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143cbe7 "New Rule: Let the Pope be Pope. An animal-rights group in Italy has asked Pope Benedict to give up his fur-trimmed cape and hat. To which the Pope replied, "Don't be hatin' on my cape, bitch." Sorry, but Popes are the original divas, they invented bling, they've been wearing outlandish outfits for a thousand years--almost as long as Elton John. The clothes, the jewels, the fancy palace...Those aren't just symbols of the Papacy, they are the Papacy. The day the Pope shows up on the balcony in a pair of jeans and polo shirt is the day a billion Catholics go, "What the hell were we thinking?" humor religion Bill Maher
542bfd8 "I was reading. humor reading -Tamora Pierce Briar s Book via fictionalheroine
8e804a9 "Kid, I've only known you two days and I've seen you plastered three times." He shook his head. "A bar would not be a good career move for you." humor Jennifer Crusie
99fc146 "Who was the moron on the phone?" "Carl Avery," Kate said. "A long-standing client and potential felon." crime humor Jennifer Crusie
b24a778 Low ceiling, stone walls, a dirt floor stamped with paw prints. I never go in without announcing myself. 'Hyaa!' I yell. 'Hyaa. Hyaa!' It's the sound my father makes when entering his toolshed, the cry of cowboys as they round up dogies, and it suggests a certain degree of authority. Snakes, bats, weasels --it's time to head up and move on out. humor scared David Sedaris
e202d39 Teachers were not allowed to beat children as they did in the past, although, Mma Ramotswe reflected, there were some boys-and indeed some young men-who might have been greatly improved by moderate physical correction. The apprentices, for example: would it help if Mr. J.L.B. Matekoni resorted to physical chastisement-nothing severe, of course-but just an occasional kick in the seat of the pants while they were bending over to change a tyre or something like that? The thought made her smile. She would even offer to administer the kick herself, which she imagined might be oddly satisfying, as one of the apprentices, the one who still kept on about girls, had a largeish bottom which she thought would be quite comfortable to kick. How enjoyable it would be to creep up behind him and kick him when he was least expecting it, and then to say: Let that be a lesson! That was all one would have to say, but it would be a blow for women everywhere. blow bottom humor kick women Alexander McCall Smith
e97d7bd I agreed to keep the cards a secret and asked my grandmother if she believed in magic. She said she did not but that, surprisingly, magic worked even if you did not believe in it. humor magic trust Michael Chabon
6563cb5 There had been a time in high school, see, when I wrestled with the possibility that I might be gay, a torturous six-month culmination of years of unpopularity and girllessness. At night I lay in bed and cooly informed myself that I was gay and that I had better get used to it. The locker room became a place of torment, full of exposed male genitalia that seemed to taunt me with my failure to avoid glancing at them, for a fraction of a second that might have seemed accidental but was, I recognized, a bitter symptom of my perversion. Bursting with typical fourteen-year-old desire, I attempted to focus it in succession on the thought of every boy I knew, hoping to find some outlet for my horniness, even if it had to be perverted, secret, and doomed to disappointment. Without exception these attempts failed to produce anything but bemusement, if not actual disgust. This crisis of self-esteem had been abruptly dispelled by the advent of Julie Lefkowitz, followed swiftly by her sister Robin, and then Sharon Horne and little Rose Fagan and Jennifer Schaeffer; but I never forgot my period of profound sexual doubt. Once in a while I would meet an enthralling man who shook, dimly but perceptibley, the foundations laid by Julie Lefkowitz, and I would wonder, just for a moment, by what whim of fate I had decided that I was not a homosexual. humor Michael Chabon
f520886 this isn't so much romance as it is opportunity [victor mancini] human-relationships humor life love Chuck Palahniuk
da9fa08 We live and we die and anything else is just delusion. it's just passive chick bullshit about feelings and sensitivity. Just made-up subjective emotional crap. There is no soul. There is no God. There's just decisions and disease and death. death humor life-and-death Chuck Palahniuk
925f225 When my mother passed away several years ago--well, wait a minute. Actually, she didn't 'pass away.' She died. Something about that verb, 'to pass away' always sounds to me as if someone just drifted through the wallpaper. No, my mother did not pass away. She definitely died. death euphemism humor Steve Allen
3783ca4 I sleep on my face, and then it does not frighten anybody in the morning. humor ugly Ernest Hemingway
3ccaf8c The other shoppers were too well behaved to stare at the green-headed stoner and the tear-streaked lady zigzagging up the aisles with a chubby bearded guy scurrying behind them picking up the things they dropped. humor humorous-quotes irony Amy Goldman Koss
d876af7 "Diesel sucked air. "You keep fondling me like that, and I might have to marry you." "I'm not fondling you. I'm looking for the keys!" "Could you look a little more gently? You're scaring my boys." humor humorous Janet Evanovich
d6d853c It's not a nice thing to send a penis to a woman. It's disrespectful. dismemberment disrespectful genitalia humor janet-evanovich nice penis stephanie-plum woman Janet Evanovich
8ed5d42 ... even though two decades and several years had gone by since [she] first decided to be a fairy, even though Lizabeth Kane now stood five feet six inches tall in her stocking feet, even though she was thirty two years old - she still had aspirations of growing up to be a fairy. humor Janet Evanovich
edf3446 "You took your clothes off?" "You didn't notice?" "No! Jeez Louise, I don't even know you." "If you look under the covers, you'll know me better." "I don't want to know you better!" "That's a big fib," Diesel said." humor humorous love wicked-appetite Janet Evanovich
cde214a Crazy people who are judged to be harmless are allowed an enormous amount of freedom ordinary people are denied freedom humor identity Katherine Paterson
ebce98c "Kaitlin said, "I'm so sick of that 'Greatest Generation' crap. We finally drove a silver nail through the heart of Generation X, only to have this new monster rear its head. And I'm soooooo sick of Tom Hanks looking earnest all the time. They should make a Tom Hanks movie where Tom kills off Greatest Generation figureheads one by one." Bree arrived on cue: "And then he starts killing other generations. He becomes this supernova of hate--all he wants to do is destroy." "Hate clings to him like a rich, lathery shampoo. His lungs secrete it like anthrax foam." Mom lost it. "Stop it! All of you! Tom Hanks is a fine actor who would never hurt anybody. At least not onscreen." I thought, 'Hey, didn't Tom Hanks mow down half of Chicago in "Road to Perdition?"' Well, whatever." humor tom-hanks Douglas Coupland
cec19e5 The Lord is not serious. In fact, it is a little hard to know just what else He is except loving. And love has to do with humor, doesn't it? For you cannot love someone unless you can put up with him, can you? humor love Ray Bradbury
e310155 Everything had been going so well, he'd had it really under his thumb these few centuries. That's how it goes, you think you're on top of the world, and suddenly they spring Armageddon on you. crowley humor Neil Gaiman
b103865 My Precioussss! -Gollum humor j-r-r-tolkien movie precious the-hobbit J.R.R. Tolkien
d14cac7 No one, I fancy, would discredit a story that the Archbishop of Canterbury slipped on a banana skin merely because he found that a similar comic mishap had been reported of many people, and especially of elderly gentlemen of dignity. humor J.R.R. Tolkien
f96ea15 This 'web of discourses' as Robyn called it...is as much a biological product as any of the other constructions to be found in the animal world. (Clothes too, are part of the extended phenotype of Homo Sapiens almost every niche inhabited by that species.An illustrated encyclopedia of zoology should no more picture Homo Sapiens naked than it should picture Ursus arctus-the black bear- wearing a clown suit and riding a bicycle. dennett humor philosophy philosophy-of-mind science Daniel C. Dennett
2002962 The law enforcement in this town is terrific. All through prohibition Eddie Mars' place was a night club and they had two uniformed men in the lobby every night-to see that the guests didn't bring their own liquor instead of buying it from the house. humor noir-fiction Raymond Chandler
27f8383 "The snores alone were quite a study, varying from the mild sniff to the stentorian snort, which startled the echoes and hoisted the performer erect to accuse his neighbor of the deed, magnanimously forgive him, and wrapping the drapery of his couch about him, lie down to vocal slumber. After listening for a week to this band of wind instruments, I indulged in the belief that I could recognize each by the snore alone, and was tempted to join the chorus by breaking out with John Brown's favorite hymn: "Blow ye the trumpet, blow!" -- humor Louisa May Alcott
2a24cf4 We took up a collection and sent a telegram to the authorities of that town. The text of the message was that eighty-five healthy, hungry hoboes would arrive about noon and that it would be a good idea to have dinner ready for them. humor Jack London
45e7f97 Even though we'd never met, imagining being dumped by Gene made me want to die. What was the point of going out with someone? What was the point of falling in love? The whole thing was enough to make me wish I'd been born in one of those countries where they still have arranged marriages. I mean, okay, yes, it would certainly suck not being allowed to drive or vote and having to ask a man's permission to leave the house. But at least you wouldn't have to worry about being dumped. humor romance Melissa Kantor
c2c8508 If it was appropriate to judge a person based on her footwear - and it obviously was - I decided I liked her immediately. humor merit shoes vampires chloe neill
7cd5288 As many as thirty or as few as ten years later, lying exhausted and still, eyes open in the dark long after the three suns of Rakhat had set, no longer bleeding, past the vomiting, enough beyond the shock to think again, it would occur to Emilio Sandoz to wonder if perhaps that day int he Sudan was really only part of the setup for a punchline a life-time in the making. It was an odd thought, under the circumstances. He understood that, even at the time. But thinking it, he realized with appalling clarity that on his journey of discovery as a Jesuit, he had not merely been the first human being to set foot on Rhakhat, had not simply explored parts of its largest continent and learned two of its languages and loved some of its people. He had also discovered the outermost limit of faith and, in doing so had located the exact boundary of despair. It was at that moment that he learned, truly, to fear God. faith fear god humor joke Mary Doria Russell
c5eaba2 Hi, you've reached Caitlin! I'm either on the other line or I'm purposely ignoring you. Or maybe Mrs. Mitchell confiscated my phone for texting in class again... Leave a message and if I deem you worthy, or at least hot, I'll call you back. Mwah! friendship humor mari-mancusi nice-voicemail scorched voicemail Mari Mancusi
d63007d You have a nice day, you hear? deadlocked dermot humor Charlaine Harris
0d53659 Please note, I am not suggesting that illicit drugs are required to break down social barriers. humor Thomas C. Foster
5fdb4ae Oh, Marx,' Amanda sighed. 'You're so melodramatic. So what if it's this way or that way? When I was in convent school I used to stare out the windows at the clouds. I used to chase butterflies in the Mother Superior's flower patch. Those clouds and those butterflies, they didn't know secular from religious--and they didn't care.' 'I'm neither a cloud nor a butterlfy,' I snapped. 'We're all the same as clouds and butterflies. We just pretend to be something different. butterflies clouds humor tom-robbins Tom Robbins
fb9e02d "I don't know what you mean by 'glory,' " Alice said. Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't--till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!' " "But 'glory' doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument'," Alice objected. "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in rather a scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean--neither more nor less." humor humpty-dumpty Lewis Carroll
db3a6c5 "The twelve jurors were all writing very busily on the slates. "What are they doing?" Alice whispered to the Gryphon. "They can't have anything to put down yet, before the trial's begun." "They're putting down their names," the Gryphon whispered in reply, "for fear they should forget them before the end of the trial." humor philisophical Lewis Carroll
79a116b Somehow it seems to fill my head with ideas--only I don't exactly know what they are! confusion humor jargon writing Lewis Carroll
47f7397 "And I've thought of a way to help you with the concept of color. "Close your eyes and be still, now. I'm going to give you a memory of a rainbow." humor Lois Lowry
c5409f9 The brontosaurus had thirty-ton body and a two-ounce brain. The anatosaurus had two thousand teeth. Triceratops had a helmet of filled bone seven feet long. Tyrannosaurus rex had tiny arms and teeth like six-inch razors and it was elected President. It ate everything--dead meat, living meat, old bones-- humor politics John Updike
7fd0a54 A new doctor had been sent for, Lazzaro of Pavia, who had administered to Lorenzo a pulverized mixture of diamonds and pearls. This hitherto infallible medicine had failed to help. humor medicine Irving Stone
d0f338e "They think I'm not entirely 'grounded in reality', they say. They want me to go to some live-in nerdy activity ranch thing for troubled Canadian youth, that one out in Ontario where you come back programmed like some robot, dressed in a tye-dyed shirt and eating tuna sandwiches," Mandy explained, a horrified look on her face. "You're eighteen, not twelve! Would they really send you to some rat's nest like that?" Wendy questioned in mock horror. "Aw hell no, if you get sent there, they'll make you hold hands and sing songs about caring! And they'll force you to recycle everything in blue canisters, and to discuss your emotions in front of groups of bratty little dopes!" "Dear god, they'll have geeky youth wiener roasts at night, and no locks on the doors!" Mandy added, eyes wide. "...It'll be the day pigs fly, my parents have the camp brochure on the fridge but they'll never go through with sending me there. They always forget." canada center coming-of-age family friendship humor locks nostalgia nova-scotia ontario pressure preteen rebel reprogramming self-help sleepaway straight-camp summer-camp teen troubled tuna-sandwich wiener-roast Rebecca McNutt
2dea6a3 Properly cared for, a Savile Row suit can be handed down the generations--like gout. humor savile-row tailoring Ben Schott
12c4454 "The King's Hand should have a hand," the Hand said "I will not have men speaking of the King's Stump" humor jape king kingdom George R.R. Martin
7b3d3c7 "I will leave the making of law to you, brother," Prince Baelon declared, "I would sooner make sons." crown-prince fire-and-blood humor jape making-law making-love targaryens George R.R. Martin
b27a3ff "I do not expect Henrique Mauricio to conform to my standards of behavior," Alaric said. "I expect him not to do things that make me want to pound his face into a bloody pulp. Sadly, every time I meet him he fails to live up to this expectation." humor Meg Cabot
bdce8ad "This resentment you feel toward Father Henrique is another example," Holtzman said. "What did the man ever do to you? Nothing. So he botched that exorcism. It was his first one. He was young. Do you know what I did at my first exorcism?" "Ran," Alaric said at the same time as his boss. "Thats exactly right," Holtzman went on. "Its extremely frightening to look into the face of evil for the first time." "Not," Alaric said, "as frightening as looking into the face of a man who has willing taken a vow of chastity." humor Meg Cabot
a0510ba "Once we were outside, I was so excited I could hardly stand it. "Grandmere!" I yelled. "What'd you say to them? What'd you say to convince them to let me go?" But Grandmere just laughed in this scary way and said, "I have my ways." Boy, did I ever not hate her then." clarisse-renaldi humor mia-thermopolis Meg Cabot
6b58fd2 "His gaze settled on her mouth. "Have you been kissed before, inspector?" "Why?" If he wanted virgin lips, she'd claim to have serviced an army. "If it's your first, I'll do it differently." "You won't do it at all." "Yes, I will." humor kissing Meljean Brook
37ea140 "There was a certain amount of initial argumentation about the "meaning" of the balloon; this subsided, because we have learned not to insist on meanings, and they are rarely even looked for now, except in cases involving the simplest, safest phenomena." humor satire short-story transgressive-fiction Donald Barthelme
218b583 Constipation ran Presley's life. Even his famous motto TCB-- 'Taking Care of Business'-- sounds like a reference to bathroom matters. humor science song Mary Roach
a8732cd At the departure gate, a drunken airport security woman was handing out box cutters to the passengers. drunkenness humor security Warren Ellis
b2a48d0 Have any sheep been seen walking out of the Library with seagoing adventurers clinging to their wool? humor witty Lindsey Davis
dc26838 "He runs his eye along the row of knives in their racks, the cleavers for splitting bones. He picks one up, looks at its edge, decides it needs sharpening and says, "Do you think I look like a murderer? In your good opinion?" A silence. After a while, Thurston proffers, "At this moment, master, I would have to say..." humor knives murder murderers Hilary Mantel
9207565 He is not a man wedded to action, Boleyn, but rather a man who stands by, smirking and stroking his beard; he thinks he looks enigmatic, but instead he looks as if he's pleasuring himself. humor Hilary Mantel
1393e84 Volvos are fundamentally invisible. funny humor invisible john-sandford mgg michele-cook outrage the-singular-menace volvos John Sandford
8d0e37c All of which does not alter the fact that Pnin was on the wrong train. humor irony Vladimir Nabokov
a6ff3d6 And a beautiful garden, not far from a beautiful lake, and I said it sounded perfectly perfect. humor language-play nice-language Vladimir Nabokov
7e8b4b7 I asked. SImon said. Derek said. Simon glanced at me. Derek rolled his eyes. humor locked-up simon tools Kelley Armstrong
8305d98 "I'm going to need to save you." "Excuse me? No one needs-" "I'm saving you, so shut up and be grateful." humor Kelley Armstrong
6f7da30 "She saw Derek and without so much as a hello, leaned to look behind him. She glared up at Derek. "Where'd you leave him?" "Passed out in an alley." Derek frowned in thought. I said as Tori sputtered. " derek humor tori where-is-simon Kelley Armstrong
591a5d7 My foggy brain slid away and-- And I was still dressed in only my bra and panties. Well, at least it's a nice set of bra and panties. Yep, these were the thoughts going through my brain as I looked at a photo of a decapitated head on my bed. decapitated-head humor olivia thoughts underwear Kelley Armstrong
831e0f9 " Corey said. Hayley turned on Tori. Corey said. I asked Corey. "Bossy, isn't she?" Tori said. Corey said with a grin." cute flirt hayley humor tori Kelley Armstrong
0da259b "He made my life hell. Him and Tonto over there." Daniel glared toward Nick. "Poor little Clay. He has problems. He's had a tough life. You should be nice to him. You should make friends with him. That's all I ever heard. All they saw was a cute little runt of a wolf cub. He bared his teeth and they thought it was cute. He ordered us around like a miniature Napoleon and they thought it was cute. Well, it wasn't cute from where I was standing. It was--" I held up my hand. "You're ranting." "What?" "Just wanted to let you know. You're ranting. It's kinda ugly. Next thing you know, you'll be laying out your plans for world domination. That's what all villains do after they rant about their motivation. I was hoping you'd be different." elena-michaels humor world-domination Kelley Armstrong
8fec28f "Forgive my brother," Camira apologized. "We don't normally let him out of his cage when guests are present." funny funny-quotes humor laugh-out-loud Brandon Mull
d11ab75 "The gym cat appears to those who will die. He is our totem." This thought came to me a few weeks ago. I shared it with no one of course." humor Joyce Carol Oates
55045ce "Who else can walk around in a suit like that and then disappear without a trace?" "That's easy," Granuaile replied. "Keyser Soze." She blew on the tips of her fingers. "Poof. He's gone." granuaile humor Kevin Hearne
89feb88 I was amazed at how strong women were when they were angry. humor women Robin Hobb
a24ff8c Filial respect caused Grey to hesitate in passing ex post facto opinions on his mother's judgment, but after half an hour in the company of either Paul or Edgar, he could not escape a lurking suspicion that a just Providence, seeing the DeVanes so well endowed with physical beauty, had determined that there was no reason to spoil the work by adding intelligence to the mix. humor lord-john Diana Gabaldon
a72928d "You'd be surprised." Charlie said. "You go to bed one night singing her a lullaby, and she wakes up listening to Limp Bizkit." "What the hell is Limp Bizkit?" humor Jodi Picoult
635991f FatherMichael: OK we should get on with this; I don't want to be late for my 2 o'clock. First I have to ask, is there anyone in here who thinks there is any reason why these two should not be married? LonelyLady: Yes. SureOne: I could give more than one reason. Buttercup: Hell yes. SoOverHim: DON'T DO IT! humor marriage Cecelia Ahern
b1b2728 At the dealership, I pulled out the sieve and toyed with it threateningly. When the salesman was ready for me, I held it up, told him I was not a tourist and demanded a large discount. humor Tahir Shah
5030fa1 I dislike the idea of a murderer employing children,' said Holmes darkly. 'It is, I agree, bad for their morals, and interferes with their sleep.' 'And their schooling,' added Holmes sententiously. humor Laurie R. King
978d649 There's just one thing I want you to remember. You know those chemicals women have in them, when they've got PMS? Well, men have the very same chemicals in them all the time. humor Margaret Atwood
b37d8c6 "Murphy," I hissed. "Are you absolutely sure about this hair? That it belongs to Kravos?" If it didn't, the doll wouldn't do diddly to the sorcerer, unless I managed to throw it into his eye. "We're reasonably sure," she whispered, "yes." "Reasonably sure. Great." But I knelt down, and marked out the circle around me, then another around the Ken doll, and wrought my spell." humor Jim Butcher
a57ea9a "Tell me something about her. People make fun of her?" "Some did," she said. "I never liked it, but..." "Crap." I looked at Molly and said, "Code Carrie. We're in trouble." humor vengeance Jim Butcher
860d9d8 "Do you know what I think?" Marcone said. "You think we should shoot Nicodemus in the back at the first opportunity and let Michael dismember him." "Yes." I drew my gun. "Okay." humor pragmatism Jim Butcher
b29de03 "Ebenezar blinked . Then he turned his face to me his expression clearly asking whether or not I was out of my damned mind . "Wile E. Coyote" I said to him soberly . "Suuuuuuper Genius" humor Jim Butcher
3baec90 "I keep thinking, well, this'll settle down. It's bound to level off and settle down. But it doesn't. Even when things are just going smooth and we're just....living, I can look at you, and I've got no breath left." "Every minute with you, I'm alive. I never knew before there were pieces of me unborn, just waiting for you. I'm alive with you, Eve" She sighted, touched his cheek. "We'd better get out of here. We're getting mush all over the pool." humor romance J.D. Robb
7b5a232 "A demigod?" I repeated like I'd just learned to speak a few seconds ago. "A real, live demigod?" "Opposed to a fake, dead one?" He chuckled, proud of himself, and then sighed when my eyes narrowed on him. "You used to have a sense of humor, Seth." humor sarcasm Jennifer L. Armentrout
691b05b "You don't have to say a thing except yes. You don't have to do anything, either, I'm quite willing to plan it all." "You?" "Yes me." "You'd plan all of it? Even the wedding?" "Why not?" "You don't even like to plan your own breakfast." He grinned. "You mean more to me tban bacon." "More than [i]bacon?[/i] I'm honored." "You should be, my foolish pea brain." historical-romance humor hurst-amulet karen-hawkins romance Karen Hawkins
e0204e9 Puddings, my dear sir?' cried Graham. Puddings. We trice 'em athwart the starboard gumbrils, when sailing by and large. humor jargon maturin nautical Patrick O'Brian
22d71db Even Mongo liked him, although Mongo likes everybody. (Also Mongo was so thrilled with himsel for staying in the dog bed till I'd released him that was going to blow his mood.) humor Robin McKinley
8badf34 I think it's a rule that it's socially acceptable to wet yourself when aliens enter your mind for the first time. If it wasn't already, it is now. humor xenology Orson Scott Card
a0ca566 ...we haven't had any accidents for months now...Everything on that island is perfectly fine. fiction humor jurassic-park Michael Crichton
cc24819 I could croak with no warning, and the only tragedy anyone would experience would be showing up on the last day of my estate sale simply to discover that all remaining items had copious amounts of dog hair on them. death dogs humor Laurie Notaro
833dd19 "Percy, you are dismissed from my service." "Me? Why, my lord?" "Why? Because, Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly, and the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a funny codpiece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. That's why you're dismissed." "Oh, I see." "And as for you, Baldrick..." "Yes." "You're out, too." historical humor insult satire Richard Curtis
4f641c1 The Count was Prince Humperdink's only confidant. His last name was Rugen, but no one needed to use it - he was the only Count in the country, the title having been bestowed by the Prince as a birthday present some years before, the happening taking place, naturally, at one of the Countess' parties. humor William Goldman
db72f07 Though there was nowhere one so busy as he/ He was less busy than he seemed to be. humor Geoffrey Chaucer
bb5a5fd Look, Neal, Hawaii is not some magical pixie wonderland; it's an American state populated by atomic weapons, a remnant native population and people too stupid to spell their way out of a paper bag. Most of them came here to escape pathetic lives in the forty nine other states, so in some sense, Hawaii is a scenic cul-de-sac filled with people who want to drink themselves to death without feeling judged. humor ugly-truths Douglas Coupland
dd4e616 "Mad! Quite mad!' said Stalky to the visitors, as one exhibiting strange beasts. 'Beetle reads an ass called Brownin', and M'Turk reads an ass called Ruskin; and-' 'Ruskin isn't an ass,' said M'Turk. 'He's almost as good as the Opium-Eater. He says we're "children of noble races, trained by surrounding art." That means me, and the way I decorated the study when you two badgers would have stuck up brackets and Christmas cards. Child of a noble race, trained by surrounding art, stop reading or I'll shove a pilchard down your neck!" humor Rudyard Kipling
768b611 People who don't get excited about receiving gifts are tired of life. chick-lit humor Anna Maxted
5b3e3bf Boy needs to get a good night's sleep. Otherwise, he'll be lucky to get accepted at SUNY-So Far Upstate You Might As Well Be In Canada, ? college humor insomniac sleep Rachel Cohn
79a036f Not that it isn't great to see you. But it's not so great for you. What'd you do wrong? Laugh at his dick? humor moira sex Margaret Atwood
a5604d6 After that came her biggie: a triple murder--her dealer, the dealer's sister, and the dealer's sister's boyfriend. Reading that made me feel a little funny that we'd fucked and I'd loved her. humor regret George Saunders
1eeb002 When presented with a member of the opposite sex, some of us get numbers and some of us throw up. dating humor nervousness Daria Snadowsky
6db3000 "Twenty she curses you out by lunch," says Chris. "Thirty she kills you by lunch," adds Logan. "I'm getting her number." The two of them laugh." funny humor Katie McGarry
c7741a3 "It's my letter," she began. "I cannot make it right." "Come in, come in," the Prince said gently. "Maybe we can help you." She sat down in the same chair as before. "All right, I'll close my eyes and listen; read to me." " 'Westley, my passion, my sweet, my only, my own. Come back, come back. I shall kill myself otherwise. Yours in torment, Buttercup.' " She looked at Humperdinck. "Well? Do you think I'm throwing myself at him?" "It does seem a bit forward," the Prince admitted. "It doesn't leave him a great deal of room to maneuver." humor letters love melancholy William Goldman
f52ef74 Solo cuando la mayoria de los habitantes de este planeta esten convencidos de que se estan muriendo, cada minuto que pasa, empezaremos a comportarnos como seres conscientes, racionales y compasivos. Porque, aunque el atractivo de <> sea grande, el terror de caer, imparablemente, en la nada absoluta es mucho mas efectivo. feminism feminismo feminismo-radical feminist feminista humor Caitlin Moran
f59c597 he asked. He rubbed his fingers together. Unsure where this was headed, I shook my head. He reached over the counter and grabbed a knife. He cut the burger in half and slid the plate between us. Noah took another bite of his half. I smacked my lips like a cartoon character and bit into the succulent burger. When the juicy meat touched my tongue, I closed my eyes and moaned. The burger caught in my throat and I choked. Noah stifled a laugh while sliding my water toward me. If only drinking it would erase the annoying blush on my cheeks. cash dinero echo-emerson fries humor hungry money nice noah-hutchins sweet Katie McGarry
a72c040 Take your pick. It literally could be any one of those things and many, many more. It's hard to live a morally good life when you have a propensity for shenanigans. humor T.J. Klune
5a5c0a1 And that continued for quite a while until the adventurer admitted that it IS an accepted fact among monsters and giants of all stripes that Englishmen are delicious. humor Christopher Moore
4f36604 "You're right [Joshua], I have taught you nothing. I could teach you nothing. Everything that you needed to know was already there. You simply needed the word for it. Some need Kali and Shiva to destroy the world so they may see past the illusion to divinity in them, others need Krishna to drive them to the place where they may perceive what is eternal in them. Others may perceive the Divine Spark in themselves only by realizing through enlightenment that the spark resides in all things, and in that they find kinship. But because the Divine Spark resides in all, does not mean that all will discover it. Your dharma is not to learn, Joshua, but to teach." "How will I teach my people about the Divine Spark?" ... "You must only find the right word. The Divine Spark is infinite, the path to find it is not. The beginning of the path is the word." divine-spark hinduism humor religion Christopher Moore
fcbe07c ",,Listen," Richard says, ,,unless you're about to inherit some money, what we're talking about here is irreversible, fatal. You have fiscal Ebola, Matt. You are bleeding out through your nose and your mouth and your eye sockets, from your financial asshole." See! Fiscal Ebola? My financial asshole is bleeding? This was exactly why I started poetfolio.com; there are money poets everywhere." humor Jess Walter
b2a854e "Can I cuddle up with you when you sleep?" Sma stopped, detached the creature from her shoulder with one hand and stared it in the face. "What?" "Just for chumminess' sake," the little thing said, yawning wide and blinking. "I'm not being rude; it's a good bonding procedure." Sma was aware of Skaffen-Amtiskaw glowing red just behind her. She brought the yellow and brown device closer to her face. "Listen, Xenophobe--" "Xeny." "Xeny. You are a million-ton starship. A Torturer class Rapid Offensive Unit. Even--" "But I'm demilitarized!" "Even without your principle armament, I bet you could waste planets if you wanted to--" "Aw, come on; any silly GCU can do that!" "So what's all this shit for?" She shook the furry little remote drone, quite hard. Its teeth chattered. "It's for a laugh!" it cried. "Sma, don't you appreciate a joke?" "I don't know. Do you appreciate being drop-kicked back to the accommodation area?" "Ooh! What's your problem, lady? Have you got something against small furry animals, or what?" Look Ms. Sma, I know very well I'm a ship, and I do everything I'm asked to do--including taking you to this frankly rather fuzzily specified destination--and do it very efficiently, too. If there was the slightest sniff of any real action, and I had to start acting like a warship, this construct in your hands would go lifeless and limp immediately, and I'd battle as ferociously and decisively as I've been trained to. Meanwhile, like my human colleagues, I amuse myself harmlessly. If you really hate my current appearance, all right; I'll change it; I'll be an ordinary drone, or just a disembodied voice, or talk to you through Skaffen-Amtiskaw here, or through your personal terminal. The last thing I want is to offend a guest." Sma pursed her lips. She patted the thing on its head and sighed. "Fair enough." "I can keep this shape?" "By all means." "Oh goody!" It squirmed with pleasure, then opened its big eyes wide and looked hopefully at her. "Cuddle?" "Cuddle." Sma cuddled it, patted its back. She turned to see Skaffen-Amtiskaw lying dramatically on its back in midair, its aura field flashing the lurid orange that was used to signal Sick Drone in Extreme Distress." humor kawaii Iain M. Banks
6f1e509 Breath Properly, Stay Curious, and Always Eat Your Beets! humor jitterbug-perfume tom-robbins Tom Robbins
2b9fe73 Here they go cruising for a fortnight up in parts where everyone is dead of radiation, and all that they can catch is measles! disease humor illness measles radioactivity submarines Nevil Shute
cf180f5 Lucas - You'll have to excuse Paige's overenthusiastic attempt to befriend the local wildlife. Not many of their type where she comes from. Paige -Hey, we have gangs in Boston. Lucas - Ah, yes. I believe they're particularly bad down by the wharf, where they're liable to descend upon the unwary, surround him with their yachts, and shout well-chosen and elegantly elocuted epithets. humor Kelley Armstrong
538c457 We're like the couple on the sitcom that has good sparks but never get together for the sake of ratings. funny humor love Aimee Bender
b0450e5 "From the slope of Haleakala, the Old Broad watched the activity in the channel with a two-hundred-power celestial telescope and a pair of "big eyes" binoculars that looked like stereo bazookas on precision mounts that were anchored into a ton of concrete." humor whales Christopher Moore
9d22cc4 The corridor couldn't have smelled more strongly of fish guts if we had actually been inside a fish. humor Arthur Golden
e08a1eb What doesn't kill you will eventually turn you on humor Erika Lopez
0e760f6 A lack of communication with horses has impeded human progress, said Abrenuncio. If we ever broke down the barriers, we could produce the centaur horses humor Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez
819f8f1 It's also important to read the newspaper every day to see how the pope is doing. Here in Rome, the pope's health is recorded daily in the newspaper, very much like weather, or the TV schedule. Today the pope is tired. Yesterday, the pope was less tired than he is today. Tomorrow, we expect that the pope will not be so tired as he was today. humor Elizabeth Gilbert
6154787 Let's not have forced gaiety this Christmas, said Nora, like it was a dish. We'll have a tiny bit of it, I said. humor Miriam Toews
8a82584 "I wish I had a dollar for every hour I've spent in the library," he always says. I have to agree- we'd probably never have to worry about money again." humor reading truth Gary Paulsen
b57ce93 "For months in the fall of 2001, our highways looked like a county fair on wheels. "Look out, Al-Qaeda---patriot on board!" I once saw a guy with five flags tell a guy with four flags to go back to Afghanistan." humor patriotism war-on-terror Bill Maher
135f202 "Claiming "the budget can't allow it" reminds me of when you walk into a restaurant at a civilized hour like ten o'clock and they say "the kitchen is closed." For years I would hear this, and think, "damn, just a little too late, oh well, thank you, I guess it's Denny's again." And then one day it hit me: kitchens don't . Just as at home, at a certain point in the night, I stop the kitchen--but at three in the morning, if I want to, I still have the ability to go downstairs and "re-open" the kitchen by turning on the stove and opening the refrigerator! Restaurants are not banks; at the stroke of ten an enormous airlock doesn't seal off the kitchen and render the preparation of food an utter ./ No, kitchens can open and budgets are what certain people say they are." analogy budget budget-cuts budgeting economy humor impossible possible Bill Maher
598b9ac New Rule: Instead of using their $10 billion atom-smashing Large Hadron Collider to re-create the Big Bang by melting atom parts in temperatures a million times hotter than the sun, scientists should do that. I'm just sayin' it sounds dangerous. I'm as interested as the next guy in determining the origin of matter, but first couldn't we solve some simple mystery, like why some-detector batteries always die at four a.m.? humor large-hadron-collider science Bill Maher
d1adb32 Kids must spend half their lives throwing things at the ducks in Regent's Park. How come he managed to pick a duck that pathetic? humor life Nick Hornby
f77f061 "People realize that a life that had seemed enjoyable (travel, social life, romance) and fulfilling (work) was actually empty and meaningless. So they urge you to join the child-rearing party: they want you to share the riches, the pleasures, the joys. Or so they claim. I suspect that hey just want to share and spread the misery. (The knowledge that someone is at liberty or has escaped makes the pain of incarceration doubly hard to bear). Of all the arguments for having children, the suggestion that it gives life 'meaning' is the one to which I am most hostile--apart from all the others" (201)." humor life-lessons Geoff Dyer
86d8c2d -- !Fuera de mi cabeza! --No puedo evitarlo. Estas transmitiendo tus pensamientos tan condenadamente fuerte, que siento que debo ir a sentarme en un rincon y comenzar a mecerme, susurrando el nombre de Daemon una y otra vez. funny humor saga-lux spanish Jennifer L. Armentrout
e1bc187 "By journey's end the brides were much better acquainted with their grooms and more or less pleased with the matches. Sybil Bingham wrote in her diary, thanking God for answering her prayer for filling "the void" with a husband like Hiram, a "treasure rich and undeserved." Having read his insufferable memoir, "A Residence of Twenty-one Years in the Sandwich Islands", all I can say is: I'm happy for her?" humor love marriage Sarah Vowell
9bc2e2b Jag har inget emot att do, bara inte i morgon, jag har en del jag skall gora forst. humor inspiration inspirational Astrid Lindgren
0882153 "In a century or two this planet will have been destroyed by external cosmic forces or by the senseless activity of the human race. Human life is a freak phenomenon, soon to be blotted out. That is a consoling thought. Meanwhile we are surrounded by strange invisible entities, possibly your angels." "I hope so." "Ah, you think they are good, they be good, there is no good, the tendency to evil is overwhelming. One has only to think of the horrors of sex, its violence, its cruelty, its filthy vulgarity, its descent into bestial degradation. You had better go and dream in your monastery." "Would you come and visit me there?" "Of course not. I do not visit. Only, unfortunately, am sometimes visited." "You don't want to discuss -- you know -- what happened? My priest said -- " "No." "I care about how you are, I love you." "You still fail to realise how this sort of talk sickens me. Now please go. This will do for a welcome home scene. Tell them not to come. I desire to be left alone." end-of-the-world humor iris-murdoch misanthrope pessimistic recluse relationship the-green-knight Iris Murdoch
b570a92 Whew,' he said, 'I'm glad that's over, Thomas. I've been feeling awfully bad about it.' It was only too evident that he no longer did. humor humour Graham Greene
3124ae9 Some may say that the British are obsessed with class difference and that knowing your apostrophes is a way of belittling the uneducated. To which accusation, I say (mainly), 'Pah!' How can it be a matter of class difference when ignorance is universal? class-difference grammar humor ignorance intellectualism Lynne Truss
f3629a7 "Um, thanks," Jackson told her. "And your name is...?" "I'm Margaret, Margaret Van Der Graaf," she answered with another eerie smile. Her teeth were so white that they looked bleached. "Van Der Graaf?" Jackson repeated, trying to stifle his laughter. He didn't want to be rude to the only person in sight, to this kind-hearted stranger who was offering to help him, but... Van Der Graaf? "What are you laughing at?" Margaret asked with curiosity, flashing him a calculating gaze. "I like my name. If you're going to be a jerk, then I won't help you. You can stay out here on the street through the night for all I care." "...Harsh," said Jackson, giving her a quizzical glance back. There was something 'off' about her, something that Jackson couldn't quite place, something that bordered on horrible loneliness and longing. "Who else lives here, Margaret Van Der Graaf?" He couldn't resist saying her name aloud. Despite its hilarity, it had a nice ring to it. "Who else lives here?" he urged. "Me, myself and I," said Margaret simply, snickering when she saw his horrified and annoyed expression" comedy friendship funny ghost humor longing lonliness name smile stranger weird Rebecca McNutt
4f911d3 I decided, on the spot, to let God into my heart, in the hope that my newfound faith can somehow be used as a vicious weapon in the marital war. humor marriage religion Nick Hornby
2fd0730 Like the NRA says, it's better to have a machine gun and not need it than to need a machine gun and not have it. guns humor john-sandford mgg michele-cook nra outrage the-singular-menace John Sandford
962667e Byron clapped Walter on the back. 'Good work,' he said. Walter shook his head. 'You're the one who clocked her with the Stephen King hardcover. That took some of the wind out of her.' 'Thank heavens he's a wordy man,' said Byron. funny humor Michael Thomas Ford
2ea6c7e A wolf is clever-clever-clever, and they are as faithful as a debt unpaid. humor wolf Tad Williams
44bd74b Why is a man with a knife after your blood? Who sent him? I would like to write the fellow a letter of thanks! humor sarcasm Elizabeth Peters
9e9c9db Being dead means never having to do anything sneaky. humor sneaky Lawrence Block
49eeaa4 "I have never been able to understand how men can feel affection for individuals who are intent on massacring them in a variety of unpleasant ways, but it is an undeniable fact that they can and do. Witness the immortal verse of Mr. Kipling: "So 'ere's to you, Fuzzy-Wuzzy, at your 'home in the Soudan; You're a pore benighted 'eathen but a first-class fightin' man!" One can only accept this as another example of the peculiar emotional aberrations of the male sex." aggressiveness humor inexplicable-ways machismo men power warlike Elizabeth Peters
b60aefe Sandwiches,' she said, 'like diamonds, are forever. humor Muriel Spark
b57f239 A chuckle escaped Meredith's lips as Cassie swung from sleepy little girl to sympathetic confidante to vengeful angel all in the course of a single minute. humor sisters Karen Witemeyer
1cfef69 For a time Emerson politely endeavored to conceal his boredom - like most men, he is profoundly disinterested in all children except his own - ... humor men Elizabeth Peters
8935ed7 The propensity of Earthlings to get into trouble, and to learn thereby, was the reason my owners agreed to this mad venture - although no one expected such a chain of unusual calamities as befell this ship. Your talents were underrated. humanity humor David Brin
ea8bed8 "I've never met a politician who didn't deserve to be tossed into a pit full of Kallin," Beranabus grunts." humor politics Darren Shan
639506e I had aimed at Mars and was about to hit Venus; unquestionably the all-time cosmic record for poor shots. funny humor science-fiction space-travel Edgar Rice Burroughs
5360afd Be honest with yourself; set the alarm for the time the Real You will get up, not the Ambitious You, because the Ambitious You doesn't really exist. funny humor life mornings sleep Laurie Notaro
a0952d9 Water!' cried Marie. 'Vinegar!' recommended the bell-boy. 'Eu-de-Cologne!' said Bill. 'Pepper!' said Lord Tidmouth. Mary had another suggestion. 'Give her air!' So had the bell-boy. 'Slap her hands!' Lord Tidmouth went further. 'Sit on her head!' he advised. cure doctor help humor remedy treatment P.G. Wodehouse
219c754 "He gives her his Art History lecture. art-history humor visitors Donald Barthelme
0d8b0d8 "Yes, the saint was underrated quite a bit, then, mostly by people who didn't like things that were ineffable... ...a lot of people don't like things that are unearthly, the things of this earth are good enough for them, and they don't mind telling you so. "If he'd just go out and get a job, like everybody else, then he could be saintly all day long..." --from "The Temptations of St. Anthony," by Donald Barthelme" humor sainthood short-story Donald Barthelme
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