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639506e I had aimed at Mars and was about to hit Venus; unquestionably the all-time cosmic record for poor shots. funny humor science-fiction space-travel Edgar Rice Burroughs
6f1e509 Breath Properly, Stay Curious, and Always Eat Your Beets! humor jitterbug-perfume tom-robbins Tom Robbins
3e88669 Y con animo sombrio penso en que aun estaba muy lejos de llegar a algo con una chica si solo pretendia idolatrarla y despues morir noblemente por ella. humor love Thomas Brussig
1a813ad Therapies administered included but were not limited to: turning things off, then on again; picking them up a couple of inches and then dropping them; turning off nonessential appliances in this and other rooms; removing lids and wiggling circuit boards; extracting small contaminants, such as insects and their egg cases, with nonconducting chopsticks; cable-wiggling; incense-burning; putting folded-up pieces of paper beneath table legs; drinking tea and sulking; invoking unseen powers; sending runners to other rooms, buildings, or precincts with exquisitely calligraphed notes and waiting for them to come back carrying spare parts in dusty, yellowed cardboard boxes; and a similarly diverse suite of troubleshooting techniques in the realm of software. humor troubleshooting Neal Stephenson
ae83d97 The Chairman glared across three hundred and eighty thousand kilometers of space at Conrad Taylor, who reluctantly subsided, like a volcano biding its time. humor science science-fiction scifi space Arthur C. Clarke
b2a854e "Can I cuddle up with you when you sleep?" Sma stopped, detached the creature from her shoulder with one hand and stared it in the face. "What?" "Just for chumminess' sake," the little thing said, yawning wide and blinking. "I'm not being rude; it's a good bonding procedure." Sma was aware of Skaffen-Amtiskaw glowing red just behind her. She brought the yellow and brown device closer to her face. "Listen, Xenophobe--" "Xeny." "Xeny. You are a million-ton starship. A Torturer class Rapid Offensive Unit. Even--" "But I'm demilitarized!" "Even without your principle armament, I bet you could waste planets if you wanted to--" "Aw, come on; any silly GCU can do that!" "So what's all this shit for?" She shook the furry little remote drone, quite hard. Its teeth chattered. "It's for a laugh!" it cried. "Sma, don't you appreciate a joke?" "I don't know. Do you appreciate being drop-kicked back to the accommodation area?" "Ooh! What's your problem, lady? Have you got something against small furry animals, or what?" Look Ms. Sma, I know very well I'm a ship, and I do everything I'm asked to do--including taking you to this frankly rather fuzzily specified destination--and do it very efficiently, too. If there was the slightest sniff of any real action, and I had to start acting like a warship, this construct in your hands would go lifeless and limp immediately, and I'd battle as ferociously and decisively as I've been trained to. Meanwhile, like my human colleagues, I amuse myself harmlessly. If you really hate my current appearance, all right; I'll change it; I'll be an ordinary drone, or just a disembodied voice, or talk to you through Skaffen-Amtiskaw here, or through your personal terminal. The last thing I want is to offend a guest." Sma pursed her lips. She patted the thing on its head and sighed. "Fair enough." "I can keep this shape?" "By all means." "Oh goody!" It squirmed with pleasure, then opened its big eyes wide and looked hopefully at her. "Cuddle?" "Cuddle." Sma cuddled it, patted its back. She turned to see Skaffen-Amtiskaw lying dramatically on its back in midair, its aura field flashing the lurid orange that was used to signal Sick Drone in Extreme Distress." humor kawaii Iain M. Banks
189cb5f If I tell you another seven hundred times, maybe one of these days you might turn your clothes right side out when you put them in the hamper, eh? humor laundry Jodi Picoult
b1b7302 ...What do people think about my staying with Harrison with him chasing everything that's hot and hollow? humor infidelity Dashiell Hammett
2b9fe73 Here they go cruising for a fortnight up in parts where everyone is dead of radiation, and all that they can catch is measles! disease humor illness measles radioactivity submarines Nevil Shute
6e7c6dd What's the biggest problem facing teenagers today? Ourselves. We're a generation of lazy underachievers who need to learn that hard work pays off. What's your town known for? Cow manure! Hold for laughs... Actually Irondale is the setting of Fannie Flagg's famous novel Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe. Why'd you enter the Junior Miss Birmingham pageant? To win... to go to State... then Nationals... maybe get the hell out of Alabama. birmingham humor pageant teen Nadria Tucker
3f4880c Inu-Yasha: Is it my imagination, or have you been a little prickly lately? Sango: It's your imagination! humor manga Rumiko Takahashi
f21a7e9 As much as I disliked Eddie Kuntz, I could sort of identify with a man who got a stiffie over banana cream pie. erection humor identify janet-evanovich pie stephanie-plum stiffy Janet Evanovich
f217da5 "New Rule: Conservatives have to stop complaining about Hollywood values. It's Oscar time again, which means two things: (1) I've got to get waxed, and (2) talk-radio hosts and conservative columnists will trot out their annual complaints about Hollywood: We're too liberal; we're out of touch with the Heartland; our facial muscles have been deadened with chicken botulism; and we make them feel fat. To these people, I say: Shut up and eat your popcorn. And stop bitching about one of the few American products--movies---that people all over the world still want to buy. Last year, Hollywood set a new box-office record: $16 billion worldwide. Not bad for a bunch of socialists. You never see Hollywood begging Washington for a handout, like corn farmers, or the auto industry, or the entire state of Alaska. What makes it even more inappropriate for conservatives to slam Hollywood is that they more than anybody lose their shit over any D-lister who leans right to the point that they actually run them for office. Sony Bono? Fred Thompson? And let'snot forget that the modern conservative messiah is a guy who costarred with a chimp. That's right, Dick Cheney. I'm not trying to say that when celebrities are conservative they're almost always lame, but if Stephen Baldwin killed himself and Bo Derrick with a car bomb, the headline the next day would be "Two Die in Car Bombing." The truth is that the vast majority of Hollywood talent is liberal, because most stars adhere to an ideology that jibes with their core principles of taking drugs and getting laid. The liebral stars that the right is always demonizing--Sean Penn and Michael Moore, Barbra Streisand and Alec Baldwin and Tim Robbins, and all the other members of my biweekly cocaine orgy--they're just people with opinions. None of them hold elective office, and liberals aren't begging them to run. Because we live in the real world, where actors do acting, and politicians do...nothing. We progressives love our stars, but we know better than to elect them. We make the movies here, so we know a well-kept trade secret: The people on that screen are only to be geniuses, astronauts, and cowboys. So please don't hat eon us. And please don't ruin the Oscars. Because honestly, we're just like you: We work hard all year long, and the Oscars are really just our prom night. The tuxedos are scratchy, the limousines are rented, and we go home with eighteen-year-old girls." humor politics Bill Maher
538c457 We're like the couple on the sitcom that has good sparks but never get together for the sake of ratings. funny humor love Aimee Bender
3d0edf8 "I still don't know why we didn't hire a car to get around Ireland." "When I was a kid, I always dreamed about living in Ireland. I used to pretend I was one of the traveling people, driving my gypsy wagon from village to village. Used to picture a dark gypsy kidnapping me and having his way with me. Exciting stuff." Katy grinned at her. "Could still happen, you know." "Katy, we have a horse that's so laid-back I have to keep checking to see if he's dead." humor ireland Nina Bangs
cc4fa6f She kept her ears permanently tuned to the chicken voices outside, so knew immediately when a coyote had crept into the yard, and barreled screaming for the front door before the rest of us had a clue. (I don't know about the coyote, but I nearly needed CPR.) These hens owed their lives and eggs to Lily, there was no question. coyote cpr humor Barbara Kingsolver
9e9c9db Being dead means never having to do anything sneaky. humor sneaky Lawrence Block
2fd0730 Like the NRA says, it's better to have a machine gun and not need it than to need a machine gun and not have it. guns humor john-sandford mgg michele-cook nra outrage the-singular-menace John Sandford
f77f061 "People realize that a life that had seemed enjoyable (travel, social life, romance) and fulfilling (work) was actually empty and meaningless. So they urge you to join the child-rearing party: they want you to share the riches, the pleasures, the joys. Or so they claim. I suspect that hey just want to share and spread the misery. (The knowledge that someone is at liberty or has escaped makes the pain of incarceration doubly hard to bear). Of all the arguments for having children, the suggestion that it gives life 'meaning' is the one to which I am most hostile--apart from all the others" (201)." humor life-lessons Geoff Dyer
e08a1eb What doesn't kill you will eventually turn you on humor Erika Lopez
819f8f1 It's also important to read the newspaper every day to see how the pope is doing. Here in Rome, the pope's health is recorded daily in the newspaper, very much like weather, or the TV schedule. Today the pope is tired. Yesterday, the pope was less tired than he is today. Tomorrow, we expect that the pope will not be so tired as he was today. humor Elizabeth Gilbert
3b49606 The Red Lion was a four-ale bar with a handful of lowbrowed sons of toil who looked as though they might be related to one another in ways frowned on by the Old Testament. humor rude-mechanicals Sebastian Faulks
26a651c Bernard: ... By the way, Valentina, do you want credit? - 'the game book recently discovered by.'? Valentine: It was never lost, Bernard. Bernard: 'As recently pointed out by.' I don't normally like giving credit where it's due, but with scholarly articles as with divorce, there is a certain cachet in citing a member of the aristocracy. I'll pop it in ad lib for the lecture, and give you a mention in the press release. How's that? Valentine: Very kind. citation-protocol humor Tom Stoppard
3124ae9 Some may say that the British are obsessed with class difference and that knowing your apostrophes is a way of belittling the uneducated. To which accusation, I say (mainly), 'Pah!' How can it be a matter of class difference when ignorance is universal? class-difference grammar humor ignorance intellectualism Lynne Truss
7ae0151 "Where are you from?" She asked without thinking. "I was born in the mountains." Runach said with a shrug. "The place doesn't matter." "Do you have siblings?" "Yes, several. Not all are still living. He smiled faintly. "You are full of questions this afternoon." "The library was a bad influence on me." Runach smiled briefly. "And I believe that was three questions you asked me, which leaves me with three of my own for you to answer." "That was two." "I don't count very well." "I think you count very well," she said grimly. He only smiled again. "I'll contemplate which answers I'll have and let you know." Aisling thought she just might be dreading them, but couldn't bring herself to say as much. "What was your home like?" she asked. "Another question." "You look distracted." He smiled and a dimple peeked out at her from his unscarred cheek. "You are more devious than I give you credit for being. I am keeping a tally, you know. I will expect a like number of answers from you." She stared at him for a moment or two. It was difficult not to, but he didnt seem to mind. "Why?" She asked finally. "Beacause you are a mystery." "And do you care for a mystery?" "I am obsessed by a good mystery," he said frankly. "More than enough to pry a few answers out of you, however I am able." "And what if I am not inclined to give them?" She asked, her mouth suddenly dry. "Then I will wonder about you silently." "In truth?" she asked, surprised. Runach smiled, looking just as surprised. "What else would I do? Beat the answers from you?" "I don't know." She said slowly. "I don't know what soldiers do." He shook his head. "Hedge all you like, if you like." "Your mother must have been a well-bred lady." She said, frowning. "Why do you say that?" "She seems to have taught you decent manners, for your being a mere soldier." "She tried," he agreed, looking out over the sea. Aisling turned and looked at him. "How long ago did you lose her?" Runach took a deep breath and dragged his hand through his hair, before he bowed his head and slid her a look. "That answer will cost you dearly." Her first instinct, as always, was to say nothing. But the truth was, she lived and breathed still. She could tell him perhaps a bit about herself, without bringing the curse down upon her head. Aisling took her own deep breath. "Very well." "My mother died twenty years ago, though I vow it feels like yesterday." "How did she die?" Runach was very still. "My father slew her and half my siblings. Time has done the rest of that terrible work I suppose. She shut her mouth, and put her hand on his arm. "I'm sorry." "I am too," he agreed. Runach shook his head, then reached for her hand to draw it through his arm. "Let's walk whilst you spew out the answers you owe me. You'll be more comfortable that way, I'm sure." "I'm not sure you should worry about my comfort" Aisling managed, "not after those questions." "But I do. And now that I have bared my soul, I think you should worry about my comfort and do the same." humor runach Lynn Kurland
0e760f6 A lack of communication with horses has impeded human progress, said Abrenuncio. If we ever broke down the barriers, we could produce the centaur horses humor Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez
f52ef74 Solo cuando la mayoria de los habitantes de este planeta esten convencidos de que se estan muriendo, cada minuto que pasa, empezaremos a comportarnos como seres conscientes, racionales y compasivos. Porque, aunque el atractivo de <> sea grande, el terror de caer, imparablemente, en la nada absoluta es mucho mas efectivo. feminism feminismo feminismo-radical feminist feminista humor Caitlin Moran
9d22cc4 The corridor couldn't have smelled more strongly of fish guts if we had actually been inside a fish. humor Arthur Golden
79a036f Not that it isn't great to see you. But it's not so great for you. What'd you do wrong? Laugh at his dick? humor moira sex Margaret Atwood
78a1213 Tonight was a perfect illustration of why Cinderella and the Prince get married twenty-four hours after they meet. Because when you're living with your stepmother, there is no happily ever after. happily-ever-after humor Melissa Kantor
bb5a5fd Look, Neal, Hawaii is not some magical pixie wonderland; it's an American state populated by atomic weapons, a remnant native population and people too stupid to spell their way out of a paper bag. Most of them came here to escape pathetic lives in the forty nine other states, so in some sense, Hawaii is a scenic cul-de-sac filled with people who want to drink themselves to death without feeling judged. humor ugly-truths Douglas Coupland
0882153 "In a century or two this planet will have been destroyed by external cosmic forces or by the senseless activity of the human race. Human life is a freak phenomenon, soon to be blotted out. That is a consoling thought. Meanwhile we are surrounded by strange invisible entities, possibly your angels." "I hope so." "Ah, you think they are good, they be good, there is no good, the tendency to evil is overwhelming. One has only to think of the horrors of sex, its violence, its cruelty, its filthy vulgarity, its descent into bestial degradation. You had better go and dream in your monastery." "Would you come and visit me there?" "Of course not. I do not visit. Only, unfortunately, am sometimes visited." "You don't want to discuss -- you know -- what happened? My priest said -- " "No." "I care about how you are, I love you." "You still fail to realise how this sort of talk sickens me. Now please go. This will do for a welcome home scene. Tell them not to come. I desire to be left alone." end-of-the-world humor iris-murdoch misanthrope pessimistic recluse relationship the-green-knight Iris Murdoch
9bc2e2b Jag har inget emot att do, bara inte i morgon, jag har en del jag skall gora forst. humor inspiration inspirational Astrid Lindgren
8655b16 "Earnshaw is quite a famous name, thanks to Miss Bronte . I did not realise there were Earnshaws in this country." Mrs. Earnshaw gave a sharp nod. "Aye. And Heathcliffs and Eyres, as well. Proper little thieves, those Bronte girls." deanna-raybourn emily-bronte humor jane-eyre lady-julia-grey meta silent-on-the-moor the-brontes wuthering-heights Deanna Raybourn
1098f78 I waved back and went in, and began to sort my way through ancient building plans that had been rolled up so long that straightening them out was like six bouts with an octopus. humor Dick Francis
a13213d "He coordinated his socks and underwear," she commented when Peabody came back in. "Colors and patterns. Who does that, and why?" "I read this article about how what you wear under your clothes is all about what makes you feel empowered and in control. It's the Under You." "If wearing matching boxers and socks make you feel empowered, you're a weenie." humor J.D. Robb
e47ea50 Butt he isn't my lover, or my fiance, or my boyfriend or anything, and I refuse to be killed with him. humor idiot-prince princess priorities Patricia C. Wrede
4f911d3 I decided, on the spot, to let God into my heart, in the hope that my newfound faith can somehow be used as a vicious weapon in the marital war. humor marriage religion Nick Hornby
ddabd08 Eventually, mercifully, the waitress prised the spoons out of our hands and took the dessert stuff away, and we were able to stumble zombielike out into the night. humor Bill Bryson
c0c309a Thank goodness there were people who were happy with nothing, thought Julia, so that people like her (and everyone else she had ever met) could have humor Edward St. Aubyn
16089a0 If only the devil were feminine - perhaps he (she) was; no one had ever seemed to think of that - he would readily believe that her pseudonym was Daisy Morrison. humor Mary Balogh
b57f239 A chuckle escaped Meredith's lips as Cassie swung from sleepy little girl to sympathetic confidante to vengeful angel all in the course of a single minute. humor sisters Karen Witemeyer
6154787 Let's not have forced gaiety this Christmas, said Nora, like it was a dish. We'll have a tiny bit of it, I said. humor Miriam Toews
da6887e Tribal Chief 1: The will of the people is what is best. That is what democracy means Tribal Chief 2: But if the people don't know what they are talking about, how can that be the best? humor humorous-quotes satire satirical-humor-quotes Leonard Wibberley
b60aefe Sandwiches,' she said, 'like diamonds, are forever. humor Muriel Spark
713b514 "She's such a bitch," Tina says, which I find a little contradictory, but overall quite true. "She's got to be in charge of everything." I sit next to her. "Well, I guess. But in business, that's leadership." Tina stares at me for a second. "I can't believe you consider that a positive trait. How about her inability to accept other points of view? Is it good leadership to be narrow, too?" "Focus," I say. "They call that focus." Tina stares at me. "Her paranoia?" "Business savvy." "Compulsive need to have everything just how she wants it?" "Organizational skills." "Aggressiveness?" "Aggressiveness," I say, "is already a good thing." "Jesus Christ," Tina says, her eyebrow ring glinting in the morning sun. "Sometimes I worry about this country." business-culture humor Max Barry
0d825ad "Studsy returned alone. "Maybe I'm wrong," he said as he sat down, "but I think somebody could do something with that cluck if they took hold of her right." Morelli said: "By the throat." Studsy grinned good-naturedly. "No. She's trying to get somewhere. She works hard at her singing lessons and -" humor Dashiell Hammett
82db6e2 At any rate I'd better be getting out of the wood, for really its coming on very dark. Do you think it's going to rain?' Tweedledum spread a large umbrella over himself and his brother, and looked up into it. 'No, I don't think it is,' he said: 'at least - not under here. Nohow.' 'But it may rain outside?' 'It may - if it chooses,' said Tweedledee: 'we've got no objection. Contrariwise. humor rain Lewis Carroll
e8aa1e8 A stab had clearly once been made at de-uglifying these public spaces by painting a corridor a jaunty yellow. This was because, it turned out, babies come here to have their brains tested and someone thought the yellow might calm them. But I couldn't see how. Such was the oppressive ugliness of this building it would have been like sticking a red nose on a cadaver and calling it Ronald McDonald. buildings cadaver humor oppression oppressive ronald-mcdonald ugliness Jon Ronson
8597eec [The materialist] thinks me a slave because I am not allowed to believe in determinism. I think [the materialist] a slave because he is not allowed to believe in fairies. fairies humor materialism G.K. Chesterton
bde9bde Who wanted to make lemonade from lemons, when you could make perfectly good lemonade grenades? fiction humor Melissa de la Cruz
2e49600 Amelia envisaged that between York and the royal-infested Scottish Highlands there was a grimy wasteland of derelict cranes and abandoned mills and betrayed, yet still staunch, people. Oh and moorland, of course, vast tracts of brooding landscape under lowering skies, and across this heath strode brooding, lowering men intent on reaching their ancestral houses, where they were going to fling open doors and castigate orphaned yet resolute governesses. Or -- preferably -- the brooding, lowering men were on horseback, black horses with huge muscled haunches, glistening with sweat -- gothic-romance heath humor jane-eyre literary-allusions scotland york Kate Atkinson
2792f18 ...killing Dirk, killing anybody, was not going to change anything apart from Francisco's f***ing ego, which was already large enough to house the world's poor twice over, with a few million bourgeoisie in the spare-room. humor Hugh Laurie
0d8b0d8 "Yes, the saint was underrated quite a bit, then, mostly by people who didn't like things that were ineffable... ...a lot of people don't like things that are unearthly, the things of this earth are good enough for them, and they don't mind telling you so. "If he'd just go out and get a job, like everybody else, then he could be saintly all day long..." --from "The Temptations of St. Anthony," by Donald Barthelme" humor sainthood short-story Donald Barthelme
a33ad6e This Nicholas anon leet fle a fart As greet as it had been a thonder-dent, That with the strook he was almoost yblent; And he was redy with his iren hoot, And Nicholas amydde the ers he smoot. Of gooth the skyn an hande-brede aboute, The hoote kultour brende so his toute, And for the smert he wende for to dye. farting humor slapstick Geoffrey Chaucer
49eeaa4 "I have never been able to understand how men can feel affection for individuals who are intent on massacring them in a variety of unpleasant ways, but it is an undeniable fact that they can and do. Witness the immortal verse of Mr. Kipling: "So 'ere's to you, Fuzzy-Wuzzy, at your 'home in the Soudan; You're a pore benighted 'eathen but a first-class fightin' man!" One can only accept this as another example of the peculiar emotional aberrations of the male sex." aggressiveness humor inexplicable-ways machismo men power warlike Elizabeth Peters
cec320c "Amphora," he murmured against the wide, sweet curve of her lips. His hands slid over the wide, sweet curve of her hips, cupping smoothness cool and solid, timeless and graceful as the swell of ancient pottery, promising abundance. "Like a Grecian vase. God, you've got the most beautiful arse!" "Jug-butt, huh?" arse ass butt diana-gabaldon drums-of-autumn grecian hips humor jug lips love outlander Diana Gabaldon
8ad5de9 "For example, they recently had a piece on a character--I think his name was Ambrosio D'Urbervilles--whose "design statement" was to stuff an entire apartment from floor to ceiling with dark purple cottonballs. He called it "Portrait of a Dead Camel Dancing on the Roof of a Steambath." design humor Mark Helprin
86d8c2d -- !Fuera de mi cabeza! --No puedo evitarlo. Estas transmitiendo tus pensamientos tan condenadamente fuerte, que siento que debo ir a sentarme en un rincon y comenzar a mecerme, susurrando el nombre de Daemon una y otra vez. funny humor saga-lux spanish Jennifer L. Armentrout
fcbe07c ",,Listen," Richard says, ,,unless you're about to inherit some money, what we're talking about here is irreversible, fatal. You have fiscal Ebola, Matt. You are bleeding out through your nose and your mouth and your eye sockets, from your financial asshole." See! Fiscal Ebola? My financial asshole is bleeding? This was exactly why I started poetfolio.com; there are money poets everywhere." humor Jess Walter
ea8bed8 "I've never met a politician who didn't deserve to be tossed into a pit full of Kallin," Beranabus grunts." humor politics Darren Shan
163d9a9 "That's a shame," said Bert, "to run out of crackers before you've run out of emergency." emergency here-there-be-dragons humor James A. Owen
63f0106 Mrs. Friedman lived in a happy snow globe of AP History. humor Harlan Coben
d1adb32 Kids must spend half their lives throwing things at the ducks in Regent's Park. How come he managed to pick a duck that pathetic? humor life Nick Hornby
a72c040 Take your pick. It literally could be any one of those things and many, many more. It's hard to live a morally good life when you have a propensity for shenanigans. humor T.J. Klune
644cee8 "Two different primaries," she continued, striding around the office. "Two different cops, and both of them fucked up the case. What are they using to train them in Chicago -- old videos of the Three Boobs?" "I think that's Stooges," Roarke remarked. "What?" He glanced up, focused fully on her, and smiled at the absolute baffled fury on her face. "Stooges, darling. The Three Stooges." "What's the difference, they're still incompetent knot-heads." humor J.D. Robb
07a8af6 "Of course. The team on your carriage was beautiful. They are yours, aren't they?" He ignored her and walked ahead until his foot connected with soft mushy ground. "Shit," he muttered. "Exactly." He glared at her, thinking himself a saint for not going for her throat." humor Julia Quinn
768b611 People who don't get excited about receiving gifts are tired of life. chick-lit humor Anna Maxted
af6b6d0 Washington's all abstraction. It's about access to power and nothing else. I mean, I'm sure it's fun if you're living next door to Seinfeld, or To Wolfe, or Mike Bloomberg, but living next door to them isn't what New York is about, In Washington people literally talk about how many feet away from John Kerry's house their own house is. The neighborhoods are all so blah, the only thing that turns people on is proximity to power. It's a total fetish culture. People get this kind of orgasmic shiver when they tell you they sat next to Paul Wolfowitz at a conference or got invited to Grover Norquist's breakfast. freedom humor washington Jonathan Franzen
0475c4f I often calculate odds on horse races; the civil service computermen frequently program such requests. But the results are so at variance with expectations that I have concluded either that the data is too meager, or the horses or riders are not honest. Possibly all three. horse-race humor Robert A. Heinlein
b0450e5 "From the slope of Haleakala, the Old Broad watched the activity in the channel with a two-hundred-power celestial telescope and a pair of "big eyes" binoculars that looked like stereo bazookas on precision mounts that were anchored into a ton of concrete." humor whales Christopher Moore
a53b3be "It was one of those situations I often find myself in while traveling. Something's said by a stranger I've been randomly thrown into contact with, and I want to say, "Listen. I'm with you on most of this, but before we continue, I need to know who you voted for in the last election." humor non-fiction politics short-stories travel David Sedaris
b32d1e8 "You know Quinn?" Macaulay asked me. "Ten minutes ago I was putting him to bed." Macaulay grinned. "I hope you keep his acquaintance like that - social" "Meaning what?" Macaulay's grin became rueful. "He used to be my broker, and his advice led me right up to the poorhouse steps." "That's sweet," I said. "he's my broker now and I'm following his advice." Macaulay and the girl laughed. I pretended I was laughing and returned to my table." broker funny humor money Dashiell Hammett
f59c597 he asked. He rubbed his fingers together. Unsure where this was headed, I shook my head. He reached over the counter and grabbed a knife. He cut the burger in half and slid the plate between us. Noah took another bite of his half. I smacked my lips like a cartoon character and bit into the succulent burger. When the juicy meat touched my tongue, I closed my eyes and moaned. The burger caught in my throat and I choked. Noah stifled a laugh while sliding my water toward me. If only drinking it would erase the annoying blush on my cheeks. cash dinero echo-emerson fries humor hungry money nice noah-hutchins sweet Katie McGarry
0da5b56 Jimmy Murray, you are an ass,' said Aunt Ruth, angrily. 'Well, we're cousins,' agreed Cousin Jimmy pleasantly. humor relations snipe wit L.M. Montgomery
135f202 "Claiming "the budget can't allow it" reminds me of when you walk into a restaurant at a civilized hour like ten o'clock and they say "the kitchen is closed." For years I would hear this, and think, "damn, just a little too late, oh well, thank you, I guess it's Denny's again." And then one day it hit me: kitchens don't . Just as at home, at a certain point in the night, I stop the kitchen--but at three in the morning, if I want to, I still have the ability to go downstairs and "re-open" the kitchen by turning on the stove and opening the refrigerator! Restaurants are not banks; at the stroke of ten an enormous airlock doesn't seal off the kitchen and render the preparation of food an utter ./ No, kitchens can open and budgets are what certain people say they are." analogy budget budget-cuts budgeting economy humor impossible possible Bill Maher
1eeb002 When presented with a member of the opposite sex, some of us get numbers and some of us throw up. dating humor nervousness Daria Snadowsky
cf180f5 Lucas - You'll have to excuse Paige's overenthusiastic attempt to befriend the local wildlife. Not many of their type where she comes from. Paige -Hey, we have gangs in Boston. Lucas - Ah, yes. I believe they're particularly bad down by the wharf, where they're liable to descend upon the unwary, surround him with their yachts, and shout well-chosen and elegantly elocuted epithets. humor Kelley Armstrong
b570a92 Whew,' he said, 'I'm glad that's over, Thomas. I've been feeling awfully bad about it.' It was only too evident that he no longer did. humor humour Graham Greene
b57ce93 "For months in the fall of 2001, our highways looked like a county fair on wheels. "Look out, Al-Qaeda---patriot on board!" I once saw a guy with five flags tell a guy with four flags to go back to Afghanistan." humor patriotism war-on-terror Bill Maher
f3629a7 "Um, thanks," Jackson told her. "And your name is...?" "I'm Margaret, Margaret Van Der Graaf," she answered with another eerie smile. Her teeth were so white that they looked bleached. "Van Der Graaf?" Jackson repeated, trying to stifle his laughter. He didn't want to be rude to the only person in sight, to this kind-hearted stranger who was offering to help him, but... Van Der Graaf? "What are you laughing at?" Margaret asked with curiosity, flashing him a calculating gaze. "I like my name. If you're going to be a jerk, then I won't help you. You can stay out here on the street through the night for all I care." "...Harsh," said Jackson, giving her a quizzical glance back. There was something 'off' about her, something that Jackson couldn't quite place, something that bordered on horrible loneliness and longing. "Who else lives here, Margaret Van Der Graaf?" He couldn't resist saying her name aloud. Despite its hilarity, it had a nice ring to it. "Who else lives here?" he urged. "Me, myself and I," said Margaret simply, snickering when she saw his horrified and annoyed expression" comedy friendship funny ghost humor longing lonliness name smile stranger weird Rebecca McNutt
219c754 "He gives her his Art History lecture. art-history humor visitors Donald Barthelme
3fc4a58 Megan stepping back let her glance switch from Alma to Isabel and return to Alma. No doubt about it, thought Megan. Created as much alike as any sisters ever had been, their resemblance started with their matching red-and-white polka dot blouses. Since she was a young girl, she had matched their eye colors to their different personalities. cozies cozy cozy-mysteries cozy-mystery humor mysteries-cozy romance whodunit women-sleuths Ed Lynskey
6f50a9a I shouldn't have to do the foot-soldier work, Tahiri. Be my eyes and ears. I'd hate to have to use ch'hala trees. You're smarter than a tree--aren't you? --Darth Caedus to Tahiri Veila humor jacen-solo star-wars tahiri-veila Karen Traviss
7093c35 And as the wicked are always ungrateful, and necessity leads to evil doing, and immediate advantage overcomes all considerations of the future, Gines, who was neither grateful nor well-principled, made up his mind to steal Sancho Panza's ass. humor Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra
77b6ea3 "As boys going to sea immediately become nautical in speech, walk as if they already had their "sea legs" on, and shiver their timbers on all possible occasions, so I turned military at once, called my dinner my rations, saluted all new comers, and ordered a dress parade that very afternoon." humor Louisa May Alcott
fcdab53 "Pamela produced placid babies. "They don't tend to turn feral until they're two," she said." children humor Kate Atkinson
4d38cb7 I'm not interested. I never liked him. He's some sort scoundrel. dialogue dislike humor iris-murdoch scoundrel the-black-prince Iris Murdoch
783d533 The verdict of this court is that the accused are guilty of witchcraft. The maximum penalty the law allows is to be burned to death.However, in view of your previous good background I am disposed to be lenient. I therefore sentence you to be burned alive. humor satire witchcraft Richard Curtis
49bae96 Within the same hour as the murder took place, Isabel Trumbo sat in her armchair dozing, the Alaskan Outdoor magazine on her lap. Her kid sister Alma fidgeted in the other armchair, from time to time picking up her newspaper folded over to the day's crossword puzzle. cozy cozy-mysteries cozy-mystery humor mysteries-cozy romance whodunit women-sleuths Ed Lynskey
a1a7e68 "You did a politics project on a government that got overthrown on the due date? Man, did anybody ever tell you you've got no luck?" "I suspected it," said Raymond ironically." humor luck politics project school Gordon Korman
c9e8d60 "Tyrena did not laugh again but her smile slashed upward in a twist of green lips. "Martin, Martin, Martin," she said, "the population of literate people has been declining steadily since Gutenberg's day. By the twentieth century, less than two percent of the people in the so-called industrialized democracies read even one book a year. And that was before the smart machines, dataspheres, and user-friendly environments." humor reading satire social-commentary Dan Simmons
7a4b017 I tried deep breathing, but seemed to lose contact with myself between each breath, so that the next one was always an emergency. I began to feel faint. deep-breathing dissociation humor iris-murdoch panic-attack the-black-prince Iris Murdoch
450637a With hand gestures, you can fill in a lot of gaps, and the words thing and stuff and -ness also help: patientness instead of patience, fastness instead of speed, honestness instead of honesty. With these choices, many words can be indicated, and pointing or gesticulating usually works. humor words Aimee Bender
e03cba8 The married thing. Sometimes I look at it and feel like someone from a Dickens novel, standing outside in the cold and staring in at Christmas dinner. Relationships hadn't ever really worked for me. I think it's had something to do with all the demons, ghosts, and human sacrifice. harry-dresden humor love michael-carpenter Jim Butcher
7c3d5b8 All this to say Gallo wants to get into your Little Mermaid panties. And if you don't get that, you're dumber than I ever thought, which gives me such a headache to even contemplate. The massive amount of your dumbness. It hurts me,' he whined. george humor MaryJanice Davidson
6bb40cd She had one of those husky voices that sounded as if she were permanently coming down with a cold. Men seemed to find that sexy in a woman, which Jackson thought was odd because it made women sound less like women and more like men. Maybe it was a gay thing. humor husky-voice men sexy women Kate Atkinson
c54b50d Her philosophy was, if it had a pulse, it could be killed. I didn't really have a philosophy, but I could see how talking with the school director would be difficult for her. If he said something she didn't like, chopping him to tiny pieces wouldn't exactly help me get into the school. humor school self-control Ilona Andrews
a734c1c "I have lots of faith," the fallen angel said as he crouched down and coaxed the dog closer. "I have faith that this is a bad idea. She's not going to belive you. She's going to think we're nuts. She's going to call the police unless she has a record, and if she does she'll run away." humor Kim Harrison
e484835 Jary, Garge, Elane and Daved Pady emerge from the Lamborgini Veneno like sad clown's from the SICKEST clown car ever. funny humor Seinfeld 2000
c4c7a88 "The "Hazeldean heart" was a proverbial boast in the family; the Hazeldeans privately considered it more distinguished than the Sillerton gout, and far more refined than the Wesson liver; and it had permitted most of them to survive, in valetudinarian ease, to a ripe old age, when they died of some quite other disorder. But Charles Hazeldean had defied it, and it took its revenge, and took it savagely." humor illness Edith Wharton
c0b4ae9 I rolled my eyes as the elevator door opened. 'I was thinking more along the lines of Tick and Tock. You know they won't--' 'Holy shit, boss! Did you beat him up with your mouth?' Tick exclaimed loudly as he stood from his perch near the elevator doors. '--keep their mouths shut,' I muttered. 'Jesus,' Tock whispered. 'Gay sex is hardcore.' He jumped up and stood next to me, not knowing what personal space meant. 'I think he was trying to eat you,' he told me. 'Or something,' I agreed. hardcore humor m-m-romance T.J. Klune
a3218fd "No way that was a act. She really is that gullible. She really is dumb as a sack of moondust." "Yet very sweet." Eve rolled her eyes toward him. "I think you have to have a penis to get that impression." humor J.D. Robb
e625021 The walking tour guides one through the city's various landmarks, reciting bits of information the listener might find enlightening. I learned, for example, that in the late 1500s my little neighborhood square was a popular spot for burning people alive. Now lined with a row of small shops, the tradition continues, though in a figurative rather than literal sense. david-sedaris france funny-quotes humor satire David Sedaris
35457d5 "In the goblin tongue, knowing from the book that Hephaestus spoke it but hoping that the dragon wouldn't know he knew, Drizzt yelled, "When the stupid dragon follows me out, come out and get the rest!" Hephaestus skidded to a stop and spun about, eyeing the low tunnel that led to the mines. The stupid dragon was in a frightful fit, wanting to munch on the imposing drow but fearing a robbery from behind... ...In the end, Hephaestus settled the dilemma as he settled every problem: He vowed to thoroughly eat the next merchant party that came his way." humor R.A. Salvatore
bdc1030 I walked over to the paper and bent as the pencil began scribbling across it. A stupid question. Liz was the only poltergeist I knew. But if she was here, that meant. My heart started thudding again. I took a deep breath. I watched the paper. Nothing happened. No, she didn't. We hadn't taken them into the forest. If Chloe had managed to follow me straight from there ... I swore. humor liz message Kelley Armstrong
2bc270e It had only taken me six years to change from a ten-year-old to a sixteen-year-old; surely six years wasn't long enough for a transformation of that magnitude. humor Nick Hornby
87675d9 If you believe in yourself and work hard, your dreams will come true. Well...I guess the people who work hard whose dreams come true don't get to write books about it, so we never really find out what happens to them. So... If you believe in yourself and work hard, you have a fighting shot at having your dreams come true. humor life-lessons Mindy Kaling
88860a8 Quote is taken from Chapter 1: Since Etta could log in her rare Baltimore oriole sighting, she decided she'd had enough birding for one day. It was just a fun hobby, not an obsession. cozy cozy-mysteries cozy-mystery humor mysteries-cozy romance whodunit women-sleuths Ed Lynskey
8890cb4 "I said, 'Don't talk rot, Old Tom Travers." "I am not accustomed to talk rot," he said. "Then, for a beginner," I said, "you do it dashed well." humor humour jeeves jeeves-and-wooster retort P.G. Wodehouse
88d2843 So etwas wie ein standiges Spurensicherungsteam gibt es ubrigens nicht. da die Spurensicherung so teuer ist, bestellt man sie beim Innenministerium immer nur happchenweise wie beim chinesischen Lieferservice. Aus der prozession von Plastikanzugen zu schliessen, die an uns voruberzog, hatte Stephanopoulos sich das Super-Deluxe-Menu fur sechs Personen mit einer extraportion Reis gegonnt. Und ich war dann wohl der Gluckskeks. humor Ben Aaronovitch
88d612f Malory! You've got a chipmunk on your pussy! funny humor humorous Tamara Thorne
2794e23 She pointed at the text as if it was a piece of rotten meat. I said. I picked the book up and double checked the title, to make sure I hadn't misidentified the subject. I said. I looked up to see she'd already left the room. Simon pointed at the text, grinned and faked a yawn. I said, striding after her. chloe derek humor physics simon Kelley Armstrong
b784a88 "Your eyes shine," he said. "How do they do that?" "Blood," she said." -- humor Aimee Bender
0c5b055 Long before man traveled into space, rabbis debated how one would observe Shabbat there-not because they anticipated space travel but because Buddhists strive to live with questions and Jews would rather die. humor jews Jonathan Safran Foer
25a1cdc She was of traditional build herself, but her figure was largely concealed by the folds of a generously cut shift dress made out of a flecked green fabric. It was like a tent, thought Mma Ramotswe--a camouflage tent of the sort that the Botswana Defence Force might use. But I do not sit in judgement on the dresses of others, she told herself, and a tent was a practical enough garment, if that is what one felt comfortable in. comfort humor judgement Alexander McCall Smith
240f1db The British were unhinged by the colonists' unorthodox fighting style and shocking failure to abide by gentlemanly rules of engagement. One scandalized British soldier complained that the American riflemen 'conceal themselves behind trees etc. till an opportunity presents itself of taking a shot at our advance sentries, which done, they immediately retreat. What an unfair method of carrying on a war! funny humor revolutionary-war war Ron Chernow
8ef8beb One is forced to examine one's life when trapped in the wall by a Murphy bed. humor rene-gutteridge Cheryl McKay
0594adb "Shergahn and friend lay like poleaxed steers, and the Daranfelian's greasy hair was thick with potatoes, carrots, gravy, and chunks of beef. His companion had less stew in his hair, but an equally large lump was rising fast, and Brandark flipped his improvised club into the air, caught it in proper dipping position, and filled it once more from the pot without even glancing at them. He raised the ladle to his nose, inhaled deeply, and glanced at the cook with an impudent twitch of his ears. "Smells delicious," he said while the laughter started up all around the fire. "I imagine a bellyful of this should help a hungry man sleep. Why, just look what a single ladle of it did for Shergahn!" bully defeat delicious food funny good humor humorous laughter lump shame sleep steer stew triumph yummy David Weber
f2fb309 "My name," said Mr. Fresh. "Pardon?" Charlie stopped tying himself up. "I dress in mint green because of my first name. It's Minty." christopher-moore humor minty-fresh Christopher Moore
211db09 "A soldier: "I know where heaven is and it's Lithuania ... The women are beautiful, pagan, with a practical view towards sex. Who says communism was bad? You're working three levels of advantages: you're a foreign male, you're a rich, exotic American, and their men are a bunch of drunken, criminal slobs." humor lithuania soldiers women Robert D. Kaplan
1f68492 I didn't know this before, but as it turns out, Tyrannosaurs can really haul ass. humor Jim Butcher
f487869 Crap. I thought that picture was you.' He pointed. 'That's not me. That's my mother,' Mal said with a sigh. 'Woah, you really do look like her, you know,' Jay said. 'You two could be twins,' Evie agreed. 'That, my friends, is called genetics,' Carlos said with a smile. humor villains Melissa de la Cruz
923291b I am still not used to being the possessor of such a grand title. I believe I shall have to start wearing a purple satin turban and carrying a lorgnette. dialogue fashion humor mary-balogh regency regency-romance romance witty-banter Mary Balogh
1abe1a2 "Why, you mean you didn't get abducted and dragged across country purely to make us a story for us to chew over endlessly?" asked Pip, tossing his shock of tow-colored hair indignantly. "The nerve!" humor sarcasm Mercedes Lackey
98c4cdf I would offer congratulations were it not for this tentacle gripping my leg. humor tentacle Jack Vance
fa3b0e7 "Leo offered his arm and Cassie took it. Sister and brother strolled aimlessly for a few moments. "Perhaps we have not suffered enough to earn happiness?" Cassie glanced up at him, relieved to note the teasing twinkle in his eye. "I should be happy to make you suffer with a well-placed kick to your backside if that's what you wish." Leo laughed. "I shall pass if you don't mind. Besides, I am barely nine-and-twenty and have plenty of time left to enjoy myself before the need truly arises to settle myself with a wife." He sobered. "You, however--" "Don't say it, Leo," Cassie said firmly. "Or I shall be forced to deliver that kick and a great deal more." humor sibling Victoria Alexander
a122bfb "He opened the first letter, No "Dear Mr. Woods." It was a page full of profanities. There was something oddly refreshing about honest, to-the-point hate mail. No hypocrisy and forced politeness. Too many letters ripped you to shreds, then closed off 'Sincerely yours." humor Randy Alcorn
add5aa8 The universe has certain rules. Among them are: And: And most applicable in this case: The first rule could be, at a stretch, applied to Tony Stark and the Iron Man suit, considering recent events. One notable exception to the second rule was currently swinging around New York City on a spider web, which did not bear thinking about. humor iron-man rules spiderman Eoin Colfer
1563858 SImon said. Derek said. derek humor simon Kelley Armstrong
6445722 My dad's idea of bonding was throwing me in the tar pits to teach me a lesson, though I'm not sure what the lesson was, except to stay the hell away from Da. humor Kevin Hearne
63ec679 You should have gone yourself, you ask for a Coke and they come back with orange drink. No one understands the martyrdom of the volunteers for the trip to food concession. humor Colson Whitehead
6211c2c The room had the rather sinister tedium which some bedrooms have, a sort of weary banality which is a reminder of death. A dressing table can be a terrible thing. description humor iris-murdoch morbid the-black-prince Iris Murdoch
1219fcc "Then Jack turned to her. Safari? That was the best excuse you could come up with for me not being at a meeting?" She winced apologetically. "I'm sorry. I'm a terrible liar." What was wrong with simple sickness? A nice, normal bout of food poisoning?" He was in a bad mood. I kind of got carried away," she admitted. Boy, are you lucky I watched Tarzan so much as a kid." humor Sarah Mayberry
d9a1016 This is the moral, Oh My Best Beloved: never kill anyone for a 'Cause'. For why not, Uncle Basher? Because causes don't pay, Little Friend of all the World. Adherents expect you to kill just for the righteousness of it. They don't want to pay you! They don't understand why you want paying! humor killing moran Kim Newman
da35f69 " - Ah,temos um mas. Voce devia ter sido critica literaria. Eles atiram-nos flores e depois dao-nos um pontape nos tomates." pag.130" cat-delanay humor Sandra Brown
d083f4a New Rule: Apple's next device must be a computer that you control with your tongue. Thanks for eliminating the keyboard and the mouse, but pointing and pushing at things already seems too complicated and tiring. We're Americans--and until you free our hands from the computer entirely, we can never attain our ultimate goal: Web surfing while eating and masturbating. humor laziness technology Bill Maher
d0674e1 They were not beggars; well, not in the usual sense. They were Christians, who wanted not just my nephew's money but their souls. delphi humor souls Lindsey Davis
d066025 Word of advice, sister mine. If you want to keep your papers private, don't write 'Private' on the cover. It set the mater right off. It was all I could do to stop her sniffing around like some great sniffing thing. funny-quotes humor turnip Lauren Willig
6eb5dba "... And what am I to do?" "Well, that depends. Do you like the girl?" "Like her? I don't know. How do you know if...?" "It's very simple. Do you look at her furtively and feel like biting her?" "Biting her?" "On her backside, for example." -- humor like Carlos Ruiz Zafón
bc5078c Oh my God. Oh my God, J.P. is in love with me. And we blew up the school. dramatic-moment humor romance Meg Cabot
71d3825 "New Rule: Stop talking about "the gas prices under Obama." As if he's the guy out there changing the numbers on the sign with that long pole. And while they're at the gas station, Republicans who still think human activity doesn't affect air quality should poke their heads in the men's room." gas gas-prices humor obama oil Bill Maher
8dcbddb It's a sad fact of modern life that sooner or later you will end up on YouTube doing something stupid. The trick, according to my dad, is to make a fool of yourself to the best of your ability. broken-homes humor youtube Ben Aaronovitch
9c9a654 "It is the way in which the Dark returns, Harrier. I will explain, if you like." "Oh, no," Harrier said. "I'd much rather not know a thing about what we're facing. Let me get dressed first." A few minutes later Harrier came back, dressed for the day. He made another cup of hot cordial for Tiercel, refilled the kettle and started the water brewing for tea, and set some dried fruit to soak for griddle-cakes. "Okay. Now. Ruin my day," he invited." character-tiercel humor james-mallory mercedes-lackey the-phoenix-endangered Mercedes Lackey
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