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d42cb39 (...) solo el perro o el caballo podrian emitir un juicio de conjunto sobre el hombre y declarar que el hombre es asombroso, lo que ellos no se preocupan de hacer, por lo menos que yo sepa. Pero no se puede admitir que un hombre pueda formular un juicio sobre el hombre. humanismo humor Jean-Paul Sartre
c0964de "Yeah," Chris said. "I lose a couple limbs getting drunk and falling into harvesting combine, I'm an idiot. I lose the same limbs because I happened to be standing next to the right door when the ship was damaged, I'm a hero." humor sarcasm James S.A. Corey
c1933bf The gilded confines of the Beauty Hall were not my preferred habitat; like the chicken that had laid the eggs for my sandwich, I was more of a free-range creature. eggs eleanor-oliphant funny gail-honeyman humor sandwich Gail Honeyman
45a82bb New Rule: Gun-control people have to stop pressuring Starbucks to ban guns. I want my gun nuts overcaffeinated, twitchy, and accident-prone. That way, the problem will take care of itself. Plus, if just one gun nut kills just one pseudo-intellectual writing a screenplay-slash-graphic-novel on his iPad, natural selection is doing its job. coffee gun-control guns humor Bill Maher
77258d9 "I knew this would happen," Marla says. "You're such a flake. You love me. You ignore me. You save my life, then you cook my mother into soap." humor love pages-159-160 soap Chuck Palahniuk
7719a80 "I notice you didn't include a blade with your new attire," Royce said. "Not even a little jeweled dagger." "Lords no." Albert looked appalled. "I don't fight." "I thought all nobles learned sword fighting." Royce looked to Hadrian. "I thought so too." "Nobles with competent fathers perhaps. I spent my formative years at my aunt's at Huffington Manor. She held a daily salon, where a dozen noble ladies came to discuss all manner of philosophical topics, like how much they hated their husbands. I've never actually held a sword, but I can tie a mean corset and apply face paint like a gold-coin whore." fighting humor noble stereotypes Michael J. Sullivan
02ae95f The chip that functions abnormally will be desoldered, as they say. androids chip computer computers hammer humor nail robots soldering Charles Stross
d314045 Society never made the preposterous demand that a man should think as much about his own qualifications for making a charming girl happy as he thinks of hers for making himself happy. As if a man could choose not only his wife but his wife's husband! humor social-norms George Eliot
b6db25a New Rule: Churches have to stop ringing the damn bells. It was a good idea in the Middle Ages, but people have clocks now. It's not like you're doing us all a favor by keeping the hunchbacks off the street. Make up your mind, are you a house of worship or an ice cream truck? humor Bill Maher
4b34086 In order not to make a liar out of Henry or Katherine, one or the other, the committee men think up circumstances in which the match may have been partly consummated, or somewhat consummated, and to do this they have to imagine every disaster and shame that can occur between a man and a woman alone in a room in the dark. henry-viii humor sex Hilary Mantel
4c0e72c "For your penance, say two Hail Marys, three our Fathers, and," he added, with a chuckle, "say a special prayer for the Dodgers." humor Doris Kearns Goodwin
7429113 I like to smile at the men who look mean so they know I believe in their better selves. That makes a difference in the world. This is how you might be able to reform a possible rapist without ever going to psychology school. humor make-a-difference psychology smiling Aimee Bender
9ee1436 [On writing Jeeves and Wooster stories]: You tell yourself that you can take Jeeves stories or leave them alone, that one more can't possibly hurt you, because you know you can pull up whenever you feel like it, but it is merely wish-full thinking. The craving has gripped you and there is no resisting it. You have passed the point of no return. humor humour jeeves P.G. Wodehouse
6b567ac Servants ran to wake the young king, Tamar, already awake and watching from his balcony. Curious, naturally. Not altogether pleased. No more than anyone would be, jolted out of a sound sleep by unexpected elephants. humor Lloyd Alexander
6398ec9 I put my hand down below the table to check my zipper. You have to stand before a jury only once with your fly open and it will never happen again humor zipper Michael Connelly
9f86c82 "They served "Good Food" but only a G, an O and a D were lit up. Personally, I doubted God dined there. Unless God was keen on samonella poisoning and rat droppings in the hamburgers. But then again, what did I know?" food god hamburgers humor Julie Kenner
fb34685 The big kid hasn't said anything yet. 'I do like hearing myself talk,' I say, 'only because I have a lot of neat things to say, but eventually the conversation will run out in, like, four or five years, and then where will we be?' Wonder of all wonders, he cracks a little smile. I don't blame him. I am pretty funny. humor little-guys m-m-romance start-of-something-amazing T.J. Klune
a02297e "Cars like that shouldn't be left in storage. It causes mechanical issues. With brakes and tires and engines and such." My smile returned. "You have no idea what you're talking about, do you?" "Not a word." gabriel humor mechanical-issues olivia Kelley Armstrong
0f7dc44 "Chubi, rhymes with booby, which you don't have, or doodie, which your face looks like," she said smugly, leaning back and making her chair squeak." humor insults-and-slander memorable Kim Harrison
f747745 That's so typical. You won't steal a baby, but you're too lazy to conjugate. grammar humor Jim Butcher
a181757 If I don't keep this job, then my only future career-options are working in Argos, or being a prostitute,' I say, wildly. 'Maybe you could work in Argos a prostitute,' my mother says, merrily. She appears to be enjoying this conversation. 'They could list you in the catalogue, and people could queue up, and wait for you to come down the conveyor belt. humor humour Caitlin Moran
f6f69a9 A man walked across the moors from Razorback to Lancre town without seeing a single marshlight, head-less dog, strolling tree, ghostly coach or comet, and had to be taken in by a tavern and given a drink to unsteady his nerves. humor magic Terry Pratchett
ca169f9 I had never known any man to die while speaking in terza-rima hemingway humor poets terza-rima Ernest Hemingway
f6c5def "Eyes on hers, he flicked her shoulder. Her mouth fell open. She started stomping the floor. "What in God's name are you doing?" he demanded. "Trying to kill the giant tarantula, because the only reason I can figure you just fucking flicked me is because there was a big, fat spider on my shoulder." humor J.D. Robb
ca1a2d5 He fell into step beside me and we both got into the -- he got in the red door. I got in the white one, and we peered out over the grey hood[...] humor Jim Butcher
90b3a60 "When the corpses of [Sir John] Franklin's officers and crew were later discovered, miles from their ships, the men were found to have left behind their guns but to have lugged such essentials as monogrammed silver cutlery, a backgammon board, a cigar case, a clothes brush, a tin of button polish, and a copy of "The Vicar of Wakefield." These men may have been incompetent bunglers, but, by God, they were gentlemen." -- humor Anne Fadiman
9edaa80 Rowl felt sure that Bridget's fragile feelings would be crushed if he denied her the pleasure of sharing her meat with him. humor Jim Butcher
165e0fb "The abbot cleared his throat. "You are all very stupid people," he told them graciously, "and you do not know anything at all." humor Neil Gaiman
8f12921 His ears caught a sweet chiming noise, and a moment later a warm rush fell over his body. How we doing Rhage? Too hot? Butch's voice. Up close. The cop was in the shower with him. And he smelled Turkish tobacco. V must be in the bathroom too. Hollywood? This too hot for you? No. He reached around for the soap, fumbling. Can't see. Just as well. No reason for you to know what we look naked together. Frankly, I'm traumatized enough for the both of us. Rhage smiled a little as a washcloth scrubbed over his face, neck and chest. humor romance vampire J.R. Ward
8dc8a54 I brug you two [gifts] . . . I gots the little here in my pockie.' He dug one hand deep into his pocket and pulled out a handful of nuts and a dead grasshopper. 'Nope. Be the other side.' (Matt) humor little-kids mistake Lois Lowry
1b61ede Andrew Lloyd Webber's version of the Kool-Aid jingle is at once chilling and evocative. Donny Osmond is brilliant as James Jones. humor series vampires Christopher Moore
f1f4bda "Jake ignored him and went on. "If I ever do hook up with anybody again - and I sincerely doubt that I will, so wipe that hopeful look off your face - it will be with someone who thinks that being with somebody who mows lawns is her idea of heaven on earth and who will do exactly what I tell her to do and love it." "I think Donna Reed is dead," Will said." humor men-and-women Jennifer Crusie
5b98cf7 Look, dude, you've sampled your life, mixed those sounds with a funk precedent, and established a sixteen-bar system of government for the entire rhythm nation. Set the Dj up as the executive, the legislative, and judicial branches. I mean, after listening to your beat, anything I've heard on the pop radio in the last five years feels like a violation of my civil rights. humor music Paul Beatty
9944f55 "You got cats at home?" "No cats. Only a husband." -- humor marriage-life Jhumpa Lahiri
bdf3eb1 "And I've thought of a way to help you with the concept of color. "Close your eyes and be still, now. I'm going to give you a memory of a rainbow." -- humor Lois Lowry
f1bac98 Your topsoil's a disaster area -- it's starved for nitrogen, it's been fertilized for years by the criminally insane, and whatever thief put in your irrigation system ought to be flogged through the fleet. farm humor land Peter S. Beagle
f10b249 "You should find something better to do with your time," Mandy told him. "I spend my time shooting people, and then I take them to darkrooms and blow them up." "...Come again?" Alecto questioned with a tone of alarm in his voice. "I take photographs and develop them myself, I've got my own darkroom... it was a joke," Mandy laughed. "I love photography and I'm gonna be a photojournalist someday." "Really?" Alecto asked. For the first time since she'd met him, he sounded slightly enthusiastic. "...I take photographs and I film my own home movies, I have a darkroom as well... but I can't be a photojournalist like you... I can't be anything... still, at least I can take photographs, it's fun." april-fool-s blow-up camera chemical crazy dark-room darkroom demented develop disturbing enthusiasm film friends funny hilarious home-movies humor insane instamatic joke kodak murder nikon photography photography-humor shoot strange super-8 weird Rebecca McNutt
8c7256f The heating systems composed works in the style of John Cage. humor music David Mitchell
8c663eb Depth perception and beer obviously weren't related. depth-perception humor Katie McGarry
8af8b13 Europe has achieved peaceful political union for the first time ever: They're using this unprecedented state of affairs to harmonize the curvature of bananas. humor politics Charles Stross
5a5bdd0 The human digestive tract is like the Amtrak line from Seattle to Los Angeles: transit time is about thirty hours, and the scenery on the last leg is pretty monotonous. humor science Mary Roach
8a88d8c "He cut short my request for something to eat, snapping out, "I don't believe you want to work." Now this was irrelevant. I hadn't said anything about work. The topic of conversation I had introduced was "food." In fact, I didn't want to work. I wanted to take the westbound overland that night." humor tramp Jack London
ec23ade O.K., then, all right, they would adopt a white-trash dog. Ha ha. They could name it Zeke, buy it a little corncob pipe and a straw hat. She imagined the puppy, having crapped on the rug, looking up at her, going, Cain't hep it. But no. Had she come from a perfect place? Everything was transmutable. She imagined the puppy grown up, entertaining some friends, speaking to them in a British accent: My family of origin was, um, rather not, shall we say, of the most respectable... Ha ha, wow, the mind was amazing, always cranking out these-- humor puppy George Saunders
a872053 I movin' to Arizona! Dammit, there is nothin' there but gravel and scorpions. humor scorpions Mary Doria Russell
2485f38 Sorry. I get attacks of quotitis every once in a while. It's a very rare disease with no cure. It usually attacks older people, and here i am afflicted with it at my tender age. humor quotes Madeleine L'Engle
aaaac38 "Across the road from my cabin was a huge clear-cut--hundreds of acres of massive spruce stumps interspersed with tiny Douglas firs--products of what they call "Reforestation," which I guess makes the spindly firs en masse a "Reforest," which makes an individual spindly fir a "Refir," which means you could say that Weyerhauser, who owns the joint, has Refir Madness, since they think that sawing down 200-foot-tall spruces and replacing them with puling 2-foot Refirs is no different from farming beans or corn or alfalfa. They even call the towering spires they wipe from the Earth's face forever a "crop"--as if they'd planted the virgin forest! But I'm just a fisherman and may be missing some deeper significance in their nomenclature and stranger treatment of primordial trees." humor David James Duncan
5955a30 He'd done his walls with paint from Holy Basil. God, I yearned for their colors. I hadn't been able to afford them myself but I knew their color chart like the back of my hand. His hall was done in Gangrene, his stairs in Agony and his living room--unless I was very much mistaken--in Dead Whale. Colors I personally very much approved of. humor setting-the-scene way-with-words Marian Keyes
67dd1d7 It made him feel like less of a man. And given how much less of a man he'd felt the past several weeks, that was really saying something. He was surprised someone from the Man Club hadn't come by to revoke his dick and balls. humor jock romance Heidi Betts
e79d044 (...) met the owner of this cozy book-and-candle Apt. G, a tall, leggy, striking girl named Bea or maybe just the letter B or maybe the insect Bee, not sure, her long blond hair pulled in a ponytail, her no-doubt banging body effortlessly buried beneath a pile of tights and sweaters and scarves - she is a walking coat rack - and as we shook hands, Bea fixed me with the most alarming blue-eyed stare of my life, the kind of stare in which you think some potent subliminal message is being passed along (Run away with me or maybe just Run away), (...) drugs humor Jess Walter
abc073a "Venerable age had not, for him, arranged that derelict landscape against which it is privileged to sit and pick its nose, break wind, and damn the course of youth groping among the obstacles erected, dutifully, by its own hands earlier, along the way of that sublime delusion known as the pursuit of happiness. Not to be confused with the state of political bigotry, mental obstinacy, financial security, sensual atrophy, emotional penury, and spiritual collapse which, under the name "maturity", animated lives around him, it might be said that Reverend Gwyon had reached maturity." humor maturity recognitions William Gaddis
c35acae When, however, the lay public rallies round an idea that is denounced by distinguished but elderly scientists and supports that idea with great fervor and emotion--the distinguished but elderly scientists are then, after all, probably right. arthur-charles-clarke clarke humor robotics sci-fi science scientists Isaac Asimov
289b452 There are certain common privileges of a writer, the benefit whereof I hope there will be no reason to doubt; particularly, that where I am not understood, it shall be concluded that something very useful and profound is couched underneath; and again, that whatever word or sentence is printed in a different character shall be judged to contain something extraordinary either of wit or sublime. humor jonathan-swift writers writing Jonathan Swift
58c14f6 The Aunts put their arms about one another so that their faces were cheek to cheek, and from this doublehead they gazed up at Steerpike with a row of four equidistant eyes. There was no reason why there should not have been forty, or four hundred of them. It so happened that only four had been removed from a dead and endless frieze whose inexhaustible and repetitive theme was forever, eyes, eyes, eyes. humor weird Mervyn Peake
28e0175 I'd seriously contemplated a real collar - a sparkly green one - if only because I was sure it would offend his dignity. collar dignity humor olivia Kelley Armstrong
ac539ab The hips were the leaders of this conspiracy. So I rang my boss and held the phone to my hips so he could hear them too. humor ruby Cecelia Ahern
587d349 My mother was, for the most part, delighted with my brother and regarded him with the bemused curiosity of a brood hen discovering she has hatched a completely different species. 'I think it was very nice of Paul to give me this vase,' she once said, arranging a bouquet of wildflowers into the skull-shaped bong my brother had left on the kitchen table. 'It's nontraditional, but that's the Rooster's way. He's a free spirit, and we're lucky to have him. drugs family humor satire David Sedaris
0b15165 "If you wanted to kill me, why haven't you smothered me in my sleep?" "No sport in that." She gestured towards the ceiling. "Can I expect to be strung up on that bar and gutted like a deer?" He looked up at the bar and frowned. "Too much sport. Lots of heave-hoeing. Big mess to clean up after. Instead, why don't you just drink the poison-laced whiskey?" He extended the glass toward her again and when she didn't move he said, "No? Okay then." He shot the drink. She might not want the edge taken off but he sure as hell did." humor kidnap murder Sandra Brown
649fcf3 You are quick, for a dancing master, said Ser Meryn. You are slow, for a knight, Syrio replied. humor knight meryn syrio George R.R. Martin
e43814c The sheep, I guess demented with love, didn't object to this at all. Casimir somehow found time to pull up some grass for it, and it lay down and munched its grass and then chewed its cud like hanging out with dogs [...] was something it always did. Maybe it thought other sheep were boring and that it had finally found its spiritual home. humor sheep Robin McKinley
2bb6e58 Mrs Loudon was even more successful than her husband thanks to a single work, Practical Instructions in Gardening for Ladies, published in 1841, which proved to be magnificently timely. It was the first book of any type ever to encourage women of elevated classes to get their hands dirty and even to take on a faint glow of perspiration. This was novel almost to the point of eroticism. Gardening for Ladies bravely insisted that women could manage gardening independent of male supervision if they simply observed a few sensible precautions - working steadily but not too vigorously, using only light tools, never standing on damp ground because of the unhealthful emanations that would rise up through their skirts. humor Bill Bryson
82dd3e6 The simplest strategy for bouts of noxious flatus is to not care. Or perhaps to take advantage of a gastroenterologist I know: get a dog. (To blame.) flatulence humor science Mary Roach
5742093 Mr. A calls me into his office and says he's got bad news and bad news, and which do I want first. I say the bad news. bad-news funny humor George Saunders
e14934e Mouse isn't big. He's compactly challenged. humor urban-fantasy Jim Butcher
cd06039 One of the many downsides to being a drug addict is never really knowing if the stuff is real. downside drug drug-addict druggie funny humor junkie Rebecca McNutt
6a73238 Yet here apparently on this stifling summer afternoon was the eye of Mr. Flay at the outer keyhole of the Hall of the Bright Carvings, and presumably the rest of Mr Flay was joined on behind it. humor mr-flay rottcodd Mervyn Peake
2fff5b7 These are Rustbell Rabbits! I'd like to see them try!!! humor original J.R.R. Tolkien
824076a I don't know what I expected - no maybe I do, Al Pacino from Scarface- but this drug dealer is more like Al Pacino at the beginning of The Godfather reasonably bemused, untouched by his criminal world, sitting with Diane Keaton whispering about Luca Brazzi, not yet asleep with the fishes, or like Al Pacino from Glengarry Glen Ross, although actually, now that I think about it, he's not like Al Pacino at all but more like Kevin Spacey from that film, and who's ever been afraid of Kevin Spacey? drugs godfather humor kevin-spacey scarface Jess Walter
c4fe19c "Back to my apartment? The FBI is there just waiting to slap handcuffs on me." "Well then I guess you shouldn't have decided to become a terrorist, Harry!" "Hey, I never--" Bob raised his voice and shouted toward the centipedes, "I'm not with him!" humor Jim Butcher
30aacc0 New Rule: There's only one thing to say about the Christian Film and Television Commission giving me the Bigoted Bile Award and naming the number-one Most Unbearable Movie of 2008: Thank you! You hate me, you really hate me! hate humor religion religulous Bill Maher
8036721 Yo no creo en brujas, pero que las hay, las hay. humor witches Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra
31fbe35 "I have been asked to explain what I meant by saying that "Literature is a luxury; fiction is a necessity." I have no notion when I said it or where I said it, or even whether I said it; in the sense that I do not now remember ever saying it at all. But I do know why I said it; if I ever said it at all." humor G.K. Chesterton
344fa8b "The sergeants are shunted forward and they blink and stare up at Gonzo as he leans on the edge of his giant mixing bowl. MacArthur never addressed his troops from a mixing bowl--not even one made from a spare geodesic radio emplacement shell--and certainly de Gaulle never did. But Gonzo Lubitsch does, and he does it as if a whole long line of commanders were standing at his shoulder, urging him on. "Gentlemen," says Gonzo softly, "holidays are over. I need an oven, and I need one in about twenty minutes, or these fine flapjacks will go to waste, and that is happening." And something about this statement and the voice in which he says it makes it clear that this is simply true. One way or another, this thing will get done. Under a layer of grime and horror, these two are soldiers, and more, they are productive, can-do sorts of people. Rustily but with a gratitude which is not so far short of worship, they say "Yes, sir" and are about their business." flapjacks humor pancakes soldiers war Nick Harkaway
5f1a341 "New Rule: Instead of killing 99.9 percent of germs, Lysol has to just go ahead and kill them all. Why spare the remaining 0.1 percent? So they can return to their villages and tell the other germs, "Dude, do not mess with Lysol"?" humor Bill Maher
9dbd8f7 Snakes don't have fuckin' legs, so how was I supposed to think there'd be one hidin' in the face of a damn rock that's ten feet below the summit? contemporary humor reaction Simone Elkeles
5edd53d "This," Alaric explained to Sarah in what he thought was a kindly voice, "isn't love you're feeling. Only dopamine. Because Felix isn't like anyone else you know. Being a creature of the night, he's new and exciting and activates a neurotransmitter in your brain that releases feelings of euphoria when you're around him...especially because you know you can never actually be together, and he seems complicated, and perhaps even sensitive and vulnerable at times. But I can assure you: he's anything but." "How dare you?" Sarah demanded hotly. "It isn't dopa...whatever! It's love! Love!" dopamine humor love vampires Meg Cabot
36ce6e0 The men had scattered in all directions, which men are inclined to do when women leave them to their own devices for any length of time. I believe they are easily bored. humor men Elizabeth Peters
54a3539 In 1881, being on a visit to Boston, my wife and I found ourselves in the Parker House with the 's, and went over to Charleston to hear him lecture. His subject was 'Some Mistakes of Moses,' and it was a memorable experience. Our lost leaders, -- , , Theodore Parker, -- who had really spoken to disciples rather than to the nation, seemed to have contributed something to form this organ by which their voice could reach the people. . The wonderful power which Washington's Attorney-general, Edmund Randolph, ascribed to of insinuating his ideas equally into learned and unlearned had passed from 's pen to 's tongue. . { } art boston emerson emotion friendship henry-d-thoreau henry-david-thoreau henry-thoreau honor humor imagination ingersoll inspirational laughter lecture logic love memorable mirth morality orator paine pathos poetry power praise ralph-e-emerson ralph-emerson ralph-waldo-emerson reason respect robert-g-ingersoll robert-green-ingersoll robert-ingersoll simplicity some-mistakes-of-moses speech sympathy tears thomas-paine thoreau truth voice wisdom Moncure Daniel Conway
6f97cef New Rule: America has every right ot bitch about gas prices suddenly shooting up. How could we have known? Oh, wait, there was that teensy, tiny thing about being warned constantly over the last forty years but still creating more urban sprawl, failing to build public transport, buying gas-guzzlers, and voting for oil company shills. So, New Rule: Shut the fuck up about gas prices. gas gas-guzzlers gas-prices humor oil politics urban-sprawl Bill Maher
54935d0 "The male frog, in mating season," said Crake, "makes as much noise as it can. The females are attracted to the male frog with the biggest, deepest voice because it suggests a more powerful frog, one with superior genes. Small male frogs - it's been documented - discover that if they position themselves in empty drainpipes, the pipe acts as a voice amplifier, and the small frog appears much larger than it really is." "So?" "So that's what art is, for the artist," said Crake. "An empty drainpipe. An amplifier. A stab at getting laid." "Your analogy falls down when it comes to female artists," said Jimmy. "They're not in it to get laid. They'd gain no biological advantage from amplifying themselves, since potential mates would be deterred rather than attracted by this sort of amplification. Men aren't frogs, they don't want women who are ten times bigger than them." "Female artists are biologically confused," said Crake." -- attraction biology evolution humans humor Margaret Atwood
5ed19ba Man, didn't anybody ever tell you that art is propaganda? It doesn't matter whether you think it should be or it shouldn't be, it just is, and motherfucker, like or not, you're sitting on a funky Magna Carta. dj-blaze humor music Paul Beatty
7dd561d Mrs. Whitaker found the Holy Grail; it was under a fur coat. humor neil-gaiman Neil Gaiman
db9270c "I refuse to let him hire a princess in disguise who's hoping to sneak into the next ball wearing a dress as shining as the stars so that Daystar will fall in love with her. Princesses are very persuasive, but most of them aren't much use in the kitchen." Daystar blinked. "But Mother, we hardly ever have balls. And I really don't think I'd fall in love with someone just because she was wearing a fancy dress." "Try and convince a princess of that." enchanted-forest humor love princess Patricia C. Wrede
70825b1 Bitches will take your ass down if you try to publish that. Peace out. humor pageant Libba Bray
64c944d The Howard Hughes thing hadn't actually sounded like such a bad deal until about...oh, eight thirty-five this morning. Something about having his ex carry him to the bathroom and help him wash his balls just took all the fun out of becoming an eccentric recluse. ex humor jock recluse romance Heidi Betts
955c2a9 "My only comfort was the knowledge that I was not alone. Huddled in the hallways and making the most of our pathetic French, my fellow students and I engaged in the sort of conversation commonly overheard in refugee camps. "Sometime me cry alone at night." "That be common for I, also, but be more strong, you. Much work and someday you talk pretty. People start love you soon. Maybe tomorrow, okay." french-language humor language-learning students David Sedaris
3aefbd3 Men like to create unnecessary organizations and give them impressive or mysterious names; this usually ends in increased confusion, and should therefore be ignored. humor men Elizabeth Peters
64e304b - Senhor Uhtred! - O padre Willibald veio correndo na minha direcao. - O que esta acontecendo? O que esta acontecendo? - Decidi comecar uma guerra, padre - respondi cheio de animacao. - E muito mais interessante que a paz. humor Bernard Cornwell
9e3f23a But in doing so---moving forward...---he's still dealing with the past. It's always strung out behind us, innit, attached to our arses like a roll of toilet paper we trail out of the bathroom, pointing the way to the giant shite we just took. It doesn't matter if we flushed it down; Everyone still knows what we did there. So its fine to say it's all done and you have no connection with the past, that you're a new person every second, but silly in my view to pretend that person isn't made of the old one. humor past philosophy Kevin Hearne
da362ec Englishmen are not usually softened by appeals to the memory of their mothers. humor the-man-who-would-be-king Rudyard Kipling
3c0330f "Sweet Pocket, you mustn't ask about my life before I came here. What I am now, I have always been, and everything I am is here with you." "Sweet Thalia," said I. "That is a fiery flagon of dragon toss." future humor life past Christopher Moore
71aef6d Don't look at his groin. Don't look at his groin. Don't mention that he doesn't have a vagina, so 'we' is bullshit. This is not the time to mention your pet peeve about expectant fathers talking how 'we' are having a baby. Don't. Don't. humor pet-peeves pregnancy MaryJanice Davidson
d8858ce "During World War II, when combat rations were tinned, meat hashes were a common entree because they worked well with the filling machines. "But the men wanted something they could chew, something into which they could 'sink their teeth,'" wrote food scientist Samuel Lepkovsky in a 1964 paper making the case against a liquid diet for the Gemini astronauts. He summed up the soldiers' take on potted meat: "We could undoubtedly survive on these rations a lot longer than we'd care to live." (NASA went ahead and tested an all-milkshake meal plan on groups of college students living in a simulated space capsule at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in 1964. A significant portion of it ended up beneath the floorboards.)" humor science Mary Roach
5fdb4ae Oh, Marx,' Amanda sighed. 'You're so melodramatic. So what if it's this way or that way? When I was in convent school I used to stare out the windows at the clouds. I used to chase butterflies in the Mother Superior's flower patch. Those clouds and those butterflies, they didn't know secular from religious--and they didn't care.' 'I'm neither a cloud nor a butterlfy,' I snapped. 'We're all the same as clouds and butterflies. We just pretend to be something different. butterflies clouds humor tom-robbins Tom Robbins
c8088bd Considerable thought was given in early Congresses to the possibility of renaming the country. From the start, many people recognized that United States of America was unsatisfactory. For one thing, it allowed of no convenient adjectival form. A citizen would have to be either a United Statesian or some other such clumsy locution, or an American, thereby arrogating to ourselves a title that belonged equally to the inhabitants of some three dozen other nations on two continents. Several alternatives to America were actively considered -Columbia, Appalachia, Alleghania, Freedonia or Fredonia (whose denizens would be called Freeds or Fredes)- but none mustered sufficient support to displace the existing name. humor language Bill Bryson
bdce8ad "This resentment you feel toward Father Henrique is another example," Holtzman said. "What did the man ever do to you? Nothing. So he botched that exorcism. It was his first one. He was young. Do you know what I did at my first exorcism?" "Ran," Alaric said at the same time as his boss. "Thats exactly right," Holtzman went on. "Its extremely frightening to look into the face of evil for the first time." "Not," Alaric said, "as frightening as looking into the face of a man who has willing taken a vow of chastity." humor Meg Cabot
6b58fd2 "His gaze settled on her mouth. "Have you been kissed before, inspector?" "Why?" If he wanted virgin lips, she'd claim to have serviced an army. "If it's your first, I'll do it differently." "You won't do it at all." "Yes, I will." humor kissing Meljean Brook
5d460ac "That drew a laugh from Jessamy, but he said, after a moment: "You had better flay me. It was my fault--all my fault!" "I was wondering how long it would be before you contrived to convince yourself that you were to blame," said Alverstoke caustically. "I haven't the slightest wish to know how you arrived at such an addlebrained conclusion, so don't put yourself to the trouble of telling me!" fault humor Georgette Heyer
6dbb05f "My side felt a lot better when Nora called me at noon the next day. "My nice policeman wants to see you," she said. "How do you feel?" "Terrible. I must've gone to bed sober." I pushed Asta out of the way and got up." humor Dashiell Hammett
591a5d7 My foggy brain slid away and-- And I was still dressed in only my bra and panties. Well, at least it's a nice set of bra and panties. Yep, these were the thoughts going through my brain as I looked at a photo of a decapitated head on my bed. decapitated-head humor olivia thoughts underwear Kelley Armstrong
cc24819 I could croak with no warning, and the only tragedy anyone would experience would be showing up on the last day of my estate sale simply to discover that all remaining items had copious amounts of dog hair on them. death dogs humor Laurie Notaro
cc8b5e7 "... zebra crossings were rather like Bosnia's "safe zones": places where, if you die, you may simply die with the knowledge that your killer was in the wrong." humor pedestrian Lucy Wadham
031dac9 If [his] peace of mind depended on me promising to be a sweet and careful little girl, he'd be smart to get used to chaos. domination humor Sharon Green
6f7da30 "She saw Derek and without so much as a hello, leaned to look behind him. She glared up at Derek. "Where'd you leave him?" "Passed out in an alley." Derek frowned in thought. I said as Tori sputtered. " derek humor tori where-is-simon Kelley Armstrong
cde214a Crazy people who are judged to be harmless are allowed an enormous amount of freedom ordinary people are denied freedom humor identity Katherine Paterson
55045ce "Who else can walk around in a suit like that and then disappear without a trace?" "That's easy," Granuaile replied. "Keyser Soze." She blew on the tips of her fingers. "Poof. He's gone." granuaile humor Kevin Hearne
cec19e5 The Lord is not serious. In fact, it is a little hard to know just what else He is except loving. And love has to do with humor, doesn't it? For you cannot love someone unless you can put up with him, can you? humor love Ray Bradbury
542bfd8 "I was reading. humor reading -Tamora Pierce Briar s Book via fictionalheroine
71360fa Why was it, she sometimes wondered, that in dreams we can't do the simplest things? Like a crying puppy is standing on some broken glass and you want to pick it up and brush the shards off its pads but you can't because you're balancing a ball on your head. Or you're driving and there's this old guy on crutches and you go, to Mr. Feder, your Driver's Ed teacher, Should I swerve? And he's like, Uh, probably. But then you hear this big clunk and Feder makes a negative mark in his book. humor George Saunders
72e2f3f "In lieu of Tasers, you'll have to hit me. Hard as you can. Then maybe some kind of fight-or-flight response will kick in and I'll turn into a bat to get away from you." "Fight or flight." "Yes." "Only half of that is flight." humor humour paranormal supernatural transformation vampires Adam Rex
d002323 She ran into the bathroom and powdered her face and the front of her dress, drew a surrealistic version of a mouth beneath her nose, and dashed into her bedroom to find a coat. humor mother truth John Kennedy Toole
d0f338e "They think I'm not entirely 'grounded in reality', they say. They want me to go to some live-in nerdy activity ranch thing for troubled Canadian youth, that one out in Ontario where you come back programmed like some robot, dressed in a tye-dyed shirt and eating tuna sandwiches," Mandy explained, a horrified look on her face. "You're eighteen, not twelve! Would they really send you to some rat's nest like that?" Wendy questioned in mock horror. "Aw hell no, if you get sent there, they'll make you hold hands and sing songs about caring! And they'll force you to recycle everything in blue canisters, and to discuss your emotions in front of groups of bratty little dopes!" "Dear god, they'll have geeky youth wiener roasts at night, and no locks on the doors!" Mandy added, eyes wide. "...It'll be the day pigs fly, my parents have the camp brochure on the fridge but they'll never go through with sending me there. They always forget." canada center coming-of-age family friendship humor locks nostalgia nova-scotia ontario pressure preteen rebel reprogramming self-help sleepaway straight-camp summer-camp teen troubled tuna-sandwich wiener-roast Rebecca McNutt
d11ab75 "The gym cat appears to those who will die. He is our totem." This thought came to me a few weeks ago. I shared it with no one of course." humor Joyce Carol Oates
d14cac7 No one, I fancy, would discredit a story that the Archbishop of Canterbury slipped on a banana skin merely because he found that a similar comic mishap had been reported of many people, and especially of elderly gentlemen of dignity. humor J.R.R. Tolkien
5030fa1 I dislike the idea of a murderer employing children,' said Holmes darkly. 'It is, I agree, bad for their morals, and interferes with their sleep.' 'And their schooling,' added Holmes sententiously. humor Laurie R. King
4f641c1 The Count was Prince Humperdink's only confidant. His last name was Rugen, but no one needed to use it - he was the only Count in the country, the title having been bestowed by the Prince as a birthday present some years before, the happening taking place, naturally, at one of the Countess' parties. humor William Goldman
d1e8f95 "I had this guy's file pulled this morning, along with the rest of your neighbors. His name is Desperado." Pause. A few seconds passed. He was waiting for my reaction. "Did you say Desperado?" I couldn't stop the snort of laughter that bubbled to the surface. "Yeah," the Director confirmed. "He changed his name when he turned eighteen. It was Melvin." I was still laughing. "'Cause Desperado is so much better than Melvin." fantasy fiction humor joseph-carter keepers novella timeless-series tom-morris ya Laura Kreitzer
4dd3a58 "Of course, we in the West like to pat ourselves on the back and say we're more tolerant, and we are--but tolerance is not the same thing as acceptance. It just means, "We think you're crazy and going to hell, but we won't kill you for it--we'll you. But you don't know who the Man in the Sky is, and we do." humor religion religious-tolerance tolerance Bill Maher
b6a004f Emerson has what I believe is called a selective memory. He can recall minute details of particular excavations but is likely to forget where he left his hat. emerson humor men Elizabeth Peters
7719876 He could not consent to allow himself to be insulted, still less to allow himself to be treated as a rag, and, above all, to allow a thoroughly vicious man to treat him so. No quarrelling, however, no quarrelling! Possibly if some one wanted, if some one, for instance, actually insisted on turning Mr. Golyadkin into a rag, he might have done so, might have done so without opposition or punishment (Mr. Golyadkin was himself conscious of this at times), and he would have been a rag and not Golyadkin - yes, a nasty, filthy rag; but that rag would not have been a simple rag, it would have been a rag possessed of dignity, it would have been a rag possessed of feelings and sentiments, even though dignity was defenceless and feelings could not assert themselves, and lay hidden deep down in the filthy folds of the rag, still the feelings there... funny-and-random humor the-double Fyodor Dostoyevsky
47f7397 "And I've thought of a way to help you with the concept of color. "Close your eyes and be still, now. I'm going to give you a memory of a rainbow." humor Lois Lowry
d35f8fe Captain Harcourt-Bruce was not only dashing, handsome, and brave, he was also rather romantic. The reappearance of magic in England thrilled him immensely. He was a great reader of the more exciting sort of history - and his head was full of ancient battles in which the English were outnumbered by the French and doomed to die, when all at once would be heard the sound of strange, unearthly music, and upon a hilltop would appear the Raven King in his tall, black helmet with it's mantling of raven-feathers streaming in the wind; he would gallop down the hillside on his tall, black horse with a hundred human knights and a hundred fairy knights at his back, and he would defeat the French by magic. That was Captain Harcourt-Bruce's idea of a magician. That was the sort of thing which he now expected to see reproduced on every battlefield on the Continent. So when he saw Mr Norrell in his drawing-room in Hanoversquare, and after he had sat and watched Mr Norrell peevishly complain to his footman, first that the cream in his tea was too creamy, and next that it was too watery - well, I shall not surprize you when I say he was somewhat disappointed. In fact he was so downcast by the whole undertaking that Admiral Paycocke, a bluff old gentleman, felt rather sorry for him and only had the heart to laugh at him and tease him very moderately about it. humor magic magician tea Susanna Clarke
45e7f97 Even though we'd never met, imagining being dumped by Gene made me want to die. What was the point of going out with someone? What was the point of falling in love? The whole thing was enough to make me wish I'd been born in one of those countries where they still have arranged marriages. I mean, okay, yes, it would certainly suck not being allowed to drive or vote and having to ask a man's permission to leave the house. But at least you wouldn't have to worry about being dumped. humor romance Melissa Kantor
d62e556 The use of charm as a tool made her hackles rise. She respected a more direct approach. A battering ram approach. At least one knew where one stood with the battering ram, none of this butter-wouldn't-melt nonsense that could mean yes, no, or maybe. directness humor Lauren Willig
d63007d You have a nice day, you hear? deadlocked dermot humor Charlaine Harris
79a116b Somehow it seems to fill my head with ideas--only I don't exactly know what they are! confusion humor jargon writing Lewis Carroll
7a08ab0 "Alice opened the door when I rang. She had on green pyjamas and held a hairbrush in one hand. She looked wearily at Quinn and spoke wearily: "Bring it in." I took it in and spread it on a bed. It mumbled something I could not make out and moved one hand feebly back and forth, but its eyes stayed shut." funny humor Dashiell Hammett
d6d853c It's not a nice thing to send a penis to a woman. It's disrespectful. dismemberment disrespectful genitalia humor janet-evanovich nice penis stephanie-plum woman Janet Evanovich
7b3d3c7 "I will leave the making of law to you, brother," Prince Baelon declared, "I would sooner make sons." crown-prince fire-and-blood humor jape making-law making-love targaryens George R.R. Martin
b37d8c6 "Murphy," I hissed. "Are you absolutely sure about this hair? That it belongs to Kravos?" If it didn't, the doll wouldn't do diddly to the sorcerer, unless I managed to throw it into his eye. "We're reasonably sure," she whispered, "yes." "Reasonably sure. Great." But I knelt down, and marked out the circle around me, then another around the Ken doll, and wrought my spell." humor Jim Butcher
3ed41ea "Rachel got up and did this happy little shuffle, like she was some cheerful farmer chick who'd just stepped outside to find the hick she was in love with coming up the road with a calf under his arm or whatever. dancing happiness humor George Saunders
3eb4dcd "I'll meet you tomorrow morning at ten in your office, and explain everything. In the meantime, go home and get some sleep." "I have a meeting with McConnell and Baroja tomorrow at ten A.M. to review some procedures," he said. Now, that was the J.B. I knew. Never mind the demon attack; procedures needed reviewing." -- demons humor paranormal Christina Henry
7b5a232 "A demigod?" I repeated like I'd just learned to speak a few seconds ago. "A real, live demigod?" "Opposed to a fake, dead one?" He chuckled, proud of himself, and then sighed when my eyes narrowed on him. "You used to have a sense of humor, Seth." humor sarcasm Jennifer L. Armentrout
d876af7 "Diesel sucked air. "You keep fondling me like that, and I might have to marry you." "I'm not fondling you. I'm looking for the keys!" "Could you look a little more gently? You're scaring my boys." humor humorous Janet Evanovich
3ccaf8c The other shoppers were too well behaved to stare at the green-headed stoner and the tear-streaked lady zigzagging up the aisles with a chubby bearded guy scurrying behind them picking up the things they dropped. humor humorous-quotes irony Amy Goldman Koss
3baec90 "I keep thinking, well, this'll settle down. It's bound to level off and settle down. But it doesn't. Even when things are just going smooth and we're just....living, I can look at you, and I've got no breath left." "Every minute with you, I'm alive. I never knew before there were pieces of me unborn, just waiting for you. I'm alive with you, Eve" She sighted, touched his cheek. "We'd better get out of here. We're getting mush all over the pool." humor romance J.D. Robb
b2a48d0 Have any sheep been seen walking out of the Library with seagoing adventurers clinging to their wool? humor witty Lindsey Davis
da88d4f Saliva mucusque humor matilda mucus spit Karen Cushman
39bbd29 New Rule: Stop calling bagpipes a musical instrument. They're actually a Scottish Breathalyzer test. You blow into one end, and if the sound that comes out the other end doesn't make you want to kill yourself--you're not drunk enough. humor music Bill Maher
da9fa08 We live and we die and anything else is just delusion. it's just passive chick bullshit about feelings and sensitivity. Just made-up subjective emotional crap. There is no soul. There is no God. There's just decisions and disease and death. death humor life-and-death Chuck Palahniuk
b29de03 "Ebenezar blinked . Then he turned his face to me his expression clearly asking whether or not I was out of my damned mind . "Wile E. Coyote" I said to him soberly . "Suuuuuuper Genius" humor Jim Butcher
3930d89 New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he's supposed to pee, there's a couch. humor pets Bill Maher
b27a3ff "I do not expect Henrique Mauricio to conform to my standards of behavior," Alaric said. "I expect him not to do things that make me want to pound his face into a bloody pulp. Sadly, every time I meet him he fails to live up to this expectation." humor Meg Cabot
387754d Araminta had generally considered the laws of etiquette as the rules of the chase, and divided them into categories: those which everyone broke, all the time; those which one could not break without being frowned at; and those which caused one to be quietly and permanently left out of every future invitation to the field. decorum etiquette humor observations Naomi Novik
b24a778 Low ceiling, stone walls, a dirt floor stamped with paw prints. I never go in without announcing myself. 'Hyaa!' I yell. 'Hyaa. Hyaa!' It's the sound my father makes when entering his toolshed, the cry of cowboys as they round up dogies, and it suggests a certain degree of authority. Snakes, bats, weasels --it's time to head up and move on out. humor scared David Sedaris
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