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Link Quote Stars Tags Author
bb3c288 "I like to see an angry Englishman," said Poirot. "They are very amusing. The more emotional they feel the less command they have of language." humor englishman language Agatha Christie
7398a96 Man, it was a good thing vampires didn't get cancer. Lately he'd been chain-smoking like a felon. humor life cancer smoking J.R. Ward
3f8f03d I hit him on the back of the neck. He submerged. humor tub magic-strikes ilona-andrews kate drowning Ilona Andrews
3063015 Dogs are here to remind us life really is a simple thing. You eat, sleep, take walks, and pee when you must. That's about all there is. They are quick to forgive trespasses and assume strangers will be kind. humor life Jonathan Carroll
0d91ffd "Small men oft feel a need to prove their courage with unseemly boasts," he declared. "I doubt if he could kill a duck." Tyrion shrugged. "Fetch the duck." dance courage funny humor small martin prove soiaf tyrion duck dragons kill George R.R. Martin
fcb3b3a "Miss Bridgerton," he said, "the devil himself couldn't scare you." She forced her eyes to meet his. "That's not a compliment, is it?" He lifted her hand to his lips, brushing a feather-light kiss across her knuckles. "You'll have to figure that out for yourself," he murmured. To all who observed, he was the soul of propriety, but Hyacinth caught the daring gleam in his eye, and she felt the breath leave her body as tingles of electricity rushed across her skin. Her lips parted, but she had nothing to say, not a single word. There was nothing but air, and even that seemed in short supply. And then he straightened as if nothing had happened and said, "Do let me know what you decide." She just stared at him. "About the compliment," he added. "I am sure you will wish to let me know how I feel about you." Her mouth fell open. He smiled. Broadly. "Speechless, even. I'm to be commended." "You--" "No. No," he said, lifting one hand in the air and pointing toward her as if what he really wanted to do was place his finger on her lips and shush her. "Don't ruin it. The moment is too rare." romance humor Julia Quinn
0f385ea "When she brought Mira up, Eve gave Roarke another glance. "Don't talk to him," she warned. "He can get bitchy when he's in this deep. I don't know if we have any of that tea stuff." "I had it stocked, and I don't get bitchy. Bloody, buggering HELL." Eve just rolled her eyes and got the tea." humor roarke J.D. Robb
73a7a5d "So I am death" Charlie said then turned to his daughter while buttering his toast. "This is death toast sweety." humor Christopher Moore
76961f5 "Eve, did you marry me for my money?" "You bet your ass. And you'd better hold on to it, or I'm history" "It's very sweet of you to say so." humor roarke J.D. Robb
4a8b201 "I do not think you are in any danger of starving," Maximus said. "The surgeon said only two weeks ago that you are too fat." "The devil!" Berkley said indignantly, sitting up; and Maximus snorted in amusement at having provoked him." humor dragon fat Naomi Novik
9a046ae At the end of the warehouse was a dais constructed from pallets of books: stack of vampire novels, walls of James Patterson thrillers, and a throne from about a thousand copies of something called . humor the-son-of-neptune heroes-of-olympus percy-jackson-and-the-olympians Rick Riordan
bceeade "[Caine] "Interesting. Me, I've always wanted to know who my real parents were." [Sam] "Let me guess: you're secretly a wizard who was raised by muggles." identity humor harry-potter-related muggles Michael Grant
96e0e0b "I nodded, disappointed, but then I got an idea. "Hey, Grover. You want a magic item?" His eyes lit up. "Me?" Pretty soon we'd laced the sneakers over his fake feet, and the world's first flying goat boy was ready for launch. " " he shouted. He got off the ground okay, but then fell over sideways so his backpack dragged through the grass. The winged shoes kept bucking up and down like tiny broncos. "Practice," Chiron called after him. "You just need practice!" "Aaaaa!" Grover went flying sideways down the hill like a possessed lawn mower, heading toward the van." humor launch Rick Riordan
59033c8 Here's to another year and let's hope it's above ground. living humor Carol Shields
68d4069 "[Eric:] "I'm hoping that the more you see me, the more I'll grow on you." [Sookie:] "Like a fungus?" -- humor sookie-eric sookie-stackhouse Charlaine Harris
ff6d9a4 Don't think about it. Don't think about what could have been. It's too unbearable. humor life Sophie Kinsella
e42b924 Tori joined us for dinner --in body, at least. She spent the meal practicing for a role in the next zombie movie, expressionless, methodically moving fork to mouth, sometimes even with food on it. humor tori summoning Kelley Armstrong
49f2bf8 ...hanging out does not make one an artist. A secondhand wardrobe does not make one an artist. Neither do a hair-trigger temper, melancholic nature, propensity for tears, hating your parents, nor even HIV - I hate to say it - none of these make one an artist. They can help, but just as being gay does not make one witty (you can suck a mile of cock, as my friend Sarah Thyre puts it, it still won't make you Oscar Wilde, believe me), the only thing that makes one an artist is making art. And that requires the precise opposite of hanging out; a deeply lonely and unglamorous task of tolerating oneself long enough to push something out. artists writing humor wilde rent writers David Rakoff
caaac2a As for hearing, the sloth is not so much deaf as uninterested in sound. humor senses Yann Martel
15f624a Actually, I was prone to random acts of stupidity. I considered it to be one of my talents. stupidity humor talents Jennifer L. Armentrout
0d832be They don't make morgues with windows. In fact, if the geography allows for it, they hardly ever make morgues above the ground. I guess it's partly because it must be eisier to refrigerate a bunch of coffin-sized chambers in a room insulated by the earth. But that can't be all there is to it. Under the earth means a lot more than relative altitude. It's where dead things fit. Graves are under the earth. So are Hell, Gehenna, Hades, and a dozen other reported afterlives. Maybe it says somthing about people. Maybe for us, under the earth is a subtle and profound statement. Maybe ground level provides us with a kind of symbolic boundary marker, an artificial construct that helps us remember that we are alive. Mabye it helps us push death's shadow back from our lives. I live in a basement apartment and like it. What does that say about me? Probably that I overanalyze things. humor harry-dresden Jim Butcher
8dd0853 But you have to understand, mental illness is like cholesterol. There is is good kind and the bad. Without the good kind- less flavor to life. Van Gogh, Beethoven, Edgar Allen Poe, Sylvia Plath, Pink Floyd (the early Piper at the Gates of Dawn line up), scientific breakthroughs, spiritual revolution, utopian visions, zany nationalism that kills millions- wait, that's the bad kind. Tim Dorsey (Hurricane Punch) humor serge serial-killer witty Tim Dorsey
f7303e3 "He talks pretty big for a gutter wizard," he muttered. "You don't understand at all," said the wizard wearily. "I'm so scared of you my spine has turned to jelly, it's just that I'm suffering from an overdose of terror right now. I mean, when I've got over that then I'll have time to be decently frightened of you." humor fright rincewind Terry Pratchett
e3f4b15 Well, Diotallevi and I are planning a reform in higher education. A School of Comparative Irrelevance, where useless or impossibe courses are given. The school's aim is to turn out scholars capable of endlessly increasing the number of unnecessary subjects. humor nonsense Umberto Eco
7582876 Probably the last man who knew how it worked had been tortured to death years before. Or as soon as it was installed. Killing the creator was a traditional method of patent protection. humor Terry Pratchett
9c5126f "Mr. Satterthwaite looked cheered. Suddenly an idea struck him. His jaw fell. "My goodness," he cried, "I've only just realized it! That rascal, with his poisoned cocktail! Anyone might have drunk it! It might have been me!" "There is an even more terrible possibility that you have not considered," said Poirot. "Eh?" "It might have been me," said Hercule Poirot." humor poirot hercule-poirot mystery poison Agatha Christie
c330ed8 May the IRS find that you deduct your pet sheep as an entertainment expense. insult humor malediction irs Christopher Moore
d312a09 "Could I have a Sloe Gin Fizz, without the gin?" "What's the point of that, Miss?" the waiter said. "Tomorrow morning," Mabel said." humor Libba Bray
3cce926 A knavish speech sleeps in a fool's ear. humor intelligence wisdom ignorance William Shakespeare
c815a07 "A knock came at the door. Everyone looked up. Elena's nostrils flared and she leaned over to whisper something to Clay. "Fuck," he muttered. "Keep talking, Jaime. It's only Cassandra. She can wait. Forever, if we're lucky." "I heard that, Clayton," Cassandra said as she walked in. "Who the hell forgot to lock the door?" Clay said. "You were the last one in," Elena murmured. "Damn." humor mistrust Kelley Armstrong
8a0041d Please go to this pizzeria. Order the margherita pizza with double mozzarella. If you do not eat this pizza when you are in Naples, please lie to me and tell me that you did. humor Elizabeth Gilbert
949e07e Had I ever been so terrified? Perhaps when Typhon raged across the earth, scattering the gods before him. Perhaps when Gaea unleashed her giants to tear down Olympus. Or perhaps when I accidentally saw Ares naked in the gymnasium. That had been enough to turn my hair white for a century. humor Rick Riordan
2afcd97 "The Beast Lord walked out of the warehouse. The screen went dark. My knight in furry armor. Saiman opened his mouth. "This is why I didn't. Personally, I think your smile is inappropriate." humor curran kate Ilona Andrews
7c6dec0 "And the seventh hero...Leo Valdez?" Nico raised his eyebrows. "You remember his name?" "Of course! He invented the Valdezinator. Oh, what a musical instrument! I barely had time to master its major scales before Zeus zapped me at the Parthenon. If anyone could help me, it would be Leo Valdez." humor valdezinator leo-valdez Rick Riordan
44b64ff "Can't you home school me?" Nate pleaded. "You would never do any work." (Nate's mom) "Sounds perfect!" humor Brandon Mull
076f0f0 "Is there some kind of rule for when Sam should be a boy and when he's a Wolf?" "A Wolf lifts his leg and yellows up the snow. A boy has to use the toilet." "And that will work?" "Only if he needs to pee." humor wolfs Anne Bishop
e1fcc3e "Look, he isn't even concerned." I poured the tea. "He's concerned, Mother. He just doesn't panic, because he's in charge and if he panics, everybody else will panic." "I can jog around the room pretending to scream if you would like," Jim offered." humor don-t-panic jim Ilona Andrews
fdb6aa6 "I gave him my Order smile: sweet grin, hard eyes, reached over to my passenger seat, and pulled out my submachine gun. About twenty-seven inches long, the HK was my favorite toy for close-quarters combat. The rider's eyes went wide. "This is an HK UMP submachine gun. Renowned for its stopping power and reliability. Cyclic rate of fire: eight hundred rounds per minute. That means I can empty this thirty-round clip into you in less than three seconds. At this range, I'll cut you in half." It wasn't strictly true but it sounded good. "You see what it says on the barrel?" On the barrel, pretty white letters spelled out PARTY STARTER." humor Ilona Andrews
c4f0ee7 "Wroth, darling," she purred, smiling so sweetly. "I can't wait for the next time I get to put my mouth on you." In an instant the smile faded and she snapped her teeth and yanked her head back as if she was chewing something free." humorous humor Kresley Cole
f2ef5f3 There's a friendly tie of some sort between music and eating. music humor Thomas Hardy
657f304 "When they ran up to him, Percy said, 'Hey,' like they were just meeting for lunch or something. 'You're alive!' Frank marveled. Percy frowned. 'The fall? That was nothing. I fell twice that far from the St. Louis Arch.' humor percy hazel Rick Riordan
ec29ca0 It's not easy remembering the good times. memories past humor love remembered Cecelia Ahern
1904688 It turns out that Molly wasn't her mother's daughter in that respect. Charity was like the MacGuyver of the kitchen. She could whip up a five-course meal for twelve from an egg, two spaghetti noodles, some household chemicals, and a stick of chewing gum. Molly ... Molly once burned my egg. My boiled egg. I don't know how. humor domesticity dresden-files Jim Butcher
32e36be "Amelie said, "I won't be your servant in Morganville. Nor should you be mine. Equals." She offered her hand to him, and he looked down at it, clearly taken aback. But he took it. "Now defend what is ours, my partner." He grinned ... grinned! ... and whirled to meet Myrnin in midleap as Myrnin attacked." funny humor eve-rosser myrnin michael-glass ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine shane-collins vampire vampires Rachel Caine
894f902 I kept a straight face while my inner Neanderthal spluttered and then went on a mental rampage through a hypothetical produce section, knocking over shelves and spattering fruit everywhere in sheer frustration, screaming, 'JUST TELL ME WHOSE SKULL TO CRACK WITH MY CLUB, DAMMIT! rage humor Jim Butcher
8632e1b Because . . . most of us think that the point is something to do with work, or kids, or family, or whatever. But you don't have any of that. There's nothing between you and despair, and you don't seem a very desperate person.' 'Too stupid.' 'You're not stupid. So why don't you ever put your head in the oven?' 'I don't know. There's always a new Nirvana album to look forward to, or something happening in NYPD Blue to make you want to watch the next episode.' 'Exactly.' 'That's the point? NYPD Blue? Jesus.' It was worse than he thought. 'No, no. The point is you keep going. You want to. So all the things that make you want to are the point. I don't know if you even realize it, but on the quiet you don't think life's too bad. You love things. Telly. Music. Food. suicide life-lessons humor simplicity Nick Hornby
97c5d3f Big lots,' I said, seeing the eighty-year-old oaks and shady lawns. The houses were set way back and had iron fences and stone drives. The harder to hear your neighbors scream, my dear,' was David's answer, and I sent my head up and down in agreement. romance humor rachel-morgan vampire supernatural Kim Harrison
419d11c "You take I-55 south, and you'll run into I-20. Or you could take..." I was about to be overloaded with information. "Oh that sounds just perfect. Let me do just that, or I'll lose track." Sure, glad I could help." Oh, you surely did." We beamed at each other, just two nice women. I had to fight an impulse to say "I have a tortured vampire in my trunk," out of sheer giddiness." humor Charlaine Harris
1707ddb "Beatrix," Amelia said over her shoulder as they proceeded through the hallway. "Perhaps you should reconsider your attire. Poor Captain Phelan may find it somewhat shocking." "But he's already seen me like this," came Beatrix's voice from behind Christopher, "and I've already shocked him. What is the point in changing clothes? Captain, would you feel more comfortable if I took my breeches off?" "No," he said hastily. "Good, I'll keep them on. Really, I don't see why women shouldn't dress like this all the time. One can walk freely and even leap. How is one to chase after a goat in skirts?" humor hathaways Lisa Kleypas
4e37061 NEVER INTERFERE WITH MELENGAR AGAIN BY ORDER OF THE KING ... AND US humor Michael J. Sullivan
2f108fe "He stepped aside, allowing me back into the hallway. As we headed to another elevator, he was glued to my hip. "As close as you're riding me, man, I feel like I need to take you out to dinner or something. At least I should get your name." humor daemon-black-pov Jennifer L. Armentrout
14d968e And I find chopsticks frankly distressing. Am I alone in thinking it odd that a people ingenious enough to invent paper, gunpowder, kites and any number of other useful objects, and who have a noble history extending back 3,000 years haven't yet worked out that a pair of knitting needles is no way to capture food? humor Bill Bryson
be1e4aa You're a fine fastidious young man, as proud as a lion, as gentle as a girl. You'd make a good catch for the devil. humor coolness eloquence swagger Honoré de Balzac
3473986 Laboring through a world every day more stultified, which expected salvation in codes and governments, ever more willing to settle for suburban narratives and diminished payoffs--what were the chances of finding anyone else seeking to transcend that, and not even particularly aware of it? science humor inspirational Thomas Pynchon
5f9b64f "He swallowed. "Have you no modesty?" Never in his life had he encountered a female so quick to be naked. Of course, he'd never in his life encountered a female who should so utterly be naked at any chance." humorous humor flirty Kresley Cole
37de017 In the old legends, Arachne had gotten into trouble because of pride. She'd bragged about her tapestries being better than Athena's, which had led to Mount Olympus's first reality TV punishment program: 'So You Think You Can Weave Better Than a Goddess?' Arachne had lost in a big way. funny humor athena wicked lol Rick Riordan
88448d8 The coldest depth of Hell is reserved for people who abandon kittens. funny humor kittens Robert A. Heinlein
f43962c She had wailed loudly enough to wake the dead and make them call the cops. humor kate-daniels Ilona Andrews
47b1dcc "I don't believe him," said Hermione in a very unsteady voice, the moment they were out of earshot of Hagrid. "I don't believe him. I don't believe him. . . ." "Calm down," said Harry. "Calm down!" she said feverishly. "A giant! A giant in the forest! And we're supposed to give him English lessons! Always assuming, of course, we can get past the herd of murderous centaurs on the way in and out! I -- don't -- -- him!" humor centaurs duty promises J.K. Rowling
61535ae Ford Prefect suppressed a little giggle of evil satisfaction, realized that he had no reason to suppress it, and laughed out loud, a wicked laugh. humor laugh Douglas Adams
ebd6080 I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it. politics humor society Bill Maher
cb767f6 "Maybe," he said in a slow, rural drawl, "you could explain to me why I found you in the middle of an orgy." "Well," I said, "if you're going to be in an orgy, the middle is the best spot, isn't it." humor orgy sarcasm Jim Butcher
f7de6a3 Do you have a little white dress? I've had this deep-seated nurse fantasy about you, Murphy. women humor karrin-murphy Jim Butcher
ba65240 "I lean back. "What the hell are you doing?" "What do you mean?" she asks, innocently batting her eyelashes against the hot sun beaming down on us. Is she kidding me? "Where's you toungue?" I ask stupidly. Her wet little eyebrows furrow. "In my mouth. Why, where's it supposed to be?" humor maggie-armstrong Simone Elkeles
240f190 It isn't often that Aunt Dahlia lets her angry passions rise, but when she does, strong men climb trees and pull them up after them. humor fearsomeness fury P.G. Wodehouse
4e760f8 It struck Mort with sudden, terrible poignancy that Death must be the loneliest creature in the universe. In the great party of Creation, he was always in the kitchen. death humor Terry Pratchett
eed5be2 Now, there is a tendency at a point like this to look over one's shoulder at the cover artist and start going on at length about leather, tightboots and naked blades. Words like 'full', 'round' and even 'pert' creep into the narrative, until the writer has to go and have a cold shower and a lie down. Which is all rather silly, because any woman setting out to make a living by the sword isn't about to go around looking like something off the cover of the more advanced kind of lingerie catalogue for the specialized buyer. Oh well, all right. The point that must be made is that although Herrena the Henna-Haired Harridan would look quite stunning after a good bath, a heavy-duty manicure, and the pick of the leather racks in Woo Hun Ling's Oriental Exotica and Martial Aids on Heroes Street, she was currently quite sensibly dressed in light chain mail, soft boots, and a short sword. All right, maybe the boots were leather. But not black. women fantasy humor Terry Pratchett
ab03a83 Taxation, gentlemen, is very much like dairy farming. The task is to extract the maximum amount of milk with the minimum amount of moo. humor Terry Pratchett
340d3a1 Girls with their legs crossed, girls with their legs not crossed, girls with terrific legs, girls with lousy legs, girls that looked like swell girls, girls that looked like they'd be bitches if you knew them... You figured most of them would probably marry dopey guys. Guys that always talk about how many miles they get to a gallon in their goddam cars. Guys that get sore and childish as hell if you beat them at golf, or even just some stupid game like ping-pong. Guys that are very mean. Guys that never read books. Guys that are very boring. humor holden-caulfield guys J.D. Salinger
3b83588 To call that writing, madam, is an insult to quills and ink across the world. humor penmanship Julia Quinn
7792d99 Darkness was cheap, and Scrooge liked it. humor Charles Dickens
a28591f The only moral it is possible to draw from this story is that one should never throw the Q letter into a privet bush, but unfortunately there are times when it is unavoidable. humor philosophy hitchihikers Douglas Adams
c1e02e4 The ideas of debtor and creditor as to what constitutes a good time never coincide. money humor economics P.G. Wodehouse
f9a7693 "She can't afford to commit more troops,' Holly whispered. 'The gate is her priority, and she needs to have as many Berserkers watching her back as possible. We are secondary at this point.' humor captain-short secondary holly-short eoin-colfer eight series Eoin Colfer
f9a29a1 "Lowering my chin, I sighed. What my Seth wanted, I wanted, but... daimons? I rubbed my hands on my bent knees and sighed again - louder, like a petulant child. Aiden's back twisted as he turned his head. "What, Alex?" "Nothing," I mumbled. "There's something." He leaned back, tipping his head against the bar. "You have that tone." I frowned at the wall. "What tone?" "The 'I have something I want to say but I shouldn't' tone" A little bit of humor seeped into his voice. "I'm well familiar with it." Well... damn." humor alex Jennifer L. Armentrout
98aaa73 Parvati positively beamed. Harry could tell that she was feeling guilty for having laughed at Hermione in Transfiguration. He looked around and saw that Hermione was beaming back, if possible even more brightly. Girls were very strange sometimes. harry-potter humor hermione parvati girls J.K. Rowling
3b983c9 "One of Renee's friends asked her, "Does your boyfriend wear glasses?" She said, "No, he wears a Walkman." music humor love music-lover walkman Rob Sheffield
d7ea681 "There wasn't a colloquial phrase, or curse, that went something like, "May your day be full of angry dragons" or, "May every dragon you meet today be pissed off." But, there should have been." fantasy humor Michelle Sagara
3d9dff6 I can't go back because I lost all my Soul Reaper powers! - Rukia You lost your powers? What are they, socks? - Ichigo humor Tite Kubo
acee60a "You can go back to blacksmithing in Hintindar and live a quiet happy life. Do me a favor and marry some pretty farm girl and train your son to beat the crap out of imperial knights." "Sure," Hadrian told him. "And with any luck he'll make friends with a cynical burglar who'll do nothing but torment him." humor hadrian royce Michael J. Sullivan
8ea267b Was this some new level of depravity? Had he developed a spinster fetish? romance humor Lisa Kleypas
87d4f9b "I'm never going to believe a Poirot mystery again. Never. All those witnesses going, "Yes, I remember it was 3:06 p.m. exactly, because I glanced at the clock as I reached for the sugar tongs, and Lady Favisham was quite clearly sitting on the right-hand side of the fireplace." Bollocks. They have no idea where Lady Favisham was, they just don't want to admit it in front of Poirot. I'm amazed he gets anywhere." humor poirot Sophie Kinsella
df5841b You can't possibly ask me to go without having some dinner. It's absurd. I never go without my dinner. No one ever does, except vegetarians and people like that. humor vegetarianism Oscar Wilde
f89b91a "While Coach Hedge was having dinner on the foredeck, a wild pegasus appeared from nowhere,stampeded over the coach's enchiladas, and flew off again, leaving cheesy hoof prints all across the deck. "What was that for?" the coach demanded." humor pegasus coach Rick Riordan
9b2043a I was just struggling with my inner vachette and pondering the depths of my own inhumanity. humor ponder guilt David Sedaris
c3b09bb "Ginny, listen . . . I can't be involved with you anymore. We've got to stop seeing each other. We can't be together." "It's for some stupid, noble reason, isn't it?" humor noble J.K. Rowling
54760d3 "The security officer smiled and said, 'Good afternoon, ma'am,' to me before I gave him ID." "It's a sick world, Eve." He resisted taking her hand for another squeeze. "A sick, sad world." humor j-d-robb eve-dallas roarke j.d. robb
233a158 "You'll be seeing him tomorrow night, anyway." "I am?" Hyacinth asked, at precisely the moment Mr. St. Clair said, "She will?" "You're accompanying me to the Pleinsworth poetry reading," Lady D told her grandson. "Or have you forgotten?" Hyacinth sat back, enjoying the sight of Gareth St. Clair's mouth opening and closing in obvious distress. He looked a bit like a fish, she decided. A fish with the features of a Greek god, but still, a fish. "I really..." he said. "That is to say, I can't--" "You can, and you will be there," Lady D said. "You promised." He regarded her with a stern expression. "I cannot imagine--" "Well, if you didn't promise, you should have done, and if you love me..." Hyacinth coughed to cover her laugh, then tried not to smirk when Mr. St. Clair shot a dirty look in her direction. "When I die," he said, "surely my epitaph will read, 'He loved his grandmother when no one else would.'" "And what's wrong with that?" Lady Danbury asked." humor Julia Quinn
f5e69ff Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom. religion humor Bill Maher
b8269f6 How would this do: and they all settled down and lived together happily ever after?' 'It will do well, if it ever comes to that,' said Frodo. 'Ah!' said Sam. 'And where will they live? That's what I often wonder. humor sam-gamgee J.R.R. Tolkien
1e2dff7 "Huxley: "Tell me something Bryce, do you know the difference between a Jersey, a Guernsey, a Holstein, and an Ayershire?" Bryce: "No." Huxley: "Seabags Brown does." Bryce: "I don't see what that has to do..." Huxley: "What do you know about Gaelic history?" Bryce: "Not much." Huxley: "Then why don't you sit down one day with Gunner McQuade. He is an expert. Speaks the language, too." Bryce: "I don't..." Huxley: " What do you know about astronomy?" Bryce: "A little." Huxley: "Discuss it with Wellman, he held a fellowship." Bryce: "This is most puzzling." Huxley: "What about Homer, ever read Homer?" Bryce: "Of course I've read Homer." Huxley: "In the original Greek?" Bryce: "No" Huxley: "Then chat with Pfc. Hodgkiss. Loves to read the ancient Greek." Bryce: "Would you kindly get to the point?" Huxley: "The point is this, Bryce. What makes you think you are so goddam superior? Who gave you the bright idea that you had a corner on the world's knowledge? There are privates in this battalion who can piss more brains down a slit trench then you'll ever have. You're the most pretentious, egotistical individual I've ever encountered. Your superiority complex reeks. I've seen the way you treat men, like a big strutting peacock. Why, you've had them do everything but wipe your ass." humor marine-corps superior ego Leon Uris
025a6e4 He reached up t0 grab one and came down with several, and they kept coming, washing over him, floating all around him. Never have tampon strings seemed so beautiful as they rolled up and down with the wind, landing on the ground and then twirling and floating up again, falling and rising and falling and rising. humor John Green
a4fd1db I pray. I go to mass. I even remember to respect my elders and help little old ladies across the street. What the hell did I do to deserve this? humor Lora Leigh
16b486e "First of all, this goes no further than this room." "Agreed," she said quickly. Anthony looked pointedly at Simon. "Of course," he replied. "Mother would be devastated if she learned the truth." "Actually," Simon murmured, "I rather think your mother would applaud our ingenuity, but since you have quite obviously known her longer, I bow to your discretion." Anthony shot him a frosty look. "Second, under no circumstances are the two of you to be alone together. Ever." "Well, that should be easy," Daphne said, "as we wouldn't be allowed to be alone if we were courting in truth, anyway." Simon recalled their brief interlude in the hall at Lady Danbury's house, and found it a pity that he wasn't to be allowed any more private time with Daphne, but he recognized a brick wall when he saw one, especially when said wall happened to be named Anthony Bridgerton. So he just nodded and murmured his assent. "Third--" "There is a third?" Daphne asked. "There would be thirty if I could think of them," Anthony growled. "Very well," she acceded, looking most aggrieved. "If you must." humor conditions Julia Quinn
69aa146 It turns out that one can perpetrate all manner of heinous villainy under a cloak of courtesy and good cheer. . .a man will forfeit all sensible self-interest if he finds you affable enough to share your company over a flagon of ale. humor Christopher Moore
5b7a89b Any civilization where the main symbol of religious veneration is a tool of execution is a bad place to have children. religion humor Charles Stross
63e1b80 The fact is that camels are far more intelligent than dolphins. They are so much brighter that they soon realised that the most prudent thing any intelligent animal can do, if it would prefer its descendants not to spend a lot of time on a slab with electrodes clamped to their brains or sticking mines on the bottom of ships or being patronized rigid by zoologists, is to make bloody certain humans don't find out about it. So they long ago plumped for a lifestyle that, in return for a certain amount of porterage and being prodded with sticks, allowed them adequate food and grooming and the chance to spit in a human's eye and get away with it. humor dolphins hitchhiker-s-guide-to-the-galaxy pratchett pyramids Terry Pratchett
67c3796 A lot of the nonsense was the innocent result of playfulness on the part of the founding fathers of the nation of Dwayne Hoover and Kilgore Trout. The founders were aristocrats, and they wished to show off their useless eduction, which consisted of the study of hocus-pocus from ancient times. They were bum poets as well. But some of the nonsense was evil, since it concealed great crime. For example, teachers of children in the United States of America wrote this date on blackboards again and again, and asked the children to memorize it with pride and joy: 1492 The teachers told the children that this was when their continent was discovered by human beings. Actually, millions of human beings were already living full and imaginative lives on the continent in 1492. That was simply the year in which sea pirates began to cheat and rob and kill them. Here was another piece of nonsense which children were taught: that the sea pirates eventually created a government which became a beacon of freedom of human beings everywhere else. There were pictures and statues of this supposed imaginary beacon for children to see. It was sort of ice-cream cone on fire. It looked like this: [image] Actually, the sea pirates who had the most to do with the creation of the new government owned human slaves. They used human beings for machinery, and, even after slavery was eliminated, because it was so embarrassing, they and their descendants continued to think of ordinary human beings as machines. The sea pirates were white. The people who were already on the continent when the pirates arrived were copper-colored. When slavery was introduced onto the continent, the slaves were black. Color was everything. Here is how the pirates were able to take whatever they wanted from anybody else: they had the best boats in the world, and they were meaner than anybody else, and they had gunpowder, which is a mixture of potassium nitrate, charcoal, and sulphur. They touched the seemingly listless powder with fire, and it turned violently into gas. This gas blew projectiles out of metal tubes at terrific velocities. The projectiles cut through meat and bone very easily; so the pirates could wreck the wiring or the bellows or the plumbing of a stubborn human being, even when he was far, far away. The chief weapon of the sea pirates, however, was their capacity to astonish. Nobody else could believe, until it was much too late, how heartless and greedy they were. history humor Kurt Vonnegut
8d9b95b "Unicorns," I said. "Very dangerous. You go first." humor unicorns Jim Butcher
2f53396 "JP shouted, "TELL THEM WHAT YOU JUST DID TO EACH OTHER!" "Um," I said. "We kissed," the Duke said. "That's kinda gay," Keun said. "I AM A GIRL." "Yeah, I know, but so is Tobin," Keun said." humor John Green
25bceb6 Jon: Have you seen the wall? | Sam: I'm fat, not blind. humor sight fat George R.R. Martin
5e2a03c "If you've spent any time trolling the blogosphere, you've probably noticed a peculiar literary trend: the pervasive habit of writers inexplicably placing exclamation points at the end of otherwise unremarkable sentences. Sort of like this! This is done to suggest an ironic detachment from the writing of an expository sentence! It's supposed to signify that the writer is self-aware! And this is idiotic. It's the saddest kind of failure. F. Scott Fitzgerald believed inserting exclamation points was the literary equivalent of an author laughing at his own jokes, but that's not the case in the modern age; now, the exclamation point signifies creative confusion. All it illustrates is that even the writer can't tell if what they're creating is supposed to be meaningful, frivolous, or cruel. It's an attempt to insert humor where none exists, on the off chance that a potential reader will only be pleased if they suspect they're being entertained. Of course, the reader isn't really sure, either. They just want to know when they're supposed to pretend to be amused. All those extraneous exclamation points are like little splatters of canned laughter: They represent the "form of funny," which is more easily understood (and more easily constructed) than authentic funniness. " humor blogging culture Chuck Klosterman
00c1f15 Is there a cookie at the end of this lecture? ... I got a cookie after all ... Dear god, the cookie was poisoned. humor Ilona Andrews
81df920 Mrs. Cole was a perfect democrat. She hated all kids equally. humor stephen-king it Stephen King
dc76a04 I love you. I will love you till the stars crumble, which is a less idle threat than is usual to lovers on parting. humor love luthe Robin McKinley
ac0c3be Every so often I would look at my women friends who were happily married and didn't cook, and I would always find myself wondering how they did it. Would anyone love me if I couldn't cook? I always thought cooking was part of the package: Step right up, it's Rachel Samstat, she's bright, she's funny and she can cook! marriage humor Nora Ephron
fd4fa28 "Your lifeline...oh, the burning stick. Right." Leo resisted the urge to set his hand ablaze and yell: Bwah ha ha! The idea was sort of funny, but he wasn't that cruel." humor heroes-of-olympus leo-valdez Rick Riordan
d77d1d1 Woah,' I said, blocking the doorway. 'You can't come in here. This is the girls' room.' Even as it came out of my mouth, I knew it sounded dumb. Dumb, I thought and maybe even . You...are a boy, aren't you?' I asked. 'I mean, don't take that the wrong way or anything -' J.Lo is a boy, yes.' I let that go. So...you Boov have boys and girls...just like us?' Of course,' said J.Lo. 'Do not be ridicumlous.' I smiled a wan little smile. 'Sorry.' The Boov have magnificent genders. There is boy, girl, girlboy, boygirl, boyboy, boyboygirl, and boyboyboyboy.' I had absolutely no response to this. humor politeness gender Adam Rex
55a1deb "To those who care about punctuation, a sentence such as "Thank God its Friday" (without the apostrophe) rouses feelings not only of despair but of violence. The confusion of the possessive "its" (no apostrophe) with the contractive "it's" (with apostrophe) is an unequivocal signal of illiteracy and sets off a Pavlovian "kill" response in the average stickler." writing humor punctuation Lynne Truss
b9d8bf4 That's great. Except for the fact that it's completely unimportant. humor Rick Riordan
e594b8b "Men are like dogs," Stacy was fond of saying. And she usually went on to add that, like dogs, they all took up too much space on the bed, and they always went for the crotch." men humor smooth-talking-stranger Lisa Kleypas
21332a2 And even, if circumstances required, a contingency plan for his contingency plan's contingency plan. seeing humor contingency plan weird glass redd circumstances wars looking Frank Beddor
2926513 "Bet you ten bucks we make it." What are the odds? she thought, and realized with sudden, blinding clarity that she wouldn't take the other side of that bet, that only a loser would bet against them. This is really it, she thought, amazed. This is really forever. I believe in this. "Min?" he said, and she kissed him, putting all her heart into it. "No bet," she said against his mouth. "Your odds are too good." "Our odds are too good" romance humor jennifer-crusie Jennifer Crusie
5cdca8c "Because that's what it would catch in the wild, a boar, right? I can't wait to see a pack of bunnycats take down a wild hog with those short tiny legs. Wouldn't the boar be surprised?" Everybody was a comedian. "May be if I oink loud enough, it'll leap across the beam and try to devour me." humor kate-daniels Ilona Andrews
5bce551 "He stepped forward. "We've been together a year. How many times have you seen me hunt?" Umm. "How many times, Kate?" "None." "That's because I don't hunt. I'm a male lion. I weigh six hundred pounds. Do you really expect me to scamper through the brush after deer? When I want a steak, I want a damn steak." humor kate-daniels Ilona Andrews
1d67287 Steal not this book for fear of shame For on it is the owners name And when you die the Lord will say Where is the book you stole away And when you say you do not know The Lord will say go down below. poem humor stealing punishment L.M. Montgomery
6c1ec56 "He nuzzled my neck, inhaling deeply. "Mmm. You smell so good." "Oh, yeah," I said, smirking. "I call this new perfume 'Le Jungle grime et tropical BO.' " "Dirt and sweat. Very sexy." humor love qué-romántico otp lol James Patterson
b8e2221 Despite the fact that an Indonesian island chicken has probably had a much more natural life than one raised on a battery farm in England, people who wouldn't think twice about buying something oven-ready become much more upset about a chicken that they've been on a boat with, so there is probably buried in the Western psyche a deep taboo about eating anything you've been introduced to socially. humor vegetarianism vegetarian ethics Douglas Adams
97b555c "You're in a rather odd mood today." I'm soaking wet, Eloise." No need to snap at me about it, I didn't force you to walk across town in the rain." It wasn't raining when I left,". There was something about a sibling that brought out the eight-year-old in a body. I'm sure the sky was gray," Clearly, she had a bit of the eight-year-old in her as well." humor Julia Quinn
df7d49f "(Golden Globe acceptance speech in the style of ): "Four A.M. Having just returned from an evening at the Golden Spheres, which despite the inconveniences of heat, noise and overcrowding, was not without its pleasures. Thankfully, there were no dogs and no children. The gowns were middling. There was a good deal of shouting and behavior verging on the profligate, however, people were very free with their compliments and I made several new acquaintances. Miss Lindsay Doran, of Mirage, wherever that might be, who is largely responsible for my presence here, an enchanting companion about whom too much good cannot be said. Mr. Ang Lee, of foreign extraction, who most unexpectedly apppeared to understand me better than I undersand myself. Mr. James Schamus, a copiously erudite gentleman, and Miss Kate Winslet, beautiful in both countenance and spirit. Mr. Pat Doyle, a composer and a Scot, who displayed the kind of wild behavior one has lernt to expect from that race. Mr. Mark Canton, an energetic person with a ready smile who, as I understand it, owes me a vast deal of money. Miss Lisa Henson -- a lovely girl, and Mr. Gareth Wigan -- a lovely boy. I attempted to converse with Mr. Sydney Pollack, but his charms and wisdom are so generally pleasing that it proved impossible to get within ten feet of him. The room was full of interesting activitiy until eleven P.M. when it emptied rather suddenly. The lateness of the hour is due therefore not to the dance, but to the waiting, in a long line for horseless vehicles of unconscionable size. The modern world has clearly done nothing for transport. P.S. Managed to avoid the hoyden who has purloined my creation and added things of her own. Nefarious creature." "With gratitude and apologies to , thank you." -- jane-austen humor golden-globes sense-and-sensibility speeches movies Emma Thompson
182f675 Most horses don't walk backwards voluntarily, because what they can't see doesn't exist. humor Terry Pratchett
2c4fa6e The netherworld is timeless and unchanging, and boring -- much like a doctor's waiting room. humor netherworld Christopher Moore
dd7e2e0 When you have been just told that the girl you love is definitely betrothed to another, you begin to understand how Anarchists must feel when the bomb goes off too soon. jealousy marriage humor engagement P.G. Wodehouse
c6159d4 Some police forces would believe anything. Not the Metropolitan police, though. The Met was the hardest, most cynically pragmatic, most stubbornly down-to-earth police force in Britain. It would take a lot to faze a copper from the Met. It would take, for example, a huge, battered car that was nothing more nor less than a fireball, a blazing, roaring, twisted metal lemon from Hell, driven by a grinning lunatic in sunglasses, sitting amid the flames, trailing thick black smoke, coming straight at them through the lashing rain and wind at eighty miles an hour. That would do it every time. terry-pratchett humor good-omens neil-gaiman Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett
7e26fa6 What if two people want to be your partner, then what? humor Emily Giffin
fa2a7e7 "Stop," Kincaid said in a calm voice. "Unclench." "Unclench what?" Murphy demanded. "Unclench your ass." " me?" "You're going to trip the beam. You need another quarter inch. Relax." "I am relaxed," Murphy growled. "Oh," Kincaid said. "Damn, great ass then." humor Jim Butcher
61fd03e This letter is written on the skin of one of the water sprites who drowned your parents.' 'Ick!' I cried, and dropped the letter on the kitchen table. revenge humor letter sookie-stackhouse faery paranormal urban-fantasy Charlaine Harris
17cb684 "Anyway, why would you trust anything written down? She certainly didn't trust "Mothers of Borogravia!" and that was from the government. And if you couldn't trust the government, who could you trust? Very nearly everyone, come to think of it..." lies war humor propaganda Terry Pratchett
bb881d3 Yes, but humans are more important than animals,' said Brutha. 'This is a point of view often expressed by humans,' said Om. humor Terry Pratchett
425a344 They came out in a dim, damp basement - a generic sort of place, full of moulding boxes. 'You take me to the nicest places,' Claire said, and sneezed. funny humor myrnin claire-danvers rachel-caine Rachel Caine
cb6a71e "Hardy! Hardy --" He had come for me. I nearly lost it then. In the wild torrent of relief and gratitude, there were at least a dozen things I wanted to tell him at once. But the first thing that came out was a fervent, "I'm so sorry I didn't have sex with you." I heard his low laugh. "I am too. But honey, there are a couple of maintenance guys with me who can hear every word we're saying." "I don't care," I said desperately. "Get me out of here and I swear I'll sleep with you." humor hardy travises haven Lisa Kleypas
00e8dd7 When you shift, will your hawk form be plucked, then? humor rowan sarah-j-maas Sarah J. Maas
327ecd9 For a moment, or a second, the pinched expressions of the cynical, world-weary, throat-cutting, miserable bastards we've all had to become disappears, when we're confronted with something as simple as a plate of food. humor memoirs food Anthony Bourdain
b4fb1a1 Err, sorry Father Abbot. I tripped y'see. Trod on my Abbot, Father Habit. Oh dear, I mean.... humor Brian Jacques
e685918 Well, in the first place girls never marry the men they flirt with. Girls don't think it right. marriage women humor Oscar Wilde
be1aba0 I pondered what else I should take for him. Flowers seemed wrong; they're a love token, after all. I looked in the fridge, and popped a packet of cheese slices into the bag. All men like cheese. funny humor eleanor-oliphant gail-honeyman gift Gail Honeyman
a389d3e I so rarely have the chance to field-test anything. Amelie is so conservative about these things -Myrnin humor myrnin Rachel Caine
1c380ef And I'm sure than in Poland, or somewhere, it is considered cool to drive a Porsche and wear necklaces and black silk, but at least back in Brooklyn if you did those things you were either a drug dealer or from New Jersey. humor new-jersey Meg Cabot
14d150c Armed with my sword and wand, I was all set for a stroll through the swamp to look for a hungry monster. Oh, joy! humor sword kane-chronicles Rick Riordan
d494069 "We have to actually choose a name," Kane murmured above her head. "We can't keep calling him 'baby.' When he's fifteen he might resent it." -- humor children Christine Feehan
39863b7 "Half an hour later, each of them had been given a complicated circular chart, and was attempting to fill in the position of the planets at their moment of birth. It was dull work, requiring much consultation of timetables and calculation of angles. "I've got two Neptunes here," said Harry after a while, frowning down at his piece of parchment, "that can't be right, can it?" "Aaaaah," said Ron, imitating Professor Trelawney's mystical whisper, "when two Neptunes appear in the sky, it is a sure sign that a midget in glasses is being born, Harry . . ." humor J.K. Rowling
4545dd8 "I never meant it," he was saying. "Never meant it to happen. Can't stand it, seeing her suffer. Must do something, do something... What do I do? What can I do...?" funny humor myrnin ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine vampire vampires Rachel Caine
99834bb Books are, let's face it, better than everything else. If we played Cultural Fantasy Boxing League, and made books go fifteen rounds in the ring against the best that any other art form had to offer, then books would win pretty much every time. reading humor love-of-reading culture sports Nick Hornby
508534b "Nobody got me out," Nellie replied. "They just let me go. They think I'm a deranged Jonah Wizard fan. Apparently, the hotel's full of them. A couple of idiots actually jumped off the front balcony. Can you picture that?" "In Technicolor," Amy said bitterly. "That low-down KGB reject!" Dan fumed. "I can't believe she cheated me-right when I was in the middle of cheating her!" humor jonah-wizard nellie-gomez the39clues Gordon Korman
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