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Link Quote Stars Tags Author
b1b7302 ...What do people think about my staying with Harrison with him chasing everything that's hot and hollow? humor infidelity Dashiell Hammett
bde9bde Who wanted to make lemonade from lemons, when you could make perfectly good lemonade grenades? fiction humor Melissa de la Cruz
82db6e2 At any rate I'd better be getting out of the wood, for really its coming on very dark. Do you think it's going to rain?' Tweedledum spread a large umbrella over himself and his brother, and looked up into it. 'No, I don't think it is,' he said: 'at least - not under here. Nohow.' 'But it may rain outside?' 'It may - if it chooses,' said Tweedledee: 'we've got no objection. Contrariwise. humor rain Lewis Carroll
135f202 "Claiming "the budget can't allow it" reminds me of when you walk into a restaurant at a civilized hour like ten o'clock and they say "the kitchen is closed." For years I would hear this, and think, "damn, just a little too late, oh well, thank you, I guess it's Denny's again." And then one day it hit me: kitchens don't . Just as at home, at a certain point in the night, I stop the kitchen--but at three in the morning, if I want to, I still have the ability to go downstairs and "re-open" the kitchen by turning on the stove and opening the refrigerator! Restaurants are not banks; at the stroke of ten an enormous airlock doesn't seal off the kitchen and render the preparation of food an utter ./ No, kitchens can open and budgets are what certain people say they are." analogy budget budget-cuts budgeting economy humor impossible possible Bill Maher
819f8f1 It's also important to read the newspaper every day to see how the pope is doing. Here in Rome, the pope's health is recorded daily in the newspaper, very much like weather, or the TV schedule. Today the pope is tired. Yesterday, the pope was less tired than he is today. Tomorrow, we expect that the pope will not be so tired as he was today. humor Elizabeth Gilbert
f3629a7 "Um, thanks," Jackson told her. "And your name is...?" "I'm Margaret, Margaret Van Der Graaf," she answered with another eerie smile. Her teeth were so white that they looked bleached. "Van Der Graaf?" Jackson repeated, trying to stifle his laughter. He didn't want to be rude to the only person in sight, to this kind-hearted stranger who was offering to help him, but... Van Der Graaf? "What are you laughing at?" Margaret asked with curiosity, flashing him a calculating gaze. "I like my name. If you're going to be a jerk, then I won't help you. You can stay out here on the street through the night for all I care." "...Harsh," said Jackson, giving her a quizzical glance back. There was something 'off' about her, something that Jackson couldn't quite place, something that bordered on horrible loneliness and longing. "Who else lives here, Margaret Van Der Graaf?" He couldn't resist saying her name aloud. Despite its hilarity, it had a nice ring to it. "Who else lives here?" he urged. "Me, myself and I," said Margaret simply, snickering when she saw his horrified and annoyed expression" comedy friendship funny ghost humor longing lonliness name smile stranger weird Rebecca McNutt
c0c309a Thank goodness there were people who were happy with nothing, thought Julia, so that people like her (and everyone else she had ever met) could have humor Edward St. Aubyn
16089a0 If only the devil were feminine - perhaps he (she) was; no one had ever seemed to think of that - he would readily believe that her pseudonym was Daisy Morrison. humor Mary Balogh
7ae0151 "Where are you from?" She asked without thinking. "I was born in the mountains." Runach said with a shrug. "The place doesn't matter." "Do you have siblings?" "Yes, several. Not all are still living. He smiled faintly. "You are full of questions this afternoon." "The library was a bad influence on me." Runach smiled briefly. "And I believe that was three questions you asked me, which leaves me with three of my own for you to answer." "That was two." "I don't count very well." "I think you count very well," she said grimly. He only smiled again. "I'll contemplate which answers I'll have and let you know." Aisling thought she just might be dreading them, but couldn't bring herself to say as much. "What was your home like?" she asked. "Another question." "You look distracted." He smiled and a dimple peeked out at her from his unscarred cheek. "You are more devious than I give you credit for being. I am keeping a tally, you know. I will expect a like number of answers from you." She stared at him for a moment or two. It was difficult not to, but he didnt seem to mind. "Why?" She asked finally. "Beacause you are a mystery." "And do you care for a mystery?" "I am obsessed by a good mystery," he said frankly. "More than enough to pry a few answers out of you, however I am able." "And what if I am not inclined to give them?" She asked, her mouth suddenly dry. "Then I will wonder about you silently." "In truth?" she asked, surprised. Runach smiled, looking just as surprised. "What else would I do? Beat the answers from you?" "I don't know." She said slowly. "I don't know what soldiers do." He shook his head. "Hedge all you like, if you like." "Your mother must have been a well-bred lady." She said, frowning. "Why do you say that?" "She seems to have taught you decent manners, for your being a mere soldier." "She tried," he agreed, looking out over the sea. Aisling turned and looked at him. "How long ago did you lose her?" Runach took a deep breath and dragged his hand through his hair, before he bowed his head and slid her a look. "That answer will cost you dearly." Her first instinct, as always, was to say nothing. But the truth was, she lived and breathed still. She could tell him perhaps a bit about herself, without bringing the curse down upon her head. Aisling took her own deep breath. "Very well." "My mother died twenty years ago, though I vow it feels like yesterday." "How did she die?" Runach was very still. "My father slew her and half my siblings. Time has done the rest of that terrible work I suppose. She shut her mouth, and put her hand on his arm. "I'm sorry." "I am too," he agreed. Runach shook his head, then reached for her hand to draw it through his arm. "Let's walk whilst you spew out the answers you owe me. You'll be more comfortable that way, I'm sure." "I'm not sure you should worry about my comfort" Aisling managed, "not after those questions." "But I do. And now that I have bared my soul, I think you should worry about my comfort and do the same." humor runach Lynn Kurland
9e9c9db Being dead means never having to do anything sneaky. humor sneaky Lawrence Block
79a036f Not that it isn't great to see you. But it's not so great for you. What'd you do wrong? Laugh at his dick? humor moira sex Margaret Atwood
78a1213 Tonight was a perfect illustration of why Cinderella and the Prince get married twenty-four hours after they meet. Because when you're living with your stepmother, there is no happily ever after. happily-ever-after humor Melissa Kantor
b2a854e "Can I cuddle up with you when you sleep?" Sma stopped, detached the creature from her shoulder with one hand and stared it in the face. "What?" "Just for chumminess' sake," the little thing said, yawning wide and blinking. "I'm not being rude; it's a good bonding procedure." Sma was aware of Skaffen-Amtiskaw glowing red just behind her. She brought the yellow and brown device closer to her face. "Listen, Xenophobe--" "Xeny." "Xeny. You are a million-ton starship. A Torturer class Rapid Offensive Unit. Even--" "But I'm demilitarized!" "Even without your principle armament, I bet you could waste planets if you wanted to--" "Aw, come on; any silly GCU can do that!" "So what's all this shit for?" She shook the furry little remote drone, quite hard. Its teeth chattered. "It's for a laugh!" it cried. "Sma, don't you appreciate a joke?" "I don't know. Do you appreciate being drop-kicked back to the accommodation area?" "Ooh! What's your problem, lady? Have you got something against small furry animals, or what?" Look Ms. Sma, I know very well I'm a ship, and I do everything I'm asked to do--including taking you to this frankly rather fuzzily specified destination--and do it very efficiently, too. If there was the slightest sniff of any real action, and I had to start acting like a warship, this construct in your hands would go lifeless and limp immediately, and I'd battle as ferociously and decisively as I've been trained to. Meanwhile, like my human colleagues, I amuse myself harmlessly. If you really hate my current appearance, all right; I'll change it; I'll be an ordinary drone, or just a disembodied voice, or talk to you through Skaffen-Amtiskaw here, or through your personal terminal. The last thing I want is to offend a guest." Sma pursed her lips. She patted the thing on its head and sighed. "Fair enough." "I can keep this shape?" "By all means." "Oh goody!" It squirmed with pleasure, then opened its big eyes wide and looked hopefully at her. "Cuddle?" "Cuddle." Sma cuddled it, patted its back. She turned to see Skaffen-Amtiskaw lying dramatically on its back in midair, its aura field flashing the lurid orange that was used to signal Sick Drone in Extreme Distress." humor kawaii Iain M. Banks
163d9a9 "That's a shame," said Bert, "to run out of crackers before you've run out of emergency." emergency here-there-be-dragons humor James A. Owen
768b611 People who don't get excited about receiving gifts are tired of life. chick-lit humor Anna Maxted
76163d8 The woman spoke with a heavy western North Carolina accent, which I used to discredit her authority. Here was a person for whom the word 'pen' had two syllables. He people undoubtedly drank from clay jugs and hollered for Paw when the vittles were ready-- so who was she to advise me on anything? david-sedaris humor satire speech speech-therapy David Sedaris
75fa8ec Perhaps the most irrational fashion act of all was the male habit for 150 years of wearing wigs. Samuel Pepys, as with so many things, was in the vanguard, noting with some apprehension the purchase of a wig in 1663 when wigs were not yet common. It was such a novelty that he feared people would laugh at him in church; he was greatly relieved, and a little proud, to find that they did not. He also worried, not unreasonably, that the hair of wigs might come from plague victims. Perhaps nothing says more about the power of fashion than that Pepys continued wearing wigs even while wondering if they might kill him. humor wigs Bill Bryson
189cb5f If I tell you another seven hundred times, maybe one of these days you might turn your clothes right side out when you put them in the hamper, eh? humor laundry Jodi Picoult
aad7166 "Dorothy asked timidly: "Did his wife say anything? "She sent her love to you." Nora said: "Stop being nasty." humor infidelity Dashiell Hammett
9d22cc4 The corridor couldn't have smelled more strongly of fish guts if we had actually been inside a fish. humor Arthur Golden
1a813ad Therapies administered included but were not limited to: turning things off, then on again; picking them up a couple of inches and then dropping them; turning off nonessential appliances in this and other rooms; removing lids and wiggling circuit boards; extracting small contaminants, such as insects and their egg cases, with nonconducting chopsticks; cable-wiggling; incense-burning; putting folded-up pieces of paper beneath table legs; drinking tea and sulking; invoking unseen powers; sending runners to other rooms, buildings, or precincts with exquisitely calligraphed notes and waiting for them to come back carrying spare parts in dusty, yellowed cardboard boxes; and a similarly diverse suite of troubleshooting techniques in the realm of software. humor troubleshooting Neal Stephenson
713b514 "She's such a bitch," Tina says, which I find a little contradictory, but overall quite true. "She's got to be in charge of everything." I sit next to her. "Well, I guess. But in business, that's leadership." Tina stares at me for a second. "I can't believe you consider that a positive trait. How about her inability to accept other points of view? Is it good leadership to be narrow, too?" "Focus," I say. "They call that focus." Tina stares at me. "Her paranoia?" "Business savvy." "Compulsive need to have everything just how she wants it?" "Organizational skills." "Aggressiveness?" "Aggressiveness," I say, "is already a good thing." "Jesus Christ," Tina says, her eyebrow ring glinting in the morning sun. "Sometimes I worry about this country." business-culture humor Max Barry
b32d1e8 "You know Quinn?" Macaulay asked me. "Ten minutes ago I was putting him to bed." Macaulay grinned. "I hope you keep his acquaintance like that - social" "Meaning what?" Macaulay's grin became rueful. "He used to be my broker, and his advice led me right up to the poorhouse steps." "That's sweet," I said. "he's my broker now and I'm following his advice." Macaulay and the girl laughed. I pretended I was laughing and returned to my table." broker funny humor money Dashiell Hammett
9bc2e2b Jag har inget emot att do, bara inte i morgon, jag har en del jag skall gora forst. humor inspiration inspirational Astrid Lindgren
ea8bed8 "I've never met a politician who didn't deserve to be tossed into a pit full of Kallin," Beranabus grunts." humor politics Darren Shan
6f1e509 Breath Properly, Stay Curious, and Always Eat Your Beets! humor jitterbug-perfume tom-robbins Tom Robbins
6e7c6dd What's the biggest problem facing teenagers today? Ourselves. We're a generation of lazy underachievers who need to learn that hard work pays off. What's your town known for? Cow manure! Hold for laughs... Actually Irondale is the setting of Fannie Flagg's famous novel Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe. Why'd you enter the Junior Miss Birmingham pageant? To win... to go to State... then Nationals... maybe get the hell out of Alabama. birmingham humor pageant teen Nadria Tucker
c7741a3 "It's my letter," she began. "I cannot make it right." "Come in, come in," the Prince said gently. "Maybe we can help you." She sat down in the same chair as before. "All right, I'll close my eyes and listen; read to me." " 'Westley, my passion, my sweet, my only, my own. Come back, come back. I shall kill myself otherwise. Yours in torment, Buttercup.' " She looked at Humperdinck. "Well? Do you think I'm throwing myself at him?" "It does seem a bit forward," the Prince admitted. "It doesn't leave him a great deal of room to maneuver." humor letters love melancholy William Goldman
6db3000 "Twenty she curses you out by lunch," says Chris. "Thirty she kills you by lunch," adds Logan. "I'm getting her number." The two of them laugh." funny humor Katie McGarry
1cfd336 Bet you've never had a bear down your pants before. Though I'm kind of a bear in bed. (Rick from Back to Basics) humor sweet-romance Erin McCarthy
1cfef69 For a time Emerson politely endeavored to conceal his boredom - like most men, he is profoundly disinterested in all children except his own - ... humor men Elizabeth Peters
ac7c66b The chilling thought occurred to me that breaking up with someone you love to criticize might be the only way to save yourself from becoming unlovable humor love Bob Smith
1eeb002 When presented with a member of the opposite sex, some of us get numbers and some of us throw up. dating humor nervousness Daria Snadowsky
0475c4f I often calculate odds on horse races; the civil service computermen frequently program such requests. But the results are so at variance with expectations that I have concluded either that the data is too meager, or the horses or riders are not honest. Possibly all three. horse-race humor Robert A. Heinlein
673e576 The Park's nice,' his father conceded, 'but the rest of the country is just people in huge cars wondering what to eat next. humor Edward St. Aubyn
caa8d0d "John shrugged. "It always seemed silly to me to desire a woman who cannot converse any better than a sheep." Belle leaned forward, her eyes glittering mischievously. "Really? I would have thought you'd prefer such a woman,considering your difficulty with polite conversation." "Touche, my lady. I cede this round to you." hilarious humor Julia Quinn
a5604d6 After that came her biggie: a triple murder--her dealer, the dealer's sister, and the dealer's sister's boyfriend. Reading that made me feel a little funny that we'd fucked and I'd loved her. humor regret George Saunders
65a67d7 "I've noticed you only speak ghetto half of the time." - Stephanie "I'm multi-lingual," Rancher said. I followed him to the door, feeling jealous, wishing I knew a second language." humor Janet Evanovich
cbcfc14 He said he talked to Jesus all the time. Even when he was driving his car. That killed me. I just see the big phony bastard shifting into first gear and asking Jesus to send him a few more stiffs. humor J.D. Salinger
644cee8 "Two different primaries," she continued, striding around the office. "Two different cops, and both of them fucked up the case. What are they using to train them in Chicago -- old videos of the Three Boobs?" "I think that's Stooges," Roarke remarked. "What?" He glanced up, focused fully on her, and smiled at the absolute baffled fury on her face. "Stooges, darling. The Three Stooges." "What's the difference, they're still incompetent knot-heads." humor J.D. Robb
07a8af6 "Of course. The team on your carriage was beautiful. They are yours, aren't they?" He ignored her and walked ahead until his foot connected with soft mushy ground. "Shit," he muttered. "Exactly." He glared at her, thinking himself a saint for not going for her throat." humor Julia Quinn
20b15c1 I was just, uh...looking at your bush. humor Cassie Mae
63f0106 Mrs. Friedman lived in a happy snow globe of AP History. humor Harlan Coben
97c866a Where would we be without our painful childhoods? depression humor humorous pain past psychology sad sad-but-true trauma Rebecca McNutt
cc4fa6f She kept her ears permanently tuned to the chicken voices outside, so knew immediately when a coyote had crept into the yard, and barreled screaming for the front door before the rest of us had a clue. (I don't know about the coyote, but I nearly needed CPR.) These hens owed their lives and eggs to Lily, there was no question. coyote cpr humor Barbara Kingsolver
639506e I had aimed at Mars and was about to hit Venus; unquestionably the all-time cosmic record for poor shots. funny humor science-fiction space-travel Edgar Rice Burroughs
ccf5f8f BROADBENT [stiffly]. Devil is rather a strong expression in that connexion, Mr Keegan. KEEGAN. Not from a man who knows that this world is hell. But since the word offends you, let me soften it, and compare you simply to an ass. [Larry whitens with anger]. BROADBENT [reddening]. An ass! KEEGAN [gently]. You may take it without offence from a madman who calls the ass his brother--and a very honest, useful and faithful brother too. The ass, sir, is the most efficient of beasts, matter-of-fact, hardy, friendly when you treat him as a fellow-creature, stubborn when you abuse him, ridiculous only in love, which sets him braying, and in politics, which move him to roll about in the public road and raise a dust about nothing. Can you deny these qualities and habits in yourself, sir? BROADBENT [goodhumoredly]. Well, yes, I'm afraid I do, you know. KEEGAN. Then perhaps you will confess to the ass's one fault. BROADBENT. Perhaps so: what is it? KEEGAN. That he wastes all his virtues--his efficiency, as you call it--in doing the will of his greedy masters instead of doing the will of Heaven that is in himself. He is efficient in the service of Mammon, mighty in mischief, skilful in ruin, heroic in destruction. But he comes to browse here without knowing that the soil his hoof touches is holy ground. Ireland, sir, for good or evil, is like no other place under heaven; and no man can touch its sod or breathe its air without becoming better or worse. It produces two kinds of men in strange perfection: saints and traitors. It is called the island of the saints; but indeed in these later years it might be more fitly called the island of the traitors; for our harvest of these is the fine flower of the world's crop of infamy. But the day may come when these islands shall live by the quality of their men rather than by the abundance of their minerals; and then we shall see. LARRY. Mr Keegan: if you are going to be sentimental about Ireland, I shall bid you good evening. We have had enough of that, and more than enough of cleverly proving that everybody who is not an Irishman is an ass. It is neither good sense nor good manners. It will not stop the syndicate; and it will not interest young Ireland so much as my friend's gospel of efficiency. BROADBENT. Ah, yes, yes: efficiency is the thing. I don't in the least mind your chaff, Mr Keegan; but Larry's right on the main point. The world belongs to the efficient. humor inspirational religion George Bernard Shaw
6154787 Let's not have forced gaiety this Christmas, said Nora, like it was a dish. We'll have a tiny bit of it, I said. humor Miriam Toews
e8aa1e8 A stab had clearly once been made at de-uglifying these public spaces by painting a corridor a jaunty yellow. This was because, it turned out, babies come here to have their brains tested and someone thought the yellow might calm them. But I couldn't see how. Such was the oppressive ugliness of this building it would have been like sticking a red nose on a cadaver and calling it Ronald McDonald. buildings cadaver humor oppression oppressive ronald-mcdonald ugliness Jon Ronson
20dd246 Feeling extremely foolish, the acting representative of Homo sapiens watched his First Contact stride away across the Raman plain, totally indifferent to his presence. humor science-fiction scifi space Arthur C. Clarke
214e1fa Robert explained how much simpler it was to pay money for things than to exchange them as the people were doing in the market. Later on the soldier gave the coins to his captain, who, later still, showed them to Pharaoh, who of course kept them and was much struck with the idea. That was really how coins first came to be used in Egypt. You will not believe this, I daresay, but really, if you believe the rest of the story, I don't see why you shouldn't believe this as well. egypt fantasy humor E. Nesbit
a53b3be "It was one of those situations I often find myself in while traveling. Something's said by a stranger I've been randomly thrown into contact with, and I want to say, "Listen. I'm with you on most of this, but before we continue, I need to know who you voted for in the last election." humor non-fiction politics short-stories travel David Sedaris
219c754 "He gives her his Art History lecture. art-history humor visitors Donald Barthelme
21dff3b Skin color doesn't make you different,' Melody said. 'We're all the same on the inside.' 'The only people who ever say that,' Raymon replied, 'are white. humor race Jodi Picoult
cec320c "Amphora," he murmured against the wide, sweet curve of her lips. His hands slid over the wide, sweet curve of her hips, cupping smoothness cool and solid, timeless and graceful as the swell of ancient pottery, promising abundance. "Like a Grecian vase. God, you've got the most beautiful arse!" "Jug-butt, huh?" arse ass butt diana-gabaldon drums-of-autumn grecian hips humor jug lips love outlander Diana Gabaldon
cf180f5 Lucas - You'll have to excuse Paige's overenthusiastic attempt to befriend the local wildlife. Not many of their type where she comes from. Paige -Hey, we have gangs in Boston. Lucas - Ah, yes. I believe they're particularly bad down by the wharf, where they're liable to descend upon the unwary, surround him with their yachts, and shout well-chosen and elegantly elocuted epithets. humor Kelley Armstrong
5b3e3bf Boy needs to get a good night's sleep. Otherwise, he'll be lucky to get accepted at SUNY-So Far Upstate You Might As Well Be In Canada, ? college humor insomniac sleep Rachel Cohn
5a5c0a1 And that continued for quite a while until the adventurer admitted that it IS an accepted fact among monsters and giants of all stripes that Englishmen are delicious. humor Christopher Moore
598b9ac New Rule: Instead of using their $10 billion atom-smashing Large Hadron Collider to re-create the Big Bang by melting atom parts in temperatures a million times hotter than the sun, scientists should do that. I'm just sayin' it sounds dangerous. I'm as interested as the next guy in determining the origin of matter, but first couldn't we solve some simple mystery, like why some-detector batteries always die at four a.m.? humor large-hadron-collider science Bill Maher
cfbd3a2 "Have you ever known there was something you needed to do, but found yourself dreading it with everything you were?" "Once or twice," he said. "What did you do?" Runach looked at her steadily. "I did what needed to be done." "Was the price steep?" "Very." Aisling clutched her own bow, wishing her task was nothing more than learning to place an arrow where she wanted it to land. "Did you ever want to run?" She whispered. He smiled, but it was a pained smile. "I'm not sure I want to answer that." "Do you think Heroes ever want to run...?" "Only if they come from Neroche." She blinked, then smiled." humor runach Lynn Kurland
43edf60 It is all very well to say that all princesses are good and beautiful and charming; but this is usually a determined optimism on everybody's part rather than the truth. After all, if a girl is a princess, she is undeniably a princess, and the best must be made of it; and how much pleasanter it would be if she were good and beautiful. There's always hope that if enough people believe as though she is, a little of it will rub off. humor princesses the-door-in-the-hedge Robin McKinley
962667e Byron clapped Walter on the back. 'Good work,' he said. Walter shook his head. 'You're the one who clocked her with the Stephen King hardcover. That took some of the wind out of her.' 'Thank heavens he's a wordy man,' said Byron. funny humor Michael Thomas Ford
5504d2b Elders of the Creedish church made celibacy sound as easy as choosing not to play basketball. Just say no. celibacy humor no Chuck Palahniuk
b570a92 Whew,' he said, 'I'm glad that's over, Thomas. I've been feeling awfully bad about it.' It was only too evident that he no longer did. humor humour Graham Greene
d1adb32 Kids must spend half their lives throwing things at the ducks in Regent's Park. How come he managed to pick a duck that pathetic? humor life Nick Hornby
538c457 We're like the couple on the sitcom that has good sparks but never get together for the sake of ratings. funny humor love Aimee Bender
5360afd Be honest with yourself; set the alarm for the time the Real You will get up, not the Ambitious You, because the Ambitious You doesn't really exist. funny humor life mornings sleep Laurie Notaro
52cc6a1 Why, on to the castle, to kill the royal family, and claim the throne that isn't mine by right! humor satire slapstick Richard Curtis
b57ce93 "For months in the fall of 2001, our highways looked like a county fair on wheels. "Look out, Al-Qaeda---patriot on board!" I once saw a guy with five flags tell a guy with four flags to go back to Afghanistan." humor patriotism war-on-terror Bill Maher
50afece As last days go, mine sucked. The last day I would have chosen -- the last day I deserved -- would have involved more chocolate. humor Robin Wasserman
4f911d3 I decided, on the spot, to let God into my heart, in the hope that my newfound faith can somehow be used as a vicious weapon in the marital war. humor marriage religion Nick Hornby
4f36604 "You're right [Joshua], I have taught you nothing. I could teach you nothing. Everything that you needed to know was already there. You simply needed the word for it. Some need Kali and Shiva to destroy the world so they may see past the illusion to divinity in them, others need Krishna to drive them to the place where they may perceive what is eternal in them. Others may perceive the Divine Spark in themselves only by realizing through enlightenment that the spark resides in all things, and in that they find kinship. But because the Divine Spark resides in all, does not mean that all will discover it. Your dharma is not to learn, Joshua, but to teach." "How will I teach my people about the Divine Spark?" ... "You must only find the right word. The Divine Spark is infinite, the path to find it is not. The beginning of the path is the word." divine-spark hinduism humor religion Christopher Moore
e225f33 "Though we were forbidden to speak anything but French, the teacher would occasionally use us to practice any of her five fluent languages. "I hate you," she said to me one afternoon. Her English was flawless. "I really, really hate you." Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help taking it personally." french humor languages David Sedaris
b57f239 A chuckle escaped Meredith's lips as Cassie swung from sleepy little girl to sympathetic confidante to vengeful angel all in the course of a single minute. humor sisters Karen Witemeyer
fcbe07c ",,Listen," Richard says, ,,unless you're about to inherit some money, what we're talking about here is irreversible, fatal. You have fiscal Ebola, Matt. You are bleeding out through your nose and your mouth and your eye sockets, from your financial asshole." See! Fiscal Ebola? My financial asshole is bleeding? This was exactly why I started poetfolio.com; there are money poets everywhere." humor Jess Walter
49eeaa4 "I have never been able to understand how men can feel affection for individuals who are intent on massacring them in a variety of unpleasant ways, but it is an undeniable fact that they can and do. Witness the immortal verse of Mr. Kipling: "So 'ere's to you, Fuzzy-Wuzzy, at your 'home in the Soudan; You're a pore benighted 'eathen but a first-class fightin' man!" One can only accept this as another example of the peculiar emotional aberrations of the male sex." aggressiveness humor inexplicable-ways machismo men power warlike Elizabeth Peters
a72c040 Take your pick. It literally could be any one of those things and many, many more. It's hard to live a morally good life when you have a propensity for shenanigans. humor T.J. Klune
46d95cc He was always inclined to read a fictitious sombreness into things when the shadows began to creep over the world and it was still too early for a cocktail. humor P.G. Wodehouse
e1bc187 "By journey's end the brides were much better acquainted with their grooms and more or less pleased with the matches. Sybil Bingham wrote in her diary, thanking God for answering her prayer for filling "the void" with a husband like Hiram, a "treasure rich and undeserved." Having read his insufferable memoir, "A Residence of Twenty-one Years in the Sandwich Islands", all I can say is: I'm happy for her?" humor love marriage Sarah Vowell
24ee79d I mean, here we are in LA. The home of celebrities. They're the local natural phenomenon. Everyone knows you come to LA to see the celebrities, like you go to Sri Lanka to see the elephants. funny humor Sophie Kinsella
44bd74b Why is a man with a knife after your blood? Who sent him? I would like to write the fellow a letter of thanks! humor sarcasm Elizabeth Peters
0882153 "In a century or two this planet will have been destroyed by external cosmic forces or by the senseless activity of the human race. Human life is a freak phenomenon, soon to be blotted out. That is a consoling thought. Meanwhile we are surrounded by strange invisible entities, possibly your angels." "I hope so." "Ah, you think they are good, they be good, there is no good, the tendency to evil is overwhelming. One has only to think of the horrors of sex, its violence, its cruelty, its filthy vulgarity, its descent into bestial degradation. You had better go and dream in your monastery." "Would you come and visit me there?" "Of course not. I do not visit. Only, unfortunately, am sometimes visited." "You don't want to discuss -- you know -- what happened? My priest said -- " "No." "I care about how you are, I love you." "You still fail to realise how this sort of talk sickens me. Now please go. This will do for a welcome home scene. Tell them not to come. I desire to be left alone." end-of-the-world humor iris-murdoch misanthrope pessimistic recluse relationship the-green-knight Iris Murdoch
a734c1c "I have lots of faith," the fallen angel said as he crouched down and coaxed the dog closer. "I have faith that this is a bad idea. She's not going to belive you. She's going to think we're nuts. She's going to call the police unless she has a record, and if she does she'll run away." humor Kim Harrison
a656905 (...) my money guy Richard is going without a tie now, like a politician who wants to appeal to the suffering common man (or perhaps every morning his firm takes the ties and shoelaces away from the brokers and financial planners to keep them from offing themselves) finance humor suicide Jess Walter
a48e787 The women in the kitchen took turns making a fuss over the baby, acting like it was their job to keep her entertained until the Magi arrived. But the baby wasn't entertained. Her blue eyes were glazed over. She was staring into the middle distance, tired of everything. All this rush to make sandwiches and take in presents for a girl who was not year a year old. christening humor party women Ann Patchett
a3218fd "No way that was a act. She really is that gullible. She really is dumb as a sack of moondust." "Yet very sweet." Eve rolled her eyes toward him. "I think you have to have a penis to get that impression." humor J.D. Robb
a1a7e68 "You did a politics project on a government that got overthrown on the due date? Man, did anybody ever tell you you've got no luck?" "I suspected it," said Raymond ironically." humor luck politics project school Gordon Korman
a122bfb "He opened the first letter, No "Dear Mr. Woods." It was a page full of profanities. There was something oddly refreshing about honest, to-the-point hate mail. No hypocrisy and forced politeness. Too many letters ripped you to shreds, then closed off 'Sincerely yours." humor Randy Alcorn
9cad063 Preparing the communal evening meal sometimes caused arguments. Every village in Sicily had a different recipe for squid and eels, disagreed on what herbs should be disbarred from the tomato sauce. And whether sausages should ever be baked. humor Mario Puzo
9c9a654 "It is the way in which the Dark returns, Harrier. I will explain, if you like." "Oh, no," Harrier said. "I'd much rather not know a thing about what we're facing. Let me get dressed first." A few minutes later Harrier came back, dressed for the day. He made another cup of hot cordial for Tiercel, refilled the kettle and started the water brewing for tea, and set some dried fruit to soak for griddle-cakes. "Okay. Now. Ruin my day," he invited." character-tiercel humor james-mallory mercedes-lackey the-phoenix-endangered Mercedes Lackey
98c4cdf I would offer congratulations were it not for this tentacle gripping my leg. humor tentacle Jack Vance
9707da8 I adore your jealousy, especially when it's so misplaced. I expect Shakespeare wrote a sonnet about that. humor iris-murdoch jealousy misplaced the-message-to-the-planet Iris Murdoch
968dd0d My mom once told me that my dad had given me an alliterative name, Wade Watts, because he thought it sounded like the secret identity of a superhero. Like Peter Parker or Clark Kent. humor secret-identity superhero-reference superheroes Ernest Cline
9510320 "Sir, do you know how they were used to fill balloons, and how they now do it?" "No," said Alverstoke. "I've no doubt, however, that I soon shall." He was right. From then on Felix, who had acquired a tattered copy of the History and Practice of Aerostation, maintained a flow of conversation, largely informative, but interspersed with eager questions." humor Georgette heyer
93fbd3c "Maybe a holiday miracle will change Mearth's awful behavior," Mandy suggested with optimism. "The only holiday miracle around here is that Mearth hasn't murdered us both yet," said Alecto, lighting another cigarette, his hands shaking erratically. He looked exhausted and terrified, his gray eyes soulless. "Do you know what Mearth likes, Alecto?" Mandy questioned. "Vegetables, she likes celery a lot, and lettuce," Alecto responded in a quiet monotone. "I don't know what else she likes. I've never asked her." "Well, she has to like something... doesn't everyone?" "Not her, Mandy Valems." christmas cigarette comedy gift going-green hoiday humor lettuce miracle mother-earth murder present vegetables Rebecca McNutt
0594adb "Shergahn and friend lay like poleaxed steers, and the Daranfelian's greasy hair was thick with potatoes, carrots, gravy, and chunks of beef. His companion had less stew in his hair, but an equally large lump was rising fast, and Brandark flipped his improvised club into the air, caught it in proper dipping position, and filled it once more from the pot without even glancing at them. He raised the ladle to his nose, inhaled deeply, and glanced at the cook with an impudent twitch of his ears. "Smells delicious," he said while the laughter started up all around the fire. "I imagine a bellyful of this should help a hungry man sleep. Why, just look what a single ladle of it did for Shergahn!" bully defeat delicious food funny good humor humorous laughter lump shame sleep steer stew triumph yummy David Weber
92974de Luckily, I was not born a white man.* *This has never before been said in the history of humanity. feminism feminist humor humorous-quotes Mindy Kaling
b639bac "No threatening the cat!" Mr. Snuggly said." humor Charlaine Harris
923291b I am still not used to being the possessor of such a grand title. I believe I shall have to start wearing a purple satin turban and carrying a lorgnette. dialogue fashion humor mary-balogh regency regency-romance romance witty-banter Mary Balogh
911fbb3 "Are we running hot or something?" Peabody demanded. "So a person can't take a minute to have a cup of coffee and maybe a small bite to eat, especially when the person got off a full subway stop early to work off the anticipated bite to eat." "If you're finished whining about it, I'll fill you in." "A real partner would have brought me a coffee to go so I could drink it while being filled in." "How many coffee shops did you pass on your endless and arduous hike from the subway?" "It's not the same," Peabody muttered. "And it's not my fault I'm coffee spoiled. You're the one who brought the real stufff made from real beans into my life. You addicted me." She pointed an accusing finger at Eve. "And now you're withholding the juice." "Yes, that was my plan all along. And if you ever want real again in this lifetime, suck it up and do my bidding." Peabody stared. "You're like Master Manipulator. An evil coffee puppeteer." "Yes, yes, I am. Do you have any interest, Detective, in where we're going, who we're going to see, and why?" "I'd be more interested if I had coffee." -- coffee-lovers friendship humor J.D. Robb
b784a88 "Your eyes shine," he said. "How do they do that?" "Blood," she said." -- humor Aimee Bender
8f20548 "Daddy," said the toddler, now seething with righteous indignation, "you are a poo-poo head!" Feigning outrage, JFK lowered his voice. "John," he said, "no one calls the President of the United States a poo-poo head." humor kids Christopher Andersen
8ef8beb One is forced to examine one's life when trapped in the wall by a Murphy bed. humor rene-gutteridge Cheryl McKay
8e0e606 Curled up on one of her pillows a gray fluff of kitten yawned, showing its pink tongue, tucked its head under again, and went back to sleep. humor Madeleine L'Engle
8dcbddb It's a sad fact of modern life that sooner or later you will end up on YouTube doing something stupid. The trick, according to my dad, is to make a fool of yourself to the best of your ability. broken-homes humor youtube Ben Aaronovitch
ba890e2 Mr. Schlubb, the pear-shaped PE teacher, sent us all out to run half a dozen laps around a preposterously enormous cinder track. For the Greenwood kids--all of us white, marshmallowy, innately unphysical, squinting unfamiliarly in the bright sunshine--it was a shock to the system of an unprecedented order. exercise gym humor memoir running Bill Bryson
88d612f Malory! You've got a chipmunk on your pussy! funny humor humorous Tamara Thorne
88d2843 So etwas wie ein standiges Spurensicherungsteam gibt es ubrigens nicht. da die Spurensicherung so teuer ist, bestellt man sie beim Innenministerium immer nur happchenweise wie beim chinesischen Lieferservice. Aus der prozession von Plastikanzugen zu schliessen, die an uns voruberzog, hatte Stephanopoulos sich das Super-Deluxe-Menu fur sechs Personen mit einer extraportion Reis gegonnt. Und ich war dann wohl der Gluckskeks. humor Ben Aaronovitch
8890cb4 "I said, 'Don't talk rot, Old Tom Travers." "I am not accustomed to talk rot," he said. "Then, for a beginner," I said, "you do it dashed well." humor humour jeeves jeeves-and-wooster retort P.G. Wodehouse
88860a8 Quote is taken from Chapter 1: Since Etta could log in her rare Baltimore oriole sighting, she decided she'd had enough birding for one day. It was just a fun hobby, not an obsession. cozy cozy-mysteries cozy-mystery humor mysteries-cozy romance whodunit women-sleuths Ed Lynskey
87d5b7c In my unfortunately infrequent encounters with real passion, I'm rarely as careful as I ought to be. The rationalization goes something like: With all the bullets and mortar rounds I've survived, I must be immune to sexually transmitted diseases. Stupid, I know. More likely, fate will indulge its taste for irony by killing me with AIDS os some other unpleasant alternative. die-by-the-sword humor personal-beliefs Barry Eisler
bc5078c Oh my God. Oh my God, J.P. is in love with me. And we blew up the school. dramatic-moment humor romance Meg Cabot
87675d9 If you believe in yourself and work hard, your dreams will come true. Well...I guess the people who work hard whose dreams come true don't get to write books about it, so we never really find out what happens to them. So... If you believe in yourself and work hard, you have a fighting shot at having your dreams come true. humor life-lessons Mindy Kaling
05481ed "I could write an epic poem about your thighs." "That would amuse polite society rather too much, and I wouldn't like that." "I wouldn't either." She pressed her cheek to his belly. "I can't think of a word to rhyme with marble column." -- humor sex Christina Dodd
86c1b25 El Pelos, cuando le preguntaron en clase de Fisica por las tres reglas de conducta en caso de detonacion nuclear, contesto: - Primero: mirar, porque un espectaculo asi solo se ve una vez en la vida. Segundo: tumbarme y reptar hasta el cementerio mas proximo, y tercero y principal: hacerlo despacio, para que no cunda el panico. Le cascaron un cuatro, pero no le impusieron una contribucion al debate. humor nuclear-bomb Thomas Brussig
84fa21d "We're leaving," I told her one July afternoon. "We? You and I? Where are we going, young Master Paul? Do you have your belongings tied up in a red-spotted handkerchief on a stick?" -- dialogue humor julian-barnes teasing the-only-story Julian Barnes
8388289 He had spoken with such absolute confidence that I knew he had to be blowing this out of his rectal orifice. humor humorous Neal Stephenson
bdc1030 I walked over to the paper and bent as the pencil began scribbling across it. A stupid question. Liz was the only poltergeist I knew. But if she was here, that meant. My heart started thudding again. I took a deep breath. I watched the paper. Nothing happened. No, she didn't. We hadn't taken them into the forest. If Chloe had managed to follow me straight from there ... I swore. humor liz message Kelley Armstrong
be5450a I can't deal with angry people until after I've had my morning coffee. coffee henning-mankell humor magnus-martinsson wallander Henning Mankell
05399be All of our lives are governed by a certain degree of faith in bullshit. humor Dan Simmons
7c56cd9 I know you're the only pistol champion we have, but I'd rather they no see enough of you to hit. You're also the only wife I have... fargo humor wife Clive Cussler
7c3d5b8 All this to say Gallo wants to get into your Little Mermaid panties. And if you don't get that, you're dumber than I ever thought, which gives me such a headache to even contemplate. The massive amount of your dumbness. It hurts me,' he whined. george humor MaryJanice Davidson
c0b4ae9 I rolled my eyes as the elevator door opened. 'I was thinking more along the lines of Tick and Tock. You know they won't--' 'Holy shit, boss! Did you beat him up with your mouth?' Tick exclaimed loudly as he stood from his perch near the elevator doors. '--keep their mouths shut,' I muttered. 'Jesus,' Tock whispered. 'Gay sex is hardcore.' He jumped up and stood next to me, not knowing what personal space meant. 'I think he was trying to eat you,' he told me. 'Or something,' I agreed. hardcore humor m-m-romance T.J. Klune
7bf54cb Nada nos divierte tanto a los chilenos como burlarnos de nosotros mismos, aunque jamas soportariamos que lo hiciese un extranjero. humor identidad Isabel Allende
7a4b017 I tried deep breathing, but seemed to lose contact with myself between each breath, so that the next one was always an emergency. I began to feel faint. deep-breathing dissociation humor iris-murdoch panic-attack the-black-prince Iris Murdoch
c266e10 Even Sally wound't want to cross fans with the Dowager Duchess of Dovedale. The woman had a tongue of steel and drank the blood of young virgins for breakfast. humor Lauren Willig
c30b988 The table was a large one, but the three were all crowded together at one corner of it: 'No room! No room!' they cried out when they saw Alice coming. 'There's of room!' said Alice indignantly, and she sat down in a large arm-chair at one end of the table. 'Have some wine,' the March Hare said in an encouraging tone. Alice looked all round the table, but there was nothing on it but tea. 'I don't see any wine,' she remarked. 'There isn't any,' said the March Hare. 'Then it wasn't very civil of you to offer it,' said Alice angrily. 'It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited,' said the March Hare. etiquette humor manners Lewis Carroll
0020c15 Whenever Elliot Norther's wife was nervous she baked. With the murder of Harriet Mason, her husband's close colleague at the Faculty, she had been unable to resist a couple of Victoria sponges. During the frenzied press speculation about the identity of the murderer, a Dundee cake had appeared, followed swiftly by a Battenberg and a Lemon Drizzle. Since news of the Wildencrust murder broke, the kitchen, dining room and study had come to resemble the storerooms of an industrial bakery, every surface heaving with the weight of sponge and cream. Yesterday, having at last been overwhelmed by the fear and rumour that swept the town, she had taken herself off to her mother's house in Hampstead, leaving her husband to soldier on alone. When he had last seen his wife, Elliot Norther noticed that she had been putting the finishing touches to an impressive, triple-tiered wedding cake, beating a batch of royal icing into a sickly paste. humor humour thriller Robert Clear
783d533 The verdict of this court is that the accused are guilty of witchcraft. The maximum penalty the law allows is to be burned to death.However, in view of your previous good background I am disposed to be lenient. I therefore sentence you to be burned alive. humor satire witchcraft Richard Curtis
77b6ea3 "As boys going to sea immediately become nautical in speech, walk as if they already had their "sea legs" on, and shiver their timbers on all possible occasions, so I turned military at once, called my dinner my rations, saluted all new comers, and ordered a dress parade that very afternoon." humor Louisa May Alcott
c4c7a88 "The "Hazeldean heart" was a proverbial boast in the family; the Hazeldeans privately considered it more distinguished than the Sillerton gout, and far more refined than the Wesson liver; and it had permitted most of them to survive, in valetudinarian ease, to a ripe old age, when they died of some quite other disorder. But Charles Hazeldean had defied it, and it took its revenge, and took it savagely." humor illness Edith Wharton
732644f I put ten sugar cubes in my coffee. I drank it through my tongue, and my blood sang like the Archangel Gabriel as the sugar flooded in. That can't be natural humor David Mitchell
71d3825 "New Rule: Stop talking about "the gas prices under Obama." As if he's the guy out there changing the numbers on the sign with that long pole. And while they're at the gas station, Republicans who still think human activity doesn't affect air quality should poke their heads in the men's room." gas gas-prices humor obama oil Bill Maher
c54b50d Her philosophy was, if it had a pulse, it could be killed. I didn't really have a philosophy, but I could see how talking with the school director would be difficult for her. If he said something she didn't like, chopping him to tiny pieces wouldn't exactly help me get into the school. humor school self-control Ilona Andrews
c58ffe5 I do not think my life would make a very interesting book,' I say. 'I feel I can speak with a certain amount of authority here. humor Paul Murray
7093c35 And as the wicked are always ungrateful, and necessity leads to evil doing, and immediate advantage overcomes all considerations of the future, Gines, who was neither grateful nor well-principled, made up his mind to steal Sancho Panza's ass. humor Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra
6f50a9a I shouldn't have to do the foot-soldier work, Tahiri. Be my eyes and ears. I'd hate to have to use ch'hala trees. You're smarter than a tree--aren't you? --Darth Caedus to Tahiri Veila humor jacen-solo star-wars tahiri-veila Karen Traviss
6eb5dba "... And what am I to do?" "Well, that depends. Do you like the girl?" "Like her? I don't know. How do you know if...?" "It's very simple. Do you look at her furtively and feel like biting her?" "Biting her?" "On her backside, for example." -- humor like Carlos Ruiz Zafón
c6b00c6 No matter what my fucking last words were, please say they were these: 'I have always known that the pursuit of excellence is a lethal habit. humor last-words John Irving
6cd2f30 Weddings, I began to understand, were vile, filthy things when they ran amuck. humor marriage relationships weddings Laurie Notaro
6bb40cd She had one of those husky voices that sounded as if she were permanently coming down with a cold. Men seemed to find that sexy in a woman, which Jackson thought was odd because it made women sound less like women and more like men. Maybe it was a gay thing. humor husky-voice men sexy women Kate Atkinson
69f934e You get so worked up and flowery! You sound as if you were quoting something all the time! flowery humor iris-murdoch quoting the-black-prince Iris Murdoch
c9e8d60 "Tyrena did not laugh again but her smile slashed upward in a twist of green lips. "Martin, Martin, Martin," she said, "the population of literate people has been declining steadily since Gutenberg's day. By the twentieth century, less than two percent of the people in the so-called industrialized democracies read even one book a year. And that was before the smart machines, dataspheres, and user-friendly environments." humor reading satire social-commentary Dan Simmons
683d378 "That's the unforgivable sin, you know." "What is?" "Refusing to forgive someone." "Refusing to forgive someone is the unforgivable sin?" I asked incredulously." humor irony sin Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
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