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Link Quote Stars Tags Author
9ea0b2d Fucksocks! It's Chet the huge shaved vampyre cat, down on the street. He looks bigger, and I think he ate a meter maid. Her little cart is running and there's an empty uniform on the curb. Bad kitty! humor vampire-kitties Christopher Moore
4291af3 "Or, as Nikolas had said, in tones of admiration, "She can tell you to go to hell in a way that will send you running off to pack your bags." girl-power humor Mercedes Lackey
6a3e392 "It's a note. Let me read it for you. 'Couldn't anyone else see that they were all slaves of Satan? I had to cleanse the world of their evil. I am the hand of God. Why else would security have let me into the building with an assault rifle in my suitcase? I am a divine instrument.'" Tommy paused and looked up. "That's all I have so far, but I'll guess I end it with an apology to my mom. What do you think?" evil humor writing Christopher Moore
dbe5231 "These poor souls. These poor pathetic souls." The Emperor gestured toward the passersby. "I don't understand," Tommy said. "Their time has passed and they don't know what to do. They were told what they wanted and they believed it. They can only keep their dream alive by being with others like themselves who will mirror their illusions." "They have really nice shoes," Tommy said. "They have to look right or their peers will turn on them like starving dogs. They are the fallen gods. The new gods are producers, creators, doers. The new gods are the chinless techno-children who would rather eat white sugar and watch science-fiction films than worry about what shoes they wear. And these poor souls desperately push papers around hoping that a mystical message will appear to save them from the new, awkward, brilliant gods and their silicon-chip reality. Some of them will survive, of course, but most will fall. Uncreative thinking is done better by machines. Poor souls, you can almost hear them sweating." emperor-of-san-francisco happiness humor metaphor reality shoes Christopher Moore
913950b El pecado de Onan. Derramar en el suelo la vieja semilla. Atar el camello. Quitarle el polvo al burro. Azotar al fariseo. Onanismo, el pecado que requiere de cientos de horas de practica para ser dominado, o al menos eso era lo que yo me decia a mi mismo. Dios mato a Onan por derramar su semilla en el suelo (la semilla de Onan, no la de Dios). humor jesus-christ messiah Christopher Moore
611c76f Jody screamed at him: a high, explosive, unintelligible expulsion of pure inhuman frustration--a Hendrix high note sampled and sung by a billion suffering souls in Hell's own choir. humor Christopher Moore
10c4fd9 "I gave you all!" screeched Lear, waving a palsied claw at Regan. "And you took your bloody time giving it, too, you senile old fuck," said Regan." humor king-lear paraphrased shakespeare Christopher Moore
b82cbb2 Zhizn' -- odinochestvo, izredka narushaemoe bogami, kotorye drazniat nas svoei druzhboi i sluchainym trakhom. humor inspirational philosophy-of-life Christopher Moore
0eba18f England resembles a ship in its shape' wrote Ralph Waldo Emerson in English Traits. He was wrong... England, of course, resembles a pig, with something on its back. Look at it. It is a hurrying pig; its snout is the south-west in Wales, and its reaching trotters are Cornwall, and its rump is East Anglia. The whole of Britain looks like a witch riding on a pig, and these contours - rump and snout and bonnet, and the scowling face of Western Scotland - were my route. geography humor travel Paul Theroux
1c6d704 "Where in the nine hells did you ever find the notion that I would fight fair?" -Drizzt Do'Urden" humor R.A. Salvatore
c37c2f1 The son of a bitch believes. humor idealism Don DeLillo
31c3458 I've got some athletes who do best on 70% carbs, 20% protein, 10% fat. But they deserve their carbohydrates. They've got a great pancreas, they're in- sulin-sensitive, blah, blah, blah, they've got a lot of muscle mass. But some athletes, they're allowed 10 licks of a dried prune every 6 months. That's all they deserve and that's all they'll get. And after 6 months, they're actually al- lowed to look at calendar pictures of cakes once a week. humor weight workout Timothy Ferriss
65aa767 Me, Mia. Mama mia, Mia. Otis is rigor mortis. humor murder Nelson DeMille
8d560a7 A lot of who you were in middle age was determined before you had a chance to manipulate, control, or eve understand the things around you. It was no mystery, he thought, why some old people's minds returned to their youth; the wonder of those years, the discoveries, the first experience with the dirty secret of death, and the first stirrings of lust and love were indelible, drawn in luminous colors on clean canvas. Indeed, the first sex act was so mind-boggling that most people could still remember it clearly twenty, thirty, sixty years later. humor inspirational life love lust old romance science sex wisdom Nelson DeMille
d828aa8 "He stepped back, cursing. "Hey, haven't you heard of the First Amendment? You jerk!" The security guard, still gunning like a mad scientist, said over the loudspeaker, "Sure, you little shit, and Prince Charles is a Tampax" humor Catherine Coulter
df9d675 "Unluckier still was Guillaume Le Gentil, whose experiences are wonderfully summarized by Timothy Ferris in Coming of Age in the Milky Way . Le Gentil set off from France a year ahead of time to observe the transit (of Venus) from India, but various setbacks left him still at sea on the day of the transit--just about the worst place to be since steady measurements were impossible on a pitching ship. humor resilience Bill Bryson
8eadc19 "The Hollywooden heads would buy a car for almost any purpose except a worthy one. Many automobiles were purchased to attract members of LA's eight or ten opposite sexes. Since the denizens of America's Gomorrah, were incapable of verbalizing any idea more complex than "box office gross," the expensive car served as a substitute for witty come-on and seductive chat." hollywood humor los-angeles sex P.J. O'Rourke
8f87126 "PJ's suggested chant, for pointless protest marches: "Five, four, three, two. We don't have a doggone clue!" humor pointless protest P.J. O'Rourke
918722d "What do you call the weak point?" He paused. "The fact that the average American looks down on his wife." humor marriage relationships undine-spragg weak-point Edith Wharton
7fcdf4a "Before Ernest could start walking back the cat, Melrose put in, "But isn't it rather we who have come here, Mrs. Attaboy?" At her uncomprehending look, he plowed on. "It is their country." "What? Africa?" "If Africa were a country, the answer would be yes." humor Martha Grimes
c4238b3 "Oh, it'll definitely fool the Germans," Cess said. "There's no clearer proof that there's an army in the area than beer bottles and used condoms." humor wwii-fiction Connie Willis
827a153 Reach down inside yourself, Peabody, and get a grip on reality, however slippery. humor J.D. Robb
d3d2080 Wenn einen das Schicksal nicht zum Lachen bringt, dann hat man den Witz nicht kapiert. humor life Gregory David Roberts
0a6d920 All at once I felt myself haunted by a terrible vision, of a world without guidance: a land of emptiness, where all was ruled by the madness of chance. How could one endure such a place, where all significance was lost? I myself would mean nothing, but would merely be a kind of self-invention: a speck upon the wind, calling itself Wilson. I felt my spirit waver, as if it were toppling into the abyss before me. humor religion Matthew Kneale
e36be8b "There's no need to say anything to Mr. Turing. I was the one who wasn't watching where I was going" "You were the one?" Mavis said indignantly. "Turing never pays the slightest attention to where he's going. He simply plows through pedestrians" Elspeth nodded. "Someone needs to tell him he must be more careful! He could have injured you!" And I could have injured him, Mike thought. Or killed him. If Turing had lost control of his bicycle and crashed into a lamppost instead of the curb, or into a brick wall... Mavis said, "I've a good mind to tell Cap--" "No. There's no need to tell anybody. I'm Fine. No Harm done. Thank you for picking me up and dusting me off." He picked up his bag, which Mavis had carried in... "Watch out for Turing on your way there," Joan cut in. "And for Dilly," Elspeth said. "He's even worse about not watching where he's going, and he has a car! Whenever he comes to a crossing, he speeds up." "Dilly?" Mike said hoarsely. bad-drivers bletchley-park driving humor ultra wwii Connie Willis
1ebaa7f Tally really didn't have the strength to explain that she'd really meant her hangover, which was sprawled in her head like an overweight cat, sullen and squishy and disinclined to budge. distopia hangover humor humorous scott-westerfeld tally-youngblood Scott Westerfeld
2c4d405 "When someone makes a spectacular ass of himself, it's always in a French restaurant, never a Japanese or Italian one. The French are the people who slap one another with gloves and wear scarves to cover their engorged hickies. My understanding was that, no matter how hard we tried, the French would never like us, and that's confusing to an American raised to believe that the citizens of Europe should be grateful for all the wonderful things we've done. Things like movies that stereotype the people of France as boors and petty snobs, and little remarks such as "We saved your ass in World War II." Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos were born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by eighty inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are "We're number two!" french humor usa David Sedaris
d9f05c1 The logic underlying the truism that one should always travel on a plane with a book is also precisely why bed-and-breakfast culture is to be avoided if at all possible. Namely, you might have to talk to someone. humor travel David Rakoff
abfb7ba "...can we pause for a moment to talk about that term, Innovention? A neologism that, in an effort to turbo-charge meaning, takes two perfectly eloquent and unassailable words and by combining them renders both suspect. It is a word developed by a committee, one that can only be spoken unironically if one is being paid to do so, like menus in chain restaurants that list "Snacketizers" and "Appeteasers." Can't you just taste the process-mapping? The neon-orange layer of melted reconstituted-milk-solids-derived "cheese," the pink stratum of animal-protein-cultured "meat"? Vacuum-packed and irradiated and shipped to some franchise that itself was unpackaged from boxes sent directly from corporate, with ready-made walls of homey, weathered fake brick and battered retro license plates. "Innovention" can only leave a similar taste in the mouth. It makes one suspicious, wondering about the ways in which the object in question is found so wanting, so insufficiently innovative or lacking in invention to warrant this linguistic boost." humor innovention David Rakoff
81de097 Dess took a deep breath, feeling a rush of relief now that the proclamation had been made. It was sort of like being the first astronomer to spot one of those big dinosaur-extermination-sized asteroids on its way toward Earth. Sure, this was majorly unpleasant news for everyone, including Dess personally, but at least she got to announce it. humor Scott Westerfeld
0c391ed "You can take him, right?" he asks a couple minutes later. humor Rodman Philbrick
e7b4f09 Over and over again, Harriet read the story about Lazarus in the Bible, but it refused to address even the most basic questions. What had Lazarus to say to Jesus and his sisters about his week in the grave? Did he still smell? Was he able to go back home and carry on living with his sisters, or was he frightening to the people around him and perhaps had to go off somewhere and live by himself like Frankenstein's monster? She could not help thinking that if she, Harriet, had been there, she would have had more to say on the subject than Saint Luke did. humor resurrection Donna Tartt
2c9f187 Whatever happened, he wasn't just Mason anymore. He was Mason and something else. Like God's older brother, who takes God's money, steals his car, and fucks his girlfriend. That's Mason now. A guy who isn't afraid to pants God... humor Richard Kadrey
720acb7 "But when she was annoyed with me, she had a cold way of saying "Apparently" in answer to almost anything I said, making me feel stupid. "Um, I can't find the can opener." "Apparently." "There's going to be a lunar eclipse tonight." "Apparently." "Look, sparks are coming out of the wall socket." "Apparently." humor humour Donna Tartt
4f14022 Registration Day' by Gavin Gunhold (1899-- ) Toronto Review of Poetry, 1947 On registration day at taxidermy school I distinctly saw the eyes of the stuffed moose Move. humor moose poetry school taxidermy taxidermy-school Gordon Korman
24787d3 "Oh, God. Not again." Not again? "Do you make a habit of driving into people's houses?" christina-dodd humor life suspense thriller virtue-falls Christina Dodd
a1802fa "I think you're going to like these," she said, placing the stack on the table. "The whole class spent Monday and Tuesday painting them up." Raymond and Sean lifted up the top poster and stared. ARSE PRESENTS SUPER HALLOWEEN PARTY FOOD, DRINKS, GREAT MUSIC HALLOWEEN TRAMPOLINE COSTUME CONTEST FOR THE MYSTERY PRIZE DON'T MISS IT! She smiled proudly. "What do you think?" "Nice," said Sean, wondering why Raymond had suddenly gone so silent and so pale. Finally Raymond found his voice. "But Ashly, why does it say" --he pointed to the top line-- "that?" "That? That's us. Our initials--Ashly, Raymond, Sean, and Eckerman--I couldn't remember his first name." "I get it," said Sean. Raymond was positively white. "The other kids who worked on them--they didn't--say anything about the posters? The wording maybe?" "The whole class really liked them," said Ashley. "I think everyone's favorite part was the initials thing. They thought it was clever." Raymond looked up at the ceiling. "Oh, it was." clever humor initials posters unfortunate-acronym Gordon Korman
edd90e9 When you live with a woman you learn something every day. So far I have learned that long hair will clog up the shower drain before you can say 'Liquid-Plumr'; humor marriage married-life shower Audrey Niffenegger
e415478 You're like crabgrass! Every time I turn around, you're on another part of the lawn! humor Gordon Korman
254411a "They would regret that they had not killed him; he would get out of that hole and find Juliana sooner or later, even if he had to pursue her to hell itself. "Oh, you won't have to go that far, we are on our way to California," Diego said in farewell" humor love Isabel Allende
88992c5 I gave you three proofs of witchcraft. A cat that drinks blood! A horse that talks! And a man who propagates POODLES! historical humor satire witchcraft Richard Curtis
f7df2df There is something about a man with a beard I cannot stand. No particular reason for it. Prejudice, I suppose. I feel the same way about cats. arrogant beards cats distrust egotistical humor pomposity pompous Charles Willeford
97d2743 The only thing more pitiful than a middle-aged punk is a white Rastafarian. I did meet one of those once, and he was lonelier than I was. humor people Louis de Bernières
35567fa Nunca discutas sobre Dios. Lo mejor es decir 'Estoy de acuerdo contigo'. Entonces vas a tu casa y rezas lo que tu quieres. Esta es mi idea para que las personas esten en paz con la religion. humor religion Elizabeth Gilbert
380e9a0 "Only a very careless father would be inclined to tell you what I'm going to tell you. I suppose I'm about to act like the disreputable uncle who everyone fears to leave the boys with because he encourages them to drink distilled spirits, stay up late, and do more than merely kiss girls." "Uh... what?" Mags replied, utterly bewildered now. "I am going," Jakyr said, leaning toward Mags, his eyes dancing with laughter, "to tell you how to please a woman." Max thought for a moment his face that caught fire, because surely it couldn't burn like that without some outside help." humor mentor Mercedes Lackey
2acdf0b There are just people going about what they always do. Talking. Parking crooked. funny human-nature humor location-3548 parking people Markus Zusak
9d3c376 "I look through the old record collection my dad gave me. Stress relief. I shuffle through the albums feverishly and find what I'm looking for-the Proclaimers. I chuck it on and watch it spin. The ridiculous first notes of "Five Hundred Miles" come on, and I feel like going berserk. Even the Proclaimers are giving me the shits tonight. Their singing's an abomination." humor location-1259 music record singing stress stress-relief the-proclaimers Markus Zusak
75e4779 In tutta sincerita, mi sforzo di prendere la faccenda allegramente, anche se, a dispetto delle mie proteste, la maggior parte delle persone trova difficile credermi. Per favore, fidati di me. Posso davvero essere allegra. Posso essere amabile. Affettuosa. Affabile. E queste sono solo le parole che cominciano per A. Non chiedermi pero di essere bella: essere bella non e da me. death humor inspirational Markus Zusak
bae5df5 Bloody clothing is often a clue that something has gone awry. humor Libba Bray
c53cca2 There's no such thing as hideously ordinary. If something is hideous, it's automatically extraordinary. In a hideous way. humor Libba Bray
535d2f2 "Billie turned back to Geroge. "He's an idiot." He held up his hands. "You will find no argument here." "The plight of the younger son," Andrew said with a sigh. Billie rolled her eyes, tipping he read toward Andrew as she said to George, "Don't encourage him." "To be ganged up upon," Andrew went on, "never respected..." George crane his neck, trying to read the title of Billie's book. "What are you reading?" "And," Andrew continued, "apparently ignored as well." billie-bridgerton george-rokesby humor idiot sybilla-bridgerton Julia Quinn
afe79bb "Wie fuhlen Sie sich?', fragte der Arzt. 'Etwas in Sorge, ehrlich gesagt. Ich habe getraumt, dass mich Jesus Christus besucht und wir ein langes, tiefgehendes Gesprach gefuhrt haben.' das-labyrinth-der-lichter fermìn fußball humor jesus witzig zafon Carlos Ruiz Zafón
003016b Armata, casatoria, biserica si banca: cei patru calareti ai Apocalipsei. dark humor Carlos Ruiz Zafón
38295de "Falderson," he said quietly to Bahzell in passable Navahkan, "is as stupid as the day is long." He craned his neck to gaze up at the hradani and shook his head. "In fact, he's even stupider than I thought. You, sir, are the biggest damned hradani-no offense-I think I've ever seen." day dumb hradani humor humours large long stupid stupidity tall David Weber
4e3699a If you think it's bad now, my friend, wait till we reach a town!' He shook his head and brushed at his tattered, dirty shirtsleeve. 'Do try to remember we're visitors-and not welcome ones-if you should feel moved to reason with anyone. foreign foreigner foreigners humor humours reason travel traveling unfriendly visitor David Weber
94cd7d9 To begin with, the room was not large enough for two. It looked out on a small courtyard. 'Looked out' means only that the room had two windows, against which the courtyard malevolently pressed, encroaching day by day, as though it had confused itself with a jungle. giovanni-s-room humor james-baldwin James Baldwin
e6002c9 Niemand hat je gesagt, dass das Universum normal ist. humor Dan Simmons
8cb309a I once read a short story about some cannibals who didn't turn their victims into steaks and chops and roasts; they made them all into sausages. Because when you're eating a sausage you don't think so much about what you're eating. It's the same with communion wafers. .......... My point is, the miracle of the Holy Communion is when the priest turns these little white disks into the flesh of Jesus Christ. They call it transubstantiation. So, if you buy that, then the host the priest places on your tongue is actually a silver of Jesus meat. But they make the host as different from meat as they can, so even though communion is a form of cannibalism, nobody gets grossed out. Like with the sausages. god humor religion transubstantiation Pete Hautman
377b22c Anyway, the reason I hate communion isn't the meat-eating component. I get hungry enough, I'll eat anything. The reason I hate it is because everybody in the church except me, Jason Bock, stands up and gets in line for their little snack. I sit there alone in the pew while everybody stares at me as they file past. I sit there and burn under hellfire and damnation stare my father gives me. And I feel awful. But what choice do I have? According to Father Haynes, if a nonbeliever takes Holy Communion, he'll be damned for all eternity. Of course, being a nonbeliever damns me anyway, so I suppose it doesn't really matter, but I figure it's safer not to partake. Just in case I'm wrong about the whole God thing. So I sit and endure the stares and the pangs and twinges of Catholic guilt, knowing that I am doing the right thing if I'm right, and the right thing even if I'm wrong. Being Catholic is hard. Being ex-Catholic is even harder. communion godless humor Pete Hautman
f205284 Dad lost his job. Then he got a new job. Then he got his old job back and went back to it. They were all in the same building. humor losing-jobs Aimee Bender
b7062ab "I have a package for somebody named Mrs. Jewls," he said. "I'll take it," said Louis. "Are you Mrs. Jewls?" asked the man. "No," said Louis. "I have to give it to Mrs. Jewls," said the man. Louis thought a moment. He didn't want the man disturbing the children. He knew how much they hated to be interrupted when they were working. "I'm Mrs. Jewls," he said. "But you just said you weren't Mrs. Jewls," said the man. "I changed my mind," said Louis. The man got the package out of the back of the truck and gave it to Louis. "Here you go, Mrs. Jewls," he said." humor package school ups witty Louis Sachar
9b32cc8 Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. It makes people think you're dead. death humor humour loss Christopher Fowler
65ee9e7 "Ha um morcego de papel da festa das bruxas pendurado num cordao acima de sua cabeca; ele levanta o braco e da um piparote no morcego, que comeca a girar. - Dia de outono bem agradavel - continua ele. Fala um pouco do jeito como papai costumava falar, voz alta, selvagem mesmo, mas nao se parece com papai; papai era um indio puro de Columbia - um chefe - e duro e brilhante como uma coronha de arma. Esse cara e ruivo, com longas costeletas vermelhas, e um emaranhado de cachos saindo por baixo do bone, esta precisando de dar um corte no cabelo ha muito tempo, e e tao robusto quanto papai era alto, queixo, ombros e peitos largos, um largo sorriso diabolico, muito branco e e duro de uma maneira diferente do que papai era, mais ou menos do jeito que uma bola de beisebol e dura sob o couro gasto. Uma cicatriz lhe atravessa o nariz e uma das macas do rosto, o luga em que alguem o acertou numa briga, e os pontos ainda estao no corte. Ele fica de pe ali, esperando, e, quando ninguem toma a iniciativa de lhe responder alguma coisa, comeca a rir. Ninguem e capaz de dizer exatamente por que ele ri; nao ha nada de engracado acontecendo. Mas nao e da maneira como aquele Relacoes Publicas ri, e um riso livre e alto que sai da sua larga boca e se espalha em ondas cada vez maiores ate ir de encontro as paredes por toda a ala. Nao como aquele riso do gordo Relacoes Publicas . Este som e verdadeiro. Eu me dou conta de repente de que e a primeira gargalhada que ouco ha anos. Ele fica de pe, olhando para nos, balancando-se para tras nas botas , e ri e ri. Cruza os dedos sobre a barriga sem tirar os polegares dos bolsos. Vejo como suas maos sao grandes e grossas. Todo mundo na ala, pacientes, pessoal e o resto, esta pasmo e abobalhado diante dele e da sua risada. Nao ha qualquer movimento para faze-lo parar, nenhuma iniciativa para dizer alguma coisa. Ele entao interrompe a risada, por algum tempo, e vem andando, entrando na enfermaria. Mesmo quando nao esta rindo, aquele ressoar do seu riso paira a sua volta, da mesma maneira com o som paira em torno de um grande sino que acabou de ser tocado - esta em seus olhos, na maneira como sorri, na maneira como fala. [1] - Meu nome e McMurphy, companheiros, R. P. McMurphy, e sou um jogador idiota. - Ele pisca o olho e canta um pedacinho de uma cancao : - .... " e sempre eu ponho ... meu dinheiro ... na mesa " - e ri de novo." humor humorous laughs mental-illness Ken Kesey
32c062a He was not at the moment in very good odour at Bow Street. Such epithets as Blockhead and Blunderer had been used in connection with his last case. 'Jeremiah Stubbs, miss,' said the Runner. 'I am here in the execution of my dooty. bumbling bungler bungling comedic comedy humor humorous-quotes idiot idiotic Georgette Heyer
8c8b061 Them Frenchies!' 'Unchristian, that's what I call 'em,' responded Mr. Stubbs severely. 'I fair compassionate that wench. comedy humor idiocy idiotic idiots moronic Georgette Heyer
e8010e6 "I never indulge commonplace thoughts," said Sir Vincent... "Not, at all events, in relation to the Grand Sophy." humor regency Georgette Heyer
d832885 "What plan of action? What can be done? We can't fight the whole society." "I was thinking we could use you as bait and draw them into a trap," Gregori said, straight-faced. Gary's eyes widened in alarm. "I'm not sure I like that plan. Sounds a little risky to me." He looked at Savannah for support. Gregori shrugged his broad shoulders in a casual shrug. "I do not see a risk." Savannah's small clenched fist thumped his stomach in retaliation. Gregori glanced down at her with surprise. "Is this when I am supposed to say ouch?" Savannah and Gary exchanged a long, mournful groan. "Why did I want him to have a sense of humor?" she wondered. Gary shook his head. "Don't be asking me. You created the monster." gregori-and-savannah humor monster ouch Christine Feehan
60c3c1c Kids. You gotta love them. I adore children. A little salt, a squeeze of lemon--perfect. humor kids storm_front Jim Butcher
a184d2b He has not the faintest idea that I am ugly and we are very happy together. humor Jane Gardam
87ca5b9 I'd made the vampire cry. Great. I felt like a real superhero. Harry Dresden, breaker of monsters' hearts. humor women Jim Butcher
e354d17 Kid,' he laughed 'you're crazier than a shithouse rat in an Indian restaurant but you've got yourself a deal. Vinny! Lace up, you and the KFC are going three rounds. humor David Louden
0e0a46a None of my family is good at being patient. It's why we all become doctors. humor patience Anne McCaffrey
2e469cc I was seeing something I didn't understand and did not want to. No I wasn't. I was seeing something I had always understood and wanted to understand better. growing-up humor Jane Gardam
7f23976 In all this flurry of false scientism, the central question went unaddressed: if the possession of a penis and outsize brain were the distinguishing marks of the lords of creation, why was the world not rules by whales? history humor Rosalind Miles
3279039 "The professor pointed out how he could drop a keel and a propeller into the water, in case he came down at sea, and after cutting the gas bag loose he'd have a seaworthy boat. He had everything on board for survival at sea, including fancy fishing gear, flares and weather balloons for distress signals, and both shortwave radio equipment and a low-frequency system for round-the-world communications. "Boy! This is somethin' right out of Jules Verne...only better, maybe," said Homer. You are right, Mr. Snodgrass," said the professor. "It is ze only way to travel. You don't go so fast, but it beats swimming! Yes? And we have everysing for safety and comfort at sea, if we have to come down. Ze only thing we have to worry about is piranhas. Oh, zey are terrible! Zey will eat everysing in sight!" "Piranhas?" Homer gasped. "I thought they were only found in South American Rivers?" "Oh?" said the professor. "Do ze piranhas know zat, Mr. Snodgrass?" humor jules-verne ocean piranhas Bertrand R. Brinley
d3c62fd "This book is a work of fiction. Actually, it is a work of fiction within a fiction, as the main characters, though real persons in a fictional world, are being depicted in a book which other fictional characters in the same world are reading. Any reference to historical events-- rather, historical events non-Marridonian, and also non-Sesternese-- real people--rather, people in our realm, not the persons I was referring to in the previous line-- or real places--places that are not Marridon, Sesterna, and any place on the Two Continents-- are used fictitiously, because this is a work of fiction, and is a fiction within a fiction, as was previously stated. All names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author's imagination--referring to the ultimate author, not the fictitious author who has written the book within the book-- and any resemblance to actual events, locales, persons, living, dead, or otherwise, is entirely coincidental, but any resemblance to actual persons or places in the Two Continents is intentional. Absolutely no parts of this book, text or art, may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means, whether electronically or mechanically, including photocopying-- "By Myrellenos, are we here in the disclaimer again? This is the third time, I believe. And there are still no cups out. Where is the teapot?" "Here, boss." "Oh, there is tea in this story? I might be more inclined to stay and hear this one. The others were dreadful slow. I must have some tea, if I am going to be made to sit and listen to a whole book. I am not Bartleby, who can sit at his desk and flump over his tomes until he moulders." "He's gonna hear you, boss." "I should say not, Rannig. He is too busy with doing the edits. He found a mistake in one of the other books about us and demanded he perform the editing this time around. The author was very good to let him do as he likes. He is missing tea, however." --audio recording, data retrieval, cloud storage, torrent, or streaming service. If you do decide to ignore this disclaimer and print or share this book illegally, I will have Bartleby come to your house with a sample from the Marridonian legal extracts, and he will read them to you until you promise never to do anything illegal again." humor pirates Michelle Franklin
e3173ee The nine rubies were used afterwards in agriculture. You had only to throw them out into a field if you wanted it plowed. Then the whole surface of the land turned itself over in its anxiety to get rid of something so wicked, and in the morning the field was found to be plowed as thoroughly as any young man at Oxford. drinking fairy-tales humor E. Nesbit
ead5946 At times Valentine wasn't sure whether he kept Matthews about because of his supreme unctuousness or because he had half a suspicion the valet was trying to kill him. humor romance Suzanne Enoch
d2a7afd Maximus coughed a while longer, but in the middle of the night towards the end of the week, they were all woken by a terrible squealing, distant shrieks of terror and fire; in a panic they burst out from the tents to discover Maximus attempting guiltily to sneak unnoticed back into the parade grounds, with as much success as was to be expected in this endeavor, and carrying in his already-bloodied jaws a spare ox. This he hurriedly swallowed down almost entire, on finding himself observed, and then pretended not to know what they were talking about, insisting he had only got up to stretch his legs and settle himself more comfortably. funny humor maximus sneaking Naomi Novik
cf81a39 THE NEXT DAY WAS RAIN-SOAKED and smelled of thick sweet caramel, warm coconut and ginger. A nearby bakery fanned its daily offerings. A lapis lazuli sky was blanketed by gunmetal gray clouds as it wept crocodile tears across the parched Los Angeles landscape. When Ivy was a child and she overheard adults talking about their break-ups, in her young feeble-formed mind, she imagined it in the most literal of essences. She once heard her mother speaking of her break up with an emotionally unavailable man. She said they broke up on 69th Street. Ivy visualized her mother and that man breaking into countless fragments, like a spilled box of jigsaw pieces. And she imagined them shattered in broken shards, being blown down the pavement of 69th Street. For some reason, on the drive home from Marcel's apartment that next morning, all Ivy could think about was her mother and that faceless man in broken pieces, perhaps some aspects of them still stuck in cracks and crevices of the sidewalk, mistaken as grit. She couldn't get the image of Marcel having his seizure out of her mind. It left a burning sensation in the center of her chest. An incessant flame torched her lungs, chest, and even the back door of her tongue. Witnessing someone you cared about experiencing a seizure was one of those things that scribed itself indelibly on the canvas of your mind. It was gut-wrenching. Graphic and out-of-body, it was the stuff that post traumatic stress syndrome was made of. beauty black-authors black-history deity emotion foodies humor inspiration knowledge literary-fiction love meaning new-york poetry prose rebirth scorpios sex stress valentine-s-day wilmington wisdom Brandi L. Bates
b9d68a5 Remember to remember: sometimes your adversary is your biggest asset. Where would David be without Goliath? Jesus without Judas? achievement-attitude adversity bravery courage growth humor inspiration irony life-lessons motivation strength success wisdom Brandi L. Bates
0c0dca4 When she looked at him with those dark eyes, Nassar felt the urge to say something intelligent and deeply impressive. Unfortunately, nothing of the kind came to mind. funny humor romance Ilona Andrews
5c0866e She had only two modes of operation: complete control or complete insanity. humor insanity Ilona Andrews
666e41e Just think of it as a picnic with guns and monsters instead of mosquitoes and ants. Do we have fun or what? fantasy humor Laurence Yep
5e1dbf3 "He smiled - a real smile. Damn. It was easier to deal with him when he was being thoroughly vile. "Look, I'm sorry for being so rude earlier today. Your presence came as something of a shock and I reacted badly." "Oh." Geared for battle, his apology took me utterly by surprise. I gaped. "Aunt Arabella spoke very highly of you," he added, heaping coals of fire on my head. "She was impressed by your work on the Purple Gentian." "Why all this sudden amiability?" I asked suspiciously, crossing my arms across my chest. "Are you always this blunt?" "I'm too tired to be tactful," I said honestly. "Fair enough." Stretching, Colin detached himself from the wall. "Can I make you some hot chocolate as a token of peace? I was just about to have some myself," he added. Suiting action to words, he loped over to the counter beside the sink and checked the level of water in a battered brown plastic electric kettle. Satisfied, he plugged it into the wall, flipping the red switch on the side. I followed him over to the counter, the linen folds of the nightgown trailing after me across the linoleum. "As long as you promise not to slip any arsenic in it." Colin rooted around in a cupboard above the sink for the cocoa tin and held it out to me to sniff. "See? Arsenic free." I leant back against the counter, my elbows behind me on the marble work surface. "I don't think arsenic is supposed to have a smell, is it?" "Damn, foiled again." Colin spooned Cadbury's instant hot chocolate into two mugs, one decorated with large purple flowers, and the other with a quotation that I thought might be Jane Austen, but the author's name was hidden around the other side of the mug. "Look, if it makes you feel better, I promise to do a very bad job hiding your body." "In that case, carry on," I yawned." arsenic colin eloise humor Lauren Willig
29e13a3 Ah, we shall never have a real aristocracy while this plebeian reluctance to live upon a parent or a wife continues the animating spirit of our youth. It strikes at the foot of the feudal system! humor youth Howells William Dean
c8e633f Oops humor mistress-of-the-night Michael Chabon
2f41abb Go Home. Cut your losses. Stay. Go for it. You are a republic of voices tonight. Unfortunately, that republic is Italy. All these voices waving their arms and screaming at one another. humor indecision italy mind Jay McInerney
3f82c21 "All faults or defects, from the slightest misconduct to the most flagitious crime, Pantocyclus attributed to some deviation from perfect Regularity in the bodily figure, caused perhaps (if not congenital) by some collision in a crowd; by neglect to take exercise, or by taking too much of it; or even by a sudden change of temperature, resulting in a shrinkage or expansion in some too susceptible part of the frame. Therefore, concluded that illustrious Philosopher, neither good conduct nor bad conduct is a fit subject, in any sober estimation, for either praise or blame. For why should you praise, for example, the integrity of a Square who faithfully defends the interests of his client, when you ought in reality rather to admire the exact precision of his right angles? Or again, why blame a lying, thievish Isosceles when you ought rather to deplore the incurable inequality of his sides? Theoretically, this doctrine is unquestionable; but it has practical drawbacks. In dealing with an Isosceles, if a rascal pleads that he cannot help stealing because of his unevenness, you reply that for that very reason, because he cannot help being a nuisance to his neighbours, you, the Magistrate, cannot help sentencing him to be consumed - and there's an end of the matter. But in little domestic difficulties, where the penalty of consumption, or death, is out of the question, this theory of Configuration sometimes comes in awkwardly; and I must confess that occasionally when one of my own Hexagonal Grandsons pleads as an excuse for his disobedience that a sudden change of the temperature has been too much for his perimeter, and that I ought to lay the blame not on him but on his Configuration, which can only be strengthened by abundance of the choicest sweetmeats, I neither see my way logically to reject, nor practically to accept, his conclusions. For my own part, I find it best to assume that a good sound scolding or castigation has some latent and strengthening influence on my Grandson's Configuration; though I own that I have no grounds for thinking so. At all events I am not alone in my way of extricating myself from this dilemma; for I find that many of the highest Circles, sitting as Judges in law courts, use praise and blame towards Regular and Irregular Figures; and in their homes I know by experience that, when scolding their children, they speak about "right" or "wrong" as vehemently and passionately as if they believed that these names represented real existences, and that a human Figure is really capable of choosing between them." humor logic morality punishment right-and-wrong Edwin A. Abbott
3d3312d "We could call it Herbie. And when she reaches adolescence, and goes boy-crazy, we can say "Herbie Goes Bananas" to each other over and over again, as you build the doorless turret we can lock her in." humor thoughtfulness weirdness Moran Caitlin
caddcd6 "Do you think people can be rehabilitated and forgiven?" "Sure! Look at Ollie North." "Well, he lost that Senate race. He was not sufficiently forgiven." "But he got some votes," Jan insisted. humor lorrie-moore Lorrie Moore (Author)
57d59ae El alma es cosa tan impalpable, tan inutil a menudo, y en ocasiones tan molesta, que, al perderla, no senti mas que una emocion algo menor que si se me hubiera extraviado, yendo de paseo, una tarjeta de visita. humor poesía Charles Baudelaire
6cc6f77 Un hombre espantoso entra y se mira al espejo. <>. El hombre espantoso me contesta: <>. fealdad hombre humor poesía Charles Baudelaire
859c4b7 Tenemos putrefactores, plagas y oxidos capaces de atacar su alfabeto. Estos son la leche. Tenemos un producto quimico para encoger sus cabanas que penetra las fibras del bambu provocando que las chozas asfixien a sus ocupantes. Esto funciona solo despues de las diez de la noche, cuando la gente duerme. Sus matematicas estan a merced de un supurante numero sordo que hemos inventado. Tenemos una familia de peces entrenados para atacar a sus peces.Tenemos el mortal telegrama destructor de testiculos. Las companias de telecomunicaciones estan colaborando con el proyecto. Tenemos una sustancia verde que, bueno, mejor no hablo de esto. humor war Donald Barthelme
ce7cb99 Becoming a woman felt a bit like becoming famous. For, from being benevolently generally ignored - the base-line existence of most children - a teenage girl is suddenly fascinating to others, and gets bombarded with questions: What size are you? Have you done it yet? Will you have sex with me? Have you got ID? Do you want to try a puff of this? Are you seeing anyone? Have you got protection? What's your signature style? Can you walk in heels? Who are your heroes? Are you getting a Brazilian? What porn do you like? Do you want to get married? When are you going to have kids? Are you a feminist? Were you just flirting with that man? What do you want to do? WHO ARE YOU? All ridiculous questions to ask of a 13-year-old simply because she now needs a bra. They might as well have been asking my dog. I had absolutely no idea. humor women Caitlin Moran
9b1603e "It's only when you stop to think about it. I don't stop. - From "Morning" humor introspection motion reflection Donald Barthelme
b1083b5 "Deceivingly, Miss Neville, the word vodka means 'little water.' The Russians are masters of the understatement." - Lord Nash" humor romance Liz Carlyle
c9b0d60 "Plans?" he snorted. "I'm ninety-three years old! Who in tarnation makes plans at my age? I could stop breathin' any minute now." humor Linda Howard
5b1ea60 "Thanks to Dashiell Hammett. "He was thin, walked with a stick, and was the only private dick I knew who used the pockets of his sport coat. Maybe that means something, maybe not." Ramone Ramone, 2013" fiction humor mystery Thomas deKooning
1501bd2 "The witch turned this way and that, "I think I've kept my figure, don't you?" she asked Mewster. "Who else would want it?" "Don't be snarky." She batted her eyelashes at her reflection. "I do believe I have my mother's eyes." "Maybe it's time you give them back. Your mother's bee dead since the reign of Oleg the Incontinent." humor witch Gregory Maguire
6d19853 The Devil waited until he was sure the two policemen were going to keep their side of the bargain. A man called Nietzsche once observed that there is no such thing as moral phenomena, only a moral *interpretation* of them. The Devil had a certain amount of time for Nietzsche. despite the mustache. He'd understood. We look at a squirrel and say it is jumping; but we might as well think about a jump in its essence, and claim that the *jump* is *squirreling*. We do bad things, in other words, but the bad things also do *us*. This is almost never a successful defence in a court of law, but it's true. humor Michael Marshall Smith
5bf7831 "You can't walk me to school," Tommy said. He came into the kitchen, sat down before his plate, and stared at it, waiting for Sammy to pile it with eggs. "Mom, you can't possibly. I would die. I would absolutely die." "He would die," Sammy told Rosa. "Which would be very embarrassing for me," Rosa said. "Standing there next to a dead body in front of William Floyd Junior High." humor Michael Chabon
cd41297 Put some clothes on, you weird, yellow-eyed, table-dancing, werewolf-training, cryptic, stare-me-right-in-the-eyes-and-don't-even-blink wench. humor women Jim Butcher
1387c52 "It seems that being a woman is very expensive and time-consuming. My innocence about this is incongruous, given my age, but total. I come from grunge, and then Britpop--scenes where you boast about how little you spend on an outfit ("Three quid! From a jumble sale!" "Ooooh, pricey--I found this jacket in a Dumpster. On a dead man. Under a fox carcass"), and taking pride in "getting ready to go out" consists of little more than washing your face, putting on your Doc Martens/snaeakers, and applying black Barry M nail polish, PS1, on the bus into town." feminism humor Caitlin Moran
fc5906a Crud. What was she supposed to do? Protect herself or the pretzels? dilemmas humor pretzels Stephanie Rowe
e63fb39 Your key hobbies need to be long country walks (get some fresh air in those lungs!), masturbation, and the revolution. Between those three, you should, in the long term, stay relatively sane. feminism humor Caitlin Moran
ec4a84e The problem with memorizing scripture was that it rose up to prod her conscience at the most inconvenient times. Nothing like having Jesus call her a hypocrite to slap down her indignation over Logan's infractions. bible-reading humor Karen Witemeyer
0e384eb A little eccentricity is a help to a general. It helps with the newspapers. The women love it too. Southern women like their men religious and a little mad. That's why the fall in love with preachers. humor love religion southern-women Michael Shaara
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