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a1ed069 "Not that I'm complaining. It was better than my old dream, where Harma Dogshead was feeding me to her pigs." "Harma's dead." Jon said. "But not the pigs. They look at me the way Slayer used to look at ham. Not to say that the wildlings mean us harm. Aye, we hacked their gods apart and made them burn the pieces, but we gave them onion soup. What's a god compared to a nice bowl of onion soup? I could do with mine myself." humor wildlings gods George R.R. Martin
5f7883b He was a man who was charged with the work he did in life because he was not one to ask questions - not so much on account of any natural quality of discretion as because he simply could never think of any questions to ask. ... On the strength of which he had guaranteed himself regular employment for as long as he cared to live. humor Douglas Adams
ee86298 The thing about Botox is that when you've had too much, you then have to fake reactions just to look human--and it's impossible to distinguish real fake reactions from fake fake reactions. humor John Sandford
502508a "You have to unhook your seat belt." "That's not true." "I'm afraid it's difficult to walk on the beach if you're strapped to a car seat." humor Nora Roberts
a1d776e Inside the mirrored elevator, Mulch used a telescopic pointer to push P for the penthouse. For the first few months he had jumped to reach the button, but that was undignified behavior for a millionaire. And besides, he was certain that Art could hear the thumping from the security desk. humor humor-inspirational Eoin Colfer
0c14ef9 "Oh, I didn't think it wise to hide it. Might not be able to find it again," I say, cheerily. "It's sitting in plain view on your chair in the great hall. I do hope that was the best place for it." revenge humor gemma-doyle libba-bray Libba Bray
c6ec285 I'm going to eviscerate you and leave your organs on a pike in the yard as a warning to those who wear large jewelry. humor felicity-worthington gemma-doyle libba-bray Libba Bray
2669772 Didn't you have any sadistic nannies who told you these tales to keep you quiet and well behaved at night? Heavens, what's to become of the Empire if governesses have lost their touch for scaring the wits out of their girls? humor bedtime-stories governesses miss-moore libba-bray Libba Bray
7f86e1c Don't you make fun of me or my children! Some babies are premature. Mine were all postmature. That's why they're so smart. Their brains had longer to develop. humor Jeannette Walls
ea67890 Well aware that to bring the voice of sober reason to bear upon the exaggerations of agitated females was both fruitless and perilous, Freddy wisely let this pass... humor exaggerations freddy-standen Georgette Heyer
aa9f988 Many collectors died in process of searching for new species, and despite persistent reports that the men died from drowning, gunshot and knife wounds, snakebite, trampling by cattle, or blows in the head with blunt instruments, it is generally accepted that in each case the primary cause of death was orchid fever. humor orchids history-of-mankind Eric Hansen
265ab1c If you turn into a hideous monster and I am sent to slay you, I will remember this and make it as painless as I can, out of respect for you. funny humor sanya the-dresden-files lol Jim Butcher
233e3b3 "You wired the kid," Truemann said meekly to no one in particular. "Why not? No crime. You're the FBI, remember. You boys run more wire than AT&T."[Reggie Love]" humor John Grisham
f4e6990 I'm a disciple of the Tao of Peter Parker, obviously, humor marvel Jim Butcher
120dd15 I might be 30 years old, but a girl never outgrows the need for her mother. inspiration humor truth Debbie Macomber
0c14b43 "Regweld is really a fine wizard," he continued, patting the shoulder again. "And his ideas for crossbreeding a horse and a frog are not without merit; never mind the explosion! Alchemy shops can be replaced!" fantasy humor icewind-dale r-a-salvatore frog horse wizards R.A. Salvatore
7a84b28 Don't be afraid, be terrified humor Christopher Pike
f3a4845 Now I understand why King Stannis let the wildlings through the Wall. He means for us to eat them. humor stannis-baratheon wildlings wall George R.R. Martin
b590ff6 She looks like a very young old person, or a very old young person; but then, she's looked that way ever since she was two. humor Margaret Atwood
76c83ae "It's a bit burned," my mother would say apologetically at every meal, presenting you with a piece of meat that looked like something -- a much-loved pet perhaps -- salvaged from a tragic house fire. "But I think I scraped off most of the burned part," she would add, overlooking that this included every bit of it that had once been flesh. Happily, all this suited my father. His palate only responded to two tastes - burned and ice cream -- so everything suited him so long as it was sufficiently dark and not too startlingly flavorful. Theirs truly was a marriage made in heaven, for no one could burn food like my mother or eat it like my dad." humor parents Bill Bryson
50e9913 "There're three ways to get there from here, each one worse than the last. You can either hold your breath through the plague colonies, slip through Slaverville, or take the mountain route." Something flashed in his expression, something somber, which seemed out of place on his animated face. "That's where the cannibals really like to hole up." "You've seen them?" I asked. "Oh, yeah. And it's, like, totally worse than you can imagine. Their steady diet of grilled Homo sapiens really screws with their heads. And the miner cannibals in North Carolina? They're the worst! Dude. They don't even grill." humor Kresley Cole
65781b6 "He's attracted to the smell of manure," Felicity says. "You might wallow in the stables to bring out the full flower of his love." humor rebel-angels libba-bray Libba Bray
a765f02 You surprise me, Hastings. Do you not know that all celebrated detectives have brothers who would be even more celebrated than they are were it not for constitutional indolence? humor Agatha Christie
a038c3f Watch out for a man whose enemies keep disappearing. humor watch enemies C.J. Cherryh
5dc16b3 "[...] I have a date this afternoon." "Oh, Lord." Jake closed his eyes. "Who are you going to destroy now?" "I beg your pardon?" "The hotel would appreciate it if you'd just throw back the men you don't like without maiming them." "I haven't maimed anyone." "You almost drowned Lance, you scared Peter into heart palpitations, you stabbed Donald with a fork, and you hit Brad over the head with a bottle." Jake shook his head. "And they still ask you out." -- humor men-and-women Jennifer Crusie
c8dd12c I'm not the one going for a biology degree. I'm just a philosophy major who eats people. funny humor parasites zombies vampires Scott Westerfeld
b590704 Sylvie had an amazing life, but she didn't get to live it very often. humor Roderick Townley
a51fd8e In a well-organized world he might have landed on a fire escape, but the fire escapes were unknown in Ankh-Morpork and the flames generally had to leave via the roof. humor Terry Pratchett
69f44e9 There are few things less comforting than a tiger who's been up too late. humor comic Bill Watterson
d7164f1 "The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, "I want to love, I want to live..." funny humor joke David Sedaris
f6b6335 "The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin "Tubby" Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role of Santa with a beguiling authenticity. The false beard tended to muffle his speech, but they could hear his chafing thighs all the way to the North Pole." humor santa christmas David Sedaris
1d380b5 Life could be horrible in the wrong trouser of time. time humor parallel-universe Terry Pratchett
fc3043b She did not especially appreciate children either, but could be kind to them when they were silent. humor Gordon Dahlquist
ffc4f65 "He was trying to conjure up a succubus." It should be impossible to leer when all you've got is a beak, but the parrot managed it. "That's a female demon what comes in the night and makes mad passionate wossn-" "I've heard of them," said Rincewind. "Bloody dangerous things." The parrot put its head on one side. "It never worked. All he ever got was a neuralger." humor discworld Terry Pratchett
eb1bacd "Oh, I know. They're dwarfs pretending to be elves. No, they're not dwarfs either. Okay, okay, they're "little people," I'm sorry! Can't believe I have to be politically correct when you're the only one who can hear me." humor oberon dog Kevin Hearne
d36ece5 Don't believe those lies about intellectual people. They're only written to soothe the majority. humor intellectualism E. M. Forster
9587212 "We want to fight." "And I want J.K. Rowling to keep writing in the Potterverse, but I know that's never going to happen," I said blithely." fiction fantasy humor fallen-legion laura-kreitzer potterverse timeless-series j-k-rowling paranormal Laura Kreitzer
21db72b He says I'm beautiful as a red tomato humor Jeanne DuPrau
a0f536c "Seven smirked as he walked back over to me. "I gave you catharsis last night. Twice." funny humor catharsis T.J. Klune
fb58198 We (people) only remembered that elves sang. But we forgot what they sang about. terry-pratchett humor lords-and-ladies parody Terry Pratchett
07d1acc I spent six hours becoming one with a shrubbery last night. There were three cloudbursts and a rain of small and very confused frogs humor Charles Stross
f4ee546 If I could just get Broom to cooperate, we could fly, Glo said. Then we wouldn't have to worry about traffic. Harry Potter didn't have to worry about traffic. You relize Harry Potter isn't real, right? Of course, but he could be. I mean, maybe not Harry Potter, but someone like him. Who's to say? harry-potter humor Janet Evanovich
02a4a12 "You sure you don't want to go?" Grandma Mazur asked my mother. "I didn't know Moogey Bues," my mother told her. "I've got better things to do than to go to a viewing of a perfect stranger." "I wouldn't go either," Grandma Mazur said, "but I'm helping Stephanie with this here manhunt. Maybe Kenny Mancuso will show up, and Stephanie will need some extra muscle. I was watching Television, and I saw how you stick your fingers in a person's eyes to slow them down." "She's your responsibility," my mother said to me. "She sticks her fingers in anybody's eyes I'm holding you accountable." humor grandma-mazur sticking-fingers-in-eyes stephanie-s-mom stephanie-plum Janet Evanovich
05edcba "...I've spent the last fifteen years of my life railing against the game of soccer, an exercise that has been lauded as "the sport of the future" since 1977. Thankfully, that future dystopia has never come." future humor soccer sports Chuck Klosterman
53f971d "(LuAnn) Whatever. That'll teach me not to build my life around a man whose favorite book is . Listen, kid." She waggles her finger, as if scolding me. "Nothing good comes from Ayn RAnd. Trust me on this." humor Abby McDonald
afac25c In another telling anomaly of the meat-grinding business, many of the larger slaughterhouses will sell their product only to grinders who agree to not test their product for E. coli contamination--until after it's run through a grinder with a whole bunch of other meat from other sources...It's like demanding of a date that she have unprotected sex with four or five other guys immediately before sleeping with you--just so she can't point the finger directly at you should she later test positive for clap. humor food-regulation Anthony Bourdain
394138f You mustn't stand about. Come home with me to dinner.' 'No.' More shakes his head. 'I would rather be blown around on the river and go home hungry. If I could trust you only to put food in my mouth - but you will put words into it. humor Hilary Mantel
929d5a9 "Can't we do anything about it?" - "No!" - "Then I can't see the sense in panicking", said Twoflower calmly" humor ricewind pratchett twoflower Terry Pratchett
9111a40 Turning to Turnip, Miss Dempsey said, 'Do you think?'. 'As little as I can,' Turnip replied honestly. humor funny-quotes Lauren Willig
58e0a9c [L]ife is a phenomenon in need of criticism, for we are, as fallen creatures, in permanent danger of worshipping false gods, of failing to understand ourselves and misinterpreting the behaviour of others, of growing unproductively anxious or desirous, and of losing ourselves to vanity and error. Surreptitiously and beguilingly, then, with humour or gravity, works of art--novels, poems, plays, paintings or films--can function as vehicles to explain our condition to us. They may act as guides to a truer, more judicious, more intelligent understanding of the world. understanding criticism poems humor life paintings self-understanding plays films gravity art novels vanity desire Alain de Botton
2851687 We're going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. humor Richard Dawkins
a9739cf "Let us roam then, you and I, When the evening is splayed out across the sky [...] Paths that follow like a nagging accusation Of a minor violation To lead you to the ultimate reproof ... Oh, do not say, 'Bad kitty!' Let us go and prowl the city. In the rooms the cats run to and fro Auditioning for a Broadway show." (From )" -- humor prufrock t-s-eliot Henry N. Beard
0b099b6 "Did you ever see so many pee-wee hats, Carl?" "They're beanies." "They call them pee-wees in Brooklyn." "But I'm not in Brooklyn." "But you're still a Brooklynite." "I wouldn't want that to get around, Annie." "You don't mean that, Carl." "Ah, we might as well call them beanies, Annie." "Why?" "When in Rome do as the Romans do." "Do they call them beanies in Rome?" she asked artlessly. "This is the silliest conversation..." marriage humor joy-in-the-morning betty-smith Betty Smith
558315b Daft Wullie had raised a finger. 'Point o' order, Rob,' he said, 'but it was a wee bittie hurtful there for you to say I dinna hae the brains of a beetle...' Rob hesitated, but only for a moment. 'Aye, Daft Wullie, ye are right in whut ye say. It was unricht o' me to say that. It was the heat o' the moment, an' I am full sorry for it. As I stand here before ye now, I will say: Daft Wullie, ye DO hae the brains o' a beetle, an' I'll fight any scunner who says different! humor Terry Pratchett
371c1c4 "I pick up the list of Benji's five favorite books because we've got work to do: "Gravity's Rainbow" by Thomas Pynchon. He's a pretentious fuck and a liar. "Underworld" by Don DeLillo. He's a snob. "On the Road" by Jack Kerouac. He's a spoiled passport-carrying fuck stunted in eighth grade. "Brief Interviews with Hideous Men" by David Foster Wallace. Enough already. "The Red Badge of Courage" by Stephen Crane. He's got Mayflowers in his blood." -- humor favorite-books pretension pretentiousness thomas-pynchon stephen-crane don-delillo jack-kerouac Caroline Kepnes
3279394 Gossiping's part of witchcraft,' said Tiffany. 'They're checking to see if they've gone batty yet. sanity women witches humor Terry Pratchett
1ff716e The truly smart, having discovered they are cleverer than the people around them, soon learn that the smartest thing of all for them to do is to prevent said people from ever finding this out. humor pratchett Terry Pratchett
4ca14af Captain Vimes believed in logic, in much the same way as a man in a desert believed in ice -- i.e., it was something he really needed, but this just wasn't the world for it. humor logic Terry Pratchett
549cf00 Destiny was funny stuff, he knew. You couldn't trust it. Often you couldn't even see it. Just when you knew you had it cornered, it turned out to be something else--coincidence, maybe, or providence. You barred the door against it, and it was standing behind you. Then just when you thought you had it nailed down it walked away with the hammer. humor life Terry Pratchett
5fbefdd Beans are a warm cloak against economic cold. humor John Steinbeck
d44107d You remind me of an old cat I once had. Whenever he killed a mouse he would bring it into the drawing-room and lay it affectionately at my feet. I would reject the corpse with horror and turn him out, but back he would come with his loathsome gift. I simply couldn't make him understand that he was not doing me a kindness. He thought highly of his mouse and it was beyond him to realize that I did not want it. You are just the same with your chivalry. It's very kind of you to keep offering me your dead mouse; but honestly I have no use for it. I won't take favors just because I happen to be a female. humour humor suffragette P.G. Wodehouse
8989ea5 The race will find that capitalists and communists modify themselves so much during the ages that they end by being indistinguishable as democrats... politics humor democrats communism T.H. White
285bbbe "Why do airline pilots always call passengers "folks"? I don't usually take umbrage at generic terminology--I'm one of those forward-thinkers who believes that "man" encompasses the whole darned race -- but at whatever 0'clock in the mornning. I thought it would be nice to be called sometihng that suggested unwashed masses a little less." humor urban-shaman C.E. Murphy
3d3bfdb Yesterday Allison bought me nail polish in the annoying shade of mauve. How can anyone look at me and think mauve? identity humor mauve nail-polish makeup Katie McGarry
23437bf " "A mousie squealing in a trap Woke me from my morning nap. Wasn't he so very sweet To tell me it was time to eat?" (From )" humor robert-louis-stevenson Henry N. Beard
b2d8c0d They say every dog has its day, Ganapathi, but for this terrier twilight came before tea-time. humor mahabharata indian Shashi Tharoor
f267ef3 Have you ever thought about a Twelve Step program for people who talk too much? You could call it On and On Anon. funny humor Mary Doria Russell
34da77e I thought I was going to die right there on the spot. I've never heard anything so terrible in my whole life. I hope she is wrong and I never get a period. I am eleven years old and entirely too young to hear about it. Can you imagine my mother not knowing what Kotex are for and dusting the house with them? Well, her mother can just tell her what they are for. I'm not getting into the facts of life. I haven't heard one fact of life I like yet. humor Fannie Flagg
dbf7a2e Everybody looked at Sully suspiciously. A rumor that he had burned up in the blaze had been circulating, and people had quickly adjusted to the idea of profound human tragedy. They were reluctant to give it up, Sully could tell. He smiled apologetically at the crowd. humor Richard Russo
d531df8 Nowadays the standards had plummeted so far that I failed even at being a failure. I silently packed up. Nothing else was left. They had even robbed me of self-pity humor young-people pathos standards Arthur Nersesian
6e8a22b The tune was wailing and mournful, almost flagrantly so, and the total effect was of a heartbroken piccolo being parted forever from its bagpipe lover. music humor Peter S. Beagle
d53935f "That night we made love "the real way" which we had not yet attempted although married six months. Big mystery. No one knew where to put their leg and to this day I'm not sure we got it right. He seemed happy. You're like Venice he said beautifully. Early next day I wrote a short talk ("On Defloration") which he stole and had published in a small quarterly magazine. Overall this was a characteristic interaction between us. poetry humor husband Anne Carson
1946006 BE CAREFUL, OR BE ROADKILL! humor safety Bill Watterson
0cdf948 I handed my tools. The two of them reached down to help me out of the crater I'd dug. ''Isn't that a little deep?'' Yoda asked. ''It'll help the roots get established,'' I explained. ''Established where? China? humor digging garden Laurie Halse Anderson
8b0ab74 "Hart pointed at the carriage. "Get in." Eleanor started, and the cake vendor, who'd been watching with evident enjoyment, looked worried. "No need," Eleanor said to Hart. "I'll find a hansom. I've brought Maigdlin an I have so many parcels." "Get into the carriage, El, or I'll strap you to the top of it." Eleanor rolled her eyes and took another bite of seedcake." humor highland-pleasures-series Jennifer Ashley
a3df49d They told me that nothing was a sin, just a poor life choice. Poor impulse control. That nothing is evil. Any concept of right versus wrong, according to them, is merely a cultural construct relative to one specific time and place. They said that if anything should force us to modify our personal behavior it should be our allegiance to a social contract, not some vague, externally imposed threat of flaming punishment. true heaven fun funny motivational humor life inspirational hell chuck palahniuk
91c6295 "How she looks is watered-down. How she looks is disappearing. How she looks is erased. "Don't stress", she says. "This is just me not wearing any makeup." women humor life Chuck Palahniuk
ade4d05 "I'm a survivor, " I said. But I didn't think that claim would carry much weight in an obituary." irony humor epitaph Tobias Wolff
510ccfe You had to admire a guy who called his own new book a classic before it was published and anyone else had a chance to read it. humor William Goldman
646e429 "I pick up the list of Benji's five favorite books because we've got work to do: "Gravity's Rainbow" by Thomas Pynchon. He's a pretentious fuck and a liar. "Underworld" by Don DeLillo. He's a snob. "On the Road" by Jack Kerouac. He's a spoiled passport-carrying fuck stunted in eighth grade. "Brief Interviews with Hideous Men" by David Foster Wallace. Enough already. "The Red Badge of Courage" by Stephen Crane. He's got Mayflowers in his blood." humor favorite-books pretension pretentiousness thomas-pynchon stephen-crane don-delillo jack-kerouac Caroline Kepnes
6998125 ...he found that after prolonged contact with Claire and her opinions, he had much less trust in physicians that heretofore - and he hadn't had much to begin with. humor lord-john-grey claire-fraser Diana Gabaldon
2954199 I shall claim full amends for every fall and stubbed toe, if you do not lead us well. humor gimli J.R.R. Tolkien
6f194bf "She doesn't know," Cate said. "Kellen is a secret. I didn't think my mother would approve." "Why wouldn't your mother approve?" Pugg asked. "It's my job," Kellen said. "I kill people. It pays well, but it's not universally socially acceptable." humor Janet Evanovich
9fce404 "And we're not lost." We are so fucking lost. Literally adrift in the nothing space between universes." science humor Blake Crouch
ec5640b "Bad improvisers block action, often with a high degree of skill. Good improvisers develop action."(p.115)" science motivational humor inspirational improvisation nonfiction Malcolm Gladwell
9db9c73 I started to think of friends I could lean on for some help, but, as always happened when I attempted this kind of social audit, I realised that far too many of them were abroad, dead, married to people who disapproved of me, or weren't really my friends, now that I came to think of it. humor Hugh Laurie
b98ee3c "Cayman shrugged."It's a sign of the times, man. It'll probably be on some Alpha's Facebook wall within the hour." Alphas had Facebook accounts?" humor facebook Jennifer L. Armentrout
ae63232 "Kind of bloodthirsty, don't you think, Charles?" said John. "I'm an editor," said Charles. "I have to make decisions like that all the time." humor editor James A. Owen
d641fbd "My dad mumbled something unintelligible. "Woo!" Emmett suddenly boomed in his deep bass. "Go Gators!" Jacob and Charlie jumped. The rest of us froze. Charlie recovered, then looked at Emmett over his shoulder. "Florida winning?" "Just scored the first touchdown," Emmett confirmed. He shot a look in my direction, wagging his eyebrows like a villain in vaudeville. "'Bout time somebody scored around here." humor emmett charlie Stephenie Meyer
886793f . A silent, putrid committed by someone in this very room, and only one person knows whodunnit. humor dictionary swearing VIZ
ad8881b I'm sorry your evening has been spoilt; I hope Juffrouw van Doorn won't be too upset.' 'She will be livid,' he observed with calm. 'Drink your brandy, it will prevent you catching cold.' He leant over Bertie for a moment and listened to the dog's snores. 'He'll be all right now.' Becky sipped her brandy, wrinkling her nose. 'This tastes very peculiar.' Not a muscle of the Baron's face moved. He would hardly have described his best Napoleon brandy as peculiar. humor Betty Neels
a5f5cb8 "He is a man, I think," he said, "who cares for nothing but a joke. He is a dangerous man." Lambert laughed in the act of lifting some macaroni to his mouth. "Dangerous!" he said. "You don't know little Quin, sir!" "Every man is dangerous," said the old man, without moving, "Who cares only for one thing. I was once dangerous myself." humor potential G.K. Chesterton
545d004 "Two girls walk past in gargantuan heels and dresses so tight that their skin is spilling out, and one of them says to the other, "Wait, who the fuck is Lewis Carroll?" and in my imagination I pull a gun out of my pocket, shoot them both and then shoot myself." literature humor lewis-carroll Alice Oseman
fef14b3 "Yeah," Tamara said. "An old bowling alley. There must be a town not too far from here. But how could Aaron be there? And don't say something like 'working on his score' or 'maybe he's in a bowling league' or something like that. Be serious." Call leaned against the rough bark of a nearby tree and resisted the urge to sit down. He was afraid he wouldn't be able to get up again. "I'm serious. It might be hard to tell in the dark, but I have my most super-serious face on." humor sarcasm Cassandra Clare and Holly Black
8ac226c Buckets,' said Cimorene. 'Lots of buckets, and soap, and lemon juice. Where do you keep your buckets, Mendanbar?' 'Around somewhere,' Mendanbar said vaguely. humor mendanbar Patricia C. Wrede
86122dc "An eternity later, they reached what he thought might be the end, and King Henry waved his turkey leg in the air, loudly proclaiming, "This land shall be mine, henceforth and forevermore!" And indeed, it seemed that all was lost for the poor, sweet shepherdess and her strangely changeable flock. But just then, there was a mighty roar-- "Is there a lion?" Richard wondered. --and the unicorn burst onto the scene! "Die!" the unicorn shrieked. "Die! Die! Die!" Richard looked to Iris in confusion. The unicorn had not thus demonstrated an ability to speak. Henry's scream of terror was so chilling, the woman behind Richard murmured, "This is surprisingly well acted." Richard stole another look at Iris; her mouth was hanging open as Henry leapt over a cow and ran behind the piano, only to trip over the littlest sheep, who was still licking the piano leg. Henry scrambled for purchase, but the (possibly rabid) unicorn was too fast, and it ran headfirst (and head down) toward the frightened king, plunging its horn into his large, pillowed belly. Someone screamed, and Henry went down, feathers flying. "I don't think this was in the script," Iris said in a horrified whisper." humor julia-quinn Julia Quinn
e20a868 "She was in big trouble now. "You stupid man," she said to the body on the floor. "Why did you have to lunge at me like that? Why couldn't you have left well enough alone? I told your father I wasn't going to marry you. I told him I wouldn't marry you if you were the last idiot in Britain." She nearly stamped her foot in frustration. Why was it her words never came out quite the way she intended them to? "What I meant to say was that you are an idiot," she said to Percy, who, not surprisingly, didn't respond, "and that I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man in Britain, and- Oh, blast. What am I doing talking to you, anyway? You're quite dead." humor historical Julia Quinn
3afe648 "All I really need," he continued, "is for you to act as a deterrent." "A deterrent?" she choked out. "A human shield, if you will." "I cannot be left alone with that woman," he said, and he felt no remorse at the low desperation in his voice. "Please, if you have any care for your fellow man." Her lips clamped together in a suspicious line. "I'm not certain what I get out of the equation." "You mean besides the joy of my delightful company?" "Yes," she said, with an impressive lack of inflection, "besides that." humor Julia Quinn
2eafab6 "You'd never have gotten it right. You have to hit the door just so. It took me weeks to learn." "And what were you doing sneaking out at night?" he demanded. "I fail to see how that is your business." "You became my business when you took up residence in my house." "Well, I wouldn't have moved in if you hadn'tkidnapped me!" "I wouldn't have kidnapped you if you hadn't been wandering about the countryside with no thought to your own safety." "I was certainly safer in the countryside than I was at Prewitt Hall, and you well know it." "You wouldn't be safe in a convent," he muttered. "If you two lovebirds can stop snapping at each other," James cut in, "I'd like to search the study before Prewitt returns home." Blake glared at Caroline as if this entire delay were her fault, causing her to hiss, "Don't forget that if it weren't for me-" "If it weren't for you," he shot back, "I would be a very happy man indeed." "We are wasting time," James reminded them. "The both of you may remain here, if you cannot cease your squabbling, but I am going in to search the south drawing room." "I'll go first," Caroline announced, "since I know the way." "You'll go behind me," Blake contradicted, "and give me directions as we go along." "Oh, for the love of Saint Peter," James finally burst out, exasperation showing in every line of his body. "I'll go first, if only to shut the two of you up. Caroline, you follow and give me directions. Blake, you guard her from the rear." humor team-work Julia Quinn
939749c "What is the matter with you?" asked Shcherbatsky. "Nothing much, but there is little to be happy about in this world." "Little? You'd better come with me to Paris instead of going to some Mulhausen or other. You'll see how jolly it will be!" "No, I have done with that; it is time for me to die." "That is a fine thing!" said Shcherbatsky, laughing. "I am only just beginning to live." "Yes, I thought so too till lately; but now I know that I shall soon die." Levin was saying what of late he had really been thinking. He saw death and the apprroach of death in everything; but the work he had begun interested him all the more. After all, he had to live his life somehow, til death came. Everything for him was wrapped in darkness; but just because of the darkness, feeling his work to be the only thread to guide him through the darkness, he seized upon it and clung to it with all his might." -- death humor levin Leo Tolstoy
386205e "A ruler needs a good head and a true heart," she famously told the king. "A cock is not essential." humor female-rights ruling ruler fire-and-blood king George R.R. Martin
c571acf ABNER Marsh had a mind that was not unlike his body. It was big all around, ample in size and capacity, and he crammed all sorts of things into it. It was strong as well; when Abner Marsh took something in his hand it did not easily slip away, and when he took something in his head it was not easily forgotten. He was a powerful man with a powerful brain, but body and mind shared one other trait as well: they were deliberate. Some might even say slow. Marsh did not run, he did not dance, he did not scamper or slide along; he walked with a straightforward dignified gait that nonetheless got him where he wanted to go. So it was with his mind. Abner Marsh was not quick in word or thought, but he was far from stupid; he chewed over things thoroughly, but at his own pace. humor George R.R. Martin
f00042c All we can hope for is that he will fall into the ocean with a bar of soap in his pocket. kids humor washing pocket soap fall ocean Eoin Colfer
508b99c Meg and Belch only had eyes for each other. Not in the usual romantic sense. humor Eoin Colfer
8eb9762 His laugh and his voice were both pleasant. He talked the way New Yorkers used to talk before they learned to talk Flatbush. humor new-york-city Raymond Chandler
faa8024 So hey, once Joshua heals your brother, you want to go do something, get some pomegranate juice, a falafel,or get married or something? humor Christopher Moore
6a2d044 Richard Feynman was fond of giving the following advice on how to be a genius. You have to keep a dozen of your favorite problems constantly present in your mind, although by and large they will lay in a dormant state. Every time you hear or read a new trick or a new result, test it against each of your twelve problems to see whether it helps. Every once in a while there will be a hit, and people will say, 'How did he do it? He must be a genius! funny humor richard-p-feynman richard-phillips-feynman richard-feynman feynman read genius joke favorite Gian-Carlo Rota
06337cd Alright, go away. I have a tiny world to save. humor video-games Bryan Lee O'Malley
642c6ab But giving drugs to a cat is no joke, Kemp! humor cats H.G. Wells
a6fb146 What's amazing is that she was possessed by Satan for almost a year and nobody noticed anything unusual! humor possessed MaryJanice Davidson
36eeab7 "Felicity laughs and takes on the tone of a fashionable lady. "Darling, the Bryn-Joneses have just done the most marvelous thing in their parlor with human blood. We simply must have ours done straightaway!" humor felicity-worthington libba-bray Libba Bray
b63b03a "I understand we'll be attending your friend Miss Worthington's Christmas ball. Perhaps I'll find a suitable-- which is to say wealthy-- wife among the ladies attending." And perhaps they will run screaming for the convent." funny humor gemma doyle tom Libba Bray
4ab8943 "Maybe I just didn't want it to be Benny because he really loves her, and if I was wrong about that, it'd be depressing. Who wants to be depressed?" "Poets," Eve decided. "You have to think they must." "Okay, other than poets." poets friends humor love J.D. Robb
8a093e2 Conspiracies existed, to be sure; many of them, and many were dark indeed. But fiendish? Fiendishness required brains. Nine times out of ten, conspirators behaved like buffoons and wound up exposing themselves out of sheer, bumbling incompetence. politics humor Eric Flint
8a1e306 I thought instead of a good rule for survival on Wall Street: Never agree to anything proposed on someone else's boat or you'll regret in in the morning. humor wall-street Michael Lewis
f79ff29 "Alexis grabbed his arm. "Tom Jones? Wow, I totally love Tom Jones. He's like quintessential Vegas--over the top and indecent fun. Let me just go grab a pair of underwear to throw at him and we'll be all set." Over his undead body. If anyone was getting her underwear tossed in his face, it was going to be him. "I don't think so, Ball Buster. You're not giving your panties to an old man." "Oh, and you're so young, Garlic?" humor tom-jones pet-names underwear vegas nicknames insults Erin McCarthy
20550d9 I think it's 'only polite' that my wife should let me know when she's entertaining a male visitor, furthermore one that has shared her bed. humor upset eric-northman sookie-stackhouse Charlaine Harris
c0ab7e8 "As the doctor treated the wound, Mazer said, " I don't care how much you eat, Ender, self-cannibalism won't get you out of this school." humor love genius Orson Scott Card
3baa317 Cover your butt. Bernard is watching. humor Orson Scott Card
3e765dc "And what would you like, Sharie?" asked Miss Mush. "What do you have?" asked Sharie. "Potato salad". "What else is there?" asked Sharie. "Nothing" said Miss Mush. "Okay" said Sharie. "I'll have that." "Potato salad?" asked Miss Mush. "No,nothing." said Sharie." humor Louis Sachar
b1cb2fe Olivia sat back and propped her half-boots on the table. 'So far it's working. He has to return to me because I have his sister hostage.' She briefly put her fingertips to her lips. 'Did I just say that? I mean I'm protecting the baby sister and earning his trust humor love unrequited-love Kresley Cole
76ac9de Prosperity consists of two things: tea after a meal, and a cigarette after tea. humor Marjane Satrapi
960bd89 "Wow. See? You can't say that's not impressive." I recognize the names, even if I don't know what they all did. "I didn't." He reaches for his wallet and pays our admission charge. I try to get it--since it was my idea in the first place--but he insists. "Happy Thanksgiving," he says, handing me my ticket. "Let's see some dead people." We're greeted by an unimaginable number of domes and columns and arches. Everything is huge and round." humor st-clair Stephanie Perkins
f1eedb2 Nothing - really, absolutely nothing - says more about Victorian Britain and its capacity for brilliance than that the century's most daring and iconic building was entrusted to a gardener. humor Bill Bryson
b70a1c4 Yes, contractions can be intense,' Noura continues. 'But your bodies are designed to handle it. And what you must remember is, it's a positive pain. I'm sure you'll both agree?' She looks over at Mum and Janice. POSITIVE?' Janice looks up, horrified. 'Ooh, no, dear. Mine was agony. 24 hours in the cruel summer heat. I wouldn't wish it on any of you poor girls.' But there are natural methods you can use,' Noura puts in quickly. 'I'm sure you found that rocking and changing position helped with the contractions. I wouldn't have said so,' Mum says kindly. Or a warm bath?' Noura suggets, smile tightening. A bath? Dear, when you're gripped by agony and wanting to die, a bath doesn't really help!' As I glance around the room I can see that all the girls' faces have frozen. Most of the mens' too. humor Sophie Kinsella
5b5191f ...as you know, I don't believe in fear, just an invention by men so they get all the money and good jobs... humor keyes gender Marian Keyes
75c452d "You would never do anything like that, would you?" my wife asked him. "You would never hurt animals." Our son shook his head, looking offended by the question. He might have been lying, but my knowledge of his belief system, composed of equal parts off-kilter Far Side animal-centrism and a dark Captain Nemoesque contempt for humanity, inclined me to think he was telling the truth. Gigantic fish pulling the limbs from cruel little boys, that might be something you could get him to sign on for." humor Michael Chabon
cb64236 The United States was a big country where everybody wore funny t-shirts and ate too much. humor demotivational united-states Adam Rex
cf4fb1c Give me a small intimate gathering of five people, a dinner party, where one-on-one conversations can be had, where people talk about current events, good books, good food, and weird news. That was my idea of a good time. humor party Penny Reid
eeaa7a3 I put the books I was returning on the appropriate desk, and I began looking at the shelves of new arrivals. Most of them were some permutation on self-help. Going by how popular these books were and how often they were checked out, everyone in Bon Temps should have become perfect by now. library humor Charlaine Harris
2d6d403 Do you sometimes wish you could fast-forward a week? You know something bad's coming up, and you know you'll get through it, but the prospect just makes you feel sick. I worried for about thirty minutes, and though I knew there was no point in doing so, I could feel my anxiety twisting me up in a knot. 'Bullshit,' I told myself stoutly. 'This is utter bullshit. humor Charlaine Harris
34a2c0c I took her outside on to a little roof terrace that looked like it never got the sun at nay time of the day r year, but there was a picnic table and a grill out there anyway. Those little grills are everywhere in England, right? To me they've come to represent the trumph of hope over circumstance, seeing as all you can do is peer at them out the window through the pissing rain. humor london Nick Hornby
be3d140 Why write a song when no one can play the notes or understand the lyrics? humor series vampires Christopher Moore
adeeb28 Four of us,' said Morwen. The cats yowled. 'Yes, I know, and of course you're coming, but you can't carry a bucket of soapy water, so for the purposes of this discussion it doesn't matter,' she told them. The cats gave her an affronted look, turned their backs, and began making indignant little noises at each other. humor morwen Patricia C. Wrede
ffff60f "Bottled, was he?" Said Colonel Bantry, with an Englishman's sympathy for alcoholic excess. "Oh, well, can't judge a fellow by what he does when he's drunk? When I was at Cambridge, I remember I put a certain utensil - well - well, nevermind." sympathy humour humor cambridge embarassment englishman utensil Agatha Christie
dac21ea You see, the only thing the good people are good at is overthrowing the bad people. And you're good at that, I'll grant you. But the trouble is it's the only thing you're good at. One day it's the ringing of the bells and the casting down of the evil tyrant, and the next it's everyone sitting around complaining that ever since the tyrant was overthrown no one's been taking out the trash. Because the bad people know how to plan. It's part of the specification, you might say. Every evil tyrant has a plan to rule the world. The good people don't seem to have the knack. humor inspirational vetinari Terry Pratchett
8fa2c26 He said, I won't have one of those things in the house. It gives a young girl a false notion of beauty, not to mention anatomy. If a real woman was built like that she'd fall on her face. She said, If we don't let her have one like all the other girls she'll feel singled out. It'll become an issue. She'll long for one and she'll long to turn into one. Repression breeds sublimation. You know that. He said, It's not just the pointy plastic tits, it's the wardrobes. The wardrobes and that stupid male doll, what's his name, the one with the underwear glued on. She said, Better to get it over with when she's young. He said, All right but don't let me see it. She came whizzing down the stairs, thrown like a dart. She was stark naked. Her hair had been chopped off, her head was turned back to front, she was missing some toes and she'd been tattooed all over her body with purple ink, in a scrollwork design. She hit the potted azalea, trembled there for a moment like a botched angel, and fell. He said, I guess we're safe. women beauty humor role-models feminine girls gender-roles femininity gender-stereotypes Margaret Atwood
f731e42 You have more issues than Reader's Digest. funny humor reader-s-digest psychology mental-health Rebecca McNutt
6a81729 We already have the Wooden Pillar, the Steel Pillar and the Plastic Pillar. In a moment we will have the Golden Bail....' No, you won't.' We will,' stated the robot simply. No, you won't. It makes my ship work.' In a moment,' repeated the robot patiently, 'we will have the Golden Bail....' You will not,' said Zaphod. And then we must go,' said the robot, in all seriousness, 'to a party.' Oh,' said Zaphod, startled, 'can I come?' No,' said the robot, 'we are going to shoot you.' Oh, yeah?' said Zaphod, waggling his gun. Yes,' said the robot, and they shot him. Zaphod was so surprised that they had to shoot him again before he fell down. (85-86) humor robot Douglas Adams
056405c "Men came in and dragged us apart. It took us five minutes to bring Nora to. She sat up holding her cheek and looked around the room until she saw Morelli, nippers on one wrist, standing between two detectives. Morelli's face was a mess: the coppers had worked him over a little just for the fun of it. Nora glared at me. "You damned fool," she said, "you didn't have to knock me cold. I knew you'd take him, but I wanted to see it." One of the coppers laughed. "Jesus," he said admiringly, "there's a woman with hair on her chest." humor Dashiell Hammett
42487d3 He had found a Nutri-Matic machine which had provided him with a plastic cup filled with a liquid that was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea. The way it functioned was very interesting. When the Drink button was pressed it made an instant but highly detailed examination of the subject's taste buds, a spectroscopic analysis of the subject's metabolism and then sent tiny experimental signals down the neural pathways to the taste centers of the subject's brain to see what was likely to go down well. However, no one knew quite why it did this because it invariable delivered a cupful of liquid that was almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea. The Nutri-Matic was designed and manufactured by the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation whose complaint department now covers all the major landmasses of the first three planets in the Sirius Tau Star system. humor tea Douglas Adams
85af8d8 "This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person is me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I'd gotten the time of the train wrong. I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table. I want you to picture the scene. It's very important that you get this very clear in your mind. Here's the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There's a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase. It didn't look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it. Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There's nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies. You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know... But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn't do anything, and thought, What am I going to do? In the end I thought Nothing for it, I'll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, That settled him. But it hadn't because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie. Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice..." I mean, it doesn't really work. humor english Douglas Adams
695c156 [S]ometimes, when you are a food person, the possible irrelevance of what you are doing doesn't cross your mind until it's too late. (Once, for example, when I was just starting out in the food business, I was hired by the caper people to develop a lot of recipes using capers, and it was weeks of tossing capers into just about everything but milkshakes before I came to terms with the fact that nobody really likes capers no matter what you do with them. Some people to like capers, but the truth is that any dish that tastes good with capers in it tastes even better with capers not in in. humor Nora Ephron
8519230 "Sebastian," Katarina said, turning to her nephew. "You've grown." "It happens," Sebastian quipped, flashing her his usual lopsided grin. "Goodness," she said with smile, "you'll be a danger to the ladies soon." Harry very nearly rolled his eyes. Sebastian had already made conquests of nearly all the girls in the village near Hesslewhite. He must give off some sort of scent, because the females positively fell at his feet. It would have been appalling, except that the girls couldn't all dance with Sebastian. And Harry was more than happy to be the nearest man standing when the smoke cleared." humor Julia Quinn
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