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35057ca "...but with the hours I sometimes kept at the coffeehouse I had to have learned to take naps during the day or die, and I had learned to take naps. Up until five months ago "something or other or die" had always seemed like a plain choice in favor of the something or other." humor naps Robin McKinley
380f181 All depression has its roots in self-pity, and all self-pity is rooted in people taking themselves too seriously. humor irony philosophy pity psychology sarcasm self-pity Tom Robbins
86f9037 "As it is, I guess I find "Jack and Diane" a little disgusting. As a child of immigrant professionals, I can't help but notice the wasteful frivolity of it all. Why are these kids not at home doing their homework? Why aren't they setting the table for dinner or helping out around the house? Who allows their kids to hang out in parking lots? Isn't that loitering? I wish there was a song called "Nguyen & Ari," a little ditty about a hardworking Vietnamese girl who helps her parents with the franchised Holiday Inn they run, and does homework in the lobby, and Ari, a hardworking Jewish boy who does volunteer work at his grandmother's old-age home, and they meet after school at Princeton Review. They help each other study for the SATs and different AP courses, and then, after months of studying, and mountains of flashcards, they kiss chastely upon hearing the news that they both got into their top college choices. This is a song teens need to inadvertently memorize. Now that's a song I'd request at Johnny Rockets!" humor Mindy Kaling
e8afab2 It's great having Bruce Springsteen on my show. We have so much in common! We're both from New Jersey, just from different neighborhoods. Sort of like how Martin Luther King and Margaret Mitchell both came from Atlanta. But from different neighborhoods. humor Jon Stewart
d84a444 "Novels and gardens," she says. "I like to move from plot to plot." -- gardening humor reading Bill Richardson
dddbdfc She knew a cutting, incisive, withering and above all a self-evident answer existed. It was just that, to her extreme annoyance, she couldn't quite bring it to mind. granny-weatherwax humor Terry Pratchett
e8c018e Don't look into car headlights and freeze, because you'll either get run over or shot! humor Bill Watterson
e8c3cd8 The men who made the joke saw something deep which they could not express except by something silly and emphatic. humor humour language seriousness G.K. Chesterton
ee86298 The thing about Botox is that when you've had too much, you then have to fake reactions just to look human--and it's impossible to distinguish real fake reactions from fake fake reactions. humor John Sandford
f4ee546 If I could just get Broom to cooperate, we could fly, Glo said. Then we wouldn't have to worry about traffic. Harry Potter didn't have to worry about traffic. You relize Harry Potter isn't real, right? Of course, but he could be. I mean, maybe not Harry Potter, but someone like him. Who's to say? harry-potter humor Janet Evanovich
eb1bacd "Oh, I know. They're dwarfs pretending to be elves. No, they're not dwarfs either. Okay, okay, they're "little people," I'm sorry! Can't believe I have to be politically correct when you're the only one who can hear me." dog humor oberon Kevin Hearne
f3a4845 Now I understand why King Stannis let the wildlings through the Wall. He means for us to eat them. humor stannis-baratheon wall wildlings George R.R. Martin
fb58198 We (people) only remembered that elves sang. But we forgot what they sang about. humor lords-and-ladies parody terry-pratchett Terry Pratchett
f4e6990 I'm a disciple of the Tao of Peter Parker, obviously, humor marvel Jim Butcher
ea67890 Well aware that to bring the voice of sober reason to bear upon the exaggerations of agitated females was both fruitless and perilous, Freddy wisely let this pass... exaggerations freddy-standen humor Georgette Heyer
d7164f1 "The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, "I want to love, I want to live..." funny humor joke David Sedaris
58e0a9c [L]ife is a phenomenon in need of criticism, for we are, as fallen creatures, in permanent danger of worshipping false gods, of failing to understand ourselves and misinterpreting the behaviour of others, of growing unproductively anxious or desirous, and of losing ourselves to vanity and error. Surreptitiously and beguilingly, then, with humour or gravity, works of art--novels, poems, plays, paintings or films--can function as vehicles to explain our condition to us. They may act as guides to a truer, more judicious, more intelligent understanding of the world. art criticism desire films gravity humor life novels paintings plays poems self-understanding understanding vanity Alain de Botton
7a84b28 Don't be afraid, be terrified humor Christopher Pike
f6b6335 "The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin "Tubby" Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role of Santa with a beguiling authenticity. The false beard tended to muffle his speech, but they could hear his chafing thighs all the way to the North Pole." christmas humor santa David Sedaris
50e9913 "There're three ways to get there from here, each one worse than the last. You can either hold your breath through the plague colonies, slip through Slaverville, or take the mountain route." Something flashed in his expression, something somber, which seemed out of place on his animated face. "That's where the cannibals really like to hole up." "You've seen them?" I asked. "Oh, yeah. And it's, like, totally worse than you can imagine. Their steady diet of grilled Homo sapiens really screws with their heads. And the miner cannibals in North Carolina? They're the worst! Dude. They don't even grill." humor Kresley Cole
76c83ae "It's a bit burned," my mother would say apologetically at every meal, presenting you with a piece of meat that looked like something -- a much-loved pet perhaps -- salvaged from a tragic house fire. "But I think I scraped off most of the burned part," she would add, overlooking that this included every bit of it that had once been flesh. Happily, all this suited my father. His palate only responded to two tastes - burned and ice cream -- so everything suited him so long as it was sufficiently dark and not too startlingly flavorful. Theirs truly was a marriage made in heaven, for no one could burn food like my mother or eat it like my dad." humor parents Bill Bryson
ffc4f65 "He was trying to conjure up a succubus." It should be impossible to leer when all you've got is a beak, but the parrot managed it. "That's a female demon what comes in the night and makes mad passionate wossn-" "I've heard of them," said Rincewind. "Bloody dangerous things." The parrot put its head on one side. "It never worked. All he ever got was a neuralger." discworld humor Terry Pratchett
fc3043b She did not especially appreciate children either, but could be kind to them when they were silent. humor Gordon Dahlquist
a038c3f Watch out for a man whose enemies keep disappearing. enemies humor watch C.J. Cherryh
afac25c In another telling anomaly of the meat-grinding business, many of the larger slaughterhouses will sell their product only to grinders who agree to not test their product for E. coli contamination--until after it's run through a grinder with a whole bunch of other meat from other sources...It's like demanding of a date that she have unprotected sex with four or five other guys immediately before sleeping with you--just so she can't point the finger directly at you should she later test positive for clap. food-regulation humor Anthony Bourdain
b590ff6 She looks like a very young old person, or a very old young person; but then, she's looked that way ever since she was two. humor Margaret Atwood
0c14b43 "Regweld is really a fine wizard," he continued, patting the shoulder again. "And his ideas for crossbreeding a horse and a frog are not without merit; never mind the explosion! Alchemy shops can be replaced!" fantasy frog horse humor icewind-dale r-a-salvatore wizards R.A. Salvatore
2851687 We're going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. humor Richard Dawkins
5dc16b3 "[...] I have a date this afternoon." "Oh, Lord." Jake closed his eyes. "Who are you going to destroy now?" "I beg your pardon?" "The hotel would appreciate it if you'd just throw back the men you don't like without maiming them." "I haven't maimed anyone." "You almost drowned Lance, you scared Peter into heart palpitations, you stabbed Donald with a fork, and you hit Brad over the head with a bottle." Jake shook his head. "And they still ask you out." -- humor men-and-women Jennifer Crusie
aa9f988 Many collectors died in process of searching for new species, and despite persistent reports that the men died from drowning, gunshot and knife wounds, snakebite, trampling by cattle, or blows in the head with blunt instruments, it is generally accepted that in each case the primary cause of death was orchid fever. history-of-mankind humor orchids Eric Hansen
265ab1c If you turn into a hideous monster and I am sent to slay you, I will remember this and make it as painless as I can, out of respect for you. funny humor lol sanya the-dresden-files Jim Butcher
21db72b He says I'm beautiful as a red tomato humor Jeanne DuPrau
9111a40 Turning to Turnip, Miss Dempsey said, 'Do you think?'. 'As little as I can,' Turnip replied honestly. funny-quotes humor Lauren Willig
394138f You mustn't stand about. Come home with me to dinner.' 'No.' More shakes his head. 'I would rather be blown around on the river and go home hungry. If I could trust you only to put food in my mouth - but you will put words into it. humor Hilary Mantel
a9739cf "Let us roam then, you and I, When the evening is splayed out across the sky [...] Paths that follow like a nagging accusation Of a minor violation To lead you to the ultimate reproof ... Oh, do not say, 'Bad kitty!' Let us go and prowl the city. In the rooms the cats run to and fro Auditioning for a Broadway show." (From )" -- humor prufrock t-s-eliot Henry N. Beard
0b099b6 "Did you ever see so many pee-wee hats, Carl?" "They're beanies." "They call them pee-wees in Brooklyn." "But I'm not in Brooklyn." "But you're still a Brooklynite." "I wouldn't want that to get around, Annie." "You don't mean that, Carl." "Ah, we might as well call them beanies, Annie." "Why?" "When in Rome do as the Romans do." "Do they call them beanies in Rome?" she asked artlessly. "This is the silliest conversation..." betty-smith humor joy-in-the-morning marriage Betty Smith
a765f02 You surprise me, Hastings. Do you not know that all celebrated detectives have brothers who would be even more celebrated than they are were it not for constitutional indolence? humor Agatha Christie
929d5a9 "Can't we do anything about it?" - "No!" - "Then I can't see the sense in panicking", said Twoflower calmly" humor pratchett ricewind twoflower Terry Pratchett
69f44e9 There are few things less comforting than a tiger who's been up too late. comic humor Bill Watterson
07d1acc I spent six hours becoming one with a shrubbery last night. There were three cloudbursts and a rain of small and very confused frogs humor Charles Stross
c8dd12c I'm not the one going for a biology degree. I'm just a philosophy major who eats people. funny humor parasites vampires zombies Scott Westerfeld
d36ece5 Don't believe those lies about intellectual people. They're only written to soothe the majority. humor intellectualism E. M. Forster
a51fd8e In a well-organized world he might have landed on a fire escape, but the fire escapes were unknown in Ankh-Morpork and the flames generally had to leave via the roof. humor Terry Pratchett
1d380b5 Life could be horrible in the wrong trouser of time. humor parallel-universe time Terry Pratchett
65781b6 "He's attracted to the smell of manure," Felicity says. "You might wallow in the stables to bring out the full flower of his love." humor libba-bray rebel-angels Libba Bray
05edcba "...I've spent the last fifteen years of my life railing against the game of soccer, an exercise that has been lauded as "the sport of the future" since 1977. Thankfully, that future dystopia has never come." future humor soccer sports Chuck Klosterman
233e3b3 "You wired the kid," Truemann said meekly to no one in particular. "Why not? No crime. You're the FBI, remember. You boys run more wire than AT&T."[Reggie Love]" humor John Grisham
53f971d "(LuAnn) Whatever. That'll teach me not to build my life around a man whose favorite book is . Listen, kid." She waggles her finger, as if scolding me. "Nothing good comes from Ayn RAnd. Trust me on this." humor Abby McDonald
a0f536c "Seven smirked as he walked back over to me. "I gave you catharsis last night. Twice." catharsis funny humor T.J. Klune
558315b Daft Wullie had raised a finger. 'Point o' order, Rob,' he said, 'but it was a wee bittie hurtful there for you to say I dinna hae the brains of a beetle...' Rob hesitated, but only for a moment. 'Aye, Daft Wullie, ye are right in whut ye say. It was unricht o' me to say that. It was the heat o' the moment, an' I am full sorry for it. As I stand here before ye now, I will say: Daft Wullie, ye DO hae the brains o' a beetle, an' I'll fight any scunner who says different! humor Terry Pratchett
9587212 "We want to fight." "And I want J.K. Rowling to keep writing in the Potterverse, but I know that's never going to happen," I said blithely." fallen-legion fantasy fiction humor j-k-rowling laura-kreitzer paranormal potterverse timeless-series Laura Kreitzer
b590704 Sylvie had an amazing life, but she didn't get to live it very often. humor Roderick Townley
02a4a12 "You sure you don't want to go?" Grandma Mazur asked my mother. "I didn't know Moogey Bues," my mother told her. "I've got better things to do than to go to a viewing of a perfect stranger." "I wouldn't go either," Grandma Mazur said, "but I'm helping Stephanie with this here manhunt. Maybe Kenny Mancuso will show up, and Stephanie will need some extra muscle. I was watching Television, and I saw how you stick your fingers in a person's eyes to slow them down." "She's your responsibility," my mother said to me. "She sticks her fingers in anybody's eyes I'm holding you accountable." grandma-mazur humor stephanie-plum stephanie-s-mom sticking-fingers-in-eyes Janet Evanovich
120dd15 I might be 30 years old, but a girl never outgrows the need for her mother. humor inspiration truth Debbie Macomber
ae63232 "Kind of bloodthirsty, don't you think, Charles?" said John. "I'm an editor," said Charles. "I have to make decisions like that all the time." editor humor James A. Owen
9db9c73 I started to think of friends I could lean on for some help, but, as always happened when I attempted this kind of social audit, I realised that far too many of them were abroad, dead, married to people who disapproved of me, or weren't really my friends, now that I came to think of it. humor Hugh Laurie
3baa317 Cover your butt. Bernard is watching. humor Orson Scott Card
8ac226c Buckets,' said Cimorene. 'Lots of buckets, and soap, and lemon juice. Where do you keep your buckets, Mendanbar?' 'Around somewhere,' Mendanbar said vaguely. humor mendanbar Patricia C. Wrede
a5f5cb8 "He is a man, I think," he said, "who cares for nothing but a joke. He is a dangerous man." Lambert laughed in the act of lifting some macaroni to his mouth. "Dangerous!" he said. "You don't know little Quin, sir!" "Every man is dangerous," said the old man, without moving, "Who cares only for one thing. I was once dangerous myself." humor potential G.K. Chesterton
3e765dc "And what would you like, Sharie?" asked Miss Mush. "What do you have?" asked Sharie. "Potato salad". "What else is there?" asked Sharie. "Nothing" said Miss Mush. "Okay" said Sharie. "I'll have that." "Potato salad?" asked Miss Mush. "No,nothing." said Sharie." humor Louis Sachar
642c6ab But giving drugs to a cat is no joke, Kemp! cats humor H.G. Wells
20550d9 I think it's 'only polite' that my wife should let me know when she's entertaining a male visitor, furthermore one that has shared her bed. eric-northman humor sookie-stackhouse upset Charlaine Harris
960bd89 "Wow. See? You can't say that's not impressive." I recognize the names, even if I don't know what they all did. "I didn't." He reaches for his wallet and pays our admission charge. I try to get it--since it was my idea in the first place--but he insists. "Happy Thanksgiving," he says, handing me my ticket. "Let's see some dead people." We're greeted by an unimaginable number of domes and columns and arches. Everything is huge and round." humor st-clair Stephanie Perkins
371c1c4 "I pick up the list of Benji's five favorite books because we've got work to do: "Gravity's Rainbow" by Thomas Pynchon. He's a pretentious fuck and a liar. "Underworld" by Don DeLillo. He's a snob. "On the Road" by Jack Kerouac. He's a spoiled passport-carrying fuck stunted in eighth grade. "Brief Interviews with Hideous Men" by David Foster Wallace. Enough already. "The Red Badge of Courage" by Stephen Crane. He's got Mayflowers in his blood." -- don-delillo favorite-books humor jack-kerouac pretension pretentiousness stephen-crane thomas-pynchon Caroline Kepnes
9fce404 "And we're not lost." We are so fucking lost. Literally adrift in the nothing space between universes." humor science Blake Crouch
06337cd Alright, go away. I have a tiny world to save. humor video-games Bryan Lee O'Malley
b63b03a "I understand we'll be attending your friend Miss Worthington's Christmas ball. Perhaps I'll find a suitable-- which is to say wealthy-- wife among the ladies attending." And perhaps they will run screaming for the convent." doyle funny gemma humor tom Libba Bray
939749c "What is the matter with you?" asked Shcherbatsky. "Nothing much, but there is little to be happy about in this world." "Little? You'd better come with me to Paris instead of going to some Mulhausen or other. You'll see how jolly it will be!" "No, I have done with that; it is time for me to die." "That is a fine thing!" said Shcherbatsky, laughing. "I am only just beginning to live." "Yes, I thought so too till lately; but now I know that I shall soon die." Levin was saying what of late he had really been thinking. He saw death and the apprroach of death in everything; but the work he had begun interested him all the more. After all, he had to live his life somehow, til death came. Everything for him was wrapped in darkness; but just because of the darkness, feeling his work to be the only thread to guide him through the darkness, he seized upon it and clung to it with all his might." -- death humor levin Leo Tolstoy
6a2d044 Richard Feynman was fond of giving the following advice on how to be a genius. You have to keep a dozen of your favorite problems constantly present in your mind, although by and large they will lay in a dormant state. Every time you hear or read a new trick or a new result, test it against each of your twelve problems to see whether it helps. Every once in a while there will be a hit, and people will say, 'How did he do it? He must be a genius! favorite feynman funny genius humor joke read richard-feynman richard-p-feynman richard-phillips-feynman Gian-Carlo Rota
3d3bfdb Yesterday Allison bought me nail polish in the annoying shade of mauve. How can anyone look at me and think mauve? humor identity makeup mauve nail-polish Katie McGarry
3afe648 "All I really need," he continued, "is for you to act as a deterrent." "A deterrent?" she choked out. "A human shield, if you will." "I cannot be left alone with that woman," he said, and he felt no remorse at the low desperation in his voice. "Please, if you have any care for your fellow man." Her lips clamped together in a suspicious line. "I'm not certain what I get out of the equation." "You mean besides the joy of my delightful company?" "Yes," she said, with an impressive lack of inflection, "besides that." humor Julia Quinn
3279394 Gossiping's part of witchcraft,' said Tiffany. 'They're checking to see if they've gone batty yet. humor sanity witches women Terry Pratchett
a3df49d They told me that nothing was a sin, just a poor life choice. Poor impulse control. That nothing is evil. Any concept of right versus wrong, according to them, is merely a cultural construct relative to one specific time and place. They said that if anything should force us to modify our personal behavior it should be our allegiance to a social contract, not some vague, externally imposed threat of flaming punishment. fun funny heaven hell humor inspirational life motivational true chuck palahniuk
1ff716e The truly smart, having discovered they are cleverer than the people around them, soon learn that the smartest thing of all for them to do is to prevent said people from ever finding this out. humor pratchett Terry Pratchett
545d004 "Two girls walk past in gargantuan heels and dresses so tight that their skin is spilling out, and one of them says to the other, "Wait, who the fuck is Lewis Carroll?" and in my imagination I pull a gun out of my pocket, shoot them both and then shoot myself." humor lewis-carroll literature Alice Oseman
ad8881b I'm sorry your evening has been spoilt; I hope Juffrouw van Doorn won't be too upset.' 'She will be livid,' he observed with calm. 'Drink your brandy, it will prevent you catching cold.' He leant over Bertie for a moment and listened to the dog's snores. 'He'll be all right now.' Becky sipped her brandy, wrinkling her nose. 'This tastes very peculiar.' Not a muscle of the Baron's face moved. He would hardly have described his best Napoleon brandy as peculiar. humor Betty Neels
5fbefdd Beans are a warm cloak against economic cold. humor John Steinbeck
23437bf " "A mousie squealing in a trap Woke me from my morning nap. Wasn't he so very sweet To tell me it was time to eat?" (From )" humor robert-louis-stevenson Henry N. Beard
8b0ab74 "Hart pointed at the carriage. "Get in." Eleanor started, and the cake vendor, who'd been watching with evident enjoyment, looked worried. "No need," Eleanor said to Hart. "I'll find a hansom. I've brought Maigdlin an I have so many parcels." "Get into the carriage, El, or I'll strap you to the top of it." Eleanor rolled her eyes and took another bite of seedcake." highland-pleasures-series humor Jennifer Ashley
36eeab7 "Felicity laughs and takes on the tone of a fashionable lady. "Darling, the Bryn-Joneses have just done the most marvelous thing in their parlor with human blood. We simply must have ours done straightaway!" felicity-worthington humor libba-bray Libba Bray
b98ee3c "Cayman shrugged."It's a sign of the times, man. It'll probably be on some Alpha's Facebook wall within the hour." Alphas had Facebook accounts?" facebook humor Jennifer L. Armentrout
b70a1c4 Yes, contractions can be intense,' Noura continues. 'But your bodies are designed to handle it. And what you must remember is, it's a positive pain. I'm sure you'll both agree?' She looks over at Mum and Janice. POSITIVE?' Janice looks up, horrified. 'Ooh, no, dear. Mine was agony. 24 hours in the cruel summer heat. I wouldn't wish it on any of you poor girls.' But there are natural methods you can use,' Noura puts in quickly. 'I'm sure you found that rocking and changing position helped with the contractions. I wouldn't have said so,' Mum says kindly. Or a warm bath?' Noura suggets, smile tightening. A bath? Dear, when you're gripped by agony and wanting to die, a bath doesn't really help!' As I glance around the room I can see that all the girls' faces have frozen. Most of the mens' too. humor Sophie Kinsella
4ab8943 "Maybe I just didn't want it to be Benny because he really loves her, and if I was wrong about that, it'd be depressing. Who wants to be depressed?" "Poets," Eve decided. "You have to think they must." "Okay, other than poets." friends humor love poets J.D. Robb
6998125 ...he found that after prolonged contact with Claire and her opinions, he had much less trust in physicians that heretofore - and he hadn't had much to begin with. claire-fraser humor lord-john-grey Diana Gabaldon
b1cb2fe Olivia sat back and propped her half-boots on the table. 'So far it's working. He has to return to me because I have his sister hostage.' She briefly put her fingertips to her lips. 'Did I just say that? I mean I'm protecting the baby sister and earning his trust humor love unrequited-love Kresley Cole
34da77e I thought I was going to die right there on the spot. I've never heard anything so terrible in my whole life. I hope she is wrong and I never get a period. I am eleven years old and entirely too young to hear about it. Can you imagine my mother not knowing what Kotex are for and dusting the house with them? Well, her mother can just tell her what they are for. I'm not getting into the facts of life. I haven't heard one fact of life I like yet. humor Fannie Flagg
8989ea5 The race will find that capitalists and communists modify themselves so much during the ages that they end by being indistinguishable as democrats... communism democrats humor politics T.H. White
c0ab7e8 "As the doctor treated the wound, Mazer said, " I don't care how much you eat, Ender, self-cannibalism won't get you out of this school." genius humor love Orson Scott Card
1946006 BE CAREFUL, OR BE ROADKILL! humor safety Bill Watterson
b2d8c0d They say every dog has its day, Ganapathi, but for this terrier twilight came before tea-time. humor indian mahabharata Shashi Tharoor
8a093e2 Conspiracies existed, to be sure; many of them, and many were dark indeed. But fiendish? Fiendishness required brains. Nine times out of ten, conspirators behaved like buffoons and wound up exposing themselves out of sheer, bumbling incompetence. humor politics Eric Flint
646e429 "I pick up the list of Benji's five favorite books because we've got work to do: "Gravity's Rainbow" by Thomas Pynchon. He's a pretentious fuck and a liar. "Underworld" by Don DeLillo. He's a snob. "On the Road" by Jack Kerouac. He's a spoiled passport-carrying fuck stunted in eighth grade. "Brief Interviews with Hideous Men" by David Foster Wallace. Enough already. "The Red Badge of Courage" by Stephen Crane. He's got Mayflowers in his blood." don-delillo favorite-books humor jack-kerouac pretension pretentiousness stephen-crane thomas-pynchon Caroline Kepnes
ade4d05 "I'm a survivor, " I said. But I didn't think that claim would carry much weight in an obituary." epitaph humor irony Tobias Wolff
8a1e306 I thought instead of a good rule for survival on Wall Street: Never agree to anything proposed on someone else's boat or you'll regret in in the morning. humor wall-street Michael Lewis
91c6295 "How she looks is watered-down. How she looks is disappearing. How she looks is erased. "Don't stress", she says. "This is just me not wearing any makeup." humor life women Chuck Palahniuk
2eafab6 "You'd never have gotten it right. You have to hit the door just so. It took me weeks to learn." "And what were you doing sneaking out at night?" he demanded. "I fail to see how that is your business." "You became my business when you took up residence in my house." "Well, I wouldn't have moved in if you hadn'tkidnapped me!" "I wouldn't have kidnapped you if you hadn't been wandering about the countryside with no thought to your own safety." "I was certainly safer in the countryside than I was at Prewitt Hall, and you well know it." "You wouldn't be safe in a convent," he muttered. "If you two lovebirds can stop snapping at each other," James cut in, "I'd like to search the study before Prewitt returns home." Blake glared at Caroline as if this entire delay were her fault, causing her to hiss, "Don't forget that if it weren't for me-" "If it weren't for you," he shot back, "I would be a very happy man indeed." "We are wasting time," James reminded them. "The both of you may remain here, if you cannot cease your squabbling, but I am going in to search the south drawing room." "I'll go first," Caroline announced, "since I know the way." "You'll go behind me," Blake contradicted, "and give me directions as we go along." "Oh, for the love of Saint Peter," James finally burst out, exasperation showing in every line of his body. "I'll go first, if only to shut the two of you up. Caroline, you follow and give me directions. Blake, you guard her from the rear." humor team-work Julia Quinn
285bbbe "Why do airline pilots always call passengers "folks"? I don't usually take umbrage at generic terminology--I'm one of those forward-thinkers who believes that "man" encompasses the whole darned race -- but at whatever 0'clock in the mornning. I thought it would be nice to be called sometihng that suggested unwashed masses a little less." humor urban-shaman C.E. Murphy
8eb9762 His laugh and his voice were both pleasant. He talked the way New Yorkers used to talk before they learned to talk Flatbush. humor new-york-city Raymond Chandler
386205e "A ruler needs a good head and a true heart," she famously told the king. "A cock is not essential." female-rights fire-and-blood humor king ruler ruling George R.R. Martin
a6fb146 What's amazing is that she was possessed by Satan for almost a year and nobody noticed anything unusual! humor possessed MaryJanice Davidson
2954199 I shall claim full amends for every fall and stubbed toe, if you do not lead us well. gimli humor J.R.R. Tolkien
0cdf948 I handed my tools. The two of them reached down to help me out of the crater I'd dug. ''Isn't that a little deep?'' Yoda asked. ''It'll help the roots get established,'' I explained. ''Established where? China? digging garden humor Laurie Halse Anderson
886793f . A silent, putrid committed by someone in this very room, and only one person knows whodunnit. dictionary humor swearing VIZ
c571acf ABNER Marsh had a mind that was not unlike his body. It was big all around, ample in size and capacity, and he crammed all sorts of things into it. It was strong as well; when Abner Marsh took something in his hand it did not easily slip away, and when he took something in his head it was not easily forgotten. He was a powerful man with a powerful brain, but body and mind shared one other trait as well: they were deliberate. Some might even say slow. Marsh did not run, he did not dance, he did not scamper or slide along; he walked with a straightforward dignified gait that nonetheless got him where he wanted to go. So it was with his mind. Abner Marsh was not quick in word or thought, but he was far from stupid; he chewed over things thoroughly, but at his own pace. humor George R.R. Martin
d44107d You remind me of an old cat I once had. Whenever he killed a mouse he would bring it into the drawing-room and lay it affectionately at my feet. I would reject the corpse with horror and turn him out, but back he would come with his loathsome gift. I simply couldn't make him understand that he was not doing me a kindness. He thought highly of his mouse and it was beyond him to realize that I did not want it. You are just the same with your chivalry. It's very kind of you to keep offering me your dead mouse; but honestly I have no use for it. I won't take favors just because I happen to be a female. humor humour suffragette P.G. Wodehouse
d641fbd "My dad mumbled something unintelligible. "Woo!" Emmett suddenly boomed in his deep bass. "Go Gators!" Jacob and Charlie jumped. The rest of us froze. Charlie recovered, then looked at Emmett over his shoulder. "Florida winning?" "Just scored the first touchdown," Emmett confirmed. He shot a look in my direction, wagging his eyebrows like a villain in vaudeville. "'Bout time somebody scored around here." charlie emmett humor Stephenie Meyer
ec5640b "Bad improvisers block action, often with a high degree of skill. Good improvisers develop action."(p.115)" humor improvisation inspirational motivational nonfiction science Malcolm Gladwell
fef14b3 "Yeah," Tamara said. "An old bowling alley. There must be a town not too far from here. But how could Aaron be there? And don't say something like 'working on his score' or 'maybe he's in a bowling league' or something like that. Be serious." Call leaned against the rough bark of a nearby tree and resisted the urge to sit down. He was afraid he wouldn't be able to get up again. "I'm serious. It might be hard to tell in the dark, but I have my most super-serious face on." humor sarcasm Cassandra Clare and Holly Black
dbf7a2e Everybody looked at Sully suspiciously. A rumor that he had burned up in the blaze had been circulating, and people had quickly adjusted to the idea of profound human tragedy. They were reluctant to give it up, Sully could tell. He smiled apologetically at the crowd. humor Richard Russo
86122dc "An eternity later, they reached what he thought might be the end, and King Henry waved his turkey leg in the air, loudly proclaiming, "This land shall be mine, henceforth and forevermore!" And indeed, it seemed that all was lost for the poor, sweet shepherdess and her strangely changeable flock. But just then, there was a mighty roar-- "Is there a lion?" Richard wondered. --and the unicorn burst onto the scene! "Die!" the unicorn shrieked. "Die! Die! Die!" Richard looked to Iris in confusion. The unicorn had not thus demonstrated an ability to speak. Henry's scream of terror was so chilling, the woman behind Richard murmured, "This is surprisingly well acted." Richard stole another look at Iris; her mouth was hanging open as Henry leapt over a cow and ran behind the piano, only to trip over the littlest sheep, who was still licking the piano leg. Henry scrambled for purchase, but the (possibly rabid) unicorn was too fast, and it ran headfirst (and head down) toward the frightened king, plunging its horn into his large, pillowed belly. Someone screamed, and Henry went down, feathers flying. "I don't think this was in the script," Iris said in a horrified whisper." humor julia-quinn Julia Quinn
f00042c All we can hope for is that he will fall into the ocean with a bar of soap in his pocket. fall humor kids ocean pocket soap washing Eoin Colfer
4ca14af Captain Vimes believed in logic, in much the same way as a man in a desert believed in ice -- i.e., it was something he really needed, but this just wasn't the world for it. humor logic Terry Pratchett
faa8024 So hey, once Joshua heals your brother, you want to go do something, get some pomegranate juice, a falafel,or get married or something? humor Christopher Moore
d531df8 Nowadays the standards had plummeted so far that I failed even at being a failure. I silently packed up. Nothing else was left. They had even robbed me of self-pity humor pathos standards young-people Arthur Nersesian
508b99c Meg and Belch only had eyes for each other. Not in the usual romantic sense. humor Eoin Colfer
d53935f "That night we made love "the real way" which we had not yet attempted although married six months. Big mystery. No one knew where to put their leg and to this day I'm not sure we got it right. He seemed happy. You're like Venice he said beautifully. Early next day I wrote a short talk ("On Defloration") which he stole and had published in a small quarterly magazine. Overall this was a characteristic interaction between us. humor husband poetry Anne Carson
f267ef3 Have you ever thought about a Twelve Step program for people who talk too much? You could call it On and On Anon. funny humor Mary Doria Russell
6f194bf "She doesn't know," Cate said. "Kellen is a secret. I didn't think my mother would approve." "Why wouldn't your mother approve?" Pugg asked. "It's my job," Kellen said. "I kill people. It pays well, but it's not universally socially acceptable." humor Janet Evanovich
5b5191f ...as you know, I don't believe in fear, just an invention by men so they get all the money and good jobs... gender humor keyes Marian Keyes
510ccfe You had to admire a guy who called his own new book a classic before it was published and anyone else had a chance to read it. humor William Goldman
f79ff29 "Alexis grabbed his arm. "Tom Jones? Wow, I totally love Tom Jones. He's like quintessential Vegas--over the top and indecent fun. Let me just go grab a pair of underwear to throw at him and we'll be all set." Over his undead body. If anyone was getting her underwear tossed in his face, it was going to be him. "I don't think so, Ball Buster. You're not giving your panties to an old man." "Oh, and you're so young, Garlic?" humor insults nicknames pet-names tom-jones underwear vegas Erin McCarthy
549cf00 Destiny was funny stuff, he knew. You couldn't trust it. Often you couldn't even see it. Just when you knew you had it cornered, it turned out to be something else--coincidence, maybe, or providence. You barred the door against it, and it was standing behind you. Then just when you thought you had it nailed down it walked away with the hammer. humor life Terry Pratchett
f1eedb2 Nothing - really, absolutely nothing - says more about Victorian Britain and its capacity for brilliance than that the century's most daring and iconic building was entrusted to a gardener. humor Bill Bryson
6e8a22b The tune was wailing and mournful, almost flagrantly so, and the total effect was of a heartbroken piccolo being parted forever from its bagpipe lover. humor music Peter S. Beagle
76ac9de Prosperity consists of two things: tea after a meal, and a cigarette after tea. humor Marjane Satrapi
e20a868 "She was in big trouble now. "You stupid man," she said to the body on the floor. "Why did you have to lunge at me like that? Why couldn't you have left well enough alone? I told your father I wasn't going to marry you. I told him I wouldn't marry you if you were the last idiot in Britain." She nearly stamped her foot in frustration. Why was it her words never came out quite the way she intended them to? "What I meant to say was that you are an idiot," she said to Percy, who, not surprisingly, didn't respond, "and that I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man in Britain, and- Oh, blast. What am I doing talking to you, anyway? You're quite dead." historical humor Julia Quinn
8489297 "Bob," I said, louder. "Are you saying it... it ate my magic?" Bob got a defensive look on his face. "Not all of it. I woke you up as quick as I could. Harry, don't worry about it, you'll heal. Sure, you might be down for a couple of months. Or, um, years. Well, decades, possibly, but that's only a very outside chance--" I cut him off with a slash of my hand. "He ate part of my power," I said. "Does that mean that the Nightmare is stronger?" "Well, naturally, Harry. You are what you eat." "Dammit," I snarled, pressing one hand against my forehead. "Okay, okay. We've really got to find this thing now." I started pacing back and forth. "If it's using my power, it makes me responsible for what it does with it." Bob scoffed. "Harry, that's irrational." I shot him a look. "That doesn't make it any less true," I snapped. "Okay," Bob said, meekly. "We have now left Reason and Sanity Junction. Next stop, Looneyville." humor Jim Butcher
7bec315 The Great God Om waxed wroth, or at least made a spirited attempt. There is a limit to the amount of wroth that can be waxed one inch from the ground, and he was right up against it. humor Terry Pratchett
dab59e6 I am Snugglepumpkin. Hear me roar humor Kevin Hearne
6d743d8 Never knew Bannen could smell so good.' Edd's tone was morose as ever.'I had half a mind to carve a slice off him. If we had some applesauce, I might have done it. Pork's always best with applesauce, I find.' ... 'You best not die, Sam, or I fear I might succumb. There's bound to be more crackling on you than Bannen ever had,and I never could resist a bit of crackling. dolorous-edd humor George R.R. Martin
f28db89 I have to admit we are locked in the most exquisite mysterious muck. This muck heaves and palpitates. It is multi-directional and has a mayor. To describe it takes many hundreds of thousands of words. Our muck is only a part of a much greater muck -- the nation-state -- which is itself the creation of that muck of mucks, human consciousness. Of course all these things also have a touch of sublimity -- as when Moonbelly sings, for example, or all the lights go out. What a happy time that was, when all the electricity went away! If only we could re-create that paradise! By, for instance, all forgetting to pay our electric bills at the same time. All nine million of us. Then we'd all get those little notices that say unless we remit within five days the lights will go out. We all stand up from our chairs with the notice in ours hands. The same thought drifts across the furrowed surface of nine million minds. We wink at each other, through the walls. human-society humor life Donald Barthelme
5421737 Mitchell sanders was sitting under a banyan tree and using a thumbnail to pry off all the body lice, working slowly, carefully depositing them in a USO envelope. When he was done he sealed the envelope, wrote 'Free' in the right hand corner, and sent it to his draft board in ohio. humor Tim O'Brien
f0ac46a "Aer-O-Smith. Arrowsmith. Does the shirt belong to your weapon dealer?" "No." "Then why do you wear the shirt of someone else's weapon dealer?" harry-dresden humor t-shirts Jim Butcher
7df7118 "God save King Pendragon, May his reign long drag on, God save the King. Send him most gorious, Great and uproarious, classic humor pendragon T.H. White
4bba276 "The youngest one," she interrupted. "The youngest son, I mean. The one who is unmarried." "I know who he is." "Very well, then. What is wrong with him?" At that she cocked her head to the side and waited expectantly. He thought for a moment. "Nothing." "You--wait." She blinked. "Nothing?" He shook his head, then shifted his weight a little; his good foot was beginning to fall asleep. "Nothing comes immediately to mind." It was true. She could do a good deal worse than Gregory Bridgerton. "Really?" she asked suspiciously. "You find nothing at all objectionable about him." Marcus pretended to think about this a bit longer. Clearly he was supposed to be playing a role here, probably that of the villain. Or if not that, then the grumpy old man. "I suppose he's a bit young," he said." humor marriage Julia Quinn
5d9b9c5 In short, he was a dope. He often looked to Yossarian like one of those people hanging around modern museums with both eyes together on one side of a face. It was an illusion, of course, generated by Clevinger's predilection for staring fixedly at one side of a question and never seeing the other side at all. humor Joseph Heller
dac21ea You see, the only thing the good people are good at is overthrowing the bad people. And you're good at that, I'll grant you. But the trouble is it's the only thing you're good at. One day it's the ringing of the bells and the casting down of the evil tyrant, and the next it's everyone sitting around complaining that ever since the tyrant was overthrown no one's been taking out the trash. Because the bad people know how to plan. It's part of the specification, you might say. Every evil tyrant has a plan to rule the world. The good people don't seem to have the knack. humor inspirational vetinari Terry Pratchett
e30c785 "I swear there are about a million rocks underneath me," [Dylan] said grouchily. Think of it as therapeutic. Like a shiatsu massage." (Sadie) You obviously have a much better imagination than me," he said." humor rocks Sarah Mayberry
764d7a5 I am Jack's broken heart. humor Chuck Palahniuk
701c373 "Dad, is she serious?" John shrugged. "I argue with your Mama, I sleep on the couch and she doesn't feed me. So i dont argue with your mama." humor laugh-out-loud relationships truth truth-of-life Molly McAdams
7b01dc9 "And indeed there will be time To wonder, 'Do I shed?' and, 'Do I shed?' Time to turn back and stretch out on the bed, And give myself a bath before I'm fed -- (They will say: 'It's the short-haired ones I prefer.') My flea collar buckled neatly in my fur, My expression cool and distant but softened by a gentle purr -- (They will say: 'I'm allergic to his fur!') Do I dare Jump up on the table? In an instant there is time For excursions and inversions that will make me seem unstable." (From )" humor prufrock t-s-eliot Henry N. Beard
695c156 [S]ometimes, when you are a food person, the possible irrelevance of what you are doing doesn't cross your mind until it's too late. (Once, for example, when I was just starting out in the food business, I was hired by the caper people to develop a lot of recipes using capers, and it was weeks of tossing capers into just about everything but milkshakes before I came to terms with the fact that nobody really likes capers no matter what you do with them. Some people to like capers, but the truth is that any dish that tastes good with capers in it tastes even better with capers not in in. humor Nora Ephron
6a81729 We already have the Wooden Pillar, the Steel Pillar and the Plastic Pillar. In a moment we will have the Golden Bail....' No, you won't.' We will,' stated the robot simply. No, you won't. It makes my ship work.' In a moment,' repeated the robot patiently, 'we will have the Golden Bail....' You will not,' said Zaphod. And then we must go,' said the robot, in all seriousness, 'to a party.' Oh,' said Zaphod, startled, 'can I come?' No,' said the robot, 'we are going to shoot you.' Oh, yeah?' said Zaphod, waggling his gun. Yes,' said the robot, and they shot him. Zaphod was so surprised that they had to shoot him again before he fell down. (85-86) humor robot Douglas Adams
668f7a6 New Rule: Stop putting all those pillows on the bed. Attention, interior designers, hotel maids, and real housewives of New Jersey: It's a bed, not an obstacle course. I'm sorry, baby, I'd like to make sweet love to you all night long, but by the time I get all that crap off your bed, I'm . A bed needs only two pillows: one to put my head on, and one to cuddle with and pretend it's Robert Pattinson. humor pillows Bill Maher
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