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Link Quote Stars Tags Author
5186f41 Love is mysterious and rad, like Steve Perry from Journey humor love Diablo Cody
73ca17b Mrs Forrester ... sat in state, pretending not to know what cakes were sent up, though she knew, and we knew, and she knew that we knew, and we knew that she knew that we knew, she had been busy all the morning making tea-bread and sponge-cakes. humor cakes tea-parties pretense modesty Elizabeth Gaskell
fe14e38 That scent she threw off was not anything by Chanel. Unless they'd recently added a Tragedy line. humor J.R. Ward
68c0064 "Oh, hello," Dr. M says, shaking Balder's hand. "Wonderful costume. I'm a bit of a role player myself on the weekends. Tell me, where did you get the helmet?" humor bovine bray helmet libba going Libba Bray
7bbe6de "Fang swerved closer to me, big and supremely graceful, like a black panther with wings. Oh, God. I'm so stupid. Forget I just said that. "He needs a Band-Aid," I said. A look passed between me and Fang, full of suppressed humor, relief, understanding,love -- Forget I said that too. I don't know what's wrong with me." understanding funny friendship humor love flying wings relief lol James Patterson
8defeba Yes; poor Bunbury is a dreadful invalid. Well, I must say, Algernon, that I think it is high time that Mr. Bunbury made up his mind whether he was going to live or to die. This shillyshallying with the question is absurd. humor life-and-death Oscar Wilde
f91c782 "Time plays tricks between here and home," said Mogget sepulchrally, frightening the life out of the telephone operator." time humor mogget Garth Nix
55f2dec Some time later there was a knock at his door. He was surprised to find it was now evening and the room was quite dark. The knock sounded again. The landlord was at the door. The landlord began to talk, but Strange could not understand him. This was because the man had a pineapple in his mouth. How he had managed to cram the whole thing in there, Strange could not imagine. Green, spiky leaves emerged slowly out of his mouth and then were sucked back in again as he spoke. Strange wondered if perhaps he ought to go and fetch a knife or a hook and try and fish the pineapple out, in case the landlord should choke. But at the same time he did not care much about it. 'After all,' he thought with some irritation, 'it is his own fault. He put it there. humor pineapple Susanna Clarke
9dc2e9c "Adamant," Doren said proudly, handing over the shield. "We fished it out of the tar pit where we found the shirt of mail." "Probably all belonged to the same careless adventurer," Newel speculated. "Too much money, not enough talent." money humor talent Brandon Mull
180e68b The Americans, who are the most efficient people on the earth, have carried [phrase-making] to such a height of perfection and have invented so wide a range of pithy and hackneyed phrases that they can carry on an amusing and animated conversation without giving a moment's reflection to what they are saying and so leave their minds free to consider the more important matters of big business and fornication. humor british authors W. Somerset Maugham
cc42d89 I realized I was going to get through this disappointing service, and anyway, you have to be somewhere: better here, where I have heard truth spoken so often, than, say, at the DMV, or home alone, orbiting my own mind. And it's good to be out where others can see you, so you can't be your ghastly spoiled self. It forces you to act slightly more elegantly, and this improves your thoughts, and thereby the world. religion humor Anne Lamott
6cc6e4a But if you eat this chap who's God,' said Llewelyn stoutly, 'how can it be horrible? If it's alright to eat God why is it horrible to eat Jim Whittle?' 'Because,' said Dymphna reasonably, ' if you eat God there's always plenty left. You can't eat God up because God just goes on and on and on and God can't ever be finished... religion humor Anthony Burgess
3a831ea Why is it when you want the ground to swallow you whole, it decides to stop trying? -Ethon humor Sherrilyn Kenyon
675798e The lights were off so that his heads could avoid looking at each other because neither of them was currently a particular engaging sight, nor had they been since he had made the error of looking into his soul. It had indeed been an error. It had been late one night-- of course. It had been a difficult day-- of course. There had been soulful music playing on the ship's sound system-- of course. And he had, of course, been slightly drunk. In other words, all the usual conditions that bring on a bout of soul searching had applied, but it had, nevertheless, clearly been an error. humor sci-fi Douglas Adams
d963485 Zaphod did not want to tangle with them and, deciding that just as discretion is the better part of valor, so was cowardice is the better part of discretion, he valiantly hid himself in a closet. humor cowardice Douglas Adams
99a3117 Wet towel under the door,' said Barry. 'It's what you do when you're smoking weed in a hotel and you don't want everyone calling security. You're always supposed to have a towel. I read about it in a guide for hitchhiking through the galaxy. humor Christopher Moore
ce48d68 The Angel Gabriel disappeared once for sixty years and they found him on earth hiding in the body of a man named Miles Davis. humor miles-davis jazz Christopher Moore
758b2ec You barbarians!' he yelled. 'I'll sue the council for every penny it's got! I'll have you hung, drawn and quartered! And whipped! And boiled...until...until...until...until you've had enough.' Ford was running after him. Very very fast. 'And then I will do it again!' yelled Arthur, 'And when I've finished I will take all the little bits, and I will jump on them! violence humor science-fiction Douglas Adams
80ea532 "She rolled her eyes. "Then what happened?" Rubbing his temples, he glanced at the door. "Bethany and I were making out and something happened that never happened before." humor dee Jennifer L. Armentrout
c431345 Anyone and everyone taking a writing class knows that the secret of good writing is to cut it back, pare it down, winnow, chop, hack, prune, and trim, remove every superfluous word, compress, compress, compress... Actually, when you think about it, not many novels in the Spare tradition are terribly cheerful. Jokes you can usually pluck out whole, by the roots, so if you're doing some heavy-duty prose-weeding, they're the first to go. And there's some stuff about the whole winnowing process I just don't get. Why does it always stop when the work in question has been reduced to sixty or seventy thousand words--entirely coincidentally, I'm sure, the minimum length for a publishable novel? I'm sure you could get it down to twenty or thirty if you tried hard enough. In fact, why stop at twenty or thirty? Why write at all? Why not just jot the plot and a couple of themes down on the back of an envelope and leave it at that? The truth is, there's nothing very utilitarian about fiction or its creation, and I suspect that people are desperate to make it sound manly, back-breaking labor because it's such a wussy thing to do in the first place. The obsession with austerity is an attempt to compensate, to make writing resemble a real job, like farming, or logging. (It's also why people who work in advertising put in twenty-hour days.) Go on, young writers--treat yourself to a joke, or an adverb! Spoil yourself! Readers won't mind! writing work humor Nick Hornby
1e0dcb5 It is a popular fact that nine-tenths of the brain is not used and, like most popular facts, it is wrong. Not even the most stupid Creator would go to the trouble of making the human head carry around several pounds of unnecessary gray goo if its only real purpose was, for example, to serve as a delicacy for certain remote tribesmen in unexplored valleys. humor Terry Pratchett
5cc7473 Neither claimed any responsibility for Milton Keynes, but both reported it as a success. humor milton-keynes Terry Pratchett
b0d49c9 The hippo of recollection stirred in the muddy waters of the mind. metaphor humor recollection memory Terry Pratchett
0199ba4 I think it's IMPOSSIBLE for anyone famous to come from here, because everyone around here is insane. humor Terry Pratchett
a05d84c "I brought you a snack," Takumi said, dropping an oatmeal cream pie onto my book. "Very nutritious," I smiled. "You've got your oats. You've got your meal. You've got your cream. It's a fuckin' food pyramid." humor John Green
c956a42 Some enterprising rabbit had dug its way under the stakes of my garden again. One voracious rabbit could eat a cabbage down to the roots, and from the looks of things, he'd brought friends. I sighed and squatted to repair the damage, packing rocks and earth back into the hole. The loss of Ian was a constant ache; at such moments as this, I missed his horrible dog as well. I had brought a large collection of cuttings and seeds from River Run, most of which had survived the journey. It was mid-June, still time--barely--to put in a fresh crop of carrots. The small patch of potato vines was all right, so were the peanut bushes; rabbits wouldn't touch those, and didn't care for the aromatic herbs either, except the fennel, which they gobbled like licorice. I wanted cabbages, though, to preserve a sauerkraut; come winter, we would want food with some taste to it, as well as some vitamin C. I had enough seed left, and could raise a couple of decent crops before the weather turned cold, if I could keep the bloody rabbits off. I drummed my fingers on the handle of my basket, thinking. The Indians scattered clippings of their hair around the edges of the fields, but that was more protection against deer than rabbits. Jamie was the best repellent, I decided. Nayawenne had told me that the scent of carnivore urine would keep rabbits away--and a man who ate meat was nearly as good as a mountain lion, to say nothing of being more biddable. Yes, that would do; he'd shot a deer only two days ago; it was still hanging. I should brew a fresh bucket of spruce beer to go with the roast venison, though . . . (Page 844) nature humor jamie-fraser outlander Diana Gabaldon
fba1a48 Never touch my brother on his fucking birthday. humor thomas-raith Jim Butcher
ccff4bb "A rolled-up newspaper landed on my head and then on Jim's. "None of that in my house!" Oh my gods. The alpha of Clan Cat just got smacked with a rolled-up newspaper. "Mom!" She pointed at me with the newspaper. "Do not shame me." I clamped my mouth shut. When she pulled out the shame card, it was all over." humor moms Ilona Andrews
05fbea2 Few humans see fairies or hear their music, but many find fairy rings of dark grass, scattered with toadstools, left by their dancing feet. fiction humor Judy Allen
f8460d5 "Haley and I would talk for hours about which member of 'N Sync we'd want to marry. After long deliberation, the answer was always J. C. Chasez. Joey Fatone's last name was going to be "Fat One" no matter how great he was, and even though they didn't know at their age that Lance Bass was gay outright, they sensed he'd make a better good friend and confidante. As for Justin Timberlake, well, JT was the coolest and hottest, but too flashy, so we couldn't trust him to be faithful. J. C. Chasez was the smart compromise." humor life ideal-man jc-chasez jt n-sync Mindy Kaling
fe50cd5 I guess maybe you don't get to be the Merlin of the White Council by saving up frequent-flier miles humor Jim Butcher
686df02 He's got this thing about Canada. He says it's like America only with health care and no guns, and you can live up to your potential there and not have to worry about what society thinks or about getting sick or getting shot. humor Ruth Ozeki
1918555 You brought me grenades. You are officially the best girlfriend ever. humor morganville shane claire weapons Rachel Caine
e97d405 Madelyne, we're married now. 'Tis a usual occurrence to bed one's wife on the wedding night. romance humor julie-garwood Julie Garwood
8793a14 "They could hear people complaining; one surly voice said, "I can't see no gas..." "That's because it's colorless," said Ginny in a convincingly exasperated voice, "but if you want to walk through it, carry on, then we'll have your body as proof for the next idiot who didn't believe us..." humor J.K. Rowling
1137a46 A pair of dolphins swept by us in the water, flicking their heads out to get a look at us as they went. One of them made a chittering sound that wasn't very melodic. The other twitched its tail and splashed a little water our way, all in good fun. They weren't the attractive Flipper kind of dolphins. They were regular dolphins that aren't as pretty and don't get cast on television. Maybe they just refused to sell out and see a plastic surgeon. I held up a fist to them. Represent. humor respect flipper Jim Butcher
d692344 "But they're already singing our praises!" "They are Americans. They toot their horns for anything." humor enthusiasm Scott Westerfeld
953c2a2 "Wonder of wonders, the box had Elvis. Immediately the bar seemed a better place. She fed in coins and then punched the keys for "Hound Dog." Too bad Elvis had never recorded one called "Dickhead." humor Jennifer Crusie
a59d585 He's spending a year dead for tax reasons. humor taxes Douglas Adams
d00d167 I'd rather eat nothing than eat a carrot. humor Marian Keyes
cf42a4b and, unlike the celebrated herd in the poem, they were not forty children conducting themselves as one, but every child was conducting itself like forty. humor Charles Dickens
6a8f0e2 "Very well," Beatrix said reluctantly. "But I warn you, they may be resistant to the match." "I'm resistant to the match," Christopher informed her. "At least we'll have that in common." humor proposal Lisa Kleypas
9508dfa The prospect of change is a many-fanged beast, my dear. humor Christopher Moore
08e88f8 "Yes," Curran said. "We'd like you to officiate." "I'm sorry?" "We'd like you to marry us," I said. Roman's eyes went wide. He pointed to himself. "Me?" "Yes," Curran said. "Marry you?" "Yes." "You do know what I do, right?" "Yes," I said. "You're Chernobog's priest." humor Ilona Andrews
9899310 He sniggered. He didn't like to think of himself as the sort of person who giggled or sniggered, but he had to admit that he had been giggling and sniggering almost continuously for well over half an hour now. humor laugh Douglas Adams
869820c He was having more fun than a barrelful of monkeys.* *Several years earlier Spider had actually been tremendously disappointed by a barrelful of monkeys. It had done nothing he had considered particularly entertaining, apart from emit interesting noises, and eventually, once the noises had stopped and the monkeys were no longer doing anything at all--except possibly on an organic level--had needed to be disposed of in the dead of night. humor Neil Gaiman
1288d36 "If we can expect another journey tomorrow, we should secure horses," Ferrin went on. "And if the sun will be shining, perhaps a goat for Aram." "Keep it up," Aram dared him through clenched teeth. "Is a goat too large and unruly?" Ferrin asked? "Maybe we should saddle a raccoon." "Odd how these taunts tend to fade after sundown," Aram growled, taking a large bite of bread. "But a new day always dawns," Ferrin replied. "And we can all use some entertainment." Aram glowered. "Then perhaps tonight I should pull you apart and let the others puzzle you back together." "That's the spirit!" Ferrin applauded. "Taunt back! I get the sense you've seldom had to deal with ridicule." Aram appeared to be resisting a pleased little smile." -- rebellion humor seeds mull Brandon Mull
7a974b1 Miss Vesper Holly has the digestive talents of a goat and the mind of a chess master. She is familiar with half a dozen languages and can swear fluently in all of them. She understands the use of a slide rule but prefers doing calculations in her head. She does not hesitate to risk life and limb- mine as well as her own. No doubt she has other qualities as yet undiscovered. I hope not. humor Lloyd Alexander
50c23d2 A classroom . People trying to stick me in classrooms was becoming as predictable and annoying as people trying to kill me, but with less-fun results. humor lol school James Patterson
a0554cd No one dressed by me ever looks like an idiot. humor inspirational Stephenie Meyer
fce8881 LADY BRACKNELL Algernon is an extremely, I may almost say an ostentatiously, eligible young man. He has nothing, but he looks everything. What more can one desire? humor Oscar Wilde
813ab05 "Then you do not belong here. Death holds no sweetness in this house. We are not warriors, nor soldiers, nor swaggering bravos puffed up with pride. We do not kill to serve some lord, to fatten our purses, to stroke our vanity. We never give the gift to please ourselves. Nor do we choose the ones we kill. We are but servants of the God of Many Faces." "Valar dohaeris." All men must serve. "You know the words, but you are too proud to serve. A servant must be humble and obedient." "I obey. I can be humbler than anyone." That made him chuckle. "You will be the very goddess of humility, I am sure. But can you pay the price?" "What price?" "The price is you. The price is all you have and all you ever hope to have. We took your eyes and gave them back. Next we will take your ears, and you will walk in silence. You will give us your legs and crawl. You will be no one's daughter, no one's wife, no one's mother. Your name will be a lie, and the very face you wear will not be your own." irony humor George R.R. Martin
d229d38 "The woman in charge of costuming assigned us our outfits and gave us a lecture on keeping things clean. She held up a calendar and said, "Ladies, you know what this is. Use it. I have scraped enough blood out from the crotches of elf knickers to last me the rest of my life. And don't tell me, 'I don't wear underpants, I'm a dancer.' You're not a dancer. If you were a real dancer you wouldn't be here. You're an elf and you're going to wear panties like an elf." humor David Sedaris
7bb5dbc "Gran, for the gods' love, it's talk like yours that starts riots!" I said keeping my voice down. "Will you just put a stopper in it?" She looked at me and sighed. "Girl, do you ever take a breath and wonder if folk don't put out bait for you? To see if you'll bite? You'll never get a man if you don't relax." My dear old Gran. It's a wonder her children aren't every one of them as mad as priests, if she mangles their wits as she mangles mine. "Granny, "I told her, "this is dead serious. I can't relax, no more than any Dog. I'm not shopping for a man. That's the last thing I need." humor baiting single-women granddaughter family-relationship grandmother bickering crazy Tamora Pierce
fbdb545 "They don't fit you?" V asked his roommate. "Not the point. No offense, but these are wicked Village People." Butch held his heavy arms out and turned in a circle, his bare chest catching the light. "I mean, come on." "They're for fighting, not fashion." "So are kilts, but you don't see me rocking the tartan." "And thank God for that. You're too bowlegged to pull that shit off." Butch assumed a bored expression. "You can bite me." , V thought. Butch and Vishous" romance humor vutch butch-vishous vishous vampire paranormal-romance J.R. Ward
76dd3b3 "Yes, we have different viewpoints represented among us," she continued. "Yes, we have a displacer in our number, and a half giant, and a seedman who publicly disgraced us." "She's talking about you," Drake muttered to Nollin, loud enough to draw a laugh. "No, Drake, I'm talking about you," Farfalee corrected." rebellion humor delegation seeds brandon mull Brandon Mull
d7e81ae I never met a pig I didn't like. pigs are intelligent, emotional, and sensitive souls. They love company. They crave contact and comfort. Pigs have a delightful sense of mischief; most of them seem to enjoy a good joke and appreciate music. And that is something you would certainly never suspect from your relationship with a pork chop. humor pigs sy-mongomery Sy Montgomery
a044d9a Children inherit their parents' madness. humor truth Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez
fcf383f It took less than an hour to make the atoms, a few hundred million years to make the stars and planets, but five billion years to make man! stars science humor cosmology physics creation George Gamow
39a3605 "Cool. I'm quiet, too." I arched a brow. He laughed. "Okay. I'm not quiet. I'm sure if you Wikipedia'd my ass, I would show up as the opposite of quiet. But that's okay. You and I would get along like lime and tequila. You can make up for my nonstop talkin' and I can make up for your lack of talkin'." He nudged my arm with his. "We're a perfect team!" The smile returned to my face. I didn't really know him but I liked him." humor unexpected-death unexpected-friendships Jennifer L. Armentrout
6b6b0ed If you lay a hand on me I'll ram your testicles so far up inside your abdomen it'll take a heart surgeon to get them out. humor orson Orson Scott Card
f0b7228 There's more than one way to skin a cat, my father used to say; it bothered me, I didn't see why they would want to skin a cat even one way. humor wisdom method Margaret Atwood
1a52fd5 We were restless for ages...After a while I heard an owl hooting and calmed myself by thinking of it flying over the dark fields - and then I remembered it would be pouncing on mice. I love owls, but I wish God had made them vegetarian. humor Dodie Smith
ddb357e For anyone of a rational disposition, fashion is often nearly impossible to fathom. Throughout many periods of history - perhaps most - it can seem as if the whole impulse of fashion has been to look maximally ridiculous. If one could be maximally uncomfortable as well, the triumph was all the greater. history humor Bill Bryson
790f5c4 "There are many other little refinements too, Mr. Bohlen. You'll see them all when you study the plans carefully. For example, there's a trick that nearly every writer uses, of inserting at least one long, obscure word into each story. This makes the reader think that the man is very wise and clever. So I have the machine do the same thing. There'll be a whole stack of long words stored away just for this purpose." Where?" In the 'word-memory' section," he said, epexegetically." humour funny humor Roald Dahl
90937e1 "Let come the forces of night! We will stand!" "We will get the hell out of here is what we will do," I muttered." funny humor fight Jim Butcher
932b6d6 "She crouched with her hand out. What the hell was she doing... "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty." Oh my God, she was retarded and I was going to kill Jim. She blinked and stared at me. She'd seen my eyes glow. I let go, shifting in the dark into my true form in the dark. If you want a Kitty, little girl, I'll give you one you'll never forget. I stepped into the moonlight. She froze. That's right. No sudden moves. I padded toward her slowly and circled her allowing her take it all in. Do you like the kitty now? I could smell her surprise and fear. Our gazes met. Her eyes went wide and then she fell on her ass. Heh. A bow would have been sufficient." humor kitty-kitty ilona-andrews kate-daniels Ilona Andrews
7dd10a0 Many things went on at Unseen University and, regrettably, teaching had to be one of them. The faculty had long ago confronted this fact and had perfected various devices for avoiding it. But this was perfectly all right because, to be fair, so had the students. humor students university Terry Pratchett
21f60bf Meow says the cat ,quack says the duck , Bow wow wow says the dog ! Grrrr! humor Charles Dickens
3a3b656 In my experience, what every true artist wants, really wants, is to be paid. humor artists-life Terry Pratchett
fb5ec11 Three weeks hadn't changed Cop Central. The coffee was still poisonous, the noise abominable, and the view out of her stingy window was still miserable. She was thrilled to be back. romance humor j-d-robb science-fiction J.D. Robb
438dcd1 It kind of struck me how great it would be to go out with a guy that size. And if you, you know, got tired of dating him, you could always use him as a house or something. humour funny humor size Catherine Gilbert Murdock
da8bde9 "Did it fall out?" Leo asked. "Is she bald?" "No, not at all. It's just that her hair is...green." To look at Leo's face, one would think it was Christmas morning. "What shade of green?" "Leo, hush," Win said urgently. "You are not to torment her. It's been a very trying experience. We mixed a peroxide paste to take the green out, and I don't know if it worked or not. Amelia was helping her to wash it a little while ago. And no matter what the result is, you are to say nothing." "You're telling me that tonight, Marks will be sitting at the supper table with hair that matches the asparagus, and I'm not supposed to remark on it?" He snorted. "I'm not that strong." "Please, Leo," Poppy murmured, touching his arm. "If it were one of your sisters, you wouldn't mock." "Do you think that little shrew would have any mercy on me, were the situations reversed?" He rolled his eyes as he saw their expressions. "Very well, I'll try no to jeer. But I make no promises." Leo sauntered toward the house in no apparent hurry. He didn't deceive either of his sisters. "How long do you think it will take him to find her?" Poppy asked Win. "Two, perhaps three minutes," Win replied, and they both sighed." -- humor Lisa Kleypas
d2e7d9d He wanted one drink, and understood precisely why he wasn't going to have one. One drink ended up arriving in a dozen glasses. drinking humor Terry Pratchett
bea4595 "Anyway, lots of warrior tribes think that when they die, they go to a heavenly land somewhere," said the toad. "You know, where they can drink and fight and feast forever? So maybe this is theirs." "But this is a real place!" "So? That's what they believe. Besides, they're only small. Maybe the universe is a bit crowded and they have to put heavens anywhere there's room? I'm a toad, so you'll appreciate that I'm having to guess a lot here." humor Terry Pratchett
ba3a19b "Listen, Harr,y can I have a go on it? Can I?" "I don't think anyone should ride that broom just yet!" said Hermoine shrilly. Harry and Ron looked at her. "What d'you think Harry's going to do with it - sweep the floor?" said Ron." harry-potter funny humor firebolt hermoine ron J.K. Rowling
6a0f551 "Nathan, how can you stand playing the same piece over and over again?" And Grandpa Nate answered, "Why don't you ask me how I can stand making love to the same woman over and over again?" sex music humor E. L. Konigsburg
682e865 "So, let's make a deal: If you do not voice all the withering comments about the weight or uselessness of this jacket that are no doubt swirling in that big brain of yours, then I will not mention the super-laser episode again. Agreed?" This jacket is really cutting into my shoulders, thought Artemis. And it's so heavy that I could not outrun a slug. But he said, "Agreed." humor butler Eoin Colfer
c2ce5be The whole telling part seemed a moot point now, but how could he explain what happened? Hey, honey, I'm an alien and apparently I just doused you with some radioactive loving! Wanna catch a movie? Yeah, not cool. humor Jennifer L. Armentrout
abdfd39 Callipygian: Having shapely buttocks. humor Stephanie Perkins
3b681ab Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage. marriage death humor love olivia twelfth-night wedding fool William Shakespeare
d288858 I know what you're thinking. 'How the hell does this broke ass piece of trailer trash know words like caveat,' right? Well guess what? I've read every single book on the New York Times list of 'Top 100 Literary Classics,' not to mention every Jane Austen, Sylvia Plath or Bronte sisters' book ever written. And fuck you very much for judging me, by the way. humor slut-shaming issues new-adult high-school teen sexual-abuse Isobel Irons
56a7e17 "You have a minute and a half left." "Fine," she snapped. "Then I'll reduce this conversation to one single fact. Today I had six callers. Six! Can you recall the last time I had six callers?" Anthony just stared at her blankly. "I can't," Daphne continued, in fine form now. "Because it has never happened. Six men marched up our steps, knocked on our door, and gave Humboldt their cards. Six men brought me flowers, engaged me in conversation, and one even recited poetry." Simon winced. "And do you know why?" she demanded, her voice rising dangerously. "Do you?" Anthony, in his somewhat belatedly arrived wisdom, held his tongue. "It is all because he"--she jabbed her forefinger toward Simon--"was kind enough to feign interest in me last night at Lady Danbury's ball." men humor Julia Quinn
24dc2ad Out here, it's better safe than sorry, because generally speaking, too much of the time sorry means you're dead. humor safe sorry proverbs Patricia C. Wrede
de90221 At 8:23 there seemed every chance of a lasting alliance starting between Florin and Guilder. At 8:24 the two nations were very close to war. war humor the-princess-bride William Goldman
fbdbddf Use that fluff of yours you call a brain. stupidity funny humor Agatha Christie
6b15065 I wonder how Admat can be everywhere. Is he in my sandal? Or is he my sandal itself? Why would a god bother to be a sandal? Does he wear shoes or sandals himself, invisible ones? humor sandals Gail Carson Levine
cf38dd6 New Rule: Conspiracy theorists who are claiming that we didn't really kill Bin Laden must be reminded that they didn't think he did the crime in the first place. Come on, nutjobs, keep your bullshit straight: The towers were brought down in a controlled demolition by George W. Bush to distract attention from Hawaii, where CIA operatives were planting phony birth records so that a Kenyan named Barack Obama could someday rise to power and pretend to take out the guy we pretended took out the Towers. And I know that's true because I just got it in an e-mail from Trump. humor donald-trump conspiracy-theories osama-bin-laden Bill Maher
442f884 "He turned to her. "Didn't you see the lightning strike the steeple?" She recovered with a sip of tea, then smiled sweetly. "I was listening too devotedly to the sermon." "Claptrap last week," Lady D announced. "I think the priest is getting old." Gareth opened his mouth, but before he could say a word, his grandmother's cane swung around in a remarkably steady horizontal arc. "Don't," she warned, "make a comment beginning with the words, 'Coming from you...'" "I wouldn't dream of it," he demurred. "Of course you would," she stated. "You wouldn't be my grandson if you wouldn't." She turned to Hyacinth. "Don't you agree?" To her credit, Hyacinth folded her hands in her lap and said, "Surely there is no right answer to that question." "Smart girl," Lady D said approvingly. "I learn from the master." Lady Danbury beamed." romance humor lady-d Julia Quinn
9528579 Of course those that have charm don't really need brains. humor Evelyn Waugh
d9d2b26 "This is a fierce bad rabbit; humor bunnies fierceness rabbits Beatrix Potter
e8ab94d I have made up my mind that I will never marry. I shall be wedded to my art. marriage humor L.M. Montgomery
437ea0d His thoughts inhabit a different plane from those of ordinary men; the simplest interpretation of that is to call him crazy. individuality humor differences Juliet Marillier
14b5648 On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn't keep in touch. They're probably taxi drivers and accountants by now. music humor Craig Ferguson
21713b9 He ought to buy her a new dress. She would never accept it, of course, but maybe if her current garments were accidentally burned... ...But how could he manage to burn her dress? She'd have to not be wearing it, and that posed a certain challenge in and of itself... humor Julia Quinn
ef25973 Renton looks at her and sees her pain and anger. It cuts him up. It confuses him. Kelly has a great sense of humour. What's wrong with her? The knee-jerk thought: Wrong time of the' month is forming in his head when he looks about and picks up the intonations of the laughter around the bar. It's not funny laughter. This is lynch mob laughter. How was ah tae know, he thinks. How the fuck was ah tae know? humor guy-culture Irvine Welsh
eb199b4 "New Rule: Just because a country elects a smart president doesn't make it a smart country. A couple of weeks ago, I was asked on CNN if I thought Sarah Palin could get elected president, and I said I hope not, but I wouldn't put anything past this stupid country. Well, the station was flooded with emails, and the twits hit the fan. And you could tell that these people were mad, because they wrote entirely in CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Worst of all, Bill O'Reilly refuted my contention that this is a stupid country by calling me a pinhead, which (a) proves my point, and (b) is really funny coming from a doody-face like him. Now, before I go about demonstration how, sadly, easy it is to prove the dumbness that's dragging us down, let me just say that ignorance has life-and-death consequences. On the eve of the Iraq War, seventy percent of Americans thought Saddam Hussein was personally involved in 9/11. Six years later, thirty-four percent still do. Or look at the health-care debate: At a recent town hall meeting in South Carolina, a man stood up and told his congressman to "keep your government hands off my Medicare," which is kind of like driving cross-country to protest highways. This country is like a college chick after two Long Island iced teas: We can be talked into anything, like wars, and we can be talked of anything, like health care. We should forget the town halls, and replace them with study halls. Listen to some of these stats: A majority of Americans cannot name a single branch of government, or explain what the Bill of Rights is. Twenty-four percent could not name the country America fought in the Revolutionary War. More than two-thirds of Americans don't know what's in . Two-thirds don't know what the Food and Drug Administration does. Some of this stuff you should be able to pick up simply by being alive. You know, like the way the kid knew about cricket. Not here. Nearly half of Americans don't know that states have two senators, and more than half can't name their congressman. And among Republican governors, only three got their wife's name right on the first try. People bitch and moan about taxes and spending, but they have no idea what their government spends money on. The average voter thinks foreign aid consumes more twenty-four percent of our budget. It's actually less than one percent. A third of Republicans believe Obama is not a citizen ad a third of Democrats believe that George Bush had prior knowledge of the 9/11 attacks, which is an absurd sentence, because it contains the words "Bush" and "knowledge." Sarah Palin says she would never apologize for America. Even though a Gallup poll say eighteen percent of us think the sun revolves around the earth. No, they're not stupid. They're interplanetary mavericks. And I haven't even brought up religion. But here's one fun fact I'll leave you with: Did you know only about half of Americans are aware that Judaism is an older religion than Christianity? That's right, half of America looks at books called the Old Testament and the New Testament and cannot figure out which came first. I rest my case." religion humor education intelligence healthcare-reform immature medicare war-in-iraq essays war-on-terror ignorance Bill Maher
10517dc LADY BRACKNELL Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years. Lady Dumbleton is an instance in point. To my own knowledge she has been thirty-five ever since she arrived at the age of forty, which was many years ago now. women humor Oscar Wilde
010a3d6 "There was no Disney World then, just rows of orange trees. Millions of them. Stretching for miles And somewhere near the middle was the Citrus Tower, which the tourists climbed to see even more orange trees. Every month an eighty-year-old couple became lost in the groves, driving up and down identical rows for days until they were spotted by helicopter or another tourist on top of the Citrus Tower. They had lived on nothing but oranges and come out of the trees drilled on vitamin C and checked into the honeymoon suite at the nearest bed-and-breakfast. "The Miami Seaquarium put in a monorail and rockets started going off at Cape Canaveral, making us feel like we were on the frontier of the future. Disney bought up everything north of Lake Okeechobee, preparing to shove the future down our throats sideways. "Things evolved rapidly! Missile silos in Cuba. Bales on the beach. Alligators are almost extinct and then they aren't. Juntas hanging shingles in Boca Raton. Richard Nixon and Bebe Rebozo skinny-dipping off Key Biscayne. We atone for atrocities against the INdians by playing Bingo. Shark fetuses in formaldehyde jars, roadside gecko farms, tourists waddling around waffle houses like flocks of flightless birds. And before we know it, we have The New Florida, underplanned, overbuilt and ripe for a killer hurricane that'll knock that giant geodesic dome at Epcot down the trunpike like a golf ball, a solid one-wood by Buckminster Fuller. "I am the native and this is my home. Faded pastels, and Spanish tiles constantly slipping off roofs, shattering on the sidewalk. Dogs with mange and skateboard punks with mange roaming through yards, knocking over garbage cans. Lunatics wandering the streets at night, talking about spaceships. Bail bondsmen wake me up at three A.M. looking for the last tenant. Next door, a mail-order bride is clubbed by a smelly ma in a mechanic's shirt. Cats violently mate under my windows and rats break-dance in the drop ceiling. And I'm lying in bed with a broken air conditioner, sweating and sipping lemonade through a straw. And I'm thinking, geez, this used to be a great state. "You wanna come to Florida? You get a discount on theme-park tickets and find out you just bough a time share. Or maybe you end up at Cape Canaveral, sitting in a field for a week as a space shuttle launch is canceled six times. And suddenly vacation is over, you have to catch a plane, and you see the shuttle take off on TV at the airport. But you keep coming back, year after year, and one day you find you're eighty years old driving through an orange grove." history humor eccentricity orange-groves speeches tourist-brochures space-shuttle florida vacation tourism Tim Dorsey
31e9444 "We English have perfect eyesight." Alec finally turned to look at her. "Are you jesting with me, wife?" "You decide, husband." "Aye, you are," Alec answered. "I've already learned all about the English sense of humor." "And what have you learned?" "You don't have any." humor Julie Garwood
17c17f0 "What flaw could you possibly find in his appearance?" "His posture," Hannah muttered. "What about it?" "He slouches." "He's an American. They all slouch. The weight of their wallets drags them over." humor posture wallets Lisa Kleypas
06fa495 Somewhere in the cosmos, he said, along with all the planets inhabited by humanoids, reptiloids, fishoids, walking treeoids and superintelligent shades of the color blue, there was also a planet entirely given over to ballpoint life forms. And it was to this planet that unattended ballpoints would make their way, slipping away quietly through wormholes in space to a world where they knew they could enjoy a uniquely ballpointoid lifestyle, responding to highly ballpoint-oriented stimuli, and generally leading the ballpoint equivalent of the good life. And as theories go this was all very fine and pleasant until Veet Voojagig suddenly claimed to have found this planet, and to have worked there for a while driving a limousine for a family of cheap green retractables, whereupon he was aken away, locked up, wrote a book and was finally sent into tax exile, which is the usual fate reserved for those who are determined to make fools of themselves in public. humor biro hitchiker hitchhikers-guide-to-the-galaxy pens Douglas Adams
0042b71 She introduced herself to my parents with one of her mighty, bunny-crushing handshakes. (I'd never seen Claudia crush a bunny, to be fair, but that's the approximate level of pressure.) humour humor Maureen Johnson
c30f435 "I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?' I said, 'I wanted this girl and she left me.' And he said,'Well, we have to look into that.' And I said, 'There's nothing to look into! I wanted her and she left me.' And he said, 'Well, why are you feeling so intense?' And I said, 'Cause I want the girl!' And he said, 'What's underneath it?' And I said, 'Nothing!' He said, 'I'll have to give you medication.' I said, 'I don't want medication! I want the girl!' funny humor film Woody Allen
66d7d3c American long for a closed society in which everything can be bought, where laborers are either hidden away or dressed up as nonhumans, so as not to be disconcerting. This place is called Disney World humor disney-world Adam Gopnik
04b3085 "You know, maybe we don't need enemies." "Yeah, best friends aree about all I can take." friends friendship humor enemies-and-friends Bill Watterson
c28ea72 "I need you to scry for Lousha," he said. "You told me once that you could." "Yeah, I can get you in her vicinity." Garreth had taken Lucia's scent into him and could find her from miles away. "That'll work." Witches could come in handy, he supposed. "But I don't do gratis." Garreth bluidy hated witches! "Charge me what you will! Just give me the fucking coordinates." In the background, he heard Bowen say, "Mari, never let it be said that I doona support your extortion--" "Entrepreneurial-ness," she corrected. "But a family discount, love, would no' be amiss." "The whole family? Fine," she said. "I'm scrying." While Garreth waited, she groused about how extended the "MacRieve pack" was." humor mari Kresley Cole
0d1e24f Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can't teach God anything. humor fight-club Chuck Palahniuk
569904f You can call me Pastor-and before Mr. Sox Fan gets his panties in a wad, I want everyone to know I'm legit. I went online, took a minister's course in under an hour, and I'm ordained, baby. humor lassiter j-r-ward the-king J.R. Ward
54b1f8f Arguing with a dead man in a lavatory is a claustrophobic experience. futility humor Ian McEwan
a0846d7 "I have an idea," I said. "This better not be a cunning plan," said Leslie. Nightingale looked blank, but at least it got a chuckle from Dr Walid." humor Ben Aaronovitch
1b0acd3 There are eight levels of wizardry on the Disc; after sixteen years Rincewind has failed to achieve even level one. In fact it is considered opinion of some of his tutors that he is incapable even of achieving level zero, which most normal people are born at; to put it another way, it has been suggested that when Rincewind dies the average occult ability of the human race will actually go up by a fraction. humor occult wizards Terry Pratchett
315343c I really don't think that was a good idea,'' Archer said, appearing in the open archway. ''To go sightseeing when you have half the government gunning for your ass. humor lux-series origin Jennifer L. Armentrout
97b854d "D'you know what that - (he called Snape something that made Hermoine say "Ron!")" - is making me do? I've got to scrub out the bedpans in the hospital wing. Without magic!" He was breathing deeply, his fists clenched. "Why couldn't Black have hidden in Snape's office, eh? He could have finished him off for us!" funny humor ron detention snape J.K. Rowling
33785c0 My father always said that government is like watching another man piss in your boot. Someone feels better but it certainly isn't you. humor government Orson Scott Card
8f4dbe8 There was a bird whistle as Polly neared the hiding place. She identified this one as the sound of the Very Bad Bird Impersonator... humor Terry Pratchett
9e87be6 I suppose I wanted to have my cake and eat it. But then again, what were you going to do with your cake if not eat it? Frame it? Use it as a sachet in your underwear drawer? humor Marian Keyes
93fdbb4 There were only two men on the planet better educated in the various martial arts than Butler, and he was related to one of them. The other lived on an island in the South China Sea, and spent his days meditating and beating up palm trees. You really had to feel sorry for those goblins. humor martial-arts Eoin Colfer
9ba9b66 I don't know why it is, Captain Short, but whenever you start agreeing with me, I get decidedly nervous. humor nervous uncertainty Eoin Colfer
0dc20ed "Sebastian it is. You can tell me what a patron saint is later, since I have no knowledge of such things. Sebastian Kane. "Sebastian Kane Cannon. You're going to marry me and use my last name, right?" "Is that supposed to be a proposal?" humor marriage-proposal children Christine Feehan
4d1d22f Who knows, my friend? Maybe the sword does have some magic. Personally, I think it's the warrior who wields it. magic humor squire-julian warrior Brian Jacques
50a7ad3 "You need a place just a click over middle range. Don't want to go all-out first time, but you don't want to run on the cheap either. You want atmosphere, but not stuffy. A nice established place." "Bob, you're going to give me an ulcer." "This is all ammunition, Cart. All ammo. You want to be able to order a nice bottle of wine. Oh, and after dinner, if she says how she doesn't want dessert, you suggest she pick one and you'll split it. Women love that. Sharing dessert's sexy. Do not go on and on about your job over dinner. Certain death. Get her to talk about hers, and what she likes to do. Then--" "Should I be writing this down?" friends humor love friendships Nora Roberts
d85a1fe Grace sat down where the chair wasn't. humor Ellen Raskin
4f84738 "Rehvenge, I'm talking to you more than I speak with my mahmen." "I thought your mother was dead." "She is." "You have a very low standard for communication." humor rehvenge black-dagger-brotherhood j-r-ward J.R. Ward
50510e2 "I bet you cook good, huh?" Darlene asked. "Mother doesn't cook," Ignatius said dogmatically. "She burns." humor John Kennedy Toole
3902eba Oh, this beer here is cold, cold and hop-bitter, no point coming up for air, gulp, till it's all--hahhhh. humor Thomas Pynchon
385d872 Ah, 6655321, think on the divine suffering. Meditate on that, my boy.' And all the time he had this rich manny von of Scotch on him, and then he went off to his little cantora to peet some more. So I read all about the scourging and the crowning with thorns and then the cross veshch and all that cal, and I viddied better that there was something in it. While the stereo played bits of lovely Bach I closed my glazzies and viddied myself helping in and even taking charge of the tolchocking and the nailing in, being dressed in a like toga that was the heighth of Roman fashion. So being in Staja 84F was not all that wasted, and the Governor himself was very pleased to hear that I had taken to like Religion, and that was where I had my hopes. religion humor Anthony Burgess
47ccbda Fate has a twisted sense of humor. humor ironic Amelia Atwater-Rhodes
09f5dc0 " "A man said to the universe, 'Sir, I exist!' 'Excellent,' replied the universe, 'I've been looking for someone to take care of my cats." humor stephen-crane Henry N. Beard
6565215 New Rule: You're never going to pick up women at a coffee shop pretending to be working on your laptop. You don't look like you're sensitive, you look like you're homeless.The last guy to pick up a chick with an Apple was Adam. And when you sit across from another dateless loser with a laptop, it still doesn't look like you're working--it looks like you're playing Battleship. humor dating Bill Maher
6c98896 You remember having friends who used to lampoon the world so effortlessly, crouching at the verge of every joke and waiting to pounce on it, and you remember how they changed as they grew older and the joy of questioning everything slowly became transformed into the pain of questioning everything, like a star consuming its own core. humor joking questions wit Kevin Brockmeier
b4551d6 " Rachel could see Corinne talking to Jason, but they were too far ahead to hear. rebellion humor seeds brandon mull zombies Brandon Mull
4acbf8d "Your pants didn't get smaller, Mommy," I assured her. "Your butt got bigger." humor silly Gordon Korman
79f776e Vous eprouves trop d'emotion, Hastings, It affects your hands and your wits. Is that a way to fold a coat? And regard what you have done to my pyjamas. If the hairwash breaks what will befall them?' 'Good heavens, Poirot,' I cried, 'this is a matter of life and death. What does it matter what happens to our clothes?' 'You have no sense of proportion Hastings. We cannot catch a train earlier than the time that it leaves, and to ruin one's clothes will not be the least helpful in preventing a murder. humor Agatha Christie
c151b49 Just to keep the bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death. irony humor humorous-quotations ironic Terry Pratchett
fc0c248 From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong? humor rock-and-roll Craig Ferguson
81cc43e "Objection!" Metz shouts. Grounds?" the judge asks. Well...he's my witness!" humor Jodi Picoult
f76c3a9 Was it my fault that I got out of hand? --Loki humour funny humor loki Joanne Harris
8eb2288 "What about volcanoes?" "What about them?" "All that lava comes up from center of the earth where it is all hot. I saw a program, it had David Attenborough, so it's true." humor the-them Neil Gaiman
8785f5a Monsters are getting more uppity, too (...) I heard where this guy, he killed this monster in this lake, no problem, stuck its arm up over the door (...) and you know what? Its mum come and complained. Its actual mum come right down to the hall next day and complained. Actually complained. That's the respect you get. humor grendel parody Terry Pratchett
7d61dd4 "I found this, though," Gazzy said excitedly, holding up a small green box. "Gas-X! Like, 'X' for explosion! This is great! I'm thinking I rig this with a detonator and-" "Did you find that in the medicine cabinet?" Dylan asked. "Yeah." "It's for upset stomachs," Dylan said, trying to hide a smile. He pointed to the words on the box. "It's to reduce gas in you digestive system, not to create more gas to make explosions." Gazzy's face fell as Iggy said, "Really? Gazzy, take it! Take the whole box!" funny humor iggy-i-love-you gas lol James Patterson
b807d60 But that's how it goes; you think you're on top of the world, and suddenly they spring Armageddon on you. humor Neil Gaiman
577bb48 Babies don't come with instruction booklets. You'd learn the same way we all do -- you'd read up on dinosaurs, you'd Google backhoes and skidders. And you don't need a penis to go buy a baseball glove. humor life parenting Jodi Picoult
65fa134 The airport bookstore did not sell books, only bestsellers, which Sita Dulip cannot read without risking a severe systemic reaction. humor Ursula K. Le Guin
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