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5ed19ba Man, didn't anybody ever tell you that art is propaganda? It doesn't matter whether you think it should be or it shouldn't be, it just is, and motherfucker, like or not, you're sitting on a funky Magna Carta. dj-blaze humor music Paul Beatty
5edd53d "This," Alaric explained to Sarah in what he thought was a kindly voice, "isn't love you're feeling. Only dopamine. Because Felix isn't like anyone else you know. Being a creature of the night, he's new and exciting and activates a neurotransmitter in your brain that releases feelings of euphoria when you're around him...especially because you know you can never actually be together, and he seems complicated, and perhaps even sensitive and vulnerable at times. But I can assure you: he's anything but." "How dare you?" Sarah demanded hotly. "It isn't dopa...whatever! It's love! Love!" dopamine humor love vampires Meg Cabot
5f1a341 "New Rule: Instead of killing 99.9 percent of germs, Lysol has to just go ahead and kill them all. Why spare the remaining 0.1 percent? So they can return to their villages and tell the other germs, "Dude, do not mess with Lysol"?" humor Bill Maher
3da1e28 "Got here half an hour ago and had a look, eyeballin' it," Sawyer said. "It's murder, all right. Tell you something else - the sun went down, and it's as dark as the inside of a horses's ass out here." horse humor virgil-flowers John Sandford
6398ec9 I put my hand down below the table to check my zipper. You have to stand before a jury only once with your fly open and it will never happen again humor zipper Michael Connelly
3aefbd3 Men like to create unnecessary organizations and give them impressive or mysterious names; this usually ends in increased confusion, and should therefore be ignored. humor men Elizabeth Peters
649fcf3 You are quick, for a dancing master, said Ser Meryn. You are slow, for a knight, Syrio replied. humor knight meryn syrio George R.R. Martin
64c944d The Howard Hughes thing hadn't actually sounded like such a bad deal until about...oh, eight thirty-five this morning. Something about having his ex carry him to the bathroom and help him wash his balls just took all the fun out of becoming an eccentric recluse. ex humor jock recluse romance Heidi Betts
64e304b - Senhor Uhtred! - O padre Willibald veio correndo na minha direcao. - O que esta acontecendo? O que esta acontecendo? - Decidi comecar uma guerra, padre - respondi cheio de animacao. - E muito mais interessante que a paz. humor Bernard Cornwell
67dd1d7 It made him feel like less of a man. And given how much less of a man he'd felt the past several weeks, that was really saying something. He was surprised someone from the Man Club hadn't come by to revoke his dick and balls. humor jock romance Heidi Betts
36ce6e0 The men had scattered in all directions, which men are inclined to do when women leave them to their own devices for any length of time. I believe they are easily bored. humor men Elizabeth Peters
6a73238 Yet here apparently on this stifling summer afternoon was the eye of Mr. Flay at the outer keyhole of the Hall of the Bright Carvings, and presumably the rest of Mr Flay was joined on behind it. humor mr-flay rottcodd Mervyn Peake
6b567ac Servants ran to wake the young king, Tamar, already awake and watching from his balcony. Curious, naturally. Not altogether pleased. No more than anyone would be, jolted out of a sound sleep by unexpected elephants. humor Lloyd Alexander
344fa8b "The sergeants are shunted forward and they blink and stare up at Gonzo as he leans on the edge of his giant mixing bowl. MacArthur never addressed his troops from a mixing bowl--not even one made from a spare geodesic radio emplacement shell--and certainly de Gaulle never did. But Gonzo Lubitsch does, and he does it as if a whole long line of commanders were standing at his shoulder, urging him on. "Gentlemen," says Gonzo softly, "holidays are over. I need an oven, and I need one in about twenty minutes, or these fine flapjacks will go to waste, and that is happening." And something about this statement and the voice in which he says it makes it clear that this is simply true. One way or another, this thing will get done. Under a layer of grime and horror, these two are soldiers, and more, they are productive, can-do sorts of people. Rustily but with a gratitude which is not so far short of worship, they say "Yes, sir" and are about their business." flapjacks humor pancakes soldiers war Nick Harkaway
31fbe35 "I have been asked to explain what I meant by saying that "Literature is a luxury; fiction is a necessity." I have no notion when I said it or where I said it, or even whether I said it; in the sense that I do not now remember ever saying it at all. But I do know why I said it; if I ever said it at all." humor G.K. Chesterton
6f97cef New Rule: America has every right ot bitch about gas prices suddenly shooting up. How could we have known? Oh, wait, there was that teensy, tiny thing about being warned constantly over the last forty years but still creating more urban sprawl, failing to build public transport, buying gas-guzzlers, and voting for oil company shills. So, New Rule: Shut the fuck up about gas prices. gas gas-guzzlers gas-prices humor oil politics urban-sprawl Bill Maher
70825b1 Bitches will take your ass down if you try to publish that. Peace out. humor pageant Libba Bray
71aef6d Don't look at his groin. Don't look at his groin. Don't mention that he doesn't have a vagina, so 'we' is bullshit. This is not the time to mention your pet peeve about expectant fathers talking how 'we' are having a baby. Don't. Don't. humor pet-peeves pregnancy MaryJanice Davidson
2bb6e58 Mrs Loudon was even more successful than her husband thanks to a single work, Practical Instructions in Gardening for Ladies, published in 1841, which proved to be magnificently timely. It was the first book of any type ever to encourage women of elevated classes to get their hands dirty and even to take on a faint glow of perspiration. This was novel almost to the point of eroticism. Gardening for Ladies bravely insisted that women could manage gardening independent of male supervision if they simply observed a few sensible precautions - working steadily but not too vigorously, using only light tools, never standing on damp ground because of the unhealthful emanations that would rise up through their skirts. humor Bill Bryson
7429113 I like to smile at the men who look mean so they know I believe in their better selves. That makes a difference in the world. This is how you might be able to reform a possible rapist without ever going to psychology school. humor make-a-difference psychology smiling Aimee Bender
28e0175 I'd seriously contemplated a real collar - a sparkly green one - if only because I was sure it would offend his dignity. collar dignity humor olivia Kelley Armstrong
289b452 There are certain common privileges of a writer, the benefit whereof I hope there will be no reason to doubt; particularly, that where I am not understood, it shall be concluded that something very useful and profound is couched underneath; and again, that whatever word or sentence is printed in a different character shall be judged to contain something extraordinary either of wit or sublime. humor jonathan-swift writers writing Jonathan Swift
955c2a9 "My only comfort was the knowledge that I was not alone. Huddled in the hallways and making the most of our pathetic French, my fellow students and I engaged in the sort of conversation commonly overheard in refugee camps. "Sometime me cry alone at night." "That be common for I, also, but be more strong, you. Much work and someday you talk pretty. People start love you soon. Maybe tomorrow, okay." french-language humor language-learning students David Sedaris
2485f38 Sorry. I get attacks of quotitis every once in a while. It's a very rare disease with no cure. It usually attacks older people, and here i am afflicted with it at my tender age. humor quotes Madeleine L'Engle
9944f55 "You got cats at home?" "No cats. Only a husband." -- humor marriage-life Jhumpa Lahiri
9dbd8f7 Snakes don't have fuckin' legs, so how was I supposed to think there'd be one hidin' in the face of a damn rock that's ten feet below the summit? contemporary humor reaction Simone Elkeles
9e3f23a But in doing so---moving forward...---he's still dealing with the past. It's always strung out behind us, innit, attached to our arses like a roll of toilet paper we trail out of the bathroom, pointing the way to the giant shite we just took. It doesn't matter if we flushed it down; Everyone still knows what we did there. So its fine to say it's all done and you have no connection with the past, that you're a new person every second, but silly in my view to pretend that person isn't made of the old one. humor past philosophy Kevin Hearne
9edaa80 Rowl felt sure that Bridget's fragile feelings would be crushed if he denied her the pleasure of sharing her meat with him. humor Jim Butcher
9ee1436 [On writing Jeeves and Wooster stories]: You tell yourself that you can take Jeeves stories or leave them alone, that one more can't possibly hurt you, because you know you can pull up whenever you feel like it, but it is merely wish-full thinking. The craving has gripped you and there is no resisting it. You have passed the point of no return. humor humour jeeves P.G. Wodehouse
9f86c82 "They served "Good Food" but only a G, an O and a D were lit up. Personally, I doubted God dined there. Unless God was keen on samonella poisoning and rat droppings in the hamburgers. But then again, what did I know?" food god hamburgers humor Julie Kenner
1b61ede Andrew Lloyd Webber's version of the Kool-Aid jingle is at once chilling and evocative. Donny Osmond is brilliant as James Jones. humor series vampires Christopher Moore
a872053 I movin' to Arizona! Dammit, there is nothin' there but gravel and scorpions. humor scorpions Mary Doria Russell
aaaac38 "Across the road from my cabin was a huge clear-cut--hundreds of acres of massive spruce stumps interspersed with tiny Douglas firs--products of what they call "Reforestation," which I guess makes the spindly firs en masse a "Reforest," which makes an individual spindly fir a "Refir," which means you could say that Weyerhauser, who owns the joint, has Refir Madness, since they think that sawing down 200-foot-tall spruces and replacing them with puling 2-foot Refirs is no different from farming beans or corn or alfalfa. They even call the towering spires they wipe from the Earth's face forever a "crop"--as if they'd planted the virgin forest! But I'm just a fisherman and may be missing some deeper significance in their nomenclature and stranger treatment of primordial trees." humor David James Duncan
abc073a "Venerable age had not, for him, arranged that derelict landscape against which it is privileged to sit and pick its nose, break wind, and damn the course of youth groping among the obstacles erected, dutifully, by its own hands earlier, along the way of that sublime delusion known as the pursuit of happiness. Not to be confused with the state of political bigotry, mental obstinacy, financial security, sensual atrophy, emotional penury, and spiritual collapse which, under the name "maturity", animated lives around him, it might be said that Reverend Gwyon had reached maturity." humor maturity recognitions William Gaddis
ac539ab The hips were the leaders of this conspiracy. So I rang my boss and held the phone to my hips so he could hear them too. humor ruby Cecelia Ahern
b6db25a New Rule: Churches have to stop ringing the damn bells. It was a good idea in the Middle Ages, but people have clocks now. It's not like you're doing us all a favor by keeping the hunchbacks off the street. Make up your mind, are you a house of worship or an ice cream truck? humor Bill Maher
165e0fb "The abbot cleared his throat. "You are all very stupid people," he told them graciously, "and you do not know anything at all." humor Neil Gaiman
c35acae When, however, the lay public rallies round an idea that is denounced by distinguished but elderly scientists and supports that idea with great fervor and emotion--the distinguished but elderly scientists are then, after all, probably right. arthur-charles-clarke clarke humor robotics sci-fi science scientists Isaac Asimov
c4fe19c "Back to my apartment? The FBI is there just waiting to slap handcuffs on me." "Well then I guess you shouldn't have decided to become a terrorist, Harry!" "Hey, I never--" Bob raised his voice and shouted toward the centipedes, "I'm not with him!" humor Jim Butcher
0f7dc44 "Chubi, rhymes with booby, which you don't have, or doodie, which your face looks like," she said smugly, leaning back and making her chair squeak." humor insults-and-slander memorable Kim Harrison
cd06039 One of the many downsides to being a drug addict is never really knowing if the stuff is real. downside drug drug-addict druggie funny humor junkie Rebecca McNutt
d42cb39 (...) solo el perro o el caballo podrian emitir un juicio de conjunto sobre el hombre y declarar que el hombre es asombroso, lo que ellos no se preocupan de hacer, por lo menos que yo sepa. Pero no se puede admitir que un hombre pueda formular un juicio sobre el hombre. humanismo humor Jean-Paul Sartre
d530cab All those adorable towheaded kids in the promotional film are going to turn thirteen. Once a family member hits puberty, odds are that everybody is not going to have the same ideals. Unless everybody gets together and agrees that the new ideals involve turning the front yard into a skate ramp and officially changing Dad's name to Fuckhead. florida humor parenting Sarah Vowell
0b15165 "If you wanted to kill me, why haven't you smothered me in my sleep?" "No sport in that." She gestured towards the ceiling. "Can I expect to be strung up on that bar and gutted like a deer?" He looked up at the bar and frowned. "Too much sport. Lots of heave-hoeing. Big mess to clean up after. Instead, why don't you just drink the poison-laced whiskey?" He extended the glass toward her again and when she didn't move he said, "No? Okay then." He shot the drink. She might not want the edge taken off but he sure as hell did." humor kidnap murder Sandra Brown
e43814c The sheep, I guess demented with love, didn't object to this at all. Casimir somehow found time to pull up some grass for it, and it lay down and munched its grass and then chewed its cud like hanging out with dogs [...] was something it always did. Maybe it thought other sheep were boring and that it had finally found its spiritual home. humor sheep Robin McKinley
e79d044 (...) met the owner of this cozy book-and-candle Apt. G, a tall, leggy, striking girl named Bea or maybe just the letter B or maybe the insect Bee, not sure, her long blond hair pulled in a ponytail, her no-doubt banging body effortlessly buried beneath a pile of tights and sweaters and scarves - she is a walking coat rack - and as we shook hands, Bea fixed me with the most alarming blue-eyed stare of my life, the kind of stare in which you think some potent subliminal message is being passed along (Run away with me or maybe just Run away), (...) drugs humor Jess Walter
02ae95f The chip that functions abnormally will be desoldered, as they say. androids chip computer computers hammer humor nail robots soldering Charles Stross
ec23ade O.K., then, all right, they would adopt a white-trash dog. Ha ha. They could name it Zeke, buy it a little corncob pipe and a straw hat. She imagined the puppy, having crapped on the rug, looking up at her, going, Cain't hep it. But no. Had she come from a perfect place? Everything was transmutable. She imagined the puppy grown up, entertaining some friends, speaking to them in a British accent: My family of origin was, um, rather not, shall we say, of the most respectable... Ha ha, wow, the mind was amazing, always cranking out these-- humor puppy George Saunders
fb34685 The big kid hasn't said anything yet. 'I do like hearing myself talk,' I say, 'only because I have a lot of neat things to say, but eventually the conversation will run out in, like, four or five years, and then where will we be?' Wonder of all wonders, he cracks a little smile. I don't blame him. I am pretty funny. humor little-guys m-m-romance start-of-something-amazing T.J. Klune
5b98cf7 Look, dude, you've sampled your life, mixed those sounds with a funk precedent, and established a sixteen-bar system of government for the entire rhythm nation. Set the Dj up as the executive, the legislative, and judicial branches. I mean, after listening to your beat, anything I've heard on the pop radio in the last five years feels like a violation of my civil rights. humor music Paul Beatty
82dd3e6 The simplest strategy for bouts of noxious flatus is to not care. Or perhaps to take advantage of a gastroenterologist I know: get a dog. (To blame.) flatulence humor science Mary Roach
7719a80 "I notice you didn't include a blade with your new attire," Royce said. "Not even a little jeweled dagger." "Lords no." Albert looked appalled. "I don't fight." "I thought all nobles learned sword fighting." Royce looked to Hadrian. "I thought so too." "Nobles with competent fathers perhaps. I spent my formative years at my aunt's at Huffington Manor. She held a daily salon, where a dozen noble ladies came to discuss all manner of philosophical topics, like how much they hated their husbands. I've never actually held a sword, but I can tie a mean corset and apply face paint like a gold-coin whore." fighting humor noble stereotypes Michael J. Sullivan
77258d9 "I knew this would happen," Marla says. "You're such a flake. You love me. You ignore me. You save my life, then you cook my mother into soap." humor love pages-159-160 soap Chuck Palahniuk
da362ec Englishmen are not usually softened by appeals to the memory of their mothers. humor the-man-who-would-be-king Rudyard Kipling
d7ed884 "A woman's voice answered, "Hello?" Walter cried back at her, "Hello, oh Lord, hello!" "This is a recording," recited the woman's voice. "Miss Helen Arasumian is not home. Will you leave a message on the wire spool so she may call you when she returns? Hello? This is a recording. Miss Helen Arasumian is not home. Will you leave a message -" He hung up. He sat with his mouth twitching. On second thought he redialed that number. "When Miss Helen Arasumian comes home," he said, "tell her to go to hell." humor loneliness Ray Bradbury
a181757 If I don't keep this job, then my only future career-options are working in Argos, or being a prostitute,' I say, wildly. 'Maybe you could work in Argos a prostitute,' my mother says, merrily. She appears to be enjoying this conversation. 'They could list you in the catalogue, and people could queue up, and wait for you to come down the conveyor belt. humor humour Caitlin Moran
78aa26b New Rule: The Napa Valley is Disneyland for alcoholics. Be honest, you're not visiting wineries in four days because you're an oenophile, you're doing it because you're a drunk. It's the only place in America where you can pass out in a stranger's house and it's okay, because it's a B&B and you paid for it. humor napa-valley Bill Maher
30aacc0 New Rule: There's only one thing to say about the Christian Film and Television Commission giving me the Bigoted Bile Award and naming the number-one Most Unbearable Movie of 2008: Thank you! You hate me, you really hate me! hate humor religion religulous Bill Maher
7dd561d Mrs. Whitaker found the Holy Grail; it was under a fur coat. humor neil-gaiman Neil Gaiman
8dc8a54 I brug you two [gifts] . . . I gots the little here in my pockie.' He dug one hand deep into his pocket and pulled out a handful of nuts and a dead grasshopper. 'Nope. Be the other side.' (Matt) humor little-kids mistake Lois Lowry
bdf3eb1 "And I've thought of a way to help you with the concept of color. "Close your eyes and be still, now. I'm going to give you a memory of a rainbow." -- humor Lois Lowry
8a88d8c "He cut short my request for something to eat, snapping out, "I don't believe you want to work." Now this was irrelevant. I hadn't said anything about work. The topic of conversation I had introduced was "food." In fact, I didn't want to work. I wanted to take the westbound overland that night." humor tramp Jack London
c1933bf The gilded confines of the Beauty Hall were not my preferred habitat; like the chicken that had laid the eggs for my sandwich, I was more of a free-range creature. eggs eleanor-oliphant funny gail-honeyman humor sandwich Gail Honeyman
43c4326 "I wanted to get you flowers but none of the flower shops are open at this hour. I checked six all-night variety stores before finding any at all and this was the best of the-" "They're lovely," Rachel interrupted as she took the flowers. Limp and sad-looking as they were, they truly were lovely to Rachel. They represented hope, and she accepted them gladly, offering a shy smile as she lifted them to her face and sniffed the delicate bouquet of- "Salami?" They were kept in the deli fridge," he muttered, looking embarrassed." humor romance vampires Lynsay Sands
c0964de "Yeah," Chris said. "I lose a couple limbs getting drunk and falling into harvesting combine, I'm an idiot. I lose the same limbs because I happened to be standing next to the right door when the ship was damaged, I'm a hero." humor sarcasm James S.A. Corey
8c7256f The heating systems composed works in the style of John Cage. humor music David Mitchell
5742093 Mr. A calls me into his office and says he's got bad news and bad news, and which do I want first. I say the bad news. bad-news funny humor George Saunders
d8858ce "During World War II, when combat rations were tinned, meat hashes were a common entree because they worked well with the filling machines. "But the men wanted something they could chew, something into which they could 'sink their teeth,'" wrote food scientist Samuel Lepkovsky in a 1964 paper making the case against a liquid diet for the Gemini astronauts. He summed up the soldiers' take on potted meat: "We could undoubtedly survive on these rations a lot longer than we'd care to live." (NASA went ahead and tested an all-milkshake meal plan on groups of college students living in a simulated space capsule at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in 1964. A significant portion of it ended up beneath the floorboards.)" humor science Mary Roach
8c663eb Depth perception and beer obviously weren't related. depth-perception humor Katie McGarry
8036721 Yo no creo en brujas, pero que las hay, las hay. humor witches Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra
f10b249 "You should find something better to do with your time," Mandy told him. "I spend my time shooting people, and then I take them to darkrooms and blow them up." "...Come again?" Alecto questioned with a tone of alarm in his voice. "I take photographs and develop them myself, I've got my own darkroom... it was a joke," Mandy laughed. "I love photography and I'm gonna be a photojournalist someday." "Really?" Alecto asked. For the first time since she'd met him, he sounded slightly enthusiastic. "...I take photographs and I film my own home movies, I have a darkroom as well... but I can't be a photojournalist like you... I can't be anything... still, at least I can take photographs, it's fun." april-fool-s blow-up camera chemical crazy dark-room darkroom demented develop disturbing enthusiasm film friends funny hilarious home-movies humor insane instamatic joke kodak murder nikon photography photography-humor shoot strange super-8 weird Rebecca McNutt
8af8b13 Europe has achieved peaceful political union for the first time ever: They're using this unprecedented state of affairs to harmonize the curvature of bananas. humor politics Charles Stross
587d349 My mother was, for the most part, delighted with my brother and regarded him with the bemused curiosity of a brood hen discovering she has hatched a completely different species. 'I think it was very nice of Paul to give me this vase,' she once said, arranging a bouquet of wildflowers into the skull-shaped bong my brother had left on the kitchen table. 'It's nontraditional, but that's the Rooster's way. He's a free spirit, and we're lucky to have him. drugs family humor satire David Sedaris
58c14f6 The Aunts put their arms about one another so that their faces were cheek to cheek, and from this doublehead they gazed up at Steerpike with a row of four equidistant eyes. There was no reason why there should not have been forty, or four hundred of them. It so happened that only four had been removed from a dead and endless frieze whose inexhaustible and repetitive theme was forever, eyes, eyes, eyes. humor weird Mervyn Peake
2fff5b7 These are Rustbell Rabbits! I'd like to see them try!!! humor original J.R.R. Tolkien
f1bac98 Your topsoil's a disaster area -- it's starved for nitrogen, it's been fertilized for years by the criminally insane, and whatever thief put in your irrigation system ought to be flogged through the fleet. farm humor land Peter S. Beagle
5955a30 He'd done his walls with paint from Holy Basil. God, I yearned for their colors. I hadn't been able to afford them myself but I knew their color chart like the back of my hand. His hall was done in Gangrene, his stairs in Agony and his living room--unless I was very much mistaken--in Dead Whale. Colors I personally very much approved of. humor setting-the-scene way-with-words Marian Keyes
f1f4bda "Jake ignored him and went on. "If I ever do hook up with anybody again - and I sincerely doubt that I will, so wipe that hopeful look off your face - it will be with someone who thinks that being with somebody who mows lawns is her idea of heaven on earth and who will do exactly what I tell her to do and love it." "I think Donna Reed is dead," Will said." humor men-and-women Jennifer Crusie
db9270c "I refuse to let him hire a princess in disguise who's hoping to sneak into the next ball wearing a dress as shining as the stars so that Daystar will fall in love with her. Princesses are very persuasive, but most of them aren't much use in the kitchen." Daystar blinked. "But Mother, we hardly ever have balls. And I really don't think I'd fall in love with someone just because she was wearing a fancy dress." "Try and convince a princess of that." enchanted-forest humor love princess Patricia C. Wrede
824076a I don't know what I expected - no maybe I do, Al Pacino from Scarface- but this drug dealer is more like Al Pacino at the beginning of The Godfather reasonably bemused, untouched by his criminal world, sitting with Diane Keaton whispering about Luca Brazzi, not yet asleep with the fishes, or like Al Pacino from Glengarry Glen Ross, although actually, now that I think about it, he's not like Al Pacino at all but more like Kevin Spacey from that film, and who's ever been afraid of Kevin Spacey? drugs godfather humor kevin-spacey scarface Jess Walter
5a5bdd0 The human digestive tract is like the Amtrak line from Seattle to Los Angeles: transit time is about thirty hours, and the scenery on the last leg is pretty monotonous. humor science Mary Roach
ca169f9 I had never known any man to die while speaking in terza-rima hemingway humor poets terza-rima Ernest Hemingway
8f12921 His ears caught a sweet chiming noise, and a moment later a warm rush fell over his body. How we doing Rhage? Too hot? Butch's voice. Up close. The cop was in the shower with him. And he smelled Turkish tobacco. V must be in the bathroom too. Hollywood? This too hot for you? No. He reached around for the soap, fumbling. Can't see. Just as well. No reason for you to know what we look naked together. Frankly, I'm traumatized enough for the both of us. Rhage smiled a little as a washcloth scrubbed over his face, neck and chest. humor romance vampire J.R. Ward
f6c5def "Eyes on hers, he flicked her shoulder. Her mouth fell open. She started stomping the floor. "What in God's name are you doing?" he demanded. "Trying to kill the giant tarantula, because the only reason I can figure you just fucking flicked me is because there was a big, fat spider on my shoulder." humor J.D. Robb
ca1a2d5 He fell into step beside me and we both got into the -- he got in the red door. I got in the white one, and we peered out over the grey hood[...] humor Jim Butcher
f6f69a9 A man walked across the moors from Razorback to Lancre town without seeing a single marshlight, head-less dog, strolling tree, ghostly coach or comet, and had to be taken in by a tavern and given a drink to unsteady his nerves. humor magic Terry Pratchett
a02297e "Cars like that shouldn't be left in storage. It causes mechanical issues. With brakes and tires and engines and such." My smile returned. "You have no idea what you're talking about, do you?" "Not a word." gabriel humor mechanical-issues olivia Kelley Armstrong
90b3a60 "When the corpses of [Sir John] Franklin's officers and crew were later discovered, miles from their ships, the men were found to have left behind their guns but to have lugged such essentials as monogrammed silver cutlery, a backgammon board, a cigar case, a clothes brush, a tin of button polish, and a copy of "The Vicar of Wakefield." These men may have been incompetent bunglers, but, by God, they were gentlemen." -- humor Anne Fadiman
f747745 That's so typical. You won't steal a baby, but you're too lazy to conjugate. grammar humor Jim Butcher
d314045 Society never made the preposterous demand that a man should think as much about his own qualifications for making a charming girl happy as he thinks of hers for making himself happy. As if a man could choose not only his wife but his wife's husband! humor social-norms George Eliot
77b1d80 New Rule: Americans have to come up with a better cheese to represent the nation than American cheese. I'm not even sure American cheese is cheese. I think it's aged Jell-O. And it doesn't need to be individually wrapped in plastic, either. You're thinking of condoms. cheese food humor Bill Maher
e14934e Mouse isn't big. He's compactly challenged. humor urban-fantasy Jim Butcher
7a08ab0 "Alice opened the door when I rang. She had on green pyjamas and held a hairbrush in one hand. She looked wearily at Quinn and spoke wearily: "Bring it in." I took it in and spread it on a bed. It mumbled something I could not make out and moved one hand feebly back and forth, but its eyes stayed shut." funny humor Dashiell Hammett
a0510ba "Once we were outside, I was so excited I could hardly stand it. "Grandmere!" I yelled. "What'd you say to them? What'd you say to convince them to let me go?" But Grandmere just laughed in this scary way and said, "I have my ways." Boy, did I ever not hate her then." clarisse-renaldi humor mia-thermopolis Meg Cabot
925f225 When my mother passed away several years ago--well, wait a minute. Actually, she didn't 'pass away.' She died. Something about that verb, 'to pass away' always sounds to me as if someone just drifted through the wallpaper. No, my mother did not pass away. She definitely died. death euphemism humor Steve Allen
9207565 He is not a man wedded to action, Boleyn, but rather a man who stands by, smirking and stroking his beard; he thinks he looks enigmatic, but instead he looks as if he's pleasuring himself. humor Hilary Mantel
b0fd7fe America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaking helpings of disaster that no man or plan can prevent. humor Bill Maher
b103865 My Precioussss! -Gollum humor j-r-r-tolkien movie precious the-hobbit J.R.R. Tolkien
b1b2728 At the dealership, I pulled out the sieve and toyed with it threateningly. When the salesman was ready for me, I held it up, told him I was not a tourist and demanded a large discount. humor Tahir Shah
b24a778 Low ceiling, stone walls, a dirt floor stamped with paw prints. I never go in without announcing myself. 'Hyaa!' I yell. 'Hyaa. Hyaa!' It's the sound my father makes when entering his toolshed, the cry of cowboys as they round up dogies, and it suggests a certain degree of authority. Snakes, bats, weasels --it's time to head up and move on out. humor scared David Sedaris
b27a3ff "I do not expect Henrique Mauricio to conform to my standards of behavior," Alaric said. "I expect him not to do things that make me want to pound his face into a bloody pulp. Sadly, every time I meet him he fails to live up to this expectation." humor Meg Cabot
b29de03 "Ebenezar blinked . Then he turned his face to me his expression clearly asking whether or not I was out of my damned mind . "Wile E. Coyote" I said to him soberly . "Suuuuuuper Genius" humor Jim Butcher
b2a48d0 Have any sheep been seen walking out of the Library with seagoing adventurers clinging to their wool? humor witty Lindsey Davis
b37d8c6 "Murphy," I hissed. "Are you absolutely sure about this hair? That it belongs to Kravos?" If it didn't, the doll wouldn't do diddly to the sorcerer, unless I managed to throw it into his eye. "We're reasonably sure," she whispered, "yes." "Reasonably sure. Great." But I knelt down, and marked out the circle around me, then another around the Ken doll, and wrought my spell." humor Jim Butcher
8fec28f "Forgive my brother," Camira apologized. "We don't normally let him out of his cage when guests are present." funny funny-quotes humor laugh-out-loud Brandon Mull
d0f338e "They think I'm not entirely 'grounded in reality', they say. They want me to go to some live-in nerdy activity ranch thing for troubled Canadian youth, that one out in Ontario where you come back programmed like some robot, dressed in a tye-dyed shirt and eating tuna sandwiches," Mandy explained, a horrified look on her face. "You're eighteen, not twelve! Would they really send you to some rat's nest like that?" Wendy questioned in mock horror. "Aw hell no, if you get sent there, they'll make you hold hands and sing songs about caring! And they'll force you to recycle everything in blue canisters, and to discuss your emotions in front of groups of bratty little dopes!" "Dear god, they'll have geeky youth wiener roasts at night, and no locks on the doors!" Mandy added, eyes wide. "...It'll be the day pigs fly, my parents have the camp brochure on the fridge but they'll never go through with sending me there. They always forget." canada center coming-of-age family friendship humor locks nostalgia nova-scotia ontario pressure preteen rebel reprogramming self-help sleepaway straight-camp summer-camp teen troubled tuna-sandwich wiener-roast Rebecca McNutt
d11ab75 "The gym cat appears to those who will die. He is our totem." This thought came to me a few weeks ago. I shared it with no one of course." humor Joyce Carol Oates
d14cac7 No one, I fancy, would discredit a story that the Archbishop of Canterbury slipped on a banana skin merely because he found that a similar comic mishap had been reported of many people, and especially of elderly gentlemen of dignity. humor J.R.R. Tolkien
d1e8f95 "I had this guy's file pulled this morning, along with the rest of your neighbors. His name is Desperado." Pause. A few seconds passed. He was waiting for my reaction. "Did you say Desperado?" I couldn't stop the snort of laughter that bubbled to the surface. "Yeah," the Director confirmed. "He changed his name when he turned eighteen. It was Melvin." I was still laughing. "'Cause Desperado is so much better than Melvin." fantasy fiction humor joseph-carter keepers novella timeless-series tom-morris ya Laura Kreitzer
d35f8fe Captain Harcourt-Bruce was not only dashing, handsome, and brave, he was also rather romantic. The reappearance of magic in England thrilled him immensely. He was a great reader of the more exciting sort of history - and his head was full of ancient battles in which the English were outnumbered by the French and doomed to die, when all at once would be heard the sound of strange, unearthly music, and upon a hilltop would appear the Raven King in his tall, black helmet with it's mantling of raven-feathers streaming in the wind; he would gallop down the hillside on his tall, black horse with a hundred human knights and a hundred fairy knights at his back, and he would defeat the French by magic. That was Captain Harcourt-Bruce's idea of a magician. That was the sort of thing which he now expected to see reproduced on every battlefield on the Continent. So when he saw Mr Norrell in his drawing-room in Hanoversquare, and after he had sat and watched Mr Norrell peevishly complain to his footman, first that the cream in his tea was too creamy, and next that it was too watery - well, I shall not surprize you when I say he was somewhat disappointed. In fact he was so downcast by the whole undertaking that Admiral Paycocke, a bluff old gentleman, felt rather sorry for him and only had the heart to laugh at him and tease him very moderately about it. humor magic magician tea Susanna Clarke
8ed5d42 ... even though two decades and several years had gone by since [she] first decided to be a fairy, even though Lizabeth Kane now stood five feet six inches tall in her stocking feet, even though she was thirty two years old - she still had aspirations of growing up to be a fairy. humor Janet Evanovich
dd1660d "A diamond may be forever, but terrorism, promiscuously funded, will be too. Let's make the connection clearly by tracing the path of the diamond. Diamonds start out in the earth, and eventually that earth is part of a country, like Sierra Leone, Angola, or the Democratic Republic of Congo. In those countries, desperate battles for control have been going on for decades, and the armies that fight the battles finance their ambitions with diamonds. Villagers are forced to mine the diamonds by ruthless rebels who maintain order through terror: by raping women and hacking off the limbs of the children, something, by the way, you never see in the De Beers ads. The rebels then smuggle the diamonds into neighboring dictatorships in exchange for guns and cash. There the diamonds are sold to the highest bidder--whether they be terrorists or "legitimate" dealers--and finally they're laundered in Europe, shipped to America, and end up in jewelry stores where they're purchased by men and given to women in exchange for oral sex. In the feminized world we live in, it's practically national policy that women are more evolved that men--but if that's so, how come they're still so impressed by shiny objects?" humor war-on-terror women Bill Maher
7fde3bd My, my, aren't we upper class and therefore faultlessly grammatical. humor Sharon Green
e0204e9 Puddings, my dear sir?' cried Graham. Puddings. We trice 'em athwart the starboard gumbrils, when sailing by and large. humor jargon maturin nautical Patrick O'Brian
e25f441 "No," he said hoarsely, "the chair will do just fine, thank you." "If I know you are uncomfortable, I shan't be able to sleep." She sounded remarkably like a damsel in distress. Dunford shuddered. He had never been able to resist playing hero. Slowly he got to his feet and walked to the empty side of the bed. How bad could it be?" hero humor Julia Quinn
7b5a232 "A demigod?" I repeated like I'd just learned to speak a few seconds ago. "A real, live demigod?" "Opposed to a fake, dead one?" He chuckled, proud of himself, and then sighed when my eyes narrowed on him. "You used to have a sense of humor, Seth." humor sarcasm Jennifer L. Armentrout
e310155 Everything had been going so well, he'd had it really under his thumb these few centuries. That's how it goes, you think you're on top of the world, and suddenly they spring Armageddon on you. crowley humor Neil Gaiman
7b3d3c7 "I will leave the making of law to you, brother," Prince Baelon declared, "I would sooner make sons." crown-prince fire-and-blood humor jape making-law making-love targaryens George R.R. Martin
f96ea15 This 'web of discourses' as Robyn called it...is as much a biological product as any of the other constructions to be found in the animal world. (Clothes too, are part of the extended phenotype of Homo Sapiens almost every niche inhabited by that species.An illustrated encyclopedia of zoology should no more picture Homo Sapiens naked than it should picture Ursus arctus-the black bear- wearing a clown suit and riding a bicycle. dennett humor philosophy philosophy-of-mind science Daniel C. Dennett
f9817c6 What were you supposed to do, talking to a hologram of a dead man, when a younger version of that man was still alive? Should you offer condolences? Jordan decided that really wasn't necessary. holograms humor Margaret Peterson Haddix
f99a191 And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it's us against the world. cute humor real-time-with-bill-maher Bill Maher
fb9e02d "I don't know what you mean by 'glory,' " Alice said. Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't--till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!' " "But 'glory' doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument'," Alice objected. "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in rather a scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean--neither more nor less." humor humpty-dumpty Lewis Carroll
79a116b Somehow it seems to fill my head with ideas--only I don't exactly know what they are! confusion humor jargon writing Lewis Carroll
fce676c "Nora was eating a piece of cold duck with one hand and working on a jig-saw puzzle with the other when I got home. "I thought you'd gone to live with her," she said. "You used to be a detective: find me a brownish piece shaped something like a snail with a long neck." "Piece of duck or puzzle?..." humor puzzles Dashiell Hammett
cde214a Crazy people who are judged to be harmless are allowed an enormous amount of freedom ordinary people are denied freedom humor identity Katherine Paterson
45e7f97 Even though we'd never met, imagining being dumped by Gene made me want to die. What was the point of going out with someone? What was the point of falling in love? The whole thing was enough to make me wish I'd been born in one of those countries where they still have arranged marriages. I mean, okay, yes, it would certainly suck not being allowed to drive or vote and having to ask a man's permission to leave the house. But at least you wouldn't have to worry about being dumped. humor romance Melissa Kantor
3ed41ea "Rachel got up and did this happy little shuffle, like she was some cheerful farmer chick who'd just stepped outside to find the hick she was in love with coming up the road with a calf under his arm or whatever. dancing happiness humor George Saunders
2d2cd59 "Key Rabbit, allow me to bore you with a comparison of your wife and a beautiful woman," I said. "In the morning a beauty must lie in bed for three or four hours gathering strength for another mighty battle with Nature. Then, after being bathed and toweled by her maids, she loosens her hair in the Cascade of Teasing Willows Style, paints her eyebrows in the Distant Mountain Range Style, anoints herself with the Nine Bends of the River Diving-water Perfume, applies rouge, mascara, and eye shadow, and covers the whole works with a good two inches of the Powder of the Nonchalant Approach. Then she dresses in a plum-blossom patterned tunic with matching skirt and stockings, adds four or five pounds of jewelry, looks in the mirror for any visible sign of humanity and is relieved to find none, checks her makeup to be sure that it has hardened into an immovable mask, sprinkles herself with the Hundred Ingredients Perfume of the Heavenly Spirits who Descended in the Rain Shower, and minces with tiny steps toward the new day. Which, like any other day, will consist of gossip and giggles." beauty-queens humor Barry Hughart
6f7da30 "She saw Derek and without so much as a hello, leaned to look behind him. She glared up at Derek. "Where'd you leave him?" "Passed out in an alley." Derek frowned in thought. I said as Tori sputtered. " derek humor tori where-is-simon Kelley Armstrong
a8732cd At the departure gate, a drunken airport security woman was handing out box cutters to the passengers. drunkenness humor security Warren Ellis
4dd3a58 "Of course, we in the West like to pat ourselves on the back and say we're more tolerant, and we are--but tolerance is not the same thing as acceptance. It just means, "We think you're crazy and going to hell, but we won't kill you for it--we'll you. But you don't know who the Man in the Sky is, and we do." humor religion religious-tolerance tolerance Bill Maher
c5409f9 The brontosaurus had thirty-ton body and a two-ounce brain. The anatosaurus had two thousand teeth. Triceratops had a helmet of filled bone seven feet long. Tyrannosaurus rex had tiny arms and teeth like six-inch razors and it was elected President. It ate everything--dead meat, living meat, old bones-- humor politics John Updike
cc8b5e7 "... zebra crossings were rather like Bosnia's "safe zones": places where, if you die, you may simply die with the knowledge that your killer was in the wrong." humor pedestrian Lucy Wadham
0f46af0 "From that original colony sprang seven names that still feature on the landscape: Roanoke (which has the distinction of being the first Indian word borrowed by English settlers), Cape Fear, Cape Hatteras, the Chowan and Neuse Rivers, Chesapeake, and Virginia. (Previously, Virginia had been called Windgancon, meaning "what gay clothes you wear" - apparently what the locals had replied when an early reconnoitering party had asked the place's name.)" humor language Bill Bryson
71360fa Why was it, she sometimes wondered, that in dreams we can't do the simplest things? Like a crying puppy is standing on some broken glass and you want to pick it up and brush the shards off its pads but you can't because you're balancing a ball on your head. Or you're driving and there's this old guy on crutches and you go, to Mr. Feder, your Driver's Ed teacher, Should I swerve? And he's like, Uh, probably. But then you hear this big clunk and Feder makes a negative mark in his book. humor George Saunders
4f641c1 The Count was Prince Humperdink's only confidant. His last name was Rugen, but no one needed to use it - he was the only Count in the country, the title having been bestowed by the Prince as a birthday present some years before, the happening taking place, naturally, at one of the Countess' parties. humor William Goldman
cc24819 I could croak with no warning, and the only tragedy anyone would experience would be showing up on the last day of my estate sale simply to discover that all remaining items had copious amounts of dog hair on them. death dogs humor Laurie Notaro
3eb4dcd "I'll meet you tomorrow morning at ten in your office, and explain everything. In the meantime, go home and get some sleep." "I have a meeting with McConnell and Baroja tomorrow at ten A.M. to review some procedures," he said. Now, that was the J.B. I knew. Never mind the demon attack; procedures needed reviewing." -- demons humor paranormal Christina Henry
12c4454 "The King's Hand should have a hand," the Hand said "I will not have men speaking of the King's Stump" humor jape king kingdom George R.R. Martin
72e2f3f "In lieu of Tasers, you'll have to hit me. Hard as you can. Then maybe some kind of fight-or-flight response will kick in and I'll turn into a bat to get away from you." "Fight or flight." "Yes." "Only half of that is flight." humor humour paranormal supernatural transformation vampires Adam Rex
95dbb45 ,' he said. You had to wonder about the French, how they could make a simple 'sorry' sound so extreme and forlorn. forlorn french humor language sorry Kate Atkinson
c5eaba2 Hi, you've reached Caitlin! I'm either on the other line or I'm purposely ignoring you. Or maybe Mrs. Mitchell confiscated my phone for texting in class again... Leave a message and if I deem you worthy, or at least hot, I'll call you back. Mwah! friendship humor mari-mancusi nice-voicemail scorched voicemail Mari Mancusi
276c4a7 "It is hardly lonely in a nunnery, son, with other women. And God is there." Morgause said, "I would rather dwell in a hermitage in the forest than in a house full of chattering ladies! If God is there, it must be hard for him to get a word in edgewise!" humor nuns women Marion Zimmer Bradley
2a24cf4 We took up a collection and sent a telegram to the authorities of that town. The text of the message was that eighty-five healthy, hungry hoboes would arrive about noon and that it would be a good idea to have dinner ready for them. humor Jack London
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