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9e778bb For Robert Lee Hodge, it was also a way of life. As the Marlon Brando of battlefield bloating, he was often hired for Civil War movies. humor re-enactment Tony Horwitz
122328a "Despite what you think you know, most people don't want to fight, especially when evenly matched. ... That's why you see those young men doing the dance of "don't hold me back" while desperately hoping someone likes them enough to hold them back." humor paranormal-thriller series urban-fantasy Ben Aaronovitch
24787d3 "Oh, God. Not again." Not again? "Do you make a habit of driving into people's houses?" christina-dodd humor life suspense thriller virtue-falls Christina Dodd
e6002c9 Niemand hat je gesagt, dass das Universum normal ist. humor Dan Simmons
d2a7afd Maximus coughed a while longer, but in the middle of the night towards the end of the week, they were all woken by a terrible squealing, distant shrieks of terror and fire; in a panic they burst out from the tents to discover Maximus attempting guiltily to sneak unnoticed back into the parade grounds, with as much success as was to be expected in this endeavor, and carrying in his already-bloodied jaws a spare ox. This he hurriedly swallowed down almost entire, on finding himself observed, and then pretended not to know what they were talking about, insisting he had only got up to stretch his legs and settle himself more comfortably. funny humor maximus sneaking Naomi Novik
b1083b5 "Deceivingly, Miss Neville, the word vodka means 'little water.' The Russians are masters of the understatement." - Lord Nash" humor romance Liz Carlyle
a184d2b He has not the faintest idea that I am ugly and we are very happy together. humor Jane Gardam
8d0133d Imaginad el cuadro: seria vuestra merced tan amable de venir a la luz y destocarse, caballero, gracias, veo que sois el mas rubio, permitid que os introduzca una cuarta de acero toledano en los higadillos. humor Arturo Pérez-Reverte
87f8f52 Yes, and had your hotel proved slightly less psychotic, matters would never have got as far out of hand as they have. humor Richard K. Morgan
e7b4f09 Over and over again, Harriet read the story about Lazarus in the Bible, but it refused to address even the most basic questions. What had Lazarus to say to Jesus and his sisters about his week in the grave? Did he still smell? Was he able to go back home and carry on living with his sisters, or was he frightening to the people around him and perhaps had to go off somewhere and live by himself like Frankenstein's monster? She could not help thinking that if she, Harriet, had been there, she would have had more to say on the subject than Saint Luke did. humor resurrection Donna Tartt
b82cbb2 Zhizn' -- odinochestvo, izredka narushaemoe bogami, kotorye drazniat nas svoei druzhboi i sluchainym trakhom. humor inspirational philosophy-of-life Christopher Moore
2fd1477 ...and while I had often said that I wanted to die in bed, what I really meant was that in my old age I wanted to be stepped on by an elephant while making love. humor Roger Zelazny
a1802fa "I think you're going to like these," she said, placing the stack on the table. "The whole class spent Monday and Tuesday painting them up." Raymond and Sean lifted up the top poster and stared. ARSE PRESENTS SUPER HALLOWEEN PARTY FOOD, DRINKS, GREAT MUSIC HALLOWEEN TRAMPOLINE COSTUME CONTEST FOR THE MYSTERY PRIZE DON'T MISS IT! She smiled proudly. "What do you think?" "Nice," said Sean, wondering why Raymond had suddenly gone so silent and so pale. Finally Raymond found his voice. "But Ashly, why does it say" --he pointed to the top line-- "that?" "That? That's us. Our initials--Ashly, Raymond, Sean, and Eckerman--I couldn't remember his first name." "I get it," said Sean. Raymond was positively white. "The other kids who worked on them--they didn't--say anything about the posters? The wording maybe?" "The whole class really liked them," said Ashley. "I think everyone's favorite part was the initials thing. They thought it was clever." Raymond looked up at the ceiling. "Oh, it was." clever humor initials posters unfortunate-acronym Gordon Korman
2acdf0b There are just people going about what they always do. Talking. Parking crooked. funny human-nature humor location-3548 parking people Markus Zusak
e40c584 "This is the sixty-nine," I told him, presenting the magazine in front of him. I put my fingers--two of them --on the action, so that he would not overlook it. "Why is it dubbed sixty-nine?" he asked, because he is a person hot on fire with curiosity. "It was invented in 1969. My friend Gregory knows a friend of the nephew of the inventor." "What did people do before 1969?" "Merely blowjobs and masticating box, but never in chorus." He will be made a VIP if I have a thing to do with it. This is where the story begins. But first I am burdened to recite my good appearance. I am unequivocally tall. I do not know any women who are taller than me. The women I know who are taller than me are lesbians, for whom 1969 was a very momentous year." everything-is-illuminated humor Jonathan Safran Foer
78120a5 Many of us would pray not to die in a car crash before we were baptized, like other people pray to not get sick before their employee benefits kick in. fundamentalism humor Nadia Bolz-Weber
ead5946 At times Valentine wasn't sure whether he kept Matthews about because of his supreme unctuousness or because he had half a suspicion the valet was trying to kill him. humor romance Suzanne Enoch
dd1491d Objection! This defendant, evil genius that he is, has through his abhorrent actions managed to racially discriminate against every race all at the same time, to say nothing of his unabashed slaveholding. The state of California feels that it has more than enough evidence to prove that the defendant is in abject violation of the Civil Rights Acts of 1866, 1871, 1957, 1964 and 1968, the Equal Rights Act of 1963, the Thirteenth and Fourteenth Amendments, and at least six of the goddamn Ten Commandments. courtroom history humor law Paul Beatty
1f714e1 By this point I was eager to emulate Guleed and merge unobtrusively with the imitation French farmhouse fittet cupboard and counter unit behind me. humor Ben Aaronovitch
afe79bb "Wie fuhlen Sie sich?', fragte der Arzt. 'Etwas in Sorge, ehrlich gesagt. Ich habe getraumt, dass mich Jesus Christus besucht und wir ein langes, tiefgehendes Gesprach gefuhrt haben.' das-labyrinth-der-lichter fermìn fußball humor jesus witzig zafon Carlos Ruiz Zafón
fc5906a Crud. What was she supposed to do? Protect herself or the pretzels? dilemmas humor pretzels Stephanie Rowe
0c391ed "You can take him, right?" he asks a couple minutes later. humor Rodman Philbrick
ec4a84e The problem with memorizing scripture was that it rose up to prod her conscience at the most inconvenient times. Nothing like having Jesus call her a hypocrite to slap down her indignation over Logan's infractions. bible-reading humor Karen Witemeyer
d86450d ...I was startled out of my concentration by the sound of malicious hissing. Waddling toward me with remarkable speed were two huge white geese, their heads thrust forward, mouths open like snakes with their tongues protruding, emitting a terrifying sound. I gave a low involuntary cry and began to backtrack toward my car, afraid to take my eyes off them. They covered the ground between us at a pace that forced me into a run. I barely reached my car before they caught up with me. I wrenched the door open and slammed it again with a panic I hadn't felt in years. I locked both doors, half expecting the viperous birds to batter at my windows until they gave way. For a moment they balanced, half lifted, wings flapping, black eyes bright with ill-will, their hissing faces even with mine. And then they lost interest and waddled off, honking and hissing, pecking savagely at the grass. Until that moment, it had never even occurred to me to include crazed geese among my fears, but they had suddenly shot straight to the top of the list along with worms and water bugs. humor Sue Grafton
2c4d405 "When someone makes a spectacular ass of himself, it's always in a French restaurant, never a Japanese or Italian one. The French are the people who slap one another with gloves and wear scarves to cover their engorged hickies. My understanding was that, no matter how hard we tried, the French would never like us, and that's confusing to an American raised to believe that the citizens of Europe should be grateful for all the wonderful things we've done. Things like movies that stereotype the people of France as boors and petty snobs, and little remarks such as "We saved your ass in World War II." Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos were born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by eighty inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are "We're number two!" french humor usa David Sedaris
31d0d58 "..."Holy crap!" Rachel wondered what it was about extreme disaster that made people invoke both religion and excrement - bookends to mark the polarities of human condition?" humor Douglas Coupland
10c4fd9 "I gave you all!" screeched Lear, waving a palsied claw at Regan. "And you took your bloody time giving it, too, you senile old fuck," said Regan." humor king-lear paraphrased shakespeare Christopher Moore
6d19853 The Devil waited until he was sure the two policemen were going to keep their side of the bargain. A man called Nietzsche once observed that there is no such thing as moral phenomena, only a moral *interpretation* of them. The Devil had a certain amount of time for Nietzsche. despite the mustache. He'd understood. We look at a squirrel and say it is jumping; but we might as well think about a jump in its essence, and claim that the *jump* is *squirreling*. We do bad things, in other words, but the bad things also do *us*. This is almost never a successful defence in a court of law, but it's true. humor Michael Marshall Smith
2e469cc I was seeing something I didn't understand and did not want to. No I wasn't. I was seeing something I had always understood and wanted to understand better. growing-up humor Jane Gardam
38295de "Falderson," he said quietly to Bahzell in passable Navahkan, "is as stupid as the day is long." He craned his neck to gaze up at the hradani and shook his head. "In fact, he's even stupider than I thought. You, sir, are the biggest damned hradani-no offense-I think I've ever seen." day dumb hradani humor humours large long stupid stupidity tall David Weber
31c3458 I've got some athletes who do best on 70% carbs, 20% protein, 10% fat. But they deserve their carbohydrates. They've got a great pancreas, they're in- sulin-sensitive, blah, blah, blah, they've got a lot of muscle mass. But some athletes, they're allowed 10 licks of a dried prune every 6 months. That's all they deserve and that's all they'll get. And after 6 months, they're actually al- lowed to look at calendar pictures of cakes once a week. humor weight workout Timothy Ferriss
3d3312d "We could call it Herbie. And when she reaches adolescence, and goes boy-crazy, we can say "Herbie Goes Bananas" to each other over and over again, as you build the doorless turret we can lock her in." humor thoughtfulness weirdness Moran Caitlin
c37c2f1 The son of a bitch believes. humor idealism Don DeLillo
d8f7e6a Only in Xanth would parents see a dragon looming over their children and depart with confidence. humor Piers Anthony
b7062ab "I have a package for somebody named Mrs. Jewls," he said. "I'll take it," said Louis. "Are you Mrs. Jewls?" asked the man. "No," said Louis. "I have to give it to Mrs. Jewls," said the man. Louis thought a moment. He didn't want the man disturbing the children. He knew how much they hated to be interrupted when they were working. "I'm Mrs. Jewls," he said. "But you just said you weren't Mrs. Jewls," said the man. "I changed my mind," said Louis. The man got the package out of the back of the truck and gave it to Louis. "Here you go, Mrs. Jewls," he said." humor package school ups witty Louis Sachar
e3173ee The nine rubies were used afterwards in agriculture. You had only to throw them out into a field if you wanted it plowed. Then the whole surface of the land turned itself over in its anxiety to get rid of something so wicked, and in the morning the field was found to be plowed as thoroughly as any young man at Oxford. drinking fairy-tales humor E. Nesbit
5a0d599 So, that's okay. It's not like you're turning into an Endarkened or something, like Kellen's evil stepbrother Anigrel the Black. character-tiercel humor inside-joke james-mallory location-2115 mercedes-lackey page-120 the-phoenix-unchained Mercedes Lackey
3279039 "The professor pointed out how he could drop a keel and a propeller into the water, in case he came down at sea, and after cutting the gas bag loose he'd have a seaworthy boat. He had everything on board for survival at sea, including fancy fishing gear, flares and weather balloons for distress signals, and both shortwave radio equipment and a low-frequency system for round-the-world communications. "Boy! This is somethin' right out of Jules Verne...only better, maybe," said Homer. You are right, Mr. Snodgrass," said the professor. "It is ze only way to travel. You don't go so fast, but it beats swimming! Yes? And we have everysing for safety and comfort at sea, if we have to come down. Ze only thing we have to worry about is piranhas. Oh, zey are terrible! Zey will eat everysing in sight!" "Piranhas?" Homer gasped. "I thought they were only found in South American Rivers?" "Oh?" said the professor. "Do ze piranhas know zat, Mr. Snodgrass?" humor jules-verne ocean piranhas Bertrand R. Brinley
caddcd6 "Do you think people can be rehabilitated and forgiven?" "Sure! Look at Ollie North." "Well, he lost that Senate race. He was not sufficiently forgiven." "But he got some votes," Jan insisted. humor lorrie-moore Lorrie Moore (Author)
f205284 Dad lost his job. Then he got a new job. Then he got his old job back and went back to it. They were all in the same building. humor losing-jobs Aimee Bender
6a3e392 "It's a note. Let me read it for you. 'Couldn't anyone else see that they were all slaves of Satan? I had to cleanse the world of their evil. I am the hand of God. Why else would security have let me into the building with an assault rifle in my suitcase? I am a divine instrument.'" Tommy paused and looked up. "That's all I have so far, but I'll guess I end it with an apology to my mom. What do you think?" evil humor writing Christopher Moore
29e13a3 Ah, we shall never have a real aristocracy while this plebeian reluctance to live upon a parent or a wife continues the animating spirit of our youth. It strikes at the foot of the feudal system! humor youth Howells William Dean
e415478 You're like crabgrass! Every time I turn around, you're on another part of the lawn! humor Gordon Korman
89b82ae Go didn't like grilled cheese; she was scooping peanut butter out of the jar onto saltines. When a commercial break came on, she paused and said, 'If I had a dick, I would fuck this peanut butter.' deliberately spraying cracker bits toward me. 'I think if you had a dick, all sorts of bad things would happen. gillian-flynn humor twins Gillian Flynn
7f97610 - ?Siempre es usted asi? - ?Como es asi? - sonrio Falco. - Tan engreido. Tan seguro de si mismo. Tan de todo. - Va por dias. - ?Y hoy es uno de esos dias? La miro con cara de buen chico. Directo a los ojos. - Depende de usted. humor Arturo Pérez-Reverte
35567fa Nunca discutas sobre Dios. Lo mejor es decir 'Estoy de acuerdo contigo'. Entonces vas a tu casa y rezas lo que tu quieres. Esta es mi idea para que las personas esten en paz con la religion. humor religion Elizabeth Gilbert
7dce9ed Bacon is the meth of meats. humor meat Lisa Scottoline
3abd390 However, I suppose VH1 *is* selling me something; they're selling nostalgia, which means they're selling my own memories back to me, which means they're selling me to me. humor nostalgia Chuck Klosterman
1ebaa7f Tally really didn't have the strength to explain that she'd really meant her hangover, which was sprawled in her head like an overweight cat, sullen and squishy and disinclined to budge. distopia hangover humor humorous scott-westerfeld tally-youngblood Scott Westerfeld
ab6009e Mary had been raised in a family where blood was as thick as tomato sauce. humor italian Lisa Scottoline
910b4f9 "Tiddlywinks, tiddlywinks, I want to play tiddlywinks," chanted Ramona, shaking her head back and forth." childhood children humor playtime ramona Beverly Cleary
b37efb6 Rock and roll, big band, the blues. He loved them all. He would close his eyes and with a blissful smile begin to move to his own sense of rhythm. It wasn't always pretty. funny humor humour music rhythm Mitch Albom
0f3c2e0 The skin around the assistant director's eyes stretches. humor Anthony Doerr
720acb7 "But when she was annoyed with me, she had a cold way of saying "Apparently" in answer to almost anything I said, making me feel stupid. "Um, I can't find the can opener." "Apparently." "There's going to be a lunar eclipse tonight." "Apparently." "Look, sparks are coming out of the wall socket." "Apparently." humor humour Donna Tartt
3fe72fc (...) en cuanto sales de Europa, ya no hay mas que mosquitos. Unos mosquitos verdes, venenosos y pequenos, que se cuelgan por todas partes. Y que dan fiebre, y sueno... y a veces, la locura. Pero no te asustes tu, mi heroe..., tambien hay mosquiteros, y cremas especiales para la piel. Y luego, !la Ciencia! Por cada mosquito que produce Dios, producen una inyeccion los alemanes. humor Alejandro Casona
8f87126 "PJ's suggested chant, for pointless protest marches: "Five, four, three, two. We don't have a doggone clue!" humor pointless protest P.J. O'Rourke
19d1265 Weightlessness is like heroin, or how I imagine heroin must be. You try it once, and when it's over, all you can think about is how much you want to do it again. But apparently the thrill wears off. funny humor mary-roach sci-fi science space Mary Roach
0eba18f England resembles a ship in its shape' wrote Ralph Waldo Emerson in English Traits. He was wrong... England, of course, resembles a pig, with something on its back. Look at it. It is a hurrying pig; its snout is the south-west in Wales, and its reaching trotters are Cornwall, and its rump is East Anglia. The whole of Britain looks like a witch riding on a pig, and these contours - rump and snout and bonnet, and the scowling face of Western Scotland - were my route. geography humor travel Paul Theroux
7fcdf4a "Before Ernest could start walking back the cat, Melrose put in, "But isn't it rather we who have come here, Mrs. Attaboy?" At her uncomprehending look, he plowed on. "It is their country." "What? Africa?" "If Africa were a country, the answer would be yes." humor Martha Grimes
0e0a46a None of my family is good at being patient. It's why we all become doctors. humor patience Anne McCaffrey
cf81a39 THE NEXT DAY WAS RAIN-SOAKED and smelled of thick sweet caramel, warm coconut and ginger. A nearby bakery fanned its daily offerings. A lapis lazuli sky was blanketed by gunmetal gray clouds as it wept crocodile tears across the parched Los Angeles landscape. When Ivy was a child and she overheard adults talking about their break-ups, in her young feeble-formed mind, she imagined it in the most literal of essences. She once heard her mother speaking of her break up with an emotionally unavailable man. She said they broke up on 69th Street. Ivy visualized her mother and that man breaking into countless fragments, like a spilled box of jigsaw pieces. And she imagined them shattered in broken shards, being blown down the pavement of 69th Street. For some reason, on the drive home from Marcel's apartment that next morning, all Ivy could think about was her mother and that faceless man in broken pieces, perhaps some aspects of them still stuck in cracks and crevices of the sidewalk, mistaken as grit. She couldn't get the image of Marcel having his seizure out of her mind. It left a burning sensation in the center of her chest. An incessant flame torched her lungs, chest, and even the back door of her tongue. Witnessing someone you cared about experiencing a seizure was one of those things that scribed itself indelibly on the canvas of your mind. It was gut-wrenching. Graphic and out-of-body, it was the stuff that post traumatic stress syndrome was made of. beauty black-authors black-history deity emotion foodies humor inspiration knowledge literary-fiction love meaning new-york poetry prose rebirth scorpios sex stress valentine-s-day wilmington wisdom Brandi L. Bates
75e4779 In tutta sincerita, mi sforzo di prendere la faccenda allegramente, anche se, a dispetto delle mie proteste, la maggior parte delle persone trova difficile credermi. Per favore, fidati di me. Posso davvero essere allegra. Posso essere amabile. Affettuosa. Affabile. E queste sono solo le parole che cominciano per A. Non chiedermi pero di essere bella: essere bella non e da me. death humor inspirational Markus Zusak
859c4b7 Tenemos putrefactores, plagas y oxidos capaces de atacar su alfabeto. Estos son la leche. Tenemos un producto quimico para encoger sus cabanas que penetra las fibras del bambu provocando que las chozas asfixien a sus ocupantes. Esto funciona solo despues de las diez de la noche, cuando la gente duerme. Sus matematicas estan a merced de un supurante numero sordo que hemos inventado. Tenemos una familia de peces entrenados para atacar a sus peces.Tenemos el mortal telegrama destructor de testiculos. Las companias de telecomunicaciones estan colaborando con el proyecto. Tenemos una sustancia verde que, bueno, mejor no hablo de esto. humor war Donald Barthelme
8eadc19 "The Hollywooden heads would buy a car for almost any purpose except a worthy one. Many automobiles were purchased to attract members of LA's eight or ten opposite sexes. Since the denizens of America's Gomorrah, were incapable of verbalizing any idea more complex than "box office gross," the expensive car served as a substitute for witty come-on and seductive chat." hollywood humor los-angeles sex P.J. O'Rourke
f950be7 (Sam) Rafe grinned. humor rafe sam Kelley Armstrong
cd41297 Put some clothes on, you weird, yellow-eyed, table-dancing, werewolf-training, cryptic, stare-me-right-in-the-eyes-and-don't-even-blink wench. humor women Jim Butcher
29a12c4 For an instant Stile was daunted by the improbability of it all: a man, a cyborg, a robot, an animalhead, and a wooden golem, all riding unicorns through a battlefield strewn with goblins and dragons, pursuing an invaluable ball of power-rock that rolled along a channel cleared by plastic explosive. What a mishmash! humor magic science Piers Anthony
377b22c Anyway, the reason I hate communion isn't the meat-eating component. I get hungry enough, I'll eat anything. The reason I hate it is because everybody in the church except me, Jason Bock, stands up and gets in line for their little snack. I sit there alone in the pew while everybody stares at me as they file past. I sit there and burn under hellfire and damnation stare my father gives me. And I feel awful. But what choice do I have? According to Father Haynes, if a nonbeliever takes Holy Communion, he'll be damned for all eternity. Of course, being a nonbeliever damns me anyway, so I suppose it doesn't really matter, but I figure it's safer not to partake. Just in case I'm wrong about the whole God thing. So I sit and endure the stares and the pangs and twinges of Catholic guilt, knowing that I am doing the right thing if I'm right, and the right thing even if I'm wrong. Being Catholic is hard. Being ex-Catholic is even harder. communion godless humor Pete Hautman
c996891 "Right." A soft, choked laugh. "Kind of ruins the dramatic effect if I'm storming off in the wrong direction, doesn't it?" humor Kelley Armstrong
fd16506 "I believe in the unity of all living things. God is in us and in all that exists." "So, when you eat a carrot, aren't you eating God?" god humor left-behind ryan Jerry B. Jenkins
5e1dbf3 "He smiled - a real smile. Damn. It was easier to deal with him when he was being thoroughly vile. "Look, I'm sorry for being so rude earlier today. Your presence came as something of a shock and I reacted badly." "Oh." Geared for battle, his apology took me utterly by surprise. I gaped. "Aunt Arabella spoke very highly of you," he added, heaping coals of fire on my head. "She was impressed by your work on the Purple Gentian." "Why all this sudden amiability?" I asked suspiciously, crossing my arms across my chest. "Are you always this blunt?" "I'm too tired to be tactful," I said honestly. "Fair enough." Stretching, Colin detached himself from the wall. "Can I make you some hot chocolate as a token of peace? I was just about to have some myself," he added. Suiting action to words, he loped over to the counter beside the sink and checked the level of water in a battered brown plastic electric kettle. Satisfied, he plugged it into the wall, flipping the red switch on the side. I followed him over to the counter, the linen folds of the nightgown trailing after me across the linoleum. "As long as you promise not to slip any arsenic in it." Colin rooted around in a cupboard above the sink for the cocoa tin and held it out to me to sniff. "See? Arsenic free." I leant back against the counter, my elbows behind me on the marble work surface. "I don't think arsenic is supposed to have a smell, is it?" "Damn, foiled again." Colin spooned Cadbury's instant hot chocolate into two mugs, one decorated with large purple flowers, and the other with a quotation that I thought might be Jane Austen, but the author's name was hidden around the other side of the mug. "Look, if it makes you feel better, I promise to do a very bad job hiding your body." "In that case, carry on," I yawned." arsenic colin eloise humor Lauren Willig
d9f05c1 The logic underlying the truism that one should always travel on a plane with a book is also precisely why bed-and-breakfast culture is to be avoided if at all possible. Namely, you might have to talk to someone. humor travel David Rakoff
b9d68a5 Remember to remember: sometimes your adversary is your biggest asset. Where would David be without Goliath? Jesus without Judas? achievement-attitude adversity bravery courage growth humor inspiration irony life-lessons motivation strength success wisdom Brandi L. Bates
ce7cb99 Becoming a woman felt a bit like becoming famous. For, from being benevolently generally ignored - the base-line existence of most children - a teenage girl is suddenly fascinating to others, and gets bombarded with questions: What size are you? Have you done it yet? Will you have sex with me? Have you got ID? Do you want to try a puff of this? Are you seeing anyone? Have you got protection? What's your signature style? Can you walk in heels? Who are your heroes? Are you getting a Brazilian? What porn do you like? Do you want to get married? When are you going to have kids? Are you a feminist? Were you just flirting with that man? What do you want to do? WHO ARE YOU? All ridiculous questions to ask of a 13-year-old simply because she now needs a bra. They might as well have been asking my dog. I had absolutely no idea. humor women Caitlin Moran
e354d17 Kid,' he laughed 'you're crazier than a shithouse rat in an Indian restaurant but you've got yourself a deal. Vinny! Lace up, you and the KFC are going three rounds. humor David Louden
535d2f2 "Billie turned back to Geroge. "He's an idiot." He held up his hands. "You will find no argument here." "The plight of the younger son," Andrew said with a sigh. Billie rolled her eyes, tipping he read toward Andrew as she said to George, "Don't encourage him." "To be ganged up upon," Andrew went on, "never respected..." George crane his neck, trying to read the title of Billie's book. "What are you reading?" "And," Andrew continued, "apparently ignored as well." billie-bridgerton george-rokesby humor idiot sybilla-bridgerton Julia Quinn
e36be8b "There's no need to say anything to Mr. Turing. I was the one who wasn't watching where I was going" "You were the one?" Mavis said indignantly. "Turing never pays the slightest attention to where he's going. He simply plows through pedestrians" Elspeth nodded. "Someone needs to tell him he must be more careful! He could have injured you!" And I could have injured him, Mike thought. Or killed him. If Turing had lost control of his bicycle and crashed into a lamppost instead of the curb, or into a brick wall... Mavis said, "I've a good mind to tell Cap--" "No. There's no need to tell anybody. I'm Fine. No Harm done. Thank you for picking me up and dusting me off." He picked up his bag, which Mavis had carried in... "Watch out for Turing on your way there," Joan cut in. "And for Dilly," Elspeth said. "He's even worse about not watching where he's going, and he has a car! Whenever he comes to a crossing, he speeds up." "Dilly?" Mike said hoarsely. bad-drivers bletchley-park driving humor ultra wwii Connie Willis
94cd7d9 To begin with, the room was not large enough for two. It looked out on a small courtyard. 'Looked out' means only that the room had two windows, against which the courtyard malevolently pressed, encroaching day by day, as though it had confused itself with a jungle. giovanni-s-room humor james-baldwin James Baldwin
3212530 As Martin noted, to the detectives conducting his interview, it was a good thing he'd been inebriated, because otherwise he would have wasted time screaming and running about - especially once he realized he was standing in a pool of blood. Instead, with the slow methodical patience of the drunk and terrified, Martin Turner dialed 999 and asked for the police. humor Ben Aaronovitch
8cb309a I once read a short story about some cannibals who didn't turn their victims into steaks and chops and roasts; they made them all into sausages. Because when you're eating a sausage you don't think so much about what you're eating. It's the same with communion wafers. .......... My point is, the miracle of the Holy Communion is when the priest turns these little white disks into the flesh of Jesus Christ. They call it transubstantiation. So, if you buy that, then the host the priest places on your tongue is actually a silver of Jesus meat. But they make the host as different from meat as they can, so even though communion is a form of cannibalism, nobody gets grossed out. Like with the sausages. god humor religion transubstantiation Pete Hautman
bfd58d2 "Alecto... what do you think would happen if people found out about you? Your abilities, your life, Mearth's super 8 films, those powers of yours... how would they react?" "I don't know," said Alecto, "but ordinary people like a show, especially when it's a disturbing one. They enjoy seeing misery... probably because it allows them to pretend that they themselves are not so miserable, too. Also, they would probably find out about you, how you know about Personifications, how you saw the films... they would put us in cages and throw peanuts at us, I guess." "All joking aside, Alecto...." "Who is joking, Mandy Valems?" film humor joke misery ordinary peanuts powers psychokinesis psychokinetic pyrokinesis pyrokinetic show super-8 super-8-film super-eight telekinesis throw Rebecca McNutt
a324e8f Maria, groaning for scraps, would drape his head on my feet as I ate, trying to camouflage himself as my napkin or the rug. dogs humor Arthur Phillips
c9b0d60 "Plans?" he snorted. "I'm ninety-three years old! Who in tarnation makes plans at my age? I could stop breathin' any minute now." humor Linda Howard
81de097 Dess took a deep breath, feeling a rush of relief now that the proclamation had been made. It was sort of like being the first astronomer to spot one of those big dinosaur-extermination-sized asteroids on its way toward Earth. Sure, this was majorly unpleasant news for everyone, including Dess personally, but at least she got to announce it. humor Scott Westerfeld
5b1ea60 "Thanks to Dashiell Hammett. "He was thin, walked with a stick, and was the only private dick I knew who used the pockets of his sport coat. Maybe that means something, maybe not." Ramone Ramone, 2013" fiction humor mystery Thomas deKooning
6b2e539 Or there's peer tutoring. Oh my god. I'm tutoring the cutest little second grader right now. I totally taught her how to stay within the lines with her eyeshadow. humor tutoring Meg Cabot
dbe5231 "These poor souls. These poor pathetic souls." The Emperor gestured toward the passersby. "I don't understand," Tommy said. "Their time has passed and they don't know what to do. They were told what they wanted and they believed it. They can only keep their dream alive by being with others like themselves who will mirror their illusions." "They have really nice shoes," Tommy said. "They have to look right or their peers will turn on them like starving dogs. They are the fallen gods. The new gods are producers, creators, doers. The new gods are the chinless techno-children who would rather eat white sugar and watch science-fiction films than worry about what shoes they wear. And these poor souls desperately push papers around hoping that a mystical message will appear to save them from the new, awkward, brilliant gods and their silicon-chip reality. Some of them will survive, of course, but most will fall. Uncreative thinking is done better by machines. Poor souls, you can almost hear them sweating." emperor-of-san-francisco happiness humor metaphor reality shoes Christopher Moore
e63fb39 Your key hobbies need to be long country walks (get some fresh air in those lungs!), masturbation, and the revolution. Between those three, you should, in the long term, stay relatively sane. feminism humor Caitlin Moran
d3c62fd "This book is a work of fiction. Actually, it is a work of fiction within a fiction, as the main characters, though real persons in a fictional world, are being depicted in a book which other fictional characters in the same world are reading. Any reference to historical events-- rather, historical events non-Marridonian, and also non-Sesternese-- real people--rather, people in our realm, not the persons I was referring to in the previous line-- or real places--places that are not Marridon, Sesterna, and any place on the Two Continents-- are used fictitiously, because this is a work of fiction, and is a fiction within a fiction, as was previously stated. All names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author's imagination--referring to the ultimate author, not the fictitious author who has written the book within the book-- and any resemblance to actual events, locales, persons, living, dead, or otherwise, is entirely coincidental, but any resemblance to actual persons or places in the Two Continents is intentional. Absolutely no parts of this book, text or art, may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means, whether electronically or mechanically, including photocopying-- "By Myrellenos, are we here in the disclaimer again? This is the third time, I believe. And there are still no cups out. Where is the teapot?" "Here, boss." "Oh, there is tea in this story? I might be more inclined to stay and hear this one. The others were dreadful slow. I must have some tea, if I am going to be made to sit and listen to a whole book. I am not Bartleby, who can sit at his desk and flump over his tomes until he moulders." "He's gonna hear you, boss." "I should say not, Rannig. He is too busy with doing the edits. He found a mistake in one of the other books about us and demanded he perform the editing this time around. The author was very good to let him do as he likes. He is missing tea, however." --audio recording, data retrieval, cloud storage, torrent, or streaming service. If you do decide to ignore this disclaimer and print or share this book illegally, I will have Bartleby come to your house with a sample from the Marridonian legal extracts, and he will read them to you until you promise never to do anything illegal again." humor pirates Michelle Franklin
65aa767 Me, Mia. Mama mia, Mia. Otis is rigor mortis. humor murder Nelson DeMille
9d3c376 "I look through the old record collection my dad gave me. Stress relief. I shuffle through the albums feverishly and find what I'm looking for-the Proclaimers. I chuck it on and watch it spin. The ridiculous first notes of "Five Hundred Miles" come on, and I feel like going berserk. Even the Proclaimers are giving me the shits tonight. Their singing's an abomination." humor location-1259 music record singing stress stress-relief the-proclaimers Markus Zusak
d3d2080 Wenn einen das Schicksal nicht zum Lachen bringt, dann hat man den Witz nicht kapiert. humor life Gregory David Roberts
1d1fe55 Fuck me,' I said out loud, 'I'm in fairyland. humor peter-grant Ben Aaronovitch
8c8b061 Them Frenchies!' 'Unchristian, that's what I call 'em,' responded Mr. Stubbs severely. 'I fair compassionate that wench. comedy humor idiocy idiotic idiots moronic Georgette Heyer
e8010e6 "I never indulge commonplace thoughts," said Sir Vincent... "Not, at all events, in relation to the Grand Sophy." humor regency Georgette Heyer
003016b Armata, casatoria, biserica si banca: cei patru calareti ai Apocalipsei. dark humor Carlos Ruiz Zafón
611c76f Jody screamed at him: a high, explosive, unintelligible expulsion of pure inhuman frustration--a Hendrix high note sampled and sung by a billion suffering souls in Hell's own choir. humor Christopher Moore
3d18c80 Czesto sie twierdzi, ze ze wszystkich teorii powstalych w tym stuleciu najglupsza jest teoria kwantowa. Niektorzy uwazaja, ze na jej korzysc przemawia wylacznie to, iz jest niepodwazalnie poprawna. humor nauka Michio Kaku
9b32cc8 Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. It makes people think you're dead. death humor humour loss Christopher Fowler
9b1603e "It's only when you stop to think about it. I don't stop. - From "Morning" humor introspection motion reflection Donald Barthelme
abfb7ba "...can we pause for a moment to talk about that term, Innovention? A neologism that, in an effort to turbo-charge meaning, takes two perfectly eloquent and unassailable words and by combining them renders both suspect. It is a word developed by a committee, one that can only be spoken unironically if one is being paid to do so, like menus in chain restaurants that list "Snacketizers" and "Appeteasers." Can't you just taste the process-mapping? The neon-orange layer of melted reconstituted-milk-solids-derived "cheese," the pink stratum of animal-protein-cultured "meat"? Vacuum-packed and irradiated and shipped to some franchise that itself was unpackaged from boxes sent directly from corporate, with ready-made walls of homey, weathered fake brick and battered retro license plates. "Innovention" can only leave a similar taste in the mouth. It makes one suspicious, wondering about the ways in which the object in question is found so wanting, so insufficiently innovative or lacking in invention to warrant this linguistic boost." humor innovention David Rakoff
918722d "What do you call the weak point?" He paused. "The fact that the average American looks down on his wife." humor marriage relationships undine-spragg weak-point Edith Wharton
3f82c21 "All faults or defects, from the slightest misconduct to the most flagitious crime, Pantocyclus attributed to some deviation from perfect Regularity in the bodily figure, caused perhaps (if not congenital) by some collision in a crowd; by neglect to take exercise, or by taking too much of it; or even by a sudden change of temperature, resulting in a shrinkage or expansion in some too susceptible part of the frame. Therefore, concluded that illustrious Philosopher, neither good conduct nor bad conduct is a fit subject, in any sober estimation, for either praise or blame. For why should you praise, for example, the integrity of a Square who faithfully defends the interests of his client, when you ought in reality rather to admire the exact precision of his right angles? Or again, why blame a lying, thievish Isosceles when you ought rather to deplore the incurable inequality of his sides? Theoretically, this doctrine is unquestionable; but it has practical drawbacks. In dealing with an Isosceles, if a rascal pleads that he cannot help stealing because of his unevenness, you reply that for that very reason, because he cannot help being a nuisance to his neighbours, you, the Magistrate, cannot help sentencing him to be consumed - and there's an end of the matter. But in little domestic difficulties, where the penalty of consumption, or death, is out of the question, this theory of Configuration sometimes comes in awkwardly; and I must confess that occasionally when one of my own Hexagonal Grandsons pleads as an excuse for his disobedience that a sudden change of the temperature has been too much for his perimeter, and that I ought to lay the blame not on him but on his Configuration, which can only be strengthened by abundance of the choicest sweetmeats, I neither see my way logically to reject, nor practically to accept, his conclusions. For my own part, I find it best to assume that a good sound scolding or castigation has some latent and strengthening influence on my Grandson's Configuration; though I own that I have no grounds for thinking so. At all events I am not alone in my way of extricating myself from this dilemma; for I find that many of the highest Circles, sitting as Judges in law courts, use praise and blame towards Regular and Irregular Figures; and in their homes I know by experience that, when scolding their children, they speak about "right" or "wrong" as vehemently and passionately as if they believed that these names represented real existences, and that a human Figure is really capable of choosing between them." humor logic morality punishment right-and-wrong Edwin A. Abbott
913950b El pecado de Onan. Derramar en el suelo la vieja semilla. Atar el camello. Quitarle el polvo al burro. Azotar al fariseo. Onanismo, el pecado que requiere de cientos de horas de practica para ser dominado, o al menos eso era lo que yo me decia a mi mismo. Dios mato a Onan por derramar su semilla en el suelo (la semilla de Onan, no la de Dios). humor jesus-christ messiah Christopher Moore
88992c5 I gave you three proofs of witchcraft. A cat that drinks blood! A horse that talks! And a man who propagates POODLES! historical humor satire witchcraft Richard Curtis
0687e94 One very gratifying compliment I sometimes hear is that women want to be my best friend. This endlessly amuses my actual best friend, Jocelyn, because in her estimation I'm 'a good friend, but not that great. humor Mindy Kaling
2f41abb Go Home. Cut your losses. Stay. Go for it. You are a republic of voices tonight. Unfortunately, that republic is Italy. All these voices waving their arms and screaming at one another. humor indecision italy mind Jay McInerney
2c9f187 Whatever happened, he wasn't just Mason anymore. He was Mason and something else. Like God's older brother, who takes God's money, steals his car, and fucks his girlfriend. That's Mason now. A guy who isn't afraid to pants God... humor Richard Kadrey
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