|
923291b
|
I am still not used to being the possessor of such a grand title. I believe I shall have to start wearing a purple satin turban and carrying a lorgnette.
|
|
dialogue
fashion
humor
mary-balogh
regency
regency-romance
romance
witty-banter
|
Mary Balogh |
|
6cd2f30
|
Weddings, I began to understand, were vile, filthy things when they ran amuck.
|
|
humor
marriage
relationships
weddings
|
Laurie Notaro |
|
0331a36
|
Don't let the devil hear you, minister, The devil has such good hearing he doesn't need things to be spoken out loud, Well, god help us then, There's no point asking him for help either, he was born stone-deaf.
|
|
god
humor
religion
|
José Saramago |
|
3fc4a58
|
Megan stepping back let her glance switch from Alma to Isabel and return to Alma. No doubt about it, thought Megan. Created as much alike as any sisters ever had been, their resemblance started with their matching red-and-white polka dot blouses. Since she was a young girl, she had matched their eye colors to their different personalities.
|
|
cozies
cozy
cozy-mysteries
cozy-mystery
humor
mysteries-cozy
romance
whodunit
women-sleuths
|
Ed Lynskey |
|
27983d8
|
"He has got no good red blood in his body," said Sir James. "No. Somebody put a drop under a magnifying glass, and it was all semicolons and parentheses," said Mrs. Cadwallader."
|
|
humor
sarcasm
wit
|
George Eliot |
|
2794e23
|
She pointed at the text as if it was a piece of rotten meat. I said. I picked the book up and double checked the title, to make sure I hadn't misidentified the subject. I said. I looked up to see she'd already left the room. Simon pointed at the text, grinned and faked a yawn. I said, striding after her.
|
|
chloe
derek
humor
physics
simon
|
Kelley Armstrong |
|
408553b
|
Every one seems to be scrubbing their white steps. All the houses look like tidy jails, with their outside shutters. Several have crepe on the door-handles, and many have flags flying from roof or balcony. Few men appear, and the women seem to do the business, which, perhaps, accounts for its being so well done.
|
|
humor
|
Louisa May Alcott |
|
41e411b
|
"Soulmates" is what you aim for, but soup snakes is what you get sometimes."
|
|
humor
love
relationships
the-office
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
44b7533
|
SMART My dad gave me one dollar bill 'Cause I'm his smartest son, And I swapped it for two shiny quarters 'Cause two is more than one! And then I took the quarters And traded them to Lou For three dimes - I guess he don't know That three is more than two! Just then, along came old blind Bates And just 'cause he can't see He gave me four nickels for my three dimes, And four is more than three! And I took the nickels to Hiram Coombs Down at the seed-feed store, And the fool gave me five pennies for them, And five is more than four! And then I went and showed my dad, And he got red in the cheeks And closed his eyes and shook his head - Too proud of me to speak!
|
|
humor
poetry
where-the-sidewalk-ends
|
Shel Silverstein |
|
8f20548
|
"Daddy," said the toddler, now seething with righteous indignation, "you are a poo-poo head!" Feigning outrage, JFK lowered his voice. "John," he said, "no one calls the President of the United States a poo-poo head."
|
|
humor
kids
|
Christopher Andersen |
|
450637a
|
With hand gestures, you can fill in a lot of gaps, and the words thing and stuff and -ness also help: patientness instead of patience, fastness instead of speed, honestness instead of honesty. With these choices, many words can be indicated, and pointing or gesticulating usually works.
|
|
humor
words
|
Aimee Bender |
|
25ca932
|
We are taught to think ourselves ugly. Eyes are an assaulted sense. We are taught to behave by spankings and whippings. Touch is an assaulted sense. We are taught we should not smell, or we smell wrong. Smell is an assaulted sense. We listen to songs that call us 'hos and tell us how to give blow jobs. Hearing is an assaulted sense. Taste, not so much.
|
|
food
hearing
humor
music
sense
smell
songs
taste
|
Alice Randall |
|
455f4d3
|
The Continental army got more generals than they got private soldiers, these days. An officer lives through more 'n two battles, they make him some kind of general on the spot. Now, gettin' any pay for it, that's a different kettle of fish.
|
|
dan-morgan
humor
outlander
revolutionary-war
|
Diana Gabaldon |
|
25a1cdc
|
She was of traditional build herself, but her figure was largely concealed by the folds of a generously cut shift dress made out of a flecked green fabric. It was like a tent, thought Mma Ramotswe--a camouflage tent of the sort that the Botswana Defence Force might use. But I do not sit in judgement on the dresses of others, she told herself, and a tent was a practical enough garment, if that is what one felt comfortable in.
|
|
comfort
humor
judgement
|
Alexander McCall Smith |
|
012dc40
|
But it is infamous that they have not told you!' declared Eustacie. 'Je n'en reviendrai jamais!' 'If it's all the same to you, miss, I'd just as soon you'd talk in a Christian language,' said Mr. Stubbs.
|
|
comedy
french-language
humor
humour
humourous
humourous-quote
idiocy
idiotic
idiots
|
Georgette Heyer |
|
249f1a3
|
"One night when I was pregnant with Henry, I lay in bed thinking for some reason, about "Treasure Island." I realized that from the entire book there was only one sentence I remembered verbatim, something that Ben Gunn, who has been marooned for three years, says to Jim Hawkins: "Many's the long night I've dreamed of cheese -- toasted mostly." I repeated the last two words over and over again, like a mantra. "Toasted, mostly. Toasted mostly."
|
|
humor
|
Anne Fadiman |
|
240f1db
|
The British were unhinged by the colonists' unorthodox fighting style and shocking failure to abide by gentlemanly rules of engagement. One scandalized British soldier complained that the American riflemen 'conceal themselves behind trees etc. till an opportunity presents itself of taking a shot at our advance sentries, which done, they immediately retreat. What an unfair method of carrying on a war!
|
|
funny
humor
revolutionary-war
war
|
Ron Chernow |
|
46f2d17
|
Evangeline mashed the potatoes with excessive force. She could work out her frustration over Logan's obstinance and produce silky smooth potatoes at the same time. Benefits all around.
|
|
frustration
humor
|
Karen Witemeyer |
|
8e0e606
|
Curled up on one of her pillows a gray fluff of kitten yawned, showing its pink tongue, tucked its head under again, and went back to sleep.
|
|
humor
|
Madeleine L'Engle |
|
49bae96
|
Within the same hour as the murder took place, Isabel Trumbo sat in her armchair dozing, the Alaskan Outdoor magazine on her lap. Her kid sister Alma fidgeted in the other armchair, from time to time picking up her newspaper folded over to the day's crossword puzzle.
|
|
cozy
cozy-mysteries
cozy-mystery
humor
mysteries-cozy
romance
whodunit
women-sleuths
|
Ed Lynskey |
|
8dcbddb
|
It's a sad fact of modern life that sooner or later you will end up on YouTube doing something stupid. The trick, according to my dad, is to make a fool of yourself to the best of your ability.
|
|
broken-homes
humor
youtube
|
Ben Aaronovitch |
|
4d38cb7
|
I'm not interested. I never liked him. He's some sort scoundrel.
|
|
dialogue
dislike
humor
iris-murdoch
scoundrel
the-black-prince
|
Iris Murdoch |
|
211db09
|
"A soldier: "I know where heaven is and it's Lithuania ... The women are beautiful, pagan, with a practical view towards sex. Who says communism was bad? You're working three levels of advantages: you're a foreign male, you're a rich, exotic American, and their men are a bunch of drunken, criminal slobs."
|
|
humor
lithuania
soldiers
women
|
Robert D. Kaplan |
|
b639bac
|
"No threatening the cat!" Mr. Snuggly said."
|
|
humor
|
Charlaine Harris |
|
71d3825
|
"New Rule: Stop talking about "the gas prices under Obama." As if he's the guy out there changing the numbers on the sign with that long pole. And while they're at the gas station, Republicans who still think human activity doesn't affect air quality should poke their heads in the men's room."
|
|
gas
gas-prices
humor
obama
oil
|
Bill Maher |
|
b784a88
|
"Your eyes shine," he said. "How do they do that?" "Blood," she said." --
|
|
humor
|
Aimee Bender |
|
1ffd6b1
|
Aren't you sometimes frightened at being planted out here, with nobody to take care of you?' 'There's the tree in the middle,' said the Rose:'what else is it good for?' 'But what could it do, if any danger came?' Alice asked. 'It could bark,' said the Rose.
|
|
humor
plants
|
Lewis Carroll |
|
1f68492
|
I didn't know this before, but as it turns out, Tyrannosaurs can really haul ass.
|
|
humor
|
Jim Butcher |
|
88d612f
|
Malory! You've got a chipmunk on your pussy!
|
|
funny
humor
humorous
|
Tamara Thorne |
|
88d2843
|
So etwas wie ein standiges Spurensicherungsteam gibt es ubrigens nicht. da die Spurensicherung so teuer ist, bestellt man sie beim Innenministerium immer nur happchenweise wie beim chinesischen Lieferservice. Aus der prozession von Plastikanzugen zu schliessen, die an uns voruberzog, hatte Stephanopoulos sich das Super-Deluxe-Menu fur sechs Personen mit einer extraportion Reis gegonnt. Und ich war dann wohl der Gluckskeks.
|
|
humor
|
Ben Aaronovitch |
|
8890cb4
|
"I said, 'Don't talk rot, Old Tom Travers." "I am not accustomed to talk rot," he said. "Then, for a beginner," I said, "you do it dashed well."
|
|
humor
humour
jeeves
jeeves-and-wooster
retort
|
P.G. Wodehouse |
|
88860a8
|
Quote is taken from Chapter 1: Since Etta could log in her rare Baltimore oriole sighting, she decided she'd had enough birding for one day. It was just a fun hobby, not an obsession.
|
|
cozy
cozy-mysteries
cozy-mystery
humor
mysteries-cozy
romance
whodunit
women-sleuths
|
Ed Lynskey |
|
bc5078c
|
Oh my God. Oh my God, J.P. is in love with me. And we blew up the school.
|
|
dramatic-moment
humor
romance
|
Meg Cabot |
|
87d5b7c
|
In my unfortunately infrequent encounters with real passion, I'm rarely as careful as I ought to be. The rationalization goes something like: With all the bullets and mortar rounds I've survived, I must be immune to sexually transmitted diseases. Stupid, I know. More likely, fate will indulge its taste for irony by killing me with AIDS os some other unpleasant alternative.
|
|
die-by-the-sword
humor
personal-beliefs
|
Barry Eisler |
|
87675d9
|
If you believe in yourself and work hard, your dreams will come true. Well...I guess the people who work hard whose dreams come true don't get to write books about it, so we never really find out what happens to them. So... If you believe in yourself and work hard, you have a fighting shot at having your dreams come true.
|
|
humor
life-lessons
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
528863a
|
"The three branches of government number considerably more than three and are not, in any sense, "branches" since that would imply that there is something they are all attached to besides self-aggrandizement and our pocketbooks."
|
|
government
humor
politics
|
P.J. O'Rourke |
|
1abe1a2
|
"Why, you mean you didn't get abducted and dragged across country purely to make us a story for us to chew over endlessly?" asked Pip, tossing his shock of tow-colored hair indignantly. "The nerve!"
|
|
humor
sarcasm
|
Mercedes Lackey |
|
52bc4f8
|
"Well, land sakes!" Hiro says. "Lookee here!" He whips his blade sideways, cutting off both of the businessman's forearms, causing the sword to clatter onto the floor. "Better fire up the ol' barbeque, Jemima!" Hiro continues, whipping the sword around sideways, cutting the businessman's body in half just above the navel. Then he leans down so he's looking right into the businessman's face. "Didn't anyone tell you," he says, losing the dialect, "that I was a hacker?" Then he hacks the guy's head off."
|
|
humor
puns
|
Neal Stephenson |
|
1936dc4
|
The continent did not appeal: France was filled with irritating people; Spain was corrupt and unstable; Russia, impossible; Italy, absurd; Germany, rigid; Portugal, in decline. Holland, thought favorably disposed toward him, was dull. The United States of America, he decided, was a possibility.
|
|
humor
|
Elizabeth Gilbert |
|
86c1b25
|
El Pelos, cuando le preguntaron en clase de Fisica por las tres reglas de conducta en caso de detonacion nuclear, contesto: - Primero: mirar, porque un espectaculo asi solo se ve una vez en la vida. Segundo: tumbarme y reptar hasta el cementerio mas proximo, y tercero y principal: hacerlo despacio, para que no cunda el panico. Le cascaron un cuatro, pero no le impusieron una contribucion al debate.
|
|
humor
nuclear-bomb
|
Thomas Brussig |
|
be5450a
|
I can't deal with angry people until after I've had my morning coffee.
|
|
coffee
henning-mankell
humor
magnus-martinsson
wallander
|
Henning Mankell |
|
17c78e8
|
"I didn't leave that crowd of ocelots to go back into it." [when asked to write the film script for The Osterman Weekend]"
|
|
hollywood
humor
movie-script-writing
|
Robert Ludlum |
|
17bca23
|
Yeah, and if I have to choose between being eaten by the Endarkened and telling my Da I'm a Wildmage, I'm not sure which I'd pick.
|
|
humor
james-mallory
location-3547
mercedes-lackey
the-phoenix-endangered
wildmage
|
Mercedes Lackey |
|
53aaba6
|
I put the odds on a psychic deathmatch between Attila the Hun and Virginia Woolf at fifty-fifty.
|
|
are-you-my-mother
attila-the-hun
deathmatch
humor
virginia-woolf
|
Alison Bechdel |
|
17215e3
|
You watch pro ball and those guys spend so much time with their hands on each other's rear ends, you'd think they were feeling for diamonds or something.
|
|
football
funny
humor
|
Catherine Gilbert Murdock |
|
54821ff
|
"The pig was so earnest. So sincere. So very "there." The pig brought gravity and mythic import to this well-worn fairy tale."
|
|
humor
humorous-quotes
|
Robert Fulghum |
|
7093c35
|
And as the wicked are always ungrateful, and necessity leads to evil doing, and immediate advantage overcomes all considerations of the future, Gines, who was neither grateful nor well-principled, made up his mind to steal Sancho Panza's ass.
|
|
humor
|
Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra |
|
84fa21d
|
"We're leaving," I told her one July afternoon. "We? You and I? Where are we going, young Master Paul? Do you have your belongings tied up in a red-spotted handkerchief on a stick?" --
|
|
dialogue
humor
julian-barnes
teasing
the-only-story
|
Julian Barnes |
|
c0b4ae9
|
I rolled my eyes as the elevator door opened. 'I was thinking more along the lines of Tick and Tock. You know they won't--' 'Holy shit, boss! Did you beat him up with your mouth?' Tick exclaimed loudly as he stood from his perch near the elevator doors. '--keep their mouths shut,' I muttered. 'Jesus,' Tock whispered. 'Gay sex is hardcore.' He jumped up and stood next to me, not knowing what personal space meant. 'I think he was trying to eat you,' he told me. 'Or something,' I agreed.
|
|
hardcore
humor
m-m-romance
|
T.J. Klune |
|
5576e32
|
"Her gaze flickered to the balcony doors and back, her brows knitted in confusion. "My balcony doesn't connect to yours." "I jumped." He grinned at the flash of concern he saw in "her eyes. "At dinner, your grandmother informed me that you'd be moving to the room beside mine. She also mentioned how close my balcony was to yours; so close that even an old lady like herself could leap between the two without the least effort." Venetia's cheeks heated and she pulled her nightgown closer. "Grandmama is anything but subtle." "Almost as subtle as your mother." "Oh, no! Not Mama, too." Gregor paused beside a small table to pick up a silver tray holding a cut crystal decanter and matching glasses and set it on the table before Venetia. "Your mother was concerned I might be afraid of heights. She told me that if she were thinking of jumping between the balconies and couldn't bring herself to make the leap, it might be possible to pick the lock on the connecting door with, say, a cravat pin." Venetia blushed. "I'm surprised they aren't in here now, throwing rose petals before you as you walk." "I would never countenance petal tossing. Too showy."
|
|
family
hilarious
humor
love
lovers
|
Karen Hawkins |
|
c30b988
|
The table was a large one, but the three were all crowded together at one corner of it: 'No room! No room!' they cried out when they saw Alice coming. 'There's of room!' said Alice indignantly, and she sat down in a large arm-chair at one end of the table. 'Have some wine,' the March Hare said in an encouraging tone. Alice looked all round the table, but there was nothing on it but tea. 'I don't see any wine,' she remarked. 'There isn't any,' said the March Hare. 'Then it wasn't very civil of you to offer it,' said Alice angrily. 'It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited,' said the March Hare.
|
|
etiquette
humor
manners
|
Lewis Carroll |
|
8388289
|
He had spoken with such absolute confidence that I knew he had to be blowing this out of his rectal orifice.
|
|
humor
humorous
|
Neal Stephenson |
|
1563858
|
SImon said. Derek said.
|
|
derek
humor
simon
|
Kelley Armstrong |
|
13ae1d4
|
That was the wonderful thing about historical novels, one met so many famous people. It was like reading a very old copy of magazine.
|
|
humor
|
Edward St. Aubyn |
|
6eb5dba
|
"... And what am I to do?" "Well, that depends. Do you like the girl?" "Like her? I don't know. How do you know if...?" "It's very simple. Do you look at her furtively and feel like biting her?" "Biting her?" "On her backside, for example." --
|
|
humor
like
|
Carlos Ruiz Zafón |
|
c54b50d
|
Her philosophy was, if it had a pulse, it could be killed. I didn't really have a philosophy, but I could see how talking with the school director would be difficult for her. If he said something she didn't like, chopping him to tiny pieces wouldn't exactly help me get into the school.
|
|
humor
school
self-control
|
Ilona Andrews |
|
c6b00c6
|
No matter what my fucking last words were, please say they were these: 'I have always known that the pursuit of excellence is a lethal habit.
|
|
humor
last-words
|
John Irving |
|
129bf63
|
When I got home I peered down at the lobster to see how he was doing. The inner plastic bag was sucked tight around him and clouded up. It looked like something out of an eighties made-for-TV movie, with some washed-up actress taking too many pills and trying to off herself with a Macy's bag.
|
|
humor
lobster
|
Julie Powell |
|
1219fcc
|
"Then Jack turned to her. Safari? That was the best excuse you could come up with for me not being at a meeting?" She winced apologetically. "I'm sorry. I'm a terrible liar." What was wrong with simple sickness? A nice, normal bout of food poisoning?" He was in a bad mood. I kind of got carried away," she admitted. Boy, are you lucky I watched Tarzan so much as a kid."
|
|
humor
|
Sarah Mayberry |
|
cb2ac64
|
Along with voting, jury duty, and paying taxes, goofing off is one of the central obligations of American citizenship. So when my friends Joel and Stephen and I play hooky from our jobs in the middle of the afternoon to play Pop-A-Shot in a room full of children, I like to think we are not procrastinators; we are patriots pursuing happiness.
|
|
goofing-off
humor
patriotism
procrastination
|
Sarah Vowell |
|
cb4b9dc
|
You know what happens on live TV? Janet Jackson's Super Bowl Boob happens on live TV. Adele Dazeem happens on live TV. President Al Gore happens on live TV
|
|
humor
|
Shonda Rhimes |
|
0f1d751
|
I want to drink hard liquor, as you call it, before lunch. I've got a mouth like the bottom of the parrot's cage. You wouldn't want me to throw a screaming fit in front of all your officers.
|
|
humor
|
Nevil Shute |
|
6f50a9a
|
I shouldn't have to do the foot-soldier work, Tahiri. Be my eyes and ears. I'd hate to have to use ch'hala trees. You're smarter than a tree--aren't you? --Darth Caedus to Tahiri Veila
|
|
humor
jacen-solo
star-wars
tahiri-veila
|
Karen Traviss |
|
7c56cd9
|
I know you're the only pistol champion we have, but I'd rather they no see enough of you to hit. You're also the only wife I have...
|
|
fargo
humor
wife
|
Clive Cussler |
|
7c3d5b8
|
All this to say Gallo wants to get into your Little Mermaid panties. And if you don't get that, you're dumber than I ever thought, which gives me such a headache to even contemplate. The massive amount of your dumbness. It hurts me,' he whined.
|
|
george
humor
|
MaryJanice Davidson |
|
60447e4
|
It popped up on my Outlook calendar, flagged in red like an inflamed pimple full of infected bureaucratic pus... I've been trying desperately to get it shifted, but no, it is stuck like a king-sized dildo in a guinea pig.
|
|
humor
microsoft
vulgar
|
Charles Stross |
|
e7ad218
|
I rode to the fourth floor, poked around until I found the stairway, and walked down a flight. I almost always do this and I sometimes wonder why. I think someone must have done it in a movie once and I was evidently impressed, but it's really a waste of time, especially when the elevator in question is self-service.
|
|
humor
|
Lawrence Block |
|
7a4b017
|
I tried deep breathing, but seemed to lose contact with myself between each breath, so that the next one was always an emergency. I began to feel faint.
|
|
deep-breathing
dissociation
humor
iris-murdoch
panic-attack
the-black-prince
|
Iris Murdoch |
|
0d485c9
|
'He'll probably end up angling for a threesome. Then I'll have to get my animal name so I can be a part of the group. So Native American of you white boys. I'll probably go for something like Falcon. Or Wolf.' 'Jackass suits you better,' Anna intones.
|
|
humor
who-we-are
|
T.J. Klune |
|
6211c2c
|
The room had the rather sinister tedium which some bedrooms have, a sort of weary banality which is a reminder of death. A dressing table can be a terrible thing.
|
|
description
humor
iris-murdoch
morbid
the-black-prince
|
Iris Murdoch |
|
0ce9884
|
I think it's good to smile at everybody so that everyone knows you love everyone. It's good for human pacifism.
|
|
humor
pacifism
smiling
|
Aimee Bender |
|
0c5b055
|
Long before man traveled into space, rabbis debated how one would observe Shabbat there-not because they anticipated space travel but because Buddhists strive to live with questions and Jews would rather die.
|
|
humor
jews
|
Jonathan Safran Foer |
|
63ec679
|
You should have gone yourself, you ask for a Coke and they come back with orange drink. No one understands the martyrdom of the volunteers for the trip to food concession.
|
|
humor
|
Colson Whitehead |
|
f487869
|
Crap. I thought that picture was you.' He pointed. 'That's not me. That's my mother,' Mal said with a sigh. 'Woah, you really do look like her, you know,' Jay said. 'You two could be twins,' Evie agreed. 'That, my friends, is called genetics,' Carlos said with a smile.
|
|
humor
villains
|
Melissa de la Cruz |
|
6445722
|
My dad's idea of bonding was throwing me in the tar pits to teach me a lesson, though I'm not sure what the lesson was, except to stay the hell away from Da.
|
|
humor
|
Kevin Hearne |
|
0bb3203
|
"Oh God, look what you did." "God's away on business, Kas. Talk to me."
|
|
humor
|
Richard Kadrey |
|
783d533
|
The verdict of this court is that the accused are guilty of witchcraft. The maximum penalty the law allows is to be burned to death.However, in view of your previous good background I am disposed to be lenient. I therefore sentence you to be burned alive.
|
|
humor
satire
witchcraft
|
Richard Curtis |
|
77b6ea3
|
"As boys going to sea immediately become nautical in speech, walk as if they already had their "sea legs" on, and shiver their timbers on all possible occasions, so I turned military at once, called my dinner my rations, saluted all new comers, and ordered a dress parade that very afternoon."
|
|
humor
|
Louisa May Alcott |
|
f695c6e
|
If this fails to convince, I being out my secret weapon, announcing with portentous deliberation that Barbara. Damn. Walters. Does. Not. Drive. Heard of her? This sort of accusatory conversion of course almost never goes down with native New Yorkers, people who, like Barbara Walters, live in that barbaric third world country that is Manhattan, and thus have yet to hear of newfangled American Advances like automobiles, happiness, and yards.
|
|
humor
new-york-city
|
Sarah Vowell |
|
0020c15
|
Whenever Elliot Norther's wife was nervous she baked. With the murder of Harriet Mason, her husband's close colleague at the Faculty, she had been unable to resist a couple of Victoria sponges. During the frenzied press speculation about the identity of the murderer, a Dundee cake had appeared, followed swiftly by a Battenberg and a Lemon Drizzle. Since news of the Wildencrust murder broke, the kitchen, dining room and study had come to resemble the storerooms of an industrial bakery, every surface heaving with the weight of sponge and cream. Yesterday, having at last been overwhelmed by the fear and rumour that swept the town, she had taken herself off to her mother's house in Hampstead, leaving her husband to soldier on alone. When he had last seen his wife, Elliot Norther noticed that she had been putting the finishing touches to an impressive, triple-tiered wedding cake, beating a batch of royal icing into a sickly paste.
|
|
humor
humour
thriller
|
Robert Clear |
|
65a7ce8
|
"Built around 1780... a two-hour train ride from Paris... the neighbor keeps his horses in my backyard... pies made with apples from my own trees..." I caught the highlights of Hugh's broadcast and understood that my first goal was to make him my boyfriend, to trick or blackmail him into making some sort of commitment. I know it sounds calculating, but if you're not cute, you might as well be clever."
|
|
humor
relationships
|
David Sedaris |
|
0a66147
|
[. . .] a super-rat. I nailed it across the eyes once with a lucky shot with the butt of my gun, but it got up again and shat in my telephone.
|
|
humor
|
Warren Ellis |
|
09a7fd3
|
Myrna was not astigmatic; the lenses were clear glass; she wore the glasses to prove her dedication and intensity of purpose.
|
|
hipsters
humor
ironic
|
John Kennedy Toole |
|
fa3b0e7
|
"Leo offered his arm and Cassie took it. Sister and brother strolled aimlessly for a few moments. "Perhaps we have not suffered enough to earn happiness?" Cassie glanced up at him, relieved to note the teasing twinkle in his eye. "I should be happy to make you suffer with a well-placed kick to your backside if that's what you wish." Leo laughed. "I shall pass if you don't mind. Besides, I am barely nine-and-twenty and have plenty of time left to enjoy myself before the need truly arises to settle myself with a wife." He sobered. "You, however--" "Don't say it, Leo," Cassie said firmly. "Or I shall be forced to deliver that kick and a great deal more."
|
|
humor
sibling
|
Victoria Alexander |
|
683d378
|
"That's the unforgivable sin, you know." "What is?" "Refusing to forgive someone." "Refusing to forgive someone is the unforgivable sin?" I asked incredulously."
|
|
humor
irony
sin
|
Phyllis Reynolds Naylor |
|
0594adb
|
"Shergahn and friend lay like poleaxed steers, and the Daranfelian's greasy hair was thick with potatoes, carrots, gravy, and chunks of beef. His companion had less stew in his hair, but an equally large lump was rising fast, and Brandark flipped his improvised club into the air, caught it in proper dipping position, and filled it once more from the pot without even glancing at them. He raised the ladle to his nose, inhaled deeply, and glanced at the cook with an impudent twitch of his ears. "Smells delicious," he said while the laughter started up all around the fire. "I imagine a bellyful of this should help a hungry man sleep. Why, just look what a single ladle of it did for Shergahn!"
|
|
bully
defeat
delicious
food
funny
good
humor
humorous
laughter
lump
shame
sleep
steer
stew
triumph
yummy
|
David Weber |
|
6bb40cd
|
She had one of those husky voices that sounded as if she were permanently coming down with a cold. Men seemed to find that sexy in a woman, which Jackson thought was odd because it made women sound less like women and more like men. Maybe it was a gay thing.
|
|
humor
husky-voice
men
sexy
women
|
Kate Atkinson |
|
35457d5
|
"In the goblin tongue, knowing from the book that Hephaestus spoke it but hoping that the dragon wouldn't know he knew, Drizzt yelled, "When the stupid dragon follows me out, come out and get the rest!" Hephaestus skidded to a stop and spun about, eyeing the low tunnel that led to the mines. The stupid dragon was in a frightful fit, wanting to munch on the imposing drow but fearing a robbery from behind... ...In the end, Hephaestus settled the dilemma as he settled every problem: He vowed to thoroughly eat the next merchant party that came his way."
|
|
humor
|
R.A. Salvatore |
|
0254fe2
|
"Fill me in on the details of your life." "I thought you didn't give a shit." "It'll give me something to do while I wait for you to stab me to death."
|
|
christina-dodd
humor
life
suspense
thriller
virtue-falls
|
Christina Dodd |
|
732644f
|
I put ten sugar cubes in my coffee. I drank it through my tongue, and my blood sang like the Archangel Gabriel as the sugar flooded in. That can't be natural
|
|
humor
|
David Mitchell |
|
9c9a654
|
"It is the way in which the Dark returns, Harrier. I will explain, if you like." "Oh, no," Harrier said. "I'd much rather not know a thing about what we're facing. Let me get dressed first." A few minutes later Harrier came back, dressed for the day. He made another cup of hot cordial for Tiercel, refilled the kettle and started the water brewing for tea, and set some dried fruit to soak for griddle-cakes. "Okay. Now. Ruin my day," he invited."
|
|
character-tiercel
humor
james-mallory
mercedes-lackey
the-phoenix-endangered
|
Mercedes Lackey |
|
9cad063
|
Preparing the communal evening meal sometimes caused arguments. Every village in Sicily had a different recipe for squid and eels, disagreed on what herbs should be disbarred from the tomato sauce. And whether sausages should ever be baked.
|
|
humor
|
Mario Puzo |
|
325bb9b
|
"Tommy looked blank. "What's a flashlight?" "You don't have flashlights?" Jessup said. "Jeeze! A cylinder, like, with batteries inside it, and a light bulb behind glass at one end--" Tommy's blue eyes glinted dangerously. "We have a thing in Scotland that's a cylinder too. Very thin, made of wood, with graphite in the center. We call it a pencil." Jessup hooted. "You think we don't have pencils?" "You think we don't have flashlights?" Tommy snapped. "That's just American dialect. In the English language they're called torches." Emily said mildly, "Actually we're Canadians."
|
|
flashlight
humor
pencil
scotland
|
Susan Cooper |
|
05481ed
|
"I could write an epic poem about your thighs." "That would amuse polite society rather too much, and I wouldn't like that." "I wouldn't either." She pressed her cheek to his belly. "I can't think of a word to rhyme with marble column." --
|
|
humor
sex
|
Christina Dodd |
|
3212530
|
As Martin noted, to the detectives conducting his interview, it was a good thing he'd been inebriated, because otherwise he would have wasted time screaming and running about - especially once he realized he was standing in a pool of blood. Instead, with the slow methodical patience of the drunk and terrified, Martin Turner dialed 999 and asked for the police.
|
|
humor
|
Ben Aaronovitch |
|
cd41297
|
Put some clothes on, you weird, yellow-eyed, table-dancing, werewolf-training, cryptic, stare-me-right-in-the-eyes-and-don't-even-blink wench.
|
|
humor
women
|
Jim Butcher |
|
87f8f52
|
Yes, and had your hotel proved slightly less psychotic, matters would never have got as far out of hand as they have.
|
|
humor
|
Richard K. Morgan |
|
0e384eb
|
A little eccentricity is a help to a general. It helps with the newspapers. The women love it too. Southern women like their men religious and a little mad. That's why the fall in love with preachers.
|
|
humor
love
religion
southern-women
|
Michael Shaara |
|
0e0a46a
|
None of my family is good at being patient. It's why we all become doctors.
|
|
humor
patience
|
Anne McCaffrey |
|
bae5df5
|
Bloody clothing is often a clue that something has gone awry.
|
|
humor
|
Libba Bray |
|
1d1fe55
|
Fuck me,' I said out loud, 'I'm in fairyland.
|
|
humor
peter-grant
|
Ben Aaronovitch |
|
7b88172
|
Ukridge was the sort of man who asks you to dinner, borrows money from you to pay the bill, and winds up the evening by embroiling you in a fight with a cabman.
|
|
humor
udridge
|
P.G. Wodehouse |
|
88992c5
|
I gave you three proofs of witchcraft. A cat that drinks blood! A horse that talks! And a man who propagates POODLES!
|
|
historical
humor
satire
witchcraft
|
Richard Curtis |
|
1ebaa7f
|
Tally really didn't have the strength to explain that she'd really meant her hangover, which was sprawled in her head like an overweight cat, sullen and squishy and disinclined to budge.
|
|
distopia
hangover
humor
humorous
scott-westerfeld
tally-youngblood
|
Scott Westerfeld |
|
b9d68a5
|
Remember to remember: sometimes your adversary is your biggest asset. Where would David be without Goliath? Jesus without Judas?
|
|
achievement-attitude
adversity
bravery
courage
growth
humor
inspiration
irony
life-lessons
motivation
strength
success
wisdom
|
Brandi L. Bates |
|
1f714e1
|
By this point I was eager to emulate Guleed and merge unobtrusively with the imitation French farmhouse fittet cupboard and counter unit behind me.
|
|
humor
|
Ben Aaronovitch |
|
6b2e539
|
Or there's peer tutoring. Oh my god. I'm tutoring the cutest little second grader right now. I totally taught her how to stay within the lines with her eyeshadow.
|
|
humor
tutoring
|
Meg Cabot |
|
b82cbb2
|
Zhizn' -- odinochestvo, izredka narushaemoe bogami, kotorye drazniat nas svoei druzhboi i sluchainym trakhom.
|
|
humor
inspirational
philosophy-of-life
|
Christopher Moore |
|
6cc6f77
|
Un hombre espantoso entra y se mira al espejo. <>. El hombre espantoso me contesta: <>.
|
|
fealdad
hombre
humor
poesía
|
Charles Baudelaire |
|
e7b4f09
|
Over and over again, Harriet read the story about Lazarus in the Bible, but it refused to address even the most basic questions. What had Lazarus to say to Jesus and his sisters about his week in the grave? Did he still smell? Was he able to go back home and carry on living with his sisters, or was he frightening to the people around him and perhaps had to go off somewhere and live by himself like Frankenstein's monster? She could not help thinking that if she, Harriet, had been there, she would have had more to say on the subject than Saint Luke did.
|
|
humor
resurrection
|
Donna Tartt |
|
4f14022
|
Registration Day' by Gavin Gunhold (1899-- ) Toronto Review of Poetry, 1947 On registration day at taxidermy school I distinctly saw the eyes of the stuffed moose Move.
|
|
humor
moose
poetry
school
taxidermy
taxidermy-school
|
Gordon Korman |
|
4e3699a
|
If you think it's bad now, my friend, wait till we reach a town!' He shook his head and brushed at his tattered, dirty shirtsleeve. 'Do try to remember we're visitors-and not welcome ones-if you should feel moved to reason with anyone.
|
|
foreign
foreigner
foreigners
humor
humours
reason
travel
traveling
unfriendly
visitor
|
David Weber |
|
8d560a7
|
A lot of who you were in middle age was determined before you had a chance to manipulate, control, or eve understand the things around you. It was no mystery, he thought, why some old people's minds returned to their youth; the wonder of those years, the discoveries, the first experience with the dirty secret of death, and the first stirrings of lust and love were indelible, drawn in luminous colors on clean canvas. Indeed, the first sex act was so mind-boggling that most people could still remember it clearly twenty, thirty, sixty years later.
|
|
humor
inspirational
life
love
lust
old
romance
science
sex
wisdom
|
Nelson DeMille |
|
226561d
|
She was spontaneously created by the midichlorians,' I said. Both women gave me blank looks. 'Never mind.
|
|
humor
jokes
peter-grant
star-wars
star-wars-reference
|
Ben Aaronovitch |
|
60c3c1c
|
Kids. You gotta love them. I adore children. A little salt, a squeeze of lemon--perfect.
|
|
humor
kids
storm_front
|
Jim Butcher |
|
38052f7
|
Wizened and white, with brown blotched on her face the size and complexity of unshelled peanuts, Midge had a jitter in her head that made her pew like a chicken trying to make up its mind what to peck.
|
|
humor
|
John Irving |
|
611c76f
|
Jody screamed at him: a high, explosive, unintelligible expulsion of pure inhuman frustration--a Hendrix high note sampled and sung by a billion suffering souls in Hell's own choir.
|
|
humor
|
Christopher Moore |
|
24787d3
|
"Oh, God. Not again." Not again? "Do you make a habit of driving into people's houses?"
|
|
christina-dodd
humor
life
suspense
thriller
virtue-falls
|
Christina Dodd |
|
6d19853
|
The Devil waited until he was sure the two policemen were going to keep their side of the bargain. A man called Nietzsche once observed that there is no such thing as moral phenomena, only a moral *interpretation* of them. The Devil had a certain amount of time for Nietzsche. despite the mustache. He'd understood. We look at a squirrel and say it is jumping; but we might as well think about a jump in its essence, and claim that the *jump* is *squirreling*. We do bad things, in other words, but the bad things also do *us*. This is almost never a successful defence in a court of law, but it's true.
|
|
humor
|
Michael Marshall Smith |
|
9b32cc8
|
Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. It makes people think you're dead.
|
|
death
humor
humour
loss
|
Christopher Fowler |
|
254411a
|
"They would regret that they had not killed him; he would get out of that hole and find Juliana sooner or later, even if he had to pursue her to hell itself. "Oh, you won't have to go that far, we are on our way to California," Diego said in farewell"
|
|
humor
love
|
Isabel Allende |
|
afe79bb
|
"Wie fuhlen Sie sich?', fragte der Arzt. 'Etwas in Sorge, ehrlich gesagt. Ich habe getraumt, dass mich Jesus Christus besucht und wir ein langes, tiefgehendes Gesprach gefuhrt haben.'
|
|
das-labyrinth-der-lichter
fermìn
fußball
humor
jesus
witzig
zafon
|
Carlos Ruiz Zafón |
|
003016b
|
Armata, casatoria, biserica si banca: cei patru calareti ai Apocalipsei.
|
|
dark
humor
|
Carlos Ruiz Zafón |
|
9b1603e
|
"It's only when you stop to think about it. I don't stop. - From "Morning"
|
|
humor
introspection
motion
reflection
|
Donald Barthelme |
|
8eadc19
|
"The Hollywooden heads would buy a car for almost any purpose except a worthy one. Many automobiles were purchased to attract members of LA's eight or ten opposite sexes. Since the denizens of America's Gomorrah, were incapable of verbalizing any idea more complex than "box office gross," the expensive car served as a substitute for witty come-on and seductive chat."
|
|
hollywood
humor
los-angeles
sex
|
P.J. O'Rourke |
|
8f87126
|
"PJ's suggested chant, for pointless protest marches: "Five, four, three, two. We don't have a doggone clue!"
|
|
humor
pointless
protest
|
P.J. O'Rourke |
|
4291af3
|
"Or, as Nikolas had said, in tones of admiration, "She can tell you to go to hell in a way that will send you running off to pack your bags."
|
|
girl-power
humor
|
Mercedes Lackey |
|
3fe72fc
|
(...) en cuanto sales de Europa, ya no hay mas que mosquitos. Unos mosquitos verdes, venenosos y pequenos, que se cuelgan por todas partes. Y que dan fiebre, y sueno... y a veces, la locura. Pero no te asustes tu, mi heroe..., tambien hay mosquiteros, y cremas especiales para la piel. Y luego, !la Ciencia! Por cada mosquito que produce Dios, producen una inyeccion los alemanes.
|
|
humor
|
Alejandro Casona |
|
2f41abb
|
Go Home. Cut your losses. Stay. Go for it. You are a republic of voices tonight. Unfortunately, that republic is Italy. All these voices waving their arms and screaming at one another.
|
|
humor
indecision
italy
mind
|
Jay McInerney |
|
abfb7ba
|
"...can we pause for a moment to talk about that term, Innovention? A neologism that, in an effort to turbo-charge meaning, takes two perfectly eloquent and unassailable words and by combining them renders both suspect. It is a word developed by a committee, one that can only be spoken unironically if one is being paid to do so, like menus in chain restaurants that list "Snacketizers" and "Appeteasers." Can't you just taste the process-mapping? The neon-orange layer of melted reconstituted-milk-solids-derived "cheese," the pink stratum of animal-protein-cultured "meat"? Vacuum-packed and irradiated and shipped to some franchise that itself was unpackaged from boxes sent directly from corporate, with ready-made walls of homey, weathered fake brick and battered retro license plates. "Innovention" can only leave a similar taste in the mouth. It makes one suspicious, wondering about the ways in which the object in question is found so wanting, so insufficiently innovative or lacking in invention to warrant this linguistic boost."
|
|
humor
innovention
|
David Rakoff |
|
0c391ed
|
"You can take him, right?" he asks a couple minutes later.
|
|
humor
|
Rodman Philbrick |
|
9157683
|
Every couple of months or so, some boundary breaking article comes out in a nationally published magazine. The article makes a big thesis statement about relationships. Like say how, women don't need men anymore, or how if you're a woman over thirty-five, you should just settle with whatever guy is half-way nice to you, or how monogamy is not feasible, or plausible, or enjoyable, for any human. And we should all be swingers, or a study is released that say's, you don't have to love your kids anymore or something. They're the kind of articles that are e-mailed everywhere and I get them forwarded to me about eight times. I will read one of these articles and immediately afterward I'm so swept up in it, I can't help but think Yes, Yes, that is one-hundred percent right. Finally! Someone has confirmed that little voice in the back of my mind that has always not loved my kids, or I'm so happy I'm that much closer to my swinging lifestyle I've always secretly been craving. I'm normal and now it's a national discussion and others agree and I can feel normal now. But then, a week later I'm thinking, I hate this. I feel awful. This wretched little magazine article has helped convinced more open minded liberal arts graduates that, the nuclear family doesn't exist without some hideous twist, like the dad is allowed to go to an S & M dungeon once a week or something. It makes me cry because it means that fewer and fewer people are believing it's cool to want what I want, which is to be married and have kids and love each other in a monogamous, long-lasting relationship.
|
|
honesty-quotes
humor
lifestyle
mindy-kaling
values
|
Mindy Kaling |
|
918722d
|
"What do you call the weak point?" He paused. "The fact that the average American looks down on his wife."
|
|
humor
marriage
relationships
undine-spragg
weak-point
|
Edith Wharton |
|
ab6009e
|
Mary had been raised in a family where blood was as thick as tomato sauce.
|
|
humor
italian
|
Lisa Scottoline |
|
35567fa
|
Nunca discutas sobre Dios. Lo mejor es decir 'Estoy de acuerdo contigo'. Entonces vas a tu casa y rezas lo que tu quieres. Esta es mi idea para que las personas esten en paz con la religion.
|
|
humor
religion
|
Elizabeth Gilbert |
|
fd16506
|
"I believe in the unity of all living things. God is in us and in all that exists." "So, when you eat a carrot, aren't you eating God?"
|
|
god
humor
left-behind
ryan
|
Jerry B. Jenkins |
|
0c0dca4
|
When she looked at him with those dark eyes, Nassar felt the urge to say something intelligent and deeply impressive. Unfortunately, nothing of the kind came to mind.
|
|
funny
humor
romance
|
Ilona Andrews |
|
3f82c21
|
"All faults or defects, from the slightest misconduct to the most flagitious crime, Pantocyclus attributed to some deviation from perfect Regularity in the bodily figure, caused perhaps (if not congenital) by some collision in a crowd; by neglect to take exercise, or by taking too much of it; or even by a sudden change of temperature, resulting in a shrinkage or expansion in some too susceptible part of the frame. Therefore, concluded that illustrious Philosopher, neither good conduct nor bad conduct is a fit subject, in any sober estimation, for either praise or blame. For why should you praise, for example, the integrity of a Square who faithfully defends the interests of his client, when you ought in reality rather to admire the exact precision of his right angles? Or again, why blame a lying, thievish Isosceles when you ought rather to deplore the incurable inequality of his sides? Theoretically, this doctrine is unquestionable; but it has practical drawbacks. In dealing with an Isosceles, if a rascal pleads that he cannot help stealing because of his unevenness, you reply that for that very reason, because he cannot help being a nuisance to his neighbours, you, the Magistrate, cannot help sentencing him to be consumed - and there's an end of the matter. But in little domestic difficulties, where the penalty of consumption, or death, is out of the question, this theory of Configuration sometimes comes in awkwardly; and I must confess that occasionally when one of my own Hexagonal Grandsons pleads as an excuse for his disobedience that a sudden change of the temperature has been too much for his perimeter, and that I ought to lay the blame not on him but on his Configuration, which can only be strengthened by abundance of the choicest sweetmeats, I neither see my way logically to reject, nor practically to accept, his conclusions. For my own part, I find it best to assume that a good sound scolding or castigation has some latent and strengthening influence on my Grandson's Configuration; though I own that I have no grounds for thinking so. At all events I am not alone in my way of extricating myself from this dilemma; for I find that many of the highest Circles, sitting as Judges in law courts, use praise and blame towards Regular and Irregular Figures; and in their homes I know by experience that, when scolding their children, they speak about "right" or "wrong" as vehemently and passionately as if they believed that these names represented real existences, and that a human Figure is really capable of choosing between them."
|
|
humor
logic
morality
punishment
right-and-wrong
|
Edwin A. Abbott |
|
2fd1477
|
...and while I had often said that I wanted to die in bed, what I really meant was that in my old age I wanted to be stepped on by an elephant while making love.
|
|
humor
|
Roger Zelazny |
|
31d0d58
|
"..."Holy crap!" Rachel wondered what it was about extreme disaster that made people invoke both religion and excrement - bookends to mark the polarities of human condition?"
|
|
humor
|
Douglas Coupland |
|
38295de
|
"Falderson," he said quietly to Bahzell in passable Navahkan, "is as stupid as the day is long." He craned his neck to gaze up at the hradani and shook his head. "In fact, he's even stupider than I thought. You, sir, are the biggest damned hradani-no offense-I think I've ever seen."
|
|
day
dumb
hradani
humor
humours
large
long
stupid
stupidity
tall
|
David Weber |
|
31c3458
|
I've got some athletes who do best on 70% carbs, 20% protein, 10% fat. But they deserve their carbohydrates. They've got a great pancreas, they're in- sulin-sensitive, blah, blah, blah, they've got a lot of muscle mass. But some athletes, they're allowed 10 licks of a dried prune every 6 months. That's all they deserve and that's all they'll get. And after 6 months, they're actually al- lowed to look at calendar pictures of cakes once a week.
|
|
humor
weight
workout
|
Timothy Ferriss |
|
97d2743
|
The only thing more pitiful than a middle-aged punk is a white Rastafarian. I did meet one of those once, and he was lonelier than I was.
|
|
humor
people
|
Louis de Bernières |
|
29a12c4
|
For an instant Stile was daunted by the improbability of it all: a man, a cyborg, a robot, an animalhead, and a wooden golem, all riding unicorns through a battlefield strewn with goblins and dragons, pursuing an invaluable ball of power-rock that rolled along a channel cleared by plastic explosive. What a mishmash!
|
|
humor
magic
science
|
Piers Anthony |