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f58de55 "I walked in without knocking. The screen door banged to a close behind me announcing my presence. I followed my nose to the kitchen and found Kaleb standing by the stove. He stirred something that smelled absolutely delicious a wooden spoon in one hand and a huge chef's knife in the other. "Are you sober?" I asked from the doorway. He turned and leveled a smile at me that made me a little wobbly. "I am." "Good. Because if not I was going to take the deadly kitchen utensil away from you." I crossed the room and pulled myself up to sit on the counter beside the stove. A cutting board full of green peppers and two uncut stalks of celery waited for attention from the knife. Melted butter and diced onions bubbled in a saute pan on the stove. "You cook." Kaleb was so pretty I was jealous. Pretty with ripped muscles and a tattoo of a red dragon covering most of his upper body. "Yes," he said. "I cook." "Do you usually wear a wife beater and," I pushed him back a little by his shoulder "an apron that says 'Kiss the Cook' while you're doing it? " He leaned so close to me my heart skipped a couple of beats. "I'll wear it all the time if you'll consider it." humor kaleb-ballard Myra McEntire
e2765c2 "When she emerged, Keith was watching the tiny round window of the under-the-counter washing machine. "Put your clothes in for a wash," he said. "They were disgusting." Ginny always thought that the only way of getting clothes clean was by drowning them in scalding water and then whipping them around in a violent centrifugal motion that caused the entire washing machine to vibrate and the floor to shake. You beat them clean. You made them suffer. This machine used about half a cup of water and was about as violent as a toaster, plus it stopped every few minutes, as if it were exhausted from the effort of turning itself. Sluff, sluff, sluff sluff. Rest. Rest. Rest. Click. Sluff, sluff, sluff, sluff. Rest. Rest. Rest. "Who thought to put a window on a washing machine?" Keith asked. "Does anyone just sit and watch their wash?" You mean, besides us?" "Well," he said, "yeah. Is there any coffee?" humour humor ginny keith Maureen Johnson
656c965 "Do you know how wizards like to be buried?" "Yes!" "Well, how?" Granny Weatherwax paused at the bottom of the stairs. "Reluctantly." humor wizards Terry Pratchett
a069dd2 "I just... I understand you might want to start dating more seriously, and that means dating someone from town. But if you're going to do that..." This time he took a long drink of coffee, and the mug was still at his lips when he said, "I like Daniel. He takes care of you." I blinked. "Oh my God. Did you really just say that? He takes of me?" Dad flushed. "I didn't mean it like-" "Takes of me? Did I go to sleep and wake up in the nineteenth century?" I looked down at my jeans and T-shirt. "Ack! I can't go to school like this. Where's my corset? My bonnet?" humor the-gathering kelley-armstrong Kelley Armstrong
b5aa127 A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions. humor society George Eliot
3961cf1 "Shigure: "That's lovely. She's so... how shall I say it? By putting it into words I'm afraid the nobility of it all would only be obscured." Yuki: "Of what?" Shigure: "You know, she's so spunky!" Kyo: "You sick bastard!" humor manga yuki kyo shigure natsuki-takaya Natsuki Takaya
3f3e12b Art is anything you can get away with. humor Marshall McLuhan
7b2bbf2 "Ella was fluttering above him, dodging missiles and calling out advice: "The groin. The Earthborn's groin is sensitive." SMASH! "Good. Yes. Tyson found its groin." humor tyson Rick Riordan
f67565d "Are you all right?" he asked Olivia. His heart was still racing with terror that she'd been hurt. "I heard a woman scream." "Ah, that would have been me," Sebastian said. Harry looked down on his cousin, face frozen in disbelief. "You made that noise?" "It hurt," Sebastian bit off. Harry fought not to laugh. "You scream like a leettle girl." humor cousins Julia Quinn
a56a6d0 Why can't we for once have a meeting in Starbucks? humor butler eoin-colfer Eoin Colfer
6935e2a I'll tell you something. Once I was very fond of a poem by Emily Dickinson or somebody. I only remember one line of it, but it goes, 'The soul selects her own society.' I used to tell it to everybody. Once I quoted it to a friend of mine, and he said, 'Maybe, but the body gets thrown into bed with the goddamnedest people. sex humor Peter S. Beagle
c53af7d "Of all the Hathaway sisters," Cam said equably, "Beatrix is the one most suited to choose her own husband. I trust her judgment." Beatrix gave him a brilliant smile. "Thank you, Cam." "What are you thinking?" Leo demanded of his brother-in-law. "You can't trust Beatrix's judgment." "Why not?" "She's too young," Leo said. "I'm twenty-three," Beatrix protested. "In dog years I'd be dead." marriage humor hathaways Lisa Kleypas
d0da66d "Go out and ask her into the alley." Clay looked at Jeremy as if he'd just been told to dance the rumba on a public thoroughfare. I bit back a laugh. "Just walk over to her and point at the alley. Maybe say...I don't know...something like 'fifty bucks.' " I looked at Jeremy. "Does that sound right? Fifty?" His brows shot up. "Why are you asking me?" "I wasn't--I just meant, as a general..." I threw up my hands. "How am I supposed to know how much a hooker costs?" humor jeremy Kelley Armstrong
d319a4d "Captain Phelan and I dislike each other," Beatrix told her. "In fact, we're sworn enemies." Christopher glanced at her quickly. "When did we become sworn enemies?" Ignoring him, Beatrix said to her sister, "Regardless, he's staying for tea." "Wonderful," Amelia said equably. "Why are you enemies, dear?" "I met him yesterday while I was out walking," Beatrix explained. "And he called Medusa a 'garden pest,' and faulted me for bringing her to a picnic." Amelia smiled at Christopher. "Medusa has been called many worse things around here, including 'diseased pincushion,' and 'perambulating cactus." names humor Lisa Kleypas
1e2a995 There ain't a body, be it mouse or man, that ain't made better by a little soup. humor Kate DiCamillo
83b4c00 By the time she had interpreted Harry's dreams at the top of her voice (all of which, even the ones that involved eating porridge, apparently foretold a gruesome and early death), he was feeling much less sympathetic toward her. harry-potter humor professor-trelawney order-of-the-phoenix j-k-rowling harry J.K. Rowling
8596faf Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked. How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee? humor paper towns pee John Green
9d4d505 College wasn't like the real world. In the real world people dropped names based on their renown. In college, people dropped names based on their obscurity. humor Jeffrey Eugenides
17e9cb8 Your own brain ought to have the decency to be on your side! sanity humor life insanity Terry Pratchett
f838c7f "I think so," she [Claire] said. "Just watch your back, okay?" "Nah, Michael's got mine." He [Shane] looked straight into her eyes. "I've got yours." funny humor eve-rosser myrnin michael-glass ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine shane-collins vampire vampires Rachel Caine
4f3f3e1 The opportunity was too perfect to miss. Harry crept silently around behind Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle, bent down, and scooped a large handful of mud out of the path. 'We were just talking about your friend Hagrid,' Malfoy said to Ron. 'Just trying to imagine what he's saying to the Committee for the Disposal of Dangerous Creatures. D'you think he'll cry when they cut off his hippogriff's--' SPLAT. Malfoy's head jerked back as the mud hit him; his silverblond hair was suddenly dripping in muck. humor naughty mud sneers sneaky malfoy trouble J.K. Rowling
e07a662 "Claire said. "I might be able to get him to stop." "Who, crazy dude? Maybe. Or he might pull your head off," Shane said. "I kind of worry." She couldn't help but smile. "Yeah?" "A little bit." "That's ...nice." He studied her, and returned the smile. "Yeah," he said. "Kind of is, actually." funny humor eve-rosser myrnin michael-glass ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine shane-collins teacher vampire vampires Rachel Caine
6ede976 He'd been an angel once. He hadn't meant to Fall. He'd just hung around with the wrong people. humor Terry Pratchett
2cb45cb It was nice to hear the voices of little children at play, provided you took care to be far enough away not to hear what they were actually saying. terry-pratchett humor hogfather Terry Pratchett
56e0ffb Mister Cameron - I have read the unexpurgated Ovid, the love poems of Sappho, the Decameron in the original, and a great many texts in Greek and Latin histories that were not though fit for proper gentlemen to read, much less proper ladies. I know in precise detail what Caligula did to, and with, his sisters, and I can quote it to you in Latin or in my own translation if you wish. I am interested in historical truth, and truth in history is often unpleasant and distasteful to those of fine sensibility. I frankly doubt that you will produce anything to shock me. history humor latin Mercedes Lackey
8a5ca00 "Sam's phone buzzed. She fished it out of her pocket, checked the screen, and cursed. "I have to go." "You just got here." "Valkyrie business. Possible code three-eight-one: heroic death in progress." "You're making that up." "I'm not." "So...what, somebody thinks they're about to die and they text you 'Going down! Need Valkyrie ASAP!' followed by a bunch of sad-face emojis?" humorous humour funny humor humorous-quote humorous-quotations Rick Riordan
5aec00c "Go play your games with Jim. I'll find you both when I need you." Arrogant asshole. "I tell you what, if you find us before those three days run out, I'll cook you a damn dinner and serve it to you naked." "Is that a promise?" "Yes. Go fuck yourself." humor magic-strikes kate-daniels flirting Ilona Andrews
b60187a "Two farewell gifts," Sadie muttered, "from two gorgeous guys. I hate my life." romance humor kane throne-of-fire walt kane-chronicles sadie sadie-kane Rick Riordan
cbd4c18 Kids are baby goats. They're cute and they have redeeming social value. You are definitely not kids. kids humor goats Rick Riordan
8a6547e Hell, we my end up killing each other over something stupid next week. It's a possibility. But all I do know is what I feel for you isn't going anywhere. humor Jennifer L. Armentrout
8fc5294 You and me-we've whored together. We've fought together.And I still dunna understand how ye always seems to know where the money is hidden and the liquor is stored and the scandals are richest.' It's a gift. humor gifts Christina Dodd
1b48609 I don't eat chicken abortions! humor chicken-abortions gossip-girl Cecily von Ziegesar
5db5737 "She has great breasts," the Colonel said without looking up from the whale. "DO NOT OBJECTIFY WOMEN'S BODIES!" Alaska shouted. Now he looked up. "Sorry. Perky breasts." "That's not any better!" humor wise John Green
3aa9b0a You're dead, George. You just don't have the sense to lie down. humor Stephen King
0c4693b Charm is often despised but I can never see why. No one has it who isn't capable of genuinely liking others, at least at the actual moment of meeting and speaking. Charm is always genuine; it may be superficial but it isn't false. humour humor xan theo false genuine P.D. James
23abf2b "I believe in reincarnation," [Bjorn] said. I KNOW. "I tried to live a good life. Does that help?" THAT'S NOT UP TO ME. Death coughed. OF COURSE... SINCE YOU BELIEVE IN REINCARNATION... YOU'LL BE BJORN AGAIN." death humor puns reincarnation discworld Terry Pratchett
fc3ad15 Sucks to be left out of adolescence, sort of like getting locked in the closet on Venus when the sun appears for the first time in a hundred years. humor ray-bradbury nerdiness science-fiction Junot Díaz
49f1bbf "Ourchestra: So you haven't got a drum, just beat your belly. So I haven't got a horn-I'll play my nose. So we haven't any cymbals- We'll just slap our hands together, And though there may be orchestras That sound a little better With their fancy shiny instruments That cost an awful lot- poems humor Shel Silverstein
6b72520 When you're on a Ferris wheel all anyone ever talks about is being on the Ferris wheel and the view from the Ferris wheel and whether the Ferris wheel is scary and how many more times it will go around. Dating is like that. Nobody who's doing it ever talks about anything else. I have no interest in dating. humor ferris-wheel John Green
7ae663c He's acting as foolish as a kitten... but then, everyone's entitled to a little foolishness once in a while. humor wisdom Christopher Paolini
6e4059d The Maker of the universe with stars a hundred thousand light-years apart was interested, furious, and very personal about it if a small boy played baseball on Sunday afternoon. religion humor Sinclair Lewis
0984752 "You're playing the creepy vibe a little hard," I said. "Might as well go for broke, put on a black top hat and pipe in some organ music." humor harry-dresden Jim Butcher
287b50b Oh, I adore to cook. It makes me feel so mindless in a worthwhile way. humor Truman Capote
5fe2c7f "Just remember that you're on my list, Marcone. Soon as I get done with all the other evils in this town, you won't be the lesser of them anymore." Marcone stared at me with half-lidded eyes and said, "Eek." humor johnnie-marcone sarcasm Jim Butcher
dea607e "Ella, just stay here. Stay safe." "Safe," Ella repeated. "Ella likes being safe. Safety in numbers. Safety deposit boxes. Ella will go with Tyson." "What?" Percy said. "Oh... fine, whatever. Just don't get hurt. And Mrs. O'Leary--" "ROOOF." "How do you feel about pulling a chariot?" -- humor mrs-o-leary son-of-neptune tyson heroes-of-olympus percy-jackson-and-the-olympians percy Rick Riordan
d1afa4d Thank God for wisecracks. humor Jim Butcher
f90d934 It's ironic that as scientists that don't believe in god, were the ones that are closest to god. humor Hiromu Arakawa
a63c33d Why would Roman gods want to date Chinese Canadians? humor grandmother son-of-neptune heroes-of-olympus percy-jackson-and-the-olympians Rick Riordan
8bc7c09 "I just pulled a pretty big job and needed to hide out for awhile." "...Where's all the loot?" "That, as my cousin Nord would say, is where my improvised lie falls apart." Artemis put two and two together and arrived at a very unpleasant four. "You were here to rob me!" "No, I wasn't. How dare you?!" humor mulch theif Eoin Colfer
db646f4 "There are no insect eggs in my food." Mrs. White reiterated. You should use that in your advertising," Nate suggested." humor insect-eggs Brandon Mull
04ad97c It'd be great to be so famous that if I murder someone, I will never, ever, ever serve any jail time, even if it's totally obvious to everyone that I did it. murder humor kaling mindy fame popularity Mindy Kaling
0e4534e I go on the presumption that everyone's full of shit until proven otherwise, and this usually serves me in good stead. character humor humor-inspirational Dennis Lehane
35634f4 Though the doctors treated him, let his blood, and gave him medications to drink, he nevertheless recovered. humor medicine Leo Tolstoy
f547d17 "If you hear a "prominent" economist using the word 'equilibrium,' or 'normal distribution,' do not argue with him; just ignore him, or try to put a rat down his shirt." humor randomness Nassim Nicholas Taleb
e54f0bf Nobody knows anything...... Not one person in the entire motion picture field knows for a certainty what's going to work. Every time out it's a guess and, if you're lucky, an educated one. humor luck William Goldman
28b1181 "And now you're off to Port Caynn. Watch them sailor lads. They'll have your skirts up and a babe in your belly afore you know what you're about." "Everyone keep warning me about sailors," I complained. "Why can't someone tell the sailors to stay clear of me?" Granny snorted. "Oh, you're the fierce one now! Just take care no one else catches you unawares and knocks you on the nob!" sex men warning humor sailors grandmother Tamora Pierce
7a79069 Archbishop James Usher (1580-1656) published in 1654, which suggested that the Heaven and the Earth were created in 4004 B.C. One of his aides took the calculation further, and was able to announce triumphantly that the Earth was created on Sunday the 21st of October, 4004 B.C., at exactly 9:00 A.M., because God liked to get work done early in the morning while he was feeling fresh. This too was incorrect. By almost a quarter of an hour. The whole business with the fossilized dinosaur skeletons was a joke the paleontologists haven't seen yet. This proves two things: Firstly, that God moves in extremely mysterious, not to say, circuitous ways. God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players, [ie., everybody.] to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch-dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a Dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who Secondly, the Earth's a Libra. humor Terry Pratchett
682adaa "Personally, I think sex should be like math. At school. No one really cares if they're crap at math. They even proclaim it. They'll say to anyone, "Yeah, I don't mind science and English, but I'm absolutely shithouse at math." And other people will laugh and say,"Yeah, me too. I would have a clue about all that logarithm shit. You should be able to say that about sex too. You should be proudly able to say, "Yeah I wouldn't have a clue about all that orgasm shit, ay. I'm okay at everything else but when it comes to that part I wouldn't have a clue." -- sex humor Markus Zusak
a7ac17d "I got bored," he says. "Besides, you know what's creepier than walking around your dead brothers' apartment? Sitting alone in a hearse in front of his apartment." dark friends humor Holly Black
2c1e36a "You do not mind my humor?" "Not at all. I've not laughed like this ..." His brows drew together. "I think I've never laughed like this." "Usually I exasperate people. And I jest at inappropriate times. Such as during executions. Freya says 'tis my gift and my bane to frustrate others." "I like your manner, Reginleit. Life is long without humor." humor radiant-ones regan-the-radiant declan-chase dreams-of-a-dark-warrior lore valkyrie immortals-after-dark kresley-cole berserker paranormal-romance Kresley Cole
e8904a3 One might be led to suspect that there were all sorts of things going on in the Universe which he or she did not thoroughly understand. humor satire sarcastic-humor Kurt Vonnegut
0562b8d "I'm fairly certain, Captain," she said, "that the more you discover about me, the more you will dislike me. Therefore, let's cut to the chase and acknowledge that we don't like each other. Then we won't have to bother with the in-between part." She was so bloody frank and practical about the whole thing that Christopher couldn't help but be amused. "I'm afraid I can't oblige you." "Why not?" "Because when you said that just now, I found myself starting to like you." "You'll recover," she said. Her decisive tone made him want to smile. "It's getting worse, actually," he told her. "Now I'm absolutely convinced that I like you." Beatrix gave him a patently skeptical stare. "What about my hedgehog? Do you like her, too?" Christopher considered that. "Affection for rodents can't be rushed." "Medusa isn't a rodent. She's an erinaceid." romance humor hedgehog Lisa Kleypas
df377ff Never ask an elf for help; they might decide your better off dead, eh? humor ironic page-207 orik random Christopher Paolini
7949330 Ministry of Magic (M.O.M) Classification. xxxxx Known wizard killer / impossible to train or domesticate / or anything Hagrid likes harry-potter humor hagrid J.K. Rowling
8003133 "Time to sit down," Fred told Harry, "Or we're going to get run over by the bride." humor J.K. Rowling
e41e7c5 It seemed to me,' said Wonko the Sane, 'that any civilization that had so far lost its head as to need to include a set of detailed instructions for use in a package of toothpicks, was no longer a civilization in which I could live and stay sane. humor wonko-the-sane h2g2 hitchhikers-guide-to-the-galaxy logic Douglas Adams
1cddc38 Nick: How? Are you a vampire or something? What made you immortal? Acheron: Real good DNA. humor Sherrilyn Kenyon
a6b089e "Stomp stomp. Whirr. Pleased to be of service. Shut up. Thank you. Stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp. Whirr. Thank you for making a simple door very happy. Hope your diodes rot. Thank you. Have a nice day. Stomp stomp stomp stomp. Whirr. It is my pleasure to open for you... Zark off. ...and my satisfaction to close again with the knowledge of a job well done. humor random Douglas Adams
79489b7 "I'm faster than the rest of you, if .. Because I'm a vampire," Michael said, and it was some kind of breakthrough for him to say that. "If you get in trouble, I'll be there." "Nice," Shane said. "I'm warming up to this bloodsucking thing, Mikey." "No, you're not." "Okay, no, I'm not, but right now let's pretend I am." funny humor eve-rosser myrnin michael-glass ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine shane-collins vampire vampires Rachel Caine
85cdab9 "Well, friend, I don't know about your tastes, but I tend to like it very bloody," Myrnin said. He shifted position, dragging Claire along like a rag doll without any effort at all. "Have we been introduced?" "Probably not. Why, are you asking me out, sweetheart?" "You're not my type, darling. Is this one yours?" "No," Frank said, and looked at Shane, just in a quick flicker. "Let's say she's a friend of the family." funny humor eve-rosser myrnin michael-glass ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine shane-collins vampire vampires Rachel Caine
87a1804 Sarcasm is when you tell someone the truth by lying on purpose. lying lies humor truth sarcasm Chuck Klosterman
d234f4d He snuffles. Oh, no. He's not going to cry, is he? Because even though it's sweet when guys cry, I am so not prepared for this. Girl scouts didn't teach me what to do with emotionally unstable drunk boys. humor girl-scuts crying drunk Stephanie Perkins
58ed23e "And he gave it for his opinion, "that whoever could make two ears of corn, or two blades of grass, to grow upon a spot of ground where only one grew before, would deserve better of mankind, and do more essential service to his country, than the whole race of politicians put together." -- politics humor Jonathan Swift
bc382e9 Didn't people consider what could happen if armies of farm animals united in revolt? humor farm-animals revolt J.D. Robb
8c27e7e "The "Wet Tongue Gets Stuck To A Frozen Flagpole" attack!" humor fullmetal-alchemist fighting Hiromu Arakawa
8f03240 "This was a few weeks ago," Annabeth said. "Percy told me a crazy story about meeting a boy our near Moriches Bay. Apparently this kid used hieroglyphs to cast spells. He helped Percy battle a crocodile monsters." "The Sob of Sobek!" Sadie blurted. "But my battled that monster. He didn't say anything about-" "Is your brother's name Carter?" Annabeth asked. An angry golden aura flickered around Sadie's head-a halo of hieroglyphs that resembled frowns, fists, and dead stick men. "As of this moment," Sadie growled, "My brother's name is Punching Bag." humor the-kane-chronicles the-son-of-sobek the-staff-of-serapis carter-kane heroes-of-olympus percy-jackson sadie-kane Rick Riordan
5c82a4c "Hang on," Sadie said. She stomped right up to the throne. Ammit growled at her, but Sadie growled back, which confused the monster into silence. "What are you?" she demanded. "My dad? Osiris? Are you even alive?" Dad looked at Anubis. "What did I tell you about her? Fiercer than Ammit, I said." "You didn't need to tell me." Anubis's face was grave."I've learned to fear that sharp tongue." Sadie looked outraged. "excuse me?" humor osiris sadie Rick Riordan
0356ca8 Any time I'm not shooting my mouth off to a cliched, two-bit creature of the night like you, it's because I'm up to something. humor Jim Butcher
d1aa285 Jack didn't fully get Jesus. Audrey tried to explain it, and he could repeat it back to her, word for word, but he still didn't comprehend most of it. The best he could gather was that Jesus lived long ago, told people to be nice, and they killed him for it. At the end, he asked who was Jesus' necromancer and if he was in the Bible, then Kaldar couldn't stop laughing and had to sit down. jesus religion humor necromancer joke Ilona Andrews
e132a57 The best thing about my faerie godmother is that the creepy just keeps on coming. humor leanansidhe Jim Butcher
13004e9 "Yes," he said. "I am sure. I double-checked everything after you went home yesterday. I even made a few improvements, just in case." The first part of that reassured her. The second part... not so much. "What kind of improvements?" "Oh, nothing, really. Mostly just streamlining. You really did very well; I certainly don't want you to think that I am one of those people who has to be in control all the- Oh, well, I suppose that's actually true- I do have to be in control all the time. But only because I am in charge, of course." funny humor myrnin ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine vampire vampires Rachel Caine
22d7eb1 "When he heard there was nothing to eat, he sat down and wept... "Why did I ever wake up!" he cried." humor hobbit J.R.R. Tolkien
46c74b0 but then again, they were like baby Einsteins on crack. humor origin katy-swartz Jennifer L. Armentrout
82ba785 Her sculptured face was as perfect as a painting. humor Christopher Paolini
f0c7024 Never confuse honor with stupidity! stupidity humor R.A. Salvatore
a47e1f5 It takes real planning to organize this kind of chaos. humor Mel Odom
b1608bb "Shame, child, is for those who fail to live up to the ideal of what they believe they should be." She waved her hand. "It was shame that drove me to my queen, to beseech her aid." Her long, delicate fingers idly moved to the streaks of white in her otherwise flawless red tresses. "But she showed me the way back to myself, through exquisite pain, and now I am here to watch over my dear godson--and the rest of you, as long as it is quite convenient." Spooky death Sidhe lady," Molly said. "Now upgraded to spooky, death Sidhe lady." humor leanansidhe molly-carpenter Jim Butcher
5f50d6f "Cleavage is great," she said. "Like an extra pocket." humor rae kelley-armstrong Kelley Armstrong
b2b2a9c "Do you see that man in the black Porsche?" I asked the women. They squinted out at Ranger. "Yes," they said."Your partner." "He's homeless. He's looking for a place to stay and he might be interested in renting Singh's room." Mrs.Apusenja's eyes widened. "We could use the income."She looked at Nonnie and then back at Ranger. "Is he married?" "Nope. He's single. He's a real catch." Connie did something between a gasp and a snort and buried her head back behind the computer. "Thank you for everything." Mrs.Apusenja said. "I suppose you are not such a bad slut. I will go talk to your partner.: "Omigod," Connie said, when the door closed behind the Apusenja's. "Ranger's going to kill you." The Apusenjas stood beside the Porsche, talkig to Ranger for a few long minutes, giving him the big sales pitch. The pitch wound down, Ranger responded, and Mrs. Apusenja looked disappointed. The two women crossed the road and got into the burgundy Escort and quickly drove away. Ranger turned his head in my direction and our eyes met. His expression was still bemused, but this time it was the sort of bemused expression a kid has when he's pulling the wings off a fly. "Uh-Oh,"Connie said. I whipped around and faced Connie. "Quick, give me an FTA. You're backed up, right? For God's sake, give me something fast. I need a reason to stand here until he calms down!" Connie shoved a pile of folders at me. "Pick one. Any one! Oh shit, he's getting out of his car.".... He leaned into me and his lips brushed the shell of my ear. "Feeling playful?" "I don't know what you're talking about." "Watch your back babe. I will get even." -Ranger and Stephanie" funny humor ranger stephanie-plum Janet Evanovich
dfadf36 I stepped forward. Call me old-fashioned, but I wanted to keep his focus on me and not Annabeth. I think it's polite for a guy to protect his girlfriend from instant incineration. humor Rick Riordan
9d697fc When in doubt, ingest carbs. humor Rachel Cohn
9755f2c This made him a grad student, and grad students existed not to learn things but to relieve the tenured faculty members of tiresome burdens such as educating people and doing research. humor Neal Stephenson
7a5e350 Dancing?' Annabeth asked. Thalia nodded. She cocked her ear to the music and made a face. 'Ugh. Who chose Jesse McCartney?' Grover looked hurt. 'I did. humor jesse-mccartney thalia-grace Rick Riordan
ba63eae I lunged, low and quick, and drove about a foot of cold steel into his danglies. Hey, I don't care what kind of fearie or mortal or hideous creature you are. If you've got danglies, and can loose them, that's the kind of sight that makes you reconsider the possible genitalia-related ramifications of your actions real damned quick. humor proven-guilty Jim Butcher
b2e0d74 From my earliest years I had always wanted to be a writer. It was not that I had any particular message for humanity. I am still plugging away and not the ghost of one so far, so it begins to look as though, unless I suddenly hit mid-season form in my eighties, humanity will remain a message short. writing humor pg-wodehouse mission P.G. Wodehouse
01ecc38 "does you costume involve leather?" she'd asked. and he'd said, "Actually, yeah, it might." it really did. it involved a leather dog collar, leather pants and a leash, and the leash was held by Ysandre, who was in skintight red rubber, from neck to knee high boots. she'd topped it off with a pair of devil horns and a red tridant. she'd made Shane her dog, complete with furry dog mask. ***"Breathe," Myrnin said. "I'm not much for it myself, but i hear it's quite good for humans."***" humor costume-party ysandre feast-of-fools myrnin shane-collins Rachel Caine
fd8db8a If I convert it's because it's better that a believer dies than that an atheist does. christianity death religion god humor hitchens gods atheism atheist Christopher Hitchens
8facd77 "Oh- and grab the plastic bag over by my suitcase." I slug down the last of the coffee and get up. The bag contains panty hose. I put them on her desk. "They're for you." "You want me to look homeless, desperate, but also kind of fabulous?" humor hilarious Holly Black
9b5145b Thou shalt not submit thy god to market forces. humor Terry Pratchett
b4cbf47 "I never had any doubts about my abilities. I knew I could write. I just had to figure out how to eat while doing this. writing-life writing inspirational-quotes humor earning-a-living author-quotes self-support writing-quotes gift creative-process talent quotes self-confidence Cormac McCarthy
cbd2983 Throwing a sub at the Apollyon probably wasn't something that should be done in public. But I couldn't help it; I laughed. humor seth Jennifer L. Armentrout
5ecbaff "Gruff," I said, "I find myself largely clueless about why mortal women do what they do. It will take a wiser man than me to understand what's in a fae woman's mind." women humor Jim Butcher
ba3bfde "We assured Phelan that we were more than happy to let him have you and your menagerie," Leo retorted. "After that, he said he needed to think." "About what?" Beatrix demanded. "What is there to think about? Why is it taking him so long to make a decision?" "He's a man, dear," Amelia explained kindly. "Sustained thinking is very difficult for them." -- men humor thinking Lisa Kleypas
165a36a Cats can do whatever they want, whenever they want, without regard to what anyone says or does. Rather like Princesses. humor Terry Brooks
e0b92ac You don't scare me, Cadence Jones. I've lived with crazy, I've ridden with crazy, I've vacationed with crazy, I've visited crazy in various hospitals, I've sat in on therapy sessions with crazy. Frankly, I think women who don't have major emotional disorders are really very dull. humour funny humor MaryJanice Davidson
d3cf71a "Why does that kid think so highly of himself?" "Kids that think they're so smart.They're everywhere! Destroy is self-esteem!" "Yes...I really do think highly of myself.People like me should get a taste of the ups and downs of life! Sorry I'm so envious.I will reflect upon this. Please don't be angry. "Ah..um.." "There, I said it now. Are you satisfied?" ........ "Bye bye!" -random people and Hiro-chan " heaven humor basket chan envious fruit him hiro manga beat Natsuki Takaya
1f6d3e7 Will put his hand on Nico's shoulder. 'Nico, we need to have another talk about your people skills.' 'Hey, I'm just stating the obvious. If this is Apollo, and he dies, we're all in trouble.' Will turned to me. 'I apologize for my boyfriend.' Nico rolled his eyes. 'Could you not--' 'Would you prefer special guy?' Will asked. 'Or significant other?' 'Significant annoyance, in your case,' Nico grumbled. romance humor lgbt Rick Riordan
76d2c8a I like that: a little pressure on the understood boundaries of yourself. Sounded like something out of a self-awareness class, probably with yoga. See what kind of a pretzel you can tie yourself into and press on the understood... I was raving, if only to myself. self-awareness humor yoga Robin McKinley
a3c5316 I like 'em big. And stupid. Don't tell my husband. humor husband stupid Meg Cabot
aae6ecc No doubt she was thinking, Who dressed this poor girl like a traffic light? humor lights Rick Riordan
45a9f94 Dammit, Dresden, if you want to know about me, wait for the autobiography like everyone else. humor jared-kincaid Jim Butcher
fd842d8 "You are hard at work madam ," said the man near her. Yes," Answered Madam Defarge ; " I have a good deal to do." What do you make, Madam ?" Many things." For instance ---" For instance," returned Madam Defarge , composedly , Shrouds." The man moved a little further away, as soon as he could, feeling it mightily close and oppressive ." funny humor shrouds rude revolution mob france Charles Dickens
c6aa821 I was seducing shepherdesses when you weren't a twinkle in your great-grandcestor's eyes. I think I know what I'm doing. women humor harry-dresden Jim Butcher
b179166 "After shoving his former clothes inside, Xcor found himself bowing at the waist. "Your assistance has been much appreciated." Antoine raised his palm like he was getting ready to do a clap on the shoulder again. But once more, he caught himself and smiled instead. "Knock her dead, my man." "Oh, no." Xcor shook his head. "That shan't be necessary. This one I like." humor xcor J.R. Ward
4403544 Yeah, but I forgot to take my George Orwell-shaped multivitamins along with my breakfast bowl of Big Brother Os this morning. humor Jim Butcher
6487afe "In fact, the only things in the flat Crowley devoted any personal attention to were the houseplants. They were huge, and green, and glorious, with shiny, healthy, lustrous leaves. This was because, once a week, Crowley went around the flat with a green plastic plant mister spraying the leaves, and talking to the plants.... Although is perhaps the wrong word for what Crowley did. What he did was put the fear of God into them. More precisely, the fear of Crowley. In addition to which, every couple of months Crowley would pick out a plant that was growing too slowly, or succumbing to leaf-wilt, or browning, or just didn't look quite as good as the others, and he would carry it around to all the plants. "Say goodbye to your friend," he'd say to them. "He just couldn't cut it..." Then he would leave the flat with the offending plant, and return an hour or so later with a large empty flower pot, which he would leave somewhere conspicuously around the flat. The plants were the most luxurious, verdant, and beautiful in London. Also the most terrified." humor houseplants Neil Gaiman
667dfca "The au pair was bug-eyed. "What happened back there?" "It's not our fault!" Dan babbled. "Those guys are crazy! They're like mini-Darth Vaders without the mask!" "They're Benedictine monks!" Nellie exclaimed. "They're men of peace! Most of them are under vows of silence!" "Yeah, well, not anymore," Dan told her. "They cursed us out pretty good. I don't know the language, but some things you don't have to translate." humor nellie-gomez dan-cahill cursing the39clues Gordon Korman
1bd5bb4 You were with Margo Roth Spiegelman last night? At THREE A.M.? I nodded. Alone? I nodded. Oh my God, if you hooked up with her, you have to tell me every single thing that happened. You have to write me a term paper on the look and feel of Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts. Thrity pages, minimum! I want you to do a photo-realistic pencil drawing. A sculpture would also be acceptable. I was wondering if it would be possible for you to write a sestina about Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts? Your six words are: pink, round, firmness, succulent, supple, and pillowy. Personally, I think at least one of the words should be buhbuhbuhbuh. funny humor paper towns breasts John Green
f354d7b pg. 231-232: They'd given me a minivan. They could have picked any car and they picked a minivan. A minivan. O God of the Vehicular Justice, why dost thou mock me? Minivan, you albatross around my neck! You mark of Cain! You wretched beast high ceilings and few horsepower! funny humor graduation laughable minivan new-car-reaction new-car-smell john-green paper-towns complaining reaction new laugh John Green
bf40a79 "This is the biggest damn IPod I've ever seen," Claire said, which made him choke on his beer. "Kidding. I have seen a jukebox before." funny humor feast-of-fools rachel-caine shane-collins Rachel Caine
f5f8456 Shoulda gone to China. They give away babies like free iPods. They put them in guns and shoot them out at sporting events. humor Diablo Cody
2545e0b "And since I'm marrying into the Quartet, I have certain privileges and duties. If you're sleeping with Laurel--" "I'm not sleeping with Laurel. We're dating." "Right, and the two of you are just going to hold hands, admire the moon, and sing camp songs." "For a while. Minus the singing." relationships friends funny humor Nora Roberts
6e1660c A doctor, a logician and a marine biologist had also just arrived, flown in at phenomenal expense from Maximegalon to try to reason with the lead singer who had locked himself in the bathroom with a bottle of pills and was refusing to come out till it could be proved conclusively to him that he wasn't a fish. The bass player was busy machine-gunning his bedroom and the drummer was nowhere on board. Frantic inquiries led to the discovery that he was standing on a beach on Santraginus V over a hundred light years away where, he claimed, he had been happy for over half an hour now and had found a small stone that would be his friend. music humor happiness rock-stars hitchhikers-guide-to-the-galaxy logic Douglas Adams
ea24e46 "We didn't stow away!" Dan protested. "You sunk our boat and pulled us out of the canal!" "Good point," Ian agreed. "Return them to the canal. Roughly, please." humor ian-kabra dan-cahill venice Gordon Korman
f7c4989 "Could the two people who are making out please be quiet?" the Colonel asked loudly from his sleeping bag. "Those of us who are not making out are drunk and tired." kissing young-adult funny quote humor love laura making-out miles the-colonel looking-for-alaska sleeping tired teenager kisses sexy John Green
0515e68 You are the Energizer Bunny for badasses. -Ash humor Sherrilyn Kenyon
1a938c7 But the helmet had gold decoration, and the bespoke armorers had made a new gleaming breastplate with useless gold ornamentation on it. Sam Vimes felt like a class traitor every time he wore it. He hated being thought of as one of those people that wore stupid ornamental armor. It was gilt by association. politics humor puns Terry Pratchett
2e3e014 "You seem to be drowning twice," said Hermione. "Oh, am I?" said Ron peering down at his predictions. "I'd better change one of them to getting trampled by a rampaging Hippogriff." humor J.K. Rowling
7dd0271 If the Lord hasn't got a boyfriend lined up for me to marry, that's his business. poisonwood-bible humor love Barbara Kingsolver
c73fb71 You know what it was like? It was like thinking I was heading to a surprise party and instead it was a surprise pap smear. humor Jen Lancaster
e7e1e14 Forgive me....I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel. humorous funny humor comebacks silly Lloyd Alexander
4d00d24 Vampires do breathe, by the way, but their chests don't move like humans'. Have you ever lain in the arms of your sweetheart and tried to match your breathing to his, or hers? You do it automatically. Your brain only gets involved if your body is having trouble. Fortunately there was nothing about this situation that was like being in the arms of a sweetheart except that I was leaning against someone's naked chest. I could no more have breathed with him than I could have ignited gasoline and shot exhaust out my butt because I was sitting in the passenger seat of a car. humor vampires Robin McKinley
5d5f4a5 No matter what argument you make against evolution, the response is Yes, and it's possible to believe in Spiderman and believe in God, but that doesn't prove Spiderman is true. politics humor Ann Coulter
14326d4 I was seven before I realized that you could eat breakfast with your pants on. humor Christopher Moore
8bc104d "Tohr took a pull of his beer. "What the hell is this?" "When Harry Met Sally." Tohr lowered the longneck from his mouth. "What?" "Shut it. After this, we're going to watch an episode of Moonlighting. Then An Affair to Remember--the old-school one, not that stupidity with Warren Beatty. Then The Princess Bride--" Tohr hit the switch by his hip and straightened the chair up. "Okay. Right. Have fun with this--" humor lassiter tohrment J.R. Ward
317b9d7 "What's that you're doing, Sassenach?" "Making out little Gizmo's birth certificate--so far as I can," I added. "Gizmo?" he said doubtfully. "That will be a saint's name?" "I shouldn't think so, though you never know, what with people named Pantaleon and Onuphrius. Or Ferreolus." "Ferreolus? I dinna think I ken that one." He leaned back, hands linked over his knee. "One of my favorites," I told him, carefully filling in the birthdate and time of birth--even that was an estimate, poor thing. There were precisely two bits of unequivocal information on this birth certificate--the date and the name of the doctor who's delivered him. "Ferreolus," I went on with some new enjoyment, "is the patron saint of sick poultry. Christian martyr. He was a Roman tribune and a secret Christian. Having been found out, he was chained up in the prison cesspool to await trial--I suppose the cells must have been full. Sounds rather daredevil; he slipped his chains and escaped through the sewer. They caught up with him, though, dragged him back and beheaded him." Jamie looked blank. "What has that got to do wi' chickens?" "I haven't the faintest idea. Take it up with the Vatican," I advised him. "Mmphm. Aye, well, I've always been fond of Saint Guignole, myself." I could see the glint in his eye, but couldn't resist. "And what's he the patron of?" "He's involved against impotence." The glint got stronger. "I saw a statue of him in Brest once; they did say it had been there for a thousand years. 'Twas a miraculous statue--it had a cock like a gun muzzle, and--" "A ?" "Well, the size wasna the miraculous bit," he said, waving me to silence. "Or not quite. The townsfolk say that for a thousand years, folk have whittled away bits of it as holy relics, and yet the cock is still as big as ever." He grinned at me. "They do say that a man w' a bit of St. Guignole in his pocket can last a night and a day without tiring." "Not with the same woman, I don't imagine," I said dryly. "It does rather make you wonder what he did to merit sainthood, though, doesn't it?" He laughed. "Any man who's had his prayer answered could tell yet that, Sassenach." (PP. 841-842)" humor jamie-fraser outlander saints Diana Gabaldon
f2311a4 LADY BRACKNELL To speak frankly, I am not in favour of long engagements. They give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which I think is never advisable. marriage relationships humor engagement Oscar Wilde
13b4d3e It is one of the major tragedies that nothing is more discomforting than the hearty affection of the Old Friends who never were friends. humor misanthropy Sinclair Lewis
04b16bd She swept away, putting an extra kink into her walk. I would not have thought that a woman with an ass that bony could make it wiggle so much but she proved me wrong. humor kate-daniels Ilona Andrews
99b4885 "Stefan spat. "Oh, aye, he fell. O' course, Master Ralon helped him fall, several times. Poor li'l tyke didn't have a chance." humor fighting falling Tamora Pierce
a941844 "Okay. Look, why don't you take care of the half a million things you've been letting dangle in Roarke's Empire of Everything?" "Catchy title. I may use it one day." humor roarke J.D. Robb
96403d3 "I never said nothing..." "I know you never! I could hear you not saying anything! You've got the loudest silences I ever did hear from anyone who wasn't dead!" humorous humor Terry Pratchett
0f385ea "When she brought Mira up, Eve gave Roarke another glance. "Don't talk to him," she warned. "He can get bitchy when he's in this deep. I don't know if we have any of that tea stuff." "I had it stocked, and I don't get bitchy. Bloody, buggering HELL." Eve just rolled her eyes and got the tea." humor roarke J.D. Robb
3063015 Dogs are here to remind us life really is a simple thing. You eat, sleep, take walks, and pee when you must. That's about all there is. They are quick to forgive trespasses and assume strangers will be kind. humor life Jonathan Carroll
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