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5a5bdd0 The human digestive tract is like the Amtrak line from Seattle to Los Angeles: transit time is about thirty hours, and the scenery on the last leg is pretty monotonous. humor science Mary Roach
9944f55 "You got cats at home?" "No cats. Only a husband." -- humor marriage-life Jhumpa Lahiri
824076a I don't know what I expected - no maybe I do, Al Pacino from Scarface- but this drug dealer is more like Al Pacino at the beginning of The Godfather reasonably bemused, untouched by his criminal world, sitting with Diane Keaton whispering about Luca Brazzi, not yet asleep with the fishes, or like Al Pacino from Glengarry Glen Ross, although actually, now that I think about it, he's not like Al Pacino at all but more like Kevin Spacey from that film, and who's ever been afraid of Kevin Spacey? drugs godfather humor kevin-spacey scarface Jess Walter
7429113 I like to smile at the men who look mean so they know I believe in their better selves. That makes a difference in the world. This is how you might be able to reform a possible rapist without ever going to psychology school. humor make-a-difference psychology smiling Aimee Bender
1b61ede Andrew Lloyd Webber's version of the Kool-Aid jingle is at once chilling and evocative. Donny Osmond is brilliant as James Jones. humor series vampires Christopher Moore
31fbe35 "I have been asked to explain what I meant by saying that "Literature is a luxury; fiction is a necessity." I have no notion when I said it or where I said it, or even whether I said it; in the sense that I do not now remember ever saying it at all. But I do know why I said it; if I ever said it at all." humor G.K. Chesterton
02ae95f The chip that functions abnormally will be desoldered, as they say. androids chip computer computers hammer humor nail robots soldering Charles Stross
6f97cef New Rule: America has every right ot bitch about gas prices suddenly shooting up. How could we have known? Oh, wait, there was that teensy, tiny thing about being warned constantly over the last forty years but still creating more urban sprawl, failing to build public transport, buying gas-guzzlers, and voting for oil company shills. So, New Rule: Shut the fuck up about gas prices. gas gas-guzzlers gas-prices humor oil politics urban-sprawl Bill Maher
289b452 There are certain common privileges of a writer, the benefit whereof I hope there will be no reason to doubt; particularly, that where I am not understood, it shall be concluded that something very useful and profound is couched underneath; and again, that whatever word or sentence is printed in a different character shall be judged to contain something extraordinary either of wit or sublime. humor jonathan-swift writers writing Jonathan Swift
2485f38 Sorry. I get attacks of quotitis every once in a while. It's a very rare disease with no cure. It usually attacks older people, and here i am afflicted with it at my tender age. humor quotes Madeleine L'Engle
8af8b13 Europe has achieved peaceful political union for the first time ever: They're using this unprecedented state of affairs to harmonize the curvature of bananas. humor politics Charles Stross
2fff5b7 These are Rustbell Rabbits! I'd like to see them try!!! humor original J.R.R. Tolkien
71aef6d Don't look at his groin. Don't look at his groin. Don't mention that he doesn't have a vagina, so 'we' is bullshit. This is not the time to mention your pet peeve about expectant fathers talking how 'we' are having a baby. Don't. Don't. humor pet-peeves pregnancy MaryJanice Davidson
8c7256f The heating systems composed works in the style of John Cage. humor music David Mitchell
6b567ac Servants ran to wake the young king, Tamar, already awake and watching from his balcony. Curious, naturally. Not altogether pleased. No more than anyone would be, jolted out of a sound sleep by unexpected elephants. humor Lloyd Alexander
955c2a9 "My only comfort was the knowledge that I was not alone. Huddled in the hallways and making the most of our pathetic French, my fellow students and I engaged in the sort of conversation commonly overheard in refugee camps. "Sometime me cry alone at night." "That be common for I, also, but be more strong, you. Much work and someday you talk pretty. People start love you soon. Maybe tomorrow, okay." french-language humor language-learning students David Sedaris
0b15165 "If you wanted to kill me, why haven't you smothered me in my sleep?" "No sport in that." She gestured towards the ceiling. "Can I expect to be strung up on that bar and gutted like a deer?" He looked up at the bar and frowned. "Too much sport. Lots of heave-hoeing. Big mess to clean up after. Instead, why don't you just drink the poison-laced whiskey?" He extended the glass toward her again and when she didn't move he said, "No? Okay then." He shot the drink. She might not want the edge taken off but he sure as hell did." humor kidnap murder Sandra Brown
7dd561d Mrs. Whitaker found the Holy Grail; it was under a fur coat. humor neil-gaiman Neil Gaiman
d42cb39 (...) solo el perro o el caballo podrian emitir un juicio de conjunto sobre el hombre y declarar que el hombre es asombroso, lo que ellos no se preocupan de hacer, por lo menos que yo sepa. Pero no se puede admitir que un hombre pueda formular un juicio sobre el hombre. humanismo humor Jean-Paul Sartre
c4fe19c "Back to my apartment? The FBI is there just waiting to slap handcuffs on me." "Well then I guess you shouldn't have decided to become a terrorist, Harry!" "Hey, I never--" Bob raised his voice and shouted toward the centipedes, "I'm not with him!" humor Jim Butcher
2bb6e58 Mrs Loudon was even more successful than her husband thanks to a single work, Practical Instructions in Gardening for Ladies, published in 1841, which proved to be magnificently timely. It was the first book of any type ever to encourage women of elevated classes to get their hands dirty and even to take on a faint glow of perspiration. This was novel almost to the point of eroticism. Gardening for Ladies bravely insisted that women could manage gardening independent of male supervision if they simply observed a few sensible precautions - working steadily but not too vigorously, using only light tools, never standing on damp ground because of the unhealthful emanations that would rise up through their skirts. humor Bill Bryson
67dd1d7 It made him feel like less of a man. And given how much less of a man he'd felt the past several weeks, that was really saying something. He was surprised someone from the Man Club hadn't come by to revoke his dick and balls. humor jock romance Heidi Betts
58c14f6 The Aunts put their arms about one another so that their faces were cheek to cheek, and from this doublehead they gazed up at Steerpike with a row of four equidistant eyes. There was no reason why there should not have been forty, or four hundred of them. It so happened that only four had been removed from a dead and endless frieze whose inexhaustible and repetitive theme was forever, eyes, eyes, eyes. humor weird Mervyn Peake
8dc8a54 I brug you two [gifts] . . . I gots the little here in my pockie.' He dug one hand deep into his pocket and pulled out a handful of nuts and a dead grasshopper. 'Nope. Be the other side.' (Matt) humor little-kids mistake Lois Lowry
70825b1 Bitches will take your ass down if you try to publish that. Peace out. humor pageant Libba Bray
ca169f9 I had never known any man to die while speaking in terza-rima hemingway humor poets terza-rima Ernest Hemingway
28e0175 I'd seriously contemplated a real collar - a sparkly green one - if only because I was sure it would offend his dignity. collar dignity humor olivia Kelley Armstrong
3da1e28 "Got here half an hour ago and had a look, eyeballin' it," Sawyer said. "It's murder, all right. Tell you something else - the sun went down, and it's as dark as the inside of a horses's ass out here." horse humor virgil-flowers John Sandford
30aacc0 New Rule: There's only one thing to say about the Christian Film and Television Commission giving me the Bigoted Bile Award and naming the number-one Most Unbearable Movie of 2008: Thank you! You hate me, you really hate me! hate humor religion religulous Bill Maher
5955a30 He'd done his walls with paint from Holy Basil. God, I yearned for their colors. I hadn't been able to afford them myself but I knew their color chart like the back of my hand. His hall was done in Gangrene, his stairs in Agony and his living room--unless I was very much mistaken--in Dead Whale. Colors I personally very much approved of. humor setting-the-scene way-with-words Marian Keyes
8c663eb Depth perception and beer obviously weren't related. depth-perception humor Katie McGarry
165e0fb "The abbot cleared his throat. "You are all very stupid people," he told them graciously, "and you do not know anything at all." humor Neil Gaiman
a02297e "Cars like that shouldn't be left in storage. It causes mechanical issues. With brakes and tires and engines and such." My smile returned. "You have no idea what you're talking about, do you?" "Not a word." gabriel humor mechanical-issues olivia Kelley Armstrong
d530cab All those adorable towheaded kids in the promotional film are going to turn thirteen. Once a family member hits puberty, odds are that everybody is not going to have the same ideals. Unless everybody gets together and agrees that the new ideals involve turning the front yard into a skate ramp and officially changing Dad's name to Fuckhead. florida humor parenting Sarah Vowell
9f86c82 "They served "Good Food" but only a G, an O and a D were lit up. Personally, I doubted God dined there. Unless God was keen on samonella poisoning and rat droppings in the hamburgers. But then again, what did I know?" food god hamburgers humor Julie Kenner
344fa8b "The sergeants are shunted forward and they blink and stare up at Gonzo as he leans on the edge of his giant mixing bowl. MacArthur never addressed his troops from a mixing bowl--not even one made from a spare geodesic radio emplacement shell--and certainly de Gaulle never did. But Gonzo Lubitsch does, and he does it as if a whole long line of commanders were standing at his shoulder, urging him on. "Gentlemen," says Gonzo softly, "holidays are over. I need an oven, and I need one in about twenty minutes, or these fine flapjacks will go to waste, and that is happening." And something about this statement and the voice in which he says it makes it clear that this is simply true. One way or another, this thing will get done. Under a layer of grime and horror, these two are soldiers, and more, they are productive, can-do sorts of people. Rustily but with a gratitude which is not so far short of worship, they say "Yes, sir" and are about their business." flapjacks humor pancakes soldiers war Nick Harkaway
90b3a60 "When the corpses of [Sir John] Franklin's officers and crew were later discovered, miles from their ships, the men were found to have left behind their guns but to have lugged such essentials as monogrammed silver cutlery, a backgammon board, a cigar case, a clothes brush, a tin of button polish, and a copy of "The Vicar of Wakefield." These men may have been incompetent bunglers, but, by God, they were gentlemen." -- humor Anne Fadiman
6a73238 Yet here apparently on this stifling summer afternoon was the eye of Mr. Flay at the outer keyhole of the Hall of the Bright Carvings, and presumably the rest of Mr Flay was joined on behind it. humor mr-flay rottcodd Mervyn Peake
cd06039 One of the many downsides to being a drug addict is never really knowing if the stuff is real. downside drug drug-addict druggie funny humor junkie Rebecca McNutt
5f1a341 "New Rule: Instead of killing 99.9 percent of germs, Lysol has to just go ahead and kill them all. Why spare the remaining 0.1 percent? So they can return to their villages and tell the other germs, "Dude, do not mess with Lysol"?" humor Bill Maher
f6c5def "Eyes on hers, he flicked her shoulder. Her mouth fell open. She started stomping the floor. "What in God's name are you doing?" he demanded. "Trying to kill the giant tarantula, because the only reason I can figure you just fucking flicked me is because there was a big, fat spider on my shoulder." humor J.D. Robb
5edd53d "This," Alaric explained to Sarah in what he thought was a kindly voice, "isn't love you're feeling. Only dopamine. Because Felix isn't like anyone else you know. Being a creature of the night, he's new and exciting and activates a neurotransmitter in your brain that releases feelings of euphoria when you're around him...especially because you know you can never actually be together, and he seems complicated, and perhaps even sensitive and vulnerable at times. But I can assure you: he's anything but." "How dare you?" Sarah demanded hotly. "It isn't dopa...whatever! It's love! Love!" dopamine humor love vampires Meg Cabot
5ed19ba Man, didn't anybody ever tell you that art is propaganda? It doesn't matter whether you think it should be or it shouldn't be, it just is, and motherfucker, like or not, you're sitting on a funky Magna Carta. dj-blaze humor music Paul Beatty
9dbd8f7 Snakes don't have fuckin' legs, so how was I supposed to think there'd be one hidin' in the face of a damn rock that's ten feet below the summit? contemporary humor reaction Simone Elkeles
a181757 If I don't keep this job, then my only future career-options are working in Argos, or being a prostitute,' I say, wildly. 'Maybe you could work in Argos a prostitute,' my mother says, merrily. She appears to be enjoying this conversation. 'They could list you in the catalogue, and people could queue up, and wait for you to come down the conveyor belt. humor humour Caitlin Moran
9ee1436 [On writing Jeeves and Wooster stories]: You tell yourself that you can take Jeeves stories or leave them alone, that one more can't possibly hurt you, because you know you can pull up whenever you feel like it, but it is merely wish-full thinking. The craving has gripped you and there is no resisting it. You have passed the point of no return. humor humour jeeves P.G. Wodehouse
9edaa80 Rowl felt sure that Bridget's fragile feelings would be crushed if he denied her the pleasure of sharing her meat with him. humor Jim Butcher
4c0e72c "For your penance, say two Hail Marys, three our Fathers, and," he added, with a chuckle, "say a special prayer for the Dodgers." humor Doris Kearns Goodwin
f6f69a9 A man walked across the moors from Razorback to Lancre town without seeing a single marshlight, head-less dog, strolling tree, ghostly coach or comet, and had to be taken in by a tavern and given a drink to unsteady his nerves. humor magic Terry Pratchett
4b34086 In order not to make a liar out of Henry or Katherine, one or the other, the committee men think up circumstances in which the match may have been partly consummated, or somewhat consummated, and to do this they have to imagine every disaster and shame that can occur between a man and a woman alone in a room in the dark. henry-viii humor sex Hilary Mantel
3c0330f "Sweet Pocket, you mustn't ask about my life before I came here. What I am now, I have always been, and everything I am is here with you." "Sweet Thalia," said I. "That is a fiery flagon of dragon toss." future humor life past Christopher Moore
64e304b - Senhor Uhtred! - O padre Willibald veio correndo na minha direcao. - O que esta acontecendo? O que esta acontecendo? - Decidi comecar uma guerra, padre - respondi cheio de animacao. - E muito mais interessante que a paz. humor Bernard Cornwell
6398ec9 I put my hand down below the table to check my zipper. You have to stand before a jury only once with your fly open and it will never happen again humor zipper Michael Connelly
8f12921 His ears caught a sweet chiming noise, and a moment later a warm rush fell over his body. How we doing Rhage? Too hot? Butch's voice. Up close. The cop was in the shower with him. And he smelled Turkish tobacco. V must be in the bathroom too. Hollywood? This too hot for you? No. He reached around for the soap, fumbling. Can't see. Just as well. No reason for you to know what we look naked together. Frankly, I'm traumatized enough for the both of us. Rhage smiled a little as a washcloth scrubbed over his face, neck and chest. humor romance vampire J.R. Ward
587d349 My mother was, for the most part, delighted with my brother and regarded him with the bemused curiosity of a brood hen discovering she has hatched a completely different species. 'I think it was very nice of Paul to give me this vase,' she once said, arranging a bouquet of wildflowers into the skull-shaped bong my brother had left on the kitchen table. 'It's nontraditional, but that's the Rooster's way. He's a free spirit, and we're lucky to have him. drugs family humor satire David Sedaris
d314045 Society never made the preposterous demand that a man should think as much about his own qualifications for making a charming girl happy as he thinks of hers for making himself happy. As if a man could choose not only his wife but his wife's husband! humor social-norms George Eliot
649fcf3 You are quick, for a dancing master, said Ser Meryn. You are slow, for a knight, Syrio replied. humor knight meryn syrio George R.R. Martin
64c944d The Howard Hughes thing hadn't actually sounded like such a bad deal until about...oh, eight thirty-five this morning. Something about having his ex carry him to the bathroom and help him wash his balls just took all the fun out of becoming an eccentric recluse. ex humor jock recluse romance Heidi Betts
f747745 That's so typical. You won't steal a baby, but you're too lazy to conjugate. grammar humor Jim Butcher
e43814c The sheep, I guess demented with love, didn't object to this at all. Casimir somehow found time to pull up some grass for it, and it lay down and munched its grass and then chewed its cud like hanging out with dogs [...] was something it always did. Maybe it thought other sheep were boring and that it had finally found its spiritual home. humor sheep Robin McKinley
e79d044 (...) met the owner of this cozy book-and-candle Apt. G, a tall, leggy, striking girl named Bea or maybe just the letter B or maybe the insect Bee, not sure, her long blond hair pulled in a ponytail, her no-doubt banging body effortlessly buried beneath a pile of tights and sweaters and scarves - she is a walking coat rack - and as we shook hands, Bea fixed me with the most alarming blue-eyed stare of my life, the kind of stare in which you think some potent subliminal message is being passed along (Run away with me or maybe just Run away), (...) drugs humor Jess Walter
9e3f23a But in doing so---moving forward...---he's still dealing with the past. It's always strung out behind us, innit, attached to our arses like a roll of toilet paper we trail out of the bathroom, pointing the way to the giant shite we just took. It doesn't matter if we flushed it down; Everyone still knows what we did there. So its fine to say it's all done and you have no connection with the past, that you're a new person every second, but silly in my view to pretend that person isn't made of the old one. humor past philosophy Kevin Hearne
43c4326 "I wanted to get you flowers but none of the flower shops are open at this hour. I checked six all-night variety stores before finding any at all and this was the best of the-" "They're lovely," Rachel interrupted as she took the flowers. Limp and sad-looking as they were, they truly were lovely to Rachel. They represented hope, and she accepted them gladly, offering a shy smile as she lifted them to her face and sniffed the delicate bouquet of- "Salami?" They were kept in the deli fridge," he muttered, looking embarrassed." humor romance vampires Lynsay Sands
bdf3eb1 "And I've thought of a way to help you with the concept of color. "Close your eyes and be still, now. I'm going to give you a memory of a rainbow." -- humor Lois Lowry
f10b249 "You should find something better to do with your time," Mandy told him. "I spend my time shooting people, and then I take them to darkrooms and blow them up." "...Come again?" Alecto questioned with a tone of alarm in his voice. "I take photographs and develop them myself, I've got my own darkroom... it was a joke," Mandy laughed. "I love photography and I'm gonna be a photojournalist someday." "Really?" Alecto asked. For the first time since she'd met him, he sounded slightly enthusiastic. "...I take photographs and I film my own home movies, I have a darkroom as well... but I can't be a photojournalist like you... I can't be anything... still, at least I can take photographs, it's fun." april-fool-s blow-up camera chemical crazy dark-room darkroom demented develop disturbing enthusiasm film friends funny hilarious home-movies humor insane instamatic joke kodak murder nikon photography photography-humor shoot strange super-8 weird Rebecca McNutt
c35acae When, however, the lay public rallies round an idea that is denounced by distinguished but elderly scientists and supports that idea with great fervor and emotion--the distinguished but elderly scientists are then, after all, probably right. arthur-charles-clarke clarke humor robotics sci-fi science scientists Isaac Asimov
fb34685 The big kid hasn't said anything yet. 'I do like hearing myself talk,' I say, 'only because I have a lot of neat things to say, but eventually the conversation will run out in, like, four or five years, and then where will we be?' Wonder of all wonders, he cracks a little smile. I don't blame him. I am pretty funny. humor little-guys m-m-romance start-of-something-amazing T.J. Klune
8a88d8c "He cut short my request for something to eat, snapping out, "I don't believe you want to work." Now this was irrelevant. I hadn't said anything about work. The topic of conversation I had introduced was "food." In fact, I didn't want to work. I wanted to take the westbound overland that night." humor tramp Jack London
ac539ab The hips were the leaders of this conspiracy. So I rang my boss and held the phone to my hips so he could hear them too. humor ruby Cecelia Ahern
a872053 I movin' to Arizona! Dammit, there is nothin' there but gravel and scorpions. humor scorpions Mary Doria Russell
aaaac38 "Across the road from my cabin was a huge clear-cut--hundreds of acres of massive spruce stumps interspersed with tiny Douglas firs--products of what they call "Reforestation," which I guess makes the spindly firs en masse a "Reforest," which makes an individual spindly fir a "Refir," which means you could say that Weyerhauser, who owns the joint, has Refir Madness, since they think that sawing down 200-foot-tall spruces and replacing them with puling 2-foot Refirs is no different from farming beans or corn or alfalfa. They even call the towering spires they wipe from the Earth's face forever a "crop"--as if they'd planted the virgin forest! But I'm just a fisherman and may be missing some deeper significance in their nomenclature and stranger treatment of primordial trees." humor David James Duncan
abc073a "Venerable age had not, for him, arranged that derelict landscape against which it is privileged to sit and pick its nose, break wind, and damn the course of youth groping among the obstacles erected, dutifully, by its own hands earlier, along the way of that sublime delusion known as the pursuit of happiness. Not to be confused with the state of political bigotry, mental obstinacy, financial security, sensual atrophy, emotional penury, and spiritual collapse which, under the name "maturity", animated lives around him, it might be said that Reverend Gwyon had reached maturity." humor maturity recognitions William Gaddis
82dd3e6 The simplest strategy for bouts of noxious flatus is to not care. Or perhaps to take advantage of a gastroenterologist I know: get a dog. (To blame.) flatulence humor science Mary Roach
8036721 Yo no creo en brujas, pero que las hay, las hay. humor witches Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra
b6db25a New Rule: Churches have to stop ringing the damn bells. It was a good idea in the Middle Ages, but people have clocks now. It's not like you're doing us all a favor by keeping the hunchbacks off the street. Make up your mind, are you a house of worship or an ice cream truck? humor Bill Maher
c1933bf The gilded confines of the Beauty Hall were not my preferred habitat; like the chicken that had laid the eggs for my sandwich, I was more of a free-range creature. eggs eleanor-oliphant funny gail-honeyman humor sandwich Gail Honeyman
78aa26b New Rule: The Napa Valley is Disneyland for alcoholics. Be honest, you're not visiting wineries in four days because you're an oenophile, you're doing it because you're a drunk. It's the only place in America where you can pass out in a stranger's house and it's okay, because it's a B&B and you paid for it. humor napa-valley Bill Maher
77b1d80 New Rule: Americans have to come up with a better cheese to represent the nation than American cheese. I'm not even sure American cheese is cheese. I think it's aged Jell-O. And it doesn't need to be individually wrapped in plastic, either. You're thinking of condoms. cheese food humor Bill Maher
77258d9 "I knew this would happen," Marla says. "You're such a flake. You love me. You ignore me. You save my life, then you cook my mother into soap." humor love pages-159-160 soap Chuck Palahniuk
7719a80 "I notice you didn't include a blade with your new attire," Royce said. "Not even a little jeweled dagger." "Lords no." Albert looked appalled. "I don't fight." "I thought all nobles learned sword fighting." Royce looked to Hadrian. "I thought so too." "Nobles with competent fathers perhaps. I spent my formative years at my aunt's at Huffington Manor. She held a daily salon, where a dozen noble ladies came to discuss all manner of philosophical topics, like how much they hated their husbands. I've never actually held a sword, but I can tie a mean corset and apply face paint like a gold-coin whore." fighting humor noble stereotypes Michael J. Sullivan
d7ed884 "A woman's voice answered, "Hello?" Walter cried back at her, "Hello, oh Lord, hello!" "This is a recording," recited the woman's voice. "Miss Helen Arasumian is not home. Will you leave a message on the wire spool so she may call you when she returns? Hello? This is a recording. Miss Helen Arasumian is not home. Will you leave a message -" He hung up. He sat with his mouth twitching. On second thought he redialed that number. "When Miss Helen Arasumian comes home," he said, "tell her to go to hell." humor loneliness Ray Bradbury
5742093 Mr. A calls me into his office and says he's got bad news and bad news, and which do I want first. I say the bad news. bad-news funny humor George Saunders
d8858ce "During World War II, when combat rations were tinned, meat hashes were a common entree because they worked well with the filling machines. "But the men wanted something they could chew, something into which they could 'sink their teeth,'" wrote food scientist Samuel Lepkovsky in a 1964 paper making the case against a liquid diet for the Gemini astronauts. He summed up the soldiers' take on potted meat: "We could undoubtedly survive on these rations a lot longer than we'd care to live." (NASA went ahead and tested an all-milkshake meal plan on groups of college students living in a simulated space capsule at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in 1964. A significant portion of it ended up beneath the floorboards.)" humor science Mary Roach
54a3539 In 1881, being on a visit to Boston, my wife and I found ourselves in the Parker House with the 's, and went over to Charleston to hear him lecture. His subject was 'Some Mistakes of Moses,' and it was a memorable experience. Our lost leaders, -- , , Theodore Parker, -- who had really spoken to disciples rather than to the nation, seemed to have contributed something to form this organ by which their voice could reach the people. . The wonderful power which Washington's Attorney-general, Edmund Randolph, ascribed to of insinuating his ideas equally into learned and unlearned had passed from 's pen to 's tongue. . { } art boston emerson emotion friendship henry-d-thoreau henry-david-thoreau henry-thoreau honor humor imagination ingersoll inspirational laughter lecture logic love memorable mirth morality orator paine pathos poetry power praise ralph-e-emerson ralph-emerson ralph-waldo-emerson reason respect robert-g-ingersoll robert-green-ingersoll robert-ingersoll simplicity some-mistakes-of-moses speech sympathy tears thomas-paine thoreau truth voice wisdom Moncure Daniel Conway
da362ec Englishmen are not usually softened by appeals to the memory of their mothers. humor the-man-who-would-be-king Rudyard Kipling
54935d0 "The male frog, in mating season," said Crake, "makes as much noise as it can. The females are attracted to the male frog with the biggest, deepest voice because it suggests a more powerful frog, one with superior genes. Small male frogs - it's been documented - discover that if they position themselves in empty drainpipes, the pipe acts as a voice amplifier, and the small frog appears much larger than it really is." "So?" "So that's what art is, for the artist," said Crake. "An empty drainpipe. An amplifier. A stab at getting laid." "Your analogy falls down when it comes to female artists," said Jimmy. "They're not in it to get laid. They'd gain no biological advantage from amplifying themselves, since potential mates would be deterred rather than attracted by this sort of amplification. Men aren't frogs, they don't want women who are ten times bigger than them." "Female artists are biologically confused," said Crake." -- attraction biology evolution humans humor Margaret Atwood
e14934e Mouse isn't big. He's compactly challenged. humor urban-fantasy Jim Butcher
ec23ade O.K., then, all right, they would adopt a white-trash dog. Ha ha. They could name it Zeke, buy it a little corncob pipe and a straw hat. She imagined the puppy, having crapped on the rug, looking up at her, going, Cain't hep it. But no. Had she come from a perfect place? Everything was transmutable. She imagined the puppy grown up, entertaining some friends, speaking to them in a British accent: My family of origin was, um, rather not, shall we say, of the most respectable... Ha ha, wow, the mind was amazing, always cranking out these-- humor puppy George Saunders
45a82bb New Rule: Gun-control people have to stop pressuring Starbucks to ban guns. I want my gun nuts overcaffeinated, twitchy, and accident-prone. That way, the problem will take care of itself. Plus, if just one gun nut kills just one pseudo-intellectual writing a screenplay-slash-graphic-novel on his iPad, natural selection is doing its job. coffee gun-control guns humor Bill Maher
f1bac98 Your topsoil's a disaster area -- it's starved for nitrogen, it's been fertilized for years by the criminally insane, and whatever thief put in your irrigation system ought to be flogged through the fleet. farm humor land Peter S. Beagle
f1f4bda "Jake ignored him and went on. "If I ever do hook up with anybody again - and I sincerely doubt that I will, so wipe that hopeful look off your face - it will be with someone who thinks that being with somebody who mows lawns is her idea of heaven on earth and who will do exactly what I tell her to do and love it." "I think Donna Reed is dead," Will said." humor men-and-women Jennifer Crusie
3aefbd3 Men like to create unnecessary organizations and give them impressive or mysterious names; this usually ends in increased confusion, and should therefore be ignored. humor men Elizabeth Peters
d11ab75 "The gym cat appears to those who will die. He is our totem." This thought came to me a few weeks ago. I shared it with no one of course." humor Joyce Carol Oates
b0fd7fe America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaking helpings of disaster that no man or plan can prevent. humor Bill Maher
b103865 My Precioussss! -Gollum humor j-r-r-tolkien movie precious the-hobbit J.R.R. Tolkien
3baec90 "I keep thinking, well, this'll settle down. It's bound to level off and settle down. But it doesn't. Even when things are just going smooth and we're just....living, I can look at you, and I've got no breath left." "Every minute with you, I'm alive. I never knew before there were pieces of me unborn, just waiting for you. I'm alive with you, Eve" She sighted, touched his cheek. "We'd better get out of here. We're getting mush all over the pool." humor romance J.D. Robb
3588109 Will you dance for me? Let your breasts roam for a moment -- I need to see how they dance.' 'Okay.' She danced, and as she danced, she tried to think of the most delicious salads she could imagine -- with artichokes and sundried tomato and blue cheese dressing, and beets, lots of beets. beets erotica food humor salad sex vegetarianism Nicholson Baker
e25f441 "No," he said hoarsely, "the chair will do just fine, thank you." "If I know you are uncomfortable, I shan't be able to sleep." She sounded remarkably like a damsel in distress. Dunford shuddered. He had never been able to resist playing hero. Slowly he got to his feet and walked to the empty side of the bed. How bad could it be?" hero humor Julia Quinn
cc8b5e7 "... zebra crossings were rather like Bosnia's "safe zones": places where, if you die, you may simply die with the knowledge that your killer was in the wrong." humor pedestrian Lucy Wadham
a8732cd At the departure gate, a drunken airport security woman was handing out box cutters to the passengers. drunkenness humor security Warren Ellis
e0204e9 Puddings, my dear sir?' cried Graham. Puddings. We trice 'em athwart the starboard gumbrils, when sailing by and large. humor jargon maturin nautical Patrick O'Brian
3930d89 New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he's supposed to pee, there's a couch. humor pets Bill Maher
fce676c "Nora was eating a piece of cold duck with one hand and working on a jig-saw puzzle with the other when I got home. "I thought you'd gone to live with her," she said. "You used to be a detective: find me a brownish piece shaped something like a snail with a long neck." "Piece of duck or puzzle?..." humor puzzles Dashiell Hammett
f520886 this isn't so much romance as it is opportunity [victor mancini] human-relationships humor life love Chuck Palahniuk
ebce98c "Kaitlin said, "I'm so sick of that 'Greatest Generation' crap. We finally drove a silver nail through the heart of Generation X, only to have this new monster rear its head. And I'm soooooo sick of Tom Hanks looking earnest all the time. They should make a Tom Hanks movie where Tom kills off Greatest Generation figureheads one by one." Bree arrived on cue: "And then he starts killing other generations. He becomes this supernova of hate--all he wants to do is destroy." "Hate clings to him like a rich, lathery shampoo. His lungs secrete it like anthrax foam." Mom lost it. "Stop it! All of you! Tom Hanks is a fine actor who would never hurt anybody. At least not onscreen." I thought, 'Hey, didn't Tom Hanks mow down half of Chicago in "Road to Perdition?"' Well, whatever." humor tom-hanks Douglas Coupland
c5eaba2 Hi, you've reached Caitlin! I'm either on the other line or I'm purposely ignoring you. Or maybe Mrs. Mitchell confiscated my phone for texting in class again... Leave a message and if I deem you worthy, or at least hot, I'll call you back. Mwah! friendship humor mari-mancusi nice-voicemail scorched voicemail Mari Mancusi
c437da6 I used to get upset if somebody I didn't like loved a book I loved. That's MY book, I'd think. books humor Abigail Thomas
7a08ab0 "Alice opened the door when I rang. She had on green pyjamas and held a hairbrush in one hand. She looked wearily at Quinn and spoke wearily: "Bring it in." I took it in and spread it on a bed. It mumbled something I could not make out and moved one hand feebly back and forth, but its eyes stayed shut." funny humor Dashiell Hammett
cec19e5 The Lord is not serious. In fact, it is a little hard to know just what else He is except loving. And love has to do with humor, doesn't it? For you cannot love someone unless you can put up with him, can you? humor love Ray Bradbury
7b3d3c7 "I will leave the making of law to you, brother," Prince Baelon declared, "I would sooner make sons." crown-prince fire-and-blood humor jape making-law making-love targaryens George R.R. Martin
7b5a232 "A demigod?" I repeated like I'd just learned to speak a few seconds ago. "A real, live demigod?" "Opposed to a fake, dead one?" He chuckled, proud of himself, and then sighed when my eyes narrowed on him. "You used to have a sense of humor, Seth." humor sarcasm Jennifer L. Armentrout
860d9d8 "Do you know what I think?" Marcone said. "You think we should shoot Nicodemus in the back at the first opportunity and let Michael dismember him." "Yes." I drew my gun. "Okay." humor pragmatism Jim Butcher
7719876 He could not consent to allow himself to be insulted, still less to allow himself to be treated as a rag, and, above all, to allow a thoroughly vicious man to treat him so. No quarrelling, however, no quarrelling! Possibly if some one wanted, if some one, for instance, actually insisted on turning Mr. Golyadkin into a rag, he might have done so, might have done so without opposition or punishment (Mr. Golyadkin was himself conscious of this at times), and he would have been a rag and not Golyadkin - yes, a nasty, filthy rag; but that rag would not have been a simple rag, it would have been a rag possessed of dignity, it would have been a rag possessed of feelings and sentiments, even though dignity was defenceless and feelings could not assert themselves, and lay hidden deep down in the filthy folds of the rag, still the feelings there... funny-and-random humor the-double Fyodor Dostoyevsky
ed50cec "Gilbert put down the magazine he was looking at and politely said he hoped I was recovering from my injury. I said I was. "I've never been hurt, really hurt," he went on, "that I can remember. I've tried hurting myself, of course, but that's not the same thing. It just made me uncomfortable and irritable and sweat a lot." "That's pretty much the same thing," I said." humor Dashiell Hammett
47f7397 "And I've thought of a way to help you with the concept of color. "Close your eyes and be still, now. I'm going to give you a memory of a rainbow." humor Lois Lowry
39bbd29 New Rule: Stop calling bagpipes a musical instrument. They're actually a Scottish Breathalyzer test. You blow into one end, and if the sound that comes out the other end doesn't make you want to kill yourself--you're not drunk enough. humor music Bill Maher
2dea6a3 Properly cared for, a Savile Row suit can be handed down the generations--like gout. humor savile-row tailoring Ben Schott
edf3446 "You took your clothes off?" "You didn't notice?" "No! Jeez Louise, I don't even know you." "If you look under the covers, you'll know me better." "I don't want to know you better!" "That's a big fib," Diesel said." humor humorous love wicked-appetite Janet Evanovich
7cd5288 As many as thirty or as few as ten years later, lying exhausted and still, eyes open in the dark long after the three suns of Rakhat had set, no longer bleeding, past the vomiting, enough beyond the shock to think again, it would occur to Emilio Sandoz to wonder if perhaps that day int he Sudan was really only part of the setup for a punchline a life-time in the making. It was an odd thought, under the circumstances. He understood that, even at the time. But thinking it, he realized with appalling clarity that on his journey of discovery as a Jesuit, he had not merely been the first human being to set foot on Rhakhat, had not simply explored parts of its largest continent and learned two of its languages and loved some of its people. He had also discovered the outermost limit of faith and, in doing so had located the exact boundary of despair. It was at that moment that he learned, truly, to fear God. faith fear god humor joke Mary Doria Russell
7e8b4b7 I asked. SImon said. Derek said. Simon glanced at me. Derek rolled his eyes. humor locked-up simon tools Kelley Armstrong
7fb8911 Of course, when you shut off your brain from rational analysis, book is dangerous. Taking literally ancient parables from thousands of years ago is much more dangerous than playing with a loaded gun. Ancient scrawls, written by different authors in different centuries with different agendas--yeah, let's get mad literal about . The literalness problem is compounded in religion by the circular logic of not being allowed to question anything, or else you're lacking faith. biblical-literalism humor literalism logic rationality religion Bill Maher
d002323 She ran into the bathroom and powdered her face and the front of her dress, drew a surrealistic version of a mouth beneath her nose, and dashed into her bedroom to find a coat. humor mother truth John Kennedy Toole
cde214a Crazy people who are judged to be harmless are allowed an enormous amount of freedom ordinary people are denied freedom humor identity Katherine Paterson
7fd0a54 A new doctor had been sent for, Lazzaro of Pavia, who had administered to Lorenzo a pulverized mixture of diamonds and pearls. This hitherto infallible medicine had failed to help. humor medicine Irving Stone
a57ea9a "Tell me something about her. People make fun of her?" "Some did," she said. "I never liked it, but..." "Crap." I looked at Molly and said, "Code Carrie. We're in trouble." humor vengeance Jim Butcher
7fde3bd My, my, aren't we upper class and therefore faultlessly grammatical. humor Sharon Green
831e0f9 " Corey said. Hayley turned on Tori. Corey said. I asked Corey. "Bossy, isn't she?" Tori said. Corey said with a grin." cute flirt hayley humor tori Kelley Armstrong
a72928d "You'd be surprised." Charlie said. "You go to bed one night singing her a lullaby, and she wakes up listening to Limp Bizkit." "What the hell is Limp Bizkit?" humor Jodi Picoult
a6ff3d6 And a beautiful garden, not far from a beautiful lake, and I said it sounded perfectly perfect. humor language-play nice-language Vladimir Nabokov
8305d98 "I'm going to need to save you." "Excuse me? No one needs-" "I'm saving you, so shut up and be grateful." humor Kelley Armstrong
b2a48d0 Have any sheep been seen walking out of the Library with seagoing adventurers clinging to their wool? humor witty Lindsey Davis
f0be8c3 Young men are all very well in their place, but it doesn't do to drag them into everything, does it? Diana and I are thinking seriously of promising each other that we will never marry but be nice old maids and live together forever humor L. M. Montgomery
b29de03 "Ebenezar blinked . Then he turned his face to me his expression clearly asking whether or not I was out of my damned mind . "Wile E. Coyote" I said to him soberly . "Suuuuuuper Genius" humor Jim Butcher
2002962 The law enforcement in this town is terrific. All through prohibition Eddie Mars' place was a night club and they had two uniformed men in the lobby every night-to see that the guests didn't bring their own liquor instead of buying it from the house. humor noir-fiction Raymond Chandler
143cbe7 "New Rule: Let the Pope be Pope. An animal-rights group in Italy has asked Pope Benedict to give up his fur-trimmed cape and hat. To which the Pope replied, "Don't be hatin' on my cape, bitch." Sorry, but Popes are the original divas, they invented bling, they've been wearing outlandish outfits for a thousand years--almost as long as Elton John. The clothes, the jewels, the fancy palace...Those aren't just symbols of the Papacy, they are the Papacy. The day the Pope shows up on the balcony in a pair of jeans and polo shirt is the day a billion Catholics go, "What the hell were we thinking?" humor religion Bill Maher
da88d4f Saliva mucusque humor matilda mucus spit Karen Cushman
c5409f9 The brontosaurus had thirty-ton body and a two-ounce brain. The anatosaurus had two thousand teeth. Triceratops had a helmet of filled bone seven feet long. Tyrannosaurus rex had tiny arms and teeth like six-inch razors and it was elected President. It ate everything--dead meat, living meat, old bones-- humor politics John Updike
8ed5d42 ... even though two decades and several years had gone by since [she] first decided to be a fairy, even though Lizabeth Kane now stood five feet six inches tall in her stocking feet, even though she was thirty two years old - she still had aspirations of growing up to be a fairy. humor Janet Evanovich
d876af7 "Diesel sucked air. "You keep fondling me like that, and I might have to marry you." "I'm not fondling you. I'm looking for the keys!" "Could you look a little more gently? You're scaring my boys." humor humorous Janet Evanovich
1393e84 Volvos are fundamentally invisible. funny humor invisible john-sandford mgg michele-cook outrage the-singular-menace volvos John Sandford
71360fa Why was it, she sometimes wondered, that in dreams we can't do the simplest things? Like a crying puppy is standing on some broken glass and you want to pick it up and brush the shards off its pads but you can't because you're balancing a ball on your head. Or you're driving and there's this old guy on crutches and you go, to Mr. Feder, your Driver's Ed teacher, Should I swerve? And he's like, Uh, probably. But then you hear this big clunk and Feder makes a negative mark in his book. humor George Saunders
23e11cd "Sebastian looked alarmed at her stiffness, but Eric took it in and chuckled. "Riding astride would have been easier," he said. "You put twice the strain on yourself with that unnatural position." "Oh, I know," she replied with a grimace. "Every muscle told me about it this morning, and I actually DID have a hot soak before I went to bed." Sebastian looked blankly at the two of them for a moment, then blinked and looked relieved. "Oh, you're saddle sore! I'm sorry--" bella eric five-hundred-kingdoms humor mercedes-lackey sebastian Mercedes Lackey
c8088bd Considerable thought was given in early Congresses to the possibility of renaming the country. From the start, many people recognized that United States of America was unsatisfactory. For one thing, it allowed of no convenient adjectival form. A citizen would have to be either a United Statesian or some other such clumsy locution, or an American, thereby arrogating to ourselves a title that belonged equally to the inhabitants of some three dozen other nations on two continents. Several alternatives to America were actively considered -Columbia, Appalachia, Alleghania, Freedonia or Fredonia (whose denizens would be called Freeds or Fredes)- but none mustered sufficient support to displace the existing name. humor language Bill Bryson
d63007d You have a nice day, you hear? deadlocked dermot humor Charlaine Harris
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