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db3a6c5 "The twelve jurors were all writing very busily on the slates. "What are they doing?" Alice whispered to the Gryphon. "They can't have anything to put down yet, before the trial's begun." "They're putting down their names," the Gryphon whispered in reply, "for fear they should forget them before the end of the trial." humor philisophical Lewis Carroll
7cd5288 As many as thirty or as few as ten years later, lying exhausted and still, eyes open in the dark long after the three suns of Rakhat had set, no longer bleeding, past the vomiting, enough beyond the shock to think again, it would occur to Emilio Sandoz to wonder if perhaps that day int he Sudan was really only part of the setup for a punchline a life-time in the making. It was an odd thought, under the circumstances. He understood that, even at the time. But thinking it, he realized with appalling clarity that on his journey of discovery as a Jesuit, he had not merely been the first human being to set foot on Rhakhat, had not simply explored parts of its largest continent and learned two of its languages and loved some of its people. He had also discovered the outermost limit of faith and, in doing so had located the exact boundary of despair. It was at that moment that he learned, truly, to fear God. faith fear god humor joke Mary Doria Russell
37ea140 "There was a certain amount of initial argumentation about the "meaning" of the balloon; this subsided, because we have learned not to insist on meanings, and they are rarely even looked for now, except in cases involving the simplest, safest phenomena." humor satire short-story transgressive-fiction Donald Barthelme
fce676c "Nora was eating a piece of cold duck with one hand and working on a jig-saw puzzle with the other when I got home. "I thought you'd gone to live with her," she said. "You used to be a detective: find me a brownish piece shaped something like a snail with a long neck." "Piece of duck or puzzle?..." humor puzzles Dashiell Hammett
3783ca4 I sleep on my face, and then it does not frighten anybody in the morning. humor ugly Ernest Hemingway
b1b2728 At the dealership, I pulled out the sieve and toyed with it threateningly. When the salesman was ready for me, I held it up, told him I was not a tourist and demanded a large discount. humor Tahir Shah
36e6891 "When we entered a classroom we always tossed our caps on the floor, to free our hands; as soon as we crossed the threshold we would throw them under the bench so hard that they struck the wall and raised a cloud of dust; this was "the way it should be done." But the new boy either failed to notice this maneuver or was too shy to perform it himself, for he was still holding his cap on his lap at the end of the prayer. It was a head-gear of composite nature, combining elements of the busby, the lancer cap, the round hat, the otter-skin cap and the cotton nightcap--one of those wretched things whose mute ugliness has great depths of expression, like an idiot's face. Egg-shaped and stiffened by whalebone, it began with three rounded bands, followed by alternating diamond-shaped patches of velvet and rabbit fur separated by a red stripe, and finally there was a kind of bag terminating in a cardboard-lined polygon covered with complicated braid. A network of gold wire was attached to the top of this polygon by a long, extremely thin cord, forming a kind of tassel. The cap was new; its visor was shiny. "Stand up," said the teacher. He stood up; his cap fell. The whole class began to laugh. He bent down and picked it up. A boy beside him knocked it down again with his elbow; he picked it up once again. "Will you please put your helmet away?" said the teacher, a witty man." caps hats headgear humor misfit newness Gustave Flaubert
dc26838 "He runs his eye along the row of knives in their racks, the cleavers for splitting bones. He picks one up, looks at its edge, decides it needs sharpening and says, "Do you think I look like a murderer? In your good opinion?" A silence. After a while, Thurston proffers, "At this moment, master, I would have to say..." humor knives murder murderers Hilary Mantel
7e8b4b7 I asked. SImon said. Derek said. Simon glanced at me. Derek rolled his eyes. humor locked-up simon tools Kelley Armstrong
3588109 Will you dance for me? Let your breasts roam for a moment -- I need to see how they dance.' 'Okay.' She danced, and as she danced, she tried to think of the most delicious salads she could imagine -- with artichokes and sundried tomato and blue cheese dressing, and beets, lots of beets. beets erotica food humor salad sex vegetarianism Nicholson Baker
dd1660d "A diamond may be forever, but terrorism, promiscuously funded, will be too. Let's make the connection clearly by tracing the path of the diamond. Diamonds start out in the earth, and eventually that earth is part of a country, like Sierra Leone, Angola, or the Democratic Republic of Congo. In those countries, desperate battles for control have been going on for decades, and the armies that fight the battles finance their ambitions with diamonds. Villagers are forced to mine the diamonds by ruthless rebels who maintain order through terror: by raping women and hacking off the limbs of the children, something, by the way, you never see in the De Beers ads. The rebels then smuggle the diamonds into neighboring dictatorships in exchange for guns and cash. There the diamonds are sold to the highest bidder--whether they be terrorists or "legitimate" dealers--and finally they're laundered in Europe, shipped to America, and end up in jewelry stores where they're purchased by men and given to women in exchange for oral sex. In the feminized world we live in, it's practically national policy that women are more evolved that men--but if that's so, how come they're still so impressed by shiny objects?" humor war-on-terror women Bill Maher
7fb8911 Of course, when you shut off your brain from rational analysis, book is dangerous. Taking literally ancient parables from thousands of years ago is much more dangerous than playing with a loaded gun. Ancient scrawls, written by different authors in different centuries with different agendas--yeah, let's get mad literal about . The literalness problem is compounded in religion by the circular logic of not being allowed to question anything, or else you're lacking faith. biblical-literalism humor literalism logic rationality religion Bill Maher
b103865 My Precioussss! -Gollum humor j-r-r-tolkien movie precious the-hobbit J.R.R. Tolkien
b0fd7fe America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaking helpings of disaster that no man or plan can prevent. humor Bill Maher
7fd0a54 A new doctor had been sent for, Lazzaro of Pavia, who had administered to Lorenzo a pulverized mixture of diamonds and pearls. This hitherto infallible medicine had failed to help. humor medicine Irving Stone
7fde3bd My, my, aren't we upper class and therefore faultlessly grammatical. humor Sharon Green
e0204e9 Puddings, my dear sir?' cried Graham. Puddings. We trice 'em athwart the starboard gumbrils, when sailing by and large. humor jargon maturin nautical Patrick O'Brian
95dbb45 ,' he said. You had to wonder about the French, how they could make a simple 'sorry' sound so extreme and forlorn. forlorn french humor language sorry Kate Atkinson
2e289b2 Bouncer, recognizing a well-wisher, got up, and thrust his cold, wet nose under her hand, assuming as he did so the soulful expression of a dog who takes but a benevolent interest in cats, livestock, and stray visitors. dogs-in-regency-novels humor humour Georgette Heyer
2dea6a3 Properly cared for, a Savile Row suit can be handed down the generations--like gout. humor savile-row tailoring Ben Schott
2d2cd59 "Key Rabbit, allow me to bore you with a comparison of your wife and a beautiful woman," I said. "In the morning a beauty must lie in bed for three or four hours gathering strength for another mighty battle with Nature. Then, after being bathed and toweled by her maids, she loosens her hair in the Cascade of Teasing Willows Style, paints her eyebrows in the Distant Mountain Range Style, anoints herself with the Nine Bends of the River Diving-water Perfume, applies rouge, mascara, and eye shadow, and covers the whole works with a good two inches of the Powder of the Nonchalant Approach. Then she dresses in a plum-blossom patterned tunic with matching skirt and stockings, adds four or five pounds of jewelry, looks in the mirror for any visible sign of humanity and is relieved to find none, checks her makeup to be sure that it has hardened into an immovable mask, sprinkles herself with the Hundred Ingredients Perfume of the Heavenly Spirits who Descended in the Rain Shower, and minces with tiny steps toward the new day. Which, like any other day, will consist of gossip and giggles." beauty-queens humor Barry Hughart
e202d39 Teachers were not allowed to beat children as they did in the past, although, Mma Ramotswe reflected, there were some boys-and indeed some young men-who might have been greatly improved by moderate physical correction. The apprentices, for example: would it help if Mr. J.L.B. Matekoni resorted to physical chastisement-nothing severe, of course-but just an occasional kick in the seat of the pants while they were bending over to change a tyre or something like that? The thought made her smile. She would even offer to administer the kick herself, which she imagined might be oddly satisfying, as one of the apprentices, the one who still kept on about girls, had a largeish bottom which she thought would be quite comfortable to kick. How enjoyable it would be to creep up behind him and kick him when he was least expecting it, and then to say: Let that be a lesson! That was all one would have to say, but it would be a blow for women everywhere. blow bottom humor kick women Alexander McCall Smith
8305d98 "I'm going to need to save you." "Excuse me? No one needs-" "I'm saving you, so shut up and be grateful." humor Kelley Armstrong
831e0f9 " Corey said. Hayley turned on Tori. Corey said. I asked Corey. "Bossy, isn't she?" Tori said. Corey said with a grin." cute flirt hayley humor tori Kelley Armstrong
e25f441 "No," he said hoarsely, "the chair will do just fine, thank you." "If I know you are uncomfortable, I shan't be able to sleep." She sounded remarkably like a damsel in distress. Dunford shuddered. He had never been able to resist playing hero. Slowly he got to his feet and walked to the empty side of the bed. How bad could it be?" hero humor Julia Quinn
981a0ef It was his wife we objected to. Her name was Leda, but he called her Tip. She was very small and her hair, eyes, and skin, though naturally of different shades, were all muddy. She seldom sat- she perched on things - and liked to cock her head a little to one side. Nora had a theory that once when Edge opened an antique grave, Tip ran out of it,... humor Dashiell Hammett
833dd19 "Percy, you are dismissed from my service." "Me? Why, my lord?" "Why? Because, Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly, and the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a funny codpiece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. That's why you're dismissed." "Oh, I see." "And as for you, Baldrick..." "Yes." "You're out, too." historical humor insult satire Richard Curtis
e310155 Everything had been going so well, he'd had it really under his thumb these few centuries. That's how it goes, you think you're on top of the world, and suddenly they spring Armageddon on you. crowley humor Neil Gaiman
860d9d8 "Do you know what I think?" Marcone said. "You think we should shoot Nicodemus in the back at the first opportunity and let Michael dismember him." "Yes." I drew my gun. "Okay." humor pragmatism Jim Butcher
2a24cf4 We took up a collection and sent a telegram to the authorities of that town. The text of the message was that eighty-five healthy, hungry hoboes would arrive about noon and that it would be a good idea to have dinner ready for them. humor Jack London
27f8383 "The snores alone were quite a study, varying from the mild sniff to the stentorian snort, which startled the echoes and hoisted the performer erect to accuse his neighbor of the deed, magnanimously forgive him, and wrapping the drapery of his couch about him, lie down to vocal slumber. After listening for a week to this band of wind instruments, I indulged in the belief that I could recognize each by the snore alone, and was tempted to join the chorus by breaking out with John Brown's favorite hymn: "Blow ye the trumpet, blow!" -- humor Louisa May Alcott
276c4a7 "It is hardly lonely in a nunnery, son, with other women. And God is there." Morgause said, "I would rather dwell in a hermitage in the forest than in a house full of chattering ladies! If God is there, it must be hard for him to get a word in edgewise!" humor nuns women Marion Zimmer Bradley
e7a5619 "He smiled at me, turning into the old Sean Evans. The transformation was so sudden, I blinked to make sure I didn't imagine it. "Because you're a carebear." humor ilona-andrews sean-evans Ilona Andrews
e97d7bd I agreed to keep the cards a secret and asked my grandmother if she believed in magic. She said she did not but that, surprisingly, magic worked even if you did not believe in it. humor magic trust Michael Chabon
23e11cd "Sebastian looked alarmed at her stiffness, but Eric took it in and chuckled. "Riding astride would have been easier," he said. "You put twice the strain on yourself with that unnatural position." "Oh, I know," she replied with a grimace. "Every muscle told me about it this morning, and I actually DID have a hot soak before I went to bed." Sebastian looked blankly at the two of them for a moment, then blinked and looked relieved. "Oh, you're saddle sore! I'm sorry--" bella eric five-hundred-kingdoms humor mercedes-lackey sebastian Mercedes Lackey
22d71db Even Mongo liked him, although Mongo likes everybody. (Also Mongo was so thrilled with himsel for staying in the dog bed till I'd released him that was going to blow his mood.) humor Robin McKinley
225fa38 Never get old. It's a ridiculously uncomfortable process Ath Creator should be made to find a cure for. humor Janny Wurts
99fc146 "Who was the moron on the phone?" "Carl Avery," Kate said. "A long-standing client and potential felon." crime humor Jennifer Crusie
218b583 Constipation ran Presley's life. Even his famous motto TCB-- 'Taking Care of Business'-- sounds like a reference to bathroom matters. humor science song Mary Roach
a8732cd At the departure gate, a drunken airport security woman was handing out box cutters to the passengers. drunkenness humor security Warren Ellis
ebce98c "Kaitlin said, "I'm so sick of that 'Greatest Generation' crap. We finally drove a silver nail through the heart of Generation X, only to have this new monster rear its head. And I'm soooooo sick of Tom Hanks looking earnest all the time. They should make a Tom Hanks movie where Tom kills off Greatest Generation figureheads one by one." Bree arrived on cue: "And then he starts killing other generations. He becomes this supernova of hate--all he wants to do is destroy." "Hate clings to him like a rich, lathery shampoo. His lungs secrete it like anthrax foam." Mom lost it. "Stop it! All of you! Tom Hanks is a fine actor who would never hurt anybody. At least not onscreen." I thought, 'Hey, didn't Tom Hanks mow down half of Chicago in "Road to Perdition?"' Well, whatever." humor tom-hanks Douglas Coupland
203e6a6 "New Rule: Designers of women's Halloween costumes must admit that they're not even trying. They just choose a random profession, like nurse or referee, and put the word "sexy" in front of it, thereby perpetuating the idea of Halloween as a day when normally shy women release their inner sluts and parade around like vixens, and I just completely forgot what I was complaining about." humor Bill Maher
89feb88 I was amazed at how strong women were when they were angry. humor women Robin Hobb
2002962 The law enforcement in this town is terrific. All through prohibition Eddie Mars' place was a night club and they had two uniformed men in the lobby every night-to see that the guests didn't bring their own liquor instead of buying it from the house. humor noir-fiction Raymond Chandler
ed50cec "Gilbert put down the magazine he was looking at and politely said he hoped I was recovering from my injury. I said I was. "I've never been hurt, really hurt," he went on, "that I can remember. I've tried hurting myself, of course, but that's not the same thing. It just made me uncomfortable and irritable and sweat a lot." "That's pretty much the same thing," I said." humor Dashiell Hammett
a72928d "You'd be surprised." Charlie said. "You go to bed one night singing her a lullaby, and she wakes up listening to Limp Bizkit." "What the hell is Limp Bizkit?" humor Jodi Picoult
edf3446 "You took your clothes off?" "You didn't notice?" "No! Jeez Louise, I don't even know you." "If you look under the covers, you'll know me better." "I don't want to know you better!" "That's a big fib," Diesel said." humor humorous love wicked-appetite Janet Evanovich
a6ff3d6 And a beautiful garden, not far from a beautiful lake, and I said it sounded perfectly perfect. humor language-play nice-language Vladimir Nabokov
1eb51c8 New Rule: Don't name your kid after a ballpark. Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their newborn son Wrigley. Wrigley Fields. A child is supposed to be an independent individual, not a means of touting your own personal hobbies. At least that's what I've always taught my kids, Panama Red and Jacuzzi. bad-decisions baseball chicago chicago-cubs children humor names naming parenting parents sports sports-fans Bill Maher
1d80198 We made it back to the airport without getting mugged, stoned, shot at, pounced on, bombed, shelled, garroted, gassed, pitched into, caught in a cross fire, sniped at, blockaded, napalmed, or trip-wired. No one even hit us with a water balloon. funny humor ishmael Daniel Quinn
8badf34 I think it's a rule that it's socially acceptable to wet yourself when aliens enter your mind for the first time. If it wasn't already, it is now. humor xenology Orson Scott Card
a57ea9a "Tell me something about her. People make fun of her?" "Some did," she said. "I never liked it, but..." "Crap." I looked at Molly and said, "Code Carrie. We're in trouble." humor vengeance Jim Butcher
f0be8c3 Young men are all very well in their place, but it doesn't do to drag them into everything, does it? Diana and I are thinking seriously of promising each other that we will never marry but be nice old maids and live together forever humor L. M. Montgomery
8cf3268 In the cramped confines of the toilet I had trouble getting out of my wet trousers, which clung to my legs like a drowning man. The new ones were quite complicated too in that they had more legs than a spider; either that or they didn't have enough legs to get mine into. The numbers failed to add up. Always there was one trouser leg too many or one of my legs was left over. From the outside it may have looked like a simple toilet, but once you were locked in here the most basic rules of arithmetic no longer held true. drugs humor humour lmao travel Geoff Dyer
8d0e37c All of which does not alter the fact that Pnin was on the wrong train. humor irony Vladimir Nabokov
8e804a9 "Kid, I've only known you two days and I've seen you plastered three times." He shook his head. "A bar would not be a good career move for you." humor Jennifer Crusie
8ed5d42 ... even though two decades and several years had gone by since [she] first decided to be a fairy, even though Lizabeth Kane now stood five feet six inches tall in her stocking feet, even though she was thirty two years old - she still had aspirations of growing up to be a fairy. humor Janet Evanovich
a37459b Scratch your flesh raw between your toes, but you won't find the answer. humor toes Franz Kafka
9b709a6 New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures of Britney Spears's vagina getting out of a car. Television has desensitizes us to violence, and porn has desensitized us to people getting shot in the eye. culture humor osama-bin-laden porn violence Bill Maher
f520886 this isn't so much romance as it is opportunity [victor mancini] human-relationships humor life love Chuck Palahniuk
8fec28f "Forgive my brother," Camira apologized. "We don't normally let him out of his cage when guests are present." funny funny-quotes humor laugh-out-loud Brandon Mull
a24ff8c Filial respect caused Grey to hesitate in passing ex post facto opinions on his mother's judgment, but after half an hour in the company of either Paul or Edgar, he could not escape a lurking suspicion that a just Providence, seeing the DeVanes so well endowed with physical beauty, had determined that there was no reason to spoil the work by adding intelligence to the mix. humor lord-john Diana Gabaldon
143cbe7 "New Rule: Let the Pope be Pope. An animal-rights group in Italy has asked Pope Benedict to give up his fur-trimmed cape and hat. To which the Pope replied, "Don't be hatin' on my cape, bitch." Sorry, but Popes are the original divas, they invented bling, they've been wearing outlandish outfits for a thousand years--almost as long as Elton John. The clothes, the jewels, the fancy palace...Those aren't just symbols of the Papacy, they are the Papacy. The day the Pope shows up on the balcony in a pair of jeans and polo shirt is the day a billion Catholics go, "What the hell were we thinking?" humor religion Bill Maher
1393e84 Volvos are fundamentally invisible. funny humor invisible john-sandford mgg michele-cook outrage the-singular-menace volvos John Sandford
12c4454 "The King's Hand should have a hand," the Hand said "I will not have men speaking of the King's Stump" humor jape king kingdom George R.R. Martin
a0ca566 ...we haven't had any accidents for months now...Everything on that island is perfectly fine. fiction humor jurassic-park Michael Crichton
a0c1124 She had only a candle's light to see by, but candlelight never did badly by any woman. humor women John Fowles
0f46af0 "From that original colony sprang seven names that still feature on the landscape: Roanoke (which has the distinction of being the first Indian word borrowed by English settlers), Cape Fear, Cape Hatteras, the Chowan and Neuse Rivers, Chesapeake, and Virginia. (Previously, Virginia had been called Windgancon, meaning "what gay clothes you wear" - apparently what the locals had replied when an early reconnoitering party had asked the place's name.)" humor language Bill Bryson
f96ea15 This 'web of discourses' as Robyn called it...is as much a biological product as any of the other constructions to be found in the animal world. (Clothes too, are part of the extended phenotype of Homo Sapiens almost every niche inhabited by that species.An illustrated encyclopedia of zoology should no more picture Homo Sapiens naked than it should picture Ursus arctus-the black bear- wearing a clown suit and riding a bicycle. dennett humor philosophy philosophy-of-mind science Daniel C. Dennett
f9817c6 What were you supposed to do, talking to a hologram of a dead man, when a younger version of that man was still alive? Should you offer condolences? Jordan decided that really wasn't necessary. holograms humor Margaret Peterson Haddix
f99a191 And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it's us against the world. cute humor real-time-with-bill-maher Bill Maher
a0510ba "Once we were outside, I was so excited I could hardly stand it. "Grandmere!" I yelled. "What'd you say to them? What'd you say to convince them to let me go?" But Grandmere just laughed in this scary way and said, "I have my ways." Boy, did I ever not hate her then." clarisse-renaldi humor mia-thermopolis Meg Cabot
9207565 He is not a man wedded to action, Boleyn, but rather a man who stands by, smirking and stroking his beard; he thinks he looks enigmatic, but instead he looks as if he's pleasuring himself. humor Hilary Mantel
0da259b "He made my life hell. Him and Tonto over there." Daniel glared toward Nick. "Poor little Clay. He has problems. He's had a tough life. You should be nice to him. You should make friends with him. That's all I ever heard. All they saw was a cute little runt of a wolf cub. He bared his teeth and they thought it was cute. He ordered us around like a miniature Napoleon and they thought it was cute. Well, it wasn't cute from where I was standing. It was--" I held up my hand. "You're ranting." "What?" "Just wanted to let you know. You're ranting. It's kinda ugly. Next thing you know, you'll be laying out your plans for world domination. That's what all villains do after they rant about their motivation. I was hoping you'd be different." elena-michaels humor world-domination Kelley Armstrong
925f225 When my mother passed away several years ago--well, wait a minute. Actually, she didn't 'pass away.' She died. Something about that verb, 'to pass away' always sounds to me as if someone just drifted through the wallpaper. No, my mother did not pass away. She definitely died. death euphemism humor Steve Allen
978d649 There's just one thing I want you to remember. You know those chemicals women have in them, when they've got PMS? Well, men have the very same chemicals in them all the time. humor Margaret Atwood
fb02438 New Rule: Stop putting psychedelic screensavers on computers. I sit down to check my e-mail, and the next thing I know it's three days later, I'm in the desert, I'm banging on a drum, I'm naked, and somebody's pierced my dick. humor technology Bill Maher
0d53659 Please note, I am not suggesting that illicit drugs are required to break down social barriers. humor Thomas C. Foster
fb9e02d "I don't know what you mean by 'glory,' " Alice said. Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't--till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!' " "But 'glory' doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument'," Alice objected. "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in rather a scornful tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean--neither more nor less." humor humpty-dumpty Lewis Carroll
6563cb5 There had been a time in high school, see, when I wrestled with the possibility that I might be gay, a torturous six-month culmination of years of unpopularity and girllessness. At night I lay in bed and cooly informed myself that I was gay and that I had better get used to it. The locker room became a place of torment, full of exposed male genitalia that seemed to taunt me with my failure to avoid glancing at them, for a fraction of a second that might have seemed accidental but was, I recognized, a bitter symptom of my perversion. Bursting with typical fourteen-year-old desire, I attempted to focus it in succession on the thought of every boy I knew, hoping to find some outlet for my horniness, even if it had to be perverted, secret, and doomed to disappointment. Without exception these attempts failed to produce anything but bemusement, if not actual disgust. This crisis of self-esteem had been abruptly dispelled by the advent of Julie Lefkowitz, followed swiftly by her sister Robin, and then Sharon Horne and little Rose Fagan and Jennifer Schaeffer; but I never forgot my period of profound sexual doubt. Once in a while I would meet an enthralling man who shook, dimly but perceptibley, the foundations laid by Julie Lefkowitz, and I would wonder, just for a moment, by what whim of fate I had decided that I was not a homosexual. humor Michael Chabon
c2c8508 If it was appropriate to judge a person based on her footwear - and it obviously was - I decided I liked her immediately. humor merit shoes vampires chloe neill
c437da6 I used to get upset if somebody I didn't like loved a book I loved. That's MY book, I'd think. books humor Abigail Thomas
635991f FatherMichael: OK we should get on with this; I don't want to be late for my 2 o'clock. First I have to ask, is there anyone in here who thinks there is any reason why these two should not be married? LonelyLady: Yes. SureOne: I could give more than one reason. Buttercup: Hell yes. SoOverHim: DON'T DO IT! humor marriage Cecelia Ahern
62af0b0 "I think it's your bosoms." Rand Surveyed him critically. "The dress wouldn't be as tight if they weren;t so large. I think your bosoms are too big." Alexei looked down at his overstuffed chest. "Can bosoms ever be too big?" Not real bosoms perhaps, but I think in your case..." Rand considered him thoughtfully. "No question about it: they're definately too big" Are you sure?" Alexei studied his reflection. "I thought they were just the right size for a man of my height." humor romance victoria-alexander Victoria Alexander
c5409f9 The brontosaurus had thirty-ton body and a two-ounce brain. The anatosaurus had two thousand teeth. Triceratops had a helmet of filled bone seven feet long. Tyrannosaurus rex had tiny arms and teeth like six-inch razors and it was elected President. It ate everything--dead meat, living meat, old bones-- humor politics John Updike
691b05b "You don't have to say a thing except yes. You don't have to do anything, either, I'm quite willing to plan it all." "You?" "Yes me." "You'd plan all of it? Even the wedding?" "Why not?" "You don't even like to plan your own breakfast." He grinned. "You mean more to me tban bacon." "More than [i]bacon?[/i] I'm honored." "You should be, my foolish pea brain." historical-romance humor hurst-amulet karen-hawkins romance Karen Hawkins
c5eaba2 Hi, you've reached Caitlin! I'm either on the other line or I'm purposely ignoring you. Or maybe Mrs. Mitchell confiscated my phone for texting in class again... Leave a message and if I deem you worthy, or at least hot, I'll call you back. Mwah! friendship humor mari-mancusi nice-voicemail scorched voicemail Mari Mancusi
1cfd336 Bet you've never had a bear down your pants before. Though I'm kind of a bear in bed. (Rick from Back to Basics) humor sweet-romance Erin McCarthy
1cfef69 For a time Emerson politely endeavored to conceal his boredom - like most men, he is profoundly disinterested in all children except his own - ... humor men Elizabeth Peters
c7741a3 "It's my letter," she began. "I cannot make it right." "Come in, come in," the Prince said gently. "Maybe we can help you." She sat down in the same chair as before. "All right, I'll close my eyes and listen; read to me." " 'Westley, my passion, my sweet, my only, my own. Come back, come back. I shall kill myself otherwise. Yours in torment, Buttercup.' " She looked at Humperdinck. "Well? Do you think I'm throwing myself at him?" "It does seem a bit forward," the Prince admitted. "It doesn't leave him a great deal of room to maneuver." humor letters love melancholy William Goldman
6e7c6dd What's the biggest problem facing teenagers today? Ourselves. We're a generation of lazy underachievers who need to learn that hard work pays off. What's your town known for? Cow manure! Hold for laughs... Actually Irondale is the setting of Fannie Flagg's famous novel Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe. Why'd you enter the Junior Miss Birmingham pageant? To win... to go to State... then Nationals... maybe get the hell out of Alabama. birmingham humor pageant teen Nadria Tucker
0882153 "In a century or two this planet will have been destroyed by external cosmic forces or by the senseless activity of the human race. Human life is a freak phenomenon, soon to be blotted out. That is a consoling thought. Meanwhile we are surrounded by strange invisible entities, possibly your angels." "I hope so." "Ah, you think they are good, they be good, there is no good, the tendency to evil is overwhelming. One has only to think of the horrors of sex, its violence, its cruelty, its filthy vulgarity, its descent into bestial degradation. You had better go and dream in your monastery." "Would you come and visit me there?" "Of course not. I do not visit. Only, unfortunately, am sometimes visited." "You don't want to discuss -- you know -- what happened? My priest said -- " "No." "I care about how you are, I love you." "You still fail to realise how this sort of talk sickens me. Now please go. This will do for a welcome home scene. Tell them not to come. I desire to be left alone." end-of-the-world humor iris-murdoch misanthrope pessimistic recluse relationship the-green-knight Iris Murdoch
2a44c9c "How does hanky-panky translate to sex? Who comes up with words like that?" "Probably people who don't have sex" humor J.D. Robb
e47ea50 Butt he isn't my lover, or my fiance, or my boyfriend or anything, and I refuse to be killed with him. humor idiot-prince princess priorities Patricia C. Wrede
44bd74b Why is a man with a knife after your blood? Who sent him? I would like to write the fellow a letter of thanks! humor sarcasm Elizabeth Peters
b57ce93 "For months in the fall of 2001, our highways looked like a county fair on wheels. "Look out, Al-Qaeda---patriot on board!" I once saw a guy with five flags tell a guy with four flags to go back to Afghanistan." humor patriotism war-on-terror Bill Maher
ac7c66b The chilling thought occurred to me that breaking up with someone you love to criticize might be the only way to save yourself from becoming unlovable humor love Bob Smith
9d22cc4 The corridor couldn't have smelled more strongly of fish guts if we had actually been inside a fish. humor Arthur Golden
673e576 The Park's nice,' his father conceded, 'but the rest of the country is just people in huge cars wondering what to eat next. humor Edward St. Aubyn
b57f239 A chuckle escaped Meredith's lips as Cassie swung from sleepy little girl to sympathetic confidante to vengeful angel all in the course of a single minute. humor sisters Karen Witemeyer
bde9bde Who wanted to make lemonade from lemons, when you could make perfectly good lemonade grenades? fiction humor Melissa de la Cruz
1eeb002 When presented with a member of the opposite sex, some of us get numbers and some of us throw up. dating humor nervousness Daria Snadowsky
cc4fa6f She kept her ears permanently tuned to the chicken voices outside, so knew immediately when a coyote had crept into the yard, and barreled screaming for the front door before the rest of us had a clue. (I don't know about the coyote, but I nearly needed CPR.) These hens owed their lives and eggs to Lily, there was no question. coyote cpr humor Barbara Kingsolver
5a5c0a1 And that continued for quite a while until the adventurer admitted that it IS an accepted fact among monsters and giants of all stripes that Englishmen are delicious. humor Christopher Moore
bae8100 Bad enough that getting turned on when he had nothing more than a bath towel to hide it would make the condition kind of hard to miss, but getting turned on in front of his ex-fiancee was akin to smearing honey on his junk and walking into grizzly territory. humor jock romance Heidi Betts
96cda17 "Nothing more likely,"said Hannasyde. "I've got to try and rattle him." "It's him that'll do the rattling,"said the Sergeant darkly. "he's the nearest thing to a snake I've seen outside of the Zoo." -- humor humour Georgette Heyer
8655b16 "Earnshaw is quite a famous name, thanks to Miss Bronte . I did not realise there were Earnshaws in this country." Mrs. Earnshaw gave a sharp nod. "Aye. And Heathcliffs and Eyres, as well. Proper little thieves, those Bronte girls." deanna-raybourn emily-bronte humor jane-eyre lady-julia-grey meta silent-on-the-moor the-brontes wuthering-heights Deanna Raybourn
8ad5de9 "For example, they recently had a piece on a character--I think his name was Ambrosio D'Urbervilles--whose "design statement" was to stuff an entire apartment from floor to ceiling with dark purple cottonballs. He called it "Portrait of a Dead Camel Dancing on the Roof of a Steambath." design humor Mark Helprin
52cc6a1 Why, on to the castle, to kill the royal family, and claim the throne that isn't mine by right! humor satire slapstick Richard Curtis
0da5b56 Jimmy Murray, you are an ass,' said Aunt Ruth, angrily. 'Well, we're cousins,' agreed Cousin Jimmy pleasantly. humor relations snipe wit L.M. Montgomery
713b514 "She's such a bitch," Tina says, which I find a little contradictory, but overall quite true. "She's got to be in charge of everything." I sit next to her. "Well, I guess. But in business, that's leadership." Tina stares at me for a second. "I can't believe you consider that a positive trait. How about her inability to accept other points of view? Is it good leadership to be narrow, too?" "Focus," I say. "They call that focus." Tina stares at me. "Her paranoia?" "Business savvy." "Compulsive need to have everything just how she wants it?" "Organizational skills." "Aggressiveness?" "Aggressiveness," I say, "is already a good thing." "Jesus Christ," Tina says, her eyebrow ring glinting in the morning sun. "Sometimes I worry about this country." business-culture humor Max Barry
8a82584 "I wish I had a dollar for every hour I've spent in the library," he always says. I have to agree- we'd probably never have to worry about money again." humor reading truth Gary Paulsen
dd4e616 "Mad! Quite mad!' said Stalky to the visitors, as one exhibiting strange beasts. 'Beetle reads an ass called Brownin', and M'Turk reads an ass called Ruskin; and-' 'Ruskin isn't an ass,' said M'Turk. 'He's almost as good as the Opium-Eater. He says we're "children of noble races, trained by surrounding art." That means me, and the way I decorated the study when you two badgers would have stuck up brackets and Christmas cards. Child of a noble race, trained by surrounding art, stop reading or I'll shove a pilchard down your neck!" humor Rudyard Kipling
0f41a21 ... were trying to tell the dumb blonde to close her mouth, but the woman clearly took her hair color very seriously. humor Sharon Green
2792f18 ...killing Dirk, killing anybody, was not going to change anything apart from Francisco's f***ing ego, which was already large enough to house the world's poor twice over, with a few million bourgeoisie in the spare-room. humor Hugh Laurie
46d95cc He was always inclined to read a fictitious sombreness into things when the shadows began to creep over the world and it was still too early for a cocktail. humor P.G. Wodehouse
ee7ddb3 "I'm getting my ass kicked by tiny faeries!" I shouted back, fumbling to start the car. "They've got my freaking number!" "Run away!" Bob giggled. "Run away! Tiny faeries!" growled in frustration and popped the Redcap's hat down over Bob. "Stop being a jerk. This is serious." Bob's voice was only barely muffled. It sounded like he couldn't breathe. "Serious! Tiny! Faeries! The m-m- mighty wizard Dresden!" faeries harry-dresden humor Jim Butcher
86d8c2d -- !Fuera de mi cabeza! --No puedo evitarlo. Estas transmitiendo tus pensamientos tan condenadamente fuerte, que siento que debo ir a sentarme en un rincon y comenzar a mecerme, susurrando el nombre de Daemon una y otra vez. funny humor saga-lux spanish Jennifer L. Armentrout
a72c040 Take your pick. It literally could be any one of those things and many, many more. It's hard to live a morally good life when you have a propensity for shenanigans. humor T.J. Klune
ddabd08 Eventually, mercifully, the waitress prised the spoons out of our hands and took the dessert stuff away, and we were able to stumble zombielike out into the night. humor Bill Bryson
26a651c Bernard: ... By the way, Valentina, do you want credit? - 'the game book recently discovered by.'? Valentine: It was never lost, Bernard. Bernard: 'As recently pointed out by.' I don't normally like giving credit where it's due, but with scholarly articles as with divorce, there is a certain cachet in citing a member of the aristocracy. I'll pop it in ad lib for the lecture, and give you a mention in the press release. How's that? Valentine: Very kind. citation-protocol humor Tom Stoppard
6f1e509 Breath Properly, Stay Curious, and Always Eat Your Beets! humor jitterbug-perfume tom-robbins Tom Robbins
b60aefe Sandwiches,' she said, 'like diamonds, are forever. humor Muriel Spark
c0c309a Thank goodness there were people who were happy with nothing, thought Julia, so that people like her (and everyone else she had ever met) could have humor Edward St. Aubyn
5504d2b Elders of the Creedish church made celibacy sound as easy as choosing not to play basketball. Just say no. celibacy humor no Chuck Palahniuk
8a50194 Moeller, who has tasted a naked Cheeto, likens it to a piece of unsweetened puffed corn cereal humor Mary Roach
20b15c1 I was just, uh...looking at your bush. humor Cassie Mae
f77f061 "People realize that a life that had seemed enjoyable (travel, social life, romance) and fulfilling (work) was actually empty and meaningless. So they urge you to join the child-rearing party: they want you to share the riches, the pleasures, the joys. Or so they claim. I suspect that hey just want to share and spread the misery. (The knowledge that someone is at liberty or has escaped makes the pain of incarceration doubly hard to bear). Of all the arguments for having children, the suggestion that it gives life 'meaning' is the one to which I am most hostile--apart from all the others" (201)." humor life-lessons Geoff Dyer
20dd246 Feeling extremely foolish, the acting representative of Homo sapiens watched his First Contact stride away across the Raman plain, totally indifferent to his presence. humor science-fiction scifi space Arthur C. Clarke
a0952d9 Water!' cried Marie. 'Vinegar!' recommended the bell-boy. 'Eu-de-Cologne!' said Bill. 'Pepper!' said Lord Tidmouth. Mary had another suggestion. 'Give her air!' So had the bell-boy. 'Slap her hands!' Lord Tidmouth went further. 'Sit on her head!' he advised. cure doctor help humor remedy treatment P.G. Wodehouse
b2a854e "Can I cuddle up with you when you sleep?" Sma stopped, detached the creature from her shoulder with one hand and stared it in the face. "What?" "Just for chumminess' sake," the little thing said, yawning wide and blinking. "I'm not being rude; it's a good bonding procedure." Sma was aware of Skaffen-Amtiskaw glowing red just behind her. She brought the yellow and brown device closer to her face. "Listen, Xenophobe--" "Xeny." "Xeny. You are a million-ton starship. A Torturer class Rapid Offensive Unit. Even--" "But I'm demilitarized!" "Even without your principle armament, I bet you could waste planets if you wanted to--" "Aw, come on; any silly GCU can do that!" "So what's all this shit for?" She shook the furry little remote drone, quite hard. Its teeth chattered. "It's for a laugh!" it cried. "Sma, don't you appreciate a joke?" "I don't know. Do you appreciate being drop-kicked back to the accommodation area?" "Ooh! What's your problem, lady? Have you got something against small furry animals, or what?" Look Ms. Sma, I know very well I'm a ship, and I do everything I'm asked to do--including taking you to this frankly rather fuzzily specified destination--and do it very efficiently, too. If there was the slightest sniff of any real action, and I had to start acting like a warship, this construct in your hands would go lifeless and limp immediately, and I'd battle as ferociously and decisively as I've been trained to. Meanwhile, like my human colleagues, I amuse myself harmlessly. If you really hate my current appearance, all right; I'll change it; I'll be an ordinary drone, or just a disembodied voice, or talk to you through Skaffen-Amtiskaw here, or through your personal terminal. The last thing I want is to offend a guest." Sma pursed her lips. She patted the thing on its head and sighed. "Fair enough." "I can keep this shape?" "By all means." "Oh goody!" It squirmed with pleasure, then opened its big eyes wide and looked hopefully at her. "Cuddle?" "Cuddle." Sma cuddled it, patted its back. She turned to see Skaffen-Amtiskaw lying dramatically on its back in midair, its aura field flashing the lurid orange that was used to signal Sick Drone in Extreme Distress." humor kawaii Iain M. Banks
bb5a5fd Look, Neal, Hawaii is not some magical pixie wonderland; it's an American state populated by atomic weapons, a remnant native population and people too stupid to spell their way out of a paper bag. Most of them came here to escape pathetic lives in the forty nine other states, so in some sense, Hawaii is a scenic cul-de-sac filled with people who want to drink themselves to death without feeling judged. humor ugly-truths Douglas Coupland
3459e19 My colleague and I are journalists. ... Not of the muckraking variety, I hasten to assure you! Corruption is a necessary and time-honored concomitant of any functioning government, which we support wholeheartedly. government-corruption humor Michael Swanwick
24ee79d I mean, here we are in LA. The home of celebrities. They're the local natural phenomenon. Everyone knows you come to LA to see the celebrities, like you go to Sri Lanka to see the elephants. funny humor Sophie Kinsella
e8aa1e8 A stab had clearly once been made at de-uglifying these public spaces by painting a corridor a jaunty yellow. This was because, it turned out, babies come here to have their brains tested and someone thought the yellow might calm them. But I couldn't see how. Such was the oppressive ugliness of this building it would have been like sticking a red nose on a cadaver and calling it Ronald McDonald. buildings cadaver humor oppression oppressive ronald-mcdonald ugliness Jon Ronson
eb98edc "Costis, I am speechless!" "Not noticeably, Your Majesty." humor Megan Whalen Turner
aad7166 "Dorothy asked timidly: "Did his wife say anything? "She sent her love to you." Nora said: "Stop being nasty." humor infidelity Dashiell Hammett
598b9ac New Rule: Instead of using their $10 billion atom-smashing Large Hadron Collider to re-create the Big Bang by melting atom parts in temperatures a million times hotter than the sun, scientists should do that. I'm just sayin' it sounds dangerous. I'm as interested as the next guy in determining the origin of matter, but first couldn't we solve some simple mystery, like why some-detector batteries always die at four a.m.? humor large-hadron-collider science Bill Maher
38dfe1d In fact, I can't think of much I'd like better than for him to step into the room right now, glasses fogged and smelling of damp wool, shaking the rain from his hair like an old dog and saying: 'Dickie, my boy, what you got for a thirsty old man to drink tonight? donna-tartt horror humor life ocd the-secret-history Donna Tartt
135f202 "Claiming "the budget can't allow it" reminds me of when you walk into a restaurant at a civilized hour like ten o'clock and they say "the kitchen is closed." For years I would hear this, and think, "damn, just a little too late, oh well, thank you, I guess it's Denny's again." And then one day it hit me: kitchens don't . Just as at home, at a certain point in the night, I stop the kitchen--but at three in the morning, if I want to, I still have the ability to go downstairs and "re-open" the kitchen by turning on the stove and opening the refrigerator! Restaurants are not banks; at the stroke of ten an enormous airlock doesn't seal off the kitchen and render the preparation of food an utter ./ No, kitchens can open and budgets are what certain people say they are." analogy budget budget-cuts budgeting economy humor impossible possible Bill Maher
cbcfc14 He said he talked to Jesus all the time. Even when he was driving his car. That killed me. I just see the big phony bastard shifting into first gear and asking Jesus to send him a few more stiffs. humor J.D. Salinger
214e1fa Robert explained how much simpler it was to pay money for things than to exchange them as the people were doing in the market. Later on the soldier gave the coins to his captain, who, later still, showed them to Pharaoh, who of course kept them and was much struck with the idea. That was really how coins first came to be used in Egypt. You will not believe this, I daresay, but really, if you believe the rest of the story, I don't see why you shouldn't believe this as well. egypt fantasy humor E. Nesbit
9e9c9db Being dead means never having to do anything sneaky. humor sneaky Lawrence Block
49eeaa4 "I have never been able to understand how men can feel affection for individuals who are intent on massacring them in a variety of unpleasant ways, but it is an undeniable fact that they can and do. Witness the immortal verse of Mr. Kipling: "So 'ere's to you, Fuzzy-Wuzzy, at your 'home in the Soudan; You're a pore benighted 'eathen but a first-class fightin' man!" One can only accept this as another example of the peculiar emotional aberrations of the male sex." aggressiveness humor inexplicable-ways machismo men power warlike Elizabeth Peters
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