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Link Quote Stars Tags Author
764d7a5 I am Jack's broken heart. humor Chuck Palahniuk
4a44e56 "A--ris--ta?" Degan asked, sounding horse. "What is it?" "A rat bit me," she said, once again shocked by her own rasping voice. "Jasper does that if--" Gaunt coughed and hacked. After a moment, he spoke again. "If he thinks you're dead or too weak to fight." "Jasper?" "I call him that, but I've also named the stones in my cell." "I only counted mine," Arista said. "Two hundred and thirty-four," Degan replied instantly. "I have two hundred and twenty-eight." "Did you count the cracked ones as two?" "No." humor prisoners Michael J. Sullivan
695c156 [S]ometimes, when you are a food person, the possible irrelevance of what you are doing doesn't cross your mind until it's too late. (Once, for example, when I was just starting out in the food business, I was hired by the caper people to develop a lot of recipes using capers, and it was weeks of tossing capers into just about everything but milkshakes before I came to terms with the fact that nobody really likes capers no matter what you do with them. Some people to like capers, but the truth is that any dish that tastes good with capers in it tastes even better with capers not in in. humor Nora Ephron
cf4fb1c Give me a small intimate gathering of five people, a dinner party, where one-on-one conversations can be had, where people talk about current events, good books, good food, and weird news. That was my idea of a good time. humor party Penny Reid
85af8d8 "This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person is me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I'd gotten the time of the train wrong. I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table. I want you to picture the scene. It's very important that you get this very clear in your mind. Here's the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There's a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase. It didn't look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it. Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There's nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies. You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know... But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn't do anything, and thought, What am I going to do? In the end I thought Nothing for it, I'll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, That settled him. But it hadn't because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie. Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice..." I mean, it doesn't really work. english humor Douglas Adams
97844f1 "...Right now there's a pair of bad cops on their way out here to shoot me." "You don't know that." "Yeah, you're right," Stranahan said. "They're probably just collecting Toys for Tots. Now go." humor Carl Hiaasen
e30c785 "I swear there are about a million rocks underneath me," [Dylan] said grouchily. Think of it as therapeutic. Like a shiatsu massage." (Sadie) You obviously have a much better imagination than me," he said." humor rocks Sarah Mayberry
34a2c0c I took her outside on to a little roof terrace that looked like it never got the sun at nay time of the day r year, but there was a picnic table and a grill out there anyway. Those little grills are everywhere in England, right? To me they've come to represent the trumph of hope over circumstance, seeing as all you can do is peer at them out the window through the pissing rain. humor london Nick Hornby
88161eb What a nice neat deep trench,' I said. 'Er - should Nefret be down in it?' 'She thought she saw a skull,' Ramses said. 'You know how she is about bones. humor Elizabeth Peters
b754b90 "(Hunter) "conner was at his desk, tapping away at another computer. It was amazing how much he and Quinn looked alike. Quinn nudged me as if he knew what I was thinking. "I'm cuter,"he informed me loftily." humor hunter-and-quinn Alyxandra Harvey
adeeb28 Four of us,' said Morwen. The cats yowled. 'Yes, I know, and of course you're coming, but you can't carry a bucket of soapy water, so for the purposes of this discussion it doesn't matter,' she told them. The cats gave her an affronted look, turned their backs, and began making indignant little noises at each other. humor morwen Patricia C. Wrede
f731e42 You have more issues than Reader's Digest. funny humor mental-health psychology reader-s-digest Rebecca McNutt
44e39c0 Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving? god-s-will humor Woody Allen
65f8f12 "Stupid English." "English isn't stupid," I say. "Well, my English teacher is." He makes a face. "Mr. Franklin assigned an essay about our favorite subject, and I wanted to write about lunch, but he won't let me." "Why not?" "He says lunch isn't a subject." grammar humor school Jodi Picoult
4781cb8 The medical profession is unconsciously irritated by lay knowledge. humor medical John Steinbeck
3f79266 Your boat's not like to sink, I don't think. Boats only sink when I'm aboard. humor George R.R. Martin
368c679 I believe it was Gayelord Hauser, the nutritionist, who said, 'You are what you eat,' but if you happen to be an intellectual, you are what you quote. humor quotatious Joseph Epstein
dac21ea You see, the only thing the good people are good at is overthrowing the bad people. And you're good at that, I'll grant you. But the trouble is it's the only thing you're good at. One day it's the ringing of the bells and the casting down of the evil tyrant, and the next it's everyone sitting around complaining that ever since the tyrant was overthrown no one's been taking out the trash. Because the bad people know how to plan. It's part of the specification, you might say. Every evil tyrant has a plan to rule the world. The good people don't seem to have the knack. humor inspirational vetinari Terry Pratchett
0cbab53 John Longridge, the cook at Harley-street, had suffered from low spirits for more than thirty years, and he was quick to welcome Stephen as a newcomer to the freemasonry of melancholy. humor Susanna Clarke
2bb1861 The Emperor Napoleon Buonaparte had been banished to the island of Elba. However His Imperial Majesty had some doubts wheter a quiet island life would suit him - he was, after all, accustomed to governing a large proportion of the known world. historical-fiction humor Susanna Clarke
4ec743c But it isn't hunger that drives millions of armed American Males to forests and hills every autumn, as the high incidence of heart failure among the hunters will prove. Somehow the hunting process has to do with masculinity, but I don't quite know how. humor hunting John Steinbeck
1f2be27 The man gave Dodger a cursory glance that had quite a lot of curse in it. dodger glance humor Terry Pratchett
310f4e3 My computer terminal whistles at me: YOU HAVE MAIL. No shit, Sherlock, I always have mail. It's an existential thing: if I don't have mail it would mean that something is very wrong with the world humor Charles Stross
8519230 "Sebastian," Katarina said, turning to her nephew. "You've grown." "It happens," Sebastian quipped, flashing her his usual lopsided grin. "Goodness," she said with smile, "you'll be a danger to the ladies soon." Harry very nearly rolled his eyes. Sebastian had already made conquests of nearly all the girls in the village near Hesslewhite. He must give off some sort of scent, because the females positively fell at his feet. It would have been appalling, except that the girls couldn't all dance with Sebastian. And Harry was more than happy to be the nearest man standing when the smoke cleared." humor Julia Quinn
5d9b9c5 In short, he was a dope. He often looked to Yossarian like one of those people hanging around modern museums with both eyes together on one side of a face. It was an illusion, of course, generated by Clevinger's predilection for staring fixedly at one side of a question and never seeing the other side at all. humor Joseph Heller
be3d140 Why write a song when no one can play the notes or understand the lyrics? humor series vampires Christopher Moore
7472010 If they look as though they're worried, we'll move in.' 'And do what exactly?' said Polly. 'Threaten to shoot them,' said Maladict firmly. 'And if they don't believe us?' 'Then we'll threaten to shoot them ,' said Maladict. 'Happy? And I hope to hell they've got some coffee! humor Terry Pratchett
8489297 "Bob," I said, louder. "Are you saying it... it ate my magic?" Bob got a defensive look on his face. "Not all of it. I woke you up as quick as I could. Harry, don't worry about it, you'll heal. Sure, you might be down for a couple of months. Or, um, years. Well, decades, possibly, but that's only a very outside chance--" I cut him off with a slash of my hand. "He ate part of my power," I said. "Does that mean that the Nightmare is stronger?" "Well, naturally, Harry. You are what you eat." "Dammit," I snarled, pressing one hand against my forehead. "Okay, okay. We've really got to find this thing now." I started pacing back and forth. "If it's using my power, it makes me responsible for what it does with it." Bob scoffed. "Harry, that's irrational." I shot him a look. "That doesn't make it any less true," I snapped. "Okay," Bob said, meekly. "We have now left Reason and Sanity Junction. Next stop, Looneyville." humor Jim Butcher
f0ac46a "Aer-O-Smith. Arrowsmith. Does the shirt belong to your weapon dealer?" "No." "Then why do you wear the shirt of someone else's weapon dealer?" harry-dresden humor t-shirts Jim Butcher
0e7fc4b "Myrtle goggled at them. "You're alive," she said blankly to Harry. "There's no need to sound so disappointed," he said grimly... "Oh, well... I'd just be thinking... if you had died, you'd have been welcome to share my toilet," said Myrtle, blushing silver. "Urgh!" said Ron... "Harry! I think Myrtle's grown fond of you! You've got competition, Ginny!" harry humor myrtle ron J.K. Rowling
f47bb0b DEATH . . . And now you are here to fight for this woman. You know her promise is given. She has to die or her husband won't go free. APOLLO Relax, I'm not breaking any laws. DEATH Why the bow, if you're breaking no laws? APOLLO I always carry a bow, it's my trademark. humor Anne Carson
c94de3f Egg has the truth of it. Aerion's quite the monster. He thinks he's a dragon in human form, you know. That's why he was so wroth at that puppet show. A pity he wasn't born a Fossoway, then he'd think himself an apple and we'd all be a deal safer, but there you are. dunk-and-egg fantasy george-r-r-martin humor the-hedge-knight George R.R. Martin
f28db89 I have to admit we are locked in the most exquisite mysterious muck. This muck heaves and palpitates. It is multi-directional and has a mayor. To describe it takes many hundreds of thousands of words. Our muck is only a part of a much greater muck -- the nation-state -- which is itself the creation of that muck of mucks, human consciousness. Of course all these things also have a touch of sublimity -- as when Moonbelly sings, for example, or all the lights go out. What a happy time that was, when all the electricity went away! If only we could re-create that paradise! By, for instance, all forgetting to pay our electric bills at the same time. All nine million of us. Then we'd all get those little notices that say unless we remit within five days the lights will go out. We all stand up from our chairs with the notice in ours hands. The same thought drifts across the furrowed surface of nine million minds. We wink at each other, through the walls. human-society humor life Donald Barthelme
27602ee over protective? a butler in a grade- B movie? someones jewish mother? you got it humor zifnab Margaret Weis
0ed2161 Decided to put aside ethnic differences in the cause of making more money. humor Terry Pratchett
164182e Typical artist,' said Granny. 'He just painted the showy stuff in the front... And what about these cherubs? We're not going to get them too, are we? I don't like to see little babies flying through the air.' 'They turn up in a lot of old paintings,' said Nanny Ogg. 'They put them in to show it's Art and not just naughty pictures of ladies with not many clothes on.' 'Well, they're not fooling ME,' said Granny Weatherwax. humor Terry Pratchett
95c9fda Look, this is just the cemetery. It's got bylaws and things! It's not Transylvania! There's just dead people here! That doesn't make it scary, does it? Dead people are people who were living once! You wouldn't be so worked up if there were living people buried here, would you? humor Terry Pratchett
7bec315 The Great God Om waxed wroth, or at least made a spirited attempt. There is a limit to the amount of wroth that can be waxed one inch from the ground, and he was right up against it. humor Terry Pratchett
169f793 "Like they'd never seen a hot professor before. You made quite an impression in your turtleneck." "Ah, yes, the turtleneck. Turtles have that effect on people." humor julianne-emerson Sylvain Reynard
eeaa7a3 I put the books I was returning on the appropriate desk, and I began looking at the shelves of new arrivals. Most of them were some permutation on self-help. Going by how popular these books were and how often they were checked out, everyone in Bon Temps should have become perfect by now. humor library Charlaine Harris
dab59e6 I am Snugglepumpkin. Hear me roar humor Kevin Hearne
cff2346 Are you going to kick somebody's ass? I don't know. Maybe. Well, I'm not going to worry. I've watched you spar with that martial arts dummy in the backyard lots of times, and you always win. Thanks, buddy. I'll see you soon. humor oberon Kevin Hearne
b06d14b "What's your name?" "Emma Gould," she said. "What's yours?" "Wanted." "By all the girls or just the law?" gangsters humor Dennis Lehane
d437e27 "There's someone in town asking for directions to Bhaile Anois," she said. "He checked in late last night at the inn." Any and Dan exchanged uneasy glances. "What does he look like?" Amy asked. Fiona narrowed her eyes. "Sneaky, for certain," she said. "And he's quite a waster. Good for nothin' but complaining. Nora over at the inn said he's never satisfied with the temperature if his tea, and he asked for a cashmere throw in his room." Any and Dan exchanged another glance. "IAN," they said together, and sighed. "You the eejit?" Fiona asked. "The eejit is our cousin," Amy said. " cousin," Dan added. "Very, very distant." amy-cahill dan-cahill humor ian-kabra Jude Watson
d5cd77d "You do that Helen", Mallory dared. "And tell him we said to f*ck off while youre at it"." helen humor mallory swearing Chloe Neill
8d3c2d2 THOMASINA: But then the Egyptian noodle made carnal embrace with the enemy who burned the great library of Alexandria without so much as a fine for all that is overdue! humor libraries thomasina Tom Stoppard
2d6d403 Do you sometimes wish you could fast-forward a week? You know something bad's coming up, and you know you'll get through it, but the prospect just makes you feel sick. I worried for about thirty minutes, and though I knew there was no point in doing so, I could feel my anxiety twisting me up in a knot. 'Bullshit,' I told myself stoutly. 'This is utter bullshit. humor Charlaine Harris
172645c Men and the pursuit of them are strongly intertwined with my mental health. I would say, in my defensive defense, that the problem with being a serial monogamist is, there isn't anybody random or unimportant: everybody you sleep with really means something, which is to say each of them is on your public record. At some point I wake up thinking, Fuck this! I don't want another man in my bed ever again. What I really want is a cat. humor love men sex Emma Forrest
905d55a They went inside. The young ones shuffled to a stop as their ironic sensibilities, which served them in lieu of souls, were jammed by a signal of overwhelming power. generations humor Neal Stephenson
75c452d "You would never do anything like that, would you?" my wife asked him. "You would never hurt animals." Our son shook his head, looking offended by the question. He might have been lying, but my knowledge of his belief system, composed of equal parts off-kilter Far Side animal-centrism and a dark Captain Nemoesque contempt for humanity, inclined me to think he was telling the truth. Gigantic fish pulling the limbs from cruel little boys, that might be something you could get him to sign on for." humor Michael Chabon
7b01dc9 "And indeed there will be time To wonder, 'Do I shed?' and, 'Do I shed?' Time to turn back and stretch out on the bed, And give myself a bath before I'm fed -- (They will say: 'It's the short-haired ones I prefer.') My flea collar buckled neatly in my fur, My expression cool and distant but softened by a gentle purr -- (They will say: 'I'm allergic to his fur!') Do I dare Jump up on the table? In an instant there is time For excursions and inversions that will make me seem unstable." (From )" humor prufrock t-s-eliot Henry N. Beard
7df7118 "God save King Pendragon, May his reign long drag on, God save the King. Send him most gorious, Great and uproarious, classic humor pendragon T.H. White
8fe314c "I said: "All right, talk, but do you mind putting the gun away? My wife doesn't care, but I'm pregnant and I don't want the child to be born with..." humor Dashiell Hammett
056405c "Men came in and dragged us apart. It took us five minutes to bring Nora to. She sat up holding her cheek and looked around the room until she saw Morelli, nippers on one wrist, standing between two detectives. Morelli's face was a mess: the coppers had worked him over a little just for the fun of it. Nora glared at me. "You damned fool," she said, "you didn't have to knock me cold. I knew you'd take him, but I wanted to see it." One of the coppers laughed. "Jesus," he said admiringly, "there's a woman with hair on her chest." humor Dashiell Hammett
ffff60f "Bottled, was he?" Said Colonel Bantry, with an Englishman's sympathy for alcoholic excess. "Oh, well, can't judge a fellow by what he does when he's drunk? When I was at Cambridge, I remember I put a certain utensil - well - well, nevermind." cambridge embarassment englishman humor humour sympathy utensil Agatha Christie
cb64236 The United States was a big country where everybody wore funny t-shirts and ate too much. demotivational humor united-states Adam Rex
9aa6bd7 "He made the country down in Illinois, and He made the Missouri", the little girl continued. "I guess somebody else made the country in these parts. It's not nearly so well done. They forgot the water and the trees." -- god humor Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
67ee32d "Says O'Sullivan to me, "Mr. Fay, I'll have a word wid yeh?" "Certainly," says I; "what can I do for you?" "Sell me your sea- boots, Mr. Fay," says O'Sullivan, polite as can be. "But what will you be wantin' of them?" says I. "'Twill be a great favour," says O'Sullivan. "But it's my only pair," says I; "and you have a pair of your own," says I. "Mr. Fay, I'll be needin' me own in bad weather," says O'Sullivan. "Besides," says I, "you have no money." "I'll pay for them when we pay off in Seattle," says O'Sullivan. "I'll not do it," says I; "besides, you're not tellin' me what you'll be doin' with them." "But I will tell yeh," says O'Sullivan; "I'm wantin' to throw 'em over the side." And with that I turns to walk away, but O'Sullivan says, very polite and seducin'-like, still a-stroppin' the razor, "Mr. Fay," says he, "will you kindly step this way an' have your throat cut?" And with that I knew my life was in danger, and I have come to make report to you, sir, that the man is a violent lunatic." funny humor sailor sea ship witty Jack London
ecd4301 Gerald's look assured her that he and the others would be as near angels as children could be without ceasing to be human. humor phonies E. Nesbit
af802d3 "Abbey," Sarah said, "life is to be lived. If you're living, you're going to stumble along the way." "All the time?" Abigail lept to her feet and began to pace. "I have such a bad temper and when I was in my teens, I wasn't above using my gift for revenge. None of you did that." Joley slowly raised her hand, sliding down in the chair as she did so. Hannah followed suit, though she didn't look in the least remorseful. Sarah shrugged her shoulders and raised her hand and glared at Elle, who just grinned sheepishly and put up a couple of fingers. Carol tossed her head and waved her arm with gusto." humor revenge Christine Feehan
b2a5cdb "She turned to Frizz. "So you understand the problem? You can't let Tally know about Radical Honesty. There's no telling what she'll do if she finds out you could ruin her plans." humor scott-westerfeld Scott Westerfeld
0ab9a6e We found the bathrooms, which were labeled 'Aliens' and 'Femaliens.' 'Finally,' I said to J.Lo. 'Here's a bathroom you're allowed to use. humor toilet Adam Rex
c90f6aa "I do lend my books, but I have to be a bit selective because my marginalia are so incriminating." --Alison Bechdel" humor reading Leah Price
900ae89 The Shrink always warned me that carriers stay wracked with lifelong guilt. It's not an uplifting thing having turned lovers into monsters. We feel bad that we haven't turned into monsters ourselves--survivor's guilt, that's called. And we feel a bit stupid that we didn't notice our own symptoms earlier. I mean, I'd been sort of wondering why the Atkins diet was giving me night vision. But that hadn't seemed like something to worry about... funny guilt humor ombies parasites vampires Scott Westerfeld
a179189 "He opened the door wider. "He's waiting." He gave me what was probably meant to be a significant wink, but a corner of his mouth moved more than his eye did and the result was a fairly startling face." humor wink Dashiell Hammett
4aaf0e0 The whole point of straws, I had thought, was that you did not have to set down the slice of pizza to suck a dose of Coke while reading a paperback. funny humor quirky Nicholson Baker
696e8e1 I enrage myself with an imbecile. I say, 'I would like to kick him.' Instead I kick the table. I say, 'This table, it is the imbecile, I kick him so. hercule-poirot humor Agatha Christie
ca9cc91 Hercule Poirot spread out his hands in his most foreign manner. humor poirot Agatha Christie
cfc1cf5 You don't appreciate a faithful husband when you've got one,' said Tommy. 'All my friends tell me you never know with husbands,' said Tuppance. 'You have the wrong kind of friends,' said Tommy. faithfulness friends funny humor husband husband-and-wife-relationship tommy-and-tuppance Agatha Christie
85c69c7 And here is the shocking plot twist: as farmers produced those extra calories, the food industry figured out how to get them into the bodies of people who didn't really want to eat 700 more calories a day. humor slow-food-nation Barbara Kingsolver
b981078 What would people think?' Jesus said that people think all sorts of things. The human mind is like a cloud of gnats. Constant motion. That's why you have to look at the heart. 'Oh,' said Grandpa. humor inspiration jesus Garrison Keillor
5f1b052 "come humans, fulfill your evolutionary purpose adn build your hound a fire." Oberon" humor sarcasm Kevin Hearne
e79decd "I watched my friend Eleanor give birth," she said. "Once you've seen a child born, you realize a baby's not much more than a reconstituted ham and cheese sandwich. Just a little anagram of you and what you've been eating for nine months." babies baby benna birth humor Lorrie Moore
56acc18 There, I was just a secretary-shaped confederation of atoms, fighting the inevitability of mediocrity and decay. But here, in the Juliaverse... energy was never lost, merely converted from one form to another. Here, I took butter and cream and meat and eggs and I made delicious sustenance. humor Julie Powell
3495b93 Sissy had two great failings. She was a great lover and a great mother. She had so much of tenderness in her, so much of wanting to give of herself to whoever needed what she had, whether it was her money, her time, the clothes off her back, her pity, her understanding, her friendship or her companionship and love. She was mother to everything that came her way. She loved men, yes. She loved women too, and old people, and especially children. How she loved children! She loved the down-and-outers. She wanted to make everybody happy. She had tried to seduce the good priest who heard her infrequent confessions because she felt sorry for him. She thought he was missing the greatest joy on earth by being committed to a life of celibacy. humor love Betty Smith
8af855c At least I rescued your poor hot dog. coming-of-age disturbing fire frightening funny ghost ghoul gives-me-the-willies goosebumps grief hot-dog humor laugh lonely lord madness nostalgia pyrokinesis rescue savior scary sleepaway-camp spooky summer-camp teen teenage wiener wiener-roast R.L. Stine
98753b4 "This isn't going to work," Justine murmured. "It is going to work ," I told her, keeping my tone confident. "We'll breeze right in. The Rack will be with us." Justine glanced at me with an arched eyebrow. "The Rack?" "The Rack is more than just boobs, Justine," I told her soberly. "It's an energy field created by all living boobs. It surrounds us, penetrates us, and binds the galaxy together." Andi started giggling. "You're insane." "But functionally so," I said, and adjusted myself to round out a little better. "Just let go your conscious self and act on instinct." Justine stared blankly at me for a second. Then her face lightened and she let out a little laugh. "The Rack will be with us?" I couldn't stop myself from cracking a smile. "Always." humor star-wars Jim Butcher
e055db4 He humphed and grabbed a carton of milk, then chugged directly from the cardboard spout. Mallory and I watched him, the same grimace on both our faces. Sure, I did the same thing with OJ, but he was a boy, and it was milk. That was just gross. double-standards humor mallory merit Chloe Neill
52ef74f Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Felicity and Ann hunched over their ornaments as if they were fascinating relics from an archaeological dig. I note that their shoulders are trembling, and I realize that they are fighting laughter over my terrible plight. There's friendship for you. doyle felicity friendship gemma humor sarcasm Libba Bray
2b9613a "He built a tower to try and be closer to her and walled himself inside." She stared at him for a moment as if waiting for something. "And?" He glanced at her, puzzled. "And, what?" She widened her eyes. "How does the story end? Did the sorcerer win his Moon Maiden?" "Of course not," he said irritably. "She lived on the and was quite unattainable. I suppose he must've starved or pined away or fallen off the wall at some point." humor Elizabeth Hoyt
6bafdbe "Feminine psychology is admittedly odd, sir. The poet Pope..." "Never mind about the poet Pope, Jeeves." "No, sir." bertie-wooster humor jeeves jeeves-and-wooster poets P.G. Wodehouse
3bb456f "The young man is currently standing in the hallway, dripping on the handmade silk rug that the Emperor of the Indies presented to His Majesty's grandmother. He is insisting on speaking with His Majesty." "It's a very ugly rug," Mendanbar said. "That's why we put it in the entry hall." humor king mendanbar rug Patricia C. Wrede
cbcddd2 "Kate picked up her coffee cup, frowning when she saw it was empty. "Did you drink my coffee?" "Yes. I was feeling aggressive." friendship humor Jennifer Crusie
9b800d3 "this sentence I'm reading is terrific" i can be quite sarcastic when I'm in the mood. He didn't get it, though. He started walking around the room again, picking up all my personal stuff, and Stradlater's. Finally, I put my book down on the floor. you couldn't read anything with a guy like Ackley around. It was impossible. I slid way the hell down in my chair and watched old Ackley making himself at home. I was feeling sort of tired from the trip to New York and all, and I started yawning. then horsing around a little bit. Sometimes I horse around quite a lot, just to keep from getting bored. what i did was, I pulled the old peak of my hunting hat around to the front, then pulled it way down over my eyes. that way i couldn't see a goddam thing."I think I'm going blind,"I said in this very hoarse voice."Mother darling, everything's getting do dark in here." "You're nuts. I swear to God,"Ackley said. "Mother darling, give me your hand, Why won't you give me your hand?" "For Chrissake, grow up." I started groping around in front of me, like a blind guy, but without getting up or anything. I kept saying,"mother darling, why wont you give me you're hand ?" I was only horsing around, naturally." humor J.D. Salinger
eeb75cb An international power supply is the device which means it doesn't matter what country you're in, or even if you know what country you're in (more of a problem than you might suspect) - you just plug your Mac in and it figures it out for itself. We call this principle Plug and Play. Or at least, Microsoft calls it that because it hasn't got it yet. In the Mac world we've had it for so long we didn't even think of giving it a name. humor Douglas Adams
e4cac10 By the 1920s if you wanted to work behind a lunch counter you needed to know that 'Noah's boy' was a slice of ham (since Ham was one of Noah's sons) and that 'burn one' or 'grease spot' designated a hamburger. 'He'll take a chance' or 'clean the kitchen' meant an order of hash, 'Adam and Eve on a raft' was two poached eggs on toast, 'cats' eyes' was tapioca pudding, 'bird seed' was cereal, 'whistleberries' were baked beans, and 'dough well done with cow to cover' was the somewhat labored way of calling for an order of toast and butter. Food that had been waiting too long was said to be 'growing a beard'. Many of these shorthand terms have since entered the mainstream, notably BLT for a bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich, 'over easy' and 'sunny side up' in respect of eggs, and 'hold' as in 'hold the mayo'. humor language Bill Bryson
17347c8 Who is this man?' 'Chinaman, or rather half Chinese and half German. Got a daft name. Calls himself Doctor No - Doctor Julius No.' 'No? Spelt like Yes?' 'That's right. doctor-no humor james-bond Ian Fleming
168b084 Once upon a time she had liked to dance. When she had been about the same age as the little brunette out there who kept lifting her dress up over her head. Now that was living. Just lift your dress if you wanted to get down and don't worry what anyone thought. dance humor inspirational living Erin McCarthy
13814aa Can I get you anything? A drink? A fresh change of clothes? A membership card to Hypocrites International? humor Erin McCarthy
87f8653 It would be especially comforting to believe that I have the answer to the question, What happens when we die? Does the light just go out and that's that--the million-year nap? Or will some part of my personality, my me-ness, persist? What will that feel like? What will I do all day? Is there a place to plug in my laptop? death humor Mary Roach
d5d6f8f "Bananas?" He nodded with a small grin. "I discovered about those years ago that I absolutely hate those damn things." "But they're just bananas." "They're the fruit of the devil." A surprised laugh burst out of me. "That's ridiculous." The half grin spread and the dimple appeared. "It's the truth. Now it's your turn." cute-moments humor normal Jennifer L. Armentrout
4549d09 "My toes curled against the soft leather sofa pf my flip-flops and my throat felt scratchy as i forced the words out. "I'm...I'm new." There! I did it. I spoke. Take that, everyone! Words were totally my bitch." exaggeration excitement humor Jennifer L. Armentrout
cc22bbd "New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives it to the poorer one...just like President Obama wants to do with his secret army of ACORN volunteers. Green Bay, Wisconsin, has a population of one hundred thousand. Yet this sleepy little town on the banks of the Fuck-if-I-know River has just as much of a chance of making it to the Super Bowl as the New York Jets--who next year need to just shut the hell up and play. Now, me personally, I haven't watched a Super Bowl since 2004, when Janet Jackson's nipple popped out during halftime. and that split-second glimpse of an unrestrained black titty burned by eyes and offended me as a Christian. But I get it--who doesn't love the spectacle of juiced-up millionaires giving one another brain damage on a giant flatscreen TV with a picture so real it feels like Ben Roethlisberger is in your living room, grabbing your sister? It's no surprise that some one hundred million Americans will watch the Super Bowl--that's forty million more than go to church on Christmas--suck on that, Jesus! It's also eighty-five million more than watched the last game of the World Series, and in that is an economic lesson for America. Because football is built on an economic model of fairness and opportunity, and baseball is built on a model where the rich almost always win and the poor usually have no chance. The World Series is like . You have to be a rich bitch just to play. The Super Bowl is like Tila Tequila. Anyone can get in. Or to put it another way, football is more like the Democratic philosophy. Democrats don't want to eliminate capitalism or competition, but they'd like it if some kids didn't have to go to a crummy school in a rotten neighborhood while others get to go to a great school and their dad gets them into Harvard. Because when that happens, "achieving the American dream" is easy for some and just a fantasy for others. That's why the NFL literally shares the wealth--TV is their biggest source of revenue, and they put all of it in a big commie pot and split it thirty-two ways. Because they don't want anyone to fall too far behind. That's why the team that wins the Super Bowl picks last in the next draft. Or what the Republicans would call "punishing success." Baseball, on the other hand, is exactly like the Republicans, and I don't just mean it's incredibly boring. I mean their economic theory is every man for himself. The small-market Pittsburgh Steelers go to the Super Bowl more than anybody--but the Pittsburgh Pirates? Levi Johnston has sperm that will not grow and live long enough to see the Pirates in a World Series. Their payroll is $40 million; the Yankees' is $206 million. The Pirates have about as much chance as getting in the playoffs as a poor black teenager from Newark has of becoming the CEO of Halliburton. So you kind of have to laugh--the same angry white males who hate Obama because he's "redistributing wealth" just love football, a sport that succeeds economically because it does just that. To them, the NFL is as American as hot dogs, Chevrolet, apple pie, and a second, giant helping of apple pie." humor politics sports Bill Maher
6aefe83 Well, Hell was worse, of course, by definition. But Crowley remembered what Heaven was like, and it had quite a few things in common with Hell. You couldn't get a decent drink in either of them, for a start. And the boredom you got in Heaven was almost as bad as the excitement you got in Hell. hell humor Terry Pratchett Neil Gaiman
74ccbb7 "We... Charlotta the Fourth and I... live in defiance of every known law of diet." ~ Miss Lavendar, chap 27" humor l-m-montgomery L.M. Montgomery
de48afe I'm asked a lot what the best thing about cooking for a living is. And it's this: to be a part of a subculture. To be part of a historical continuum, a secret society with its own language and customs. To enjoy the instant gratification of making something good with one's hands--using all one's senses. It can be, at times, the purest and most unselfish way of giving pleasure (thought oral sex has to be a close second). humor subculture Anthony Bourdain
5e545ce I embarked on a campaign of honey and kindness, which, if you've never tried it, is very hard to do with someone who thinks you are chickenhearted and has in the past called you a poxy sluggard. It is especially hard if every day you are plagued with fear about what might happen next. humor laurie-halse-anderson name-calling Laurie Halse Anderson
f5e9b53 They mean hot like 'I'm too good for you I got my own money don't be frontin' me.' You're more like 'Be my boyfriend I'll make you cookies come meet my dad ' know what I mean girls humor Laurie Halse Anderson
08f015d " "Of cats' first disobedience, and the height Of that forbidden tree whose doom'd ascent Brought man into the world to help us down And made us subject to his moods and whims, For though we may have knock'd an apple loose As we were carried safely to the ground, We never said to eat th'accursed thing, But yet with him were exiled from our place With loss of hosts of sweet celestial mice And toothsome baby birds of paradise, And so were sent to stray across the earth And suffer dogs, until some greater Cat Restore us, and regain the blissful yard, Sing, heavenly Mews, that on the ancient banks Of Egypt's sacred river didst inspire That pharaoh who first taught the sons of men To worship members of our feline breed: Instruct me in th'unfolding of my tale; Make fast my grasp upon my theme's dark threads That undistracted save by naps and snacks I may o'ercome our native reticence And justify the ways of cats to men." humor milton paradise-lost Henry N. Beard
82ef917 The silly sentimentalists of the French Revolution talked of the Rights of Man! We hate Rights as we hate Wrongs. We have abolished Right and Wrong. And Right and Left, said Syme with a simple eagerness, I hope you will abolish them too. They are much more troublesome to me. humor G.K. Chesterton
109e9fa "Why don't you purchase an Italian dictionary? I will assume the expense." "I have one," she said, "but I don't think it's very good. Half the words are missing." "Half?" "Well, some," she amended. "But truly, that's not the problem." He blinked, waiting for her to continue. She did. Of course. "I don't think Italian is the author's native tongue," she said. "The author of the dictionary?" he queried. "Yes. It's not terribly idiomatic." dictionary humor italian Julia Quinn
78f2b67 We should all just face reality and stop taking our meals together. humor Jonathan Tropper
7b4b3f0 "Now, paper and pencils," said Miss Marcy, clapping her hands. Writing paper is scarce in this house, and I had no intention of tearing sheets out of this exercise book, which is a superb sixpenny one the Vicar gave me. In the end, Miss Marcy took the middle pages out of her library record, which gave us a pleasant feeling that we were stealing from the government, and then we sat round the table and elected her chairman." humor Dodie Smith
9f41ea4 It was mild monsters like these that made Jack the Ripper go after young women, she decided: who could tolerate yielding the world to someone who behaved as if she had given birth to the very world herself? center-of-the-universe children humor jack-the-ripper the-world Gregory Maguire
cf40182 "Silk laughed. "You really should try not to let your knife do all your thinking for you. That's the one quality we find least attractive in our Cherek cousins." "And we find this compulsion to make clever remarks which seems to overwhelm our Drasnian brothers now and then almost equally unattractive," Barak told him coolly." humor problem-solving David Eddings
0a7c027 "You want me to go back into that house protected by a magic sticky note?" "Don't even start," I told him. "It's working. If it weren't working, you couldn't drag me into that place." "What did you write on here? 'Don't die'?" "No, I wrote, 'Don't be an a-hole!'" I headed for the house. "On yours or mine?" humor jim magic Ilona Andrews
eaf8225 When, for instance, a highly esteemed professor in his seventies abandons his family and runs off with a young red-headed actress, we know that the gods have claimed another victim. gods humor jung C.G. Jung
71f5b01 Does FBI mean Federal Bureau of Idiots? humor second-chance the-missing-series Margaret Peterson Haddix
dbab0bc Poppy: What makes you think I'm having dinner with you? Jake: Because you can't sit in your room and eat ice cream and chips two nights in a row. You'll get scurvy. You need vitamin C. humor romance Sarah Mayberry
aeb84ed "Seja como for, as pessoas dedicadas a religiao nao querem reconhecer a realidade que contradiz o seu conto de fadas. Se realmente vivermos num universo sem Deus, elas perdem o emprego. O fluxo de dinheiro estagna. Por outro lado, ha pessoas que escolhem viver a sua vida de uma forma completamente egocentrica e homicida. Essas sentem que, se nada importa e elas podem fazer o que querem sem sofrer consequeencias, vao faze-lo. Mas tambem podemos ver as coisas de outra maneira: estamos nos e os outros todos, vivos e num barco salva-vidas, e temos de fazer as coisas da maneira mais decente possivel para nos e para eles. A mim parece-me que esta seria uma forma de viver muito mais morale "crista": reconhecermos a terrivel verdade da existencia humana e, perante isso, ainda escolhermos ser humanos decentes em vez de nos iludirmos sobre a existencia de uma qualquer recompensa paradisiaca ou um qualquer castigo infernal. Parecia-me uma atitude muito mais nobre. Se ha recompensa, castigo ou qualquer tipo de pagamento e agimos bem, entao nao estamos a fazer por razoes muito nobres - os chamados principios cristaos. E como os bombistas suicidas que agem alegadamente de acordo com principios religiosos ou nacionais bastante nobres quando, na verdade, as suas familias recebem uma recompensa em dinheiro e congratulam-se com um legado heroico - ja para nao falar da promessa de virgens para os perpetradores, embora me passe completamente ao lado como e que alguem prefere um grupo de virgens a uma mulher altamente experiente." humor inspirational meaning-of-life Woody Allen
c4520f5 "Thought of blowing your brains out?" William blinked, startled. "No." "That's good. Anything else is bound to be an improvement, isn't it?" humor william-ransome Diana Gabaldon
b33bda8 Dieting was cruel; it was an abuse of human rights. Yes, that's what it was, and she should not allow herself to be manipulated in this way. She stopped herself. Thinking like that was nothing more than coming up with excuses for breaking the diet. Mma Ramotswe was made of sterner stuff than that, and so she persisted. human-rights humor persisting Alexander McCall Smith
fccece8 "Remember the Hottentots?" asked James. "They've become the Khoi now, which means that the Germans will have to retire that wonderful word of theirs, Hottentotenpotentatenstantenattentater, which means, as you know, one who attacks the aunt of a Hottentot potentate." -- humor Alexander McCall Smith
4b144c6 Though firm, we are never too firm, though we love fun, we never have fun in a silly way that makes us appear ridiculous, unless that is our intent. humor satire George Saunders
d3196a1 "You were torturing a cat," she says. "With a freaking prod." "A prod I built myself in metal shop," he says. "But of course you never mention that." animal-cruelty humor George Saunders
84adb85 There is a species of primate in South America more gregarious than most other mammals, with a curious behavior.The members of this species often gather in groups, large and small, and in the course of their mutual chattering , under a wide variety of circumstances, they are induced to engage in bouts of involuntary, convulsive respiration, a sort of loud, helpless, mutually reinforcing group panting that sometimes is so severe as to incapacitate them. Far from being aversive,however, these attacks seem to be sought out by most members of the species, some of whom even appear to be addicted to them. ...the species in Homo sapiens (which does indeed inhabit South America, among other places), and the behavior is laughter. humor laughter phenomenology popular-psychology popular-science Daniel C. Dennett
e9b3bdf A couple of years ago my sister Judy and I were each given a box of truffles. The tiny print said two pieces contained 310 calories and there were six pieces in each box. We were sitting on the bus headed downtown, quietly doing our calculations: Judy was dividing by two and I was multiplying by three. When she realized what I was doing, a look came over her face that is hard to describe. 'I lost all hope for you' she says now. humor moderation Abigail Thomas
d65f368 Harrier twisted himself sideways on his saddle to stare at him [Tiercel]. 'You had a vision,' he said flaty. Yes. No. I don't know. I...Yes. No. humor tiercel Mercedes Lackey
d3bc233 Arya did not dare [take a bath], even though she smelled as bad as Yoren by now, all sour and stinky. Some of the creatures living in her clothes had come all the way from Flea Bottom with her; it didn't seem right to drown them. a-song-of-ice-and-fire arya cute humor George R.R. Martin
efa564b I am too old a soldier to believe that. Hoster will be chiding me about the Redwyne girl even as we light his funeral pyre, damn his bones. humor George R.R. Martin
434c633 In seeking to severely penalize criminals society by putting the criminals away behind safe walls actually provide them with the means of greater strength for future atrocities glorious and otherwise. humor prison prison-reform Jack Kerouac
feb9adf Sex, a switchblade, and motorcycle lessons. You really are making sure my night ends on a high note. humor Kelley Armstrong
13ba871 "That's trouble. The pixies will sour your milk." "I thought it was hobgoblins who soured milk." "A dirty lie. Spread by the pixies, no doubt." humor olivia patrick pixies Kelley Armstrong
baaa41a She's on the stairs, ma'am, getting her breath,' said the young servant, who had not been long up from the country, where my mother had the excellent habit of getting all her servants. Often she had seen them born. That's the only way to get really good ones. And they're the rarest of luxuries. class elitism humor servants society Marcel Proust
0d4156f Pelos ossos de Deus, Tom, o diabo fez um servico ruim quando trepou com sua mae. humor Bernard Cornwell
c7c7468 Okay, then, what was he like? Just give me something to go on so that I have a shot at him!' 'A shot at him? Are you on an elk hunt? humor relationships teenagers Sara Zarr
6b9b088 "The young man is currently standing in the hallway, dripping on the handmade silk rug that the Emperor of the Indies presented to His Majesty's grandmother. He is insisting on speaking with His Majesty." "It's a very ugly rug," Mendanbar said. "That's why we put it in the entry hall." -- humor king mendanbar rug Patricia C. Wrede
607f389 "Craig: 'When I used to drink, I binge drank...and I'm kind of like that with Doctor Who. I save up a lot of it on the DVR and then like I get my big scarf on and my hat and I stay at home and just watch them.' humor Craig Ferguson
278d160 Being a geological formation gives you a lot of time to think. Also, I subscribed to a number of learned journals. fantasy humor Neil Gaiman
5a0be44 "Is your dog in a coma?" Quinn asked when the dog didn't move a muscle. "No. Lump leads an active and demanding internal life that requires long periods of rest." humor Nora Roberts
2b2082b If I can't suck your milkshake through a straw, it's not a milkshake--it's a glass of ice cream. humor ice-cream milkshake milkshakes Bill Maher
106382d New Rule: Someone must x-ray my stomach to see if the Peeps I ate on Easter are still in there, intact and completely undigested. And I'm not talking about this past Easter. I'm talking about the last time I celebrated Easter, in 1962. easter humor peeps Bill Maher
ec51145 Stop saying drug use makes people lazy. Jimi Hendrix did a lot of drugs, even though he's been dead for forty years, he's making new records. Suck on , Partnership for a Drug-Free America! humor jimi-hendrix laziness music productivity Bill Maher
563439e New Rule: If we want to find a place to cut government waste, we must start with the DEA rubber duck. Yes, on the DEA's website you can buy a rubber ducky with a DEA badge and a cop's hat. Which I recommend doing, because they're a great place to hide your weed. drugs humor politics Bill Maher
4d7f0c1 "New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. "At Exxon Mobil, we care about a thriving wildlife." Please--the only thing an oil executive has in common with a seagull is they'd both steal french fries from a baby." humor oil-industry Bill Maher
d6e15d3 "Mr. Edwards admired the well-built, pleasant house and heartily enjoyed the good dinner. But he said he was going on West with the train when it pulled out. Pa could not persuade him to stay longer. "I'm aiming to go far West in the spring," he said. "This here, country, it's too settled up for me. The politicians are a-swarming in already, and ma'am if'n there's any worse pest than grasshoppers it surely is politicians. Why, they'll tax the lining out'n a man's pockets to keep up these here county-seat towns..." "Feller come along and taxed me last summer. Told me I got to put in every last thing I had. So I put in Tom and Jerry, my horses, at fifty dollars apiece, and my oxen yoke, Buck and Bright, I put in at fifty, and my cow at thirty five. 'Is that all you got?' he says. Well I told him I'd put in five children I reckoned was worth a dollar apiece. 'Is that all?' he says. 'How about your wife?' he says. 'By Mighty!' I says to him. 'She says I don't own her and I don't aim to pay no taxes on her,' I says. And I didn't." humor pioneer-days politicians taxes Laura Ingalls Wilder
183d9c3 "Incidentally, am I alone in finding the expression "it turns out" to be incredibly useful? It allows you to make swift, succinct, and authoritative connections between otherwise randomly unconnected statements without the trouble of explaining what your source or authority actually is. It's great. It's hugely better than its predecessors "I read somewhere that..." or the craven "they say that..." because it suggests not only that whatever flimsy bit of urban mythology you are passing on is actually based on brand new, ground breaking research, but that it is research in which you yourself were intimately involved. But again, with no actual authority anywhere in sight. Anyway, where was I?" humor Douglas Adams
7895184 If you can try to nap where someone's sitting, Although there is another empty chair, Then rub against his ankle without quitting Until he rises from your favorite lair; If you can whine and whimper by a portal Until the bolted door is opened wide, Then howl as if you've got a wound that's mortal Until he comes and lets you back inside; If you can give a guest a nasty spiking, But purr when you are petted by a thief; If you can find the food not to your liking Because they put some cheese in with the beef; If you can leave no proffered hand unbitten, And pay no heed to any rule or ban, then all will say you are a Cat, my kitten. And -- which is more -- you'll make a fool of Man! humor rudyard-kipling Henry N. Beard
df15971 --?Acabas de... lavar un plato? --Dee retrocedio lentamente, parpadeando. Miro a Daemon--. El mundo se va a terminar. Y sigo siendo vir... --!No! --gritaron los hermanos al unisono. Daemon parecia que en realidad iba a vomitar. --Jesus, nunca termines esa oracion. En realidad, nunca cambies eso. Gracias. La boca de ella se abrio. --Ustedes esperan de mi que nunca tenga... --Esta no es una conversacion con la que quiera empezar mi dia. -- Dawson agarro su mochila de la mesa de la cocina--. Estoy yendome a la escuela antes de que esto se vuelva todavia mas detallado. humor spanish virgen Jennifer L. Armentrout
057733d Imagine trying to live in a world dominated by dihydrogen oxide, a compound that has no taste or smell and is so variable in its properties that it is generally benign but at other times swiftly lethal. Depending on its state, it can scald you or freeze you. In the presence of certain organic molecules it can form carbonic acids so nasty that they can strip the leaves from trees and eat the faces off statuary. In bulk, when agitated, it can strike with a fury that no human edifice could withstand. Even for those who have learned to live with it, it is an often murderous substance. We call it water. humor water Bill Bryson
1ebbfbd Disco's are tricky. You look a total wally if you dance too early but after one crucial song tips the disco over, you look a sad saddo if you don't. disco humor music David Mitchell
16cb225 "Snarling an oath from an Icelandic saga, I reclaimed my place at the head of the queue. "Oy!" yelled a punk rocker, with studs in his cranium. "There's a fackin' queue!" Never apologize, advises Lloyd George. Say it again, only this time, ruder. "I know there's a 'fackin' queue'! I already queued in it once and I am going to queue in it again just because Nina Simone over there won't sell me a ruddy ticket!" A colored yeti in a clip-on uniform swooped. "Wassa bovver?" "This old man here reckons his colostomy bag entitles him to jump the queue," said the skinhead, " make racist slurs about the lady of Afro-Caribbean extraction in the advance-travel window." I couldn't believe I was hearing this." humor london punk racism skinhead David Mitchell
fabffbd Lovely Arra Sails, nectar to all males, how I'd like to spear you like a whaler spears a whale! darren-shan humor innuendo larten-crepsley mr-crepsley sexual-innuendo vampire Darren Shan
2100dd8 There was no one to really argue with, but Mama managed it expertly every chance she had. She could argue with the entire world in that kitchen and almost every evening, she did. humor Markus Zusak
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