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8ed5d42 ... even though two decades and several years had gone by since [she] first decided to be a fairy, even though Lizabeth Kane now stood five feet six inches tall in her stocking feet, even though she was thirty two years old - she still had aspirations of growing up to be a fairy. humor Janet Evanovich
8fec28f "Forgive my brother," Camira apologized. "We don't normally let him out of his cage when guests are present." funny humor funny-quotes laugh-out-loud Brandon Mull
0da259b "He made my life hell. Him and Tonto over there." Daniel glared toward Nick. "Poor little Clay. He has problems. He's had a tough life. You should be nice to him. You should make friends with him. That's all I ever heard. All they saw was a cute little runt of a wolf cub. He bared his teeth and they thought it was cute. He ordered us around like a miniature Napoleon and they thought it was cute. Well, it wasn't cute from where I was standing. It was--" I held up my hand. "You're ranting." "What?" "Just wanted to let you know. You're ranting. It's kinda ugly. Next thing you know, you'll be laying out your plans for world domination. That's what all villains do after they rant about their motivation. I was hoping you'd be different." humor elena-michaels world-domination Kelley Armstrong
831e0f9 " Corey said. Hayley turned on Tori. Corey said. I asked Corey. "Bossy, isn't she?" Tori said. Corey said with a grin." humor tori hayley flirt cute Kelley Armstrong
d14cac7 No one, I fancy, would discredit a story that the Archbishop of Canterbury slipped on a banana skin merely because he found that a similar comic mishap had been reported of many people, and especially of elderly gentlemen of dignity. humor J.R.R. Tolkien
d6d853c It's not a nice thing to send a penis to a woman. It's disrespectful. woman humor dismemberment disrespectful genitalia janet-evanovich stephanie-plum penis nice Janet Evanovich
2dea6a3 Properly cared for, a Savile Row suit can be handed down the generations--like gout. humor savile-row tailoring Ben Schott
591a5d7 My foggy brain slid away and-- And I was still dressed in only my bra and panties. Well, at least it's a nice set of bra and panties. Yep, these were the thoughts going through my brain as I looked at a photo of a decapitated head on my bed. thoughts humor decapitated-head olivia underwear Kelley Armstrong
6f7da30 "She saw Derek and without so much as a hello, leaned to look behind him. She glared up at Derek. "Where'd you leave him?" "Passed out in an alley." Derek frowned in thought. I said as Tori sputtered. " humor where-is-simon tori derek Kelley Armstrong
8305d98 "I'm going to need to save you." "Excuse me? No one needs-" "I'm saving you, so shut up and be grateful." humor Kelley Armstrong
d876af7 "Diesel sucked air. "You keep fondling me like that, and I might have to marry you." "I'm not fondling you. I'm looking for the keys!" "Could you look a little more gently? You're scaring my boys." humorous humor Janet Evanovich
7e8b4b7 I asked. SImon said. Derek said. Simon glanced at me. Derek rolled his eyes. humor locked-up tools simon Kelley Armstrong
c5eaba2 Hi, you've reached Caitlin! I'm either on the other line or I'm purposely ignoring you. Or maybe Mrs. Mitchell confiscated my phone for texting in class again... Leave a message and if I deem you worthy, or at least hot, I'll call you back. Mwah! friendship humor nice-voicemail scorched voicemail mari-mancusi Mari Mancusi
4dd3a58 "Of course, we in the West like to pat ourselves on the back and say we're more tolerant, and we are--but tolerance is not the same thing as acceptance. It just means, "We think you're crazy and going to hell, but we won't kill you for it--we'll you. But you don't know who the Man in the Sky is, and we do." religion humor religious-tolerance tolerance Bill Maher
b6a004f Emerson has what I believe is called a selective memory. He can recall minute details of particular excavations but is likely to forget where he left his hat. men humor emerson Elizabeth Peters
71360fa Why was it, she sometimes wondered, that in dreams we can't do the simplest things? Like a crying puppy is standing on some broken glass and you want to pick it up and brush the shards off its pads but you can't because you're balancing a ball on your head. Or you're driving and there's this old guy on crutches and you go, to Mr. Feder, your Driver's Ed teacher, Should I swerve? And he's like, Uh, probably. But then you hear this big clunk and Feder makes a negative mark in his book. humor George Saunders
3ed41ea "Rachel got up and did this happy little shuffle, like she was some cheerful farmer chick who'd just stepped outside to find the hick she was in love with coming up the road with a calf under his arm or whatever. humor happiness dancing George Saunders
e97d7bd I agreed to keep the cards a secret and asked my grandmother if she believed in magic. She said she did not but that, surprisingly, magic worked even if you did not believe in it. magic trust humor Michael Chabon
a6ff3d6 And a beautiful garden, not far from a beautiful lake, and I said it sounded perfectly perfect. humor language-play nice-language Vladimir Nabokov
8d0e37c All of which does not alter the fact that Pnin was on the wrong train. irony humor Vladimir Nabokov
a0ca566 ...we haven't had any accidents for months now...Everything on that island is perfectly fine. fiction humor jurassic-park Michael Crichton
9207565 He is not a man wedded to action, Boleyn, but rather a man who stands by, smirking and stroking his beard; he thinks he looks enigmatic, but instead he looks as if he's pleasuring himself. humor Hilary Mantel
d35f8fe Captain Harcourt-Bruce was not only dashing, handsome, and brave, he was also rather romantic. The reappearance of magic in England thrilled him immensely. He was a great reader of the more exciting sort of history - and his head was full of ancient battles in which the English were outnumbered by the French and doomed to die, when all at once would be heard the sound of strange, unearthly music, and upon a hilltop would appear the Raven King in his tall, black helmet with it's mantling of raven-feathers streaming in the wind; he would gallop down the hillside on his tall, black horse with a hundred human knights and a hundred fairy knights at his back, and he would defeat the French by magic. That was Captain Harcourt-Bruce's idea of a magician. That was the sort of thing which he now expected to see reproduced on every battlefield on the Continent. So when he saw Mr Norrell in his drawing-room in Hanoversquare, and after he had sat and watched Mr Norrell peevishly complain to his footman, first that the cream in his tea was too creamy, and next that it was too watery - well, I shall not surprize you when I say he was somewhat disappointed. In fact he was so downcast by the whole undertaking that Admiral Paycocke, a bluff old gentleman, felt rather sorry for him and only had the heart to laugh at him and tease him very moderately about it. magic humor magician tea Susanna Clarke
dc26838 "He runs his eye along the row of knives in their racks, the cleavers for splitting bones. He picks one up, looks at its edge, decides it needs sharpening and says, "Do you think I look like a murderer? In your good opinion?" A silence. After a while, Thurston proffers, "At this moment, master, I would have to say..." murder humor murderers knives Hilary Mantel
3ccaf8c The other shoppers were too well behaved to stare at the green-headed stoner and the tear-streaked lady zigzagging up the aisles with a chubby bearded guy scurrying behind them picking up the things they dropped. irony humor humorous-quotes Amy Goldman Koss
b0fd7fe America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaking helpings of disaster that no man or plan can prevent. humor Bill Maher
f99a191 And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it's us against the world. humor real-time-with-bill-maher cute Bill Maher
8e804a9 "Kid, I've only known you two days and I've seen you plastered three times." He shook his head. "A bar would not be a good career move for you." humor Jennifer Crusie
99fc146 "Who was the moron on the phone?" "Carl Avery," Kate said. "A long-standing client and potential felon." humor crime Jennifer Crusie
39bbd29 New Rule: Stop calling bagpipes a musical instrument. They're actually a Scottish Breathalyzer test. You blow into one end, and if the sound that comes out the other end doesn't make you want to kill yourself--you're not drunk enough. music humor Bill Maher
b24a778 Low ceiling, stone walls, a dirt floor stamped with paw prints. I never go in without announcing myself. 'Hyaa!' I yell. 'Hyaa. Hyaa!' It's the sound my father makes when entering his toolshed, the cry of cowboys as they round up dogies, and it suggests a certain degree of authority. Snakes, bats, weasels --it's time to head up and move on out. humor scared David Sedaris
ebce98c "Kaitlin said, "I'm so sick of that 'Greatest Generation' crap. We finally drove a silver nail through the heart of Generation X, only to have this new monster rear its head. And I'm soooooo sick of Tom Hanks looking earnest all the time. They should make a Tom Hanks movie where Tom kills off Greatest Generation figureheads one by one." Bree arrived on cue: "And then he starts killing other generations. He becomes this supernova of hate--all he wants to do is destroy." "Hate clings to him like a rich, lathery shampoo. His lungs secrete it like anthrax foam." Mom lost it. "Stop it! All of you! Tom Hanks is a fine actor who would never hurt anybody. At least not onscreen." I thought, 'Hey, didn't Tom Hanks mow down half of Chicago in "Road to Perdition?"' Well, whatever." humor tom-hanks Douglas Coupland
203e6a6 "New Rule: Designers of women's Halloween costumes must admit that they're not even trying. They just choose a random profession, like nurse or referee, and put the word "sexy" in front of it, thereby perpetuating the idea of Halloween as a day when normally shy women release their inner sluts and parade around like vixens, and I just completely forgot what I was complaining about." humor Bill Maher
e310155 Everything had been going so well, he'd had it really under his thumb these few centuries. That's how it goes, you think you're on top of the world, and suddenly they spring Armageddon on you. humor crowley Neil Gaiman
3930d89 New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he's supposed to pee, there's a couch. humor pets Bill Maher
45e7f97 Even though we'd never met, imagining being dumped by Gene made me want to die. What was the point of going out with someone? What was the point of falling in love? The whole thing was enough to make me wish I'd been born in one of those countries where they still have arranged marriages. I mean, okay, yes, it would certainly suck not being allowed to drive or vote and having to ask a man's permission to leave the house. But at least you wouldn't have to worry about being dumped. romance humor Melissa Kantor
5d460ac "That drew a laugh from Jessamy, but he said, after a moment: "You had better flay me. It was my fault--all my fault!" "I was wondering how long it would be before you contrived to convince yourself that you were to blame," said Alverstoke caustically. "I haven't the slightest wish to know how you arrived at such an addlebrained conclusion, so don't put yourself to the trouble of telling me!" humor fault Georgette Heyer
2e289b2 Bouncer, recognizing a well-wisher, got up, and thrust his cold, wet nose under her hand, assuming as he did so the soulful expression of a dog who takes but a benevolent interest in cats, livestock, and stray visitors. humour humor dogs-in-regency-novels Georgette Heyer
6563cb5 There had been a time in high school, see, when I wrestled with the possibility that I might be gay, a torturous six-month culmination of years of unpopularity and girllessness. At night I lay in bed and cooly informed myself that I was gay and that I had better get used to it. The locker room became a place of torment, full of exposed male genitalia that seemed to taunt me with my failure to avoid glancing at them, for a fraction of a second that might have seemed accidental but was, I recognized, a bitter symptom of my perversion. Bursting with typical fourteen-year-old desire, I attempted to focus it in succession on the thought of every boy I knew, hoping to find some outlet for my horniness, even if it had to be perverted, secret, and doomed to disappointment. Without exception these attempts failed to produce anything but bemusement, if not actual disgust. This crisis of self-esteem had been abruptly dispelled by the advent of Julie Lefkowitz, followed swiftly by her sister Robin, and then Sharon Horne and little Rose Fagan and Jennifer Schaeffer; but I never forgot my period of profound sexual doubt. Once in a while I would meet an enthralling man who shook, dimly but perceptibley, the foundations laid by Julie Lefkowitz, and I would wonder, just for a moment, by what whim of fate I had decided that I was not a homosexual. humor Michael Chabon
3783ca4 I sleep on my face, and then it does not frighten anybody in the morning. humor ugly Ernest Hemingway
542bfd8 "I was reading. reading humor -Tamora Pierce Briar s Book via fictionalheroine
f520886 this isn't so much romance as it is opportunity [victor mancini] humor life love human-relationships Chuck Palahniuk
da9fa08 We live and we die and anything else is just delusion. it's just passive chick bullshit about feelings and sensitivity. Just made-up subjective emotional crap. There is no soul. There is no God. There's just decisions and disease and death. death humor life-and-death Chuck Palahniuk
925f225 When my mother passed away several years ago--well, wait a minute. Actually, she didn't 'pass away.' She died. Something about that verb, 'to pass away' always sounds to me as if someone just drifted through the wallpaper. No, my mother did not pass away. She definitely died. death humor euphemism Steve Allen
2002962 The law enforcement in this town is terrific. All through prohibition Eddie Mars' place was a night club and they had two uniformed men in the lobby every night-to see that the guests didn't bring their own liquor instead of buying it from the house. humor noir-fiction Raymond Chandler
22d71db Even Mongo liked him, although Mongo likes everybody. (Also Mongo was so thrilled with himsel for staying in the dog bed till I'd released him that was going to blow his mood.) humor Robin McKinley
b29de03 "Ebenezar blinked . Then he turned his face to me his expression clearly asking whether or not I was out of my damned mind . "Wile E. Coyote" I said to him soberly . "Suuuuuuper Genius" humor Jim Butcher
860d9d8 "Do you know what I think?" Marcone said. "You think we should shoot Nicodemus in the back at the first opportunity and let Michael dismember him." "Yes." I drew my gun. "Okay." humor pragmatism Jim Butcher
cde214a Crazy people who are judged to be harmless are allowed an enormous amount of freedom ordinary people are denied freedom identity humor Katherine Paterson
8cf3268 In the cramped confines of the toilet I had trouble getting out of my wet trousers, which clung to my legs like a drowning man. The new ones were quite complicated too in that they had more legs than a spider; either that or they didn't have enough legs to get mine into. The numbers failed to add up. Always there was one trouser leg too many or one of my legs was left over. From the outside it may have looked like a simple toilet, but once you were locked in here the most basic rules of arithmetic no longer held true. travel humour humor lmao drugs Geoff Dyer
dd1660d "A diamond may be forever, but terrorism, promiscuously funded, will be too. Let's make the connection clearly by tracing the path of the diamond. Diamonds start out in the earth, and eventually that earth is part of a country, like Sierra Leone, Angola, or the Democratic Republic of Congo. In those countries, desperate battles for control have been going on for decades, and the armies that fight the battles finance their ambitions with diamonds. Villagers are forced to mine the diamonds by ruthless rebels who maintain order through terror: by raping women and hacking off the limbs of the children, something, by the way, you never see in the De Beers ads. The rebels then smuggle the diamonds into neighboring dictatorships in exchange for guns and cash. There the diamonds are sold to the highest bidder--whether they be terrorists or "legitimate" dealers--and finally they're laundered in Europe, shipped to America, and end up in jewelry stores where they're purchased by men and given to women in exchange for oral sex. In the feminized world we live in, it's practically national policy that women are more evolved that men--but if that's so, how come they're still so impressed by shiny objects?" women humor war-on-terror Bill Maher
a57ea9a "Tell me something about her. People make fun of her?" "Some did," she said. "I never liked it, but..." "Crap." I looked at Molly and said, "Code Carrie. We're in trouble." humor vengeance Jim Butcher
8badf34 I think it's a rule that it's socially acceptable to wet yourself when aliens enter your mind for the first time. If it wasn't already, it is now. humor xenology Orson Scott Card
b37d8c6 "Murphy," I hissed. "Are you absolutely sure about this hair? That it belongs to Kravos?" If it didn't, the doll wouldn't do diddly to the sorcerer, unless I managed to throw it into his eye. "We're reasonably sure," she whispered, "yes." "Reasonably sure. Great." But I knelt down, and marked out the circle around me, then another around the Ken doll, and wrought my spell." humor Jim Butcher
e0204e9 Puddings, my dear sir?' cried Graham. Puddings. We trice 'em athwart the starboard gumbrils, when sailing by and large. humor maturin jargon nautical Patrick O'Brian
7cd5288 As many as thirty or as few as ten years later, lying exhausted and still, eyes open in the dark long after the three suns of Rakhat had set, no longer bleeding, past the vomiting, enough beyond the shock to think again, it would occur to Emilio Sandoz to wonder if perhaps that day int he Sudan was really only part of the setup for a punchline a life-time in the making. It was an odd thought, under the circumstances. He understood that, even at the time. But thinking it, he realized with appalling clarity that on his journey of discovery as a Jesuit, he had not merely been the first human being to set foot on Rhakhat, had not simply explored parts of its largest continent and learned two of its languages and loved some of its people. He had also discovered the outermost limit of faith and, in doing so had located the exact boundary of despair. It was at that moment that he learned, truly, to fear God. faith fear god humor joke Mary Doria Russell
691b05b "You don't have to say a thing except yes. You don't have to do anything, either, I'm quite willing to plan it all." "You?" "Yes me." "You'd plan all of it? Even the wedding?" "Why not?" "You don't even like to plan your own breakfast." He grinned. "You mean more to me tban bacon." "More than [i]bacon?[/i] I'm honored." "You should be, my foolish pea brain." romance humor hurst-amulet karen-hawkins historical-romance Karen Hawkins
e7a5619 "He smiled at me, turning into the old Sean Evans. The transformation was so sudden, I blinked to make sure I didn't imagine it. "Because you're a carebear." humor sean-evans ilona-andrews Ilona Andrews
833dd19 "Percy, you are dismissed from my service." "Me? Why, my lord?" "Why? Because, Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly, and the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a funny codpiece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. That's why you're dismissed." "Oh, I see." "And as for you, Baldrick..." "Yes." "You're out, too." insult humor historical satire Richard Curtis
7fd0a54 A new doctor had been sent for, Lazzaro of Pavia, who had administered to Lorenzo a pulverized mixture of diamonds and pearls. This hitherto infallible medicine had failed to help. humor medicine Irving Stone
7b5a232 "A demigod?" I repeated like I'd just learned to speak a few seconds ago. "A real, live demigod?" "Opposed to a fake, dead one?" He chuckled, proud of himself, and then sighed when my eyes narrowed on him. "You used to have a sense of humor, Seth." humor sarcasm Jennifer L. Armentrout
f9817c6 What were you supposed to do, talking to a hologram of a dead man, when a younger version of that man was still alive? Should you offer condolences? Jordan decided that really wasn't necessary. humor holograms Margaret Peterson Haddix
3baec90 "I keep thinking, well, this'll settle down. It's bound to level off and settle down. But it doesn't. Even when things are just going smooth and we're just....living, I can look at you, and I've got no breath left." "Every minute with you, I'm alive. I never knew before there were pieces of me unborn, just waiting for you. I'm alive with you, Eve" She sighted, touched his cheek. "We'd better get out of here. We're getting mush all over the pool." romance humor J.D. Robb
1d80198 We made it back to the airport without getting mugged, stoned, shot at, pounced on, bombed, shelled, garroted, gassed, pitched into, caught in a cross fire, sniped at, blockaded, napalmed, or trip-wired. No one even hit us with a water balloon. funny humor ishmael Daniel Quinn
e202d39 Teachers were not allowed to beat children as they did in the past, although, Mma Ramotswe reflected, there were some boys-and indeed some young men-who might have been greatly improved by moderate physical correction. The apprentices, for example: would it help if Mr. J.L.B. Matekoni resorted to physical chastisement-nothing severe, of course-but just an occasional kick in the seat of the pants while they were bending over to change a tyre or something like that? The thought made her smile. She would even offer to administer the kick herself, which she imagined might be oddly satisfying, as one of the apprentices, the one who still kept on about girls, had a largeish bottom which she thought would be quite comfortable to kick. How enjoyable it would be to creep up behind him and kick him when he was least expecting it, and then to say: Let that be a lesson! That was all one would have to say, but it would be a blow for women everywhere. bottom women humor blow kick Alexander McCall Smith
978d649 There's just one thing I want you to remember. You know those chemicals women have in them, when they've got PMS? Well, men have the very same chemicals in them all the time. humor Margaret Atwood
9b709a6 New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures of Britney Spears's vagina getting out of a car. Television has desensitizes us to violence, and porn has desensitized us to people getting shot in the eye. violence humor osama-bin-laden porn culture Bill Maher
7719876 He could not consent to allow himself to be insulted, still less to allow himself to be treated as a rag, and, above all, to allow a thoroughly vicious man to treat him so. No quarrelling, however, no quarrelling! Possibly if some one wanted, if some one, for instance, actually insisted on turning Mr. Golyadkin into a rag, he might have done so, might have done so without opposition or punishment (Mr. Golyadkin was himself conscious of this at times), and he would have been a rag and not Golyadkin - yes, a nasty, filthy rag; but that rag would not have been a simple rag, it would have been a rag possessed of dignity, it would have been a rag possessed of feelings and sentiments, even though dignity was defenceless and feelings could not assert themselves, and lay hidden deep down in the filthy folds of the rag, still the feelings there... humor the-double funny-and-random Fyodor Dostoyevsky
f0be8c3 Young men are all very well in their place, but it doesn't do to drag them into everything, does it? Diana and I are thinking seriously of promising each other that we will never marry but be nice old maids and live together forever humor L. M. Montgomery
a37459b Scratch your flesh raw between your toes, but you won't find the answer. humor toes Franz Kafka
cc8b5e7 "... zebra crossings were rather like Bosnia's "safe zones": places where, if you die, you may simply die with the knowledge that your killer was in the wrong." humor pedestrian Lucy Wadham
edf3446 "You took your clothes off?" "You didn't notice?" "No! Jeez Louise, I don't even know you." "If you look under the covers, you'll know me better." "I don't want to know you better!" "That's a big fib," Diesel said." humorous humor love wicked-appetite Janet Evanovich
fb9e02d "I don't know what you mean by 'glory,' " Alice said. Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't--till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!' " "But 'glory' doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument'," Alice objected. "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in rather a scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean--neither more nor less." humor humpty-dumpty Lewis Carroll
db3a6c5 "The twelve jurors were all writing very busily on the slates. "What are they doing?" Alice whispered to the Gryphon. "They can't have anything to put down yet, before the trial's begun." "They're putting down their names," the Gryphon whispered in reply, "for fear they should forget them before the end of the trial." humor philisophical Lewis Carroll
79a116b Somehow it seems to fill my head with ideas--only I don't exactly know what they are! writing humor jargon confusion Lewis Carroll
5030fa1 I dislike the idea of a murderer employing children,' said Holmes darkly. 'It is, I agree, bad for their morals, and interferes with their sleep.' 'And their schooling,' added Holmes sententiously. humor Laurie R. King
7fb8911 Of course, when you shut off your brain from rational analysis, book is dangerous. Taking literally ancient parables from thousands of years ago is much more dangerous than playing with a loaded gun. Ancient scrawls, written by different authors in different centuries with different agendas--yeah, let's get mad literal about . The literalness problem is compounded in religion by the circular logic of not being allowed to question anything, or else you're lacking faith. religion humor biblical-literalism literalism rationality logic Bill Maher
3588109 Will you dance for me? Let your breasts roam for a moment -- I need to see how they dance.' 'Okay.' She danced, and as she danced, she tried to think of the most delicious salads she could imagine -- with artichokes and sundried tomato and blue cheese dressing, and beets, lots of beets. sex humor beets salad vegetarianism erotica food Nicholson Baker
fb02438 New Rule: Stop putting psychedelic screensavers on computers. I sit down to check my e-mail, and the next thing I know it's three days later, I'm in the desert, I'm banging on a drum, I'm naked, and somebody's pierced my dick. humor technology Bill Maher
b1b2728 At the dealership, I pulled out the sieve and toyed with it threateningly. When the salesman was ready for me, I held it up, told him I was not a tourist and demanded a large discount. humor Tahir Shah
635991f FatherMichael: OK we should get on with this; I don't want to be late for my 2 o'clock. First I have to ask, is there anyone in here who thinks there is any reason why these two should not be married? LonelyLady: Yes. SureOne: I could give more than one reason. Buttercup: Hell yes. SoOverHim: DON'T DO IT! marriage humor Cecelia Ahern
a72928d "You'd be surprised." Charlie said. "You go to bed one night singing her a lullaby, and she wakes up listening to Limp Bizkit." "What the hell is Limp Bizkit?" humor Jodi Picoult
225fa38 Never get old. It's a ridiculously uncomfortable process Ath Creator should be made to find a cure for. humor Janny Wurts
a24ff8c Filial respect caused Grey to hesitate in passing ex post facto opinions on his mother's judgment, but after half an hour in the company of either Paul or Edgar, he could not escape a lurking suspicion that a just Providence, seeing the DeVanes so well endowed with physical beauty, had determined that there was no reason to spoil the work by adding intelligence to the mix. humor lord-john Diana Gabaldon
47f7397 "And I've thought of a way to help you with the concept of color. "Close your eyes and be still, now. I'm going to give you a memory of a rainbow." humor Lois Lowry
c5409f9 The brontosaurus had thirty-ton body and a two-ounce brain. The anatosaurus had two thousand teeth. Triceratops had a helmet of filled bone seven feet long. Tyrannosaurus rex had tiny arms and teeth like six-inch razors and it was elected President. It ate everything--dead meat, living meat, old bones-- politics humor John Updike
89feb88 I was amazed at how strong women were when they were angry. women humor Robin Hobb
135f202 "Claiming "the budget can't allow it" reminds me of when you walk into a restaurant at a civilized hour like ten o'clock and they say "the kitchen is closed." For years I would hear this, and think, "damn, just a little too late, oh well, thank you, I guess it's Denny's again." And then one day it hit me: kitchens don't . Just as at home, at a certain point in the night, I stop the kitchen--but at three in the morning, if I want to, I still have the ability to go downstairs and "re-open" the kitchen by turning on the stove and opening the refrigerator! Restaurants are not banks; at the stroke of ten an enormous airlock doesn't seal off the kitchen and render the preparation of food an utter ./ No, kitchens can open and budgets are what certain people say they are." humor budget budget-cuts budgeting analogy economy possible impossible Bill Maher
20dd246 Feeling extremely foolish, the acting representative of Homo sapiens watched his First Contact stride away across the Raman plain, totally indifferent to his presence. humor space science-fiction scifi Arthur C. Clarke
ae83d97 The Chairman glared across three hundred and eighty thousand kilometers of space at Conrad Taylor, who reluctantly subsided, like a volcano biding its time. science humor space science-fiction scifi Arthur C. Clarke
8a82584 "I wish I had a dollar for every hour I've spent in the library," he always says. I have to agree- we'd probably never have to worry about money again." reading humor truth Gary Paulsen
bb5a5fd Look, Neal, Hawaii is not some magical pixie wonderland; it's an American state populated by atomic weapons, a remnant native population and people too stupid to spell their way out of a paper bag. Most of them came here to escape pathetic lives in the forty nine other states, so in some sense, Hawaii is a scenic cul-de-sac filled with people who want to drink themselves to death without feeling judged. humor ugly-truths Douglas Coupland
3fa7634 "This guy was making me tired. "Thanks for the afternoon's entertainment," I said. "I'll flush a copy of my bill down the toilet. You should be getting it in a couple of days." insult humour humor John Swartzwelder
8597eec [The materialist] thinks me a slave because I am not allowed to believe in determinism. I think [the materialist] a slave because he is not allowed to believe in fairies. humor fairies materialism G.K. Chesterton
78a1213 Tonight was a perfect illustration of why Cinderella and the Prince get married twenty-four hours after they meet. Because when you're living with your stepmother, there is no happily ever after. humor happily-ever-after Melissa Kantor
b60aefe Sandwiches,' she said, 'like diamonds, are forever. humor Muriel Spark
ccf5f8f BROADBENT [stiffly]. Devil is rather a strong expression in that connexion, Mr Keegan. KEEGAN. Not from a man who knows that this world is hell. But since the word offends you, let me soften it, and compare you simply to an ass. [Larry whitens with anger]. BROADBENT [reddening]. An ass! KEEGAN [gently]. You may take it without offence from a madman who calls the ass his brother--and a very honest, useful and faithful brother too. The ass, sir, is the most efficient of beasts, matter-of-fact, hardy, friendly when you treat him as a fellow-creature, stubborn when you abuse him, ridiculous only in love, which sets him braying, and in politics, which move him to roll about in the public road and raise a dust about nothing. Can you deny these qualities and habits in yourself, sir? BROADBENT [goodhumoredly]. Well, yes, I'm afraid I do, you know. KEEGAN. Then perhaps you will confess to the ass's one fault. BROADBENT. Perhaps so: what is it? KEEGAN. That he wastes all his virtues--his efficiency, as you call it--in doing the will of his greedy masters instead of doing the will of Heaven that is in himself. He is efficient in the service of Mammon, mighty in mischief, skilful in ruin, heroic in destruction. But he comes to browse here without knowing that the soil his hoof touches is holy ground. Ireland, sir, for good or evil, is like no other place under heaven; and no man can touch its sod or breathe its air without becoming better or worse. It produces two kinds of men in strange perfection: saints and traitors. It is called the island of the saints; but indeed in these later years it might be more fitly called the island of the traitors; for our harvest of these is the fine flower of the world's crop of infamy. But the day may come when these islands shall live by the quality of their men rather than by the abundance of their minerals; and then we shall see. LARRY. Mr Keegan: if you are going to be sentimental about Ireland, I shall bid you good evening. We have had enough of that, and more than enough of cleverly proving that everybody who is not an Irishman is an ass. It is neither good sense nor good manners. It will not stop the syndicate; and it will not interest young Ireland so much as my friend's gospel of efficiency. BROADBENT. Ah, yes, yes: efficiency is the thing. I don't in the least mind your chaff, Mr Keegan; but Larry's right on the main point. The world belongs to the efficient. religion humor inspirational George Bernard Shaw
b2a854e "Can I cuddle up with you when you sleep?" Sma stopped, detached the creature from her shoulder with one hand and stared it in the face. "What?" "Just for chumminess' sake," the little thing said, yawning wide and blinking. "I'm not being rude; it's a good bonding procedure." Sma was aware of Skaffen-Amtiskaw glowing red just behind her. She brought the yellow and brown device closer to her face. "Listen, Xenophobe--" "Xeny." "Xeny. You are a million-ton starship. A Torturer class Rapid Offensive Unit. Even--" "But I'm demilitarized!" "Even without your principle armament, I bet you could waste planets if you wanted to--" "Aw, come on; any silly GCU can do that!" "So what's all this shit for?" She shook the furry little remote drone, quite hard. Its teeth chattered. "It's for a laugh!" it cried. "Sma, don't you appreciate a joke?" "I don't know. Do you appreciate being drop-kicked back to the accommodation area?" "Ooh! What's your problem, lady? Have you got something against small furry animals, or what?" Look Ms. Sma, I know very well I'm a ship, and I do everything I'm asked to do--including taking you to this frankly rather fuzzily specified destination--and do it very efficiently, too. If there was the slightest sniff of any real action, and I had to start acting like a warship, this construct in your hands would go lifeless and limp immediately, and I'd battle as ferociously and decisively as I've been trained to. Meanwhile, like my human colleagues, I amuse myself harmlessly. If you really hate my current appearance, all right; I'll change it; I'll be an ordinary drone, or just a disembodied voice, or talk to you through Skaffen-Amtiskaw here, or through your personal terminal. The last thing I want is to offend a guest." Sma pursed her lips. She patted the thing on its head and sighed. "Fair enough." "I can keep this shape?" "By all means." "Oh goody!" It squirmed with pleasure, then opened its big eyes wide and looked hopefully at her. "Cuddle?" "Cuddle." Sma cuddled it, patted its back. She turned to see Skaffen-Amtiskaw lying dramatically on its back in midair, its aura field flashing the lurid orange that was used to signal Sick Drone in Extreme Distress." humor kawaii Iain M. Banks
2b9fe73 Here they go cruising for a fortnight up in parts where everyone is dead of radiation, and all that they can catch is measles! illness humor measles radioactivity submarines disease Nevil Shute
76163d8 The woman spoke with a heavy western North Carolina accent, which I used to discredit her authority. Here was a person for whom the word 'pen' had two syllables. He people undoubtedly drank from clay jugs and hollered for Paw when the vittles were ready-- so who was she to advise me on anything? humor speech-therapy david-sedaris satire speech David Sedaris
e225f33 "Though we were forbidden to speak anything but French, the teacher would occasionally use us to practice any of her five fluent languages. "I hate you," she said to me one afternoon. Her English was flawless. "I really, really hate you." Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help taking it personally." humor languages french David Sedaris
a53b3be "It was one of those situations I often find myself in while traveling. Something's said by a stranger I've been randomly thrown into contact with, and I want to say, "Listen. I'm with you on most of this, but before we continue, I need to know who you voted for in the last election." travel politics humor non-fiction short-stories David Sedaris
96cda17 "Nothing more likely,"said Hannasyde. "I've got to try and rattle him." "It's him that'll do the rattling,"said the Sergeant darkly. "he's the nearest thing to a snake I've seen outside of the Zoo." -- humour humor Georgette Heyer
cc4fa6f She kept her ears permanently tuned to the chicken voices outside, so knew immediately when a coyote had crept into the yard, and barreled screaming for the front door before the rest of us had a clue. (I don't know about the coyote, but I nearly needed CPR.) These hens owed their lives and eggs to Lily, there was no question. humor coyote cpr Barbara Kingsolver
f77f061 "People realize that a life that had seemed enjoyable (travel, social life, romance) and fulfilling (work) was actually empty and meaningless. So they urge you to join the child-rearing party: they want you to share the riches, the pleasures, the joys. Or so they claim. I suspect that hey just want to share and spread the misery. (The knowledge that someone is at liberty or has escaped makes the pain of incarceration doubly hard to bear). Of all the arguments for having children, the suggestion that it gives life 'meaning' is the one to which I am most hostile--apart from all the others" (201)." life-lessons humor Geoff Dyer
e8aa1e8 A stab had clearly once been made at de-uglifying these public spaces by painting a corridor a jaunty yellow. This was because, it turned out, babies come here to have their brains tested and someone thought the yellow might calm them. But I couldn't see how. Such was the oppressive ugliness of this building it would have been like sticking a red nose on a cadaver and calling it Ronald McDonald. humor cadaver ronald-mcdonald buildings oppressive ugliness oppression Jon Ronson
962667e Byron clapped Walter on the back. 'Good work,' he said. Walter shook his head. 'You're the one who clocked her with the Stephen King hardcover. That took some of the wind out of her.' 'Thank heavens he's a wordy man,' said Byron. funny humor Michael Thomas Ford
eb98edc "Costis, I am speechless!" "Not noticeably, Your Majesty." humor Megan Whalen Turner
9d22cc4 The corridor couldn't have smelled more strongly of fish guts if we had actually been inside a fish. humor Arthur Golden
82db6e2 At any rate I'd better be getting out of the wood, for really its coming on very dark. Do you think it's going to rain?' Tweedledum spread a large umbrella over himself and his brother, and looked up into it. 'No, I don't think it is,' he said: 'at least - not under here. Nohow.' 'But it may rain outside?' 'It may - if it chooses,' said Tweedledee: 'we've got no objection. Contrariwise. rain humor Lewis Carroll
89813a4 If I get killed, put my boots back on me. harmon john-sandford michele-cook the-singular-menace funny death humor killed outrage mgg twist John Sandford
20b15c1 I was just, uh...looking at your bush. humor Cassie Mae
f3629a7 "Um, thanks," Jackson told her. "And your name is...?" "I'm Margaret, Margaret Van Der Graaf," she answered with another eerie smile. Her teeth were so white that they looked bleached. "Van Der Graaf?" Jackson repeated, trying to stifle his laughter. He didn't want to be rude to the only person in sight, to this kind-hearted stranger who was offering to help him, but... Van Der Graaf? "What are you laughing at?" Margaret asked with curiosity, flashing him a calculating gaze. "I like my name. If you're going to be a jerk, then I won't help you. You can stay out here on the street through the night for all I care." "...Harsh," said Jackson, giving her a quizzical glance back. There was something 'off' about her, something that Jackson couldn't quite place, something that bordered on horrible loneliness and longing. "Who else lives here, Margaret Van Der Graaf?" He couldn't resist saying her name aloud. Despite its hilarity, it had a nice ring to it. "Who else lives here?" he urged. "Me, myself and I," said Margaret simply, snickering when she saw his horrified and annoyed expression" funny friendship humor comedy lonliness weird stranger smile ghost longing name Rebecca McNutt
b570a92 Whew,' he said, 'I'm glad that's over, Thomas. I've been feeling awfully bad about it.' It was only too evident that he no longer did. humour humor Graham Greene
b57f239 A chuckle escaped Meredith's lips as Cassie swung from sleepy little girl to sympathetic confidante to vengeful angel all in the course of a single minute. humor sisters Karen Witemeyer
538c457 We're like the couple on the sitcom that has good sparks but never get together for the sake of ratings. funny humor love Aimee Bender
a0952d9 Water!' cried Marie. 'Vinegar!' recommended the bell-boy. 'Eu-de-Cologne!' said Bill. 'Pepper!' said Lord Tidmouth. Mary had another suggestion. 'Give her air!' So had the bell-boy. 'Slap her hands!' Lord Tidmouth went further. 'Sit on her head!' he advised. humor remedy cure doctor treatment help P.G. Wodehouse
46d95cc He was always inclined to read a fictitious sombreness into things when the shadows began to creep over the world and it was still too early for a cocktail. humor P.G. Wodehouse
9bc2e2b Jag har inget emot att do, bara inte i morgon, jag har en del jag skall gora forst. inspiration humor inspirational Astrid Lindgren
219c754 "He gives her his Art History lecture. humor art-history visitors Donald Barthelme
0d8b0d8 "Yes, the saint was underrated quite a bit, then, mostly by people who didn't like things that were ineffable... ...a lot of people don't like things that are unearthly, the things of this earth are good enough for them, and they don't mind telling you so. "If he'd just go out and get a job, like everybody else, then he could be saintly all day long..." --from "The Temptations of St. Anthony," by Donald Barthelme" humor sainthood short-story Donald Barthelme
bde9bde Who wanted to make lemonade from lemons, when you could make perfectly good lemonade grenades? fiction humor Melissa de la Cruz
38dfe1d In fact, I can't think of much I'd like better than for him to step into the room right now, glasses fogged and smelling of damp wool, shaking the rain from his hair like an old dog and saying: 'Dickie, my boy, what you got for a thirsty old man to drink tonight? humor life donna-tartt the-secret-history ocd horror Donna Tartt
a5604d6 After that came her biggie: a triple murder--her dealer, the dealer's sister, and the dealer's sister's boyfriend. Reading that made me feel a little funny that we'd fucked and I'd loved her. humor regret George Saunders
e47ea50 Butt he isn't my lover, or my fiance, or my boyfriend or anything, and I refuse to be killed with him. humor idiot-prince priorities princess Patricia C. Wrede
639506e I had aimed at Mars and was about to hit Venus; unquestionably the all-time cosmic record for poor shots. funny humor space-travel science-fiction Edgar Rice Burroughs
1cfef69 For a time Emerson politely endeavored to conceal his boredom - like most men, he is profoundly disinterested in all children except his own - ... men humor Elizabeth Peters
49eeaa4 "I have never been able to understand how men can feel affection for individuals who are intent on massacring them in a variety of unpleasant ways, but it is an undeniable fact that they can and do. Witness the immortal verse of Mr. Kipling: "So 'ere's to you, Fuzzy-Wuzzy, at your 'home in the Soudan; You're a pore benighted 'eathen but a first-class fightin' man!" One can only accept this as another example of the peculiar emotional aberrations of the male sex." men humor aggressiveness inexplicable-ways warlike machismo power Elizabeth Peters
44bd74b Why is a man with a knife after your blood? Who sent him? I would like to write the fellow a letter of thanks! humor sarcasm Elizabeth Peters
cf180f5 Lucas - You'll have to excuse Paige's overenthusiastic attempt to befriend the local wildlife. Not many of their type where she comes from. Paige -Hey, we have gangs in Boston. Lucas - Ah, yes. I believe they're particularly bad down by the wharf, where they're liable to descend upon the unwary, surround him with their yachts, and shout well-chosen and elegantly elocuted epithets. humor Kelley Armstrong
f52ef74 Solo cuando la mayoria de los habitantes de este planeta esten convencidos de que se estan muriendo, cada minuto que pasa, empezaremos a comportarnos como seres conscientes, racionales y compasivos. Porque, aunque el atractivo de <> sea grande, el terror de caer, imparablemente, en la nada absoluta es mucho mas efectivo. feminism feminist humor feminismo-radical feminista feminismo Caitlin Moran
5360afd Be honest with yourself; set the alarm for the time the Real You will get up, not the Ambitious You, because the Ambitious You doesn't really exist. sleep funny humor life mornings Laurie Notaro
b0450e5 "From the slope of Haleakala, the Old Broad watched the activity in the channel with a two-hundred-power celestial telescope and a pair of "big eyes" binoculars that looked like stereo bazookas on precision mounts that were anchored into a ton of concrete." humor whales Christopher Moore
4f36604 "You're right [Joshua], I have taught you nothing. I could teach you nothing. Everything that you needed to know was already there. You simply needed the word for it. Some need Kali and Shiva to destroy the world so they may see past the illusion to divinity in them, others need Krishna to drive them to the place where they may perceive what is eternal in them. Others may perceive the Divine Spark in themselves only by realizing through enlightenment that the spark resides in all things, and in that they find kinship. But because the Divine Spark resides in all, does not mean that all will discover it. Your dharma is not to learn, Joshua, but to teach." "How will I teach my people about the Divine Spark?" ... "You must only find the right word. The Divine Spark is infinite, the path to find it is not. The beginning of the path is the word." religion humor divine-spark hinduism Christopher Moore
5a5c0a1 And that continued for quite a while until the adventurer admitted that it IS an accepted fact among monsters and giants of all stripes that Englishmen are delicious. humor Christopher Moore
3d9e029 When he turned his head quickly his hair seemed to shake out light, and some persons thought they saw decided genius in this coruscation. Mr. Casaubon, on the contrary, stood rayless. humor pity George Eliot
214e1fa Robert explained how much simpler it was to pay money for things than to exchange them as the people were doing in the market. Later on the soldier gave the coins to his captain, who, later still, showed them to Pharaoh, who of course kept them and was much struck with the idea. That was really how coins first came to be used in Egypt. You will not believe this, I daresay, but really, if you believe the rest of the story, I don't see why you shouldn't believe this as well. fantasy humor egypt E. Nesbit
2792f18 ...killing Dirk, killing anybody, was not going to change anything apart from Francisco's f***ing ego, which was already large enough to house the world's poor twice over, with a few million bourgeoisie in the spare-room. humor Hugh Laurie
cec320c "Amphora," he murmured against the wide, sweet curve of her lips. His hands slid over the wide, sweet curve of her hips, cupping smoothness cool and solid, timeless and graceful as the swell of ancient pottery, promising abundance. "Like a Grecian vase. God, you've got the most beautiful arse!" "Jug-butt, huh?" humor love arse butt drums-of-autumn grecian jug diana-gabaldon hips outlander ass lips Diana Gabaldon
21dff3b Skin color doesn't make you different,' Melody said. 'We're all the same on the inside.' 'The only people who ever say that,' Raymon replied, 'are white. humor race Jodi Picoult
189cb5f If I tell you another seven hundred times, maybe one of these days you might turn your clothes right side out when you put them in the hamper, eh? humor laundry Jodi Picoult
3b49606 The Red Lion was a four-ale bar with a handful of lowbrowed sons of toil who looked as though they might be related to one another in ways frowned on by the Old Testament. rude-mechanicals humor Sebastian Faulks
2ea6c7e A wolf is clever-clever-clever, and they are as faithful as a debt unpaid. humor wolf Tad Williams
4f911d3 I decided, on the spot, to let God into my heart, in the hope that my newfound faith can somehow be used as a vicious weapon in the marital war. marriage religion humor Nick Hornby
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