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6ca0bd1 Can't stand all these poisonous creatures, all these snakes and insects and fish and things. Wretched things, biting everybody. And then people expect me to tell them what to do about it. I'll tell them what to do. Don't get bitten in the first place. (quoting Dr. Struan Sutherland) humor inspirational Douglas Adams
d8f7490 Life makes fools of all of us sooner or later. But keep your sense of humor and you'll at least be able to take your humiliations with some measure of grace. In the end, you know, its our own expectations that crush us. humor life humiliation Paul Murray
569ffb1 "Orion brightened. "I have an idea." "Yes?" said Foaly, daring to hope that a spark of Artemis remained. "Why don't we look for some magic stones that can grant wishes? Or, if that doesn't work, you could search my naked body for some mysterious birthmark that means I am actually the prince of somewhere or other." humor birthmarks foaly complex atlantis orion Eoin Colfer
cf07750 I'm the crazy girly captain, Remember? humor Eoin Colfer
c467ee1 "She led the way. Eyeless sockets of the dead seemed to stare at them as they passed. "These are cool," Dan decided. "Maybe I could-" "No, Dan," Amy said. "You can't collect human bones." "Awww." humor dan-cahill bones collect Rick Riordan
5f69c68 "You think I'd cheat on you?" I demanded with all the innocent outrage I could muster. "With another guy, no. With a cheeseburger . . . in a heartbeat." romance humor Lisa Kleypas
3aa476b Most of the upper management of I.S. were undead. I always thought it was because the job was easier if you didn't have a soul. management humor Kim Harrison
57d2bb9 Believe me, It would be better if we didn't meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you're still a child. killing funny humor inspirational incentive interesting kind different Anthony Horowitz
d5dc1f5 If you would not be forgotten, as soon as you are dead and rotten, either write things worth reading, or do things worth writing. 1738 writing humor inspirational advice Benjamin Franklin
5af6e15 I disapprove of matrimony as a matter of principle.... Why should any independent, intelligent female choose to subject herself to the whims and tyrannies of a husband? I assure you, I have yet to meet a man as sensible as myself! (Amelia Peabody) marriage women humor intelligence intelligent matrimony husbands Elizabeth Peters
e28733d KNOW YOUR DOPE FIEND. YOUR LIFE MAY DEPEND ON IT! You will not be able to see his eyes because of the Tea-Shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension and his pants will be crusted with semen from constantly jacking off when he can't find a rape victim. He will stagger and babble when questioned. He will not respect your badge. The Dope Fiend fears nothing. He will attack, for no reason, with every weapon at his command-including yours. BEWARE. Any officer apprehending a suspected marijuana addict should use all necessary force immediately. One stitch in time (on him) will usually save nine on you. Good luck. -The Chief humor Hunter S. Thompson
1d1855c "Jace snorted so loudly that she turned on him with a frown. He wiggled his mud-caked fingers at her. His nails were black crescents. "Filthy inside and out." humor city-of-ashes jace mortal-instruments Cassandra Clare
a2c811b "Aye, well, he'll be wed a long time," he said callously. "Do him no harm to keep his breeches on for one night. And they do say that abstinence makes the heart grow firmer, no?" "Absence," I said, dodging the spoon for a moment. "AND fonder. If anything's growing firmer from abstinence, it wouldn't be his heart." humor jamie-fraser Diana Gabaldon
a9dee4a Nobody can be bad at everything. There's no such thing as a perfect screwup. humor Jim Butcher
11adbaf "Though Alec had never seen the occupants of the first floor loft, they seemed to be engaged in a tempestuous romance. Once there had been a bunch of someone's belongings strewn all over the landing with a note attached to a jacket lapel addressed to "A lying liar who lies." Right now there was a bouquet of flowers taped to the door with a card tucked among the blooms that read I'M SORRY. That was the thing about New York: you always knew more about your neighbors' business than you wanted to." funny humor neighbors romance-relationship city-of-lost-souls the-mortal-instruments apartment cassandra-clare new-york Cassandra Clare
7937dc9 "You see, I, unlike you, have been made a prefect, which means that I, unlike you, have the power to hand out punishments." "Yeah," said Harry, "but you, unlike me, are a git." humor prefect J.K. Rowling
9b5f9e2 No people whose word for 'yesterday' is the same as their word for 'tomorrow' can be said to have a firm grip on the time. time india past humor Salman Rushdie
ba9ff74 If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter. humor inspirational business crime mafia John Gottman (
3f649db "Yes!" Narissus unslung his bow and grabbed an arrow from his dusty quiver. "The first one who get that bronze, I will like you as much as I like me. I might even kiss you, right after I kiss my reflection!" "Oh my gods!" the nymphs squealed." humor bronze echo narissus nymphs hazel-levesque leo-valdez Rick Riordan
83cbb5b People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people. irony humorous humor ironic Terry Pratchett
b3f5041 I don't know about your true form, but the weight of your ego sure is pushing the crust of the earth toward the breaking point. humor ferro sarcasm harry-dresden Jim Butcher
8b23e26 "Ceres wanted a united front in the plant war." "The plant war," Percy said. "You're going to arm all the little grapes with tiny assault rifles?" war humor riffles grapes Rick Riordan
418d2c0 Fire wants to burn Water wants to flow Air wants to rise Earth wants to bind Chaos wants to devour Cal wants to live magic humor flow cal elements rise burn fire devour power Cassandra Clare
f77cb1b Vote for the man who promises least; he'll be the least disappointing. humor inspirational Bernard Baruch
e9b0a22 "Heaven has no taste." "Now-" "And not one single sushi restaurant." A look of pain crossed the angel's suddenly very serious face." humor sushi Neil Gaiman Terry Pratchett
1a8fc51 "Before I leave the bathroom, I pinch my cheeks hard to bring blood to the surface of my skin. It's stupid, but I don't want to look weak and exhausted in front of everyone. When I walk back into Tobias's room, Uriah is sprawled across the bed facedown; Christina is holding the blue sculpture above Tobias's desk, examining it; and Lynn is poised above Uriah with a pillow, a wicked grin creeping across her face. Lynn smacks Uriah hard in the back of the head, Christina says, "Hey Tris!" and Uriah cries, "Ow! How on earth do you make a pillow hurt, Lynn?" "My exceptional strength," she says. "Did you get smacked, Tris? One of your cheeks is bright red." I must not have pinched the other one hard enough. "No, it's just ... my morning glow." humor lynn uriah tris Veronica Roth
77802c0 "He's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing, right?" "Like what?" "Like hitting on you." "Ew. No, of course not. He doesn't see me that way." Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee. "What? You think he does?" "Sometimes he looks at you a little... oddly, that's all. Maybe you're right. Maybe he just wants you for your blood." "Again, Ew! What's with you this morning?" "Not enough coffee." funny humor myrnin michael-glass ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine shane-collins teacher vampire vampires Rachel Caine
62e921d "You humans, always eating. I'll make you soup. You can eat it while you keep working." Myrnin set aside his book and walked into the back of the lab. "Don't use the same beaker you used for poisons!" Claire yelled after him. He waved a pale hand. "I mean it!" funny humor the-morganville-vampires myrnin ghost-town rachel-caine vampires Rachel Caine
25b46e4 Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe. humor Christopher Moore
9652721 This was not a fairy-tale castle and there was no such thing as a fairy-tale ending, but sometimes you could threaten to kick the handsome prince in the ham-and-eggs. humor happy-end Terry Pratchett
4eb5af5 Hell's bells, irony blows. irony humor Jim Butcher
cb4dace You just noticed? You're slow... humor weird manga Tite Kubo
fb8ff8f "If you make some comment even obliquely alluding to menstruation or menopause and its effect on my judgment," Murphy interrupted, "I will break your arm in eleven places." humor karrin-murphy Jim Butcher
d39cd61 "The door buzzer sounded again. The two boys exchanged a single look before both bolting down the narrow hallway to the door. Jordan got there first. He grabbed for the coatrack that stood by the door, ripped the coats off it, and flung the door wide, the rack held aboe his head like a javelin. On the other side of the door was Jace. He blinked. "Is that a coatrack?" Jordan slammed the coatrack down on the ground and sighed. "If you'd been a vampire, this would have been a lot more useful." "Yes," said Jace. "Or, you know, just someone with a lot of coats." funny humor coatrack coats jordan-kyle city-of-fallen-angels the-mortal-instruments jace-lightwood jace-wayland simon-lewis Cassandra Clare
4a4ab82 "The last time I wore an animal hide; but this time I settled for this." Eric had been wearing a long trench coat. Now he threw it off dramatically, and I could only stand and stare. Normally, Eric was a blue-jeans-and-T-shirt kind of guy. Tonight, he wore a pink tank top and Lycra leggings[...]They were pink and aqua, like the swirls down the side of Jason's truck." romance humor true-blood sookie-stackhouse Charlaine Harris
1c8221d "Me," Artemis blurted. "I'm the nut." Artemis could have sworn the squid winked at him before bringing the five-ton chunk of spacecraft swinging down toward the morsel of meat in its blue shell. "I'm the nut!" Artemis shouted again, a little hysterically, it must be said." humor nut squid Eoin Colfer
06ff23f In this country we have no place for hyphenated Americans. equality politics humor inspirational country diversity Theodore Roosevelt
2e1f017 "Murphy hung up and I said, to the still-open line, "Hey, if you've got someone watching my place, could you call the cops if anyone tries to steal my Star Wars poster? It's an original." Then I vindictively hung up on the FBI. It made my inner child happy." humor karrin-murphy Jim Butcher
fb15d74 Harry Dresden. Saving the world, one act of random destruction at a time. heroism humor Jim Butcher
b071534 "They say you can know a man by his enemies, Dresden." He smiled, and laughter lurked beneath his next words, never quite surfacing. "You defy beings that should cow you into silence. You resist forces that are inevitable for no more reason than that you believe they should be resisted. You bow your head to neither demons nor angels, and you put yourself in harm's way to defend those who cannot defend themselves." He nodded slowly. "I think I like you." humor harry-dresden Jim Butcher
a3664b2 It's the idea that people living close to nature tend to be noble. It's seeing all those sunsets that does it. You can't watch a sunset and then go off and set fire to your neighbor's tepee. Living close to nature is wonderful for your mental health. nature humanity humor Daniel Quinn
30d5b9f rolf! what? are you really rolling on the floor laughing? well, please stay down there for a sec while I KICK YOUR ASS. humor acronyms emoticons internet-slang David Levithan
9e86e4d Books are to me as homemade tattoos are to an inmate. Can't get enough of them. humor love tattoos Laurie Notaro
f27e3bc Juliet's version of cleanliness was next to godliness, which was to say it was erratic, past all understanding and was seldom seen. humor Terry Pratchett
463c708 Are You Ready for New Urban Fragrances? Yeah, I guess I'm ready, but listen: Perfume is a disguise. Since the middle ages, we have worn masks of fruit and flowers in order to conceal from ourselves the meaty essence of our humanity. We appreciate the sexual attractant of the rose, the ripeness of the orange, more than we honor our own ripe carnality. Now today we want to perfume our cities, as well; to replace their stinging fumes of disturbed fossils' sleep with the scent of gardens and orchards. Yet, humans are not bees any more than they are blossoms. If we must pull an olfactory hood over our urban environment, let it be of a different nature. I want to travel on a train that smells like snowflakes. I want to sip in cafes that smell like comets. Under the pressure of my step, I want the streets to emit the precise odor of a diamond necklace. I want the newspapers I read to smell like the violins left in pawnshops by weeping hobos on Christmas Eve. I want to carry luggage that reeks of the neurons in Einstein's brain. I want a city's gases to smell like the golden belly hairs of the gods. And when I gaze at a televised picture of the moon, I want to detect, from a distance of 239,000 miles, the aroma of fresh mozzarella. humor senses Tom Robbins
b209b60 In the end, everything is a gag. humor inspirational Charlie Chaplin
961d14d "Percy looked at Coach Hedge and Frank. "A trap?" "Probably," Frank said. "She's not mortal," Hedge said, sniffing the air. "Probably some kind of goat-eating, demigod-destroying fiend from Tartarus." "No doubt," Percy agreed. "Awesome." Hedge grinned. "Let's go." humor percy-jackson percy-jackson-and-the-olympians the-mark-of-athena frank-zhang the-heroes-of-olympus Rick Riordan
68db654 "I stood my ground. "You evil scientist are all the same--evil. Count me out." Fang and I brushed past Mr. God and walked quickly but smoothly to the exit. It was barely noon, and I'd already made a huge enemy. Dang, I'm good." humor maxride maximum-ride James Patterson
c415659 Clary made fun of him about his new look; but, then, Clary found everything about Simon's love life borderline hilarious. humor love-life simon-lewis Cassandra Clare
215dc3c May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch revenge happy humour strife funny humor inspirational amusing malediction anger Keisha Keenleyside
60462ac "We?" Simon looked at him in disbelief. "Are you ever going home?" "What, bored with my company already?" "Let me ask you something," Simon said. "Do you find me fascinating to be around?" "What was that?" Jace said. "Sorry, I think I fell asleep for a moment. Do, continue with whatever mesmerizing thing you were saying." humor jace-wayland simon-lewis Cassandra Clare
ca19741 "I can see why you like it here," he said,making a sweeping gesture that encompassed Kyle's collection of movie posters and science fiction books. "There's a thin layer of nerd all over everything." said Jace. "Thanks. I appreciate that." Simon gave Jace a hard look." humor jace-lightwood Cassandra Clare
495b526 I've had a tense couple of days. And I've got to tell you, burning someone's face off sounds like a great way to relax. humor Jim Butcher
6640e50 "The floor is solid metal in some places and metal grating in others. Everything smells like rotting garbage and fire. "Don't say I never took you anywhere nice," Peter says. "Wouldn't dream of it," I say." humor Veronica Roth
974c816 Tis an ill cook that cannot lick his own fingers. humor William Shakespeare
5c41f33 Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy. metaphor humor no-mercy old-testament gods Joseph Campbell
15c8cef "You know," she said dreamily, passing over his question, "you're not nearly as handsome as Lord St.Vincent." "There's a surprise," he said dryly. "But for some reason," she continued, "I never want to kiss him the way I do you." It was a good thing that she had closed her eyes, for if she had seen his expression, she might not have continued. "There is something about you that makes me feel terribly wicked. You make me want to do shocking things. Maybe it's because you're so proper. Your necktie is never crooked, and your shoes are always shiny. And your shirts are so starchy. Sometimes when I look at you, I want to tear off all your buttons. Or set your trousers on fire." romance humor Lisa Kleypas
3d89ef6 "Akmon pulled a ratchet wrench from the tool belt and spun it like a noisemaker. "Oh, very nice! I'm definitely keeping this! Thanks, Blue Bottom!" Leo glanced down. His pants had slipped around his ankles again, revealing his blue undershorts. "That's it!" he shouted. "My stuff. Now. Or I'll show you how funny a flaming dwarf is." His hands caught fire." humor leo-valdez Rick Riordan
2906d18 If you have ever seen a dragon in a pinch, you will realize that this was only poetical exaggeration applied to any hobbit, even to Old Took's great-grand-uncle Bullroarer, who was so huge (for a hobbit) that he could ride a horse. He charged the ranks of the goblins of Mount Gram in the Battle of the Green Fields, and knocked their king Golfimbul's head clean off with a wooden club. It sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit-hole, and in this way the battle was won and the game of Golf invented at the same moment. funny humor invention-of-golf hobbits J.R.R. Tolkien
bc9bafb "Yes...and I'm worried that if you get into the habit of making out with your instructors, you'll wind up making out with him too." "Don't be sexist. They could find me a female instructor." "In that case, you have my permission to make out with her as long as I can watch." romantic humor mrotal-instruments clary-and-jace Cassandra Clare
d8e4d8c I ran three miles, staggered into the lobby, and took the elevator back to my apartment. No point to overdoing this exercise junk. --Stephanie Plum exercise humor plum stephanie-plum Janet Evanovich
7efb2fa Alanna: All I know is that I'm to jump when I'm told and I have no free time. friends humor Tamora Pierce
50e1bdf Nothing gives you confidence like being a member of a small, weirdly specific, hard-to-find demographic. dreams friendship humor life inspirational Mindy Kaling
1796a5e "Myrnin, who hadn't said much, suddenly reached out and wrapped his arms around her. She stiffened, shocked, and for a panicked second wondered whether he'd suddenly decided to snack on her neck... but it was just a hug. His body felt cold against hers, and way too close, but then he let go and stepped back. "You've done very well. I'm extremely proud of you," he said. There was a touch of color high in his pale cheeks. "Do go home now. And shower. You reek like the dead." Which, coming from a vampire, was pretty rich." funny humor myrnin ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine vampire vampires Rachel Caine
3f7eb78 If your opponent has you by fifty pounds, winning a fight against him is a dubious proposition, at best. If your opponent has you by eight thousand and fifty pounds, you've left the realm of combat and enrolled yourself in Road-kill 101. Or possibly in a Tom and Jerry cartoon. humor Jim Butcher
874f745 "So Dobby stopped us from getting on the train and broke your arm. . . ." He shook his head. "You know what, Harry? If he doesn't stop trying to save your life he's going to kill you." humor ron-weasley J.K. Rowling
fefa230 "Lea stood upon a fallen log ahead of us, staring ahead. Mouse walked up to her. Gggrrrr rawf arrrgggrrrrarrrr," I said. Mouse gave me an impatient glance, and somehow--I don't know if it was something in his body language or what--I became aware that he was telling me to sit down and shut up or he'd come over and make me. I sat down. Something in me really didn't like that idea, but when I looked around, I saw that everyone else had done it too, and that made me feel better. Mouse said, again in what sounded like perfectly clear English, "Funny. Now restore them." Lea turned to look at the big dog and said, "Do you dare to give me commands, hound?" Not your hound," Mouse said. I didn't know how he was doing it. His mouth wasn't moving or anything. "Restore them before I rip your ass off. Literally rip it off." The Leanansidhe tilted her head back and let out a low laugh. "You are far from your sources of power here, my dear demon." I live with a wizard. I cheat." He took a step toward her and his lips peeled up from his fangs in unmistakable hostility. "You want to restore them? Or do I kill you and get them back that way?" Lea narrowed her eyes. Then she said, "You're bluffing." One of the big dog's huge, clawed paws dug at the ground, as if bracing him for a leap, and his growl seemed to . . . I looked down and checked. It didn't seem to shake the ground. The ground was actually shaking for several feet in every direction of the dog. Motes of blue light began to fall from his jaws, thickly enough that it looked quite a bit like he was foaming at the mouth. "Try me." The Leanansidhe shook her head slowly. Then she said, "How did Dresden ever win you?" He didn't," Mouse said. "I won him." humor mouse leanansidhe karrin-murphy sanya thomas-raith molly-carpenter harry-dresden Jim Butcher
6c7c6cd A succubus on the set. Strike that, the health-conscious kid sister made it two... succubuses. Succubusees? Succubi? Stupid Latin correspondence course. humor lara-raith Jim Butcher
40a2201 hermes has threatened me with slow mail. lousy Internet service and a horrible stock market if i publish this story. I hope he is just bluffing. humor percabeth heroes-of-olympus percy-jackson rick-riordan Rick Riordan
5cf983c Most helmsmen would've been satisfied with a pilot's wheel or a tiller. Leo had also installed a keyboard, monitor, aviation controls from a Learjet, a dubstep soundboard, and motion-control sensors from a Nintendo Wii. He could turn the ship by pulling on the throttle, fire weapons by sampling an album, or raise sails by shaking his Wii controllers really fast. Even by demigod standards, Leo was seriously ADHD. humor Rick Riordan
6947a65 "That's the problem with you nearly immortal types," I said. "You couldn't spot a pop culture reference if it skittered up and implanted an embryo down your esophagus." humor harry-dresden Jim Butcher
06cec1b I have nightmares about hell, where all I do is add up numbers and try to have conversations with people like you. humor harry-dresden Jim Butcher
1b3013e "You okay?" "Fine." "Your heart's beating really fast." "Gee, thanks. That's very comforting that you can hear it." He smiled, and it was the old Michael, the one she'd first met before all the vamp stuff. "Yeah, I know it is. Sorry. Just stay behind me if there's trouble." "You sound like Shane." "Well, he did say he'd kill me if I got you hurt. I'm just looking after my own neck." "Liar." funny humor eve-rosser michael-glass ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine shane-collins teacher vampires Rachel Caine
7e09a91 "Listen, Peaches, is what humans are all about," said the voice of Maurice. "They're so keen on tricking one another all the time that they elect governments to do it for them." politics humor voting trickery sarcasm Terry Pratchett
6070614 A witch, a vampire, and a pixy walk into a bar, I thought as I led the way into the Squirrel's End. It was early, and the sun had yet to set when the door swung shut behind Jenks, sealing us in the warm air smelling faintly of smoke. Immediately Nick yanked it open to come in behind us. And there's the punch line. romance humor rachel-morgan vampire Kim Harrison
b2cd3a2 Riza: Without his Alchemy he's just... Jean: A little brat who swears a lot Maes: An arrogant pipsqueak Roy: Useless. Just useless Alphonse: Sorry big brother, I don't know how to add to that... Ed *starts to cry*: YOU'RE ALL PICKING ON ME!!! fiction science humor alchemist fullmetal Hiromu Arakawa
e07d18c There were people who believed their opportunities to live a fulfilled life were hampered by the number of Asians in England, by the existance of a royal family, by the volume of traffic that passed by their house, by the malice of trade unions, by the power of callous employers, by the refusal of the health service to take their condition seriously, by communism, by capitalism, by atheism, by anything, in fact, but their own futile, weak-minded failure to get a fucking grip. humor satire Stephen Fry
e473ad5 How long have you been a Wiccan?' 'A what?' 'A pagan. A witch.' 'I'm not a witch,' I said, glancing out the door. 'I'm a wizard.' Sanya frowned. 'What is the difference?' 'Wizard has a Z' He looked at me blankly. 'No one appreciates me.' I muttered. humor wizard Jim Butcher
a76feab Rule of life. If you bother to ask someone's advice, then bother to listen to it. humor life Sophie Kinsella
b14b89e Simplicity, simplicity, simplicity! I say, let your affairs be as two or three, and not a hundred or a thousand; instead of a million count half a dozen, and keep your accounts on your thumb nail. humor tyson percy-jackson Henry David Thoreau
6ba249e "She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he's not... you know, better." "Define BETTER with that guy." "Not all fangs and raaaaar." funny humor myrnin michael-glass ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine shane-collins teacher vampire vampires Rachel Caine
c8c39f1 "This is very similar to the suggestion put forward by the Quirmian philosopher Ventre, who said, "Possibly the gods exist, and possibly they do not. So why not believe in them in any case? If it's all true you'll go to a lovely place when you die, and if it isn't then you've lost nothing, right?" When he died he woke up in a circle of gods holding nasty-looking sticks and one of them said, "We're going to show you what we think of Mr Clever Dick in these parts..." humor Terry Pratchett
907ba68 And a special thanks for not burning up the whole ship. Including yourself, you daft bum-rag. humor ship mistakes fire Scott Westerfeld
d6065ec Kyo: Of course, I'll beat YOU, too! Yuki: Don't you ever get tired of saying that? Kyo: Beating you is my vocation! It's my goal in life! Yuki: It's so unfair that I keep having to take abuse just because you can't meet your goals. Kyo: THAT CONDESCENDING ATTITUDE OF YOURS REALLY PISSES ME OFF! Yuki: And that revolting thought process of yours pisses me off. humor fight condescending Natsuki Takaya
cbcc293 You don't always have to kiss a lot of frogs to recognize a prince when you find on humor inspirational Julia Quinn
3b41530 "Doubtful, but it did work... "Annabeth?" Percy said again. "You're planning something. You've got that I'm-planning-something look." "I don't have an I'm-planning-something look." "Yeah, you totally do. Your eyebrows knit and your lips press together and ---" "Do you have a pen?" she asked him. "You're kidding, right?" He brought out Riptide. "Yes, but can you actually write with it?" "I--I don't know," he admitted. "Never tried." humor percy-jackson Rick Riordan
ea4a7f9 When I was little I bragged about my firefighting father: my father would go to heaven, because if he went to hell he would put out all the fires heaven humor firefighting kate-fitzgerald father hell Jodi Picoult
083ed05 "You can have everything in the world, but if you don't have love, none of it means crap," he said promptly. "Love is patient. Love is kind. Love always forgives, trusts, supports, and endures. Love never fails. When every star in the heavens grows cold, and when silence lies once more on the face of the deep, three things will endure: faith, hope, and love." And the greatest of these is love," I finished. "That's from the Bible." First Corinthians, chapter thirteen," Thomas confirmed. "I paraphrased. Father makes all of us memorize that passage. Like when parents put those green yucky-face stickers on the poisonous cleaning products under the kitchen sink." humor love thomas-raith Jim Butcher
853cd44 God helps those who strut their stuff. motivational humor inspirational humor-inspirational life-philosophy Dan Sofer
7b4ba30 "You're such a cynic," Molly said. "I think cynics are playful and cute." humor molly-carpenter harry-dresden Jim Butcher
4eaafc6 Don't call me a dinosaur. It isn't fair to the dinosaurs. What did a dinosaur ever do to you? humor harry-dresden Jim Butcher
899a5c7 "A singer can shatter glass with the proper high note," he said, "but the simplest way to break glass is simply to drop it on the floor." meaning reason humor lestat singer luxury logic vampire Anne Rice
e0c2707 "The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy offers this definition of the word "Infinite". Infinite: Bigger than the biggest thing ever and then some. Much bigger than that in fact, really amazingly immense, a totally stunning size, "wow, that's big", time. Infinity is just so big that by comparison, bigness itself looks really titchy. Gigantic multiplied by colossal multiplied by staggeringly huge is the sort of concept we're trying to get across here." humor douglas-adams Douglas Adams
bd147a8 "[Tyson] looked him over with that massive baby-brown eye. "You are not dead. I like it when you are not dead." Ella fluttered to the ground and began preening her feathers. "Ella found a dog," she announced. "A large dog. And a Cyclops." Was she blushing? Before Percy could decide, his black mastiff pounced on him, knocking Percy to the ground and barking so loudly that even Arion backed up. "Hey, Mrs. O'Leary," Percy said. "Yeah, I love you, too, girl. Good dog." Hazel squeaked. "You have a hellhound named Mrs. O'Leary?" "Long story." humor percy-jackson-and-te-olympians mrs-o-leary son-of-neptune tyson heroes-of-olympus hazel-levesque Rick Riordan
187d386 The food was so good that with each passing course, our conversation devolved further into fragmented celebrations of its deliciousness: 'I want this dragon carrot risotto to become a person so I can take it to Las Vegas and marry it. humor john-green hazel-grace the-fault-in-our-stars John Green
0e87075 It was one of those cases where you approve the broad, general principle of an idea but can't help being in a bit of a twitter at the prospect of putting it into practical effect. I explained this to Jeeves, and he said much the same thing had bothered Hamlet. shakespeare humor jeeves hesitation hamlet P.G. Wodehouse
f400117 It came charging toward me, several hundred pounds of angry-looking monster, and I did the only thing any reasonable wizard could have done. I turned around and ran like hell. humor Jim Butcher
b9ed1da Chairmen Meow deserves me every effort. humor mortal-instruments Cassandra Clare
7c7be1b It's okay to be a loser, it just depends on how good you are at being one. humor inspirational Billie Joe Armstrong
8672633 -Oh yes? Can you identify yourself? -Certainly. I'd know me anywhere. humorous humor witty-quotes satire funny-and-random wit Terry Pratchett
e182c46 I feel an almost overwhelming interest in the methods of daylight abduction employed by the modern youth. humor modern-youth Georgette Heyer
0f52f3a If I was on the road to Hell, at least I was going in style. humor Jim Butcher
befe081 "Here," Myrnin said, his voice still gentle and low. "Amelie said you had to work. No one said you had to work alone." He picked up the next part and slotted it in, took the screwdriver from Claire's numbed fingers, and fastened it with a couple of deft, fast movements. "I'll be your hands." She wanted to cry, because it was so sweet, but it wouldn't do any good." funny humor myrnin ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine vampire vampires Rachel Caine
9beafba We scarified a mosquito. I bet that's what did it. It was probably a virgin too. humor Kelley Armstrong
64f02d9 "All right, then," she snapped, "do as you please! Perhaps afterward we could manage a coherent discussion." Twisting beneath him, she flopped onto her stomach. Christopher went still. After a long hesitation, she heard him ask in a far more normal voice, "What are you doing?" "I'm making it easier for you," came her defiant reply. "Go on, start ravishing." Another silence. Then, "Why are you facing downward?" "Because that's how it's done." Beatrix twisted to look at him over her shoulder. A twinge of uncertainty caused her to ask, "Isn't it?" His face was blank. "Has no one ever told you?" "No, but I've read about it." Christopher rolled off her, relieving her of his weight. He wore an odd expression as he asked, "From what books?" "Veterinary manuals. And of course, I've observed the squirrels in springtime, and farm animals and-" She was interrupted as Christopher cleared his throat loudly, and again. Darting a confused glance at him, she realized that he was trying to choke back amusement. Beatrix began to feel indignant. Her first time in a bed with a man, and he was laughing. "Look here," she said in a businesslike manner, "I've read about the mating habits of over two dozen species, and with the exception of snails, whose genitalia is on their necks, they all--" She broke off and frowned. "Why are you laughing at me? Christopher had collapsed, overcome with hilarity. As he lifted his head and saw her affronted expression, he struggled manfully with another outburst. "Beatrix. I'm . . . I'm not laughing at you." "You are!" "No I'm not. It's just . . ." He swiped a tear from the corner of his eye, and a few more chuckles escaped. "Squirrels . . ." "Well, it may be humorous to you, but it's a very serious matter to the squirrels." sex romance humor Lisa Kleypas
5e20917 "Grabbing a scarf off the chair, I threw it at him. He caught it, clutching it to his chest as he flew into the air. "You gave Tink a scarf. Tink is free!" He flew out into the hallway like a little cracked-out fairy, screeching, "Tink is freeeeee!" Ren looked at me. "What the actual f**k?" I sighed. "He's obsessed with Harry Potter. I'm sorry." Tink darted back into the room, holding the scarf to his bare chest. "There is no reason to apologize when it comes to Harry Potter." "You do remember what happened to Dobby, right?" I said. "S**t." Tink's eyes widened and he dropped the scarf." harry-potter humor tink ren wicked Jennifer L. Armentrout
fc73b7f Home is where, when you go there and tell people to get out, they have to leave. humor Jim Butcher
52ec8be Atheism is not a philosophy; it is not even a view of the world; it is simply an admission of the obvious. In fact, 'atheism' is a term that should not even exist. No one needs to identify himself as a 'non-astrologer' or a 'non-alchemist.' We do not have words for people who doubt that Elvis is still alive or that aliens have traversed the galaxy only to molest ranchers and cattle. Atheism is nothing more than the noises reasonable people make in the presence of unjustified religious beliefs. humor philosophy elvis-presley religious-beliefs galaxy justification atheism atheist elvis obvious Sam Harris
37a026f Things that try to look like things often do look more like things than things. humor Terry Pratchett
a6fdefc Wrath: What the hell are you supposed to ask? Rhage: I know! Who do you like the most? It's me right?Come on, you know it is. Come oooooonnnnn- Butch: If its you,, I'll kill myself. V: No, that just means she's blind. Rhage: It has to be me. V: She said she didn't like you at first. Rhage: Ah, but I won her over, which is more than anyone else can say about you, hot stuff. J.R.: I don't like anyone the best Wrath: Right answer. Rhage: She's just sparing all of you feelings. (grins, becoming impossibly handsome) She's so polite. J.R.: Next question? Rhage: Why do you like me the best? humor rhage J.R. Ward
20dbb19 "Myrnin turned away to pick up his Ben Franklin spectacles, balanced them on his nose, and looked over them to say, "Don't do drugs. I feel I ought to say that." funny humor myrnin ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine vampire vampires Rachel Caine
0095357 "Izzy, are you--" he began. His eyes flew wide, and he backed up fast enough to smack his head into the wall behind him. "What is he doing here?" Isabelle tugged her tank top back down and glared at her brother. "You don't knock now?" "It--It's my bedroom!" Alec spluttered. He seemed to be deliberately trying not to look at Izzy and Simon, who were indeed in a very compromising position. Simon rolled quickly off Isabelle, who sat up, brushing herself off as if for lint. Simon sat up more slowly, trying to hold the torn edges of his shirt together. "Why are all my clothes on the floor?" Alec said. "I was trying to find something for Simon to wear," Isabelle explained. "Maureen put him in leather pants and a puffy shirt because he was being her romance-novel slave." "He was being her what?" "Her romance-novel slave," Isabelle repeated, as if Alec were being particularly dense. Alec shook his head as if he were having a bad dream. "You know what? Don't explain. Just--put your clothes on, both of you." -- humor isabelle-lightwood simon-lewis Cassandra Clare
3510a45 "And spare me the jokes about scoring." "Dammit, woman, you read my mind," he said. "Is there no filthy wordplay you can't forsee?" "It's my special magical power. I can read your mind when you're thinking dirty thoughts." "So, ninety-five percent of the time." humor jace-lightwood Cassandra Clare
2019653 And in what fairy tale would John ever be any sane person's idea of Prince Charming anyway? He was the opposite of charming. More like Prince Terrifying. fairy-tales humor prince-charming terror Meg Cabot
14d89d8 You know, Miss Holly, you look very dramatic like that, backlit by the fire. Very attractive, if I may say so. I know you shared a moment passionne with Artemis which he subsequently fouled up with his typical boorish behavior. Let me just throw something out there for you to consider while we're chasing the probe: I share Artemis's passion but not his boorishness. No pressure; just think about it. This was enough to elicit a deafening moment of silence even in the middle of a crisis, which Orion seemed to be blissfully unaffected by. humor love orion flirting Eoin Colfer
b7c582a It's safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won't be able to smoke anywhere in America. humor David Sedaris
be09341 Sullen monosyllabism, a sure sign of sleep deprivation. humor waldo-butters Jim Butcher
e14dc4c "She made an impatient noise. "By the Angel, you don't know anything about your kid, do you? Do you even really know how vampires are made?" "Well, when a mommy vampire and a daddy vampire love each other very much ... " funny humor city-of-fallen-angels the-mortal-instruments isabelle-lightwood simon-lewis vampire Cassandra Clare
d02a89b Join us next time for Days of the Undead when Rachel learns her long lost brother is really a crown prince from outer space. romance humor rachel-morgan vampire Kim Harrison
6cbf60a "Sure," she said, and hugged the laptop bag closer. "What could go wrong?" Michael's eyes flashed to meet hers in the rearview mirror. Besides everything, I mean," she said." humor morganville-vampires Rachel Caine
acbd856 Chuck Parson did not participate in organized sports, because to do so would distract from his larger goal of his life: to one day be convicted of murder humor John Green
62aad31 "I'm a Christian first, and a mean-spirited, bigoted conservative second, and don't you ever forget it. You know who else was kind of "divisive" in terms of challenging the status quo and the powers-that-be of his day? Jesus Christ." politics humor Ann Coulter
daa3a05 "Anybody have any money?" Frank checked his pockets. "Three denarii from Camp Jupiter. Five dollars Canadian." Hedge patted his gym shorts and pulled out what he found. "Three quarters, two dimes, a rubber band and--score! A piece of celery." He started munching on the celery, eyeing the change and the rubber band like they might be next." -- money humor percy-jackson percy-jackson-and-the-olympians the-mark-of-athena frank-zhang the-heroes-of-olympus food Rick Riordan
3d91d6a "Anybody have any money?" Frank checked his pockets. "Three denarii from Camp Jupiter. Five dollars Canadian." Hedge patted his gym shorts and pulled out what he found. "Three quarters, two dimes, a rubber band and--score! A piece of celery." He started munching on the celery, eyeing the change and the rubber band like they might be next." money humor percy-jackson percy-jackson-and-the-olympians the-mark-of-athena frank-zhang the-heroes-of-olympus food Rick Riordan
8cb4002 I tried to think of something to say. Excuse me? Hello? Marry me? Anything would have done. romance humor sadie Rick Riordan
6d073a5 "Nothing is safe from you. If I were to court a girl who lived on an iceberg in the middle of the ocean, sooner or later-- probably sooner-- I'd look up to see you swooping overhead on a broomstick. In fact, by now I'd be disappointed in you if I didn't see you." "Are you off to the iceberg today?" Sophie retorted." humor Diana Wynne Jones
70fb089 Because he has the best equipment in the City and he knows how to use it! humor kate Ilona Andrews
07d1cda "Oliver laughed - actually laughed."I like this new Claire," he said. "You should work her this hard all the time, Myrnin. She's interesting when she's forthright." Claire, possessed by the spirit of Eve, shot him the finger. Which made him laugh again, shake his head, and walk up the steps." funny humor ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine oliver vampires Rachel Caine
933305d But money spent while manic doesn't fit into the Internal Revenue Service concept of medical expense or business loss. So after mania, when most depressed, you're given excellent reason to be even more so. humor manic mania mental-illness psychology Kay Redfield Jamison
9542881 Hell's holy stars and freaking stones shit bells. humor harry-dresden Jim Butcher
a2a7704 I'm dealing with a lot of scary things. I think you have to react to them. And you either laugh at them or you go insane. humor life Jim Butcher
9f94843 "She smiled again. "Do you like cat?" she said. "Yes," said Richard. "I quite like cats." Anaesthesia looked relieved. "Thigh?" she asked, "or breast?" humor Neil Gaiman
2eed698 "Quick, Derek, it's your chance to shine," Ascanio said. Derek gave him a withering look. "Desandra is a mother, Robert is married, Kate's affianced, and I'm an old soul. You're the closest thing to a virgin we've got. Get on with growing some flowing locks." humor derek kate-daniels banter Ilona Andrews
e368c19 That's chess!" snapped Ron. "You've got to make some sacrifices! humor inspirational J.K. Rowling
be64842 "I figured something out," he said aloud. "The future is unpredictable." Hassan said, "Sometimes the kafir likes to say massively obvious things in a really profound voice." humor John Green
312a794 The greater part of the world's troubles are due to questions of grammar. world humor misunderstandings problems troubles grammar Michel de Montaigne
f3226eb "Right, you've got a crooked sort of cross..." He consulted Unfogging the Future. "That means you're going to have 'trials and suffering' -- sorry about that -- but there's a thing that could be the sun... hang on... that means 'great happiness'... so you're going to suffer but be very happy..." "You need your Inner Eye tested, if you ask me," said Ron, and they both had to stifle their laughs as Professor Trelawney gazed in their direction." suffering happy humor ron-weasley J.K. Rowling
90a7388 Listen, street punk. You're a guy, and you're a couple inches taller, and maybe forty pounds heavier, and ooh, you're in a gang. But I've survived ten years of Catholic school, and I will cut you off at your knees without a blink. Do you understand? humor maxride ratchet star James Patterson
73677a3 It took teams of LEP warlocks to slow down time for a few hours; the magic required to open a door to the tunnel was stupendous. It would be easier to shoot down the moon. Opal tapped this into her notepad. Reminder. Shoot down the moon? Viable? fun humor Eoin Colfer
450af3e Excuse me? Tonight you represent every dateless woman in this city, every woman who's about to sit down to a lonely meal of Weight Watchers past primavera she's just nuked in the microwave. Every woman who will get into bed tonight with a book or reruns of Sex and the City as her only companion. You are our shining hope....But no pressure. humor Nora Roberts
ff9dc60 " "If, with the literate, I am Impelled to try an epigram, I never seek to take the credit; We all assume that Oscar said it. humor epigrams oscar-wilde tribute wit Dorothy Parker
cf7f317 "Tessa exploded "I am not asking you to maul me in the Whispering Gallery! By the Angel, Will, would you stop being so polite?!" He looked at her in amazement. "But wouldn't you rather-" "I would not rather. I don't want you to be polite! I want you to be Will! I don't want you to indicate points of architectural interest to me as if you were a Baedecker guide! I want you to say dreadfully mad, funny things, and make up songs and be-" The Will I fell in love with, she almost said. "And be Will," she finished instead. "Or I shall strike you with my umbrella." "I am trying to court you," Will said in exasperation. "Court you properly. That's what all this has been about. You know that, don't you?" "Mr. Rochester never courted Jane Eyre," Tessa pointed out. "No, he dressed up as a woman and terrified the poor girl out of her wits. Is that what you want?" "You would make a very ugly woman." "I would not. I would be stunning." Tessa laughed. "There," she said. "There is Will. Isn't that better? Don't you think so?" "I don't know," Will said, eyeing her. I'm afraid to answer that. I've heard that when I speak, it makes American women wish to strike me with umbrellas." Tessa laughed again, and then they were both laughing, their smothered giggles bouncing off the walls of the Whispering Gallery. After that, things were decidedly easier between them, and Will's smile when he helped her down from the carriage on their return home, was bright and real." humor love p-522 tessa-grey umbrellas william-herondale jane-eyre Cassandra Clare
a37e4a5 "Perhaps not," said Will, who had ears like a bat's. "But I would make a radiant bride." humor sass william-herondale will Cassandra Clare
b9c652f Philosophy of science is about as useful to scientists as ornithology is to birds. science humor inspirational philosophy-of-science Richard Feynman
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