It vents out the back of your trousers, under the tail of your coat." "Marvelous!" said Henri. "I use a similar port for my own vapors. I want to try them, immediately."
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Christopher Moore |
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4db22fc
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In fact, amid all the musical laments over not having a heart, a brain, or the nerve, did anyone notice that they didn't have a penis among them? I think it would have shown on the Lion and the Tin Man, and when the Scarecrow has his pants destuffed, you don't see a flying monkey waving an errant straw Johnson around anywhere, do I think I know what song I'd be singing: Oh, I would while away the hours, Wanking in the flowers, my heart all ..
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Christopher Moore |
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6cfec88
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The Colorman slid off the morgue slab to the cold floor. Bullets pooped from his wounds and plopped on the stone as he limped naked around the room looking for something to wear. All the dead were either naked, too ripe, or too tall for him to use their clothes, so he settled on a white mortician's coat that trailed out behind him as he went. The morgue attendant pretended not to see him as he passed, figuring that a spontaneous reanimation..
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Christopher Moore |
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008a2cf
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She could hear wisps of fog brushing against the buildings like wet velvet.
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Christopher Moore |
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2aa7e0d
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You first," Tommy said. They stood in the great room of their loft on either side of the futon, where the huge cat, a crossbreed between a Persian, a dust mop, and possibly a water buffalo, was actively shedding." --
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you-suck
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Christopher Moore |