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Link Quote Stars Tags Author
0f3c2e0 The skin around the assistant director's eyes stretches. humor Anthony Doerr
0eba18f England resembles a ship in its shape' wrote Ralph Waldo Emerson in English Traits. He was wrong... England, of course, resembles a pig, with something on its back. Look at it. It is a hurrying pig; its snout is the south-west in Wales, and its reaching trotters are Cornwall, and its rump is East Anglia. The whole of Britain looks like a witch riding on a pig, and these contours - rump and snout and bonnet, and the scowling face of Western Scotland - were my route. geography humor travel Paul Theroux
0e384eb A little eccentricity is a help to a general. It helps with the newspapers. The women love it too. Southern women like their men religious and a little mad. That's why the fall in love with preachers. humor love religion southern-women Michael Shaara
0e0a46a None of my family is good at being patient. It's why we all become doctors. humor patience Anne McCaffrey
c1777bd "It started at one thirty on a cold Tuesday morning in January when Martin Turner, Street performer and, in his own words, apprentice gigolo, tripped over a body in front of the West Portico of St. Paul's at Covent Garden. Martin, who was none too sober himself, at first thought the body was that of one of the many celebrants who had chosen the Piazza as a convenient outdoor toilet and dormitory. Being a seasoned Londoner, Martin gave the body the "London once-over" - a quick glance to determine whether this was a drunk, a crazy or a human being in distress. The fact that it was entirely possible for someone to be all three simultaneously is why good-Samaritanism in London is considered an extreme sport - like BASE jumping or crocodile wrestling. Martin, noting the good quality coat and shoes, had just pegged the body as a drunk when he noticed that it was in fact missing its head." humor Ben Aaronovitch
bfd58d2 "Alecto... what do you think would happen if people found out about you? Your abilities, your life, Mearth's super 8 films, those powers of yours... how would they react?" "I don't know," said Alecto, "but ordinary people like a show, especially when it's a disturbing one. They enjoy seeing misery... probably because it allows them to pretend that they themselves are not so miserable, too. Also, they would probably find out about you, how you know about Personifications, how you saw the films... they would put us in cages and throw peanuts at us, I guess." "All joking aside, Alecto...." "Who is joking, Mandy Valems?" film humor joke misery ordinary peanuts powers psychokinesis psychokinetic pyrokinesis pyrokinetic show super-8 super-8-film super-eight telekinesis throw Rebecca McNutt
0c391ed "You can take him, right?" he asks a couple minutes later. humor Rodman Philbrick
bae5df5 Bloody clothing is often a clue that something has gone awry. humor Libba Bray
b9d68a5 Remember to remember: sometimes your adversary is your biggest asset. Where would David be without Goliath? Jesus without Judas? achievement-attitude adversity bravery courage growth humor inspiration irony life-lessons motivation strength success wisdom Brandi L. Bates
89b82ae Go didn't like grilled cheese; she was scooping peanut butter out of the jar onto saltines. When a commercial break came on, she paused and said, 'If I had a dick, I would fuck this peanut butter.' deliberately spraying cracker bits toward me. 'I think if you had a dick, all sorts of bad things would happen. gillian-flynn humor twins Gillian Flynn
1f714e1 By this point I was eager to emulate Guleed and merge unobtrusively with the imitation French farmhouse fittet cupboard and counter unit behind me. humor Ben Aaronovitch
c8e633f Oops humor mistress-of-the-night Michael Chabon
930002a "Sit yourself down," Joan instructed as we reached the the fag-fogged, gin-scented den that was nominally her sitting room." -- humor julian-barnes the-only-story Julian Barnes
e415478 You're like crabgrass! Every time I turn around, you're on another part of the lawn! humor Gordon Korman
7b88172 Ukridge was the sort of man who asks you to dinner, borrows money from you to pay the bill, and winds up the evening by embroiling you in a fight with a cabman. humor udridge P.G. Wodehouse
1321992 "Ci siamo trovati tutti coinvolti in una discussione sul genere di software che progetterebbero i cani, se potessero farlo. Secondo Marty, si tratterebbe di programmi per delimitare il territorio, con simulatori di pipi e interfacce lappabili. Antonella ha tirato fuori l'idea di un OssoFinder. Ad Harold e venuta in mente una cuccia fatta col CAD, tutto altamente cartone animato/sensoriale, con un sacco di elementi visuali. Poi naturalmente e saltata fuori la questione felina del catware. Antonella ha suggerito un programma di segreteria personale in grado di dire al mondo: "No, non voglio essere coccolato. E per favore, controlla tutte le telefonate prima di passarmele". Io ho suggerito un programma che dorme tutto il tempo" humor Douglas Coupland
e7b4f09 Over and over again, Harriet read the story about Lazarus in the Bible, but it refused to address even the most basic questions. What had Lazarus to say to Jesus and his sisters about his week in the grave? Did he still smell? Was he able to go back home and carry on living with his sisters, or was he frightening to the people around him and perhaps had to go off somewhere and live by himself like Frankenstein's monster? She could not help thinking that if she, Harriet, had been there, she would have had more to say on the subject than Saint Luke did. humor resurrection Donna Tartt
1387c52 "It seems that being a woman is very expensive and time-consuming. My innocence about this is incongruous, given my age, but total. I come from grunge, and then Britpop--scenes where you boast about how little you spend on an outfit ("Three quid! From a jumble sale!" "Ooooh, pricey--I found this jacket in a Dumpster. On a dead man. Under a fox carcass"), and taking pride in "getting ready to go out" consists of little more than washing your face, putting on your Doc Martens/snaeakers, and applying black Barry M nail polish, PS1, on the bus into town." feminism humor Caitlin Moran
f950be7 (Sam) Rafe grinned. humor rafe sam Kelley Armstrong
e8010e6 "I never indulge commonplace thoughts," said Sir Vincent... "Not, at all events, in relation to the Grand Sophy." humor regency Georgette Heyer
3abd390 However, I suppose VH1 *is* selling me something; they're selling nostalgia, which means they're selling my own memories back to me, which means they're selling me to me. humor nostalgia Chuck Klosterman
c9b0d60 "Plans?" he snorted. "I'm ninety-three years old! Who in tarnation makes plans at my age? I could stop breathin' any minute now." humor Linda Howard
8d0133d Imaginad el cuadro: seria vuestra merced tan amable de venir a la luz y destocarse, caballero, gracias, veo que sois el mas rubio, permitid que os introduzca una cuarta de acero toledano en los higadillos. humor Arturo Pérez-Reverte
38295de "Falderson," he said quietly to Bahzell in passable Navahkan, "is as stupid as the day is long." He craned his neck to gaze up at the hradani and shook his head. "In fact, he's even stupider than I thought. You, sir, are the biggest damned hradani-no offense-I think I've ever seen." day dumb hradani humor humours large long stupid stupidity tall David Weber
d6c5638 His friend laughed. 'You missed your calling, Freddie,' he said. 'You should have been one of the aforementioned clergy. Is this what marriage does to you? One shudders at the very idea. cynicism dancing-with-clara dialogue humor marriage mary-balogh regency regency-romance romance witty-banter Mary Balogh
caddcd6 "Do you think people can be rehabilitated and forgiven?" "Sure! Look at Ollie North." "Well, he lost that Senate race. He was not sufficiently forgiven." "But he got some votes," Jan insisted. humor lorrie-moore Lorrie Moore (Author)
81de097 Dess took a deep breath, feeling a rush of relief now that the proclamation had been made. It was sort of like being the first astronomer to spot one of those big dinosaur-extermination-sized asteroids on its way toward Earth. Sure, this was majorly unpleasant news for everyone, including Dess personally, but at least she got to announce it. humor Scott Westerfeld
1501bd2 "The witch turned this way and that, "I think I've kept my figure, don't you?" she asked Mewster. "Who else would want it?" "Don't be snarky." She batted her eyelashes at her reflection. "I do believe I have my mother's eyes." "Maybe it's time you give them back. Your mother's bee dead since the reign of Oleg the Incontinent." humor witch Gregory Maguire
d1a1f70 "Lord Daner isn't my boyfriend," Eleret said, annoyed. She'd let it go by once, but after two mentions, she had to correct him. Karvonen would drive her crazy if he kept referring to Daner that way. "Huh." Karvonen pursed his lips skeptically. "I'll bet it's not because he didn't try." eleret humor humour karvonen Patricia C. Wrede
3fe72fc (...) en cuanto sales de Europa, ya no hay mas que mosquitos. Unos mosquitos verdes, venenosos y pequenos, que se cuelgan por todas partes. Y que dan fiebre, y sueno... y a veces, la locura. Pero no te asustes tu, mi heroe..., tambien hay mosquiteros, y cremas especiales para la piel. Y luego, !la Ciencia! Por cada mosquito que produce Dios, producen una inyeccion los alemanes. humor Alejandro Casona
6a3e392 "It's a note. Let me read it for you. 'Couldn't anyone else see that they were all slaves of Satan? I had to cleanse the world of their evil. I am the hand of God. Why else would security have let me into the building with an assault rifle in my suitcase? I am a divine instrument.'" Tommy paused and looked up. "That's all I have so far, but I'll guess I end it with an apology to my mom. What do you think?" evil humor writing Christopher Moore
122328a "Despite what you think you know, most people don't want to fight, especially when evenly matched. ... That's why you see those young men doing the dance of "don't hold me back" while desperately hoping someone likes them enough to hold them back." humor paranormal-thriller series urban-fantasy Ben Aaronovitch
32c062a He was not at the moment in very good odour at Bow Street. Such epithets as Blockhead and Blunderer had been used in connection with his last case. 'Jeremiah Stubbs, miss,' said the Runner. 'I am here in the execution of my dooty. bumbling bungler bungling comedic comedy humor humorous-quotes idiot idiotic Georgette Heyer
3212530 As Martin noted, to the detectives conducting his interview, it was a good thing he'd been inebriated, because otherwise he would have wasted time screaming and running about - especially once he realized he was standing in a pool of blood. Instead, with the slow methodical patience of the drunk and terrified, Martin Turner dialed 999 and asked for the police. humor Ben Aaronovitch
cf81a39 THE NEXT DAY WAS RAIN-SOAKED and smelled of thick sweet caramel, warm coconut and ginger. A nearby bakery fanned its daily offerings. A lapis lazuli sky was blanketed by gunmetal gray clouds as it wept crocodile tears across the parched Los Angeles landscape. When Ivy was a child and she overheard adults talking about their break-ups, in her young feeble-formed mind, she imagined it in the most literal of essences. She once heard her mother speaking of her break up with an emotionally unavailable man. She said they broke up on 69th Street. Ivy visualized her mother and that man breaking into countless fragments, like a spilled box of jigsaw pieces. And she imagined them shattered in broken shards, being blown down the pavement of 69th Street. For some reason, on the drive home from Marcel's apartment that next morning, all Ivy could think about was her mother and that faceless man in broken pieces, perhaps some aspects of them still stuck in cracks and crevices of the sidewalk, mistaken as grit. She couldn't get the image of Marcel having his seizure out of her mind. It left a burning sensation in the center of her chest. An incessant flame torched her lungs, chest, and even the back door of her tongue. Witnessing someone you cared about experiencing a seizure was one of those things that scribed itself indelibly on the canvas of your mind. It was gut-wrenching. Graphic and out-of-body, it was the stuff that post traumatic stress syndrome was made of. beauty black-authors black-history deity emotion foodies humor inspiration knowledge literary-fiction love meaning new-york poetry prose rebirth scorpios sex stress valentine-s-day wilmington wisdom Brandi L. Bates
b1083b5 "Deceivingly, Miss Neville, the word vodka means 'little water.' The Russians are masters of the understatement." - Lord Nash" humor romance Liz Carlyle
8f87126 "PJ's suggested chant, for pointless protest marches: "Five, four, three, two. We don't have a doggone clue!" humor pointless protest P.J. O'Rourke
ce7cb99 Becoming a woman felt a bit like becoming famous. For, from being benevolently generally ignored - the base-line existence of most children - a teenage girl is suddenly fascinating to others, and gets bombarded with questions: What size are you? Have you done it yet? Will you have sex with me? Have you got ID? Do you want to try a puff of this? Are you seeing anyone? Have you got protection? What's your signature style? Can you walk in heels? Who are your heroes? Are you getting a Brazilian? What porn do you like? Do you want to get married? When are you going to have kids? Are you a feminist? Were you just flirting with that man? What do you want to do? WHO ARE YOU? All ridiculous questions to ask of a 13-year-old simply because she now needs a bra. They might as well have been asking my dog. I had absolutely no idea. humor women Caitlin Moran
1c6d704 "Where in the nine hells did you ever find the notion that I would fight fair?" -Drizzt Do'Urden" humor R.A. Salvatore
79268c8 "Lead the way. Just remember that I'm not a very good climber." "Not very good?" Beetledown laughed. "Like a dog with one leg, to put truth to it." humor physicality Tad Williams
1ebaa7f Tally really didn't have the strength to explain that she'd really meant her hangover, which was sprawled in her head like an overweight cat, sullen and squishy and disinclined to budge. distopia hangover humor humorous scott-westerfeld tally-youngblood Scott Westerfeld
2e469cc I was seeing something I didn't understand and did not want to. No I wasn't. I was seeing something I had always understood and wanted to understand better. growing-up humor Jane Gardam
918722d "What do you call the weak point?" He paused. "The fact that the average American looks down on his wife." humor marriage relationships undine-spragg weak-point Edith Wharton
87ca5b9 I'd made the vampire cry. Great. I felt like a real superhero. Harry Dresden, breaker of monsters' hearts. humor women Jim Butcher
1d1fe55 Fuck me,' I said out loud, 'I'm in fairyland. humor peter-grant Ben Aaronovitch
ead5946 At times Valentine wasn't sure whether he kept Matthews about because of his supreme unctuousness or because he had half a suspicion the valet was trying to kill him. humor romance Suzanne Enoch
e6002c9 Niemand hat je gesagt, dass das Universum normal ist. humor Dan Simmons
94cd7d9 To begin with, the room was not large enough for two. It looked out on a small courtyard. 'Looked out' means only that the room had two windows, against which the courtyard malevolently pressed, encroaching day by day, as though it had confused itself with a jungle. giovanni-s-room humor james-baldwin James Baldwin
7dce9ed Bacon is the meth of meats. humor meat Lisa Scottoline
2c9f187 Whatever happened, he wasn't just Mason anymore. He was Mason and something else. Like God's older brother, who takes God's money, steals his car, and fucks his girlfriend. That's Mason now. A guy who isn't afraid to pants God... humor Richard Kadrey
92c4409 "... I wonder why she hasn't spread the tale." "The only reason she would not is if she is ill or the story would somehow reflect badly on herself," replied Lady Badgery. "Otherwise, Portia Troutbridge has never been known to keep a scandal to herself." "Oh, I do hope she is ill!" exclaimed Truthful. "I mean, only just ill enough to keep the news quiet for a little longer. Is that too dreadful of me?" "Not at all," announced Lady Badgery. "It is a very reasonable desire. In the case of Portia Troutbridge I myself would wish for something much more severe. Scarlet fever, perhaps. Or the plague." humor tattling tittle-tattle Garth Nix
df9d675 "Unluckier still was Guillaume Le Gentil, whose experiences are wonderfully summarized by Timothy Ferris in Coming of Age in the Milky Way . Le Gentil set off from France a year ahead of time to observe the transit (of Venus) from India, but various setbacks left him still at sea on the day of the transit--just about the worst place to be since steady measurements were impossible on a pitching ship. humor resilience Bill Bryson
97d2743 The only thing more pitiful than a middle-aged punk is a white Rastafarian. I did meet one of those once, and he was lonelier than I was. humor people Louis de Bernières
9e778bb For Robert Lee Hodge, it was also a way of life. As the Marlon Brando of battlefield bloating, he was often hired for Civil War movies. humor re-enactment Tony Horwitz
2acdf0b There are just people going about what they always do. Talking. Parking crooked. funny human-nature humor location-3548 parking people Markus Zusak
c996891 "Right." A soft, choked laugh. "Kind of ruins the dramatic effect if I'm storming off in the wrong direction, doesn't it?" humor Kelley Armstrong
cd41297 Put some clothes on, you weird, yellow-eyed, table-dancing, werewolf-training, cryptic, stare-me-right-in-the-eyes-and-don't-even-blink wench. humor women Jim Butcher
ec4a84e The problem with memorizing scripture was that it rose up to prod her conscience at the most inconvenient times. Nothing like having Jesus call her a hypocrite to slap down her indignation over Logan's infractions. bible-reading humor Karen Witemeyer
7f23976 In all this flurry of false scientism, the central question went unaddressed: if the possession of a penis and outsize brain were the distinguishing marks of the lords of creation, why was the world not rules by whales? history humor Rosalind Miles
19d1265 Weightlessness is like heroin, or how I imagine heroin must be. You try it once, and when it's over, all you can think about is how much you want to do it again. But apparently the thrill wears off. funny humor mary-roach sci-fi science space Mary Roach
29a12c4 For an instant Stile was daunted by the improbability of it all: a man, a cyborg, a robot, an animalhead, and a wooden golem, all riding unicorns through a battlefield strewn with goblins and dragons, pursuing an invaluable ball of power-rock that rolled along a channel cleared by plastic explosive. What a mishmash! humor magic science Piers Anthony
d3c62fd "This book is a work of fiction. Actually, it is a work of fiction within a fiction, as the main characters, though real persons in a fictional world, are being depicted in a book which other fictional characters in the same world are reading. Any reference to historical events-- rather, historical events non-Marridonian, and also non-Sesternese-- real people--rather, people in our realm, not the persons I was referring to in the previous line-- or real places--places that are not Marridon, Sesterna, and any place on the Two Continents-- are used fictitiously, because this is a work of fiction, and is a fiction within a fiction, as was previously stated. All names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author's imagination--referring to the ultimate author, not the fictitious author who has written the book within the book-- and any resemblance to actual events, locales, persons, living, dead, or otherwise, is entirely coincidental, but any resemblance to actual persons or places in the Two Continents is intentional. Absolutely no parts of this book, text or art, may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means, whether electronically or mechanically, including photocopying-- "By Myrellenos, are we here in the disclaimer again? This is the third time, I believe. And there are still no cups out. Where is the teapot?" "Here, boss." "Oh, there is tea in this story? I might be more inclined to stay and hear this one. The others were dreadful slow. I must have some tea, if I am going to be made to sit and listen to a whole book. I am not Bartleby, who can sit at his desk and flump over his tomes until he moulders." "He's gonna hear you, boss." "I should say not, Rannig. He is too busy with doing the edits. He found a mistake in one of the other books about us and demanded he perform the editing this time around. The author was very good to let him do as he likes. He is missing tea, however." --audio recording, data retrieval, cloud storage, torrent, or streaming service. If you do decide to ignore this disclaimer and print or share this book illegally, I will have Bartleby come to your house with a sample from the Marridonian legal extracts, and he will read them to you until you promise never to do anything illegal again." humor pirates Michelle Franklin
e3173ee The nine rubies were used afterwards in agriculture. You had only to throw them out into a field if you wanted it plowed. Then the whole surface of the land turned itself over in its anxiety to get rid of something so wicked, and in the morning the field was found to be plowed as thoroughly as any young man at Oxford. drinking fairy-tales humor E. Nesbit
e354d17 Kid,' he laughed 'you're crazier than a shithouse rat in an Indian restaurant but you've got yourself a deal. Vinny! Lace up, you and the KFC are going three rounds. humor David Louden
3d3312d "We could call it Herbie. And when she reaches adolescence, and goes boy-crazy, we can say "Herbie Goes Bananas" to each other over and over again, as you build the doorless turret we can lock her in." humor thoughtfulness weirdness Moran Caitlin
edd90e9 When you live with a woman you learn something every day. So far I have learned that long hair will clog up the shower drain before you can say 'Liquid-Plumr'; humor marriage married-life shower Audrey Niffenegger
d3d2080 Wenn einen das Schicksal nicht zum Lachen bringt, dann hat man den Witz nicht kapiert. humor life Gregory David Roberts
d2a7afd Maximus coughed a while longer, but in the middle of the night towards the end of the week, they were all woken by a terrible squealing, distant shrieks of terror and fire; in a panic they burst out from the tents to discover Maximus attempting guiltily to sneak unnoticed back into the parade grounds, with as much success as was to be expected in this endeavor, and carrying in his already-bloodied jaws a spare ox. This he hurriedly swallowed down almost entire, on finding himself observed, and then pretended not to know what they were talking about, insisting he had only got up to stretch his legs and settle himself more comfortably. funny humor maximus sneaking Naomi Novik
e36be8b "There's no need to say anything to Mr. Turing. I was the one who wasn't watching where I was going" "You were the one?" Mavis said indignantly. "Turing never pays the slightest attention to where he's going. He simply plows through pedestrians" Elspeth nodded. "Someone needs to tell him he must be more careful! He could have injured you!" And I could have injured him, Mike thought. Or killed him. If Turing had lost control of his bicycle and crashed into a lamppost instead of the curb, or into a brick wall... Mavis said, "I've a good mind to tell Cap--" "No. There's no need to tell anybody. I'm Fine. No Harm done. Thank you for picking me up and dusting me off." He picked up his bag, which Mavis had carried in... "Watch out for Turing on your way there," Joan cut in. "And for Dilly," Elspeth said. "He's even worse about not watching where he's going, and he has a car! Whenever he comes to a crossing, he speeds up." "Dilly?" Mike said hoarsely. bad-drivers bletchley-park driving humor ultra wwii Connie Willis
3f82c21 "All faults or defects, from the slightest misconduct to the most flagitious crime, Pantocyclus attributed to some deviation from perfect Regularity in the bodily figure, caused perhaps (if not congenital) by some collision in a crowd; by neglect to take exercise, or by taking too much of it; or even by a sudden change of temperature, resulting in a shrinkage or expansion in some too susceptible part of the frame. Therefore, concluded that illustrious Philosopher, neither good conduct nor bad conduct is a fit subject, in any sober estimation, for either praise or blame. For why should you praise, for example, the integrity of a Square who faithfully defends the interests of his client, when you ought in reality rather to admire the exact precision of his right angles? Or again, why blame a lying, thievish Isosceles when you ought rather to deplore the incurable inequality of his sides? Theoretically, this doctrine is unquestionable; but it has practical drawbacks. In dealing with an Isosceles, if a rascal pleads that he cannot help stealing because of his unevenness, you reply that for that very reason, because he cannot help being a nuisance to his neighbours, you, the Magistrate, cannot help sentencing him to be consumed - and there's an end of the matter. But in little domestic difficulties, where the penalty of consumption, or death, is out of the question, this theory of Configuration sometimes comes in awkwardly; and I must confess that occasionally when one of my own Hexagonal Grandsons pleads as an excuse for his disobedience that a sudden change of the temperature has been too much for his perimeter, and that I ought to lay the blame not on him but on his Configuration, which can only be strengthened by abundance of the choicest sweetmeats, I neither see my way logically to reject, nor practically to accept, his conclusions. For my own part, I find it best to assume that a good sound scolding or castigation has some latent and strengthening influence on my Grandson's Configuration; though I own that I have no grounds for thinking so. At all events I am not alone in my way of extricating myself from this dilemma; for I find that many of the highest Circles, sitting as Judges in law courts, use praise and blame towards Regular and Irregular Figures; and in their homes I know by experience that, when scolding their children, they speak about "right" or "wrong" as vehemently and passionately as if they believed that these names represented real existences, and that a human Figure is really capable of choosing between them." humor logic morality punishment right-and-wrong Edwin A. Abbott
1726bbc So. I see where you're going--bus number 27 to a crossroads near Delphi. Look, I did not want, at any point, on any level, to kill my own father and sleep with my own mother. It's true that I wanted to sleep with Susan--and did so many times--and for a number of years thought of killing Gordon Macleod, but that is another part of the story. Not to put too fine a point on it, I think the Oedipus myth is precisely what it started off as: melodrama rather than psychology. In all my years of life I've never met anyone to whom it might apply. You think I'm being naive? You wish to point out that human motivation is deviously buried, and hides its mysterious workings from those who blindly submit to it? Perhaps so. But even--especially--Oedipus didn't to kill his father and sleep with his mother, did he? Oh yes he did! Oh no he didn't! Yes, let's just leave it as a pantomime exchange. clever humor julian-barnes oedipal oedipus psychology the-only-story Julian Barnes
abfb7ba "...can we pause for a moment to talk about that term, Innovention? A neologism that, in an effort to turbo-charge meaning, takes two perfectly eloquent and unassailable words and by combining them renders both suspect. It is a word developed by a committee, one that can only be spoken unironically if one is being paid to do so, like menus in chain restaurants that list "Snacketizers" and "Appeteasers." Can't you just taste the process-mapping? The neon-orange layer of melted reconstituted-milk-solids-derived "cheese," the pink stratum of animal-protein-cultured "meat"? Vacuum-packed and irradiated and shipped to some franchise that itself was unpackaged from boxes sent directly from corporate, with ready-made walls of homey, weathered fake brick and battered retro license plates. "Innovention" can only leave a similar taste in the mouth. It makes one suspicious, wondering about the ways in which the object in question is found so wanting, so insufficiently innovative or lacking in invention to warrant this linguistic boost." humor innovention David Rakoff
7fcdf4a "Before Ernest could start walking back the cat, Melrose put in, "But isn't it rather we who have come here, Mrs. Attaboy?" At her uncomprehending look, he plowed on. "It is their country." "What? Africa?" "If Africa were a country, the answer would be yes." humor Martha Grimes
78120a5 Many of us would pray not to die in a car crash before we were baptized, like other people pray to not get sick before their employee benefits kick in. fundamentalism humor Nadia Bolz-Weber
9b1603e "It's only when you stop to think about it. I don't stop. - From "Morning" humor introspection motion reflection Donald Barthelme
9b32cc8 Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. It makes people think you're dead. death humor humour loss Christopher Fowler
10c4fd9 "I gave you all!" screeched Lear, waving a palsied claw at Regan. "And you took your bloody time giving it, too, you senile old fuck," said Regan." humor king-lear paraphrased shakespeare Christopher Moore
6cc6f77 Un hombre espantoso entra y se mira al espejo. <>. El hombre espantoso me contesta: <>. fealdad hombre humor poesía Charles Baudelaire
e63fb39 Your key hobbies need to be long country walks (get some fresh air in those lungs!), masturbation, and the revolution. Between those three, you should, in the long term, stay relatively sane. feminism humor Caitlin Moran
fc5906a Crud. What was she supposed to do? Protect herself or the pretzels? dilemmas humor pretzels Stephanie Rowe
e40c584 "This is the sixty-nine," I told him, presenting the magazine in front of him. I put my fingers--two of them --on the action, so that he would not overlook it. "Why is it dubbed sixty-nine?" he asked, because he is a person hot on fire with curiosity. "It was invented in 1969. My friend Gregory knows a friend of the nephew of the inventor." "What did people do before 1969?" "Merely blowjobs and masticating box, but never in chorus." He will be made a VIP if I have a thing to do with it. This is where the story begins. But first I am burdened to recite my good appearance. I am unequivocally tall. I do not know any women who are taller than me. The women I know who are taller than me are lesbians, for whom 1969 was a very momentous year." everything-is-illuminated humor Jonathan Safran Foer
8eadc19 "The Hollywooden heads would buy a car for almost any purpose except a worthy one. Many automobiles were purchased to attract members of LA's eight or ten opposite sexes. Since the denizens of America's Gomorrah, were incapable of verbalizing any idea more complex than "box office gross," the expensive car served as a substitute for witty come-on and seductive chat." hollywood humor los-angeles sex P.J. O'Rourke
827a153 Reach down inside yourself, Peabody, and get a grip on reality, however slippery. humor J.D. Robb
8d560a7 A lot of who you were in middle age was determined before you had a chance to manipulate, control, or eve understand the things around you. It was no mystery, he thought, why some old people's minds returned to their youth; the wonder of those years, the discoveries, the first experience with the dirty secret of death, and the first stirrings of lust and love were indelible, drawn in luminous colors on clean canvas. Indeed, the first sex act was so mind-boggling that most people could still remember it clearly twenty, thirty, sixty years later. humor inspirational life love lust old romance science sex wisdom Nelson DeMille
6d19853 The Devil waited until he was sure the two policemen were going to keep their side of the bargain. A man called Nietzsche once observed that there is no such thing as moral phenomena, only a moral *interpretation* of them. The Devil had a certain amount of time for Nietzsche. despite the mustache. He'd understood. We look at a squirrel and say it is jumping; but we might as well think about a jump in its essence, and claim that the *jump* is *squirreling*. We do bad things, in other words, but the bad things also do *us*. This is almost never a successful defence in a court of law, but it's true. humor Michael Marshall Smith
d8f7e6a Only in Xanth would parents see a dragon looming over their children and depart with confidence. humor Piers Anthony
dbe5231 "These poor souls. These poor pathetic souls." The Emperor gestured toward the passersby. "I don't understand," Tommy said. "Their time has passed and they don't know what to do. They were told what they wanted and they believed it. They can only keep their dream alive by being with others like themselves who will mirror their illusions." "They have really nice shoes," Tommy said. "They have to look right or their peers will turn on them like starving dogs. They are the fallen gods. The new gods are producers, creators, doers. The new gods are the chinless techno-children who would rather eat white sugar and watch science-fiction films than worry about what shoes they wear. And these poor souls desperately push papers around hoping that a mystical message will appear to save them from the new, awkward, brilliant gods and their silicon-chip reality. Some of them will survive, of course, but most will fall. Uncreative thinking is done better by machines. Poor souls, you can almost hear them sweating." emperor-of-san-francisco happiness humor metaphor reality shoes Christopher Moore
88992c5 I gave you three proofs of witchcraft. A cat that drinks blood! A horse that talks! And a man who propagates POODLES! historical humor satire witchcraft Richard Curtis
859c4b7 Tenemos putrefactores, plagas y oxidos capaces de atacar su alfabeto. Estos son la leche. Tenemos un producto quimico para encoger sus cabanas que penetra las fibras del bambu provocando que las chozas asfixien a sus ocupantes. Esto funciona solo despues de las diez de la noche, cuando la gente duerme. Sus matematicas estan a merced de un supurante numero sordo que hemos inventado. Tenemos una familia de peces entrenados para atacar a sus peces.Tenemos el mortal telegrama destructor de testiculos. Las companias de telecomunicaciones estan colaborando con el proyecto. Tenemos una sustancia verde que, bueno, mejor no hablo de esto. humor war Donald Barthelme
d9f05c1 The logic underlying the truism that one should always travel on a plane with a book is also precisely why bed-and-breakfast culture is to be avoided if at all possible. Namely, you might have to talk to someone. humor travel David Rakoff
8cb309a I once read a short story about some cannibals who didn't turn their victims into steaks and chops and roasts; they made them all into sausages. Because when you're eating a sausage you don't think so much about what you're eating. It's the same with communion wafers. .......... My point is, the miracle of the Holy Communion is when the priest turns these little white disks into the flesh of Jesus Christ. They call it transubstantiation. So, if you buy that, then the host the priest places on your tongue is actually a silver of Jesus meat. But they make the host as different from meat as they can, so even though communion is a form of cannibalism, nobody gets grossed out. Like with the sausages. god humor religion transubstantiation Pete Hautman
6b2e539 Or there's peer tutoring. Oh my god. I'm tutoring the cutest little second grader right now. I totally taught her how to stay within the lines with her eyeshadow. humor tutoring Meg Cabot
f205284 Dad lost his job. Then he got a new job. Then he got his old job back and went back to it. They were all in the same building. humor losing-jobs Aimee Bender
f7df2df There is something about a man with a beard I cannot stand. No particular reason for it. Prejudice, I suppose. I feel the same way about cats. arrogant beards cats distrust egotistical humor pomposity pompous Charles Willeford
d832885 "What plan of action? What can be done? We can't fight the whole society." "I was thinking we could use you as bait and draw them into a trap," Gregori said, straight-faced. Gary's eyes widened in alarm. "I'm not sure I like that plan. Sounds a little risky to me." He looked at Savannah for support. Gregori shrugged his broad shoulders in a casual shrug. "I do not see a risk." Savannah's small clenched fist thumped his stomach in retaliation. Gregori glanced down at her with surprise. "Is this when I am supposed to say ouch?" Savannah and Gary exchanged a long, mournful groan. "Why did I want him to have a sense of humor?" she wondered. Gary shook his head. "Don't be asking me. You created the monster." gregori-and-savannah humor monster ouch Christine Feehan
75e4779 In tutta sincerita, mi sforzo di prendere la faccenda allegramente, anche se, a dispetto delle mie proteste, la maggior parte delle persone trova difficile credermi. Per favore, fidati di me. Posso davvero essere allegra. Posso essere amabile. Affettuosa. Affabile. E queste sono solo le parole che cominciano per A. Non chiedermi pero di essere bella: essere bella non e da me. death humor inspirational Markus Zusak
fd16506 "I believe in the unity of all living things. God is in us and in all that exists." "So, when you eat a carrot, aren't you eating God?" god humor left-behind ryan Jerry B. Jenkins
d828aa8 "He stepped back, cursing. "Hey, haven't you heard of the First Amendment? You jerk!" The security guard, still gunning like a mad scientist, said over the loudspeaker, "Sure, you little shit, and Prince Charles is a Tampax" humor Catherine Coulter
8c8b061 Them Frenchies!' 'Unchristian, that's what I call 'em,' responded Mr. Stubbs severely. 'I fair compassionate that wench. comedy humor idiocy idiotic idiots moronic Georgette Heyer
87f8f52 Yes, and had your hotel proved slightly less psychotic, matters would never have got as far out of hand as they have. humor Richard K. Morgan
dd1491d Objection! This defendant, evil genius that he is, has through his abhorrent actions managed to racially discriminate against every race all at the same time, to say nothing of his unabashed slaveholding. The state of California feels that it has more than enough evidence to prove that the defendant is in abject violation of the Civil Rights Acts of 1866, 1871, 1957, 1964 and 1968, the Equal Rights Act of 1963, the Thirteenth and Fourteenth Amendments, and at least six of the goddamn Ten Commandments. courtroom history humor law Paul Beatty
4291af3 "Or, as Nikolas had said, in tones of admiration, "She can tell you to go to hell in a way that will send you running off to pack your bags." girl-power humor Mercedes Lackey
9157683 Every couple of months or so, some boundary breaking article comes out in a nationally published magazine. The article makes a big thesis statement about relationships. Like say how, women don't need men anymore, or how if you're a woman over thirty-five, you should just settle with whatever guy is half-way nice to you, or how monogamy is not feasible, or plausible, or enjoyable, for any human. And we should all be swingers, or a study is released that say's, you don't have to love your kids anymore or something. They're the kind of articles that are e-mailed everywhere and I get them forwarded to me about eight times. I will read one of these articles and immediately afterward I'm so swept up in it, I can't help but think Yes, Yes, that is one-hundred percent right. Finally! Someone has confirmed that little voice in the back of my mind that has always not loved my kids, or I'm so happy I'm that much closer to my swinging lifestyle I've always secretly been craving. I'm normal and now it's a national discussion and others agree and I can feel normal now. But then, a week later I'm thinking, I hate this. I feel awful. This wretched little magazine article has helped convinced more open minded liberal arts graduates that, the nuclear family doesn't exist without some hideous twist, like the dad is allowed to go to an S & M dungeon once a week or something. It makes me cry because it means that fewer and fewer people are believing it's cool to want what I want, which is to be married and have kids and love each other in a monogamous, long-lasting relationship. honesty-quotes humor lifestyle mindy-kaling values Mindy Kaling
720acb7 "But when she was annoyed with me, she had a cold way of saying "Apparently" in answer to almost anything I said, making me feel stupid. "Um, I can't find the can opener." "Apparently." "There's going to be a lunar eclipse tonight." "Apparently." "Look, sparks are coming out of the wall socket." "Apparently." humor humour Donna Tartt
d86450d ...I was startled out of my concentration by the sound of malicious hissing. Waddling toward me with remarkable speed were two huge white geese, their heads thrust forward, mouths open like snakes with their tongues protruding, emitting a terrifying sound. I gave a low involuntary cry and began to backtrack toward my car, afraid to take my eyes off them. They covered the ground between us at a pace that forced me into a run. I barely reached my car before they caught up with me. I wrenched the door open and slammed it again with a panic I hadn't felt in years. I locked both doors, half expecting the viperous birds to batter at my windows until they gave way. For a moment they balanced, half lifted, wings flapping, black eyes bright with ill-will, their hissing faces even with mine. And then they lost interest and waddled off, honking and hissing, pecking savagely at the grass. Until that moment, it had never even occurred to me to include crazed geese among my fears, but they had suddenly shot straight to the top of the list along with worms and water bugs. humor Sue Grafton
913950b El pecado de Onan. Derramar en el suelo la vieja semilla. Atar el camello. Quitarle el polvo al burro. Azotar al fariseo. Onanismo, el pecado que requiere de cientos de horas de practica para ser dominado, o al menos eso era lo que yo me decia a mi mismo. Dios mato a Onan por derramar su semilla en el suelo (la semilla de Onan, no la de Dios). humor jesus-christ messiah Christopher Moore
910b4f9 "Tiddlywinks, tiddlywinks, I want to play tiddlywinks," chanted Ramona, shaking her head back and forth." childhood children humor playtime ramona Beverly Cleary
7f97610 - ?Siempre es usted asi? - ?Como es asi? - sonrio Falco. - Tan engreido. Tan seguro de si mismo. Tan de todo. - Va por dias. - ?Y hoy es uno de esos dias? La miro con cara de buen chico. Directo a los ojos. - Depende de usted. humor Arturo Pérez-Reverte
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