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57b26f3 I could see that, if not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled. humor disgruntlement P.G. Wodehouse
49e9a76 "Huh," Leo said. "Well, if you ever get off this island and want a job, let me know. You're not a total klutz." She smirked. "A job, eh?" Making things in your forge?" "Nah, we could start our own shop," Leo said, surprising himself. Starting a machine shop had always been one of his dreams, but he'd never told anyone about it. "Leo and Calypso's Garage: Auto Repair and Mechanical Monsters." funny humor love leo-valdez Rick Riordan
ca83128 You backbiting, poisonous, treacherous, deceitful, wicked, girl. If this works I'll buy you a pony. humor harry-dresden Jim Butcher
58265d4 "Yes Yes when God created love he didn't help most when God created dogs He didn't help dogs when God created plants that was average when God created hate we had a standard utility when God created me He created me when God created the monkey He was asleep when He created the giraffe He was drunk when He created narcotics He was high and when He created suicide He was low when He created you lying in bed He knew what He was doing He was drunk and He was high and He created the mountains and the sea and fire at the same time He made some mistakes passion women humor Charles Bukowski
d2a8aa5 It's just that in the Deep South, women learn at a young age that when the world is falling apart around you, it's time to take down the drapes and make a new dress. humor inspirational gone-with-the-wind encouragement Karen Moning
2dc528f And it's Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle-- Flint alongside her --poke him in the eye, Angelina --it was a joke, professor, it was a joke... humor joke J.K. Rowling
5d0202b Dude, I don't want to talk about Lacey's prom shoes. And I'll tell you why: I have this thing that makes me really uninterested in prom shoes. It's called a penis. humor masculinity John Green
99df7b9 "Right," she said, "We're going to the Land of the Dead and I shouldn't think negative." positive humor negative underworld percy-jackson Rick Riordan
2ad648b "Everyone thinks you've been kidnapped," he said. "We've been scouring the ship. When Coach Hedge finds out- oh, gods, you've been here all night?" "Frank!" Annabeth's ears were as red as strawberries. "We just came down here to talk. We fell asleep. Accidentally. That's it." "Kissed a couple of times," Percy said. Annabeth glared at him. "Not helping!" kissing funny humor oh-my-god-percy otp-foreva lol Rick Riordan
9cb3acf "Isabelle snorted, "All the boys gay. In this truck, anyway. Well, not you, Simon." "You noticed," said Simon. "I think of myself as a freewheeling bisexual," added Magnus. "Please never say those words in front of my parents," said Alec." funny humor bisexual city-of-lost-souls isabelle-lightwood magnus-bane simon-lewis mortal-instruments cassandra-clare gay Cassandra Clare
247390f "He leaned forward to inspect her closer. "Is that all hair?" ... Sudden, overwhelming panic clawed up Cress's throat. With a squeak, she ducked out of view of the camera and scrambled beneath the desk. Her back struck the wall with a thud that rattled her teeth. She crouched there, skin burning hot and pulse thundering as she took in the room before her-- the room that he was now seeing too, with the rumpled bedcovers and the mustached man on all the screens telling her to grab her imaginary partner and swing them around. "Wha--where'd she go?" Thorne's voice came to her through the screen. "Honestly, Thorne." A girl. Linh Cinder? "Do you ever think before you speak?" "What? What did I say?" " 'Is that all hair?' " "Did you see it? It was like a cross between a magpie nest and ball of yarn after it's been mauled by a cheetah." A beat. Then, "A cheetah?" "It was the first big cat that came to mind." humor cress thorne Marissa Meyer
f1b2bc4 "Five syllables," Apollo said, counting them on his fingers. "That would be real bad." humor Rick Riordan
4e2ae80 Freddie experienced the sort of abysmal soul-sadness which afflicts one of Tolstoy's Russian peasants when, after putting in a heavy day's work strangling his father, beating his wife, and dropping the baby into the city's reservoir, he turns to the cupboards, only to find the vodka bottle empty. sorrow humor moroseness tolstoy satire russia P.G. Wodehouse
3d54a53 He'd changed since the last summer. Instead of Bermuda shorts and a T-shirt, he wore a button-down shirt, khaki pants, and leather loafers. His sandy hair, which used to be so unruly, was now clipped short. He look like an evil male model, showing off what the fashionable college-age villain was wearing to Harvard this year. humor Rick Riordan
f6ff96a I'm not absolutely certain of the facts, but I rather fancy it's Shakespeare who says that it's always just when a fellow is feeling particularly braced with things in general that Fate sneaks up behind him with the bit of lead piping. humor pessimism P. G. Wodehouse
db9fb6d Laughter is carbonated holiness. laughter humor inspirational Anne Lamott
8c4410f Progress just means bad things happen faster. philosphy humor life truth Terry Pratchett
ba2c2b5 As I got closer to the fence, I held my shirt over my nose to block the smell. One stallion waded through the muck and whinnied angrily at me. He bared his teeth, which were pointed like a bear's. I tried to talk to him in my mind. I can do that with most horses. I told him. The horse said. I protested. Usually this gets me VIP treatment in the equestrian world, not this time. The horse agreed enthusiastically. The other horses chimed in as they waded through the field. humor horse seafood poseidon percy-jackson Rick Riordan
bd21fdc "Hey, look--your humor puberty insults Eoin Colfer
e961674 We fatties have a bond, dude. It's like a secret society. We got all kinds of shit you don't know about. Handshakes, special fat people dances-we got these secret fugging lairs in the center of the earth and we go down there in the middle of the night when all the skinny kids are sleeping and eat cake and friend chicken and shit. Why d'you think Hollis is still sleeping, kafir? Because we were up all night in the secret lair injecting butter frosting into our veins. ...A fatty trusts another fatty. humor John Green
7bb652f "I don't think you should be an Auror, Harry," said Luna unexpectedly. Everybody looked at her. "The Aurors are part of the Rotfang Conspiracy, I thought everyone knew that. They're working to bring down the Ministry of Magic from within using a mixture of dark magic and gum disease." harry-potter humor gum-disease conspiracy ministry-of-magic luna-lovegood J.K. Rowling
dcb9a1a And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn't. humor inspirational Stephen Chbosky
7854347 Ask us no questions and we'll tell you no lies. humor fred-weasley J.K. Rowling
6e76d1a "Did you see me disarm Hermione, Harry?" "Only once" said Hermione stung. "I got you loads more then you got me--" "I did not only get you once, I got you at least three times--" "Well if you're counting the one where you tripped over your own feet and knocked the wand out of my hand--" harry-potter humor hermione-granger ron-weasley J.K. Rowling
d8a1c1f I was once reproved by a minister who was driving a poor beast to some meeting-house horse-sheds among the hills of New Hampshire, because I was bending my steps to a mountain-top on the Sabbath, instead of a church, when I would have gone farther than he to hear a true word spoken on that or any day. He declared that I was 'breaking the Lord's fourth commandment,' and proceeded to enumerate, in a sepulchral tone, the disasters which had befallen him whenever he had done any ordinary work on the Sabbath. He really thought that a god was on the watch to trip up those men who followed any secular work on this day, and did not see that it was the evil conscience of the workers that did it. . There are few things more disheartening and disgusting than when you are walking the streets of a strange village on the Sabbath, to hear a preacher shouting like a boatswain in a gale of wind, and thus harshly profaning the quiet atmosphere of the day. america humor truth fourth-commandment profane the-lord country sabbath profanity new-hampshire minister church secular superstition Henry David Thoreau
0f48ac7 "That's brain tissue. How can you-?" Claire shut her mouth, fast. "Never mind. I don't think I wanna know." "Truly, I think that's best. Please take it." He showed his teeth briefly in a very unsettling grin. "I'm giving you a piece of my mind." "I so wish you hadn't said that." humor vampires Rachel Caine
ddc9d43 We lay there and looked up at the night sky and she told me about stars called blue squares and red swirls and I told her I'd never heard of them. Of course not, she said, the really important stuff they never tell you. You have to imagine it on your own. imagination science humor inspirational Brian Andreas
793ae10 Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken! humor inspirational tyler-durden Chuck Palahniuk
db6e479 "-BDB on the board- Knitter's Anonimous May 8, 2006 Rhage (in his bedroom posting in V's room on the board) Hi, my name is V. ("Hi, V") I've been knitting for 125 years now. (*gasping noises*) It's begun to impact my personal relationships: my brothers think I'm a nancy. It's begun to affect my health: I'm getting a callus on my forefinger and I find bits of yarn in all my pockets and I'm starting to smell like wool. I can't concentrate at work: I keep picturing all these lessers in Irish sweaters and thick socks. (*sounds of sympathy*) I've come seeking a community of people who, like me, are trying not to knit. Can you help me? (*We're with you*) Thank you (*takes out hand-knitted hankie in pink*) (*sniffles*) ("We embrace you, V") Vishous (in the pit): Oh hell no...you did not just put that up. And nice spelling in the title. Man...you just have to roll up on me, don't you. I got four words for you, my brother. Rhage: Four words? Okay...lemme see... Rhage, you're so sexy. hmmm.... Rhage, you're SO smart. No wait! Rhage, you're SO right! That's it, isn't it...g'head. You can tell me. Vishous: First one starts with a "P" Use your head for the other three. Bastard. Rhage: P? Hmm... Please pass the yarn Vishous: Payback is a bitch! Rhage: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh I'm so scuuuuuurred. Can you whip me up a blanket to hide under?" humor J.R. Ward
f8f28a1 "The baby bat Screamed out in fright, dark light fear humor Shel Silverstein
cc9d73b There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon. humor Christopher Moore
5b33b43 "Who are you?" he asked. I am the future queen of this world, at the very least. You may refer to me as Mistress Koboi for the next five minutes. After that you may refer to me as Aaaaarrrrgh, hold your throat, die screaming, and so on." fun humor world-domination megalomania Eoin Colfer
e4354de Death should take me while I am in the mood. humor Nathaniel Hawthorne
54cd289 "Hmm..." Jason snapped his fingers. "I can call a friend for a ride." Percy raised his eyebrows. "Oh, yeah? Me too. Let's see whose friend gets here first." humor flying-horses heroes-of-olympus percy-jackson percy-jackson-and-the-olympians the-mark-of-athena jason-grace Rick Riordan
3070933 A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it. humor Mary Karr
b7cbd41 Deciding whether or not to trust a person is like deciding whether or not to climb a tree because you might get a wonderful view from the highest branch or you might simply get covered in sap and for this reason many people choose to spend their time alone and indoors where it is harder to get a splinter. simile trust humor love inspirational tree Lemony Snicket
93fba22 In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke. humor discordianism eternity joke Hermann Hesse
6643e9c I don't like lollipops. humor Eoin Colfer
cba17ff In the name of the Pizza Lord. Charge! motivation humor Jim Butcher
7e455dd "I mean, d'you know what eternity is? There's this big mountain, see, a mile high, at the end of the universe, and once every thousand years there's this little bird-" "What little bird?" said Aziraphale suspiciously. "This little bird I'm talking about. And every thousand years-" "The same bird every thousand years?" Crowley hesitated. "Yeah," he said. "Bloody ancient bird, then." "Okay. And every thousand years this bird flies-" "-limps-" "-flies all the way to this mountain and sharpens its beak-" "Hold on. You can't do that. Between here and the end of the universe there's loads of-" The angel waved a hand expansively, if a little unsteadily. "Loads of buggerall, dear boy." "But it gets there anyway," Crowley persevered. "How?" "It doesn't matter!" "It could use a space ship," said the angel. Crowley subsided a bit. "Yeah," he said. "If you like. Anyway, this bird-" "Only it is the end of the universe we're talking about," said Aziraphale. "So it'd have to be one of those space ships where your descendants are the ones who get out at the other end. You have to tell your descendants, you say, When you get to the Mountain, you've got to-" He hesitated. "What have they got to do?" "Sharpen its beak on the mountain," said Crowley. "And then it flies back-" "-in the space ship-" "And after a thousand years it goes and does it all again," said Crowley quickly. There was a moment of drunken silence. "Seems a lot of effort just to sharpen a beak," mused Aziraphale. "Listen," said Crowley urgently, "the point is that when the bird has worn the mountain down to nothing, right, then-" Aziraphale opened his mouth. Crowley just knew he was going to make some point about the relative hardness of birds' beaks and granite mountains, and plunged on quickly. "-then you still won't have finished watching The Sound of Music." Aziraphale froze. "And you'll enjoy it," Crowley said relentlessly. "You really will." "My dear boy-" "You won't have a choice." "Listen-" "Heaven has no taste." "Now-" "And not one single sushi restaurant." A look of pain crossed the angel's suddenly very serious face." humor Neil Gaiman
7ed9c94 Whoa. Fangs. She had fangs. She leaned in, prodded them a little. Eating with those puppies was going to take some getting used to, she thought. On impulse, she brought up her hands, turned her fingers into claws. Hissed. Cool. humor vampire paranormal-romance J.R. Ward
44f6888 It was ironic, really - you want to die because you can't be bothered to go on living - but then you're expected to get all energetic and move furniture and stand on chairs and hoist ropes and do complicated knots and attach things to other things and kick stools from under you and mess around with hot baths and razor blades and extension cords and electrical appliances and weedkiller. Suicide was a complicated, demanding business, often involving visits to hardware shops. And if you've managed to drag yourself from the bed and go down the road to the garden center or the drug store, by then the worst is over. At that point you might as well just go to work. suicide work humor life Marian Keyes
36e5d7b Kronos would be 10 times more powerful. His very presence would incinerate you. And once he achieves this he will empower the other Titans. They are weak, compared to what they soon will become, unless you can stop them, the world will fall, the gods will die, and I will never achieve a perfect score on this stupid machine. humor kronos packman percy-jackson Rick Riordan
398941c You know what I can't understand? You have all these people telling you all the time how great you are, smart and funny and talented and all that, I mean endlessly, I've been telling you for years. So why don't you believe it? why do you think people say that stuff, Em? Do you think it's a conspiracy, people secretly ganging up to be nice about you? humor inspirational David Nicholls
64a6282 "It comes from a very ancient democracy, you see..." "You mean, it comes from a world of lizards?" "No," said Ford, who by this time was a little more rational and coherent than he had been, having finally had the coffee forced down him, "nothing so simple. Nothing anything like so straightforward. On its world, the people are people. The leaders are lizards. The people hate the lizards and the lizards rule the people." "Odd," said Arthur, "I thought you said it was a democracy." "I did," said Ford. "It is." "So," said Arthur, hoping he wasn't sounding ridiculously obtuse, "why don't people get rid of the lizards?" "It honestly doesn't occur to them," said Ford. "They've all got the vote, so they all pretty much assume that the government they've voted in more or less approximates to the government they want." "You mean they actually vote for the lizards?" "Oh yes," said Ford with a shrug, "of course." "But," said Arthur, going for the big one again, "why?" "Because if they didn't vote for a lizard," said Ford, "the wrong lizard might get in. Got any gin?" "What?" "I said," said Ford, with an increasing air of urgency creeping into his voice, "have you got any gin?" "I'll look. Tell me about the lizards." Ford shrugged again. "Some people say that the lizards are the best thing that ever happenned to them," he said. "They're completely wrong of course, completely and utterly wrong, but someone's got to say it." "But that's terrible," said Arthur. "Listen, bud," said Ford, "if I had one Altairian dollar for every time I heard one bit of the Universe look at another bit of the Universe and say 'That's terrible' I wouldn't be sitting here like a lemon looking for a gin." humor h2g2 ford-prefect hitchhikers-guide-to-the-galaxy democracy Douglas Adams
eef17a2 A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of one who has searched for the leak in life's gas-pipe with a lighted candle. humor melancholy wit P.G. Wodehouse
2cc133e You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled. humor inspirational Ellen DeGeneres
e02fea2 "If you need help bark like a dog." - Gendry. "That's stupid. If I need help I'll shout help." - Arya" humor bark gendry help stupid dog George R.R. Martin
d0f3aea Speak in French when you can't think of the English for a thing-- turn your toes out when you walk--- And remember who you are! humor alice-in-wonderland french remember lewis-carroll Lewis Carroll
b1a051a The meeting was like a war council with donuts. Then again, back at Camp Half-Blood they used to have their most serious discussions around the Ping-Pong table in the rec room with crackers and Cheez Whiz, so Percy felt right at home. humor war-council percy-jackson percy-jackson-and-the-olympians the-mark-of-athena Rick Riordan
93ef1c5 I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligible. humor intelligibility expression sarcasm Jane Austen
4cd8073 "They heard the click of the mail slot and flop of letters on the doormat. "Get the mail, Dudley," said Uncle Vernon from behind his paper. "Make Harry get it." "Get the mail, Harry." "Make Dudley get it." "Poke him with your Smelting stick, Dudley." humor J. K. Rowling
fe5eb0d I am a believer in free will. If my dog chooses to hate the whole human race except myself, it must be free to do so. humor Diana Wynne Jones
bff8e0e "Knees suddenly weak, she reached for his forearms to stabilize herself. "You came for me." He beamed, looking for all the world like a selfless, daring hero. "Don't sound so surprised." Dropping the cane, he pulled her into a crushing embrace that tore her away from Wolf and lifted her clean off the floor. "It turns out you are worth a lot of money on the black market." -- humor love cress thorne moment Marissa Meyer
86d5bc4 "The world isn't fair, Calvin." "I know Dad, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?" humor comics fairness Bill Watterson
bc44443 I have to return some videotapes funny humor bale videotapes bret easton ellis psycho return christian Bret Easton Ellis
0be7305 "Arthur blinked at the screens and felt he was missing something important. Suddenly he realized what it was. "Is there any tea on this spaceship?" he asked." humor tea Douglas Adams
b29b185 I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing... maybe you've got to attack him while he's in the shower, Harry. humor hp4 weasley J.K. Rowling
928775e Death and Famine and War and Pollution continued biking towards Tadfield. And Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty To Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You've Given Them A Good Thumping but secretly No Alcohol Lager, and Really Cool People travelled with them. humor Neil Gaiman
b4d0e1e "Hermes smiled. "I knew a boy once ... oh, younger than you by far. A mere baby, really." , George said. Martha snapped. Hermes ignored them. "One night, when this boy's mother wasn't watching, he sneaked out of their cave and stole some cattle that belonged to Apollo." "Did he get blasted to tiny pieces?" I asked. "Hmm ... no. Actually, everything turned out quite well. To make up for his theft, the boy gave Apollo an instrument he'd invented-a lyre. Apollo was so enchanted with the music that he forgot all about being angry." So what's the moral?" "The moral?" Hermes asked. "Goodness, you act like it's a fable. It's a true story. Does truth have a moral?" "Um ..." "How about this: stealing is not always bad?" "I don't think my mom would like that moral." , suggested George. Martha demanded. , George said. . "I've got it," Hermes said. "Young people don't always do what they're told, but if they can pull it off and do something wonderful, sometimes they escape punishment. How's that?" humor george martha moral rats percy-jackson hermes Rick Riordan
a1e2436 Anxiety's like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you very far. simile humor Jodi Picoult
79a4a2b I don't know why people are afraid of lust. Then I can imagine that they are very afraid of me, for I have a great lust for everything. A lust for life, a lust for how the summer-heated street feels beneath my feet, a lust for the touch of another's skin on my skin...a lust for everything. I even lust after cake. Yes, I am very lusty and very scary. humor-fear loving-life lusty passion-for-living passion-for-life passion humanism inspiration inspirational-life inspirational-quotes life-and-living living inspiring humor life inspirational passionate-living lustful lust-for-life passions lust human-nature C. JoyBell C.
0ff0064 I died. I died and someone made a clerical error and I am in Heaven. humor jim butcher
56b88ab Now what state do you live in?' 'Denial. humor Bill Watterson
852817e "See? Injustice. Here we are, risking our lives to rescue Kai and this whole planet, and Adri and Pearl get to go to the royal wedding. I'm disgusted. I hope they spill soy sauce on their fancy dresses." Jacin's concern turned fast to annoyance. "Your ship has some messed-up priorities, you know that?" "Iko. My name is Iko. If you don't stop calling me the 'ship,' I am going to make sure you never have hot water during your showers again, do you understand me?" "Yeah, hold that thought while I go disable the speaker system." "What? You can't mute me. Cinder!" humor highlight jacin iko Marissa Meyer
ae9d377 "The man once wrote: Tolkien had that one mostly right. I stepped forward, let the door bang closed, and snarled, "Fuck subtle." tolkien humor subtlety harry-dresden Jim Butcher
f033ccd Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?' 'To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time.' 'The dog did nothing in the night-time.' 'That was the curious incident,' remarked Sherlock Holmes. humor incident silver sherlock-holmes mystery curious dog Arthur Conan Doyle
68490c0 "For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it's funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I'd squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes. I'm now told that this is not called "going to sleep" but rather "passing out," a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment." drinking humor David Sedaris
280ab6c "Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Tyson pounding the Earthborn into the ground like a game of whack-a-mole. Ella was fluttering above him, dodging missiles and calling out advice: "The groin. The Earthborn's groin is sensitive." SMASH! "Good. Yes. Tyson found its groin." humor groin son-of-neptune tyson Rick Riordan
2625f5c When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first, that way in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side. humor last-page dark-side first finish end read know die Nora Ephron
ddba17b "No, thanks," said Harry. "The toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it-- it might be sick." Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he'd said." harry-potter humor toilet J.K. Rowling
df476ec She held up her calloused, grimy fingers. Leo couldn't help thinking there was nothing hotter than a girl who didn't mind getting her hands dirty. But of course, that was just a general comment. Didn't apply to Calypso. Obviously. funny humor love leo-valdez Rick Riordan
859b8cc So. You get handed a holy sword by an archangel, told to go fight the forces of evil, and you somehow remain an atheist. Is that what you're saying? humor sanya harry-dresden Jim Butcher
fd5f1b9 "The sign was spray-painted in Arabic and English, probably from some attempt by the farmer to sell his wares in the market. The English read: Dates-best price. Cold Bebsi. "Bebsi?" I asked. "Pepsi," Walt said. "I read about it on the Internet. There's no 'p' in Arabic. Everyone here calls the soda Bebsi." "So you have to have Bebsi with your bizza?" "Brobably." humor pepsi throne-of-fire walt sadie sadie-kane Rick Riordan
f6edc2b There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world and those who are smart enough to know better. humor philosophy Tom Robbins
c3fab14 I feel like getting married, or committing suicide, or subscribing to L'Illustration. Something desperate, you know. humor Albert Camus
6c48bf4 The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy also mentions alcohol. It says that the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, the effect of which is like having your brains smashed out with a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick. drinking humor Douglas Adams
e6ebdec "Hey, our hair's the same color," I said, eying us side by side in the mirror. "Sure is, girlfriend." Eric grinned at me." romance humor true-blood sookie-stackhouse Charlaine Harris
9e1dbe3 "Down in the water, Octavian yelled, "Get me out of here! I'll kill you!" "Tempting," Percy called down." humor octavian percy-jackson percy-jackson-and-the-olympians the-mark-of-athena Rick Riordan
5646f94 Writers don't make any money at all. We make about a dollar. It is terrible. But then again we don't work either. We sit around in our underwear until noon then go downstairs and make coffee, fry some eggs, read the paper, read part of a book, smell the book, wonder if perhaps we ourselves should work on our book, smell the book again, throw the book across the room because we are quite jealous that any other person wrote a book, feel terribly guilty about throwing the schmuck's book across the room because we secretly wonder if God in heaven noticed our evil jealousy, or worse, our laziness. We then lie across the couch facedown and mumble to God to forgive us because we are secretly afraid He is going to dry up all our words because we envied another man's stupid words. And for this, as I said, we are paid a dollar. We are worth so much more. writing humor Donald Miller
f1e8ee5 You can't save everybody. In fact, there are days when I think you can't save anyone. Each person has to save himself first, then you can move in and help. I have found this philosophy does not work during a gun battle, or a knife fight either. Outside of that it works just fine. humor Laurell K. Hamilton
97174f6 Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days. humor inspirational butterflies Ellen DeGeneres
1634557 "Haven't you ever heard of the saying, "If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse!"?' --Lin If you wanna shoot the general, then you should just SHOOT THE GENERAL!' --Ed" funny humor Hiromu Arakawa
fb08af1 Butch tightened his grip on his cell and wished there were an app that let you reach through a phone and bitch slap someone. humor j-r-ward butch J. R. Ward
3adaae2 "Oh, of course," said Ron, clapping a hand to his forehead. "I forgot we'll be hunting down Voldemort in a mobile library." harry-potter humor ron-weasley J.K. Rowling
d8a9c08 "And you're blind?" Uh-huh," Iggy said, trying to sound bored. Were you born that way?" No." How did you become blind, uh, Jeff, is it?" Yeah, Jeff. Well, I looked directly at the sun, you know, the way they always tell you not to. If only I had listened." humor maximum-ride James Patterson
463f738 If you want to catch beasts you don't see every day humor inspirational Dr. Seuss
5263fb4 Yes, I have tricks in my pocket, I have things up my sleeve. But I am the opposite of a stage magician. He gives you illusion that has the appearance of truth. I give you truth in the pleasant disguise of illusion. humor inspirational Tennessee Williams
7e3b5bc "Beds empty! No note! Car gone -- could have crashed -- out of my mind with worry -- did you care? -- never, as long as I've lived -- you wait until your father gets home, we never had trouble like this from Bill or Charlie or Percy --" "Perfect Percy," muttered Fred. "YOU COULD DO WITH TAKING A LEAF OUT OF PERCY'S BOOK!" yelled Mrs. Weasley, prodding a finger in Fred's chest. "You could have , you could have been , you could have lost your father his --" It seemed to go on for hours. Mrs. Weasley had shouted herself hoarse before she turned on Harry, who backed away. "I'm very pleased to see you, Harry, dear," she said." humor J.K. Rowling
81be37a Calvin: Why are you crying mom? Mom: I'm cutting up an onion. Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables. humor Bill Watterson
7a9a7b4 Nothing's a better cure for writer's block than to eat ice cream right out of the carton. writing humor inspirational Don Roff
8ddf554 "The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone." Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way." -- politics funny humor little-red-riding-hood sexist James Finn Garner
3600a90 "V shook his head. "Remember what you saw in that clearing, cop? How'd you like that anywhere near a female you loved?" Butch put down the Bud without drinking from it. His eyes traveled over Rhage's body. "We're going to need a shitload of steel," the human muttered." romance humor rhage vampire paranormal J.R. Ward
5d6abf2 I am no king, and I am no lord poe humor love inspirational lyrics ending Peter S. Beagle
264056b "I am no king, and I am no lord, And I am no soldier at-arms," said he. "I'm none but a harper, and a very poor harper, That am come hither to wed with ye." "If you were a lord, you should be my lord, And the same if you were a thief," said she. "And if you are a harper, you shall be my harper, For it makes no matter to me, to me, For it makes no matter to me." "But what if it prove that I am no harper? That I lied for your love most monstrously?" "Why, then I'll teach you to play and sing, For I dearly love a good harp," said she." poe humor love inspirational lyrics Peter S. Beagle
1066945 WATNEY: Look! A pair of boobs! -> (.Y.). science humor inspirational Andy Weir
e4496b0 Please, Percy...change your clothes. You smell like you've been run over by an electric horse. humor hygiene heroes-of-olympus percy-jackson percy-jackson-and-the-olympians the-mark-of-athena horses Rick Riordan
214e4a2 I read the fuck out of every book I can get my hands on. reading humor Nick Hornby
faf00c7 Still it might be nice, once in a while, not to have to choose between evils. Just once, couldn't I choose the lesser good? humor Laurell K. Hamilton
105c4ec It is perfectly monstrous,' he said, at last, 'the way people go about nowadays saying things against one behind one's back that are absolutely and entirely true. humor truth oscar-wilde Oscar Wilde
9aa6a95 "I don't like to think of it as 'stolen'. They have no proof that I didn't plan on giving it back." "You're kidding, right?" He shrugged. "You have no proof either." She squinted back at him. "Were you planning on giving it back?" "Maybe." An orange light blinked on in the corner of Cinder's vision-her cyborg programming picking up on the lie." humor thorne Marissa Meyer
303bb93 I let out a battle cry. Sure, a lot of people might have mistaken it for a sudden yelp of unmanly fear, but trust me. It was a battle cry. humor Jim Butcher
933dbc8 Help me, I can't breathe, your ego is pushing all the air out of the room. humor kate Ilona Andrews
8350100 "What do you think they're going to do to us when they find us guilty?" she says after a few minutes of silence have passed. "Honestly?" "Does now seem like the time for honesty?" I look at her from the corner of my eye. "I think they're going to force us to eat lots of cake and then take an unreasonably long nap." humor naps trial guilty Veronica Roth
040ca41 I WILL NOT TOLERATE MENTION OF YOUR ABNORMALITY UNDER THIS ROOF! harry-potter magic humor J.K. Rowling
3372b8e St. Clair clears his throat. 'My fiancee and I are headed out for a celebratory dessert. I'd ask you all to join us, but I don't want you there. humor etienne-st-clair Stephanie Perkins
e061226 I gave him my best cryptic smile. He did not fall down to his feet, kiss my shoes, and promise me the world. I must be getting rusty. humor Ilona Andrews
0a6d35e We're actors -- we're the opposite of people! theatre people humanity humor archetypes symbolism Tom Stoppard
7a5b903 Garcia wondered why people with JESUS stickers on their bumper always drove twenty miles per hour under the speed limit. If God was my co-pilot, he thought, I'd be doing a hundred and twenty. humor Carl Hiaasen
da980fd "Will put his hand on Nico's shoulder. "Nico, we need o have another talk about your people skills." "Hey, I'm just stating the obvious. If this is Apollo, and he dies, we're all in trouble." Will turned to me. "I apologize for my boyfriend." Nico rolled his eyes. "Could you not--" "Would you prefer special guy?" Will asked. "Or significant other?" "Significant annoyance, in your case," Nico grumbled" romance humor lgbt gay Rick Riordan
869e446 "She sighed, annoyed at her restlessness. "So," she said, disrupting Wolf in another backward glance. "Who would win in a fight--you or a pack of wolves?" He frowned at her, all seriousness. "Depends," he said, slowly, like he was trying to figure out her motive for asking. "How big is the pack?" "I don't know, what's normal? Six?" "I could win against six," he said. "Any more than that and it could be a close call." Scarlet smirked. "You're not in danger of low self-esteem, at least." "What do you mean?" "Nothing at all." She kicked a stone from their path. "How about you and ... a lion?" "A cat? Don't insult me." She laughed, the sound sharp and surprising. "How about a bear?" "Why, do you see one out there?" "Not yet, but I want to be prepared in case I have to rescue you." The smile she'd been waiting for warmed his face, a glint of white teeth flashing. "I'm not sure. I've never had to fight a bear before." -- humor fights pack Marissa Meyer
078562f Everything stinks till it's finished. humor inspirational Dr. Seuss
756bb9c "That was horrible. Horrible. That poor little guy." Pex was unrepentant. "Yeah, well, he asked for it. Calling us ... all those things." But---buried alive! That's like in that horror movie. Y'know -- the one with all the horror." I think I saw that one. With all the words going up on the screen at the end?" Yeah, that was it. Tell you the truth, those words kinda ruined it for me." stupidity humor horror-movies killers Eoin Colfer
227ef12 "YOU FEAR TO DIE? "It's not that I don't want... I mean, I've always...it's just that life is a habit that's hard to break..." fear humor life habit Terry Pratchett
cd42db0 "Grover wore his fake feet and his pants to pass as human. He wore a green rasta-style cap, because when it rained his curly hair flattened and you could just see the tips of his horns. His bright orange backpack was full of scrap metal and apples to snack on. In his pocket was a set of reed pipes his daddy goat had carved for him, even though he only knew two songs: Mozart's Piano Concerto no. 12 and Hilary Duff's "So Yesterday," both of which sounded pretty bad on reed pipes." humor hilary-duff mozart reed-pipe Rick Riordan
bf35306 "I'm sorry," he says. "What? Why?" "You're fixing everything I set down." He nods at my hands, which are readjusting the elephant. "It wasn't polite of me to come in and start touching your things." "Oh, it's okay," I say quickly, letting go of the figurine. "You can touch anything of mine you want." He freezes. A funny look runs across his face before I realize what I've said. I didn't mean it like Not that would be so bad." humor st-clair anna-oliphant embarrassing Stephanie Perkins
19a740e "A few seconds after he stepped out into the hallway and closed the door behind him, there was a fleshly smack and then Andrew yelling, "Ouch. What in the hell was that for?" "Your timing sucks on an epic level," Daemon shot back." humor Jennifer L. Armentrout
395b975 Bishop was all done with the witty conversation. 'Will you swear?' And Myrnin said, shockingly, 'I will.' And he proceeded to, a string of swearwords that made Claire blink. He ended with, '--frothy fool-born apple-john! Cheater of vandals and defiler of dead dogs!' and did another twirl and bow. He looked up with a red, red grin that was more like a leer. 'Is that what you meant, my lord? humor myrnin claire-danvers Rachel Caine
cd0bcec "You know how hard it is to feel like an extreme falcon-headed combat machine when somebody calls you "chicken man"?" names humor sobriquet Rick Riordan
dfafe4e Because sometimes you just have to dance like a madman in the Self-Help section of your local bookstore. humor David Levithan
2bdff6a Yeah, the whole family knows. It's no big deal. One night at dinner I said, 'Mom, you know the forbidden love that Spock has for Kirk? Well, me too.' It was easier for her to understand that way. humor star-trek tv-reference Holly Black
708fb85 "Humm humm haaa. Rahmumm humm haaaa," intoned Opal, finishing her chant. "Peace be inside me, tolerance all around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is so that I may feed him his organs." violence revenge fun humor Eoin Colfer
9c80c50 "They don't fit you?" V asked his roommate. "Not the point. No offense, but these are wicked Village People." Butch held his heavy arms out and turned in a circle, his bare chest catching the light. "I mean, come on." "They're for fighting, not fashion." "So are kilts, but you don't see me rocking the tartan." "And thank God for that. You're too bowlegged to pull that shit off." Butch assumed a bored expression. "You can bite me." romance humor vishous-vampire butch-vishous paranormal-romance J.R. Ward
bdefc8b "I feel ill," [Howl] announced. "I'm going to bed, where I may die." young-adult fiction humor Diana Wynne Jones
d636bfc "Her name is Brienne," Jaime said. "Brienne, the maid of Tarth. You still maiden, I hope?" Her broad homely face turned red. "Yes." "Oh, good," Jaime said. "I only rescue maidens." humor brienne-of-tarth jaime-lannister rescue George R.R. Martin
178fada Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove. fate humor top-8 unfairness misfortune P.G. Wodehouse
74b3881 When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. humor inspirational Barney Stinson
f67b5f0 Some kids get called 'bundles of joy' or 'slices of heaven' or 'dreams come true.' We got 'the fifty-fourth generation of DNA experiments.' Doesn't have the same warm and fuzzy feel. But maybe I'm oversensitive. humor euphemisms maxride maximum-ride max James Patterson
2b2ecae "Frank stared at her. "But you throw Ding Dongs at monsters." Iris looked horrified. "Oh, they're not Ding Dongs." She rummaged under the counter and brought out a package of chocolate covered cakes that looked exactly like Ding Dongs. "These are gluten-free, no-sugar-added, vitamin-enriched, soy-free, goat-milk-and-seaweed-based cupcake simulations." "All natural!" Fleecy chimed in. "I stand corrected." Frank suddenly felt as queasy as Percy." humor iris percy-jackson rick-riordan Rick Riordan
82769d1 "Hobbes: Jump! Jump! Jump! I win! Calvin: You win? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mindmeld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I knew you'd cheat! I knew you'd win! Oh! Oh! Aarg! [Calvin runs in circles around Hobbes screaming "Aaaaaaaaaaaa", then falls over.] humor calvin hobbes Bill Watterson
bb2301d Eric moved the broom experimentally and made an attempt to sweep the glass into the pan while it lay in the middle of the floor. Of course, the pan slid away. Eric scowled. I'd finally found something Eric did poorly. humor vampires Charlaine Harris
42e3de8 "Percy says be talked to a Nereid in Charleston Harbor!" "Good for him!" Leo yelled back. "The Nereid said we should seek help from Chiron's brothers." "What does that mean? The Party Ponies?" Leo had never met Chiron's crazy centaur relatives, but he'd heard rumors of Nerf sword-fights, root beer-chugging contests, and Super Soakers filled with pressurized whipped cream. "Not sure," Annabeth said. "But I've got coordinates. Can you input latitude and longitude in this thing?" "I can input star charts and order you a smoothie, if you want. Of I can do latitude and longitude!" family humor nereids party-ponies chiron heroes-of-olympus percy-jackson percy-jackson-and-the-olympians the-mark-of-athena leo-valdez Rick Riordan
4b82bfe "Did someone just call me the ?" he asked in a lazy drawl. "It's Bacchus, please. Or Mr. Bacchus. Or Lord Bacchus. Or, sometimes, Oh-My-Gods-Please-Don't-Kill-Me, Lord Bacchus." names humor gods percy-jackson-and-the-olympians the-mark-of-athena dionysus the-heroes-of-olympus Rick Riordan
cc6cedb "You're getting into some kind of shape, cop." Aw, come on, now." Butch grinned. "Don't let that shower we took go to your head." Rhage fired a towel at the male. "Just pointing out your beer gut's gone." It was a Scotch pot. And I don't miss it." friendship humor vampire J.R. Ward
45cd6d4 "Hey, Carlos," the Professor says when he walks in. "How was REACH?" "It sucked." "Can you be more specific?" my guardian asks. "It really sucked," I elaborate, sarcasm dripping from every word." humor perfect-chemistry sarcasm Simone Elkeles
a82ab23 Life... is like a grapefruit. Well, it's sort of orangey-yellow and dimpled on the outside, wet and squidgy in the middle. It's got pips inside, too. Oh, and some people have half a one for breakfast. humor life h2g2 hitchhikers-guide-to-the-galaxy Douglas Adams
644c782 "Saphira waved her tail, the tip whistling loudly. "I'm not asking you to. However, if we attack first, we may gain the advantage." "Have you gone crazy? They'll..." Eragon's voice trailed off as he thought about it. "They won't be able to do a thing." humor urgals eragon Christopher Paolini
1396b9a To love is easy, to be in a relationship is extremely difficult. humor love truth inspirational Santosh Kalwar
bf76574 "I still can't believe," Michael said, sotto voce, "that you came to the Vampires' Masquerade Ball dressed as a vampire." -- humor michael-carpenter Jim Butcher
0b6dc2e "I'm nobody's sidekick," Annabeth growled. "And, Percy, his accent sounds familiar because he sounds like his mother. We killed her in New Jersey." Percy frowned. "I'm pretty sure that accent isn't New Jersey. Who's his--? Oh." It all fell into place. Aunty Em's Garden Gnome Emporium--the lair of Medusa. She'd talked with that same accent, at least until Percy had cut off her head. " is your mom?" he asked. "Dude, that sucks for you." family humor annabeth-chase medusa new-jersey percy-jackson percy-jackson-and-the-olympians the-mark-of-athena the-heroes-of-olympus Rick Riordan
c8514c5 "I still can't believe," Michael said, sotto voce, "that you came to the Vampires' Masquerade Ball dressed as a vampire." humor michael-carpenter Jim Butcher
2e9e6e2 I think that men ought to treat women like something other than weaker men with breasts. humor harry-dresden Jim Butcher
f5dc1a3 "I was supposed to be waiting up here when you got back, only your Phoenix lot got in the way..." "Yes, they do that," said Dumbledore." -- humor order-of-the-phoenix malfoy sarcasm J.K. Rowling
f84b268 "I ripped my left arm out of his hand and slammed my elbow into his solar plexus. He exhaled in a gasp. I lunged for the dagger and sat on top of him, my knees pinning his arms, my dagger on his throat. He lay still. "I give up," he said and smiled. "Your move." Er. I was sitting atop the Beast Lord in my underwear, holding a knife to his throat. What the hell was my next move?" humor kate Ilona Andrews
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