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f84b268 "I ripped my left arm out of his hand and slammed my elbow into his solar plexus. He exhaled in a gasp. I lunged for the dagger and sat on top of him, my knees pinning his arms, my dagger on his throat. He lay still. "I give up," he said and smiled. "Your move." Er. I was sitting atop the Beast Lord in my underwear, holding a knife to his throat. What the hell was my next move?" humor kate Ilona Andrews
e04c8ae No single thing abides; and all things are fucked up. humor postmodern Philip K. Dick
7b0f13c "This is your copy of , is it, Potter?" "Yes," said Harry, still breathing hard. "You're quite sure of that, are you, Potter?" "Yes," said Harry, with a touch more defiance. "This is the copy of that you purchased from Flourish and Blotts?" "Yes," said Harry firmly. "Then why," asked Snape, "does it have the name 'Roonil Wazlib' written inside the front cover?" Harry's heart missed a beat. "That's my nickname," he said." humor potions severus-snape ron-weasley J.K. Rowling
82ed8ce Claim whatever you want. Say you only want a happy family or a successful career or a big house. I say: no, that's not what you want. You'll settle for those things, but you really want a monkey that does your evil bidding. Pullman is a genius just for this. humor monkeys Maureen Johnson
dde2895 Maybe he thinks he can rescue me? No one is that stupid. romance humor rachel-morgan vampire Kim Harrison
8680509 "Percy?" Annabeth gripped his arm. "Oh, bad," he muttered. "Bad. Bad." He looked across the table at Frank and Hazel. "You guys remember Polybotes?" "The giant who invaded Camp Jupiter," Hazel said. "The anti-Poseidon you whacked in the head with a Terminus statue. Yes, I think I remember" humor camp-jupiter terminus polybotes poseidon heroes-of-olympus percy-jackson percy-jackson-and-the-olympians the-mark-of-athena hazel-levesque Rick Riordan
7686d5c Because this absolutely insane - the craziest thing I'd ever done. Worse than giving a one-star review, scarier than asking for an interview with an author I'd give my firstborn to eat lunch with, more stupid than kissing Daemon. humor Jennifer L. Armentrout
84ef3d1 "Exactly!" said Deep Thought. "So once you do know what the question actually is, you'll know what the answer means." meaning humor life question Douglas Adams
851810b You know how confusing the whole good-evil concept is for me. good-and-evil good morality humor Jim Butcher
18e8c43 "I am not sure I trust you." "You can trust me with your life, My King." "But not with my wine, obviously. Give it back." humor wine Megan Whalen Turner
3f336ac "I had just heard tales that the Valkyrie were large warriors, akin to Amazons." "If you're the sole survivor of an army attacked by us, are you going to say we had our asses handed to us by petite, nubile females, or by she-monsters who can bench Buicks?" humor Kresley Cole
716f374 An artist is somebody who produces things that people don't need to have. humor fame Andy Warhol
01e5ba2 Every ounce of my cynicism is supported by historical precedent. humor life Glen Cook
315fdd1 "I am not really breaking any rules. Charlie said I could never take another step through the door again... I came in through the window... Still, the intent was clear," said Edward." humor edward rules Stephenie Meyer
fb3eb01 "Captain! To your left there's a Lunar guard and on your right is a doctor who's running tests on Lunars and I'm being held by one of Levana's wolf hybrids and please be careful!" Thorne took a step back into the hallway a gun from his waistband. He spent a moment swiveling the barrel of the gun in each direction, but nobody moved to attack him. With some surprise, Cress realized that the operative's grip had weakened. "Er..." Thorne furrowed his brow, aiming the gun somewhere near the window. "Could you describe all those threats again because I feel like I missed something." humor cress thorne Marissa Meyer
777e80e If I ever form a clan, we'll be the anti-cheerleaders and walk under the bleacher forming mild acts of mayhem. humor Laurie Halse Anderson
ed65c22 Well,' I said. 'I could strip off my clothes and reveal to you that under my jeans and sweatshirt I'm actually wearing a tank top and short-shorts, much like Lara Croft from ...only mine are flame-retardant and covered in glow-in-the-dark dinosaur stickers.' No one stirred. Not even Christopher, who actually has a thing for Lara Croft. 'I know what you're thinking,' I went on. 'Glow-in-the-dark dinosaur stickers are last year. But I think they add a certain je ne sais quoi to the whole ensemble. It's true, short-shorts are uncomfortable under jeans and hard to get off in the ladies' room, but they make the twin thigh-holsters in which I hold my high-caliber pistols so easy to get to....' The oven timer dinged. 'Thank you, Em,' Mr. Greer said, yawning. 'That was very persuasive. humor emerson meg Meg Cabot
4119b59 I've never created a riot before. I did cause a brawl at the last formal. A large number of young women there actually arrived with the expectation of seducing me into matrimony, and a couple of their mothers came to blows. It was hilari--I mean, dreadful. Simply dreadful. humor Ilona Andrews
dcfd013 Men They hail you as their morning star Because you are the way you are. If you return the sentiment, They'll try to make you different; And once they have you, safe and sound, They want to change you all around. Your moods and ways they put a curse on; They'd make of you another person. They cannot let you go your gait; They influence and educate. They'd alter all that they admired. They make me sick, they make me tired. men poetry humor Dorothy Parker
ddfb061 "She led him past the engine room, which looked like a very dangerous, mechanized jungle gym, with pipes and pistons and tubes jutting from a central bronze sphere. Cables resembling giant metal noodles snaked across the floor and ran up the walls. "How does that thing even work?" Percy asked. "No idea," Annabeth said. "And I'm the only one besides Leo who can operate it." "That's reassuring." "It should be fine. It's only threatened to blow up once." "You're kidding, I hope." She smiled. "Come on." romance humor explosions mechanics heroes-of-olympus percy-jackson percy-jackson-and-the-olympians the-mark-of-athena leo-valdez Rick Riordan
5a90436 "She should've interviewed Snape," said Harry grimly. "He'd give her the goods on me any day. " humor rita-skeeter newspaper snape J.K. Rowling
733878f "Ack!" I said. Fearless master of the witty dialogue, that's me." humor wit Jim Butcher
fe37d69 "Stop!" Narcissus got to his feet. "This is not right! This person is obviously not awesome, so he must be..." He struggled for the right words. It had probably been a long time since he'd talked about anything other than himself. "He must be tricking us." Apparently Narcissus wasn't completely stupid." humor himself narcissus nymphs tricking hazel-levesque leo-valdez rick riordan
9a1d46a My hope still is to leave the world a bit better than when I got here. henson humor hope life inspirational Jim Henson
2c2d2b1 "Right," Sadie said. "And Set will just stand there calmly while I read him to death." humor Rick Riordan
35575aa I'm going to make it a law that the correct way to address your sovereign is my giving a high five.' Kai's smiled brightened. 'That's genius. Me too. winter humor kai Marissa Meyer
4552e35 "Coach Hedge yelled,"Thar she blows! Kansas, ahoy!" "Holy Hephaestus," Leo muttered. "He really needs to work on his shipspeak." humor kansas ships heroes-of-olympus percy-jackson-and-the-olympians the-mark-of-athena leo-valdez Rick Riordan
6cea065 Tell you what, you let me go, and I'll ask you plenty of questions about your race. Until then, I'm slightly distracted with how this little vacation on the good ship Holy Sh*t is going to pan out for me. romance humor jane vampire paranormal J.R. Ward
9173706 "What is your advice to young writers?" "Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes." irony sex writing funny humor bukowski smoke alcohol cigarettes authors ironic writing-process drink writers sarcasm Charles Bukowski
97e5bda Gimme an S! A T! An O! A C! Followed by a K-H-O-L-M! What's it spell? HEAD FUCK. - Jane humor insane-in-the-membrane J.R. Ward
f9ad8b8 In the action business, when you don't want to say you ran like a mouse, you call it 'taking cover.' It's more heroic. heroism humor Jim Butcher
6cf761c "Wild!" Ron said, twiddling the replay knob on the side. "I can make that old bloke down there pick his nose again... and again... and again..." harry-potter humor ron-weasley J. K. Rowling
80714b6 "Principled hate is a hell of a lot stronger than "Boy, I wish you hadn't mummified me and thrown me into the lake" hate." humor John Green
63b5cc4 Regardless of what I think about Islam or Wicca or any other religion, the fact is that it's a group of people. Every faith has its ceremonies. And since it's made up of people, every faith also has its assholes. religion humor harry-dresden Jim Butcher
06e9d89 Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground. humor J.K. Rowling
fc53d08 "Holy mother!" "Hmph. More like holy father. I'd think you'd know the difference." -Hephaetus" humor Rick Riordan
ba33b58 Felix believed that the answer to every problem involved penguins; but it wasn't fair to birds, and I was getting tired of teleporting them back home. Somewhere in Antarctica, a whole flock of Magellanic penguins were undergoing psychotherapy. humor kane-chronicles Rick Riordan
05d8459 Music is crucial. Beyond no way can I overstress this fact. Let's say you're southbound on the interstate, cruising alone in the middle lane, listening to AM radio. Up alongside comes a tractor trailer of logs or concrete pipe, a tie-down strap breaks, and the load dumps on top of your little sheetmetal ride. Crushed under a world of concrete, you're sandwiched like so much meat salad between layers of steel and glass. In that last, fast flutter of your eyelids, you looking down that long tunnel toward the bright God Light and your dead grandma walking up to hug you--do you want to be hearing another radio commercial for a mega, clearance, closeout, blow-out liquidation car-stereo sale? music humor truth Chuck Palahniuk
c105cff Noseless and Handless, the Lannister Boys. humor tyrion-lannister jaime-lannister game-of-thrones a-storm-of-swords humorous-quotes George R.R. Martin
0d5b941 All the time you're saying to yourself, 'I could do that, but I won't,' -- which is just another way of saying that you can't. success humor inspirational failure Richard P. Feynman
cd656a3 I always cheer up immensely if an attack is particularly wounding because I think, well, if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left. politics humor wisdom inspirational slander Margaret Thatcher
96ab678 It is harder to crack prejudice than an atom. science humor inspirational Albert Einstein
503ce1e But that was life: Nobody got a guided tour to their own theme park. You had to hop on the rides as they presented themselves, never knowing whether you would like the one you were in line for...or if the bastard was going to make you throw up your corn dog and your cotton candy all over the place. life-lessons humor wisdom life-sucks random J.R. Ward
8ae18cd "Da. This is going very well already." Thomas barked out a laugh. "There are seven of us against the Red King and his thirteen most powerful nobles, and it's going well?" Mouse sneezed. "Eight," Thomas corrected himself. He rolled his eyes and said, "And the psycho death faerie makes it nine." "It is like movie," Sanya said, nodding. "Dibs on Legolas." "Are you kidding?" Thomas said. "I'm obviously Legolas. You're . . ." He squinted thoughtfully at Sanya and then at Martin. "Well. He's Boromir and you're clearly Aragorn." "Martin is so dour, he is more like Gimli." Sanya pointed at Susan. "Her sword is much more like Aragorn's." "Aragorn wishes he looked that good," countered Thomas. "What about Karrin?" Sanya asked. "What--for Gimli?" Thomas mused. "She is fairly--" "Finish that sentence, Raith, and we throw down," said Murphy in a calm, level voice. "Tough," Thomas said, his expression aggrieved. "I was going to say 'tough.' " As the discussion went on--with Molly's sponsorship, Mouse was lobbying to claim Gimli on the basis of being the shortest, the stoutest, and the hairiest-- "Sanya," I said. "Who did I get cast as?" "Sam," Sanya said. I blinked at him. "Not . . . Oh, for crying out loud, it was perfectly obvious who I should have been." Sanya shrugged. "It was no contest. They gave Gandalf to your godmother. You got Sam." -- humor mouse leanansidhe karrin-murphy sanya thomas-raith molly-carpenter harry-dresden Jim Butcher
232cd19 "Da. This is going very well already." Thomas barked out a laugh. "There are seven of us against the Red King and his thirteen most powerful nobles, and it's going well?" Mouse sneezed. "Eight," Thomas corrected himself. He rolled his eyes and said, "And the psycho death faerie makes it nine." "It is like movie," Sanya said, nodding. "Dibs on Legolas." "Are you kidding?" Thomas said. "I'm obviously Legolas. You're . . ." He squinted thoughtfully at Sanya and then at Martin. "Well. He's Boromir and you're clearly Aragorn." "Martin is so dour, he is more like Gimli." Sanya pointed at Susan. "Her sword is much more like Aragorn's." "Aragorn wishes he looked that good," countered Thomas. "What about Karrin?" Sanya asked. "What--for Gimli?" Thomas mused. "She is fairly--" "Finish that sentence, Raith, and we throw down," said Murphy in a calm, level voice. "Tough," Thomas said, his expression aggrieved. "I was going to say 'tough.' " As the discussion went on--with Molly's sponsorship, Mouse was lobbying to claim Gimli on the basis of being the shortest, the stoutest, and the hairiest-- "Sanya," I said. "Who did I get cast as?" "Sam," Sanya said. I blinked at him. "Not . . . Oh, for crying out loud, it was perfectly obvious who I should have been." Sanya shrugged. "It was no contest. They gave Gandalf to your godmother. You got Sam." humor mouse leanansidhe karrin-murphy sanya thomas-raith molly-carpenter harry-dresden Jim Butcher
78094cb He was painfully shy, which, as is often the manner of the painfully shy, he overcompensated for by being too loud at the wrong times. humor Neil Gaiman
952488e "So you were going to rescue the Prince! Why did you pretend to run away? To deceive the Witch?" "Not likely! I'm a coward. Only way I can do something this frightening is to tell myself I'm not doing it!" humor cowardice Diana Wynne Jones
9251200 Thirty--the promise of a decade of loneliness, a thinning list of single men to know, a thinning brief-case of enthusiasm, thinning hair. humor F. Scott Fitzgerald
e88552c Along with the standard computer warranty agreement which said that if the machine 1) didn't work, 2) didn't do what the expensive advertisements said, 3) electrocuted the immediate neighborhood, 4) and in fact failed entirely to be inside the expensive box when you opened it, this was expressly, absolutely, implicitly and in no event the fault or responsibility of the manufacturer, that the purchaser should consider himself lucky to be allowed to give his money to the manufacturer, and that any attempt to treat what had just been paid for as the purchaser's own property would result in the attentions of serious men with menacing briefcases and very thin watches. Crowley had been extremely impressed with the warranties offered by the computer industry, and had in fact sent a bundle Below to the department that drew up the Immortal Soul agreements, with a yellow memo form attached just saying: 'Learn, guys... humor Neil Gaiman
8a4154f I am not always good and noble. I am the hero of this story, but I have my off moments. humor imperfect P.G. Wodehouse
0d0d3e9 "This is a good place," he said. "There's a lot of liquor," I agreed." humor liquor Ernest Hemingway
825c0b0 All you have to do, I tell myself, is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn't be that hard. humor Margaret Atwood
9c2b5d5 "I stared at him (Dionysus). "You're...you're married? But I thought you got in trouble for chasing a wood nymph-" humor hypocrite percy-jackson Rick Riordan
321c232 "Look!" said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, "Someone who cares!" humour humor foaly Eoin Colfer
3ab6bca A genius. A criminal mastermind. A millionaire. And he is only twelve years old. humor genius Eoin Colfer
cd05923 "Yes, my tiara sets off the whole thing nicely," said Auntie Muriel in a rather carrying whisper. "But I must say, Ginevra's dress is far too low-cut." Ginny glanced round, grinning, winked at Harry, then quickly faced the front again." harry-potter humor J.K. Rowling
f51672f Thus, though I dislike to differ with such a great man, was simply ludicrous when he said that if god did not exist it would be necessary to invent him. The human invention of god is the problem to begin with. existence problem humor no-remorse invention voltaire atheist inventions Christopher Hitchens
a6ab701 I don't need anything to get high. I'm high on life. humor high Melissa de la Cruz
311152b "Otrera stayed dead the second time," Kinzie said, batting her eyes. "We have to thank you for that. If you ever need a new girlfriend...well, I think you'd look great in an iron collar and an orange jumpsuit." Percy couldn't tell if she was kidding or not. He politely thanked her and changed seats." humor percy-jackson Rick Riordan
df35ef2 Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough! humor inspirational last-words Karl Marx
db10fbe I'm a big believer in putting things off, In fact, I even put off procrastinating. -Ella Varner humor jack-travis procrastination Lisa Kleypas
41ada66 The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun. humor hunting perspective shooting P.G. Wodehouse
8d8ce78 "Something about telling that story made my gut grow back together." What?" Oh, nothing. Just thinking out loud." That's who you really like. The people you can think out loud in front of." The people who've been in your secret hiding places." The people you bite your thumb in front of." Hi." Hi." ..." ..." Wow. My first Lindsey." My second Colin." That was fun. Let's try it again." Sold." ..." ..." ..." ..." humor lindsey John Green
281d776 You rush a miracle worker, you get lousy miracles! humor Jim Butcher
1735e32 "Leo," Hazel gasped, "I can't--my arms--" "Hazel," he said. "Do you trust me?" "No!" "Me neither," Leo admitted." trust humor leo-i-love-you-ok lol Rick Riordan
e6a51dd Because I trust in the ever-changing climate of the heart. (At least, today I feel that way.) I think it is necessary to have many experiences for the sake of feeling something; for the sake of being challenged, and for the sake of being expressive, to offer something to someone else, to learn what we are capable of. feelings learning humor education life love truth inspirational expression Jason Mraz
b78b5bb You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!' IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE. 'She's a child!' shouted Crumley. IT'S EDUCATIONAL. 'What if she cuts herself?' THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON. lessons humour death humor discworld hogfather important-lessons swords Terry Pratchett
64a37c6 "Either you go to America with Mrs. Van Hopper or you come home to Manderley with me." "Do you mean you want a secretary or something?" "No, I'm asking you to marry me, you little fool." marriage relationships humor proposal Daphne du Maurier
3e9d9ac I think part of being a parent is trying to kill your kids. humor parents Stephen King
973855b I'd never met coffee that wasn't wonderful. It was just a matter of how wonderful it was. humor laurell-k-hamilton Laurell K. Hamilton
418b076 I can't abide people who go soft over animals and then cheat every human they come across! people humor cheat Diana Wynne Jones
6f1b293 "Hazel!" he yelled. "That box! Open it!" She hesitated, then saw the box he meant. Te label read WARNING. DO NOT OPEN. "Open it!" Leo yelled again." humor heroes-of-olympus percy-jackson-and-the-olympians the-mark-of-athena Rick Riordan
52b9e67 The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want for nothing. He makes me lie down in the green pastures. He greases up my head with oil. He gives me kung-fu in the face of my enemies. Amen humor inspirational Stephen King
1507e0e "I bet," said Mulch, "that you would set the world on fire just to watch it burn." Opal tapped the suggestion into a small electronic notepad on her pocket computer. Thanks for that. Now, tell me everything." fun humor Eoin Colfer
c26545e A photographer is like a cod, which produces a million eggs in order that one may reach maturity. cod fish photography humor inspirational images art George Bernard Shaw
e5c645b Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM! funny humor random name-badge the-son-of-neptune rick-riordan hilarious laugh-out-loud Rick Riordan
748f9d0 "Alec?" Magnus was staring at him. He had dispatched the remaining Iblis demons, and the square was empty but for the two of them. "Did you just- did you just save my life?" Alec knew he ought to say something like, Of course, because I'm a Shadowhunter and that's what we do, or That's my job. Jace would have said something like that. Jace always knew the right thing to say. But the words that actually came out of Alec's mouth where quite different- and sounded petulant, even to his own ears. "You never called me back," he said. "I called you so many times and you never called me back." Magnus looked at Alec as if he'd lost his mind. "Your city is under attack," he said. "The wards have broken, and the streets are full of demons. And you want to know why I haven't called you?" humor magnus-bane Cassandra Clare
c5bb30a "Ichigo: You got that? Huh?! I'm the rescuer, so you just SHUT UP!! Rukia: Wha--wha'd you say? A rescuer isn't supposed to ignore the rescuee! Ichigo: Yeah? And what kind of rescuee complains about the rescue!? Why don't you go sit in a corner and tremble in fear and cry out "Save me! Save me!" like you're supposed to?! humor ichiruki bleach Tite Kubo
09daced If you sit down and think about it , you come up with some very funny ideas. Like: why make people inquisitive, and then put some forbidden fruit where they can see it with a big neon finger flashing on and off saying 'THIS IS IT!'? ... I mean, why do that if you really don't them to eat it, eh? I mean, maybe you just want to see how it all turns out. Maybe it's all part of a great big ineffable plan. All of it. You, me, him, everything. Some great big test to see if what you've built all works properly, eh? You start thinking: it be a great cosmic game of chess, it to be just very complicated Solitaire. fantasy religion humor life Neil Gaiman
0e58752 "Bitten? You mean you're a-" "A werewolf," said the girl. "Like everyone else here. Except you, and the asshole. And the asshole's sister." humor maia clary-fray jace-wayland simon-lewis Cassandra Clare
ba1aeb7 I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal. kids humor time-travel teenagers internet Eoin Colfer
36d27f1 i told you he'd freak out, she siad. didn't i? ah, the i told you so, jace said. always a classy move humor Cassandra Clare
a8c75c7 "Once, when a religionist denounced me in unmeasured terms, I sent him a card saying, "I am sure you believe that I will go to hell when I die, and that once there I will suffer all the pains and tortures the sadistic ingenuity of your deity can devise and that this torture will continue forever. Isn't that enough for you? Do you have to call me bad names in addition?" religion humor rebuttal zealots Isaac Asimov
4e7f0f8 "New Rule: Gay marriage won't lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got the right to vote, it didn't lead to hamsters voting. No court has extended the equal protection clause to salmon. And for the record, all marriages are "same sex" marriages. You get married, and every night, it's the same sex." humor same-sex-marriage Bill Maher
ff6369e If I was made of cake I'd eat myself before somebody else could. humor self child Emma Donoghue
5785146 Everything not forbidden is compulsory humor totalitarianism government T.H. White
7afe7b1 Laughter is good for you. Nine out of ten stand-up comedians recommend laughter in the face of intense stupidity. laughter humor Jim Butcher
2ef3852 That's it, cupcake. You're going down. humor trash-talk Rick Riordan
511bd98 How in the name of Merlin's pants have you managed to get your hands on those Horcrux books? humor J.K. Rowling
1aeba29 The road to enlightenment is long and difficult, and you should try not to forget snacks and magazines. enlightenment humor inspirational road difficulties Anne Lamott
4b0f220 if something is there, you can only see it with your eyes open, but if it isn't there, you can see it just as well with your eyes closed. That's why imaginary things are often easier to see than real ones. fiction reality imagination fantasy humor imaginary illusions on-fiction Norton Juster
82f6d28 Har. Bloody. Har. humor Stephanie Perkins
8b2e49b ...I doubt very seriously whether anyone will hire me.' What do you mean, babe? You a fine boy with a good education.' Employers sense in me a denial of their values.' He rolled over onto his back. 'They fear me. I suspect that they can see that I am forced to function in a century I loathe. This was true even when I worked for the New Orleans Public Library. humour work humor John Kennedy Toole
fdb1743 Marriage is not a process for prolonging the life of love, sir. It merely mummifies its corpse. marriage humor love lack-of-feeling lovelessness married-life matrimony sarcasm P.G. Wodehouse
5dbe707 Death didn't bother me much. Strong Christian and all that. Method of death did. Being eaten alive. One of my top three ways not to go out. humor Laurell K. Hamilton
7eb782f "Why are you here?" "'Here' as in your bedroom, or 'here' as in the great, spiritual question of our purpose here on this planet? If you're asking me whether this is all some cosmic coincidence or if there's a greater meta-ethical purpose to life, well, that's a puzzler for the ages. I mean, modern-day reductionism is clearly a fallacious argument, but-," -"I'm going back to bed." -"I'm here because Hodge reminded me it's your birthday." humor jace-and-clary Cassandra Clare
43db718 Who, last time I'd checked, was still on our official archenemy list. (Yes, we have to keep a list. It's kind of sad.) humor maxride maximum-ride max James Patterson
f58c689 "My parents are going to kill me!" "That seems rather harsh..." humor parents paranoia Garth Nix
0821384 Oh! it is absurd to have a hard-and-fast rule about what one should read and what one shouldn't. More than half of modern culture depends on what one shouldn't read. literature reading humor Oscar Wilde
2939865 "Getting you a date to prom is so hard that the hypothetical idea itself is actually used to cut diamonds," I added. Radar tapped a locker twice with his fist to show his approval, and then came back with another. "Ben, getting you a date to prom is so hard that the American government believes the problem cannot be solved with diplomacy, but will instead require force." humor prom john-green paper-towns high-school dating John Green
dac0c07 "Getting you a date to prom is so hard that the hypothetical idea itself is actually used to cut diamonds," I added. Radar tapped a locker twice with his fist to show his approval, and then came back with another. "Ben, getting you a date to prom is so hard that the American government believes the problem cannot be solved with diplomacy, but will instead require force." -- humor prom john-green paper-towns high-school dating John Green
b62bbff "I am a man, and men do not drink pink drinks. Now, be gone, woman, and fetch me something brown." Jace said. "Brown?" said Isabelle. "Yes. Brown. It's a manly color. See? Alec is wearing it." Jace said. "Well, it was black but it faded." Alec said. "Well, I can always fix it up with something sparkly," Magnus said, holding a sparkley headband. "Resist the urge, Alec, resist the urge." Simon said." humor Cassandra Clare
606f130 Heroism doesn't pay very well. I try to be cold-blooded and money-oriented, but I keep screwing it up. heroism humor Jim Butcher
7277f44 You don't have to make something that people call art. Living is an artistic activity, there is an art to getting through the day. fun humor wisdom inspirational art cool viggo mortensen
d71fec4 We spend money that we do not have, on things we do not need, to impress people who do not care. humor inspirational Will Smith
6431b98 "I AM NOT PAYING FOR SOME CRACKPOT OLD FOOL TO TEACH HIM MAGIC TRICKS!" yelled Uncle Vernon. Hagrid seized his pink umbrella and whirled it over his head "NEVER -" he thundered "- INSULT -ALBUS -DUMBLEDORE - IN - FRONT - OF - ME!" humor uncle-vernon hagrid J.K. Rowling
e576f4c The ultimate sexist put-down: the prick which lies down on the job. The ultimate weapon in the war between the sexes: the limp prick. The banner of the enemy's encampment: the prick at half-mast. The symbol of the apocalypse: the atomic warhead prick which self-destructs. was the basic inequity which could never be righted: not that the male had a wonderful added attraction called a penis, but that the female had a wonderful all-weather cunt. Neither storm nor sleet nor dark of night could faze it. It was always there, always ready. Quite terrifying, when you think about it. No wonder men hated women. No wonder they invented the myth of female inadequacy. men women humor sexism Erica Jong
0186257 Another werewolf thing. Like most animals, we spent a large part of our lives engaged in the three Fs of basic survival. Feeding, fighting and... reproduction. humor werewolves Kelley Armstrong
01ec9c3 "I'm going to tell you something once and then whether you die is strictly up to you," Westley said, lying pleasantly on the bed. "What I'm going to tell you is this: drop your sword, and if you do, then I will leave with this baggage here"--he glanced at Buttercup--"and you will be tied up but not fatally, and will be free to go about your business. And if you choose to fight, well, then, we will not both leave alive." You are only alive now because you said 'to the pain.' I want that phrase explained." My pleasure. To the pain means this: if we duel and you win, death for me. If we duel and I win, life for you. But life on my terms. The first thing you lose will be your feet. Below the ankle. You will have stumps available to use within six months. Then your hands, at the wrists. They heal somewhat quicker. Five months is a fair average. Next your nose. No smell of dawn for you. Followed by your tongue. Deeply cut away. Not even a stump left. And then your left eye--" And then my right eye, and then my ears, and shall we get on with it?" the Prince said. Wrong!" Westley's voice rang across the room. "Your ears you keep, so that every shriek of every child shall be yours to cherish--every babe that weeps in fear at your approach, every woman that cries 'Dear God, what is that thing?' will reverberate forever with your perfect ears. That is what 'to the pain' means. It means that I leave you in anguish, in humiliation, in freakish misery until you can stand it no more; so there you have it, pig, there you know, you miserable vomitous mass, and I say this now, and live or die, it's up to you: Drop your sword!" The sword crashed to the floor." romance humor William Goldman
219f8f1 I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian! humor dessert Bill Watterson
d2a0e40 Cheshire Puss,' she began, rather timidly, as she did not at all know whether it would like the name: however, it only grinned a little wider. 'Come, it's pleased so far,' thought Alice, and she went on. 'Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?' 'That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,' said the Cat. 'I don't much care where--' said Alice. 'Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the Cat. '--so long as I get SOMEWHERE,' Alice added as an explanation. 'Oh, you're sure to do that,' said the Cat, 'if you only walk long enough. humor life Lewis Carroll
a5708d3 "I'm dying!" Malfoy yelled, as the class panicked. "I'm dying, look at me! It's killed me!" humor malfoy J.K. Rowling
2f2387d "Shigure: "Lemme guess; you lost your temper and yelled at her again, right? You know, you shouldn't do that if you're just going to regret it. Not too bright, now is it?" Kyo: "Save your breath. I'm just not meant to get along with other people. Period. End of story." Shigure: "Oh sure, some people just aren't. But you're not one of them. You lack experience, that's all. For example, I'm sure you could smash this table to bits with your bare hands. But I'm equally sure you could punch the table without breaking it. And why is that? Because I know your training has taught you to control your fists... at least I should hope so, after four months of fighting bears and-" Kyo: "I didn't fight bears!" Shigure: "My point is, it takes just as much training to get along with people. Only, training by yourself in the mountains won't do you any good. You need to surround yourself with others. As you get to know them, of course you take the chance that you'll end up hurting them, or they'll end up hurting you. One of those things might very well happen. That's the only way we learn... about others, and about ourselves. You're a black-belt in martial arts, but I'd guess you still a white-belt in social skills. Someday, you're going to meet someone that truly wants to be your friend, and you, theirs. But it if you don't keep training, you won't be ready when that happens." Kyo: "It'll never happen, anyways!" Shigure: "Uh-uh! Never say never." Kyo: "Ok, fine. Maybe if I meet someone with brain-damage... or something." Shigure: "That's the spirit!" humor manga kyo shigure natsuki-takaya Natsuki Takaya
1e62661 "Ayame: "Yuki, let's deepen the bond between us brothers!" Yuki: "Before you can do that I'll drown you in the deepest part of that lake." humor manga yuki fruits-basket natsuki-takaya Natsuki Takaya
779ab3a What's that supposed to mean? A wolf's head on a stick. Big wolf barbecue tonight? Bring your own wolf? humor bbq signs wolves wolf Eoin Colfer
8685dae People usually asked her if she had a belly button. Of course she had a belly button. She couldn't explain how. She didn't really want to know. humor bellybutton Rick Riordan
1a4c70f "So what else can I tell you?" I asked. "I mean, to get you to reveal Lily to me." She triangled her fingers under her chin. "Let's see. Are you a bed wetter?" "Am I a...?" "Bed wetter. I am asking if you are a bed wetter." I knew she was trying to get me to blink. But I wouldn't. "No, ma'am. I leave my beds dry." "Not even a little drip every now and then?" "I'm trying hard to see how this is germane." "I'm gauging your honesty. What is the last periodical you read methodically?" "Vogue. Although, in the interest of full disclosure, that's mostly because I was in my mother's bathroom, enduring a rather long bowel movement. You know, the kind that requires Lamaze." "What adjective do you feel the most longing for?" That was easy. "I will admit I have a soft spot for fanciful." "Let's say I have a hundred million dollars and offer it to you. The only condition is that if you take it, a man in China will fall off his bicycle and die. What do you do?" "I don't understand why it matters whether he's in China or not. And of course I wouldn't take the money." The old woman nodded. "Do you think Abraham Lincoln was a homosexual?" "All I can say for sure is that he never made a pass at me." "Are you a museumgoer?" "Is the pope a churchgoer?" "When you see a flower painted by Georgia O'Keefe, what comes to mind?" "That's just a transparent ploy to get me to say the word vagina, isn't it? There. I said it. Vagina." humor David Levithan
2e6894f Look. Survey. Inspect. My hair is ruined! I look like a pan of bacon and eggs! humor vanity Diana Wynne Jones
3ff5e0e "Yo, beautiful. Come pop this collar off me." Natalya hissed, "Are you mad?" "What's she gonna do? Vivisect me? Imprison me? We've got a pact to fulfill,remember?" To Dorada, she cried, "Seriously, sweetheart, shake that mummified ass over here." Regin kicked the glass. "Lemme the fuck out--" La Dorada swung her head around,peering at Regin with her one eye. "Okay. That's freaky. Lookit, Gollum, if you spring me, I'll help you find your Precious." -- funny humor regin kresley-cole gollum Kresley Cole
71d148b "But Clary never found out what it wasn't, because there was a cry of "Jace!" and Alec appeared, breathless from pushing his way through the crowd to get them. His dark hair was a mess and there was blood on his clothes, but his eyes were bright with a mixture of relief and anger. He grabbed Jace by the front of his jacket. "What happened to you?" Jace looked affronted. "What happened to me?" Alec looked at him, not lightly. "You said you were going for a walk! What kind of walk takes six hours?" "A long one?" Jace suggested." humor jace mortal-instruments Cassandra Clare
d3d81bd The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds. Molly picked up a rock. humor unicorn Peter S. Beagle
d2f0901 "The first ten million years were the worst," said Marvin, "and the second ten million years, they were the worst too. The third ten million years I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of a decline." humor marvin h2g2 hitchhikers-guide-to-the-galaxy Douglas Adams
5090f1f I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell. politics humor inspirational presidents leaders Harry S. Truman
c514e10 "One of the major problems encountered in time travel is not that of becoming your own father or mother. There is no problem in becoming your own father or mother that a broad-minded and well-adjusted family can't cope with. There is no problem with changing the course of history--the course of history does not change because it all fits together like a jigsaw. All the important changes have happened before the things they were supposed to change and it all sorts itself out in the end. The major problem is simply one of grammar, and the main work to consult in this matter is Dr. Dan Streetmentioner's Time Traveler's Handbook of 1001 Tense Formations. It will tell you, for instance, how to describe something that was about to happen to you in the past before you avoided it by time-jumping forward two days in order to avoid it. The event will be descibed differently according to whether you are talking about it from the standpoint of your own natural time, from a time in the further future, or a time in the further past and is futher complicated by the possibility of conducting conversations while you are actually traveling from one time to another with the intention of becoming your own mother or father. Most readers get as far as the Future Semiconditionally Modified Subinverted Plagal Past Subjunctive Intentional before giving up; and in fact in later aditions of the book all pages beyond this point have been left blank to save on printing costs. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy skips lightly over this tangle of academic abstraction, pausing only to note that the term "Future Perfect" has been abandoned since it was discovered not to be." humor Douglas Adams
d69b9ff See? This is why I'm not religious. I couldn't possibly keep my mouth shut long enough to get along with everyone else. religion humor Jim Butcher
4d76a9e BE QUIET!!...What do you want...? I was in the middle of saying something nice... humor manga Tite Kubo
d40e470 "Okay, seriously, I dont know if this is true or not, but I heard people who use profanity are trying to compensate for their lack of you know... size" -Tuck" humor tuck Simone Elkeles
6dd8b14 "Niall had been able to mask the odor of fairy from Eric in the restaurant, but I saw from the flare of Eric's nostrils that the intoxicating scent clung to me. Eric's eyes closed in ecstasy, and he actually licked his lips. I felt like a T-bone just out of reach of a hungry dog. humor intoxication fairies sookie-stackhouse vampires Charlaine Harris
84b2411 "The poor things keep calling in those - those pumbles, I think they're called - you know, the ones who mend pipes and things - " "Plumbers?" " - exactly, yes, but of course they're flummoxed." humor plumber weasley J.K. Rowling
841edb6 Dearest creature in creation, Study English pronunciation. I will teach you in my verse Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse. I will keep you, Suzy, busy, Make your head with heat grow dizzy. Tear in eye, your dress will tear. So shall I! Oh hear my prayer. Just compare heart, beard, and heard, Dies and diet, lord and word, Sword and sward, retain and Britain. (Mind the latter, how it's written.) Now I surely will not plague you With such words as plaque and ague. But be careful how you speak: Say break and steak, but bleak and streak; Cloven, oven, how and low, Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe. Hear me say, devoid of trickery, Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore, Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles, Exiles, similes, and reviles; Scholar, vicar, and cigar, Solar, mica, war and far; One, anemone, Balmoral, Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel; Gertrude, German, wind and mind, Scene, Melpomene, mankind. Billet does not rhyme with ballet, Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet. Blood and flood are not like food, Nor is mould like should and would. Viscous, viscount, load and broad, Toward, to forward, to reward. And your pronunciation's OK When you correctly say croquet, Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve, Friend and fiend, alive and live. Ivy, privy, famous; clamour And enamour rhyme with hammer. River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb, Doll and roll and some and home. Stranger does not rhyme with anger, Neither does devour with clangour. Souls but foul, haunt but aunt, Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant, Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger, And then singer, ginger, linger, Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge, Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age. Query does not rhyme with very, Nor does fury sound like bury. Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth. Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath. Though the differences seem little, We say actual but victual. Refer does not rhyme with deafer. Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer. Mint, pint, senate and sedate; Dull, bull, and George ate late. Scenic, Arabic, Pacific, Science, conscience, scientific. Liberty, library, heave and heaven, Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven. We say hallowed, but allowed, People, leopard, towed, but vowed. Mark the differences, moreover, Between mover, cover, clover; Leeches, breeches, wise, precise, Chalice, but police and lice; Camel, constable, unstable, Principle, disciple, label. Petal, panel, and canal, Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal. Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair, Senator, spectator, mayor. Tour, but our and succour, four. Gas, alas, and Arkansas. Sea, idea, Korea, area, Psalm, Maria, but malaria. Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean. Doctrine, turpentine, marine. Compare alien with Italian, Dandelion and battalion. Sally with ally, yea, ye, Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key. Say aver, but ever, fever, Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver. Heron, granary, canary. Crevice and device and aerie. Face, but preface, not efface. Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass. Large, but target, gin, give, verging, Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging. Ear, but earn and wear and tear Do not rhyme with here but ere. Seven is right, but so is even, Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen, Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk, Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work. Pronunciation (think of Psyche!) Is a paling stout and spikey? Won't it make you lose your wits, Writing groats and saying grits? It's a dark abyss or tunnel: Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale, Islington and Isle of Wight, Housewife, verdict and indict. Finally, which rhymes with enough, Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough? Hiccough has the sound of cup. My advice is to give up!!! humor pronunciation satire language wit Gerard Nolst Trenité
570b26a "I let out a laugh that sounded more like the yip of a startled poodle. "Superp-powers? I wish. My powers aren't winning me a slot on the Cartoon Network anytime soon... except as a comic relief. Ghost Whisperer Junior. Or Ghost Screamer, more like it. Tune in, every week, as Chloe Saunders runs screaming from yet another ghost looking for her help." Okay, superpower might be pushing it." humor powers Kelley Armstrong
fdf9d2a "[Myrnin to Claire about their costumes of Pierrot and Harlequin, respectively] "Don't they teach you anything in your schools?" "Not about ." "Pity. I suppose that's what comes of your main education flowing from Google." humor education google myrnin Rachel Caine
fb84c38 A cavalryman's horse should be smarter than he is. But the horse must never be alowed to know this. humor horse Steven Pressfield
6931405 It was sad music. But it waved its sadness like a battle flag. It said the universe had done all it could, but you were still alive. music humor Terry Pratchett
57c8f11 There is a lot of folklore about equestrian statues, especially the ones with riders on them. There is said to be a code in the number and placement of the horse's hooves: If one of the horse's hooves is in the air, the rider was wounded in battle; two legs in the air means that the rider was killed in battle; three legs in the air indicates that the rider got lost on the way to the battle; and four legs in the air means that the sculptor was very, very clever. Five legs in the air means that there's probably at least one other horse standing behind the horse you're looking at; and the rider lying on the ground with his horse lying on top of him with all four legs in the air means that the rider was either a very incompetent horseman or owned a very bad-tempered horse. humor horses statues Terry Pratchett
e5ee4bb She came awake, stomach rumbling, and opened her eyes to see a plate being held right under her nose. When she reached for it, Shane snatched it back. 'Nuh-uh. Mine.' 'Share!' she demanded. 'Man, you are one grabby girlfriend.' She grinned. It always made her feel so fiercly warm inside to hear him say that- the girlfriend part, not the grabby part. 'If you love me, you'll give me a taco.' 'Seriously? That's all you got? What about you'll do sexy, illegal things to me for a taco?' 'Not for a taco,' she said. 'I'm not cheap.' 'They're brisket tacos.' 'Now you're talking. funny humor tacos morganville-vampires shane-collins Rachel Caine
b8b1fd8 I know this goes without saying, but Stonehenge really was the most incredible accomplishment. It took five hundred men just to pull each sarsen, plus a hundred more to dash around positioning the rollers. Just think about it for a minute. Can you imagine trying to talk six hundred people into helping you drag a fifty-ton stone eighteen miles across the countryside and muscle it into an upright position, and then saying, 'Right, lads! Another twenty like that, plus some lintels and maybe a couple of dozen nice bluestones from Wales, and we can party!' Whoever was the person behind Stonehenge was one dickens of a motivator, I'll tell you that. history motivation humor stonehenge Bill Bryson
9716f60 "Ford carried on counting quietly. This is about the most aggressive thing you can do to a computer, the equivalent of going up to a human being and saying "Blood...blood...blood...blood..." humor ford-anyone Douglas Adams
08439ff "She frowned at me. "You need some rest. You look like hell. And you're obviously tired enough to have gotten the giggles." Wizards don't giggle," I said, hardly able to speak. "This is cackling." humor karrin-murphy Jim Butcher
dc09b05 "The cord pulled taut and she rebounded, flying back up before falling again. As her velocity slowed, she opened her eyes and found herself dangling at the end of the cord, about five feet above Jace. He was grinning. "Nice," he said. "As graceful as a falling snowflake." "Was I screaming?" She asked, genuinely curious. "You know, on the way down." He nodded. "Thankfully no one's home, or they would have assumed I was murdering you." "Ha. You can't even reach me." She kicked out a leg and spun lazily in midair. Jace's eyes glinted. "Want to bet?" Clary knew that expression. "No," she said quickly. "Whatever you're going to do-" But he'd already done it. When Jace moved fast, his individual movements were almost invisible. She saw his hand go to his belt, and then something flashed in the air. She heard the sound of parting fabric as the cord above her head was sheared through. Released, she fell freely, too surprised to scream- directly into Jace's arms. The force knocked him backward, and they sprawled together onto one of the padded floor mats, Clary on top of him. He grinned up at her. "Now," he said, "that was much better. You didn't scream at all." "I didn't get the chance." She was breathless, and not just from the impact of the fall. Being sprawled on top of Jace, feeling his body against hers, made her hands shake and her heart beat faster." romance funny humor love city-of-fallen-angels clary-fray the-mortal-instruments jace-wayland sweet Cassandra Clare
8af6c58 "How are you feeling?" I leaned away from him. "Gross." Aiden frowned. "Gross?" "I haven't brushed my teeth or washed my face in days. Don't come near me." He laughed. "Alex, come on." "Seriously, I'm gross." I put my hand over my mouth. Ignoring my protests, he leaned over and brushed my string hair back. "You're as beautiful as always, Alex." I stared at him. He must not get out much." funny humor alex sarcasm Jennifer L. Armentrout
0e7c035 Lastly, she pictured to herself how this same little sister of hers would, in the after-time, be herself a grown woman; and how she would keep, through all her riper years, the simple and loving heart of her childhood: and how she would gather about her other little children, and make their eyes bright and eager with many a strange tale, perhaps even with the dream of Wonderland of long ago: and how she would feel with all their simple sorrows, and find a pleasure in all their simple joys, remembering her own child-life, and the happy summer days. humor fantasy-literature Lewis Carroll
a339e8a "Don't be an asshole" Rhage summed up the regurgitation with two words: "Kettle.Black." Fucking hell. "Did you guys plan that out?" "Yeah and if you don't fight us"- Hollywood bit down on the grape Tootsie Pop-"we'll do it again- only with the dance moves this time" "Spare me." "Fine.Unless you agree to home it,we WILL rock the dance moves." To prove the point ,the moron linked his palms behind his head and started doing something obscene with his hips. Which was backed up by a series of,"Uh-huh,uh-huh,ohhhh, yeeeeeeah,who's your daddy..." The others looked at Rhage like he'd grown a horn in the middle of his forehead. Nothing unusual there. And Tohr knew that, in spite of this ridiculous diversion,if he didn't cave,the lot of them would crawl so far up his ass,he'd be coughing up shitkickers. Rhage wheeled around,shoved out his butt,and started slapping his moneymaker like it was bread dough. "For the love of the Virgin Scribe,"Z muttered "put us out of this misery, and go the fuck home" Someone else chimed in, "You know, I never thought there were advantages to being blind..." "Or deaf" "Or mute," somebody added" humor tohr J.R. Ward
47c52fa Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia. writing humor inspirational Kurt Vonnegut
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