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d4b0a2a I wasn't about to admit to him that I'd never had a boyfriend. You just don't go around saying things like that to totally hot guys, even if they're dead. dead humor Meg Cabot
455f4d3 The Continental army got more generals than they got private soldiers, these days. An officer lives through more 'n two battles, they make him some kind of general on the spot. Now, gettin' any pay for it, that's a different kettle of fish. dan-morgan humor outlander revolutionary-war Diana Gabaldon
49bae96 Within the same hour as the murder took place, Isabel Trumbo sat in her armchair dozing, the Alaskan Outdoor magazine on her lap. Her kid sister Alma fidgeted in the other armchair, from time to time picking up her newspaper folded over to the day's crossword puzzle. cozy cozy-mysteries cozy-mystery humor mysteries-cozy romance whodunit women-sleuths Ed Lynskey
88860a8 Quote is taken from Chapter 1: Since Etta could log in her rare Baltimore oriole sighting, she decided she'd had enough birding for one day. It was just a fun hobby, not an obsession. cozy cozy-mysteries cozy-mystery humor mysteries-cozy romance whodunit women-sleuths Ed Lynskey
8890cb4 "I said, 'Don't talk rot, Old Tom Travers." "I am not accustomed to talk rot," he said. "Then, for a beginner," I said, "you do it dashed well." humor humour jeeves jeeves-and-wooster retort P.G. Wodehouse
6eb5dba "... And what am I to do?" "Well, that depends. Do you like the girl?" "Like her? I don't know. How do you know if...?" "It's very simple. Do you look at her furtively and feel like biting her?" "Biting her?" "On her backside, for example." -- humor like Carlos Ruiz Zafón
88d2843 So etwas wie ein standiges Spurensicherungsteam gibt es ubrigens nicht. da die Spurensicherung so teuer ist, bestellt man sie beim Innenministerium immer nur happchenweise wie beim chinesischen Lieferservice. Aus der prozession von Plastikanzugen zu schliessen, die an uns voruberzog, hatte Stephanopoulos sich das Super-Deluxe-Menu fur sechs Personen mit einer extraportion Reis gegonnt. Und ich war dann wohl der Gluckskeks. humor Ben Aaronovitch
88d612f Malory! You've got a chipmunk on your pussy! funny humor humorous Tamara Thorne
63ec679 You should have gone yourself, you ask for a Coke and they come back with orange drink. No one understands the martyrdom of the volunteers for the trip to food concession. humor Colson Whitehead
0a66147 [. . .] a super-rat. I nailed it across the eyes once with a lucky shot with the butt of my gun, but it got up again and shat in my telephone. humor Warren Ellis
39b7757 Everyone is allowed a weakness, even women of the twentieth century. humor weakness women Laurie R. King
fc6f639 "I said, "Your brother is in bed with my wife." I added, "I just took them up some wine in bed." dialogue humor iris-murdoch witty Iris Murdoch
69f934e You get so worked up and flowery! You sound as if you were quoting something all the time! flowery humor iris-murdoch quoting the-black-prince Iris Murdoch
4d38cb7 I'm not interested. I never liked him. He's some sort scoundrel. dialogue dislike humor iris-murdoch scoundrel the-black-prince Iris Murdoch
1abe1a2 "Why, you mean you didn't get abducted and dragged across country purely to make us a story for us to chew over endlessly?" asked Pip, tossing his shock of tow-colored hair indignantly. "The nerve!" humor sarcasm Mercedes Lackey
6445722 My dad's idea of bonding was throwing me in the tar pits to teach me a lesson, though I'm not sure what the lesson was, except to stay the hell away from Da. humor Kevin Hearne
7c56cd9 I know you're the only pistol champion we have, but I'd rather they no see enough of you to hit. You're also the only wife I have... fargo humor wife Clive Cussler
7c3d5b8 All this to say Gallo wants to get into your Little Mermaid panties. And if you don't get that, you're dumber than I ever thought, which gives me such a headache to even contemplate. The massive amount of your dumbness. It hurts me,' he whined. george humor MaryJanice Davidson
7bf54cb Nada nos divierte tanto a los chilenos como burlarnos de nosotros mismos, aunque jamas soportariamos que lo hiciese un extranjero. humor identidad Isabel Allende
0bb3203 "Oh God, look what you did." "God's away on business, Kas. Talk to me." humor Richard Kadrey
1936dc4 The continent did not appeal: France was filled with irritating people; Spain was corrupt and unstable; Russia, impossible; Italy, absurd; Germany, rigid; Portugal, in decline. Holland, thought favorably disposed toward him, was dull. The United States of America, he decided, was a possibility. humor Elizabeth Gilbert
528863a "The three branches of government number considerably more than three and are not, in any sense, "branches" since that would imply that there is something they are all attached to besides self-aggrandizement and our pocketbooks." government humor politics P.J. O'Rourke
52bc4f8 "Well, land sakes!" Hiro says. "Lookee here!" He whips his blade sideways, cutting off both of the businessman's forearms, causing the sword to clatter onto the floor. "Better fire up the ol' barbeque, Jemima!" Hiro continues, whipping the sword around sideways, cutting the businessman's body in half just above the navel. Then he leans down so he's looking right into the businessman's face. "Didn't anyone tell you," he says, losing the dialect, "that I was a hacker?" Then he hacks the guy's head off." humor puns Neal Stephenson
683d378 "That's the unforgivable sin, you know." "What is?" "Refusing to forgive someone." "Refusing to forgive someone is the unforgivable sin?" I asked incredulously." humor irony sin Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
c30b988 The table was a large one, but the three were all crowded together at one corner of it: 'No room! No room!' they cried out when they saw Alice coming. 'There's of room!' said Alice indignantly, and she sat down in a large arm-chair at one end of the table. 'Have some wine,' the March Hare said in an encouraging tone. Alice looked all round the table, but there was nothing on it but tea. 'I don't see any wine,' she remarked. 'There isn't any,' said the March Hare. 'Then it wasn't very civil of you to offer it,' said Alice angrily. 'It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited,' said the March Hare. etiquette humor manners Lewis Carroll
35457d5 "In the goblin tongue, knowing from the book that Hephaestus spoke it but hoping that the dragon wouldn't know he knew, Drizzt yelled, "When the stupid dragon follows me out, come out and get the rest!" Hephaestus skidded to a stop and spun about, eyeing the low tunnel that led to the mines. The stupid dragon was in a frightful fit, wanting to munch on the imposing drow but fearing a robbery from behind... ...In the end, Hephaestus settled the dilemma as he settled every problem: He vowed to thoroughly eat the next merchant party that came his way." humor R.A. Salvatore
53aaba6 I put the odds on a psychic deathmatch between Attila the Hun and Virginia Woolf at fifty-fifty. are-you-my-mother attila-the-hun deathmatch humor virginia-woolf Alison Bechdel
54821ff "The pig was so earnest. So sincere. So very "there." The pig brought gravity and mythic import to this well-worn fairy tale." humor humorous-quotes Robert Fulghum
6cd2f30 Weddings, I began to understand, were vile, filthy things when they ran amuck. humor marriage relationships weddings Laurie Notaro
cb2ac64 Along with voting, jury duty, and paying taxes, goofing off is one of the central obligations of American citizenship. So when my friends Joel and Stephen and I play hooky from our jobs in the middle of the afternoon to play Pop-A-Shot in a room full of children, I like to think we are not procrastinators; we are patriots pursuing happiness. goofing-off humor patriotism procrastination Sarah Vowell
5576e32 "Her gaze flickered to the balcony doors and back, her brows knitted in confusion. "My balcony doesn't connect to yours." "I jumped." He grinned at the flash of concern he saw in "her eyes. "At dinner, your grandmother informed me that you'd be moving to the room beside mine. She also mentioned how close my balcony was to yours; so close that even an old lady like herself could leap between the two without the least effort." Venetia's cheeks heated and she pulled her nightgown closer. "Grandmama is anything but subtle." "Almost as subtle as your mother." "Oh, no! Not Mama, too." Gregor paused beside a small table to pick up a silver tray holding a cut crystal decanter and matching glasses and set it on the table before Venetia. "Your mother was concerned I might be afraid of heights. She told me that if she were thinking of jumping between the balconies and couldn't bring herself to make the leap, it might be possible to pick the lock on the connecting door with, say, a cravat pin." Venetia blushed. "I'm surprised they aren't in here now, throwing rose petals before you as you walk." "I would never countenance petal tossing. Too showy." family hilarious humor love lovers Karen Hawkins
cb4b9dc You know what happens on live TV? Janet Jackson's Super Bowl Boob happens on live TV. Adele Dazeem happens on live TV. President Al Gore happens on live TV humor Shonda Rhimes
325bb9b "Tommy looked blank. "What's a flashlight?" "You don't have flashlights?" Jessup said. "Jeeze! A cylinder, like, with batteries inside it, and a light bulb behind glass at one end--" Tommy's blue eyes glinted dangerously. "We have a thing in Scotland that's a cylinder too. Very thin, made of wood, with graphite in the center. We call it a pencil." Jessup hooted. "You think we don't have pencils?" "You think we don't have flashlights?" Tommy snapped. "That's just American dialect. In the English language they're called torches." Emily said mildly, "Actually we're Canadians." flashlight humor pencil scotland Susan Cooper
7a4b017 I tried deep breathing, but seemed to lose contact with myself between each breath, so that the next one was always an emergency. I began to feel faint. deep-breathing dissociation humor iris-murdoch panic-attack the-black-prince Iris Murdoch
17c78e8 "I didn't leave that crowd of ocelots to go back into it." [when asked to write the film script for The Osterman Weekend]" hollywood humor movie-script-writing Robert Ludlum
0331a36 Don't let the devil hear you, minister, The devil has such good hearing he doesn't need things to be spoken out loud, Well, god help us then, There's no point asking him for help either, he was born stone-deaf. god humor religion José Saramago
0c5b055 Long before man traveled into space, rabbis debated how one would observe Shabbat there-not because they anticipated space travel but because Buddhists strive to live with questions and Jews would rather die. humor jews Jonathan Safran Foer
17bca23 Yeah, and if I have to choose between being eaten by the Endarkened and telling my Da I'm a Wildmage, I'm not sure which I'd pick. humor james-mallory location-3547 mercedes-lackey the-phoenix-endangered wildmage Mercedes Lackey
17215e3 You watch pro ball and those guys spend so much time with their hands on each other's rear ends, you'd think they were feeling for diamonds or something. football funny humor Catherine Gilbert Murdock
240f1db The British were unhinged by the colonists' unorthodox fighting style and shocking failure to abide by gentlemanly rules of engagement. One scandalized British soldier complained that the American riflemen 'conceal themselves behind trees etc. till an opportunity presents itself of taking a shot at our advance sentries, which done, they immediately retreat. What an unfair method of carrying on a war! funny humor revolutionary-war war Ron Chernow
0ce9884 I think it's good to smile at everybody so that everyone knows you love everyone. It's good for human pacifism. humor pacifism smiling Aimee Bender
783d533 The verdict of this court is that the accused are guilty of witchcraft. The maximum penalty the law allows is to be burned to death.However, in view of your previous good background I am disposed to be lenient. I therefore sentence you to be burned alive. humor satire witchcraft Richard Curtis
77b6ea3 "As boys going to sea immediately become nautical in speech, walk as if they already had their "sea legs" on, and shiver their timbers on all possible occasions, so I turned military at once, called my dinner my rations, saluted all new comers, and ordered a dress parade that very afternoon." humor Louisa May Alcott
0d485c9 'He'll probably end up angling for a threesome. Then I'll have to get my animal name so I can be a part of the group. So Native American of you white boys. I'll probably go for something like Falcon. Or Wolf.' 'Jackass suits you better,' Anna intones. humor who-we-are T.J. Klune
1563858 SImon said. Derek said. derek humor simon Kelley Armstrong
0254fe2 "Fill me in on the details of your life." "I thought you didn't give a shit." "It'll give me something to do while I wait for you to stab me to death." christina-dodd humor life suspense thriller virtue-falls Christina Dodd
249f1a3 "One night when I was pregnant with Henry, I lay in bed thinking for some reason, about "Treasure Island." I realized that from the entire book there was only one sentence I remembered verbatim, something that Ben Gunn, who has been marooned for three years, says to Jim Hawkins: "Many's the long night I've dreamed of cheese -- toasted mostly." I repeated the last two words over and over again, like a mantra. "Toasted, mostly. Toasted mostly." humor Anne Fadiman
0020c15 Whenever Elliot Norther's wife was nervous she baked. With the murder of Harriet Mason, her husband's close colleague at the Faculty, she had been unable to resist a couple of Victoria sponges. During the frenzied press speculation about the identity of the murderer, a Dundee cake had appeared, followed swiftly by a Battenberg and a Lemon Drizzle. Since news of the Wildencrust murder broke, the kitchen, dining room and study had come to resemble the storerooms of an industrial bakery, every surface heaving with the weight of sponge and cream. Yesterday, having at last been overwhelmed by the fear and rumour that swept the town, she had taken herself off to her mother's house in Hampstead, leaving her husband to soldier on alone. When he had last seen his wife, Elliot Norther noticed that she had been putting the finishing touches to an impressive, triple-tiered wedding cake, beating a batch of royal icing into a sickly paste. humor humour thriller Robert Clear
1219fcc "Then Jack turned to her. Safari? That was the best excuse you could come up with for me not being at a meeting?" She winced apologetically. "I'm sorry. I'm a terrible liar." What was wrong with simple sickness? A nice, normal bout of food poisoning?" He was in a bad mood. I kind of got carried away," she admitted. Boy, are you lucky I watched Tarzan so much as a kid." humor Sarah Mayberry
2e7cdfa How bad do you want cancer? Bad enough to eat a rainbow of it? Personally, I think the red cancer would be the worst, but anything you swallow with artificial hues in it is going to pop a tumor out of your body the day after you eat it. food humor snark Laurie Notaro
e54539c "Labor is a man crowning glory." "Not this man's." "I quote Marx" I raised my hands. The pickaxe handle had been rough. "I quote blisters." hard-work humor John Fowles
6bb40cd She had one of those husky voices that sounded as if she were permanently coming down with a cold. Men seemed to find that sexy in a woman, which Jackson thought was odd because it made women sound less like women and more like men. Maybe it was a gay thing. humor husky-voice men sexy women Kate Atkinson
732644f I put ten sugar cubes in my coffee. I drank it through my tongue, and my blood sang like the Archangel Gabriel as the sugar flooded in. That can't be natural humor David Mitchell
27983d8 "He has got no good red blood in his body," said Sir James. "No. Somebody put a drop under a magnifying glass, and it was all semicolons and parentheses," said Mrs. Cadwallader." humor sarcasm wit George Eliot
60447e4 It popped up on my Outlook calendar, flagged in red like an inflamed pimple full of infected bureaucratic pus... I've been trying desperately to get it shifted, but no, it is stuck like a king-sized dildo in a guinea pig. humor microsoft vulgar Charles Stross
13ae1d4 That was the wonderful thing about historical novels, one met so many famous people. It was like reading a very old copy of magazine. humor Edward St. Aubyn
25a1cdc She was of traditional build herself, but her figure was largely concealed by the folds of a generously cut shift dress made out of a flecked green fabric. It was like a tent, thought Mma Ramotswe--a camouflage tent of the sort that the Botswana Defence Force might use. But I do not sit in judgement on the dresses of others, she told herself, and a tent was a practical enough garment, if that is what one felt comfortable in. comfort humor judgement Alexander McCall Smith
64cffca How sharper than a serpent's tooth, I remember Jeeves saying once, it is to have a thankless child, and it isn't a dashed sight better having a thankless aunt. humor P.G. Wodehouse
25ca932 We are taught to think ourselves ugly. Eyes are an assaulted sense. We are taught to behave by spankings and whippings. Touch is an assaulted sense. We are taught we should not smell, or we smell wrong. Smell is an assaulted sense. We listen to songs that call us 'hos and tell us how to give blow jobs. Hearing is an assaulted sense. Taste, not so much. food hearing humor music sense smell songs taste Alice Randall
71d3825 "New Rule: Stop talking about "the gas prices under Obama." As if he's the guy out there changing the numbers on the sign with that long pole. And while they're at the gas station, Republicans who still think human activity doesn't affect air quality should poke their heads in the men's room." gas gas-prices humor obama oil Bill Maher
2bc270e It had only taken me six years to change from a ten-year-old to a sixteen-year-old; surely six years wasn't long enough for a transformation of that magnitude. humor Nick Hornby
7093c35 And as the wicked are always ungrateful, and necessity leads to evil doing, and immediate advantage overcomes all considerations of the future, Gines, who was neither grateful nor well-principled, made up his mind to steal Sancho Panza's ass. humor Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra
0f1d751 I want to drink hard liquor, as you call it, before lunch. I've got a mouth like the bottom of the parrot's cage. You wouldn't want me to throw a screaming fit in front of all your officers. humor Nevil Shute
129bf63 When I got home I peered down at the lobster to see how he was doing. The inner plastic bag was sucked tight around him and clouded up. It looked like something out of an eighties made-for-TV movie, with some washed-up actress taking too many pills and trying to off herself with a Macy's bag. humor lobster Julie Powell
3fc4a58 Megan stepping back let her glance switch from Alma to Isabel and return to Alma. No doubt about it, thought Megan. Created as much alike as any sisters ever had been, their resemblance started with their matching red-and-white polka dot blouses. Since she was a young girl, she had matched their eye colors to their different personalities. cozies cozy cozy-mysteries cozy-mystery humor mysteries-cozy romance whodunit women-sleuths Ed Lynskey
65a7ce8 "Built around 1780... a two-hour train ride from Paris... the neighbor keeps his horses in my backyard... pies made with apples from my own trees..." I caught the highlights of Hugh's broadcast and understood that my first goal was to make him my boyfriend, to trick or blackmail him into making some sort of commitment. I know it sounds calculating, but if you're not cute, you might as well be clever." humor relationships David Sedaris
1ffd6b1 Aren't you sometimes frightened at being planted out here, with nobody to take care of you?' 'There's the tree in the middle,' said the Rose:'what else is it good for?' 'But what could it do, if any danger came?' Alice asked. 'It could bark,' said the Rose. humor plants Lewis Carroll
408553b Every one seems to be scrubbing their white steps. All the houses look like tidy jails, with their outside shutters. Several have crepe on the door-handles, and many have flags flying from roof or balcony. Few men appear, and the women seem to do the business, which, perhaps, accounts for its being so well done. humor Louisa May Alcott
f246706 Well,' Frederick had said, 'I will see what can be arranged, Archie. But I will not have the girl frightened or compromised.' 'You sound like a grandfather who has raised fifteen daughters and is now starting on his granddaughters, Freddie,' Lord Archibald had said. 'It is most disconcerting. dialogue humor mary-balogh regency regency-romance romance witty-banter Mary Balogh
84fa21d "We're leaving," I told her one July afternoon. "We? You and I? Where are we going, young Master Paul? Do you have your belongings tied up in a red-spotted handkerchief on a stick?" -- dialogue humor julian-barnes teasing the-only-story Julian Barnes
f487869 Crap. I thought that picture was you.' He pointed. 'That's not me. That's my mother,' Mal said with a sigh. 'Woah, you really do look like her, you know,' Jay said. 'You two could be twins,' Evie agreed. 'That, my friends, is called genetics,' Carlos said with a smile. humor villains Melissa de la Cruz
1f68492 I didn't know this before, but as it turns out, Tyrannosaurs can really haul ass. humor Jim Butcher
41e411b "Soulmates" is what you aim for, but soup snakes is what you get sometimes." humor love relationships the-office Mindy Kaling
6211c2c The room had the rather sinister tedium which some bedrooms have, a sort of weary banality which is a reminder of death. A dressing table can be a terrible thing. description humor iris-murdoch morbid the-black-prince Iris Murdoch
012dc40 But it is infamous that they have not told you!' declared Eustacie. 'Je n'en reviendrai jamais!' 'If it's all the same to you, miss, I'd just as soon you'd talk in a Christian language,' said Mr. Stubbs. comedy french-language humor humour humourous humourous-quote idiocy idiotic idiots Georgette Heyer
8388289 He had spoken with such absolute confidence that I knew he had to be blowing this out of his rectal orifice. humor humorous Neal Stephenson
44b7533 SMART My dad gave me one dollar bill 'Cause I'm his smartest son, And I swapped it for two shiny quarters 'Cause two is more than one! And then I took the quarters And traded them to Lou For three dimes - I guess he don't know That three is more than two! Just then, along came old blind Bates And just 'cause he can't see He gave me four nickels for my three dimes, And four is more than three! And I took the nickels to Hiram Coombs Down at the seed-feed store, And the fool gave me five pennies for them, And five is more than four! And then I went and showed my dad, And he got red in the cheeks And closed his eyes and shook his head - Too proud of me to speak! humor poetry where-the-sidewalk-ends Shel Silverstein
6f50a9a I shouldn't have to do the foot-soldier work, Tahiri. Be my eyes and ears. I'd hate to have to use ch'hala trees. You're smarter than a tree--aren't you? --Darth Caedus to Tahiri Veila humor jacen-solo star-wars tahiri-veila Karen Traviss
2794e23 She pointed at the text as if it was a piece of rotten meat. I said. I picked the book up and double checked the title, to make sure I hadn't misidentified the subject. I said. I looked up to see she'd already left the room. Simon pointed at the text, grinned and faked a yawn. I said, striding after her. chloe derek humor physics simon Kelley Armstrong
0594adb "Shergahn and friend lay like poleaxed steers, and the Daranfelian's greasy hair was thick with potatoes, carrots, gravy, and chunks of beef. His companion had less stew in his hair, but an equally large lump was rising fast, and Brandark flipped his improvised club into the air, caught it in proper dipping position, and filled it once more from the pot without even glancing at them. He raised the ladle to his nose, inhaled deeply, and glanced at the cook with an impudent twitch of his ears. "Smells delicious," he said while the laughter started up all around the fire. "I imagine a bellyful of this should help a hungry man sleep. Why, just look what a single ladle of it did for Shergahn!" bully defeat delicious food funny good humor humorous laughter lump shame sleep steer stew triumph yummy David Weber
fc8f338 I am something of a connoisseur of the country pile and I must say {he} had done himself remarkably well. At a guess I would say it was from the reign of Queen Anne and had been bunged up by some bewigged ancestor awash with loot from the War of the Spanish Succession or some such lucrative away fixture. humor luxury Sebastian Faulks
450637a With hand gestures, you can fill in a lot of gaps, and the words thing and stuff and -ness also help: patientness instead of patience, fastness instead of speed, honestness instead of honesty. With these choices, many words can be indicated, and pointing or gesticulating usually works. humor words Aimee Bender
3d5565e Maybe taming my tongue will be good for me in the end. But it's pretty hard when you've got a world filled with idiots from Drunkopolis. evil-tongue gossip humor month-3 A.J. Jacobs
86c1b25 El Pelos, cuando le preguntaron en clase de Fisica por las tres reglas de conducta en caso de detonacion nuclear, contesto: - Primero: mirar, porque un espectaculo asi solo se ve una vez en la vida. Segundo: tumbarme y reptar hasta el cementerio mas proximo, y tercero y principal: hacerlo despacio, para que no cunda el panico. Le cascaron un cuatro, pero no le impusieron una contribucion al debate. humor nuclear-bomb Thomas Brussig
f695c6e If this fails to convince, I being out my secret weapon, announcing with portentous deliberation that Barbara. Damn. Walters. Does. Not. Drive. Heard of her? This sort of accusatory conversion of course almost never goes down with native New Yorkers, people who, like Barbara Walters, live in that barbaric third world country that is Manhattan, and thus have yet to hear of newfangled American Advances like automobiles, happiness, and yards. humor new-york-city Sarah Vowell
05481ed "I could write an epic poem about your thighs." "That would amuse polite society rather too much, and I wouldn't like that." "I wouldn't either." She pressed her cheek to his belly. "I can't think of a word to rhyme with marble column." -- humor sex Christina Dodd
05399be All of our lives are governed by a certain degree of faith in bullshit. humor Dan Simmons
87675d9 If you believe in yourself and work hard, your dreams will come true. Well...I guess the people who work hard whose dreams come true don't get to write books about it, so we never really find out what happens to them. So... If you believe in yourself and work hard, you have a fighting shot at having your dreams come true. humor life-lessons Mindy Kaling
211db09 "A soldier: "I know where heaven is and it's Lithuania ... The women are beautiful, pagan, with a practical view towards sex. Who says communism was bad? You're working three levels of advantages: you're a foreign male, you're a rich, exotic American, and their men are a bunch of drunken, criminal slobs." humor lithuania soldiers women Robert D. Kaplan
87d5b7c In my unfortunately infrequent encounters with real passion, I'm rarely as careful as I ought to be. The rationalization goes something like: With all the bullets and mortar rounds I've survived, I must be immune to sexually transmitted diseases. Stupid, I know. More likely, fate will indulge its taste for irony by killing me with AIDS os some other unpleasant alternative. die-by-the-sword humor personal-beliefs Barry Eisler
09a7fd3 Myrna was not astigmatic; the lenses were clear glass; she wore the glasses to prove her dedication and intensity of purpose. hipsters humor ironic John Kennedy Toole
46f2d17 Evangeline mashed the potatoes with excessive force. She could work out her frustration over Logan's obstinance and produce silky smooth potatoes at the same time. Benefits all around. frustration humor Karen Witemeyer
3ba31ed "If the front door is opened," Barris said, "during our absence, my cassette tape recorder starts recording. It's under the couch. It has a two-hour tape. I placed three omnidirectional Sony mikes at three different--" "You should have told me," Arctor said. "What if they come in through the windows?" Luckman said. "Or the back door?" "To increase the chances of their making their entry via the front door," Barris continued, "rather than in other less usual ways, I providentially left the front door unlocked." After a pause, Luckman began to snigger. "Suppose they don't know it's unlocked?" Arctor said. "I put a note on it," Barris said." humor Philip K. Dick
3b80e31 I'm poor and my cat is huge. humor Christopher Moore
1d1fe55 Fuck me,' I said out loud, 'I'm in fairyland. humor peter-grant Ben Aaronovitch
87ca5b9 I'd made the vampire cry. Great. I felt like a real superhero. Harry Dresden, breaker of monsters' hearts. humor women Jim Butcher
81de097 Dess took a deep breath, feeling a rush of relief now that the proclamation had been made. It was sort of like being the first astronomer to spot one of those big dinosaur-extermination-sized asteroids on its way toward Earth. Sure, this was majorly unpleasant news for everyone, including Dess personally, but at least she got to announce it. humor Scott Westerfeld
2c4d405 "When someone makes a spectacular ass of himself, it's always in a French restaurant, never a Japanese or Italian one. The French are the people who slap one another with gloves and wear scarves to cover their engorged hickies. My understanding was that, no matter how hard we tried, the French would never like us, and that's confusing to an American raised to believe that the citizens of Europe should be grateful for all the wonderful things we've done. Things like movies that stereotype the people of France as boors and petty snobs, and little remarks such as "We saved your ass in World War II." Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos were born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by eighty inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are "We're number two!" french humor usa David Sedaris
1ebaa7f Tally really didn't have the strength to explain that she'd really meant her hangover, which was sprawled in her head like an overweight cat, sullen and squishy and disinclined to budge. distopia hangover humor humorous scott-westerfeld tally-youngblood Scott Westerfeld
87f8f52 Yes, and had your hotel proved slightly less psychotic, matters would never have got as far out of hand as they have. humor Richard K. Morgan
78120a5 Many of us would pray not to die in a car crash before we were baptized, like other people pray to not get sick before their employee benefits kick in. fundamentalism humor Nadia Bolz-Weber
003016b Armata, casatoria, biserica si banca: cei patru calareti ai Apocalipsei. dark humor Carlos Ruiz Zafón
2acdf0b There are just people going about what they always do. Talking. Parking crooked. funny human-nature humor location-3548 parking people Markus Zusak
1c6d704 "Where in the nine hells did you ever find the notion that I would fight fair?" -Drizzt Do'Urden" humor R.A. Salvatore
1387c52 "It seems that being a woman is very expensive and time-consuming. My innocence about this is incongruous, given my age, but total. I come from grunge, and then Britpop--scenes where you boast about how little you spend on an outfit ("Three quid! From a jumble sale!" "Ooooh, pricey--I found this jacket in a Dumpster. On a dead man. Under a fox carcass"), and taking pride in "getting ready to go out" consists of little more than washing your face, putting on your Doc Martens/snaeakers, and applying black Barry M nail polish, PS1, on the bus into town." feminism humor Caitlin Moran
5a0d599 So, that's okay. It's not like you're turning into an Endarkened or something, like Kellen's evil stepbrother Anigrel the Black. character-tiercel humor inside-joke james-mallory location-2115 mercedes-lackey page-120 the-phoenix-unchained Mercedes Lackey
7fcdf4a "Before Ernest could start walking back the cat, Melrose put in, "But isn't it rather we who have come here, Mrs. Attaboy?" At her uncomprehending look, he plowed on. "It is their country." "What? Africa?" "If Africa were a country, the answer would be yes." humor Martha Grimes
7f97610 - ?Siempre es usted asi? - ?Como es asi? - sonrio Falco. - Tan engreido. Tan seguro de si mismo. Tan de todo. - Va por dias. - ?Y hoy es uno de esos dias? La miro con cara de buen chico. Directo a los ojos. - Depende de usted. humor Arturo Pérez-Reverte
5b1ea60 "Thanks to Dashiell Hammett. "He was thin, walked with a stick, and was the only private dick I knew who used the pockets of his sport coat. Maybe that means something, maybe not." Ramone Ramone, 2013" fiction humor mystery Thomas deKooning
0eba18f England resembles a ship in its shape' wrote Ralph Waldo Emerson in English Traits. He was wrong... England, of course, resembles a pig, with something on its back. Look at it. It is a hurrying pig; its snout is the south-west in Wales, and its reaching trotters are Cornwall, and its rump is East Anglia. The whole of Britain looks like a witch riding on a pig, and these contours - rump and snout and bonnet, and the scowling face of Western Scotland - were my route. geography humor travel Paul Theroux
88992c5 I gave you three proofs of witchcraft. A cat that drinks blood! A horse that talks! And a man who propagates POODLES! historical humor satire witchcraft Richard Curtis
75e4779 In tutta sincerita, mi sforzo di prendere la faccenda allegramente, anche se, a dispetto delle mie proteste, la maggior parte delle persone trova difficile credermi. Per favore, fidati di me. Posso davvero essere allegra. Posso essere amabile. Affettuosa. Affabile. E queste sono solo le parole che cominciano per A. Non chiedermi pero di essere bella: essere bella non e da me. death humor inspirational Markus Zusak
24787d3 "Oh, God. Not again." Not again? "Do you make a habit of driving into people's houses?" christina-dodd humor life suspense thriller virtue-falls Christina Dodd
3abd390 However, I suppose VH1 *is* selling me something; they're selling nostalgia, which means they're selling my own memories back to me, which means they're selling me to me. humor nostalgia Chuck Klosterman
5bf7831 "You can't walk me to school," Tommy said. He came into the kitchen, sat down before his plate, and stared at it, waiting for Sammy to pile it with eggs. "Mom, you can't possibly. I would die. I would absolutely die." "He would die," Sammy told Rosa. "Which would be very embarrassing for me," Rosa said. "Standing there next to a dead body in front of William Floyd Junior High." humor Michael Chabon
7f23976 In all this flurry of false scientism, the central question went unaddressed: if the possession of a penis and outsize brain were the distinguishing marks of the lords of creation, why was the world not rules by whales? history humor Rosalind Miles
5c0866e She had only two modes of operation: complete control or complete insanity. humor insanity Ilona Andrews
d8f7e6a Only in Xanth would parents see a dragon looming over their children and depart with confidence. humor Piers Anthony
2fd1477 ...and while I had often said that I wanted to die in bed, what I really meant was that in my old age I wanted to be stepped on by an elephant while making love. humor Roger Zelazny
65ee9e7 "Ha um morcego de papel da festa das bruxas pendurado num cordao acima de sua cabeca; ele levanta o braco e da um piparote no morcego, que comeca a girar. - Dia de outono bem agradavel - continua ele. Fala um pouco do jeito como papai costumava falar, voz alta, selvagem mesmo, mas nao se parece com papai; papai era um indio puro de Columbia - um chefe - e duro e brilhante como uma coronha de arma. Esse cara e ruivo, com longas costeletas vermelhas, e um emaranhado de cachos saindo por baixo do bone, esta precisando de dar um corte no cabelo ha muito tempo, e e tao robusto quanto papai era alto, queixo, ombros e peitos largos, um largo sorriso diabolico, muito branco e e duro de uma maneira diferente do que papai era, mais ou menos do jeito que uma bola de beisebol e dura sob o couro gasto. Uma cicatriz lhe atravessa o nariz e uma das macas do rosto, o luga em que alguem o acertou numa briga, e os pontos ainda estao no corte. Ele fica de pe ali, esperando, e, quando ninguem toma a iniciativa de lhe responder alguma coisa, comeca a rir. Ninguem e capaz de dizer exatamente por que ele ri; nao ha nada de engracado acontecendo. Mas nao e da maneira como aquele Relacoes Publicas ri, e um riso livre e alto que sai da sua larga boca e se espalha em ondas cada vez maiores ate ir de encontro as paredes por toda a ala. Nao como aquele riso do gordo Relacoes Publicas . Este som e verdadeiro. Eu me dou conta de repente de que e a primeira gargalhada que ouco ha anos. Ele fica de pe, olhando para nos, balancando-se para tras nas botas , e ri e ri. Cruza os dedos sobre a barriga sem tirar os polegares dos bolsos. Vejo como suas maos sao grandes e grossas. Todo mundo na ala, pacientes, pessoal e o resto, esta pasmo e abobalhado diante dele e da sua risada. Nao ha qualquer movimento para faze-lo parar, nenhuma iniciativa para dizer alguma coisa. Ele entao interrompe a risada, por algum tempo, e vem andando, entrando na enfermaria. Mesmo quando nao esta rindo, aquele ressoar do seu riso paira a sua volta, da mesma maneira com o som paira em torno de um grande sino que acabou de ser tocado - esta em seus olhos, na maneira como sorri, na maneira como fala. [1] - Meu nome e McMurphy, companheiros, R. P. McMurphy, e sou um jogador idiota. - Ele pisca o olho e canta um pedacinho de uma cancao : - .... " e sempre eu ponho ... meu dinheiro ... na mesa " - e ri de novo." humor humorous laughs mental-illness Ken Kesey
6421b42 "God's agenda is so glorious, and His love and purposes for our lives are so great, that everything else pales in comparison. We should all be like Nehemiah, who, when the enemies of Israel tried to get him to come out of the city and talk with them on the Plain of Ono, said, "...I am doing a great work and I cannot come down. Why should the work cease while I leave it and go down to you?" christian-living christian-values encouraging humor priorities Bill Johnson
0a6d920 All at once I felt myself haunted by a terrible vision, of a world without guidance: a land of emptiness, where all was ruled by the madness of chance. How could one endure such a place, where all significance was lost? I myself would mean nothing, but would merely be a kind of self-invention: a speck upon the wind, calling itself Wilson. I felt my spirit waver, as if it were toppling into the abyss before me. humor religion Matthew Kneale
827a153 Reach down inside yourself, Peabody, and get a grip on reality, however slippery. humor J.D. Robb
29e13a3 Ah, we shall never have a real aristocracy while this plebeian reluctance to live upon a parent or a wife continues the animating spirit of our youth. It strikes at the foot of the feudal system! humor youth Howells William Dean
6a3e392 "It's a note. Let me read it for you. 'Couldn't anyone else see that they were all slaves of Satan? I had to cleanse the world of their evil. I am the hand of God. Why else would security have let me into the building with an assault rifle in my suitcase? I am a divine instrument.'" Tommy paused and looked up. "That's all I have so far, but I'll guess I end it with an apology to my mom. What do you think?" evil humor writing Christopher Moore
fc5906a Crud. What was she supposed to do? Protect herself or the pretzels? dilemmas humor pretzels Stephanie Rowe
1501bd2 "The witch turned this way and that, "I think I've kept my figure, don't you?" she asked Mewster. "Who else would want it?" "Don't be snarky." She batted her eyelashes at her reflection. "I do believe I have my mother's eyes." "Maybe it's time you give them back. Your mother's bee dead since the reign of Oleg the Incontinent." humor witch Gregory Maguire
89b82ae Go didn't like grilled cheese; she was scooping peanut butter out of the jar onto saltines. When a commercial break came on, she paused and said, 'If I had a dick, I would fuck this peanut butter.' deliberately spraying cracker bits toward me. 'I think if you had a dick, all sorts of bad things would happen. gillian-flynn humor twins Gillian Flynn
38295de "Falderson," he said quietly to Bahzell in passable Navahkan, "is as stupid as the day is long." He craned his neck to gaze up at the hradani and shook his head. "In fact, he's even stupider than I thought. You, sir, are the biggest damned hradani-no offense-I think I've ever seen." day dumb hradani humor humours large long stupid stupidity tall David Weber
4e3699a If you think it's bad now, my friend, wait till we reach a town!' He shook his head and brushed at his tattered, dirty shirtsleeve. 'Do try to remember we're visitors-and not welcome ones-if you should feel moved to reason with anyone. foreign foreigner foreigners humor humours reason travel traveling unfriendly visitor David Weber
2f41abb Go Home. Cut your losses. Stay. Go for it. You are a republic of voices tonight. Unfortunately, that republic is Italy. All these voices waving their arms and screaming at one another. humor indecision italy mind Jay McInerney
380e9a0 "Only a very careless father would be inclined to tell you what I'm going to tell you. I suppose I'm about to act like the disreputable uncle who everyone fears to leave the boys with because he encourages them to drink distilled spirits, stay up late, and do more than merely kiss girls." "Uh... what?" Mags replied, utterly bewildered now. "I am going," Jakyr said, leaning toward Mags, his eyes dancing with laughter, "to tell you how to please a woman." Max thought for a moment his face that caught fire, because surely it couldn't burn like that without some outside help." humor mentor Mercedes Lackey
38052f7 Wizened and white, with brown blotched on her face the size and complexity of unshelled peanuts, Midge had a jitter in her head that made her pew like a chicken trying to make up its mind what to peck. humor John Irving
7dce9ed Bacon is the meth of meats. humor meat Lisa Scottoline
4f14022 Registration Day' by Gavin Gunhold (1899-- ) Toronto Review of Poetry, 1947 On registration day at taxidermy school I distinctly saw the eyes of the stuffed moose Move. humor moose poetry school taxidermy taxidermy-school Gordon Korman
5e1dbf3 "He smiled - a real smile. Damn. It was easier to deal with him when he was being thoroughly vile. "Look, I'm sorry for being so rude earlier today. Your presence came as something of a shock and I reacted badly." "Oh." Geared for battle, his apology took me utterly by surprise. I gaped. "Aunt Arabella spoke very highly of you," he added, heaping coals of fire on my head. "She was impressed by your work on the Purple Gentian." "Why all this sudden amiability?" I asked suspiciously, crossing my arms across my chest. "Are you always this blunt?" "I'm too tired to be tactful," I said honestly. "Fair enough." Stretching, Colin detached himself from the wall. "Can I make you some hot chocolate as a token of peace? I was just about to have some myself," he added. Suiting action to words, he loped over to the counter beside the sink and checked the level of water in a battered brown plastic electric kettle. Satisfied, he plugged it into the wall, flipping the red switch on the side. I followed him over to the counter, the linen folds of the nightgown trailing after me across the linoleum. "As long as you promise not to slip any arsenic in it." Colin rooted around in a cupboard above the sink for the cocoa tin and held it out to me to sniff. "See? Arsenic free." I leant back against the counter, my elbows behind me on the marble work surface. "I don't think arsenic is supposed to have a smell, is it?" "Damn, foiled again." Colin spooned Cadbury's instant hot chocolate into two mugs, one decorated with large purple flowers, and the other with a quotation that I thought might be Jane Austen, but the author's name was hidden around the other side of the mug. "Look, if it makes you feel better, I promise to do a very bad job hiding your body." "In that case, carry on," I yawned." arsenic colin eloise humor Lauren Willig
10c4fd9 "I gave you all!" screeched Lear, waving a palsied claw at Regan. "And you took your bloody time giving it, too, you senile old fuck," said Regan." humor king-lear paraphrased shakespeare Christopher Moore
60c3c1c Kids. You gotta love them. I adore children. A little salt, a squeeze of lemon--perfect. humor kids storm_front Jim Butcher
377b22c Anyway, the reason I hate communion isn't the meat-eating component. I get hungry enough, I'll eat anything. The reason I hate it is because everybody in the church except me, Jason Bock, stands up and gets in line for their little snack. I sit there alone in the pew while everybody stares at me as they file past. I sit there and burn under hellfire and damnation stare my father gives me. And I feel awful. But what choice do I have? According to Father Haynes, if a nonbeliever takes Holy Communion, he'll be damned for all eternity. Of course, being a nonbeliever damns me anyway, so I suppose it doesn't really matter, but I figure it's safer not to partake. Just in case I'm wrong about the whole God thing. So I sit and endure the stares and the pangs and twinges of Catholic guilt, knowing that I am doing the right thing if I'm right, and the right thing even if I'm wrong. Being Catholic is hard. Being ex-Catholic is even harder. communion godless humor Pete Hautman
6d19853 The Devil waited until he was sure the two policemen were going to keep their side of the bargain. A man called Nietzsche once observed that there is no such thing as moral phenomena, only a moral *interpretation* of them. The Devil had a certain amount of time for Nietzsche. despite the mustache. He'd understood. We look at a squirrel and say it is jumping; but we might as well think about a jump in its essence, and claim that the *jump* is *squirreling*. We do bad things, in other words, but the bad things also do *us*. This is almost never a successful defence in a court of law, but it's true. humor Michael Marshall Smith
859c4b7 Tenemos putrefactores, plagas y oxidos capaces de atacar su alfabeto. Estos son la leche. Tenemos un producto quimico para encoger sus cabanas que penetra las fibras del bambu provocando que las chozas asfixien a sus ocupantes. Esto funciona solo despues de las diez de la noche, cuando la gente duerme. Sus matematicas estan a merced de un supurante numero sordo que hemos inventado. Tenemos una familia de peces entrenados para atacar a sus peces.Tenemos el mortal telegrama destructor de testiculos. Las companias de telecomunicaciones estan colaborando con el proyecto. Tenemos una sustancia verde que, bueno, mejor no hablo de esto. humor war Donald Barthelme
dbe5231 "These poor souls. These poor pathetic souls." The Emperor gestured toward the passersby. "I don't understand," Tommy said. "Their time has passed and they don't know what to do. They were told what they wanted and they believed it. They can only keep their dream alive by being with others like themselves who will mirror their illusions." "They have really nice shoes," Tommy said. "They have to look right or their peers will turn on them like starving dogs. They are the fallen gods. The new gods are producers, creators, doers. The new gods are the chinless techno-children who would rather eat white sugar and watch science-fiction films than worry about what shoes they wear. And these poor souls desperately push papers around hoping that a mystical message will appear to save them from the new, awkward, brilliant gods and their silicon-chip reality. Some of them will survive, of course, but most will fall. Uncreative thinking is done better by machines. Poor souls, you can almost hear them sweating." emperor-of-san-francisco happiness humor metaphor reality shoes Christopher Moore
19d1265 Weightlessness is like heroin, or how I imagine heroin must be. You try it once, and when it's over, all you can think about is how much you want to do it again. But apparently the thrill wears off. funny humor mary-roach sci-fi science space Mary Roach
1321992 "Ci siamo trovati tutti coinvolti in una discussione sul genere di software che progetterebbero i cani, se potessero farlo. Secondo Marty, si tratterebbe di programmi per delimitare il territorio, con simulatori di pipi e interfacce lappabili. Antonella ha tirato fuori l'idea di un OssoFinder. Ad Harold e venuta in mente una cuccia fatta col CAD, tutto altamente cartone animato/sensoriale, con un sacco di elementi visuali. Poi naturalmente e saltata fuori la questione felina del catware. Antonella ha suggerito un programma di segreteria personale in grado di dire al mondo: "No, non voglio essere coccolato. E per favore, controlla tutte le telefonate prima di passarmele". Io ho suggerito un programma che dorme tutto il tempo" humor Douglas Coupland
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