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923291b I am still not used to being the possessor of such a grand title. I believe I shall have to start wearing a purple satin turban and carrying a lorgnette. dialogue fashion humor mary-balogh regency regency-romance romance witty-banter Mary Balogh
6cd2f30 Weddings, I began to understand, were vile, filthy things when they ran amuck. humor marriage relationships weddings Laurie Notaro
0331a36 Don't let the devil hear you, minister, The devil has such good hearing he doesn't need things to be spoken out loud, Well, god help us then, There's no point asking him for help either, he was born stone-deaf. god humor religion José Saramago
3fc4a58 Megan stepping back let her glance switch from Alma to Isabel and return to Alma. No doubt about it, thought Megan. Created as much alike as any sisters ever had been, their resemblance started with their matching red-and-white polka dot blouses. Since she was a young girl, she had matched their eye colors to their different personalities. cozies cozy cozy-mysteries cozy-mystery humor mysteries-cozy romance whodunit women-sleuths Ed Lynskey
27983d8 "He has got no good red blood in his body," said Sir James. "No. Somebody put a drop under a magnifying glass, and it was all semicolons and parentheses," said Mrs. Cadwallader." humor sarcasm wit George Eliot
2794e23 She pointed at the text as if it was a piece of rotten meat. I said. I picked the book up and double checked the title, to make sure I hadn't misidentified the subject. I said. I looked up to see she'd already left the room. Simon pointed at the text, grinned and faked a yawn. I said, striding after her. chloe derek humor physics simon Kelley Armstrong
408553b Every one seems to be scrubbing their white steps. All the houses look like tidy jails, with their outside shutters. Several have crepe on the door-handles, and many have flags flying from roof or balcony. Few men appear, and the women seem to do the business, which, perhaps, accounts for its being so well done. humor Louisa May Alcott
41e411b "Soulmates" is what you aim for, but soup snakes is what you get sometimes." humor love relationships the-office Mindy Kaling
44b7533 SMART My dad gave me one dollar bill 'Cause I'm his smartest son, And I swapped it for two shiny quarters 'Cause two is more than one! And then I took the quarters And traded them to Lou For three dimes - I guess he don't know That three is more than two! Just then, along came old blind Bates And just 'cause he can't see He gave me four nickels for my three dimes, And four is more than three! And I took the nickels to Hiram Coombs Down at the seed-feed store, And the fool gave me five pennies for them, And five is more than four! And then I went and showed my dad, And he got red in the cheeks And closed his eyes and shook his head - Too proud of me to speak! humor poetry where-the-sidewalk-ends Shel Silverstein
8f20548 "Daddy," said the toddler, now seething with righteous indignation, "you are a poo-poo head!" Feigning outrage, JFK lowered his voice. "John," he said, "no one calls the President of the United States a poo-poo head." humor kids Christopher Andersen
450637a With hand gestures, you can fill in a lot of gaps, and the words thing and stuff and -ness also help: patientness instead of patience, fastness instead of speed, honestness instead of honesty. With these choices, many words can be indicated, and pointing or gesticulating usually works. humor words Aimee Bender
25ca932 We are taught to think ourselves ugly. Eyes are an assaulted sense. We are taught to behave by spankings and whippings. Touch is an assaulted sense. We are taught we should not smell, or we smell wrong. Smell is an assaulted sense. We listen to songs that call us 'hos and tell us how to give blow jobs. Hearing is an assaulted sense. Taste, not so much. food hearing humor music sense smell songs taste Alice Randall
455f4d3 The Continental army got more generals than they got private soldiers, these days. An officer lives through more 'n two battles, they make him some kind of general on the spot. Now, gettin' any pay for it, that's a different kettle of fish. dan-morgan humor outlander revolutionary-war Diana Gabaldon
25a1cdc She was of traditional build herself, but her figure was largely concealed by the folds of a generously cut shift dress made out of a flecked green fabric. It was like a tent, thought Mma Ramotswe--a camouflage tent of the sort that the Botswana Defence Force might use. But I do not sit in judgement on the dresses of others, she told herself, and a tent was a practical enough garment, if that is what one felt comfortable in. comfort humor judgement Alexander McCall Smith
012dc40 But it is infamous that they have not told you!' declared Eustacie. 'Je n'en reviendrai jamais!' 'If it's all the same to you, miss, I'd just as soon you'd talk in a Christian language,' said Mr. Stubbs. comedy french-language humor humour humourous humourous-quote idiocy idiotic idiots Georgette Heyer
249f1a3 "One night when I was pregnant with Henry, I lay in bed thinking for some reason, about "Treasure Island." I realized that from the entire book there was only one sentence I remembered verbatim, something that Ben Gunn, who has been marooned for three years, says to Jim Hawkins: "Many's the long night I've dreamed of cheese -- toasted mostly." I repeated the last two words over and over again, like a mantra. "Toasted, mostly. Toasted mostly." humor Anne Fadiman
240f1db The British were unhinged by the colonists' unorthodox fighting style and shocking failure to abide by gentlemanly rules of engagement. One scandalized British soldier complained that the American riflemen 'conceal themselves behind trees etc. till an opportunity presents itself of taking a shot at our advance sentries, which done, they immediately retreat. What an unfair method of carrying on a war! funny humor revolutionary-war war Ron Chernow
46f2d17 Evangeline mashed the potatoes with excessive force. She could work out her frustration over Logan's obstinance and produce silky smooth potatoes at the same time. Benefits all around. frustration humor Karen Witemeyer
8e0e606 Curled up on one of her pillows a gray fluff of kitten yawned, showing its pink tongue, tucked its head under again, and went back to sleep. humor Madeleine L'Engle
49bae96 Within the same hour as the murder took place, Isabel Trumbo sat in her armchair dozing, the Alaskan Outdoor magazine on her lap. Her kid sister Alma fidgeted in the other armchair, from time to time picking up her newspaper folded over to the day's crossword puzzle. cozy cozy-mysteries cozy-mystery humor mysteries-cozy romance whodunit women-sleuths Ed Lynskey
8dcbddb It's a sad fact of modern life that sooner or later you will end up on YouTube doing something stupid. The trick, according to my dad, is to make a fool of yourself to the best of your ability. broken-homes humor youtube Ben Aaronovitch
4d38cb7 I'm not interested. I never liked him. He's some sort scoundrel. dialogue dislike humor iris-murdoch scoundrel the-black-prince Iris Murdoch
211db09 "A soldier: "I know where heaven is and it's Lithuania ... The women are beautiful, pagan, with a practical view towards sex. Who says communism was bad? You're working three levels of advantages: you're a foreign male, you're a rich, exotic American, and their men are a bunch of drunken, criminal slobs." humor lithuania soldiers women Robert D. Kaplan
b639bac "No threatening the cat!" Mr. Snuggly said." humor Charlaine Harris
71d3825 "New Rule: Stop talking about "the gas prices under Obama." As if he's the guy out there changing the numbers on the sign with that long pole. And while they're at the gas station, Republicans who still think human activity doesn't affect air quality should poke their heads in the men's room." gas gas-prices humor obama oil Bill Maher
b784a88 "Your eyes shine," he said. "How do they do that?" "Blood," she said." -- humor Aimee Bender
1ffd6b1 Aren't you sometimes frightened at being planted out here, with nobody to take care of you?' 'There's the tree in the middle,' said the Rose:'what else is it good for?' 'But what could it do, if any danger came?' Alice asked. 'It could bark,' said the Rose. humor plants Lewis Carroll
1f68492 I didn't know this before, but as it turns out, Tyrannosaurs can really haul ass. humor Jim Butcher
88d612f Malory! You've got a chipmunk on your pussy! funny humor humorous Tamara Thorne
88d2843 So etwas wie ein standiges Spurensicherungsteam gibt es ubrigens nicht. da die Spurensicherung so teuer ist, bestellt man sie beim Innenministerium immer nur happchenweise wie beim chinesischen Lieferservice. Aus der prozession von Plastikanzugen zu schliessen, die an uns voruberzog, hatte Stephanopoulos sich das Super-Deluxe-Menu fur sechs Personen mit einer extraportion Reis gegonnt. Und ich war dann wohl der Gluckskeks. humor Ben Aaronovitch
8890cb4 "I said, 'Don't talk rot, Old Tom Travers." "I am not accustomed to talk rot," he said. "Then, for a beginner," I said, "you do it dashed well." humor humour jeeves jeeves-and-wooster retort P.G. Wodehouse
88860a8 Quote is taken from Chapter 1: Since Etta could log in her rare Baltimore oriole sighting, she decided she'd had enough birding for one day. It was just a fun hobby, not an obsession. cozy cozy-mysteries cozy-mystery humor mysteries-cozy romance whodunit women-sleuths Ed Lynskey
bc5078c Oh my God. Oh my God, J.P. is in love with me. And we blew up the school. dramatic-moment humor romance Meg Cabot
87d5b7c In my unfortunately infrequent encounters with real passion, I'm rarely as careful as I ought to be. The rationalization goes something like: With all the bullets and mortar rounds I've survived, I must be immune to sexually transmitted diseases. Stupid, I know. More likely, fate will indulge its taste for irony by killing me with AIDS os some other unpleasant alternative. die-by-the-sword humor personal-beliefs Barry Eisler
87675d9 If you believe in yourself and work hard, your dreams will come true. Well...I guess the people who work hard whose dreams come true don't get to write books about it, so we never really find out what happens to them. So... If you believe in yourself and work hard, you have a fighting shot at having your dreams come true. humor life-lessons Mindy Kaling
528863a "The three branches of government number considerably more than three and are not, in any sense, "branches" since that would imply that there is something they are all attached to besides self-aggrandizement and our pocketbooks." government humor politics P.J. O'Rourke
1abe1a2 "Why, you mean you didn't get abducted and dragged across country purely to make us a story for us to chew over endlessly?" asked Pip, tossing his shock of tow-colored hair indignantly. "The nerve!" humor sarcasm Mercedes Lackey
52bc4f8 "Well, land sakes!" Hiro says. "Lookee here!" He whips his blade sideways, cutting off both of the businessman's forearms, causing the sword to clatter onto the floor. "Better fire up the ol' barbeque, Jemima!" Hiro continues, whipping the sword around sideways, cutting the businessman's body in half just above the navel. Then he leans down so he's looking right into the businessman's face. "Didn't anyone tell you," he says, losing the dialect, "that I was a hacker?" Then he hacks the guy's head off." humor puns Neal Stephenson
1936dc4 The continent did not appeal: France was filled with irritating people; Spain was corrupt and unstable; Russia, impossible; Italy, absurd; Germany, rigid; Portugal, in decline. Holland, thought favorably disposed toward him, was dull. The United States of America, he decided, was a possibility. humor Elizabeth Gilbert
86c1b25 El Pelos, cuando le preguntaron en clase de Fisica por las tres reglas de conducta en caso de detonacion nuclear, contesto: - Primero: mirar, porque un espectaculo asi solo se ve una vez en la vida. Segundo: tumbarme y reptar hasta el cementerio mas proximo, y tercero y principal: hacerlo despacio, para que no cunda el panico. Le cascaron un cuatro, pero no le impusieron una contribucion al debate. humor nuclear-bomb Thomas Brussig
be5450a I can't deal with angry people until after I've had my morning coffee. coffee henning-mankell humor magnus-martinsson wallander Henning Mankell
17c78e8 "I didn't leave that crowd of ocelots to go back into it." [when asked to write the film script for The Osterman Weekend]" hollywood humor movie-script-writing Robert Ludlum
17bca23 Yeah, and if I have to choose between being eaten by the Endarkened and telling my Da I'm a Wildmage, I'm not sure which I'd pick. humor james-mallory location-3547 mercedes-lackey the-phoenix-endangered wildmage Mercedes Lackey
53aaba6 I put the odds on a psychic deathmatch between Attila the Hun and Virginia Woolf at fifty-fifty. are-you-my-mother attila-the-hun deathmatch humor virginia-woolf Alison Bechdel
17215e3 You watch pro ball and those guys spend so much time with their hands on each other's rear ends, you'd think they were feeling for diamonds or something. football funny humor Catherine Gilbert Murdock
54821ff "The pig was so earnest. So sincere. So very "there." The pig brought gravity and mythic import to this well-worn fairy tale." humor humorous-quotes Robert Fulghum
7093c35 And as the wicked are always ungrateful, and necessity leads to evil doing, and immediate advantage overcomes all considerations of the future, Gines, who was neither grateful nor well-principled, made up his mind to steal Sancho Panza's ass. humor Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra
84fa21d "We're leaving," I told her one July afternoon. "We? You and I? Where are we going, young Master Paul? Do you have your belongings tied up in a red-spotted handkerchief on a stick?" -- dialogue humor julian-barnes teasing the-only-story Julian Barnes
c0b4ae9 I rolled my eyes as the elevator door opened. 'I was thinking more along the lines of Tick and Tock. You know they won't--' 'Holy shit, boss! Did you beat him up with your mouth?' Tick exclaimed loudly as he stood from his perch near the elevator doors. '--keep their mouths shut,' I muttered. 'Jesus,' Tock whispered. 'Gay sex is hardcore.' He jumped up and stood next to me, not knowing what personal space meant. 'I think he was trying to eat you,' he told me. 'Or something,' I agreed. hardcore humor m-m-romance T.J. Klune
5576e32 "Her gaze flickered to the balcony doors and back, her brows knitted in confusion. "My balcony doesn't connect to yours." "I jumped." He grinned at the flash of concern he saw in "her eyes. "At dinner, your grandmother informed me that you'd be moving to the room beside mine. She also mentioned how close my balcony was to yours; so close that even an old lady like herself could leap between the two without the least effort." Venetia's cheeks heated and she pulled her nightgown closer. "Grandmama is anything but subtle." "Almost as subtle as your mother." "Oh, no! Not Mama, too." Gregor paused beside a small table to pick up a silver tray holding a cut crystal decanter and matching glasses and set it on the table before Venetia. "Your mother was concerned I might be afraid of heights. She told me that if she were thinking of jumping between the balconies and couldn't bring herself to make the leap, it might be possible to pick the lock on the connecting door with, say, a cravat pin." Venetia blushed. "I'm surprised they aren't in here now, throwing rose petals before you as you walk." "I would never countenance petal tossing. Too showy." family hilarious humor love lovers Karen Hawkins
c30b988 The table was a large one, but the three were all crowded together at one corner of it: 'No room! No room!' they cried out when they saw Alice coming. 'There's of room!' said Alice indignantly, and she sat down in a large arm-chair at one end of the table. 'Have some wine,' the March Hare said in an encouraging tone. Alice looked all round the table, but there was nothing on it but tea. 'I don't see any wine,' she remarked. 'There isn't any,' said the March Hare. 'Then it wasn't very civil of you to offer it,' said Alice angrily. 'It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited,' said the March Hare. etiquette humor manners Lewis Carroll
8388289 He had spoken with such absolute confidence that I knew he had to be blowing this out of his rectal orifice. humor humorous Neal Stephenson
1563858 SImon said. Derek said. derek humor simon Kelley Armstrong
13ae1d4 That was the wonderful thing about historical novels, one met so many famous people. It was like reading a very old copy of magazine. humor Edward St. Aubyn
6eb5dba "... And what am I to do?" "Well, that depends. Do you like the girl?" "Like her? I don't know. How do you know if...?" "It's very simple. Do you look at her furtively and feel like biting her?" "Biting her?" "On her backside, for example." -- humor like Carlos Ruiz Zafón
c54b50d Her philosophy was, if it had a pulse, it could be killed. I didn't really have a philosophy, but I could see how talking with the school director would be difficult for her. If he said something she didn't like, chopping him to tiny pieces wouldn't exactly help me get into the school. humor school self-control Ilona Andrews
c6b00c6 No matter what my fucking last words were, please say they were these: 'I have always known that the pursuit of excellence is a lethal habit. humor last-words John Irving
129bf63 When I got home I peered down at the lobster to see how he was doing. The inner plastic bag was sucked tight around him and clouded up. It looked like something out of an eighties made-for-TV movie, with some washed-up actress taking too many pills and trying to off herself with a Macy's bag. humor lobster Julie Powell
1219fcc "Then Jack turned to her. Safari? That was the best excuse you could come up with for me not being at a meeting?" She winced apologetically. "I'm sorry. I'm a terrible liar." What was wrong with simple sickness? A nice, normal bout of food poisoning?" He was in a bad mood. I kind of got carried away," she admitted. Boy, are you lucky I watched Tarzan so much as a kid." humor Sarah Mayberry
cb2ac64 Along with voting, jury duty, and paying taxes, goofing off is one of the central obligations of American citizenship. So when my friends Joel and Stephen and I play hooky from our jobs in the middle of the afternoon to play Pop-A-Shot in a room full of children, I like to think we are not procrastinators; we are patriots pursuing happiness. goofing-off humor patriotism procrastination Sarah Vowell
cb4b9dc You know what happens on live TV? Janet Jackson's Super Bowl Boob happens on live TV. Adele Dazeem happens on live TV. President Al Gore happens on live TV humor Shonda Rhimes
0f1d751 I want to drink hard liquor, as you call it, before lunch. I've got a mouth like the bottom of the parrot's cage. You wouldn't want me to throw a screaming fit in front of all your officers. humor Nevil Shute
6f50a9a I shouldn't have to do the foot-soldier work, Tahiri. Be my eyes and ears. I'd hate to have to use ch'hala trees. You're smarter than a tree--aren't you? --Darth Caedus to Tahiri Veila humor jacen-solo star-wars tahiri-veila Karen Traviss
7c56cd9 I know you're the only pistol champion we have, but I'd rather they no see enough of you to hit. You're also the only wife I have... fargo humor wife Clive Cussler
7c3d5b8 All this to say Gallo wants to get into your Little Mermaid panties. And if you don't get that, you're dumber than I ever thought, which gives me such a headache to even contemplate. The massive amount of your dumbness. It hurts me,' he whined. george humor MaryJanice Davidson
60447e4 It popped up on my Outlook calendar, flagged in red like an inflamed pimple full of infected bureaucratic pus... I've been trying desperately to get it shifted, but no, it is stuck like a king-sized dildo in a guinea pig. humor microsoft vulgar Charles Stross
e7ad218 I rode to the fourth floor, poked around until I found the stairway, and walked down a flight. I almost always do this and I sometimes wonder why. I think someone must have done it in a movie once and I was evidently impressed, but it's really a waste of time, especially when the elevator in question is self-service. humor Lawrence Block
7a4b017 I tried deep breathing, but seemed to lose contact with myself between each breath, so that the next one was always an emergency. I began to feel faint. deep-breathing dissociation humor iris-murdoch panic-attack the-black-prince Iris Murdoch
0d485c9 'He'll probably end up angling for a threesome. Then I'll have to get my animal name so I can be a part of the group. So Native American of you white boys. I'll probably go for something like Falcon. Or Wolf.' 'Jackass suits you better,' Anna intones. humor who-we-are T.J. Klune
6211c2c The room had the rather sinister tedium which some bedrooms have, a sort of weary banality which is a reminder of death. A dressing table can be a terrible thing. description humor iris-murdoch morbid the-black-prince Iris Murdoch
0ce9884 I think it's good to smile at everybody so that everyone knows you love everyone. It's good for human pacifism. humor pacifism smiling Aimee Bender
0c5b055 Long before man traveled into space, rabbis debated how one would observe Shabbat there-not because they anticipated space travel but because Buddhists strive to live with questions and Jews would rather die. humor jews Jonathan Safran Foer
63ec679 You should have gone yourself, you ask for a Coke and they come back with orange drink. No one understands the martyrdom of the volunteers for the trip to food concession. humor Colson Whitehead
f487869 Crap. I thought that picture was you.' He pointed. 'That's not me. That's my mother,' Mal said with a sigh. 'Woah, you really do look like her, you know,' Jay said. 'You two could be twins,' Evie agreed. 'That, my friends, is called genetics,' Carlos said with a smile. humor villains Melissa de la Cruz
6445722 My dad's idea of bonding was throwing me in the tar pits to teach me a lesson, though I'm not sure what the lesson was, except to stay the hell away from Da. humor Kevin Hearne
0bb3203 "Oh God, look what you did." "God's away on business, Kas. Talk to me." humor Richard Kadrey
783d533 The verdict of this court is that the accused are guilty of witchcraft. The maximum penalty the law allows is to be burned to death.However, in view of your previous good background I am disposed to be lenient. I therefore sentence you to be burned alive. humor satire witchcraft Richard Curtis
77b6ea3 "As boys going to sea immediately become nautical in speech, walk as if they already had their "sea legs" on, and shiver their timbers on all possible occasions, so I turned military at once, called my dinner my rations, saluted all new comers, and ordered a dress parade that very afternoon." humor Louisa May Alcott
f695c6e If this fails to convince, I being out my secret weapon, announcing with portentous deliberation that Barbara. Damn. Walters. Does. Not. Drive. Heard of her? This sort of accusatory conversion of course almost never goes down with native New Yorkers, people who, like Barbara Walters, live in that barbaric third world country that is Manhattan, and thus have yet to hear of newfangled American Advances like automobiles, happiness, and yards. humor new-york-city Sarah Vowell
0020c15 Whenever Elliot Norther's wife was nervous she baked. With the murder of Harriet Mason, her husband's close colleague at the Faculty, she had been unable to resist a couple of Victoria sponges. During the frenzied press speculation about the identity of the murderer, a Dundee cake had appeared, followed swiftly by a Battenberg and a Lemon Drizzle. Since news of the Wildencrust murder broke, the kitchen, dining room and study had come to resemble the storerooms of an industrial bakery, every surface heaving with the weight of sponge and cream. Yesterday, having at last been overwhelmed by the fear and rumour that swept the town, she had taken herself off to her mother's house in Hampstead, leaving her husband to soldier on alone. When he had last seen his wife, Elliot Norther noticed that she had been putting the finishing touches to an impressive, triple-tiered wedding cake, beating a batch of royal icing into a sickly paste. humor humour thriller Robert Clear
65a7ce8 "Built around 1780... a two-hour train ride from Paris... the neighbor keeps his horses in my backyard... pies made with apples from my own trees..." I caught the highlights of Hugh's broadcast and understood that my first goal was to make him my boyfriend, to trick or blackmail him into making some sort of commitment. I know it sounds calculating, but if you're not cute, you might as well be clever." humor relationships David Sedaris
0a66147 [. . .] a super-rat. I nailed it across the eyes once with a lucky shot with the butt of my gun, but it got up again and shat in my telephone. humor Warren Ellis
09a7fd3 Myrna was not astigmatic; the lenses were clear glass; she wore the glasses to prove her dedication and intensity of purpose. hipsters humor ironic John Kennedy Toole
fa3b0e7 "Leo offered his arm and Cassie took it. Sister and brother strolled aimlessly for a few moments. "Perhaps we have not suffered enough to earn happiness?" Cassie glanced up at him, relieved to note the teasing twinkle in his eye. "I should be happy to make you suffer with a well-placed kick to your backside if that's what you wish." Leo laughed. "I shall pass if you don't mind. Besides, I am barely nine-and-twenty and have plenty of time left to enjoy myself before the need truly arises to settle myself with a wife." He sobered. "You, however--" "Don't say it, Leo," Cassie said firmly. "Or I shall be forced to deliver that kick and a great deal more." humor sibling Victoria Alexander
683d378 "That's the unforgivable sin, you know." "What is?" "Refusing to forgive someone." "Refusing to forgive someone is the unforgivable sin?" I asked incredulously." humor irony sin Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
0594adb "Shergahn and friend lay like poleaxed steers, and the Daranfelian's greasy hair was thick with potatoes, carrots, gravy, and chunks of beef. His companion had less stew in his hair, but an equally large lump was rising fast, and Brandark flipped his improvised club into the air, caught it in proper dipping position, and filled it once more from the pot without even glancing at them. He raised the ladle to his nose, inhaled deeply, and glanced at the cook with an impudent twitch of his ears. "Smells delicious," he said while the laughter started up all around the fire. "I imagine a bellyful of this should help a hungry man sleep. Why, just look what a single ladle of it did for Shergahn!" bully defeat delicious food funny good humor humorous laughter lump shame sleep steer stew triumph yummy David Weber
6bb40cd She had one of those husky voices that sounded as if she were permanently coming down with a cold. Men seemed to find that sexy in a woman, which Jackson thought was odd because it made women sound less like women and more like men. Maybe it was a gay thing. humor husky-voice men sexy women Kate Atkinson
35457d5 "In the goblin tongue, knowing from the book that Hephaestus spoke it but hoping that the dragon wouldn't know he knew, Drizzt yelled, "When the stupid dragon follows me out, come out and get the rest!" Hephaestus skidded to a stop and spun about, eyeing the low tunnel that led to the mines. The stupid dragon was in a frightful fit, wanting to munch on the imposing drow but fearing a robbery from behind... ...In the end, Hephaestus settled the dilemma as he settled every problem: He vowed to thoroughly eat the next merchant party that came his way." humor R.A. Salvatore
0254fe2 "Fill me in on the details of your life." "I thought you didn't give a shit." "It'll give me something to do while I wait for you to stab me to death." christina-dodd humor life suspense thriller virtue-falls Christina Dodd
732644f I put ten sugar cubes in my coffee. I drank it through my tongue, and my blood sang like the Archangel Gabriel as the sugar flooded in. That can't be natural humor David Mitchell
9c9a654 "It is the way in which the Dark returns, Harrier. I will explain, if you like." "Oh, no," Harrier said. "I'd much rather not know a thing about what we're facing. Let me get dressed first." A few minutes later Harrier came back, dressed for the day. He made another cup of hot cordial for Tiercel, refilled the kettle and started the water brewing for tea, and set some dried fruit to soak for griddle-cakes. "Okay. Now. Ruin my day," he invited." character-tiercel humor james-mallory mercedes-lackey the-phoenix-endangered Mercedes Lackey
9cad063 Preparing the communal evening meal sometimes caused arguments. Every village in Sicily had a different recipe for squid and eels, disagreed on what herbs should be disbarred from the tomato sauce. And whether sausages should ever be baked. humor Mario Puzo
325bb9b "Tommy looked blank. "What's a flashlight?" "You don't have flashlights?" Jessup said. "Jeeze! A cylinder, like, with batteries inside it, and a light bulb behind glass at one end--" Tommy's blue eyes glinted dangerously. "We have a thing in Scotland that's a cylinder too. Very thin, made of wood, with graphite in the center. We call it a pencil." Jessup hooted. "You think we don't have pencils?" "You think we don't have flashlights?" Tommy snapped. "That's just American dialect. In the English language they're called torches." Emily said mildly, "Actually we're Canadians." flashlight humor pencil scotland Susan Cooper
05481ed "I could write an epic poem about your thighs." "That would amuse polite society rather too much, and I wouldn't like that." "I wouldn't either." She pressed her cheek to his belly. "I can't think of a word to rhyme with marble column." -- humor sex Christina Dodd
3212530 As Martin noted, to the detectives conducting his interview, it was a good thing he'd been inebriated, because otherwise he would have wasted time screaming and running about - especially once he realized he was standing in a pool of blood. Instead, with the slow methodical patience of the drunk and terrified, Martin Turner dialed 999 and asked for the police. humor Ben Aaronovitch
cd41297 Put some clothes on, you weird, yellow-eyed, table-dancing, werewolf-training, cryptic, stare-me-right-in-the-eyes-and-don't-even-blink wench. humor women Jim Butcher
87f8f52 Yes, and had your hotel proved slightly less psychotic, matters would never have got as far out of hand as they have. humor Richard K. Morgan
0e384eb A little eccentricity is a help to a general. It helps with the newspapers. The women love it too. Southern women like their men religious and a little mad. That's why the fall in love with preachers. humor love religion southern-women Michael Shaara
0e0a46a None of my family is good at being patient. It's why we all become doctors. humor patience Anne McCaffrey
bae5df5 Bloody clothing is often a clue that something has gone awry. humor Libba Bray
1d1fe55 Fuck me,' I said out loud, 'I'm in fairyland. humor peter-grant Ben Aaronovitch
7b88172 Ukridge was the sort of man who asks you to dinner, borrows money from you to pay the bill, and winds up the evening by embroiling you in a fight with a cabman. humor udridge P.G. Wodehouse
88992c5 I gave you three proofs of witchcraft. A cat that drinks blood! A horse that talks! And a man who propagates POODLES! historical humor satire witchcraft Richard Curtis
1ebaa7f Tally really didn't have the strength to explain that she'd really meant her hangover, which was sprawled in her head like an overweight cat, sullen and squishy and disinclined to budge. distopia hangover humor humorous scott-westerfeld tally-youngblood Scott Westerfeld
b9d68a5 Remember to remember: sometimes your adversary is your biggest asset. Where would David be without Goliath? Jesus without Judas? achievement-attitude adversity bravery courage growth humor inspiration irony life-lessons motivation strength success wisdom Brandi L. Bates
1f714e1 By this point I was eager to emulate Guleed and merge unobtrusively with the imitation French farmhouse fittet cupboard and counter unit behind me. humor Ben Aaronovitch
6b2e539 Or there's peer tutoring. Oh my god. I'm tutoring the cutest little second grader right now. I totally taught her how to stay within the lines with her eyeshadow. humor tutoring Meg Cabot
b82cbb2 Zhizn' -- odinochestvo, izredka narushaemoe bogami, kotorye drazniat nas svoei druzhboi i sluchainym trakhom. humor inspirational philosophy-of-life Christopher Moore
6cc6f77 Un hombre espantoso entra y se mira al espejo. <>. El hombre espantoso me contesta: <>. fealdad hombre humor poesía Charles Baudelaire
e7b4f09 Over and over again, Harriet read the story about Lazarus in the Bible, but it refused to address even the most basic questions. What had Lazarus to say to Jesus and his sisters about his week in the grave? Did he still smell? Was he able to go back home and carry on living with his sisters, or was he frightening to the people around him and perhaps had to go off somewhere and live by himself like Frankenstein's monster? She could not help thinking that if she, Harriet, had been there, she would have had more to say on the subject than Saint Luke did. humor resurrection Donna Tartt
4f14022 Registration Day' by Gavin Gunhold (1899-- ) Toronto Review of Poetry, 1947 On registration day at taxidermy school I distinctly saw the eyes of the stuffed moose Move. humor moose poetry school taxidermy taxidermy-school Gordon Korman
4e3699a If you think it's bad now, my friend, wait till we reach a town!' He shook his head and brushed at his tattered, dirty shirtsleeve. 'Do try to remember we're visitors-and not welcome ones-if you should feel moved to reason with anyone. foreign foreigner foreigners humor humours reason travel traveling unfriendly visitor David Weber
8d560a7 A lot of who you were in middle age was determined before you had a chance to manipulate, control, or eve understand the things around you. It was no mystery, he thought, why some old people's minds returned to their youth; the wonder of those years, the discoveries, the first experience with the dirty secret of death, and the first stirrings of lust and love were indelible, drawn in luminous colors on clean canvas. Indeed, the first sex act was so mind-boggling that most people could still remember it clearly twenty, thirty, sixty years later. humor inspirational life love lust old romance science sex wisdom Nelson DeMille
226561d She was spontaneously created by the midichlorians,' I said. Both women gave me blank looks. 'Never mind. humor jokes peter-grant star-wars star-wars-reference Ben Aaronovitch
60c3c1c Kids. You gotta love them. I adore children. A little salt, a squeeze of lemon--perfect. humor kids storm_front Jim Butcher
38052f7 Wizened and white, with brown blotched on her face the size and complexity of unshelled peanuts, Midge had a jitter in her head that made her pew like a chicken trying to make up its mind what to peck. humor John Irving
611c76f Jody screamed at him: a high, explosive, unintelligible expulsion of pure inhuman frustration--a Hendrix high note sampled and sung by a billion suffering souls in Hell's own choir. humor Christopher Moore
24787d3 "Oh, God. Not again." Not again? "Do you make a habit of driving into people's houses?" christina-dodd humor life suspense thriller virtue-falls Christina Dodd
6d19853 The Devil waited until he was sure the two policemen were going to keep their side of the bargain. A man called Nietzsche once observed that there is no such thing as moral phenomena, only a moral *interpretation* of them. The Devil had a certain amount of time for Nietzsche. despite the mustache. He'd understood. We look at a squirrel and say it is jumping; but we might as well think about a jump in its essence, and claim that the *jump* is *squirreling*. We do bad things, in other words, but the bad things also do *us*. This is almost never a successful defence in a court of law, but it's true. humor Michael Marshall Smith
9b32cc8 Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. It makes people think you're dead. death humor humour loss Christopher Fowler
254411a "They would regret that they had not killed him; he would get out of that hole and find Juliana sooner or later, even if he had to pursue her to hell itself. "Oh, you won't have to go that far, we are on our way to California," Diego said in farewell" humor love Isabel Allende
afe79bb "Wie fuhlen Sie sich?', fragte der Arzt. 'Etwas in Sorge, ehrlich gesagt. Ich habe getraumt, dass mich Jesus Christus besucht und wir ein langes, tiefgehendes Gesprach gefuhrt haben.' das-labyrinth-der-lichter fermìn fußball humor jesus witzig zafon Carlos Ruiz Zafón
003016b Armata, casatoria, biserica si banca: cei patru calareti ai Apocalipsei. dark humor Carlos Ruiz Zafón
9b1603e "It's only when you stop to think about it. I don't stop. - From "Morning" humor introspection motion reflection Donald Barthelme
8eadc19 "The Hollywooden heads would buy a car for almost any purpose except a worthy one. Many automobiles were purchased to attract members of LA's eight or ten opposite sexes. Since the denizens of America's Gomorrah, were incapable of verbalizing any idea more complex than "box office gross," the expensive car served as a substitute for witty come-on and seductive chat." hollywood humor los-angeles sex P.J. O'Rourke
8f87126 "PJ's suggested chant, for pointless protest marches: "Five, four, three, two. We don't have a doggone clue!" humor pointless protest P.J. O'Rourke
4291af3 "Or, as Nikolas had said, in tones of admiration, "She can tell you to go to hell in a way that will send you running off to pack your bags." girl-power humor Mercedes Lackey
3fe72fc (...) en cuanto sales de Europa, ya no hay mas que mosquitos. Unos mosquitos verdes, venenosos y pequenos, que se cuelgan por todas partes. Y que dan fiebre, y sueno... y a veces, la locura. Pero no te asustes tu, mi heroe..., tambien hay mosquiteros, y cremas especiales para la piel. Y luego, !la Ciencia! Por cada mosquito que produce Dios, producen una inyeccion los alemanes. humor Alejandro Casona
2f41abb Go Home. Cut your losses. Stay. Go for it. You are a republic of voices tonight. Unfortunately, that republic is Italy. All these voices waving their arms and screaming at one another. humor indecision italy mind Jay McInerney
abfb7ba "...can we pause for a moment to talk about that term, Innovention? A neologism that, in an effort to turbo-charge meaning, takes two perfectly eloquent and unassailable words and by combining them renders both suspect. It is a word developed by a committee, one that can only be spoken unironically if one is being paid to do so, like menus in chain restaurants that list "Snacketizers" and "Appeteasers." Can't you just taste the process-mapping? The neon-orange layer of melted reconstituted-milk-solids-derived "cheese," the pink stratum of animal-protein-cultured "meat"? Vacuum-packed and irradiated and shipped to some franchise that itself was unpackaged from boxes sent directly from corporate, with ready-made walls of homey, weathered fake brick and battered retro license plates. "Innovention" can only leave a similar taste in the mouth. It makes one suspicious, wondering about the ways in which the object in question is found so wanting, so insufficiently innovative or lacking in invention to warrant this linguistic boost." humor innovention David Rakoff
0c391ed "You can take him, right?" he asks a couple minutes later. humor Rodman Philbrick
9157683 Every couple of months or so, some boundary breaking article comes out in a nationally published magazine. The article makes a big thesis statement about relationships. Like say how, women don't need men anymore, or how if you're a woman over thirty-five, you should just settle with whatever guy is half-way nice to you, or how monogamy is not feasible, or plausible, or enjoyable, for any human. And we should all be swingers, or a study is released that say's, you don't have to love your kids anymore or something. They're the kind of articles that are e-mailed everywhere and I get them forwarded to me about eight times. I will read one of these articles and immediately afterward I'm so swept up in it, I can't help but think Yes, Yes, that is one-hundred percent right. Finally! Someone has confirmed that little voice in the back of my mind that has always not loved my kids, or I'm so happy I'm that much closer to my swinging lifestyle I've always secretly been craving. I'm normal and now it's a national discussion and others agree and I can feel normal now. But then, a week later I'm thinking, I hate this. I feel awful. This wretched little magazine article has helped convinced more open minded liberal arts graduates that, the nuclear family doesn't exist without some hideous twist, like the dad is allowed to go to an S & M dungeon once a week or something. It makes me cry because it means that fewer and fewer people are believing it's cool to want what I want, which is to be married and have kids and love each other in a monogamous, long-lasting relationship. honesty-quotes humor lifestyle mindy-kaling values Mindy Kaling
918722d "What do you call the weak point?" He paused. "The fact that the average American looks down on his wife." humor marriage relationships undine-spragg weak-point Edith Wharton
ab6009e Mary had been raised in a family where blood was as thick as tomato sauce. humor italian Lisa Scottoline
35567fa Nunca discutas sobre Dios. Lo mejor es decir 'Estoy de acuerdo contigo'. Entonces vas a tu casa y rezas lo que tu quieres. Esta es mi idea para que las personas esten en paz con la religion. humor religion Elizabeth Gilbert
fd16506 "I believe in the unity of all living things. God is in us and in all that exists." "So, when you eat a carrot, aren't you eating God?" god humor left-behind ryan Jerry B. Jenkins
0c0dca4 When she looked at him with those dark eyes, Nassar felt the urge to say something intelligent and deeply impressive. Unfortunately, nothing of the kind came to mind. funny humor romance Ilona Andrews
3f82c21 "All faults or defects, from the slightest misconduct to the most flagitious crime, Pantocyclus attributed to some deviation from perfect Regularity in the bodily figure, caused perhaps (if not congenital) by some collision in a crowd; by neglect to take exercise, or by taking too much of it; or even by a sudden change of temperature, resulting in a shrinkage or expansion in some too susceptible part of the frame. Therefore, concluded that illustrious Philosopher, neither good conduct nor bad conduct is a fit subject, in any sober estimation, for either praise or blame. For why should you praise, for example, the integrity of a Square who faithfully defends the interests of his client, when you ought in reality rather to admire the exact precision of his right angles? Or again, why blame a lying, thievish Isosceles when you ought rather to deplore the incurable inequality of his sides? Theoretically, this doctrine is unquestionable; but it has practical drawbacks. In dealing with an Isosceles, if a rascal pleads that he cannot help stealing because of his unevenness, you reply that for that very reason, because he cannot help being a nuisance to his neighbours, you, the Magistrate, cannot help sentencing him to be consumed - and there's an end of the matter. But in little domestic difficulties, where the penalty of consumption, or death, is out of the question, this theory of Configuration sometimes comes in awkwardly; and I must confess that occasionally when one of my own Hexagonal Grandsons pleads as an excuse for his disobedience that a sudden change of the temperature has been too much for his perimeter, and that I ought to lay the blame not on him but on his Configuration, which can only be strengthened by abundance of the choicest sweetmeats, I neither see my way logically to reject, nor practically to accept, his conclusions. For my own part, I find it best to assume that a good sound scolding or castigation has some latent and strengthening influence on my Grandson's Configuration; though I own that I have no grounds for thinking so. At all events I am not alone in my way of extricating myself from this dilemma; for I find that many of the highest Circles, sitting as Judges in law courts, use praise and blame towards Regular and Irregular Figures; and in their homes I know by experience that, when scolding their children, they speak about "right" or "wrong" as vehemently and passionately as if they believed that these names represented real existences, and that a human Figure is really capable of choosing between them." humor logic morality punishment right-and-wrong Edwin A. Abbott
2fd1477 ...and while I had often said that I wanted to die in bed, what I really meant was that in my old age I wanted to be stepped on by an elephant while making love. humor Roger Zelazny
31d0d58 "..."Holy crap!" Rachel wondered what it was about extreme disaster that made people invoke both religion and excrement - bookends to mark the polarities of human condition?" humor Douglas Coupland
38295de "Falderson," he said quietly to Bahzell in passable Navahkan, "is as stupid as the day is long." He craned his neck to gaze up at the hradani and shook his head. "In fact, he's even stupider than I thought. You, sir, are the biggest damned hradani-no offense-I think I've ever seen." day dumb hradani humor humours large long stupid stupidity tall David Weber
31c3458 I've got some athletes who do best on 70% carbs, 20% protein, 10% fat. But they deserve their carbohydrates. They've got a great pancreas, they're in- sulin-sensitive, blah, blah, blah, they've got a lot of muscle mass. But some athletes, they're allowed 10 licks of a dried prune every 6 months. That's all they deserve and that's all they'll get. And after 6 months, they're actually al- lowed to look at calendar pictures of cakes once a week. humor weight workout Timothy Ferriss
97d2743 The only thing more pitiful than a middle-aged punk is a white Rastafarian. I did meet one of those once, and he was lonelier than I was. humor people Louis de Bernières
29a12c4 For an instant Stile was daunted by the improbability of it all: a man, a cyborg, a robot, an animalhead, and a wooden golem, all riding unicorns through a battlefield strewn with goblins and dragons, pursuing an invaluable ball of power-rock that rolled along a channel cleared by plastic explosive. What a mishmash! humor magic science Piers Anthony
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