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d5e7506 If there were such a thing as an inter-city thieving contest, Ankh-Morpork would bring home the trophy and probably everyone's wallets. humor thievery Terry Pratchett
ddf0bf4 "Hardly had the light been extinguished, when a peculiar trembling began to affect the netting under which the three children lay. It consisted of a multitude of dull scratches which produced a metallic sound, as if claws and teeth were gnawing at the copper wire. This was accompanied by all sorts of little piercing cries. The little five-year-old boy, on hearing this hubbub overhead, and chilled with terror, jogged his brother's elbow; but the elder brother had already shut his peepers, as Gavroche had ordered. Then the little one, who could no longer control his terror, questioned Gavroche, but in a very low tone, and with bated breath:-- "Sir?" "Hey?" said Gavroche, who had just closed his eyes. "What is that?" "It's the rats," replied Gavroche. And he laid his head down on the mat again. The rats, in fact, who swarmed by thousands in the carcass of the elephant, and who were the living black spots which we have already mentioned, had been held in awe by the flame of the candle, so long as it had been lighted; but as soon as the cavern, which was the same as their city, had returned to darkness, scenting what the good story-teller Perrault calls "fresh meat," they had hurled themselves in throngs on Gavroche's tent, had climbed to the top of it, and had begun to bite the meshes as though seeking to pierce this new-fangled trap. Still the little one could not sleep. "Sir?" he began again. "Hey?" said Gavroche. "What are rats?" "They are mice." This explanation reassured the child a little. He had seen white mice in the course of his life, and he was not afraid of them. Nevertheless, he lifted up his voice once more. "Sir?" "Hey?" said Gavroche again. "Why don't you have a cat?" "I did have one," replied Gavroche, "I brought one here, but they ate her." This second explanation undid the work of the first, and the little fellow began to tremble again. The dialogue between him and Gavroche began again for the fourth time:-- "Monsieur?" "Hey?" "Who was it that was eaten?" "The cat." "And who ate the cat?" "The rats." "The mice?" "Yes, the rats." The child, in consternation, dismayed at the thought of mice which ate cats, pursued:-- "Sir, would those mice eat us?" "Wouldn't they just!" ejaculated Gavroche. The child's terror had reached its climax. But Gavroche added:-- "Don't be afraid. They can't get in. And besides, I'm here! Here, catch hold of my hand. Hold your tongue and shut your peepers!" humor gavroche les-mis les-misérables rats horror victor-hugo Victor Hugo
508534b "Nobody got me out," Nellie replied. "They just let me go. They think I'm a deranged Jonah Wizard fan. Apparently, the hotel's full of them. A couple of idiots actually jumped off the front balcony. Can you picture that?" "In Technicolor," Amy said bitterly. "That low-down KGB reject!" Dan fumed. "I can't believe she cheated me-right when I was in the middle of cheating her!" humor jonah-wizard nellie-gomez the39clues Gordon Korman
6aa9e6b He looked haggard and careworn, like a Borgia who has suddenly remembered that he has forgotten to shove cyanide in the consomme, and the dinner-gong due any moment. unhappiness humor forgetfulness poison P.G. Wodehouse
d115333 That cat was a spy. You to take a pot shot at it. It was a very clever German midget dressed up in a cheap fur coat. humor J.D. Salinger
1c380ef And I'm sure than in Poland, or somewhere, it is considered cool to drive a Porsche and wear necklaces and black silk, but at least back in Brooklyn if you did those things you were either a drug dealer or from New Jersey. humor new-jersey Meg Cabot
39863b7 "Half an hour later, each of them had been given a complicated circular chart, and was attempting to fill in the position of the planets at their moment of birth. It was dull work, requiring much consultation of timetables and calculation of angles. "I've got two Neptunes here," said Harry after a while, frowning down at his piece of parchment, "that can't be right, can it?" "Aaaaah," said Ron, imitating Professor Trelawney's mystical whisper, "when two Neptunes appear in the sky, it is a sure sign that a midget in glasses is being born, Harry . . ." humor J.K. Rowling
e73eb2b Beauty, grace, and charm my foot. It's a school for sadists with good tea-serving skills. humor boarding-schools gemma-doyle libba-bray Libba Bray
1874fd3 You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That's a step too far. humour humor Libba Bray
d835b00 "You love it right?" Lassiter asked, holding his Bible high. "I mean, you told me to go on the internet. I did. I even printed out my diploma or whatever the hell it's called." Opening the cover of the King James version, he took out a piece of paper and waved it around. "See? Nice and legal-like" Beth leaned in "Wow". "I know right? Just like Harvard" "Impressive" "I'm totally framing that shit, wha-what." humor lassiter the-king J.R. Ward
496c9a1 In the beginning, I was put off by the harshness of German. Someone would order a piece of cake, and it sounded as if it were an actual order, like, 'Cut the cake and lie facedown in that ditch between the cobbler and the little girl'. humor David Sedaris
64c5beb "I snorted "oh, beauty. What's that good for?" Mary stared, her eyes round. "It won you the prince, did it not?" I snorted again, I prefer to think that he was captivated by my charming personality." I giggled to let Mary know I was trying to make fun of myself." personality humor Margaret Peterson Haddix
50c98a3 Still it is true that many same-sex couples want nothing more than to join society as fully integrated socially responsible family-centered taxpaying Little League-coaching nation-serving respectably married citizens. So why not welcome them in Why not recruit them by the vanload to sweep in on heroic wings and save the flagging and battered old institution of matrimony from a bunch of apathetic ne'er-do-well heterosexual deadbeats like me marriage humor gay-marriage gay-rights same-sex-marriage homosexual matrimony Elizabeth Gilbert
de1582e "He has artistry," he repeated. "Because that's what it takes to blow things up. And cook his arm." humor tamora-pierce Tamora Pierce
37716f4 The youngest Merriville, bursting into the room some time later, found them seated side by side on the sofa. 'Buddle said I wasn't to disturb you, but I knew was fudge,' he said scornfully. 'Cousin Alverstoke, there is someting I wanted to ask you!' He broke off, perceiving suddenly, and with disfavour, that his Cousin Alverstoke had an arm round Frederica. Revolted by such a betrayal of unmanliness, he bent a disapproving look upon his idol and demanded: 'Why are you cuddling Frederica, sir?' 'Because we are going to be married,' replied his lordship calmly. 'It's obligatory, you know. One is expected to -er - cuddle the lady one is going to marry.' 'Oh!' said Felix. 'Well, won't ask anyone to marry , if that's what you have to do! I just say I never thought that sir would have-' Again he broke off, as a thought struck him. 'Will that make her a - a -Marquis? Oh, Jessamy, did you hear that? Frederica is going to be a She-Marquis!' 'What you mean is a you ignorant little ape!' replied his austere brother humor heyer precious Georgette Heyer
3f00f6b "What?" I said, suspicion starting to rise in me. "When did they start coming after you?" "Was it-- was it after the oil-slick Hummer crash?" the Gasman asked Iggy tentatively. My eyes widened. Oil-slick Hummer crash? Iggy rubbed his chin, thinking. "Or maybe it was more-- after the bomb," the Gasman said in a low voice, looking down. "I think it was the bomb," Iggy agreed. "That definitely seemed to tick them off." humor gazzy the-gasman iggy maximum-ride James Patterson
b82fee7 What a moron I was to think you were sweet and innocent, when it turns out you were actually college-educated the whole time! humor Margaret Atwood
40d3ff6 DEAFNESS DOESN'T PREVENT COMPOSERS HEARING THE MUSIC. IT PREVENTS THEM HEARING THE DISTRACTIONS. music humor Terry Pratchett
469d5df "Gregory," she said, "you cannot leave me here. What if someone finds you and removes you from the house? Who will know I am here? And what if...and what if...and then what if..." He smiled, enjoying her officiousness too much to actually listen to her words. She was definitely herself again. "When this is all over," he said, "I shall bring you a sandwich." That stopped her short. "A sandwich? A sandwich?" humor sandwich Julia Quinn
a49729f Perhaps I won't marry then. Instead, you and I shall live as spinsters in a cottage by the sea. We'll burn our corsets, eat chocolate morning, noon and night and grow fat as hedgehogs. marriage humor Alyxandra Harvey
6863f18 I did not tell Fat this, but technically he had become a Buddha. It did not seem to me like a good idea to let him know. After all, if you are a Buddha you should be able to figure it out for yourself. self-awareness spirituality humor Philip K. Dick
647fac2 Grandma frowned and yelled something in Russian. She could have been saying, 'Open up, your best friend is here.' On the other hand, it could have been, 'America is a great country because of canned ravioli. humor Laurie Halse Anderson
d50fd24 "Indeed Not. Stop kicking me, Daine. You understand, she is very important to a number of powerful nobles and mages in Tortall." Numair's voice was quiet, almost friendly; his eyes were hard. "Their majesties. Lady Alanna and her husband, the baron of Pirate's Swoop. Me. All of us would take iit amiss if we thought for a moment she was being trifled with, particularly by a young man who wasn't free to do the right thing by her." "Numair," Daine growled. "Can I speak to you privately for a moment? "No. Stepping on my foot won't work either. Do I make myself clear, Prince Kaddar?" humor prince-kaddar numair threat Tamora Pierce
5a67088 "I saved a man's life once," said Granny. "Special medicine, twice a day. Boiled water with a bit of berry juice in it. Told him I'd bought it from the dwarves. That's the biggest part of doct'rin, really. Most people'll get over most things if they put their minds to it, you just have to give them an interest." humor healthy medicine Terry Pratchett
d81636a I looked at the stained-glass image of the lamb in the window above me, but that only reminded me that lambs are famous for being led to slaughter, or sometimes hanging out with lions in ill-advised relationships. humour funny humor lambs slaughter twilight Maureen Johnson
51cc040 Hi, this is Ganymede, cup-bearer to Zeus, and when I'm out buying wine for the Lord of the Skies, I always buckle up! humor public-service-announcement greek mythology safety Rick Riordan
8d99e85 Whether a man is a criminal or a public servant is purely a matter of perspective. humor relativism ethics Tom Robbins
67a4c6f "The driver got out smiling. He looked about seventeen or eighteen, and for a second, I had the uneasy feeling it was Luke, my old enemy. This guy had the same sandy hair and outdoorsy good looks. But it wasn't Luke. His smile was brighter and more playful. (Luke didn't do much more than scowl and sneer these days.) The Maserati driver wore jeans and loafers and a sleeveless T-shirt. "Wow" Thalia muttered. Apollo Is hot." "He's the sun god," I said. "That's not what I meant." funny humor hot percy-jackson Rick riordan
bc4b4cc "Percy yelled. "What's going- Gah! Shrimpzilla!" humor percy Rick Riordan
6c8d338 And then, well . . . He might have slept for a bit. He rather hoped he was sleeping, because he was quite certain he'd seen a six-foot rabbit hopping through his bedchamber, and if that wasn't a dream, they were all in very big trouble. Although really, it wasn't the rabbit that was so dangerous as much as the giant carrot he was swinging about like a mace. That carrot would feed an entire village. humor Julia Quinn
853a587 If my name was Richard, I'd go by Richard or Rich...not Dick. Hell I'd even settle for being called Chard. names humor Simone Elkeles
061bd49 Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don't bother introducing yourself. humor telepathy Bauvard
b2bf3e0 Everything rests on the poisoned wine. If it were just the queen, I could force it down her gullet, but Declan Broekhart would run me through with that damned ceremonial sword, and if his wife's stares were daggers, he'd be dead already. humor Eoin Colfer
4e424e9 I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics. marriage humor love Woody Allen
73c5358 You is getting nosier than a parker. humor Roald Dahl
51b9c6a "Those men want to take Laurence from me, and put him in prison, and execute him, and I will not let them, ever, and I do not care if Laurence tells me not to squash you," he added, fiercely, to Lord Barham. " humor Naomi Novik
20b7eed "Tea? At the beach? No time for luxuries, Holly. There is important work to be done." He winked at Butler. "Are you sure you're at the library? I thought I heard water." young-adult humor Eoin Colfer
1dfb049 "We should do something," I said. "Can the something be play blind-guy video games while sitting on the couch?" "Yeah, that's just the kind of something I had in mind." So we sat there for a couple hours talking to the screen together, navigating this invisible labyrinthine cave without a single lumen of light. The most entertaining part of the game by was far trying to get the computer to engage with us in humorous conversation: Me: "Touch the cave wall." Computer: "You touch the cave wall. It is moist." Isaac: "Lick the cave wall." Computer: "I do not understand. Repeat?" Me: "Hump the cave wall." Computer: "You attempt to jump. You hit your head." Isaac: "Not jump. HUMP." Computer: "I don't understand." Isaac: "Dude, I've been alone in the dark in this cave for weeks and I need some relief. HUMP THE CAVE WALL." Computer: "You attempt to ju--" Me: "Thrust pelvis against cave wall." Computer: "I do not--" Isaac: "Make sweet love to the cave." Computer: "I do not--" Me: "FINE. Follow left branch." Computer: "You follow the left branch. The passage narrows." Me: "Crawl." Computer: "You crawl for one hundred yards. The passage narrows." Me: "Snake crawl." Computer: "You snake crawl for thirty yards. A trickle of water runs down your body. You reach a mound of small rocks blocking the passageway." Me: "Can I hump the cave now?" Computer: "You cannot jump without standing." Isaac: "I dislike living in a world without Augustus Waters." Computer: "I don't understand--" Isaac: "Me neither. Pause." death humor comic-relief video-games John Green
88e82d2 "Shigure: We have just humor laugh fruits-basket shigure Natsuki Takaya
9b6553b If she'd been born at the right time they would have burned her over in Salem. humor john-updike comic John Updike
4ba7f3a ...looking angrily at the wombat: and a moment later, 'Come now, Stephen, this is coming it pretty high: your brute is eating my hat.' 'So he is, too,' said Dr. Maturin. 'But do not be perturbed, Jack; it will do him no harm, at all. His digestive processes-- humor wombat Patrick O'Brian
86ad0b0 "You're taller than I am, but I'm stronger, and meaner right this minute than you could ever imagine" - Lady Madelyne." romance humor julie-garwood Julie Garwood
281822a "Okay, so, flying," I started, taking a deep breath and focusing on the thing I loved most in the world. "Flying is ... great. It feels great when you're doing it. It's fun. Pure freedom. There's nothing better." Dylan smiled, a slow, easy smile that seemed to light up his whole face. "So the first thing we're going to do," I told him, "is push you off the roof." funny humor smooth smooth-max smile wings lol James Patterson
b46b268 Lord, heap miseries upon us yet entwine our arts with laughters low. humor hoyce wake James Joyce
4ea0ced Who's your daddy?' Myrnin stared at him as if he'd gone completely mental. ' funny humor the-morganville-vampires myrnin rachel-caine shane-collins Rachel Caine
0df1560 How can we be alive and not wonder about the stories we knit together this place we call the world? Without stories our universe is merely rocks and clouds and lava and blackness. It's a village scraped raw by warm waters leaving not a trace of what existed before. humor dry-humor Douglas Coupland
0f408f1 "To the stupidity of men, " Dakota said, raising a glass. "And my brother, who is their king." humor girlfriend Susan Mallery
bf77b50 "How did you know I was different?" "You mean besides the obvious obsidian, the alien entourage, and the branch?" He laughed. "You're full of electricity. See?" He reached between the seats and placed his hand over mine. Static crackled, jolting us both. Daemon grabbed Blake's hand and threw it back at him. "I do not like you." humor jealous Jennifer L. Armentrout
483bd2e Because nothing says flattery like a gun to the head. humor dresdenish Jim Butcher
aca1ee7 "Milk?" Lady Bridgerton asked. "Thank you," Gareth replied. "No sugar, if you please." "Hyacinth takes hers with three," Gregory said, reaching for a piece of shortbread. "Why," Hyacinth ground out, "would he care?" "Well," Gregory replied, taking a bite and chewing, "he is your special friend." humor tea siblings Julia Quinn
198b0bf I'd had a key to the marina's locks at one time, but I'd lost track of it when I got shot, drowned, died, got revived into a coma, haunted my friends for a while, and then woke up in Mab's bed. (My life. Hell's bells.) humor harry-dresden Jim Butcher
ae39b71 I MAY HAVE ALLOWED MYSELF SOME FLICKER OF EMOTION IN THE RECENT PAST, said Death, BUT I CAN GIVE IT UP ANY TIME I LIKE. humor Terry Pratchett
56feb25 He'd always felt he had a right to exist as a wizard in the same way that you couldn't do proper maths without the number 0, which wasn't a number at all but, if it went away, would leave a lot of larger numbers looking bloody stupid. humor interesting-times zero numbers number maths wizard rincewind Terry Pratchett
f6b968e I HAVE MADE THIS FOR YOU. She reached out and took a damp square of cardboard. Water dripped off the bottom. Somewhere in the middle, a few brown feathers seemed to have been glued on. 'Thank you. Er ... what is it?' ALBERT SAID THERE OUGHT TO BE SNOW ON IT, BUT IT APPEARS TO HAVE MELTED, said Death. IT IS, OF COURSE, A HOGSWATCH CARD. 'Oh ...' THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN A ROBIN ON IT AS WELL, BUT I HAD CONSIDERABLE DIFFICULTY IN GETTING IT TO STAY ON. 'Ah...' IT WAS NOT AT ALL COOPERATIVE. 'Really ...?' IT DID NOT SEEM TO GET INTO THE HOGSWATCH SPIRIT AT ALL. humor pratchett discworld Terry Pratchett
81fe663 Friends are the support bras of life. humor Lisa Kleypas
8371581 I had no idea how to respond, and opted for a smile, which serves me well on most occasions (not if it's something to do with death or illness, though -- I know that now.) funny humor eleanor-oliphant gail-honeyman smile Gail Honeyman
100f471 "Within sixty-minute limits or one-hundred-yard limits or the limits of a game board, we can look for perfect moments or perfect structures. In my fiction I think this search sometimes turns out to be a cruel delusion. No optimism, no pessimism. No homesickness for lost values or for the way fiction used to be written. Everybody seems to know everything. Subjects surface and are totally exhausted in a matter of days or weeks, totally played out by the publishing industry and the broadcast industry. Nothing is too arcane to escape the treatment, the process. Making things difficult for the reader is less an attack on the reader than it is on the age and its facile knowledge-market. The writer is the person who stands outside society, independent of affiliation and independent of influence. The writer is the man or woman who automatically takes a stance against his or her government. There are so many temptations for American writers to become part of the system and part of the structure that now, more than ever, we have to resist. American writers ought to stand and live in the margins, and be more dangerous. Writers in repressive societies are considered dangerous. That's why so many of them are in jail. Some people prefer to believe in conspiracy because they are made anxious by random acts. Believing in conspiracy is almost comforting because, in a sense, a conspiracy is a story we tell each other to ward off the dread of chaotic and random acts. Conspiracy offers coherence. I see contemporary violence as a kind of sardonic response to the promise of consumer fulfillment in America... I see this desperation against the backdrop of brightly colored packages and products and consumer happiness and every promise that American life makes day by day and minute by minute everywhere we go. Discarded pages mark the physical dimensions of a writer's labor. Film allows us to examine ourselves in ways earlier societies could not--examine ourselves, imitate ourselves, extend ourselves, reshape our reality. It permeates our lives, this double vision, and also detaches us, turns some of us into actors doing walk-throughs. science humor inspirational Don DeLillo
5f10879 ...all members of Congress should be required wear NASCAR uniforms. You know, the kind with the patches? That way we'd know who is sponsoring each of them. I think he was kidding; they'd never be able to do it but it's a great idea and would wake people up in this country. nascar sponsorship politics humor Brad Thor
1df05bc "So you love me," said Petra softly when the kiss ended. I'm a raging mass of hormones thet I'm too young to understand," said Bean. "You're a female of a closely related species. According to all the best primatologists, I really have no choice." That's nice," she said..." humor love Orson Scott Card
9482bef "Uh, the Council," I said. "Big shock, they aren't helping." Murphy looked like she might be asleep, but she snorted. "So we're on our own." Yeah." Good. It's more familiar." humor karrin-murphy Jim Butcher
aff24f5 Watch over Honoria, will you? See that she doesn't marry an idiot. friends humor love Julia Quinn
06eb9ce A hat should be taken off when greeting a lady, and left off the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat. humor manners P.J. O'Rourke
80428fd CHOW^TM contained spun, plaited, and woven protein molecules, capped and coded, carefully designed to be ignored by even the most ravenous digestive tract enzymes; no-cal sweeteners; mineral oils replacing vegetable oils; fibrous materials, colorings, and flavorings. The end result was a foodstuff almost indistinguishable from any other except for two things. Firstly, the price, which was slightly higher, and secondly, the nutritional content, which was roughly equivalent to that of a Sony Walkman. humor sable-black sony-walkman good-omens famine Neil Gaiman
c000a8b Like so many substantial citizens of America, he had married young and kept on marrying, springing from blonde to blonde like the chamois of the Alps leaping from crag to crag. marriage humor trophy-wives P.G. Wodehouse
4be5c38 "You'll write to me, won't you?" Albus asked his parents immediately, capitalizing on the momentary absence of his brother. "Every day, if you want us to," said Ginny. "Not day," said Albus quickly. "James says most people only get letters from home about once a month." "We wrote to James three times a week last year," said Ginny. "And you don't want to believe everything he tells you about Hogwarts," Harry put in. "He likes a laugh, your brother." humor ginny the-end harry J.K. Rowling
5189863 Aquello esta sobre las brasas de la tierra, en la mera boca del infierno. Con decirle que muchos de los que alli se mueren al llegar al infierno regresan por su cobija. humor hell Juan Rulfo
cf37e08 "You're not the only one in this relationship who loves a challenge," he says. "And just so you know for the future, I like my double-chocolate chip cookies warm and soft in the middle . . . and without magnets glued to them." funny humor kiara-westford conversation Simone Elkeles
71c136e Cery: So, Hem, tell me why I shouldn't see how many holes I need to make before you start leaking money? magic fiction humor Trudi Canavan
ea34ef3 "Caroline stamped her foot in frustration, but when it landed, it landed on something considerably less flat than the floor. "Owww!" he yelled. Oh! His foot!Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorry , she mouthed.I didn't mean it. "If you think I can understand that," he growled, "you're crazier than I'd originally thought." humor julia-quinn Julia Quinn
5be3281 "Larry's such a liar--- He tells outrageous lies. He says he's ninety-nine years old Instead of only five. He says he lives up on the moon, He says that he once flew. He says he's really six feet four Instead of three feet two. He says he has a billion dollars 'Stead of just a dime. He says he rode a dinosaur Back in some distant time. He says his mother is the moon Who taught him magic spells. He says his father is the wind That rings the morning bells. He says he can take stones and rocks And turn them into gold. He says he can take burnin' fire And turn it freezin' cold. He said he'd send me seven elves To help me with my chores. poem humor Shel Silverstein
cb3cff7 I have a business appointment that I am anxious... to miss. humor Oscar Wilde
657b092 In the first place, Cranford is in possession of the Amazons; all the holders of houses above a certain rent are women. If a married couple come to settle in the town, somehow the gentleman disappears; he is either fairly frightened to death by being the only man in the Cranford parties, or he is accounted for by being with his regiment, his hip, or closely engaged in business all the week in the great neighbouring commercial town of Drumble, distant only twenty miles on a railroad. In short, whatever does become of the gentlemen, they are not at Cranford. literature men people women humor property rural-society village-life ownership Elizabeth Gaskell
3df454c If I could get back my youth, I'd do anything in the world except get up early, take exercise or be respectable. youth humor Oscar Wilde
e1270d1 Mickey Cray had been out of work ever since a dead iguana fell from a palm tree and hit him on the head. humor Carl Hiaasen
225e965 "My point is, I would never hurt you or your family." I raised my chin at him. "If you tried to hurt my mother, I would totally kick your ass." "Aha." "Yes. You would be lying on the ground, crying, 'No more, no more,' and I would be kicking you in the stomach, wham, wham, wham!" He laughed softly." humor jim Ilona Andrews
358cf73 [There's a] point where you have to leave the dough alone. It's silly to anthropomorphize bread, but I love the fact that it needs to sit quietly, to retreat from touch and noise and drama, in order to evolve. I have to admit, I often feel that way myself. evolution humor truth jodi-picoult reflection quietness peace food Jodi Picoult
2604d4f "Forty-two!" yelled Loonquawl. "Is that all you've got to show for seven and a half million years' work?" "I checked it very thoroughly," said the computer, "and that quite definitely is the answer. I think the problem, to be quite honest with you, is that you've never actually known what the question is." humor computers meaning-of-life Douglas Adams
3809415 I deciced if I were ever to get into booze and women, my line would be, 'Excuse me, madam, but I would really love to bed and muss you. . . . Are you perchance free this evening? romance humor teen Rachel Cohn
ea71e29 Robert Todd Lincoln, a.k.a. Jinxy McDeath. humor Sarah Vowell
1ea3283 I think it would be well, and proper, and obedient, and pure, to grasp your one necessity and not let it go, to dangle from it limp wherever it takes you. Then even death, where you're going no matter how you live, cannot you part. humor inspirational weasels nature-writing essays Annie Dillard
933f25c Where would David Copperfield be if Dickens had gone to writing classes? Probably about seventy minor characters short, is where. (Did you know that Dickens is estimated to have invented thirteen thousand characters? Thirteen thousand! The population of a small town!) writing humor Nick Hornby
ab5d68d Dedication: My thanks to the people who showed me that opera was stranger than I could imagine. I can best repay their kindness by not mentioning their names here. humor opera Terry Pratchett
cc85027 Well they're pissed off and they're hungry. I was kind of busy trying not to get my brains eaten. They seemed pretty adamant about the brain-eating thing. Then they're going to IKEA, I guess humor chrisptopher-moore Christopher Moore
2ad472f "Boo: "Go talk to her." Callum: "About what?" Boo: "Anything." Callum: "You want me to walk up to her and say, 'Are you a ghost?'" Boo: "I do that." Callum: "I love it when you get it wrong." humor callum ghosts Maureen Johnson
ffe70ae I pressed PLAY and started up Chiron's favorite--the All-Time Greatest Hits of Dean Martin. Suddenly the air was filled with violins and a bunch of guys moaning in Italian. The demon pigeons went nuts. They started flying in circles, running into each other like they wanted to bash their own brains out. humor pigeons Rick Riordan
cd04e9d Piper: it looks like we have hole. Percy: Yeah we've got a dam hole! (LOL-ing) Piper: What! Percy: Inside joke. (still LOL-ing) Piper: Whatever. humor thalia-grace percy-jackson memory Rick Riordan
89fd578 "No!" Amy said. "Dan, you're lucky it was only concussive. You could've wiped out the whole Holt family." "And that would've been bad because...?" humor dan-cahill Rick Riordan
be9add6 I'm sure that you psychotic necro-wannabes with delusions of godhood are all about sharing with your fellow maniacs. humor Jim Butcher
3698285 Then set the hounds loose, boy - it's time to kick demonic ass! humor Darren Shan
74a8485 "OY! Stop playing around and lets cook already!" *smack* J-just now, that made a really loud noise.." Do you wanna hear it again?" N-no, you'll just hit me again!" Kyo and Tohru" funny humor fruits cook hit kyou loud noise smack kyo tohru Natsuki Takaya
a206c19 Nancy was so thrilled, I thought she was going to kiss me--and I thought I was actually going to have to hit a chick. humor Jennifer L. Armentrout
6ca4234 What the semicolon's anxious supporters fret about is the tendency of contemporary writers to use a dash instead of a semicolon and thus precipitate the end of the world. Are they being alarmist? humor lynne-truss sentence-structure english-language punctuation grammar Lynne Truss
f0b58b6 I'll have that someday, thought Peter. Someone who'll kiss me good-bye at the door. Or maybe just someone to put a blindfold over my head before they shoot me. Depending on how things turn out. death humor life funny-but-sad goals Orson Scott Card
e745901 "When we got to the moron who was sitting in the only path to the stairway, Adam caught my waist and lifted me over before stepping over the man himself. "Scott?" Adam said as we headed upstairs. "Yeah?" "Unless someone shoots you, skins you, and throws the results on the floor, I don't want to see you lying in the walkway again." "Yessir!" mercy-thompson silver-borne humor threats Patricia Briggs
18844c8 I grew up in a household where we didn't really talk about our feelings, and where the only reason you went to a doctor was because you'd accidentally cut off a limb with a chain saw. humor families Jodi Picoult
bc52c80 Sarcasm, as it turned out--even when it was instinctive and quick--cut into the time one had to manufacture one's escape. humor Mel Odom
d5bd651 I love jell-o. I love the way it comes in rainbow colours, wiggles and jiggles and looks like brains. humor jell-o random Megan McDonald
f786b12 The main hallway of the Sternwood place was two stories high. Over the entrance doors, which would have let in a troop of Indian elephants, there was a broad stained-glass panel showing a knight in dark armor rescuing a lady who was tied to a tree and didn't have any clothes on but some very long and convenient hair. The knight had pushed the vizor of his helmet back to be sociable, and he was fiddling with the knots on the ropes that tied the lady to the tree and not getting anywhere. I stood there and thought that if I lived in the house, I would sooner or later have to climb up there and help him. He didn't seem to be really trying. humor efficiency rescue propriety knights Raymond Chandler
1344a57 We will meet; and there we may rehearse most obscenely and courageously. Shakespeare, Midsummer Night's Dream. Spoken by Bottom, Act I Sc. 2 shakespeare humor William Shakespeare
2a33ced People who start a sentence with personally (and they're always women) ought to be thrown to the lions. It's a repulsive habit. women humor Georgette Heyer
b43f824 "Hip - Someone who knows the score. Someone who understands "jive talk." Someone who is "with it." The expression is not subject to definition because, if you don't "dig" what it means, no one can ever tell you." truth-telling humor junkie reality-check William S. Burroughs
4f4cd43 Normally my sister, Sadie, or some of our other initiates from Brooklyn House would've come with me. But they were all at the First Nome, in Egypt, for a weeklong training session on controlling cheese demons(yes, they're a real thing; believe me, you don't want to know) humor cheese-demons first-nome sadie-kane Rick Riordan
428a8d8 Thank God for imminent doomsday. humor doomsday Jim Butcher
6c4dec7 "Meg looked at me with something resembling respect. "What did you do to them?" "Nothing," I said. "Half the trick to being a god is knowing how to bluff." humor meg-mccaffrey Rick Riordan
dbafcb0 Carisoprodol. Comes in a white tablet like a big-ass vitamin, 350 mg of muscle liquefier for those tense, recovering athletes and furniture movers. Too much, and those relaxed muscles include your diaphragm, then your heart. humor Craig Clevenger
408f233 "There is a plain under a dim sky. It is covered with gentle rolling curves that might remind you of something else if you saw it from a long way away, and if you did see it from a long way away you'd be very glad that you were, in fact, a long way away. Three gray figures floated just above it. Exactly what they were can't be described in normal language. Some people might call them cherubs, although there was nothing rosy-cheeked about them. They might be rumored among those who see to it that gravity operates and that time stays separate from space. Call them auditors. Auditors of reality. They were in conversation without speaking. They didn't need to speak. They just changed reality so that they had spoken. One said, It has never happened before. Can it be done? One said, It will have to be done. There is a personality. Personalities come to an end. Only forces endure. It said this with satisfaction. One said, Besides... there have been irregularities. Where you get personality, you get irregularities. Well-known fact. One said, He has worked inefficiently? One said, No. We can't get him there. One said, That is the point. The word is him. Becoming a personality is inefficient. We don't want it to spread. Supposing gravity developed a personality? Supposing it decided to like people? One said, Got a crush on them, that sort of thing? One said, in a voice that would have been even chillier if it was not already at absolute zero, No. One said, Sorry. Just my little joke. One said, Besides, sometimes he wonders about his job. Such speculation is dangerous. One said, No argument there. One said, Then we are agreed? One, who seemed to have been thinking about something, said, Just one moment. Did you not just use the singular pronoun "my?" Not developing a personality, are you? One said, guiltily, Who? Us? One said, Where there is personality, there is discord. One said, Yes. Yes. Very true. One said, All right. But watch it in future. One said, Then we are agreed? They looked up at the face of Azrael, outlined against the sky. In fact, it was the sky. Azrael nodded, slowly. One said, Very well. Where is this place? One said, It is the Discworld. It rides through space on the back of a giant turtle. One said, Oh, one of that sort. I hate them. One said, You're doing it again. You said "I." One said, No! No! I didn't! I never said "I!"... oh, bugger... It burst into flame and burned in the same way that a small cloud of vapor burns, quickly and with no residual mess. Almost immediately, another one appeared. It was identical in appearance to its vanished sibling. One said, Let that be a lesson. To become a personality is to end. And now... let us go." humor Terry Pratchett
051bffb Time is the worst place, so to speak, to get lost in, as Arthur Dent could testify, having been lost in both time and space a good deal. At least being lost in space kept you busy. humour humor h2g2 hitchhikers-guide-to-the-galaxy science-fiction Douglas Adams
73ee9a5 That's Third Thoughts for you. When a huge rock is going to land on your head, they're the thoughts that think: Is that an igneous rock, such as granite, or is it sandstone? witches imagination science humor perspicacity tiffany-aching geology Terry Pratchett
8efbb45 I'm your worst nightmare!' said Teatime cheerfully. The man shuddered. 'You mean ... the one with the giant cabbage and the sort of whirring knife thing?' 'Sorry?' Teatime looked momentarily nonplussed. 'Then you're the one where I'm falling, only instead of the ground underneath it's all --' 'No. In fact I'm --' The guard sagged. 'Awww, the one where there's all this kind of, you know, mud and then everything goes blue --' 'No, I'm --' 'Oh, , then you're the one where there's this door only there's no floor beyond it and then there's these claws --' 'No,' said Teatime. 'Not that one.' He withdrew a dagger from his sleeve. 'I'm the one where this man comes out of nowhere and kills you, stone dead. humor pratchett Terry Pratchett
d8e0692 YOU'RE ONLY PUTTING OFF THE INEVITABLE, he said. That's what being alive is all about. humor life Terry Pratchett
946045f "So", says Jack at at last..."you broke up with Connor". Wow. So we're straight to the point. "So", I reply defiantly. "You decided to stay". "Yes, well...", "I thought I might take a closer look at some of the European subsidiaries." He looks up. "How about you?" "Same reason." I nod. "European subsidiaries"." humor Sophie Kinsella
e637a77 "I think I speak for all of us when I say, "Huh?" humor the-looking-glass-wars Frank Beddor
ef0d0a4 There is a tiger in my room,' said Frances. 'Did he bite you?' said Father. 'No,' said Frances. 'Did he scratch you?' said Mother. 'No,' said Frances. 'Then he is a friendly tiger,' said Father. 'He will not hurt you. Go back to sleep. humor children-s-literature tigers stalling Russell Hoban
bd76cb1 "I ejaculated about ten minutes ago and the stuff was black. So everything is not normal." Silence greeted that happy little announcement. Man, if he had hauled off and sucker-punched V, he would have gotten less of a shocked-out reaction." sex humor friendships J.R. Ward
9598467 "Just what we need," moaned Holly. "Artemis Fowl with magical powers." humor Eoin Colfer
5635b38 "Stupid. Stupid. Foaly, we are both imbeciles. I don't expect lateral thinking from the LEP, but from you..." ... "What is it?" [Holly] asked, afraid of the answer, which must surely be terrible. "Yeah," agreed Foaly, who always had time to feel insulted. "Why am I an imbecile?" humor foaly holly Eoin Colfer
8941510 But even Es and cocaine, over the years they blow holes in your brain, rob you of your memories, your past. Which is fair enough, convenient even. humor Irvine Welsh
af1bd0b Come, my Lady Dangerous, your Daimons await. (Valerius) humor Sherrilyn Kenyon
cda2ba3 Women are already born so far ahead ability-wise. The day men can give birth, that's when we can start talking about equal rights. humor Chuck Palahniuk
620901e "You are the devil to talk to, Rachel," he said curtly. "Will you shut up and listen?" humor Kim Harrison
d45d431 "Michael nodded tersely, eyeing a table across the room. It was empty. So empty. So joyfully, blessedly empty. He could picture himself a very happy man at that table. "Not feeling very conversational this evening, are we?" Colin asked, breaking into his (admittedly tame) fantasies." romance humor julia-quinn Julia Quinn
222b343 "Sparhawk grinned. "If Martel finds out that he's drinking again, he'll reach down his throat and pull his heart out." "Can you actually do that to a man?" "You can if your arm's long enough, and if you know what you're looking for.[...]" humor David Eddings
634e5bb "Jack," said Charles, "he's making up words again." "Yes," Jack replied, "but he's getting better at it, don't you think?" humor James A. Owen
84e999e "You never want to look in a mirror," Lula said. "Men love mirrors. They look at themselves doing the deed and they see Rex the Wonder Horse. Women look at themselves and think they need to renew their membership at the gym." sex humor mirror Janet Evanovich
2c2e15b My office is in a building in midtown Chicago. It's an older building, and not in the best of shape, especially since there was that problem with the elevator last year. I don't care what anyone says, that wasn't my fault. when a giant scorpion the size of an Irish wolfhound is tearing its way through the roof of your elevator car, you get real willing to take desperate measures. humor Jim Butcher
eee517f Pride is all very well, but a sausage is a sausage. humor pride food Terry Pratchett
b01771c "I doubt she'll welcome you if I tell her you undressed me." "Maybe she'll only welcome me." Smart-ass." funny humor smart-ass undressed kresely-cole poison-princess evie jack Kresley Cole
83bfb38 "Bashere shrugged, grinning brhind his grey-streaked moustaches, "When I first slept in a saddle, Muad Cheade was Marshal-General. The man was as mad as a hare in spring thaw. Twice every day he searched his bodyservant for poison, and he drank nothing but vinegar and water which he claimed was sovereign against the poison the fellow fed him, but he ate everything the man prepared for as long as I knew him. Once he had a grove of oaks chopped down because they were looking at him. And then insisted they be given decent funerals; he gave the oration. Do you have any idea how long it takes to dig graves for twenty-three oak trees?" "Why didn't somebody do something? His Family?" "Those not as mad as him, or madder, were afraid to look at him sideways. Tenobia's father wouldn't have let anyone touch Cheade anyway. He might have been insane, but he could outgeneral anyone I ever saw. He never lost a battle. He never even came close to losing." madness humor Robert Jordan
999ab16 There was no sense to life, to the structure of things. D.H. Lawrence had known that. You needed love, but not the kind of love most people used and were used up by. Old D.H. had known something. His buddy Huxley was just an intellectual fidget, but what a marvelous one. Better than G.B. Shaw with that hard keel of a mind always scraping bottom, his labored wit finally only a task, a burden on himself, preventing him from really feeling anything, his brilliant speech finally a bore, scraping the mind and the sensibilities. It was good to read them all though. It made you realize that thoughts and words could be fascinating, if finally useless. literature humor Charles Bukowski
114dbed "Bashere shrugged, grinning brhind his grey-streaked moustaches, "When I first slept in a saddle, Muad Cheade was Marshal-General. The man was as mad as a hare in spring thaw. Twice every day he searched his bodyservant for poison, and he drank nothing but vinegar and water which he claimed was sovereign against the poison the fellow fed him, but he ate everything the man prepared for as long as I knew him. Once he had a grove of oaks chopped down because they were looking at him. And then insisted they be given decent funerals; he gave the oration. Do you have any idea how long it takes to dig graves for twenty-three oak trees?" "Why didn't somebody do something? His Family?" "Those not as mad as him, or madder, were afraid to look at him sideways. Tenobia's father wouldn't have let anyone touch Cheade anyway. He might have been insane, but he could outgeneral anyone I ever saw. He never lost a battle. He never even came close to losing." -- madness humor Robert Jordan
aab9f40 [I] don't think I was trying to kill myself. I just wanted to hurt, and understand exactly whay I was hurting. This made sense: you cut, you felt pain, period. humor life Jodi Picoult
287d97a "Thankfully,two old friends stood next to the throne. Horus wore full battle armor and a khopesh sword at his side.is kohl-lined eyes-one gold, one silver-were as piercing as ever. At his side stood Isis in a shimmering white gown, with wings of light. "Welcome," Horus said. "Um, hi," I said. "He has a way with words," Isis muttered, which made Sadie snort." humor isis horus sadie Rick Riordan
cf66b39 Unfortunately this Electric Monk had developed a fault, and had started to believe all kinds of things, more or less at random. It was even beginning to believe things they'd have difficulty believing in Salt Lake City. religion humor mormonism robot Douglas Adams
bf88e3c "There's my baby!" I cried, quite carried away, "There's my poochiekins!" humor serpent-in-the-shadows children-s mythology Riordan Rick
ec4e1c4 "I want a room decorated with bones!" Dan said. "Where'd they come from?" "Cemeteries," Amy said. "Back in the 1700s, the cemeteries were getting overcrowded, so they decided to dig up tons of old bodies-all their bones-and move them into the Catacombs. The thing is...look at the dates. See when they started moving bones into the Catacombs?" Dan squinted at the screen. He didn't see what she was talking about. "Is it my birthday?" humor catacombs cahill dan the39clues bones Rick Riordan
c375ead Just don't ask me to deliver any more satyr babies and we'll get along great. humor joke Rick Riordan
46c5b6c At the age of fifteen he had bought off a twopenny stall in the market a duo-decimo book of recipes, gossip, and homilies, printed in 1605. His stepmother, able to read figures, had screamed at the sight of it when he had proudly brought it home. 1605 was 'the olden days', meaning Henry VIII, the executioner's axe, and the Great Plague. She thrust the book into the kitchen fire with the tongs, yelling that it must be seething with lethal germs. A limited, though live, sense of history. And history was the reason why she would never go to London. She saw it as dominated by the Bloody Tower, Fleet Street full of demon barbers, as well as dangerous escalators everywhere. humor london Anthony Burgess
f2d1ce1 All through the night, men looked at the sky and were saddened by the stars. war stars humor Joseph Heller
bef3f86 "She giggled, then popped a lollipop back in her mouth. "Okay, before you tell me no, I already cleared it with Ash." I frowned. "Cleared what?" "Ash is throwing a little New Year's Eve party at her house. It's just going to be a few of us. Daemon is going." "Uh, I doubt Ash is okay with me going to her party." "No, she is." Dee pinged around the living room like a captured butterfly. "She promised she'd be cool with it. I think you're growing on her." "Like mold," I muttered." humor dee-black katy-swartz Jennifer L. Armentrout
90973dd "She trailed after him, admiring the line of his back. He began climbing the stairs, and she sighed with pleasure. Every bit of him was gorgeous. "Do you mind if I objectify you?" "Please do," he said over his shoulder. "Particularly my knees, as they are oft-neglected." "Maybe if you ever got your pants off, they wouldn't be." "It hardly matters, sweet; once they've come off, the attention isn't likely to center on my absurdly handsome knees." beauty humor colin savi vanity Meljean Brook
7bbe6de "Fang swerved closer to me, big and supremely graceful, like a black panther with wings. Oh, God. I'm so stupid. Forget I just said that. "He needs a Band-Aid," I said. A look passed between me and Fang, full of suppressed humor, relief, understanding,love -- Forget I said that too. I don't know what's wrong with me." understanding funny friendship humor love flying wings relief lol James Patterson
758b2ec You barbarians!' he yelled. 'I'll sue the council for every penny it's got! I'll have you hung, drawn and quartered! And whipped! And boiled...until...until...until...until you've had enough.' Ford was running after him. Very very fast. 'And then I will do it again!' yelled Arthur, 'And when I've finished I will take all the little bits, and I will jump on them! violence humor science-fiction Douglas Adams
ce48d68 The Angel Gabriel disappeared once for sixty years and they found him on earth hiding in the body of a man named Miles Davis. humor miles-davis jazz Christopher Moore
ebb3079 I love it when my justifications for avoiding housework are actually legitimate. humor Julie Kenner
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