humor

Link	Quote	Tags	Author
977f03c	The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.	books humor classic	Jane Austen
8aedea1	Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.	dogs friends books humor	Groucho Marx
aeaef27	I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.	humour writing work humor	Douglas Adams
b0307e2	Reality continues to ruin my life.	humor life	Bill Watterson
d1620d0	It's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.	psychological humor inspirational yesterday alice philosophy-of-life	Lewis Carroll
be5d5d9	All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.	humor life	Chuck Palahniuk
2739155	Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business. Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git. Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor. Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.	humor wormtail remus-lupin james-potter sirius-black snape	J.K. Rowling
03e85cd	"Is it true that you shouted at Professor Umbridge?" "Yes." "You called her a liar?" "Yes." "You told her He Who Must Not Be Named is back?" "Yes." "Have a biscuit, Potter."	rebellion humor	J.K. Rowling
ab9e83c	"Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?" Harry interrupted again. "So he can sneak up on people," said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking..."	humor sarcasm	J.K. Rowling
89cb3ca	Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.	humor inspirational	Thomas Szasz
2414ee5	I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.	people humor	Jane Austen
76476ef	"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off."	religion humor	Stephen King
67f58cc	"What the hell is that?" I laughed. "It's my fox hat." "Your fox hat?" "Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat." "Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked. "Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox."	humor	John Green
8b4037d	So please, oh please, we beg, we pray, Go throw your TV set away, And in its place you can install A lovely bookshelf on the wall. Then fill the shelves with lots of books.	television humor	Roald Dahl
78e2eec	Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.	humor philosophy wisdom inspirational	Isaac Asimov
9338119	I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.	humor life inspirational	maya angelou
10cae73	"That does it," said Jace. "I'm going to get you a dictionary for Christmas this year." "Why?" Isabelle said. "So you can look up 'fun.' I'm not sure you know what it means."	fun humor isabelle-lightwood jace-wayland	Cassandra Clare
dc11eb3	I have great faith in fools - self-confidence my friends will call it.	humor self-irony self-confidence fool	Edgar Allan Poe
d8257ad	It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.	humor life	Terry Pratchett
9457d6b	Deadlines just aren't real to me until I'm staring one in the face.	humor procrastinate	Rick Riordan
0d94558	"Don't talk to me." "Why not?" "Because I want to fix that in my memory for ever. Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret..."	harry-potter humor ron-weasley	J.K. Rowling
ab74b3a	"Why are they all staring?" demanded Albus as he and Rose craned around to look at the other students. "Don't let it worry you," said Ron. "It's me. I'm extremely famous."	harry-potter humor ron-weasley fame	J.K. Rowling
67d0083	People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.	humor inspirational idleness	A.A. Milne
a99ce37	"The Guide says there is an art to flying", said Ford, "or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."	humor hg2g flying	Douglas Adams
faec9a5	If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember.	humor life	Terry Pratchett
f53ee91	"How do you feel, Georgie?" whispered Mrs. Weasley. George's fingers groped for the side of his head. "Saintlike," he murmured. "What's wrong with him?" croaked Fred, looking terrified. "Is his mind affected?" "Saintlike," repeated George, opening his eyes and looking up at his brother. "You see...I'm HOLEY, Fred, geddit?"	humor	J.K. Rowling
b7d7035	Just because you call an electric eel a rubber duck doesn't make it a rubber duck, does it? And God help the poor bastard who decides they want to take a bath with the duckie. (Jace Wayland)	humor jace-wayland	Cassandra Clare
7e61061	Mom. I have something to tell you. I'm undead. Now, I know you may have some preconceived notions about the undead. I know you may not be comfortable with the idea of me being undead. But I'm here to tell you that undead are just like you and me ... well, okay. Possibly more like me than you.	humor mortal-instruments simon vampire	Cassandra Clare
da9c226	"Now, you two - this year, you behave yourselves. If I get one more owl telling me you've - you've blown up a toilet or -" "Blown up a toilet? We've never blown up a toilet." "Great idea though, thanks, Mum."	humor molly-weasley toilet george-weasley	J.K. Rowling
d2145e4	"Out of the corner of her eye she thought she saw Jace shoot her a look of white rage - but when she glanced at him, he looked as he always did: easy, confident, slightly bored. "In future, Clarissa," he said, "it might be wise to mention that you already have a man in your bed, to avoid such tedious situations." "You invited him into " Simon demanded, looking shaken. "Ridiculous, isn't it?" said Jace. "We would never have all fit." "I didn't invite him into bed," Clary snapped. "We were just kissing." "Just kissing?" Jace's tone mocked her with its false hurt. "How swiftly you dismiss our love."	humor	Cassandra Clare
2448ca0	Don't Panic.	humor hitchhiker-s-guide panic	Douglas Adams
de23a10	So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed) Kid, you'll move mountains.	success humor inspirational	Dr. Seuss
5a40528	Oh well... I'd just been thinking, if you had died, you'd have been welcome to share my toilet.	humor	J.K. Rowling
c866ee1	"Isabelle drifted over, Jace a pace behind her. She was wearing a long black dress with boots and an even longer cutaway coat of soft green velvet, the color of moss. "I can't believe you did it!" she exclaimed. "How did you get Magnus to let Jace leave?" "Traded him for Alec," Clary said. Isabelle looked mildly alarmed. "Not permanently?" "No," said Jace. "Just for a few hours. Unless I don't come back," he added thoughtfully. "In which case, maybe he does get to keep Alec. Think of it as a lease with an option to buy." Isabelle looked dubious. "Mom and Dad won't be pleased if they find out." "That you freed a possible criminal by trading away your brother to a warlock who looks like a gay Sonic the Hedgehog and dresses like the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?" Simon inquired. "No, probably not."	humor clary-fray isabelle-lightwood jace-wayland simon-lewis	Cassandra Clare
739e574	Finally, from so little sleeping and so much reading, his brain dried up and he went completely out of his mind.	reading humor	Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra
535fde1	The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me.	humor jace-wayland quotes	Cassandra Clare
ca394c5	"Why were you lurking under our window?" "Yes - yes, good point, Petunia! What were you doing under our windows, boy?" "Listening to the news," said Harry in a resigned voice. His aunt and uncle exchanged looks of outrage. "Listening to the news! Again?" "Well, it changes every day, you see," said Harry."	harry-potter humor news sarcasm	J.K. Rowling
0a8a5d8	"The real story of the Fleece: there were these two children of Zeus, Cadmus and Europa, okay? They were about to get offered up as human sacrifices, when they prayed to Zeus to save them. So Zeus sent this magical flying ram with golden wool, which picked them up in Greece and carried them all the way to Colchis in Asia Minor. Well, actually it carried Cadmus. Europa fell off and died along the way, but that's not important." "It was probably important to her."	humor gold percy-jackson	Rick Riordan
eab7498	Don't feel bad, I'm usually about to die.	humor sorry greek percy-jackson mythology	Rick Riordan
f6f8091	Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.	humor inspirational enterprise inertia	Will Rogers
24141b9	The capacity for friendship is God's way of apologizing for our families.	friendship humor	Jay McInerney
b3ac3b2	"What are all these?" Clary asked. "Vials of holy water, blessed knives, steel and silver blades," Jace said, piling the weapons on the floor beside him, "electrum wire - not much use at the moment but it's always good to have spares - silver bullets, charms of protetion, crucifixes, stars of David-" "Jesus," said Clary "I doubt he'd fit." "Jace." Clary was appalled."	irony jesus humor jace-wayland	Cassandra Clare
be90587	May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.	benediction humor inspirational goodwill wishes evil	George Carlin
6effeb4	The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.	jealousy friendship success humor happiness inspirational	Bette Midler
98c4b32	Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?	humor towel thumb social-commentary science-fiction	Douglas Adams
4a48772	In a way, it's nice to know that there are Greek gods out there, because you have somebody to blame when things go wrong. For instance, when you're walking away from a bus that's just been attacked by monster hags and blown up by lightning, and it's raining on top of everything else, most people might think that's just really bad luck; when you're a half-blood, you understand that some devine force is really trying to mess up your day.	humor olympians	Rick Riordan
062086e	"Must you go? I was rather hoping you'd stay and be a ministering angel, but if you must go, you must." "I'll stay," Will said a bit crossly, and threw himself down in the armchair Tessa had just vacated. "I can minister angelically." "None too convincingly. And you're not as pretty to look at as Tessa is," Jem said, closing his eyes as he leaned back against the pillow. "How rude. Many who have gazed upon me have compared the experience to gazing at the radiance of the sun." Jem still had his eyes closed. "If they mean it gives you a headache, they aren't wrong."	humor radiance	Cassandra Clare
cf81f70	What's the good of living if you don't try a few things?	cartoonist humor inspirational	Charles M. Schulz
44c9f39	"It's not gray," Clary felt compelled to point out. "It's green." "If there was such a thing as terminal literalism, you'd have died in childhood," said Jace."	humor gray-book jace	Cassandra Clare
a9df6ab	"I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while," he grunted, "It relaxes me." "It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably."	humor	Cassandra Clare
9fe0042	"Dreams like a podcast, Downloading truth in my ears. They tell me cool stuff." "Apollo?" I guess, because I figured nobody else could make a haiku that bad.	poem humor fred haiku percy-jackson	Rick Riordan
7b8d542	"I don't want tea," said Clary, with muffled force. "I want to find my mother. And then I want to find out who took her in the first place, and I want to kill them." "Unfortunately," said Hodge, "we're all out of bitter revenge at the moment, so it's either tea or nothing."	revenge humor hodge tea sarcasm	Cassandra Clare
5a6d98c	Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.	humor ignorance knowledge	Eoin Colfer
901968a	A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?	humor jace-wayland diary sarcasm	Cassandra Clare
5f9efa8	I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful one-hundred percent!	humor inspirational dr-seuss musical	Dr. Seuss
9a0b8da	DON'T THINK OF IT AS DYING, said Death. JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH.	humor	Terry Pratchett
64515ca	"Headline?" he asked. "'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said. "'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said. "'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said."	humour humor pedophile pedophilia john-green tfios the-fault-in-our-stars internet	John Green
4d907c1	"An Unbreakable Vow?" said Ron, looking stunned. "Nah, he can't have.... Are you sure?" "Yes I'm sure," said Harry. "Why, what does it mean?" "Well, you can't break an Unbreakable Vow..." "I'd worked that much out for myself, funnily enough."	humor unbreakable-vow malfoy snape ron-weasley	J.K. Rowling
4227bea	"Magnus, standing by the door, snapped his fingers impatiently. "Move it along, teenagers. The only person who gets to canoodle in my bedroom is my magnificent self." "Canoodle?" repeated Clary, never having heard the word before. "Magnificent?" repeated Jace, who was just being nasty. Magnus growled. The growl sounded like "Get out."	humor magnificent city-of-bones clary-fray jace-wayland magnus-bane	Cassandra Clare
62f81f0	"Trains are great dirty smoky things," said Will. "You won't like it." Tessa was unmoved. "I won't know if I like it until I try it, will I?" "I've never swum naked in the Thames before, but I know I wouldn't like it." "But think how entertaining for sightseers," said Tessa, and she saw Jem duck his head to hide the quick flash of his grin."	humor tessa-gray jem-carstairs will-herondale teasing	Cassandra Clare
a535246	"Alec looked at her and shook his head. "How do you manage never to get mud on your clothes?" Isabelle shrugged philosophically. "I'm pure at heart. It repels the dirt."	humor dirt city-of-ashes isabelle-lightwood clean sarcasm	Cassandra Clare
a864e6f	"No sight so sad as that of a naughty child," he began, "especially a naughty little girl. Do you know where the wicked go after death?" "They go to hell," was my ready and orthodox answer. "And what is hell? Can you tell me that?" "A pit full of fire." "And should you like to fall into that pit, and to be burning there for ever?" "No, sir." "What must you do to avoid it?" I deliberated a moment: my answer, when it did come was objectionable: "I must keep in good health and not die."	religion humor hell	Charlotte Brontë
2d06814	It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.	humor prank joke	Rick Riordan
a0d8323	"Can you surf really well, then?" I looked at Grover, who was trying hard not to laugh.	myth funny humor posiedon the-lightning-thief olympians athena zeus percy-jackson mythology	Rick Riordan
6cedd6f	"Seventeen, eh!" said Hagrid as he accepted a bucket-sized glass of wine from Fred. "Six years to the day we met, Harry, d'yeh remember it?" "Vaguely," said Harry, grinning up at him. "Didn't you smash down the front door, give Dudley a pig's tail, and tell me I was a wizard?" "I forge' the details," Hagrid chortled."	harry-potter humor hagrid dursley pig wizard	J.K. Rowling
8e74265	"Can you be a girl for a few seconds?" "I'm always a girl" I frown. "You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl" I twirl my hair around my finger. "Kay."	funny humor divergent tris veronica-roth	Veronica Roth
564e6b8	"We need to talk. All of us About what we're going to do now." "I was going to watch Project Runway."	humor clary jace	Cassandra Clare
9a10ab9	"But-" Maia, still looking at Alec and Magnus, broke off and rasied her eyebrows. Simon turned to see what she was looking at - and stared. Alec had his arms around Magnus and was kissing him full on the mouth. Magnus, who appeared to be in a state of shock, stood frozen. Several groups of people - Shadowhunters and Downworlders alike - were staring and whispering. Glancing to the side, Simon saw the Lightwoods, their eyes widen, gaping at the display. Maryse had her hand over her mouth. Maia looked perplexed. "Wait a second," she said. "Do we all have to do that, too?"	humor mortal-instruments	Cassandra Clare
56a16e8	Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.	humor	Terry Pratchett
40f08fc	I figured something out. The future is unpredictable.	humor inspirational obvious stupid	John Green
645dc06	God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who .	god humor gaiman	Terry Pratchett
515875a	"There's no need to clarify my finger snap," said Magnus. "The implication was clear in the snap itself."	humor magnus-bane	Cassandra Clare
89484cc	It's like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget.	humor foaly	Eoin Colfer
3f81427	"He cleared his throat and held up one hand dramatically. He grinned at us, waiting for applause. "That last line was four syllables." Artemis said. Apollo frowned. "Was it?" "Yes. What about "No, no, that's six syllable, hhhm." He started muttering to himself. Zoe Nightshade turned to us. "Lord Apollo has been going through this haiku phase ever since he visited Japan. Tis not as bad as the time he visited Limerick. If I'd had to hear one more poem that started with, "I've got it!" Apollo announced. " That's five syllables!" He bowed, looking very pleased with himself."	humor haiku artemis	Rick Riordan
5f8c379	Rachel: You're a half-blood, too? Annabeth: Shhh! Just announce it to the world, how about? Rachel: Okay. Hey, everybody! These two aren't human! They're half Greek god!...They don't seem to care.	humor half-blood rachel-elizabeth-dare	Rick Riordan
fe868f7	As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?	optimism humor solace	Cassandra Clare
b12d50f	Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.	equality feminism humanism humor inspirational common-sense men-and-women	George Carlin
30d6ccb	Razors pain you, Rivers are damp, Acids stain you, And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful, Nooses give, Gas smells awful. You might as well live.	suicide humor	Dorothy Parker
e7651f0	To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.	humor parents paraphrased	Oscar Wilde
b5082e8	There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.	humor shared-ordeal	Sylvia Plath
ae8bfa0	It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people.	humor	Neil Gaiman
4a23a66	I have a high pain threshold. In fact, it's more of a large and tastfully decorated foyer than a threshold. But I do get easily bored	humor	Cassandra Clare
d6247b4	People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.	humor recall memory	Christopher Paolini
0c69ccf	Hey, Rosalie? Do you know how to drown a blonde? Stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool.	humor rosalie dawn jacob mirror	Stephenie Meyer
6c0bab0	"No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled. "Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?" "What?" "Oh, you'd like something simpler?"	humor interrogation police	Terry Pratchett
55fc75c	It's fascinating. You know all these words, and they're all English, but when you string them together into sentences, they just don't make any sense.	humor jace-lightwood sarcasm	Cassandra Clare
e9b21ec	I told Augustus the broad outline of my miracle: diagnosed with Stage IV thyroid cancer when I was thirteen. (I didn't tell him that the diagnosis came three months after I got my first period. Like: Congratulations! You're a woman. Now die.)	humor diagnosis john-green	John Green
a77753d	And next time you're planning to injure yourself to get me attention, just remember that a little sweet talk works wonders.	humor love clary-and-jace jace-and-clary jace	Cassandra Clare
c03cdef	"Hey," said Shadow. "Huginn or Muninn, or whoever you are." The bird turned, head tipped, suspiciously, on one side, and it stared at him with bright eyes. "Say 'Nevermore,'" said Shadow. "Fuck you," said the raven."	poe humor nevermore parody raven	Neil Gaiman
086fd70	That wasn't any act of God. That was an act of pure human fuckery.	humor	Stephen King
a89af26	Just because you're beautiful and perfect, it's made you conceited.	beauty humor love conceit	William Goldman
89ffa1e	Sections in the bookstore - Books You Haven't Read - Books You Needn't Read - Books Made for Purposes Other Than Reading - Books Read Even Before You Open Them Since They Belong to the Category of Books Read Before Being Written - Books That If You Had More Than One Life You Would Certainly Also Read But Unfortunately Your Days Are Numbered - Books You Mean to Read But There Are Others You Must Read First - Books Too Expensive Now and You'll Wait 'Til They're Remaindered - Books ditto When They Come Out in Paperback - Books You Can Borrow from Somebody - Books That Everybody's Read So It's As If You Had Read Them, Too - Books You've Been Planning to Read for Ages - Books You've Been Hunting for Years Without Success - Books Dealing with Something You're Working on at the Moment - Books You Want to Own So They'll Be Handy Just in Case - Books You Could Put Aside Maybe to Read This Summer - Books You Need to Go with Other Books on Your Shelves - Books That Fill You with Sudden, Inexplicable Curiosity, Not Easily Justified - Books Read Long Ago Which It's Now Time to Re-read - Books You've Always Pretended to Have Read and Now It's Time to Sit Down and Really Read Them	reading humor	Italo Calvino
082f3ad	"Inconceivable!" "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."	funny humor movie princess	William Goldman
3e71cf3	She'd also called me brave...unless she was talking to the catfish.	fish humor	Rick Riordan
ce8a249	When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles... ...they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle bottle paddle battle.	humor	Dr. Seuss
3b35bf1	Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.	humor	Stephen King
f468cca	"Basia coquum," Simon said. "Or whatever their motto is." "It's 'Descensus Averno facilis est.' 'The descent into hell is easy," said Alec. "You just said "Kiss the cook." "Dammit," said Simon. "I knew Jace was screwing with me."	humor simon-lewis	Cassandra Clare
74c33dd	Life sucks, and then you die...	humor inspirational	Stephenie Meyer
79799ae	Going round and around inside a dryer can be fatal, whereas pasta is rarely fatal. Unless Isabelle makes it.	humor fatal pasta isabelle-lightwood	Cassandra Clare
013a295	"Is this Clarissa Fray?" The voice on the other end of the phone sounded familiar, though not immediately identifiable. Clary twirled the phone cord nervously around her finger. "Yeees?" "Hi, I'm one of the knife-carrying hooligans you met last night in Pandemonium? I"m afraid I made a bad impression and was hoping you'd give me a chance to make it up to-" "SIMON!" Clary held the phone away from her ear as he cracked up laughing. "That is so not funny!" "Sure it is. You just don't see the humor." "Jerk." Clary sighed, leaning up against the wall."	humor simon-lewis tease joke phone	Cassandra Clare
ef86b23	Why it's simply impassible! Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible? Door: No, I do mean impassible. Nothing's impossible!	funny humor alice-in-wonderland door wordplay	Lewis Carroll
fdc56c6	Y'all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.	humor wise	John Green
d1e9d54	There is nothing more luxurious than eating while you read--unless it be reading while you eat. Amabel did both: they are not the same thing, as you will see if you think the matter over.	reading humor luxury eating	E. Nesbit
1a776b7	"Harry -- I think I've just understood something! I've got to go to the library!" And she sprinted away, up the stairs. " does she understand?" said Harry distractedly, still looking around, trying to tell where the voice had come from. "Loads more than I do," said Ron, shaking his head. "But why's she got to go to the library?" "Because that's what Hermione does," said Ron, shrugging. "When in doubt, go to the library."	library humor	J.K. Rowling
9fd2e9c	"It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever," he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching?"	humour humor teaching	Terry Pratchett
72db402	"I dreamed I was buying new shoes last night," said Ron. "What d'ya think that's gonna mean?" "Probably that you're going to be eaten by a giant marshmallow or something," said Harry."	harry-potter humor marshmallow ron-weasley	J.K. Rowling
7de25e2	"Mistletoe," said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry's head. He jumped out from under it. "Good thinking," said Luna seriously. "It's often infested with nargles."	humor	J.K. Rowling
8fd1ca8	"Aren't they supposed to be hiring someone else to train me full-time ?" "Yes," he said, getting up and pulling her to her feet along with him," and I'm worried that if you get into the habit of making out with your instructors, you'll wind up making out with him, too." " Don't be sexist. They could find me a female instructor." "In that case you have my permission to make out with her, as long as I can watch."	humor clary-fray jace-lightwood	Cassandra Clare
2d9f03c	"Watching Jace hug Isabelle, she tried to school her features into a happy and loving expression. "Are you all right?" Simon asked, with some concern. "Your eyes are crossing."	humor clary-fray simon-lewis	Cassandra Clare
3854059	"I've got the Mark of Cain," said Simon. "That means nothing can kill me, right?" "You can kill yourself," Magnus said, somewhat unhelpfully. "As far as I know, inanimate objects can accidentally kill you. So if you were planning on teaching yourself the lambada on a greased platform over a pit full of knives, I wouldn't." "There goes my Saturday."	funny humor lambada mark-of-cain city-of-lost-souls the-mortal-instruments magnus-bane simon-lewis	Cassandra Clare
d421d2f	"Who're you going with, then?" said Ron. "Angelina," said Fred promptly, without a trace of embarrassment. "What?" said Ron, taken aback. "You've already asked her?" "Good point," said Fred. He turned his head and called across the common room, "Oi! Angelina!" Angelina, who had been chatting with Alicia Spinnet near the fire, looked over at him. "What?" She called back. "Want to come to the ball with me?" Angelina gave Fred a sort of appraising look. "All right, then," she said, and she turned back to Alicia and carried on chatting with a bit of a grin on her face. "There you go," said Fred to Harry and Ron, "piece of cake."	harry-potter humor weasley dating	J.K. Rowling
5ddc62e	I love new clothes. If everyone could just wear new clothes everyday, I reckon depression wouldn't exist anymore.	humor fashion	Sophie Kinsella
ef98ffb	Look, let me just say it: He was hot. A nonhot boy stares at you relentlessly and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault. But a hot boy . . . well.	humor	John Green
26b5834	"Jace perched on the windowsill and looked down at him. "You really don't get this bodyguard thing, do you?" "I didn't even think you liked me all that much," said Simon. "Is this one of those keep-your-friends-close-and-your-enemies-closer things?" "I thought it was keep your friends close so you have someone to drive the car when you sneak over to your enemy's house a night and throw up in his mailbox." "I'm pretty sure that's not it"	humor city-of-fallen-angels jace-lightwood simon-lewis	Cassandra Clare
0945699	A towel, [The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy] says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mind-boggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.	humor	Douglas Adams
95df17f	You are speaking of my future lover. Be more respectful.	romance humor true-blood sookie-stackhouse	Charlaine Harris
8ce0bee	"So this is it," said Arthur, "We are going to die." "Yes," said Ford, "except... no! Wait a minute!" He suddenly lunged across the chamber at something behind Arthur's line of vision. "What's this switch?" he cried. "What? Where?" cried Arthur, twisting round. "No, I was only fooling," said Ford, "we are going to die after all."	science humor	Douglas Adams
5149fde	"Eragon looked back at him, confused. "I don't understand." "Of course you don't," said Brom impatiently. "That's why I'm teaching you and not the other way around."	humor	Christopher Paolini
ca927b6	My name is Percy Jackson. I'm twelve years old. Until a few months ago, I was a boarding student at Yancy Academy, a private school for troubled kids in upstate New York. Am I a troubled kid? Yeah. You could say that.	humor introduction percy-jackson trouble school	Rick Riordan
1249e06	If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.	humor	George Bernard Shaw
908e8cd	"By the Angel," Jace said, looking the demon up and down. "I knew Greater Demons were meant to be ugly, but no one ever warned me about the smell." Abbadon opened its mouth and hissed. Inside its mouth were two rows of jagged glass-sharp teeth. "I'm not sure about this wind and howling darkness business," Jace went on, "smells more like landfill to me. You sure you're not from Staten Island?"	humor taunting jace-wayland demon teasing fearlessness sarcasm	Cassandra Clare
42c444c	"Jace's eyes sparkled, but he said calmly, "Not at all. the Silent Brothers can help her retrieve her memories." "You hate the Silent Brothers," protested Isabelle. "I don't hate them," said Jace candidly."I'm afraid of them. It's not the same thing." "I thought you said they were libarians," said Clary. "They are librarians." Simon whistled. "Those must be some killer late fees."	humor librarians	Cassandra Clare
51057d2	"Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor, and he smells like windex." "At least you know he's still available."	humor simon-lewis dating	Cassandra Clare
fbb4ef7	"Lawful good to lawful evil!" said Simon, pleased. "He's quoting Dungeons and Dragons," said Clary. "Ignore him."	humor simon	Cassandra Clare
59d5287	Curiouser and curiouser.	humor favorites	Lewis Carroll
2aa7a17	"We'll never survive!" "Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has."	optimism humor survival	William Goldman
9e7de12	I like to have a martini, Two at the very most. After three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my host.	humor drunken-behaviour	Dorothy Parker
ad01dfe	A goal without a plan is just a wish.	humor inspirational enterprise planning	Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
c68f516	"I have lightning and wind powers," Jason reminded him. "Piper can turn beautiful and charm people into giving her BMWs. You're no more a freak than we are. And, hey, maybe you can fly, too. Like jump off a building and yell 'Flame on!'" Leo snorted. "If I did that, you would see a flaming kid falling to his death, and I would be yelling something a little stronger than 'Flame on!"	funny humor powers the-lost-hero	Rick Riordan
922f7e8	"They turned to Angel. "We will call you Little One," the leader said, obviously deciding to dispense with the whole confusing name thing. "Okay," said Angel agreeably. "I'll call you Guy in a White Lab Coat." He frowned. "That can be his Indian name," I suggested."	humor maximum-ride	James Patterson
8e35c4e	Also, I'm sleeping with your mom. Just thought you should know.	humor jocelyn-fray simon-lewis	Cassandra Clare
b6ea1e5	I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God granted it.	social-justice religion humor prayers ridicule satire social-life	Voltaire
86170ac	"Can't stay long, Mother," he said. "I'm up front, the prefects have got two compartments to themselves-" "Oh, are you a prefect, Percy?" said one of the twins, with an air of great surprise. "You should have said something, we had no idea." "Hang on, I think I remember him saying something about it," said the other twin. "Once-" "Or twice-" "A minute-" "All summer-" "Oh, shut up," said Percy the Prefect."	humor george-weasley prefect percy-weasley	J.K. Rowling
e2d40db	Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.	humor	David Sedaris
af82ff4	He'd been wrong, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and it was a flamethrower.	humor	Terry Pratchett
d828112	"I know - I'll play you for it," Alice suggested. "Rock, paper, scissors." Jasper chuckled and Edward sighed. "Why don't you just tell me who wins?" Edward said wryly. Alice beamed. "I do. Excellent."	humor furture-telling edward	Stephenie Meyer
769918c	"I'm gonna kill him," Eve said, or at least that was what it sounded like filtered through the pillow. Stake him right in the heart, shove garlic up his ass, and-and-" And what?" (Michael) When did you get home?" Claire demanded. Apparently just in time to hear my funeral plans. I especially like the garlic up the ass. It's...different."	humor vampires	Rachel Caine
1ce9ec8	"I can talk to fish!" Angel said happily, water dripping off her long, skinny body. "Ask one over for dinner," Fang said, joining us."	humor maximum-ride	James Patterson
b6eff2e	She said this in the same way you might say Fields of Punishment or Hades's gym shorts.	humor	Rick Riordan
52196ee	I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.	humor epigram	Oscar Wilde
f22b405	So that's little Scorpious. Make sure you beat him in every test, Rosie. Thank god you've inherited your mother's brains.	humor malfoy ron-weasley	J.K. Rowling
5371ce4	"I'm calm," Rachel insisted. "Every time I'm around you, some monsters attack us. What's to be nervous about?" "Look," I said. "I'm sorry about the band room. I hope they didn't kick you our or anything." "Nah. They asked me a lot of questions about you. I played dumb." "Was it hard?" Annabeth asked."	insult humor dumb rachel-dare percy-jackson	Rick Riordan
cea4249	HUMAN BEINGS MAKE LIFE SO INTERESTING. DO YOU KNOW, THAT IN A UNIVERSE SO FULL OF WONDERS, THEY HAVE MANAGED TO INVENT BOREDOM. (Death)	humor cynism ennui boredom	Terry Pratchett
5a50ef4	"The only difference between	politics humor electoral-politics george-w-bush	Kurt Vonnegut

The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.

Jane Austen

8aedea1

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

dogs friends books humor

Groucho Marx

aeaef27

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

humour writing work humor

Douglas Adams

b0307e2

Reality continues to ruin my life.

humor life

Bill Watterson

d1620d0

It's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

psychological humor inspirational yesterday alice philosophy-of-life

Lewis Carroll

be5d5d9

All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.

humor life

Chuck Palahniuk

2739155

Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business. Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git. Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor. Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball.

humor wormtail remus-lupin james-potter sirius-black snape

J.K. Rowling

03e85cd

"Is it true that you shouted at Professor Umbridge?" "Yes." "You called her a liar?" "Yes." "You told her He Who Must Not Be Named is back?" "Yes." "Have a biscuit, Potter."

rebellion humor

J.K. Rowling

ab9e83c

"Death's got an Invisibility Cloak?" Harry interrupted again. "So he can sneak up on people," said Ron. "Sometimes he gets bored of running at them, flapping his arms and shrieking..."

humor sarcasm

J.K. Rowling

89cb3ca

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

humor inspirational

Thomas Szasz

2414ee5

I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.

people humor

Jane Austen

76476ef

"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off."

religion humor

Stephen King

67f58cc

"What the hell is that?" I laughed. "It's my fox hat." "Your fox hat?" "Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat." "Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked. "Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox."

humor

John Green

8b4037d

So please, oh please, we beg, we pray, Go throw your TV set away, And in its place you can install A lovely bookshelf on the wall. Then fill the shelves with lots of books.

television humor

Roald Dahl

78e2eec

Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

humor philosophy wisdom inspirational

Isaac Asimov

9338119

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

humor life inspirational

maya angelou

10cae73

"That does it," said Jace. "I'm going to get you a dictionary for Christmas this year." "Why?" Isabelle said. "So you can look up 'fun.' I'm not sure you know what it means."

fun humor isabelle-lightwood jace-wayland

Cassandra Clare

dc11eb3

I have great faith in fools - self-confidence my friends will call it.

humor self-irony self-confidence fool

Edgar Allan Poe

d8257ad

It is said that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. That is true, it's called Life.

humor life

Terry Pratchett

9457d6b

Deadlines just aren't real to me until I'm staring one in the face.

humor procrastinate

Rick Riordan

0d94558

"Don't talk to me." "Why not?" "Because I want to fix that in my memory for ever. Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret..."

harry-potter humor ron-weasley

J.K. Rowling

ab74b3a

"Why are they all staring?" demanded Albus as he and Rose craned around to look at the other students. "Don't let it worry you," said Ron. "It's me. I'm extremely famous."

harry-potter humor ron-weasley fame

J.K. Rowling

67d0083

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

humor inspirational idleness

A.A. Milne

a99ce37

"The Guide says there is an art to flying", said Ford, "or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."

humor hg2g flying

Douglas Adams

faec9a5

If cats looked like frogs we'd realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That's what people remember.

humor life

Terry Pratchett

f53ee91

"How do you feel, Georgie?" whispered Mrs. Weasley. George's fingers groped for the side of his head. "Saintlike," he murmured. "What's wrong with him?" croaked Fred, looking terrified. "Is his mind affected?" "Saintlike," repeated George, opening his eyes and looking up at his brother. "You see...I'm HOLEY, Fred, geddit?"

humor

J.K. Rowling

b7d7035

Just because you call an electric eel a rubber duck doesn't make it a rubber duck, does it? And God help the poor bastard who decides they want to take a bath with the duckie. (Jace Wayland)

humor jace-wayland

Cassandra Clare

7e61061

Mom. I have something to tell you. I'm undead. Now, I know you may have some preconceived notions about the undead. I know you may not be comfortable with the idea of me being undead. But I'm here to tell you that undead are just like you and me ... well, okay. Possibly more like me than you.

humor mortal-instruments simon vampire

Cassandra Clare

da9c226

"Now, you two - this year, you behave yourselves. If I get one more owl telling me you've - you've blown up a toilet or -" "Blown up a toilet? We've never blown up a toilet." "Great idea though, thanks, Mum."

humor molly-weasley toilet george-weasley

J.K. Rowling

d2145e4

"Out of the corner of her eye she thought she saw Jace shoot her a look of white rage - but when she glanced at him, he looked as he always did: easy, confident, slightly bored. "In future, Clarissa," he said, "it might be wise to mention that you already have a man in your bed, to avoid such tedious situations." "You invited him into " Simon demanded, looking shaken. "Ridiculous, isn't it?" said Jace. "We would never have all fit." "I didn't invite him into bed," Clary snapped. "We were just kissing." "Just kissing?" Jace's tone mocked her with its false hurt. "How swiftly you dismiss our love."

humor

Cassandra Clare

2448ca0

Don't Panic.

humor hitchhiker-s-guide panic

Douglas Adams

de23a10

So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed) Kid, you'll move mountains.

success humor inspirational

Dr. Seuss

5a40528

Oh well... I'd just been thinking, if you had died, you'd have been welcome to share my toilet.

humor

J.K. Rowling

c866ee1

"Isabelle drifted over, Jace a pace behind her. She was wearing a long black dress with boots and an even longer cutaway coat of soft green velvet, the color of moss. "I can't believe you did it!" she exclaimed. "How did you get Magnus to let Jace leave?" "Traded him for Alec," Clary said. Isabelle looked mildly alarmed. "Not permanently?" "No," said Jace. "Just for a few hours. Unless I don't come back," he added thoughtfully. "In which case, maybe he does get to keep Alec. Think of it as a lease with an option to buy." Isabelle looked dubious. "Mom and Dad won't be pleased if they find out." "That you freed a possible criminal by trading away your brother to a warlock who looks like a gay Sonic the Hedgehog and dresses like the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?" Simon inquired. "No, probably not."

humor clary-fray isabelle-lightwood jace-wayland simon-lewis

Cassandra Clare

739e574

Finally, from so little sleeping and so much reading, his brain dried up and he went completely out of his mind.

reading humor

Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra

535fde1

The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me.

humor jace-wayland quotes

Cassandra Clare

ca394c5

"Why were you lurking under our window?" "Yes - yes, good point, Petunia! What were you doing under our windows, boy?" "Listening to the news," said Harry in a resigned voice. His aunt and uncle exchanged looks of outrage. "Listening to the news! Again?" "Well, it changes every day, you see," said Harry."

harry-potter humor news sarcasm

J.K. Rowling

0a8a5d8

"The real story of the Fleece: there were these two children of Zeus, Cadmus and Europa, okay? They were about to get offered up as human sacrifices, when they prayed to Zeus to save them. So Zeus sent this magical flying ram with golden wool, which picked them up in Greece and carried them all the way to Colchis in Asia Minor. Well, actually it carried Cadmus. Europa fell off and died along the way, but that's not important." "It was probably important to her."

humor gold percy-jackson

Rick Riordan

eab7498

Don't feel bad, I'm usually about to die.

humor sorry greek percy-jackson mythology

Rick Riordan

f6f8091

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

humor inspirational enterprise inertia

Will Rogers

24141b9

The capacity for friendship is God's way of apologizing for our families.

friendship humor

Jay McInerney

b3ac3b2

"What are all these?" Clary asked. "Vials of holy water, blessed knives, steel and silver blades," Jace said, piling the weapons on the floor beside him, "electrum wire - not much use at the moment but it's always good to have spares - silver bullets, charms of protetion, crucifixes, stars of David-" "Jesus," said Clary "I doubt he'd fit." "Jace." Clary was appalled."

irony jesus humor jace-wayland

Cassandra Clare

be90587

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

benediction humor inspirational goodwill wishes evil

George Carlin

6effeb4

The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.

jealousy friendship success humor happiness inspirational

Bette Midler

98c4b32

Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?

humor towel thumb social-commentary science-fiction

Douglas Adams

4a48772

In a way, it's nice to know that there are Greek gods out there, because you have somebody to blame when things go wrong. For instance, when you're walking away from a bus that's just been attacked by monster hags and blown up by lightning, and it's raining on top of everything else, most people might think that's just really bad luck; when you're a half-blood, you understand that some devine force is really trying to mess up your day.

humor olympians

Rick Riordan

062086e

"Must you go? I was rather hoping you'd stay and be a ministering angel, but if you must go, you must." "I'll stay," Will said a bit crossly, and threw himself down in the armchair Tessa had just vacated. "I can minister angelically." "None too convincingly. And you're not as pretty to look at as Tessa is," Jem said, closing his eyes as he leaned back against the pillow. "How rude. Many who have gazed upon me have compared the experience to gazing at the radiance of the sun." Jem still had his eyes closed. "If they mean it gives you a headache, they aren't wrong."

humor radiance

Cassandra Clare

cf81f70

What's the good of living if you don't try a few things?

cartoonist humor inspirational

Charles M. Schulz

44c9f39

"It's not gray," Clary felt compelled to point out. "It's green." "If there was such a thing as terminal literalism, you'd have died in childhood," said Jace."

humor gray-book jace

Cassandra Clare

a9df6ab

"I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while," he grunted, "It relaxes me." "It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably."

humor

Cassandra Clare

9fe0042

"Dreams like a podcast, Downloading truth in my ears. They tell me cool stuff." "Apollo?" I guess, because I figured nobody else could make a haiku that bad.

poem humor fred haiku percy-jackson

Rick Riordan

7b8d542

"I don't want tea," said Clary, with muffled force. "I want to find my mother. And then I want to find out who took her in the first place, and I want to kill them." "Unfortunately," said Hodge, "we're all out of bitter revenge at the moment, so it's either tea or nothing."

revenge humor hodge tea sarcasm

Cassandra Clare

5a6d98c

Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.

humor ignorance knowledge

Eoin Colfer

901968a

A diary with no drawings of me in it? Where are the torrid fantasies? The romance covers?

humor jace-wayland diary sarcasm

Cassandra Clare

5f9efa8

I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful one-hundred percent!

humor inspirational dr-seuss musical

Dr. Seuss

9a0b8da

DON'T THINK OF IT AS DYING, said Death. JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH.

humor

Terry Pratchett

64515ca

"Headline?" he asked. "'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said. "'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said. "'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said."

humour humor pedophile pedophilia john-green tfios the-fault-in-our-stars internet

John Green

4d907c1

"An Unbreakable Vow?" said Ron, looking stunned. "Nah, he can't have.... Are you sure?" "Yes I'm sure," said Harry. "Why, what does it mean?" "Well, you can't break an Unbreakable Vow..." "I'd worked that much out for myself, funnily enough."

humor unbreakable-vow malfoy snape ron-weasley

J.K. Rowling

4227bea

"Magnus, standing by the door, snapped his fingers impatiently. "Move it along, teenagers. The only person who gets to canoodle in my bedroom is my magnificent self." "Canoodle?" repeated Clary, never having heard the word before. "Magnificent?" repeated Jace, who was just being nasty. Magnus growled. The growl sounded like "Get out."

humor magnificent city-of-bones clary-fray jace-wayland magnus-bane

Cassandra Clare

62f81f0

"Trains are great dirty smoky things," said Will. "You won't like it." Tessa was unmoved. "I won't know if I like it until I try it, will I?" "I've never swum naked in the Thames before, but I know I wouldn't like it." "But think how entertaining for sightseers," said Tessa, and she saw Jem duck his head to hide the quick flash of his grin."

humor tessa-gray jem-carstairs will-herondale teasing

Cassandra Clare

a535246

"Alec looked at her and shook his head. "How do you manage never to get mud on your clothes?" Isabelle shrugged philosophically. "I'm pure at heart. It repels the dirt."

humor dirt city-of-ashes isabelle-lightwood clean sarcasm

Cassandra Clare

a864e6f

"No sight so sad as that of a naughty child," he began, "especially a naughty little girl. Do you know where the wicked go after death?" "They go to hell," was my ready and orthodox answer. "And what is hell? Can you tell me that?" "A pit full of fire." "And should you like to fall into that pit, and to be burning there for ever?" "No, sir." "What must you do to avoid it?" I deliberated a moment: my answer, when it did come was objectionable: "I must keep in good health and not die."

religion humor hell

Charlotte Brontë

2d06814

It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.

humor prank joke

Rick Riordan

a0d8323

"Can you surf really well, then?" I looked at Grover, who was trying hard not to laugh.

myth funny humor posiedon the-lightning-thief olympians athena zeus percy-jackson mythology

Rick Riordan

6cedd6f

"Seventeen, eh!" said Hagrid as he accepted a bucket-sized glass of wine from Fred. "Six years to the day we met, Harry, d'yeh remember it?" "Vaguely," said Harry, grinning up at him. "Didn't you smash down the front door, give Dudley a pig's tail, and tell me I was a wizard?" "I forge' the details," Hagrid chortled."

harry-potter humor hagrid dursley pig wizard

J.K. Rowling

8e74265

"Can you be a girl for a few seconds?" "I'm always a girl" I frown. "You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl" I twirl my hair around my finger. "Kay."

funny humor divergent tris veronica-roth

Veronica Roth

564e6b8

"We need to talk. All of us About what we're going to do now." "I was going to watch Project Runway."

humor clary jace

Cassandra Clare

9a10ab9

"But-" Maia, still looking at Alec and Magnus, broke off and rasied her eyebrows. Simon turned to see what she was looking at - and stared. Alec had his arms around Magnus and was kissing him full on the mouth. Magnus, who appeared to be in a state of shock, stood frozen. Several groups of people - Shadowhunters and Downworlders alike - were staring and whispering. Glancing to the side, Simon saw the Lightwoods, their eyes widen, gaping at the display. Maryse had her hand over her mouth. Maia looked perplexed. "Wait a second," she said. "Do we all have to do that, too?"

humor mortal-instruments

Cassandra Clare

56a16e8

Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.

humor

Terry Pratchett

40f08fc

I figured something out. The future is unpredictable.

humor inspirational obvious stupid

John Green

645dc06

God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players [i.e. everybody], to being involved in an obscure and complex variant of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who .

god humor gaiman

Terry Pratchett

515875a

"There's no need to clarify my finger snap," said Magnus. "The implication was clear in the snap itself."

humor magnus-bane

Cassandra Clare

89484cc

It's like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget.

humor foaly

Eoin Colfer

3f81427

"He cleared his throat and held up one hand dramatically. He grinned at us, waiting for applause. "That last line was four syllables." Artemis said. Apollo frowned. "Was it?" "Yes. What about "No, no, that's six syllable, hhhm." He started muttering to himself. Zoe Nightshade turned to us. "Lord Apollo has been going through this haiku phase ever since he visited Japan. Tis not as bad as the time he visited Limerick. If I'd had to hear one more poem that started with, "I've got it!" Apollo announced. " That's five syllables!" He bowed, looking very pleased with himself."

humor haiku artemis

Rick Riordan

5f8c379

Rachel: You're a half-blood, too? Annabeth: Shhh! Just announce it to the world, how about? Rachel: Okay. Hey, everybody! These two aren't human! They're half Greek god!...They don't seem to care.

humor half-blood rachel-elizabeth-dare

Rick Riordan

fe868f7

As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be?

optimism humor solace

Cassandra Clare

b12d50f

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

equality feminism humanism humor inspirational common-sense men-and-women

George Carlin

30d6ccb

Razors pain you, Rivers are damp, Acids stain you, And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful, Nooses give, Gas smells awful. You might as well live.

suicide humor

Dorothy Parker

e7651f0

To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

humor parents paraphrased

Oscar Wilde

b5082e8

There is nothing like puking with somebody to make you into old friends.

humor shared-ordeal

Sylvia Plath

ae8bfa0

It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally bad, but by people being fundamentally people.

humor

Neil Gaiman

4a23a66

I have a high pain threshold. In fact, it's more of a large and tastfully decorated foyer than a threshold. But I do get easily bored

humor

Cassandra Clare

d6247b4

People have an annoying habit of remembering things they shouldn't.

humor recall memory

Christopher Paolini

0c69ccf

Hey, Rosalie? Do you know how to drown a blonde? Stick a mirror to the bottom of a pool.

humor rosalie dawn jacob mirror

Stephenie Meyer

6c0bab0

"No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled. "Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?" "What?" "Oh, you'd like something simpler?"

humor interrogation police

Terry Pratchett

55fc75c

It's fascinating. You know all these words, and they're all English, but when you string them together into sentences, they just don't make any sense.

humor jace-lightwood sarcasm

Cassandra Clare

e9b21ec

I told Augustus the broad outline of my miracle: diagnosed with Stage IV thyroid cancer when I was thirteen. (I didn't tell him that the diagnosis came three months after I got my first period. Like: Congratulations! You're a woman. Now die.)

humor diagnosis john-green

John Green

a77753d

And next time you're planning to injure yourself to get me attention, just remember that a little sweet talk works wonders.

humor love clary-and-jace jace-and-clary jace

Cassandra Clare

c03cdef

"Hey," said Shadow. "Huginn or Muninn, or whoever you are." The bird turned, head tipped, suspiciously, on one side, and it stared at him with bright eyes. "Say 'Nevermore,'" said Shadow. "Fuck you," said the raven."

poe humor nevermore parody raven

Neil Gaiman

086fd70

That wasn't any act of God. That was an act of pure human fuckery.

humor

Stephen King

a89af26

Just because you're beautiful and perfect, it's made you conceited.

beauty humor love conceit

William Goldman

89ffa1e

Sections in the bookstore - Books You Haven't Read - Books You Needn't Read - Books Made for Purposes Other Than Reading - Books Read Even Before You Open Them Since They Belong to the Category of Books Read Before Being Written - Books That If You Had More Than One Life You Would Certainly Also Read But Unfortunately Your Days Are Numbered - Books You Mean to Read But There Are Others You Must Read First - Books Too Expensive Now and You'll Wait 'Til They're Remaindered - Books ditto When They Come Out in Paperback - Books You Can Borrow from Somebody - Books That Everybody's Read So It's As If You Had Read Them, Too - Books You've Been Planning to Read for Ages - Books You've Been Hunting for Years Without Success - Books Dealing with Something You're Working on at the Moment - Books You Want to Own So They'll Be Handy Just in Case - Books You Could Put Aside Maybe to Read This Summer - Books You Need to Go with Other Books on Your Shelves - Books That Fill You with Sudden, Inexplicable Curiosity, Not Easily Justified - Books Read Long Ago Which It's Now Time to Re-read - Books You've Always Pretended to Have Read and Now It's Time to Sit Down and Really Read Them

reading humor

Italo Calvino

082f3ad

"Inconceivable!" "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

funny humor movie princess

William Goldman

3e71cf3

She'd also called me brave...unless she was talking to the catfish.

fish humor

Rick Riordan

ce8a249

When beetles fight these battles in a bottle with their paddles and the bottle's on a poodle and the poodle's eating noodles... ...they call this a muddle puddle tweetle poodle beetle noodle bottle paddle battle.

humor

Dr. Seuss

3b35bf1

Humor is almost always anger with its make-up on.

humor

Stephen King

f468cca

"Basia coquum," Simon said. "Or whatever their motto is." "It's 'Descensus Averno facilis est.' 'The descent into hell is easy," said Alec. "You just said "Kiss the cook." "Dammit," said Simon. "I knew Jace was screwing with me."

humor simon-lewis

Cassandra Clare

74c33dd

Life sucks, and then you die...

humor inspirational

Stephenie Meyer

79799ae

Going round and around inside a dryer can be fatal, whereas pasta is rarely fatal. Unless Isabelle makes it.

humor fatal pasta isabelle-lightwood

Cassandra Clare

013a295

"Is this Clarissa Fray?" The voice on the other end of the phone sounded familiar, though not immediately identifiable. Clary twirled the phone cord nervously around her finger. "Yeees?" "Hi, I'm one of the knife-carrying hooligans you met last night in Pandemonium? I"m afraid I made a bad impression and was hoping you'd give me a chance to make it up to-" "SIMON!" Clary held the phone away from her ear as he cracked up laughing. "That is so not funny!" "Sure it is. You just don't see the humor." "Jerk." Clary sighed, leaning up against the wall."

humor simon-lewis tease joke phone

Cassandra Clare

ef86b23

Why it's simply impassible! Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible? Door: No, I do mean impassible. Nothing's impossible!

funny humor alice-in-wonderland door wordplay

Lewis Carroll

fdc56c6

Y'all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.

humor wise

John Green

d1e9d54

There is nothing more luxurious than eating while you read--unless it be reading while you eat. Amabel did both: they are not the same thing, as you will see if you think the matter over.

reading humor luxury eating

E. Nesbit

1a776b7

"Harry -- I think I've just understood something! I've got to go to the library!" And she sprinted away, up the stairs. " does she understand?" said Harry distractedly, still looking around, trying to tell where the voice had come from. "Loads more than I do," said Ron, shaking his head. "But why's she got to go to the library?" "Because that's what Hermione does," said Ron, shrugging. "When in doubt, go to the library."

library humor

J.K. Rowling

9fd2e9c

"It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever," he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching?"

humour humor teaching

Terry Pratchett

72db402

"I dreamed I was buying new shoes last night," said Ron. "What d'ya think that's gonna mean?" "Probably that you're going to be eaten by a giant marshmallow or something," said Harry."

harry-potter humor marshmallow ron-weasley

J.K. Rowling

7de25e2

"Mistletoe," said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry's head. He jumped out from under it. "Good thinking," said Luna seriously. "It's often infested with nargles."

humor

J.K. Rowling

8fd1ca8

"Aren't they supposed to be hiring someone else to train me full-time ?" "Yes," he said, getting up and pulling her to her feet along with him," and I'm worried that if you get into the habit of making out with your instructors, you'll wind up making out with him, too." " Don't be sexist. They could find me a female instructor." "In that case you have my permission to make out with her, as long as I can watch."

humor clary-fray jace-lightwood

Cassandra Clare

2d9f03c

"Watching Jace hug Isabelle, she tried to school her features into a happy and loving expression. "Are you all right?" Simon asked, with some concern. "Your eyes are crossing."

humor clary-fray simon-lewis

Cassandra Clare

3854059

"I've got the Mark of Cain," said Simon. "That means nothing can kill me, right?" "You can kill yourself," Magnus said, somewhat unhelpfully. "As far as I know, inanimate objects can accidentally kill you. So if you were planning on teaching yourself the lambada on a greased platform over a pit full of knives, I wouldn't." "There goes my Saturday."

funny humor lambada mark-of-cain city-of-lost-souls the-mortal-instruments magnus-bane simon-lewis

Cassandra Clare

d421d2f

"Who're you going with, then?" said Ron. "Angelina," said Fred promptly, without a trace of embarrassment. "What?" said Ron, taken aback. "You've already asked her?" "Good point," said Fred. He turned his head and called across the common room, "Oi! Angelina!" Angelina, who had been chatting with Alicia Spinnet near the fire, looked over at him. "What?" She called back. "Want to come to the ball with me?" Angelina gave Fred a sort of appraising look. "All right, then," she said, and she turned back to Alicia and carried on chatting with a bit of a grin on her face. "There you go," said Fred to Harry and Ron, "piece of cake."

harry-potter humor weasley dating

J.K. Rowling

5ddc62e

I love new clothes. If everyone could just wear new clothes everyday, I reckon depression wouldn't exist anymore.

humor fashion

Sophie Kinsella

ef98ffb

Look, let me just say it: He was hot. A nonhot boy stares at you relentlessly and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault. But a hot boy . . . well.

humor

John Green

26b5834

"Jace perched on the windowsill and looked down at him. "You really don't get this bodyguard thing, do you?" "I didn't even think you liked me all that much," said Simon. "Is this one of those keep-your-friends-close-and-your-enemies-closer things?" "I thought it was keep your friends close so you have someone to drive the car when you sneak over to your enemy's house a night and throw up in his mailbox." "I'm pretty sure that's not it"

humor city-of-fallen-angels jace-lightwood simon-lewis

Cassandra Clare

0945699

A towel, [The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy] says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mind-boggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.

humor

Douglas Adams

95df17f

You are speaking of my future lover. Be more respectful.

romance humor true-blood sookie-stackhouse

Charlaine Harris

8ce0bee

"So this is it," said Arthur, "We are going to die." "Yes," said Ford, "except... no! Wait a minute!" He suddenly lunged across the chamber at something behind Arthur's line of vision. "What's this switch?" he cried. "What? Where?" cried Arthur, twisting round. "No, I was only fooling," said Ford, "we are going to die after all."

science humor

Douglas Adams

5149fde

"Eragon looked back at him, confused. "I don't understand." "Of course you don't," said Brom impatiently. "That's why I'm teaching you and not the other way around."

humor

Christopher Paolini

ca927b6

My name is Percy Jackson. I'm twelve years old. Until a few months ago, I was a boarding student at Yancy Academy, a private school for troubled kids in upstate New York. Am I a troubled kid? Yeah. You could say that.

humor introduction percy-jackson trouble school

Rick Riordan

1249e06

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

humor

George Bernard Shaw

908e8cd

"By the Angel," Jace said, looking the demon up and down. "I knew Greater Demons were meant to be ugly, but no one ever warned me about the smell." Abbadon opened its mouth and hissed. Inside its mouth were two rows of jagged glass-sharp teeth. "I'm not sure about this wind and howling darkness business," Jace went on, "smells more like landfill to me. You sure you're not from Staten Island?"

humor taunting jace-wayland demon teasing fearlessness sarcasm

Cassandra Clare

42c444c

"Jace's eyes sparkled, but he said calmly, "Not at all. the Silent Brothers can help her retrieve her memories." "You hate the Silent Brothers," protested Isabelle. "I don't hate them," said Jace candidly."I'm afraid of them. It's not the same thing." "I thought you said they were libarians," said Clary. "They are librarians." Simon whistled. "Those must be some killer late fees."

humor librarians

Cassandra Clare

51057d2

"Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor, and he smells like windex." "At least you know he's still available."

humor simon-lewis dating

Cassandra Clare

fbb4ef7

"Lawful good to lawful evil!" said Simon, pleased. "He's quoting Dungeons and Dragons," said Clary. "Ignore him."

humor simon

Cassandra Clare

59d5287

Curiouser and curiouser.

humor favorites

Lewis Carroll

2aa7a17

"We'll never survive!" "Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has."

optimism humor survival

William Goldman

9e7de12

I like to have a martini, Two at the very most. After three I'm under the table, after four I'm under my host.

humor drunken-behaviour

Dorothy Parker

ad01dfe

A goal without a plan is just a wish.

humor inspirational enterprise planning

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

c68f516

"I have lightning and wind powers," Jason reminded him. "Piper can turn beautiful and charm people into giving her BMWs. You're no more a freak than we are. And, hey, maybe you can fly, too. Like jump off a building and yell 'Flame on!'" Leo snorted. "If I did that, you would see a flaming kid falling to his death, and I would be yelling something a little stronger than 'Flame on!"

funny humor powers the-lost-hero

Rick Riordan

922f7e8

"They turned to Angel. "We will call you Little One," the leader said, obviously deciding to dispense with the whole confusing name thing. "Okay," said Angel agreeably. "I'll call you Guy in a White Lab Coat." He frowned. "That can be his Indian name," I suggested."

humor maximum-ride

James Patterson

8e35c4e

Also, I'm sleeping with your mom. Just thought you should know.

humor jocelyn-fray simon-lewis

Cassandra Clare

b6ea1e5

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God granted it.

social-justice religion humor prayers ridicule satire social-life

Voltaire

86170ac

"Can't stay long, Mother," he said. "I'm up front, the prefects have got two compartments to themselves-" "Oh, are you a prefect, Percy?" said one of the twins, with an air of great surprise. "You should have said something, we had no idea." "Hang on, I think I remember him saying something about it," said the other twin. "Once-" "Or twice-" "A minute-" "All summer-" "Oh, shut up," said Percy the Prefect."

humor george-weasley prefect percy-weasley

J.K. Rowling

e2d40db

Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.

humor

David Sedaris

af82ff4

He'd been wrong, there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and it was a flamethrower.

humor

Terry Pratchett

d828112

"I know - I'll play you for it," Alice suggested. "Rock, paper, scissors." Jasper chuckled and Edward sighed. "Why don't you just tell me who wins?" Edward said wryly. Alice beamed. "I do. Excellent."

humor furture-telling edward

Stephenie Meyer

769918c

"I'm gonna kill him," Eve said, or at least that was what it sounded like filtered through the pillow. Stake him right in the heart, shove garlic up his ass, and-and-" And what?" (Michael) When did you get home?" Claire demanded. Apparently just in time to hear my funeral plans. I especially like the garlic up the ass. It's...different."

humor vampires

Rachel Caine

1ce9ec8

"I can talk to fish!" Angel said happily, water dripping off her long, skinny body. "Ask one over for dinner," Fang said, joining us."

humor maximum-ride

James Patterson

b6eff2e

She said this in the same way you might say Fields of Punishment or Hades's gym shorts.

humor

Rick Riordan

52196ee

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.

humor epigram

Oscar Wilde

f22b405

So that's little Scorpious. Make sure you beat him in every test, Rosie. Thank god you've inherited your mother's brains.

humor malfoy ron-weasley

J.K. Rowling

5371ce4

"I'm calm," Rachel insisted. "Every time I'm around you, some monsters attack us. What's to be nervous about?" "Look," I said. "I'm sorry about the band room. I hope they didn't kick you our or anything." "Nah. They asked me a lot of questions about you. I played dumb." "Was it hard?" Annabeth asked."

insult humor dumb rachel-dare percy-jackson

Rick Riordan

cea4249

HUMAN BEINGS MAKE LIFE SO INTERESTING. DO YOU KNOW, THAT IN A UNIVERSE SO FULL OF WONDERS, THEY HAVE MANAGED TO INVENT BOREDOM. (Death)

humor cynism ennui boredom

Terry Pratchett

5a50ef4

"The only difference between

politics humor electoral-politics george-w-bush

Kurt Vonnegut