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c30b988 The table was a large one, but the three were all crowded together at one corner of it: 'No room! No room!' they cried out when they saw Alice coming. 'There's of room!' said Alice indignantly, and she sat down in a large arm-chair at one end of the table. 'Have some wine,' the March Hare said in an encouraging tone. Alice looked all round the table, but there was nothing on it but tea. 'I don't see any wine,' she remarked. 'There isn't any,' said the March Hare. 'Then it wasn't very civil of you to offer it,' said Alice angrily. 'It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited,' said the March Hare. etiquette humor manners Lewis Carroll
1ffd6b1 Aren't you sometimes frightened at being planted out here, with nobody to take care of you?' 'There's the tree in the middle,' said the Rose:'what else is it good for?' 'But what could it do, if any danger came?' Alice asked. 'It could bark,' said the Rose. humor plants Lewis Carroll
8890cb4 "I said, 'Don't talk rot, Old Tom Travers." "I am not accustomed to talk rot," he said. "Then, for a beginner," I said, "you do it dashed well." humor humour jeeves jeeves-and-wooster retort P.G. Wodehouse
64cffca How sharper than a serpent's tooth, I remember Jeeves saying once, it is to have a thankless child, and it isn't a dashed sight better having a thankless aunt. humor P.G. Wodehouse
dfc25b2 Yossarian was moved by such intense pity for his poverty that he wanted to smash his pale. sad, sickly face with his fist and knock him out of existence humor humour Joseph Heller
93fbd3c "Maybe a holiday miracle will change Mearth's awful behavior," Mandy suggested with optimism. "The only holiday miracle around here is that Mearth hasn't murdered us both yet," said Alecto, lighting another cigarette, his hands shaking erratically. He looked exhausted and terrified, his gray eyes soulless. "Do you know what Mearth likes, Alecto?" Mandy questioned. "Vegetables, she likes celery a lot, and lettuce," Alecto responded in a quiet monotone. "I don't know what else she likes. I've never asked her." "Well, she has to like something... doesn't everyone?" "Not her, Mandy Valems." christmas cigarette comedy gift going-green hoiday humor lettuce miracle mother-earth murder present vegetables Rebecca McNutt
2e7cdfa How bad do you want cancer? Bad enough to eat a rainbow of it? Personally, I think the red cancer would be the worst, but anything you swallow with artificial hues in it is going to pop a tumor out of your body the day after you eat it. food humor snark Laurie Notaro
6cd2f30 Weddings, I began to understand, were vile, filthy things when they ran amuck. humor marriage relationships weddings Laurie Notaro
fc8f338 I am something of a connoisseur of the country pile and I must say {he} had done himself remarkably well. At a guess I would say it was from the reign of Queen Anne and had been bunged up by some bewigged ancestor awash with loot from the War of the Spanish Succession or some such lucrative away fixture. humor luxury Sebastian Faulks
e625021 The walking tour guides one through the city's various landmarks, reciting bits of information the listener might find enlightening. I learned, for example, that in the late 1500s my little neighborhood square was a popular spot for burning people alive. Now lined with a row of small shops, the tradition continues, though in a figurative rather than literal sense. david-sedaris france funny-quotes humor satire David Sedaris
6eb5dba "... And what am I to do?" "Well, that depends. Do you like the girl?" "Like her? I don't know. How do you know if...?" "It's very simple. Do you look at her furtively and feel like biting her?" "Biting her?" "On her backside, for example." -- humor like Carlos Ruiz Zafón
d510c11 I shall not attempt here to describe my marriage. Some impression of it will doubtless emerge. For the present story, its general nature rather than its detail is important. It was not a success. At first I saw her as a life-bringer. Then I saw her as a death-bringer. Some women are like that. There is a sort of energy which seems to reveal the world: then one day you find you are being devoured. Fellow victims will know what I mean. Possibly I am a natural bachelor. humor iris-murdoch marriage omission relationships the-black-prince Iris Murdoch
69f934e You get so worked up and flowery! You sound as if you were quoting something all the time! flowery humor iris-murdoch quoting the-black-prince Iris Murdoch
0f1d751 I want to drink hard liquor, as you call it, before lunch. I've got a mouth like the bottom of the parrot's cage. You wouldn't want me to throw a screaming fit in front of all your officers. humor Nevil Shute
88d612f Malory! You've got a chipmunk on your pussy! funny humor humorous Tamara Thorne
add5aa8 The universe has certain rules. Among them are: And: And most applicable in this case: The first rule could be, at a stretch, applied to Tony Stark and the Iron Man suit, considering recent events. One notable exception to the second rule was currently swinging around New York City on a spider web, which did not bear thinking about. humor iron-man rules spiderman Eoin Colfer
f487869 Crap. I thought that picture was you.' He pointed. 'That's not me. That's my mother,' Mal said with a sigh. 'Woah, you really do look like her, you know,' Jay said. 'You two could be twins,' Evie agreed. 'That, my friends, is called genetics,' Carlos said with a smile. humor villains Melissa de la Cruz
60447e4 It popped up on my Outlook calendar, flagged in red like an inflamed pimple full of infected bureaucratic pus... I've been trying desperately to get it shifted, but no, it is stuck like a king-sized dildo in a guinea pig. humor microsoft vulgar Charles Stross
c266e10 Even Sally wound't want to cross fans with the Dowager Duchess of Dovedale. The woman had a tongue of steel and drank the blood of young virgins for breakfast. humor Lauren Willig
f2fb309 "My name," said Mr. Fresh. "Pardon?" Charlie stopped tying himself up. "I dress in mint green because of my first name. It's Minty." christopher-moore humor minty-fresh Christopher Moore
4d38cb7 I'm not interested. I never liked him. He's some sort scoundrel. dialogue dislike humor iris-murdoch scoundrel the-black-prince Iris Murdoch
d066025 Word of advice, sister mine. If you want to keep your papers private, don't write 'Private' on the cover. It set the mater right off. It was all I could do to stop her sniffing around like some great sniffing thing. funny-quotes humor turnip Lauren Willig
13ae1d4 That was the wonderful thing about historical novels, one met so many famous people. It was like reading a very old copy of magazine. humor Edward St. Aubyn
1936dc4 The continent did not appeal: France was filled with irritating people; Spain was corrupt and unstable; Russia, impossible; Italy, absurd; Germany, rigid; Portugal, in decline. Holland, thought favorably disposed toward him, was dull. The United States of America, he decided, was a possibility. humor Elizabeth Gilbert
6211c2c The room had the rather sinister tedium which some bedrooms have, a sort of weary banality which is a reminder of death. A dressing table can be a terrible thing. description humor iris-murdoch morbid the-black-prince Iris Murdoch
e03cba8 The married thing. Sometimes I look at it and feel like someone from a Dickens novel, standing outside in the cold and staring in at Christmas dinner. Relationships hadn't ever really worked for me. I think it's had something to do with all the demons, ghosts, and human sacrifice. harry-dresden humor love michael-carpenter Jim Butcher
7a4b017 I tried deep breathing, but seemed to lose contact with myself between each breath, so that the next one was always an emergency. I began to feel faint. deep-breathing dissociation humor iris-murdoch panic-attack the-black-prince Iris Murdoch
c54b50d Her philosophy was, if it had a pulse, it could be killed. I didn't really have a philosophy, but I could see how talking with the school director would be difficult for her. If he said something she didn't like, chopping him to tiny pieces wouldn't exactly help me get into the school. humor school self-control Ilona Andrews
7c56cd9 I know you're the only pistol champion we have, but I'd rather they no see enough of you to hit. You're also the only wife I have... fargo humor wife Clive Cussler
0a66147 [. . .] a super-rat. I nailed it across the eyes once with a lucky shot with the butt of my gun, but it got up again and shat in my telephone. humor Warren Ellis
9707da8 I adore your jealousy, especially when it's so misplaced. I expect Shakespeare wrote a sonnet about that. humor iris-murdoch jealousy misplaced the-message-to-the-planet Iris Murdoch
88860a8 Quote is taken from Chapter 1: Since Etta could log in her rare Baltimore oriole sighting, she decided she'd had enough birding for one day. It was just a fun hobby, not an obsession. cozy cozy-mysteries cozy-mystery humor mysteries-cozy romance whodunit women-sleuths Ed Lynskey
a870d24 Petey Samson gave the ladies an over-the-shoulder glance. He realized no doggie treat was forthcoming, even from Isabel who was usually the soft mark to hit up. He scratched his front claws to re-attack the sand. cozy cozy-mysteries cozy-mystery humor mysteries-cozy romance whodunit women-sleuths Ed Lynskey
54821ff "The pig was so earnest. So sincere. So very "there." The pig brought gravity and mythic import to this well-worn fairy tale." humor humorous-quotes Robert Fulghum
968dd0d My mom once told me that my dad had given me an alliterative name, Wade Watts, because he thought it sounded like the secret identity of a superhero. Like Peter Parker or Clark Kent. humor secret-identity superhero-reference superheroes Ernest Cline
e10a5ee Lily liked the fog, and didn't even mind the cold wind. She reckoned that Ocean Beach, the dunes there, and the Sunset were the closest San Francisco was going to come to the foreboding, wind-swept moors of England, where she had aspired to suffer romance and heartache when she was a kid. The foghorn, however, rather than a lonesome lament that conjured images of Heathcliff's dark figure, waiting with clenched jaw on the moor for her to bring light and warmth into his life, sounded like a distressed moose tied up in her neighbor's garage, having his nut sack singed with jumper cables at a precise interval calculated to keep her from falling asleep. Which, in turn, made her think of what complete douche bags people could be when all you wanted to do was borrow a defibrillator. Then she was awake and angry. heathcliff humor san-francisco Christopher Moore
0331a36 Don't let the devil hear you, minister, The devil has such good hearing he doesn't need things to be spoken out loud, Well, god help us then, There's no point asking him for help either, he was born stone-deaf. god humor religion José Saramago
6445722 My dad's idea of bonding was throwing me in the tar pits to teach me a lesson, though I'm not sure what the lesson was, except to stay the hell away from Da. humor Kevin Hearne
0254fe2 "Fill me in on the details of your life." "I thought you didn't give a shit." "It'll give me something to do while I wait for you to stab me to death." christina-dodd humor life suspense thriller virtue-falls Christina Dodd
3b80e31 I'm poor and my cat is huge. humor Christopher Moore
05481ed "I could write an epic poem about your thighs." "That would amuse polite society rather too much, and I wouldn't like that." "I wouldn't either." She pressed her cheek to his belly. "I can't think of a word to rhyme with marble column." -- humor sex Christina Dodd
f6ccba7 I need a hug from you to make me feel better about the fact I need a hug from you. hugging humor humor-relationships romantic-comedy Stephanie Rowe
0594adb "Shergahn and friend lay like poleaxed steers, and the Daranfelian's greasy hair was thick with potatoes, carrots, gravy, and chunks of beef. His companion had less stew in his hair, but an equally large lump was rising fast, and Brandark flipped his improvised club into the air, caught it in proper dipping position, and filled it once more from the pot without even glancing at them. He raised the ladle to his nose, inhaled deeply, and glanced at the cook with an impudent twitch of his ears. "Smells delicious," he said while the laughter started up all around the fire. "I imagine a bellyful of this should help a hungry man sleep. Why, just look what a single ladle of it did for Shergahn!" bully defeat delicious food funny good humor humorous laughter lump shame sleep steer stew triumph yummy David Weber
f477e1a For a long time it puzzled me how something so expensive, so leading edge, could be so useless, and then it occurred to me that a computer is a stupid machine with the ability to do incredibly smart things, while computer programmers are smart people with the ability to do incredibly stupid things. They are, in short, a perfect match. humor Bill Bryson
923291b I am still not used to being the possessor of such a grand title. I believe I shall have to start wearing a purple satin turban and carrying a lorgnette. dialogue fashion humor mary-balogh regency regency-romance romance witty-banter Mary Balogh
f246706 Well,' Frederick had said, 'I will see what can be arranged, Archie. But I will not have the girl frightened or compromised.' 'You sound like a grandfather who has raised fifteen daughters and is now starting on his granddaughters, Freddie,' Lord Archibald had said. 'It is most disconcerting. dialogue humor mary-balogh regency regency-romance romance witty-banter Mary Balogh
d9403c8 My hens all died and my plow is broke My well is dry and my yak just croaked My farm's all rotted straight down to the roots But I don't care because now I can wearrrrr--! My worldwide, superglide, yellow-dyed, verified, Certified, ratified, justified and dignified, Qualified ironside, fortified and purified, Bona fide, amplified, khernhide boots! humor songs Kevin Hearne
17bca23 Yeah, and if I have to choose between being eaten by the Endarkened and telling my Da I'm a Wildmage, I'm not sure which I'd pick. humor james-mallory location-3547 mercedes-lackey the-phoenix-endangered wildmage Mercedes Lackey
9c9a654 "It is the way in which the Dark returns, Harrier. I will explain, if you like." "Oh, no," Harrier said. "I'd much rather not know a thing about what we're facing. Let me get dressed first." A few minutes later Harrier came back, dressed for the day. He made another cup of hot cordial for Tiercel, refilled the kettle and started the water brewing for tea, and set some dried fruit to soak for griddle-cakes. "Okay. Now. Ruin my day," he invited." character-tiercel humor james-mallory mercedes-lackey the-phoenix-endangered Mercedes Lackey
1abe1a2 "Why, you mean you didn't get abducted and dragged across country purely to make us a story for us to chew over endlessly?" asked Pip, tossing his shock of tow-colored hair indignantly. "The nerve!" humor sarcasm Mercedes Lackey
49bae96 Within the same hour as the murder took place, Isabel Trumbo sat in her armchair dozing, the Alaskan Outdoor magazine on her lap. Her kid sister Alma fidgeted in the other armchair, from time to time picking up her newspaper folded over to the day's crossword puzzle. cozy cozy-mysteries cozy-mystery humor mysteries-cozy romance whodunit women-sleuths Ed Lynskey
7c3d5b8 All this to say Gallo wants to get into your Little Mermaid panties. And if you don't get that, you're dumber than I ever thought, which gives me such a headache to even contemplate. The massive amount of your dumbness. It hurts me,' he whined. george humor MaryJanice Davidson
d0674e1 They were not beggars; well, not in the usual sense. They were Christians, who wanted not just my nephew's money but their souls. delphi humor souls Lindsey Davis
a734c1c "I have lots of faith," the fallen angel said as he crouched down and coaxed the dog closer. "I have faith that this is a bad idea. She's not going to belive you. She's going to think we're nuts. She's going to call the police unless she has a record, and if she does she'll run away." humor Kim Harrison
683d378 "That's the unforgivable sin, you know." "What is?" "Refusing to forgive someone." "Refusing to forgive someone is the unforgivable sin?" I asked incredulously." humor irony sin Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
35457d5 "In the goblin tongue, knowing from the book that Hephaestus spoke it but hoping that the dragon wouldn't know he knew, Drizzt yelled, "When the stupid dragon follows me out, come out and get the rest!" Hephaestus skidded to a stop and spun about, eyeing the low tunnel that led to the mines. The stupid dragon was in a frightful fit, wanting to munch on the imposing drow but fearing a robbery from behind... ...In the end, Hephaestus settled the dilemma as he settled every problem: He vowed to thoroughly eat the next merchant party that came his way." humor R.A. Salvatore
9cad063 Preparing the communal evening meal sometimes caused arguments. Every village in Sicily had a different recipe for squid and eels, disagreed on what herbs should be disbarred from the tomato sauce. And whether sausages should ever be baked. humor Mario Puzo
1219fcc "Then Jack turned to her. Safari? That was the best excuse you could come up with for me not being at a meeting?" She winced apologetically. "I'm sorry. I'm a terrible liar." What was wrong with simple sickness? A nice, normal bout of food poisoning?" He was in a bad mood. I kind of got carried away," she admitted. Boy, are you lucky I watched Tarzan so much as a kid." humor Sarah Mayberry
0d485c9 'He'll probably end up angling for a threesome. Then I'll have to get my animal name so I can be a part of the group. So Native American of you white boys. I'll probably go for something like Falcon. Or Wolf.' 'Jackass suits you better,' Anna intones. humor who-we-are T.J. Klune
ab0a60b "Methinks the lady doth protest too much," said Iago. "Methinks the lady protests just the right amount," said Emilia. "Methinks the lady is just getting fucking started protesting." humor shakespeare Christopher Moore
84fa21d "We're leaving," I told her one July afternoon. "We? You and I? Where are we going, young Master Paul? Do you have your belongings tied up in a red-spotted handkerchief on a stick?" -- dialogue humor julian-barnes teasing the-only-story Julian Barnes
783d533 The verdict of this court is that the accused are guilty of witchcraft. The maximum penalty the law allows is to be burned to death.However, in view of your previous good background I am disposed to be lenient. I therefore sentence you to be burned alive. humor satire witchcraft Richard Curtis
c6b00c6 No matter what my fucking last words were, please say they were these: 'I have always known that the pursuit of excellence is a lethal habit. humor last-words John Irving
528863a "The three branches of government number considerably more than three and are not, in any sense, "branches" since that would imply that there is something they are all attached to besides self-aggrandizement and our pocketbooks." government humor politics P.J. O'Rourke
129bf63 When I got home I peered down at the lobster to see how he was doing. The inner plastic bag was sucked tight around him and clouded up. It looked like something out of an eighties made-for-TV movie, with some washed-up actress taking too many pills and trying to off herself with a Macy's bag. humor lobster Julie Powell
25ca932 We are taught to think ourselves ugly. Eyes are an assaulted sense. We are taught to behave by spankings and whippings. Touch is an assaulted sense. We are taught we should not smell, or we smell wrong. Smell is an assaulted sense. We listen to songs that call us 'hos and tell us how to give blow jobs. Hearing is an assaulted sense. Taste, not so much. food hearing humor music sense smell songs taste Alice Randall
c0b4ae9 I rolled my eyes as the elevator door opened. 'I was thinking more along the lines of Tick and Tock. You know they won't--' 'Holy shit, boss! Did you beat him up with your mouth?' Tick exclaimed loudly as he stood from his perch near the elevator doors. '--keep their mouths shut,' I muttered. 'Jesus,' Tock whispered. 'Gay sex is hardcore.' He jumped up and stood next to me, not knowing what personal space meant. 'I think he was trying to eat you,' he told me. 'Or something,' I agreed. hardcore humor m-m-romance T.J. Klune
87d5b7c In my unfortunately infrequent encounters with real passion, I'm rarely as careful as I ought to be. The rationalization goes something like: With all the bullets and mortar rounds I've survived, I must be immune to sexually transmitted diseases. Stupid, I know. More likely, fate will indulge its taste for irony by killing me with AIDS os some other unpleasant alternative. die-by-the-sword humor personal-beliefs Barry Eisler
dd21a15 "I wonder where everyone is," she muttered. "Sleeping, if they have any idea what's good for them," Dunford replied acerbically. "I suppose we could get started on our own," she said doubtfully. For the first time all morning he smiled broadly and meant it. "I know less than nothing about stonemasonry, so I vote we wait." humor Julia Quinn
da35f69 " - Ah,temos um mas. Voce devia ter sido critica literaria. Eles atiram-nos flores e depois dao-nos um pontape nos tomates." pag.130" cat-delanay humor Sandra Brown
09a7fd3 Myrna was not astigmatic; the lenses were clear glass; she wore the glasses to prove her dedication and intensity of purpose. hipsters humor ironic John Kennedy Toole
fcdab53 "Pamela produced placid babies. "They don't tend to turn feral until they're two," she said." children humor Kate Atkinson
6bb40cd She had one of those husky voices that sounded as if she were permanently coming down with a cold. Men seemed to find that sexy in a woman, which Jackson thought was odd because it made women sound less like women and more like men. Maybe it was a gay thing. humor husky-voice men sexy women Kate Atkinson
8ef8beb One is forced to examine one's life when trapped in the wall by a Murphy bed. humor rene-gutteridge Cheryl McKay
732644f I put ten sugar cubes in my coffee. I drank it through my tongue, and my blood sang like the Archangel Gabriel as the sugar flooded in. That can't be natural humor David Mitchell
e0ed3d6 This Henry lived in Edinburgh, making him inaccessible and giving her something to do on the weekends -- 'Oh, just flying up to Scotland, Henry's taking me fishing,' which is the kind of thing she imagined people doing in Scotland -- she always thought of the Queen Mother, incongruous in mackintosh and waders, standing in the middle of a shallow brown river (somewhere on the outskirts of Brigadoon, no doubt) and casting a line for trout. humor queen-mother royal-family satire scotland Kate Atkinson
86c1b25 El Pelos, cuando le preguntaron en clase de Fisica por las tres reglas de conducta en caso de detonacion nuclear, contesto: - Primero: mirar, porque un espectaculo asi solo se ve una vez en la vida. Segundo: tumbarme y reptar hasta el cementerio mas proximo, y tercero y principal: hacerlo despacio, para que no cunda el panico. Le cascaron un cuatro, pero no le impusieron una contribucion al debate. humor nuclear-bomb Thomas Brussig
44b7533 SMART My dad gave me one dollar bill 'Cause I'm his smartest son, And I swapped it for two shiny quarters 'Cause two is more than one! And then I took the quarters And traded them to Lou For three dimes - I guess he don't know That three is more than two! Just then, along came old blind Bates And just 'cause he can't see He gave me four nickels for my three dimes, And four is more than three! And I took the nickels to Hiram Coombs Down at the seed-feed store, And the fool gave me five pennies for them, And five is more than four! And then I went and showed my dad, And he got red in the cheeks And closed his eyes and shook his head - Too proud of me to speak! humor poetry where-the-sidewalk-ends Shel Silverstein
46f2d17 Evangeline mashed the potatoes with excessive force. She could work out her frustration over Logan's obstinance and produce silky smooth potatoes at the same time. Benefits all around. frustration humor Karen Witemeyer
e7ad218 I rode to the fourth floor, poked around until I found the stairway, and walked down a flight. I almost always do this and I sometimes wonder why. I think someone must have done it in a movie once and I was evidently impressed, but it's really a waste of time, especially when the elevator in question is self-service. humor Lawrence Block
3fc4a58 Megan stepping back let her glance switch from Alma to Isabel and return to Alma. No doubt about it, thought Megan. Created as much alike as any sisters ever had been, their resemblance started with their matching red-and-white polka dot blouses. Since she was a young girl, she had matched their eye colors to their different personalities. cozies cozy cozy-mysteries cozy-mystery humor mysteries-cozy romance whodunit women-sleuths Ed Lynskey
b639bac "No threatening the cat!" Mr. Snuggly said." humor Charlaine Harris
8dcbddb It's a sad fact of modern life that sooner or later you will end up on YouTube doing something stupid. The trick, according to my dad, is to make a fool of yourself to the best of your ability. broken-homes humor youtube Ben Aaronovitch
a656905 (...) my money guy Richard is going without a tie now, like a politician who wants to appeal to the suffering common man (or perhaps every morning his firm takes the ties and shoelaces away from the brokers and financial planners to keep them from offing themselves) finance humor suicide Jess Walter
6f50a9a I shouldn't have to do the foot-soldier work, Tahiri. Be my eyes and ears. I'd hate to have to use ch'hala trees. You're smarter than a tree--aren't you? --Darth Caedus to Tahiri Veila humor jacen-solo star-wars tahiri-veila Karen Traviss
53aaba6 I put the odds on a psychic deathmatch between Attila the Hun and Virginia Woolf at fifty-fifty. are-you-my-mother attila-the-hun deathmatch humor virginia-woolf Alison Bechdel
17215e3 You watch pro ball and those guys spend so much time with their hands on each other's rear ends, you'd think they were feeling for diamonds or something. football funny humor Catherine Gilbert Murdock
98c4cdf I would offer congratulations were it not for this tentacle gripping my leg. humor tentacle Jack Vance
d4b0a2a I wasn't about to admit to him that I'd never had a boyfriend. You just don't go around saying things like that to totally hot guys, even if they're dead. dead humor Meg Cabot
e484835 Jary, Garge, Elane and Daved Pady emerge from the Lamborgini Veneno like sad clown's from the SICKEST clown car ever. funny humor Seinfeld 2000
88d2843 So etwas wie ein standiges Spurensicherungsteam gibt es ubrigens nicht. da die Spurensicherung so teuer ist, bestellt man sie beim Innenministerium immer nur happchenweise wie beim chinesischen Lieferservice. Aus der prozession von Plastikanzugen zu schliessen, die an uns voruberzog, hatte Stephanopoulos sich das Super-Deluxe-Menu fur sechs Personen mit einer extraportion Reis gegonnt. Und ich war dann wohl der Gluckskeks. humor Ben Aaronovitch
1f68492 I didn't know this before, but as it turns out, Tyrannosaurs can really haul ass. humor Jim Butcher
bc5078c Oh my God. Oh my God, J.P. is in love with me. And we blew up the school. dramatic-moment humor romance Meg Cabot
fc6f639 "I said, "Your brother is in bed with my wife." I added, "I just took them up some wine in bed." dialogue humor iris-murdoch witty Iris Murdoch
88992c5 I gave you three proofs of witchcraft. A cat that drinks blood! A horse that talks! And a man who propagates POODLES! historical humor satire witchcraft Richard Curtis
f7df2df There is something about a man with a beard I cannot stand. No particular reason for it. Prejudice, I suppose. I feel the same way about cats. arrogant beards cats distrust egotistical humor pomposity pompous Charles Willeford
caddcd6 "Do you think people can be rehabilitated and forgiven?" "Sure! Look at Ollie North." "Well, he lost that Senate race. He was not sufficiently forgiven." "But he got some votes," Jan insisted. humor lorrie-moore Lorrie Moore (Author)
d3c62fd "This book is a work of fiction. Actually, it is a work of fiction within a fiction, as the main characters, though real persons in a fictional world, are being depicted in a book which other fictional characters in the same world are reading. Any reference to historical events-- rather, historical events non-Marridonian, and also non-Sesternese-- real people--rather, people in our realm, not the persons I was referring to in the previous line-- or real places--places that are not Marridon, Sesterna, and any place on the Two Continents-- are used fictitiously, because this is a work of fiction, and is a fiction within a fiction, as was previously stated. All names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author's imagination--referring to the ultimate author, not the fictitious author who has written the book within the book-- and any resemblance to actual events, locales, persons, living, dead, or otherwise, is entirely coincidental, but any resemblance to actual persons or places in the Two Continents is intentional. Absolutely no parts of this book, text or art, may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means, whether electronically or mechanically, including photocopying-- "By Myrellenos, are we here in the disclaimer again? This is the third time, I believe. And there are still no cups out. Where is the teapot?" "Here, boss." "Oh, there is tea in this story? I might be more inclined to stay and hear this one. The others were dreadful slow. I must have some tea, if I am going to be made to sit and listen to a whole book. I am not Bartleby, who can sit at his desk and flump over his tomes until he moulders." "He's gonna hear you, boss." "I should say not, Rannig. He is too busy with doing the edits. He found a mistake in one of the other books about us and demanded he perform the editing this time around. The author was very good to let him do as he likes. He is missing tea, however." --audio recording, data retrieval, cloud storage, torrent, or streaming service. If you do decide to ignore this disclaimer and print or share this book illegally, I will have Bartleby come to your house with a sample from the Marridonian legal extracts, and he will read them to you until you promise never to do anything illegal again." humor pirates Michelle Franklin
9b1603e "It's only when you stop to think about it. I don't stop. - From "Morning" humor introspection motion reflection Donald Barthelme
859c4b7 Tenemos putrefactores, plagas y oxidos capaces de atacar su alfabeto. Estos son la leche. Tenemos un producto quimico para encoger sus cabanas que penetra las fibras del bambu provocando que las chozas asfixien a sus ocupantes. Esto funciona solo despues de las diez de la noche, cuando la gente duerme. Sus matematicas estan a merced de un supurante numero sordo que hemos inventado. Tenemos una familia de peces entrenados para atacar a sus peces.Tenemos el mortal telegrama destructor de testiculos. Las companias de telecomunicaciones estan colaborando con el proyecto. Tenemos una sustancia verde que, bueno, mejor no hablo de esto. humor war Donald Barthelme
35567fa Nunca discutas sobre Dios. Lo mejor es decir 'Estoy de acuerdo contigo'. Entonces vas a tu casa y rezas lo que tu quieres. Esta es mi idea para que las personas esten en paz con la religion. humor religion Elizabeth Gilbert
3d3312d "We could call it Herbie. And when she reaches adolescence, and goes boy-crazy, we can say "Herbie Goes Bananas" to each other over and over again, as you build the doorless turret we can lock her in." humor thoughtfulness weirdness Moran Caitlin
ce7cb99 Becoming a woman felt a bit like becoming famous. For, from being benevolently generally ignored - the base-line existence of most children - a teenage girl is suddenly fascinating to others, and gets bombarded with questions: What size are you? Have you done it yet? Will you have sex with me? Have you got ID? Do you want to try a puff of this? Are you seeing anyone? Have you got protection? What's your signature style? Can you walk in heels? Who are your heroes? Are you getting a Brazilian? What porn do you like? Do you want to get married? When are you going to have kids? Are you a feminist? Were you just flirting with that man? What do you want to do? WHO ARE YOU? All ridiculous questions to ask of a 13-year-old simply because she now needs a bra. They might as well have been asking my dog. I had absolutely no idea. humor women Caitlin Moran
1387c52 "It seems that being a woman is very expensive and time-consuming. My innocence about this is incongruous, given my age, but total. I come from grunge, and then Britpop--scenes where you boast about how little you spend on an outfit ("Three quid! From a jumble sale!" "Ooooh, pricey--I found this jacket in a Dumpster. On a dead man. Under a fox carcass"), and taking pride in "getting ready to go out" consists of little more than washing your face, putting on your Doc Martens/snaeakers, and applying black Barry M nail polish, PS1, on the bus into town." feminism humor Caitlin Moran
e63fb39 Your key hobbies need to be long country walks (get some fresh air in those lungs!), masturbation, and the revolution. Between those three, you should, in the long term, stay relatively sane. feminism humor Caitlin Moran
0e384eb A little eccentricity is a help to a general. It helps with the newspapers. The women love it too. Southern women like their men religious and a little mad. That's why the fall in love with preachers. humor love religion southern-women Michael Shaara
6b2e539 Or there's peer tutoring. Oh my god. I'm tutoring the cutest little second grader right now. I totally taught her how to stay within the lines with her eyeshadow. humor tutoring Meg Cabot
2acdf0b There are just people going about what they always do. Talking. Parking crooked. funny human-nature humor location-3548 parking people Markus Zusak
9d3c376 "I look through the old record collection my dad gave me. Stress relief. I shuffle through the albums feverishly and find what I'm looking for-the Proclaimers. I chuck it on and watch it spin. The ridiculous first notes of "Five Hundred Miles" come on, and I feel like going berserk. Even the Proclaimers are giving me the shits tonight. Their singing's an abomination." humor location-1259 music record singing stress stress-relief the-proclaimers Markus Zusak
75e4779 In tutta sincerita, mi sforzo di prendere la faccenda allegramente, anche se, a dispetto delle mie proteste, la maggior parte delle persone trova difficile credermi. Per favore, fidati di me. Posso davvero essere allegra. Posso essere amabile. Affettuosa. Affabile. E queste sono solo le parole che cominciano per A. Non chiedermi pero di essere bella: essere bella non e da me. death humor inspirational Markus Zusak
24787d3 "Oh, God. Not again." Not again? "Do you make a habit of driving into people's houses?" christina-dodd humor life suspense thriller virtue-falls Christina Dodd
ead5946 At times Valentine wasn't sure whether he kept Matthews about because of his supreme unctuousness or because he had half a suspicion the valet was trying to kill him. humor romance Suzanne Enoch
930002a "Sit yourself down," Joan instructed as we reached the the fag-fogged, gin-scented den that was nominally her sitting room." -- humor julian-barnes the-only-story Julian Barnes
1726bbc So. I see where you're going--bus number 27 to a crossroads near Delphi. Look, I did not want, at any point, on any level, to kill my own father and sleep with my own mother. It's true that I wanted to sleep with Susan--and did so many times--and for a number of years thought of killing Gordon Macleod, but that is another part of the story. Not to put too fine a point on it, I think the Oedipus myth is precisely what it started off as: melodrama rather than psychology. In all my years of life I've never met anyone to whom it might apply. You think I'm being naive? You wish to point out that human motivation is deviously buried, and hides its mysterious workings from those who blindly submit to it? Perhaps so. But even--especially--Oedipus didn't to kill his father and sleep with his mother, did he? Oh yes he did! Oh no he didn't! Yes, let's just leave it as a pantomime exchange. clever humor julian-barnes oedipal oedipus psychology the-only-story Julian Barnes
5f9d283 My parents' marriage, to my unforgiving nineteen-year-old eye, was a car crash of cliche. Though I would have to admit, as the one making the judgement, that a 'car crash of of cliche' is itself a cliche. humor julian-barnes language the-only-story Julian Barnes
8eadc19 "The Hollywooden heads would buy a car for almost any purpose except a worthy one. Many automobiles were purchased to attract members of LA's eight or ten opposite sexes. Since the denizens of America's Gomorrah, were incapable of verbalizing any idea more complex than "box office gross," the expensive car served as a substitute for witty come-on and seductive chat." hollywood humor los-angeles sex P.J. O'Rourke
8f87126 "PJ's suggested chant, for pointless protest marches: "Five, four, three, two. We don't have a doggone clue!" humor pointless protest P.J. O'Rourke
e354d17 Kid,' he laughed 'you're crazier than a shithouse rat in an Indian restaurant but you've got yourself a deal. Vinny! Lace up, you and the KFC are going three rounds. humor David Louden
e3173ee The nine rubies were used afterwards in agriculture. You had only to throw them out into a field if you wanted it plowed. Then the whole surface of the land turned itself over in its anxiety to get rid of something so wicked, and in the morning the field was found to be plowed as thoroughly as any young man at Oxford. drinking fairy-tales humor E. Nesbit
87f8f52 Yes, and had your hotel proved slightly less psychotic, matters would never have got as far out of hand as they have. humor Richard K. Morgan
7f23976 In all this flurry of false scientism, the central question went unaddressed: if the possession of a penis and outsize brain were the distinguishing marks of the lords of creation, why was the world not rules by whales? history humor Rosalind Miles
81de097 Dess took a deep breath, feeling a rush of relief now that the proclamation had been made. It was sort of like being the first astronomer to spot one of those big dinosaur-extermination-sized asteroids on its way toward Earth. Sure, this was majorly unpleasant news for everyone, including Dess personally, but at least she got to announce it. humor Scott Westerfeld
1ebaa7f Tally really didn't have the strength to explain that she'd really meant her hangover, which was sprawled in her head like an overweight cat, sullen and squishy and disinclined to budge. distopia hangover humor humorous scott-westerfeld tally-youngblood Scott Westerfeld
535d2f2 "Billie turned back to Geroge. "He's an idiot." He held up his hands. "You will find no argument here." "The plight of the younger son," Andrew said with a sigh. Billie rolled her eyes, tipping he read toward Andrew as she said to George, "Don't encourage him." "To be ganged up upon," Andrew went on, "never respected..." George crane his neck, trying to read the title of Billie's book. "What are you reading?" "And," Andrew continued, "apparently ignored as well." billie-bridgerton george-rokesby humor idiot sybilla-bridgerton Julia Quinn
7fcdf4a "Before Ernest could start walking back the cat, Melrose put in, "But isn't it rather we who have come here, Mrs. Attaboy?" At her uncomprehending look, he plowed on. "It is their country." "What? Africa?" "If Africa were a country, the answer would be yes." humor Martha Grimes
666e41e Just think of it as a picnic with guns and monsters instead of mosquitoes and ants. Do we have fun or what? fantasy humor Laurence Yep
d2a7afd Maximus coughed a while longer, but in the middle of the night towards the end of the week, they were all woken by a terrible squealing, distant shrieks of terror and fire; in a panic they burst out from the tents to discover Maximus attempting guiltily to sneak unnoticed back into the parade grounds, with as much success as was to be expected in this endeavor, and carrying in his already-bloodied jaws a spare ox. This he hurriedly swallowed down almost entire, on finding himself observed, and then pretended not to know what they were talking about, insisting he had only got up to stretch his legs and settle himself more comfortably. funny humor maximus sneaking Naomi Novik
b9d68a5 Remember to remember: sometimes your adversary is your biggest asset. Where would David be without Goliath? Jesus without Judas? achievement-attitude adversity bravery courage growth humor inspiration irony life-lessons motivation strength success wisdom Brandi L. Bates
cf81a39 THE NEXT DAY WAS RAIN-SOAKED and smelled of thick sweet caramel, warm coconut and ginger. A nearby bakery fanned its daily offerings. A lapis lazuli sky was blanketed by gunmetal gray clouds as it wept crocodile tears across the parched Los Angeles landscape. When Ivy was a child and she overheard adults talking about their break-ups, in her young feeble-formed mind, she imagined it in the most literal of essences. She once heard her mother speaking of her break up with an emotionally unavailable man. She said they broke up on 69th Street. Ivy visualized her mother and that man breaking into countless fragments, like a spilled box of jigsaw pieces. And she imagined them shattered in broken shards, being blown down the pavement of 69th Street. For some reason, on the drive home from Marcel's apartment that next morning, all Ivy could think about was her mother and that faceless man in broken pieces, perhaps some aspects of them still stuck in cracks and crevices of the sidewalk, mistaken as grit. She couldn't get the image of Marcel having his seizure out of her mind. It left a burning sensation in the center of her chest. An incessant flame torched her lungs, chest, and even the back door of her tongue. Witnessing someone you cared about experiencing a seizure was one of those things that scribed itself indelibly on the canvas of your mind. It was gut-wrenching. Graphic and out-of-body, it was the stuff that post traumatic stress syndrome was made of. beauty black-authors black-history deity emotion foodies humor inspiration knowledge literary-fiction love meaning new-york poetry prose rebirth scorpios sex stress valentine-s-day wilmington wisdom Brandi L. Bates
b1083b5 "Deceivingly, Miss Neville, the word vodka means 'little water.' The Russians are masters of the understatement." - Lord Nash" humor romance Liz Carlyle
9e778bb For Robert Lee Hodge, it was also a way of life. As the Marlon Brando of battlefield bloating, he was often hired for Civil War movies. humor re-enactment Tony Horwitz
afe79bb "Wie fuhlen Sie sich?', fragte der Arzt. 'Etwas in Sorge, ehrlich gesagt. Ich habe getraumt, dass mich Jesus Christus besucht und wir ein langes, tiefgehendes Gesprach gefuhrt haben.' das-labyrinth-der-lichter fermìn fußball humor jesus witzig zafon Carlos Ruiz Zafón
003016b Armata, casatoria, biserica si banca: cei patru calareti ai Apocalipsei. dark humor Carlos Ruiz Zafón
d832885 "What plan of action? What can be done? We can't fight the whole society." "I was thinking we could use you as bait and draw them into a trap," Gregori said, straight-faced. Gary's eyes widened in alarm. "I'm not sure I like that plan. Sounds a little risky to me." He looked at Savannah for support. Gregori shrugged his broad shoulders in a casual shrug. "I do not see a risk." Savannah's small clenched fist thumped his stomach in retaliation. Gregori glanced down at her with surprise. "Is this when I am supposed to say ouch?" Savannah and Gary exchanged a long, mournful groan. "Why did I want him to have a sense of humor?" she wondered. Gary shook his head. "Don't be asking me. You created the monster." gregori-and-savannah humor monster ouch Christine Feehan
5e1dbf3 "He smiled - a real smile. Damn. It was easier to deal with him when he was being thoroughly vile. "Look, I'm sorry for being so rude earlier today. Your presence came as something of a shock and I reacted badly." "Oh." Geared for battle, his apology took me utterly by surprise. I gaped. "Aunt Arabella spoke very highly of you," he added, heaping coals of fire on my head. "She was impressed by your work on the Purple Gentian." "Why all this sudden amiability?" I asked suspiciously, crossing my arms across my chest. "Are you always this blunt?" "I'm too tired to be tactful," I said honestly. "Fair enough." Stretching, Colin detached himself from the wall. "Can I make you some hot chocolate as a token of peace? I was just about to have some myself," he added. Suiting action to words, he loped over to the counter beside the sink and checked the level of water in a battered brown plastic electric kettle. Satisfied, he plugged it into the wall, flipping the red switch on the side. I followed him over to the counter, the linen folds of the nightgown trailing after me across the linoleum. "As long as you promise not to slip any arsenic in it." Colin rooted around in a cupboard above the sink for the cocoa tin and held it out to me to sniff. "See? Arsenic free." I leant back against the counter, my elbows behind me on the marble work surface. "I don't think arsenic is supposed to have a smell, is it?" "Damn, foiled again." Colin spooned Cadbury's instant hot chocolate into two mugs, one decorated with large purple flowers, and the other with a quotation that I thought might be Jane Austen, but the author's name was hidden around the other side of the mug. "Look, if it makes you feel better, I promise to do a very bad job hiding your body." "In that case, carry on," I yawned." arsenic colin eloise humor Lauren Willig
5c0866e She had only two modes of operation: complete control or complete insanity. humor insanity Ilona Andrews
0c0dca4 When she looked at him with those dark eyes, Nassar felt the urge to say something intelligent and deeply impressive. Unfortunately, nothing of the kind came to mind. funny humor romance Ilona Andrews
ab6009e Mary had been raised in a family where blood was as thick as tomato sauce. humor italian Lisa Scottoline
7dce9ed Bacon is the meth of meats. humor meat Lisa Scottoline
87ca5b9 I'd made the vampire cry. Great. I felt like a real superhero. Harry Dresden, breaker of monsters' hearts. humor women Jim Butcher
38295de "Falderson," he said quietly to Bahzell in passable Navahkan, "is as stupid as the day is long." He craned his neck to gaze up at the hradani and shook his head. "In fact, he's even stupider than I thought. You, sir, are the biggest damned hradani-no offense-I think I've ever seen." day dumb hradani humor humours large long stupid stupidity tall David Weber
4e3699a If you think it's bad now, my friend, wait till we reach a town!' He shook his head and brushed at his tattered, dirty shirtsleeve. 'Do try to remember we're visitors-and not welcome ones-if you should feel moved to reason with anyone. foreign foreigner foreigners humor humours reason travel traveling unfriendly visitor David Weber
60c3c1c Kids. You gotta love them. I adore children. A little salt, a squeeze of lemon--perfect. humor kids storm_front Jim Butcher
5b1ea60 "Thanks to Dashiell Hammett. "He was thin, walked with a stick, and was the only private dick I knew who used the pockets of his sport coat. Maybe that means something, maybe not." Ramone Ramone, 2013" fiction humor mystery Thomas deKooning
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