Site uses cookies to provide basic functionality.

OK
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 ▲ ▼
Link Quote Stars Tags Author
d14cac7 No one, I fancy, would discredit a story that the Archbishop of Canterbury slipped on a banana skin merely because he found that a similar comic mishap had been reported of many people, and especially of elderly gentlemen of dignity. humor J.R.R. Tolkien
e7a5619 "He smiled at me, turning into the old Sean Evans. The transformation was so sudden, I blinked to make sure I didn't imagine it. "Because you're a carebear." humor ilona-andrews sean-evans Ilona Andrews
d1e8f95 "I had this guy's file pulled this morning, along with the rest of your neighbors. His name is Desperado." Pause. A few seconds passed. He was waiting for my reaction. "Did you say Desperado?" I couldn't stop the snort of laughter that bubbled to the surface. "Yeah," the Director confirmed. "He changed his name when he turned eighteen. It was Melvin." I was still laughing. "'Cause Desperado is so much better than Melvin." fantasy fiction humor joseph-carter keepers novella timeless-series tom-morris ya Laura Kreitzer
9b709a6 New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures of Britney Spears's vagina getting out of a car. Television has desensitizes us to violence, and porn has desensitized us to people getting shot in the eye. culture humor osama-bin-laden porn violence Bill Maher
6563cb5 There had been a time in high school, see, when I wrestled with the possibility that I might be gay, a torturous six-month culmination of years of unpopularity and girllessness. At night I lay in bed and cooly informed myself that I was gay and that I had better get used to it. The locker room became a place of torment, full of exposed male genitalia that seemed to taunt me with my failure to avoid glancing at them, for a fraction of a second that might have seemed accidental but was, I recognized, a bitter symptom of my perversion. Bursting with typical fourteen-year-old desire, I attempted to focus it in succession on the thought of every boy I knew, hoping to find some outlet for my horniness, even if it had to be perverted, secret, and doomed to disappointment. Without exception these attempts failed to produce anything but bemusement, if not actual disgust. This crisis of self-esteem had been abruptly dispelled by the advent of Julie Lefkowitz, followed swiftly by her sister Robin, and then Sharon Horne and little Rose Fagan and Jennifer Schaeffer; but I never forgot my period of profound sexual doubt. Once in a while I would meet an enthralling man who shook, dimly but perceptibley, the foundations laid by Julie Lefkowitz, and I would wonder, just for a moment, by what whim of fate I had decided that I was not a homosexual. humor Michael Chabon
39bbd29 New Rule: Stop calling bagpipes a musical instrument. They're actually a Scottish Breathalyzer test. You blow into one end, and if the sound that comes out the other end doesn't make you want to kill yourself--you're not drunk enough. humor music Bill Maher
7fd0a54 A new doctor had been sent for, Lazzaro of Pavia, who had administered to Lorenzo a pulverized mixture of diamonds and pearls. This hitherto infallible medicine had failed to help. humor medicine Irving Stone
fb02438 New Rule: Stop putting psychedelic screensavers on computers. I sit down to check my e-mail, and the next thing I know it's three days later, I'm in the desert, I'm banging on a drum, I'm naked, and somebody's pierced my dick. humor technology Bill Maher
72e2f3f "In lieu of Tasers, you'll have to hit me. Hard as you can. Then maybe some kind of fight-or-flight response will kick in and I'll turn into a bat to get away from you." "Fight or flight." "Yes." "Only half of that is flight." humor humour paranormal supernatural transformation vampires Adam Rex
a8732cd At the departure gate, a drunken airport security woman was handing out box cutters to the passengers. drunkenness humor security Warren Ellis
7fb8911 Of course, when you shut off your brain from rational analysis, book is dangerous. Taking literally ancient parables from thousands of years ago is much more dangerous than playing with a loaded gun. Ancient scrawls, written by different authors in different centuries with different agendas--yeah, let's get mad literal about . The literalness problem is compounded in religion by the circular logic of not being allowed to question anything, or else you're lacking faith. biblical-literalism humor literalism logic rationality religion Bill Maher
3baec90 "I keep thinking, well, this'll settle down. It's bound to level off and settle down. But it doesn't. Even when things are just going smooth and we're just....living, I can look at you, and I've got no breath left." "Every minute with you, I'm alive. I never knew before there were pieces of me unborn, just waiting for you. I'm alive with you, Eve" She sighted, touched his cheek. "We'd better get out of here. We're getting mush all over the pool." humor romance J.D. Robb
dd1660d "A diamond may be forever, but terrorism, promiscuously funded, will be too. Let's make the connection clearly by tracing the path of the diamond. Diamonds start out in the earth, and eventually that earth is part of a country, like Sierra Leone, Angola, or the Democratic Republic of Congo. In those countries, desperate battles for control have been going on for decades, and the armies that fight the battles finance their ambitions with diamonds. Villagers are forced to mine the diamonds by ruthless rebels who maintain order through terror: by raping women and hacking off the limbs of the children, something, by the way, you never see in the De Beers ads. The rebels then smuggle the diamonds into neighboring dictatorships in exchange for guns and cash. There the diamonds are sold to the highest bidder--whether they be terrorists or "legitimate" dealers--and finally they're laundered in Europe, shipped to America, and end up in jewelry stores where they're purchased by men and given to women in exchange for oral sex. In the feminized world we live in, it's practically national policy that women are more evolved that men--but if that's so, how come they're still so impressed by shiny objects?" humor war-on-terror women Bill Maher
dc26838 "He runs his eye along the row of knives in their racks, the cleavers for splitting bones. He picks one up, looks at its edge, decides it needs sharpening and says, "Do you think I look like a murderer? In your good opinion?" A silence. After a while, Thurston proffers, "At this moment, master, I would have to say..." humor knives murder murderers Hilary Mantel
7b3d3c7 "I will leave the making of law to you, brother," Prince Baelon declared, "I would sooner make sons." crown-prince fire-and-blood humor jape making-law making-love targaryens George R.R. Martin
7e8b4b7 I asked. SImon said. Derek said. Simon glanced at me. Derek rolled his eyes. humor locked-up simon tools Kelley Armstrong
925f225 When my mother passed away several years ago--well, wait a minute. Actually, she didn't 'pass away.' She died. Something about that verb, 'to pass away' always sounds to me as if someone just drifted through the wallpaper. No, my mother did not pass away. She definitely died. death euphemism humor Steve Allen
fce676c "Nora was eating a piece of cold duck with one hand and working on a jig-saw puzzle with the other when I got home. "I thought you'd gone to live with her," she said. "You used to be a detective: find me a brownish piece shaped something like a snail with a long neck." "Piece of duck or puzzle?..." humor puzzles Dashiell Hammett
7fde3bd My, my, aren't we upper class and therefore faultlessly grammatical. humor Sharon Green
7cd5288 As many as thirty or as few as ten years later, lying exhausted and still, eyes open in the dark long after the three suns of Rakhat had set, no longer bleeding, past the vomiting, enough beyond the shock to think again, it would occur to Emilio Sandoz to wonder if perhaps that day int he Sudan was really only part of the setup for a punchline a life-time in the making. It was an odd thought, under the circumstances. He understood that, even at the time. But thinking it, he realized with appalling clarity that on his journey of discovery as a Jesuit, he had not merely been the first human being to set foot on Rhakhat, had not simply explored parts of its largest continent and learned two of its languages and loved some of its people. He had also discovered the outermost limit of faith and, in doing so had located the exact boundary of despair. It was at that moment that he learned, truly, to fear God. faith fear god humor joke Mary Doria Russell
db3a6c5 "The twelve jurors were all writing very busily on the slates. "What are they doing?" Alice whispered to the Gryphon. "They can't have anything to put down yet, before the trial's begun." "They're putting down their names," the Gryphon whispered in reply, "for fear they should forget them before the end of the trial." humor philisophical Lewis Carroll
da9fa08 We live and we die and anything else is just delusion. it's just passive chick bullshit about feelings and sensitivity. Just made-up subjective emotional crap. There is no soul. There is no God. There's just decisions and disease and death. death humor life-and-death Chuck Palahniuk
da88d4f Saliva mucusque humor matilda mucus spit Karen Cushman
e310155 Everything had been going so well, he'd had it really under his thumb these few centuries. That's how it goes, you think you're on top of the world, and suddenly they spring Armageddon on you. crowley humor Neil Gaiman
6dbb05f "My side felt a lot better when Nora called me at noon the next day. "My nice policeman wants to see you," she said. "How do you feel?" "Terrible. I must've gone to bed sober." I pushed Asta out of the way and got up." humor Dashiell Hammett
c5eaba2 Hi, you've reached Caitlin! I'm either on the other line or I'm purposely ignoring you. Or maybe Mrs. Mitchell confiscated my phone for texting in class again... Leave a message and if I deem you worthy, or at least hot, I'll call you back. Mwah! friendship humor mari-mancusi nice-voicemail scorched voicemail Mari Mancusi
c5409f9 The brontosaurus had thirty-ton body and a two-ounce brain. The anatosaurus had two thousand teeth. Triceratops had a helmet of filled bone seven feet long. Tyrannosaurus rex had tiny arms and teeth like six-inch razors and it was elected President. It ate everything--dead meat, living meat, old bones-- humor politics John Updike
e97d7bd I agreed to keep the cards a secret and asked my grandmother if she believed in magic. She said she did not but that, surprisingly, magic worked even if you did not believe in it. humor magic trust Michael Chabon
ebce98c "Kaitlin said, "I'm so sick of that 'Greatest Generation' crap. We finally drove a silver nail through the heart of Generation X, only to have this new monster rear its head. And I'm soooooo sick of Tom Hanks looking earnest all the time. They should make a Tom Hanks movie where Tom kills off Greatest Generation figureheads one by one." Bree arrived on cue: "And then he starts killing other generations. He becomes this supernova of hate--all he wants to do is destroy." "Hate clings to him like a rich, lathery shampoo. His lungs secrete it like anthrax foam." Mom lost it. "Stop it! All of you! Tom Hanks is a fine actor who would never hurt anybody. At least not onscreen." I thought, 'Hey, didn't Tom Hanks mow down half of Chicago in "Road to Perdition?"' Well, whatever." humor tom-hanks Douglas Coupland
edf3446 "You took your clothes off?" "You didn't notice?" "No! Jeez Louise, I don't even know you." "If you look under the covers, you'll know me better." "I don't want to know you better!" "That's a big fib," Diesel said." humor humorous love wicked-appetite Janet Evanovich
b2a48d0 Have any sheep been seen walking out of the Library with seagoing adventurers clinging to their wool? humor witty Lindsey Davis
b29de03 "Ebenezar blinked . Then he turned his face to me his expression clearly asking whether or not I was out of my damned mind . "Wile E. Coyote" I said to him soberly . "Suuuuuuper Genius" humor Jim Butcher
b24a778 Low ceiling, stone walls, a dirt floor stamped with paw prints. I never go in without announcing myself. 'Hyaa!' I yell. 'Hyaa. Hyaa!' It's the sound my father makes when entering his toolshed, the cry of cowboys as they round up dogies, and it suggests a certain degree of authority. Snakes, bats, weasels --it's time to head up and move on out. humor scared David Sedaris
833dd19 "Percy, you are dismissed from my service." "Me? Why, my lord?" "Why? Because, Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly, and the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a funny codpiece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. That's why you're dismissed." "Oh, I see." "And as for you, Baldrick..." "Yes." "You're out, too." historical humor insult satire Richard Curtis
f520886 this isn't so much romance as it is opportunity [victor mancini] human-relationships humor life love Chuck Palahniuk
e25f441 "No," he said hoarsely, "the chair will do just fine, thank you." "If I know you are uncomfortable, I shan't be able to sleep." She sounded remarkably like a damsel in distress. Dunford shuddered. He had never been able to resist playing hero. Slowly he got to his feet and walked to the empty side of the bed. How bad could it be?" hero humor Julia Quinn
e0204e9 Puddings, my dear sir?' cried Graham. Puddings. We trice 'em athwart the starboard gumbrils, when sailing by and large. humor jargon maturin nautical Patrick O'Brian
f96ea15 This 'web of discourses' as Robyn called it...is as much a biological product as any of the other constructions to be found in the animal world. (Clothes too, are part of the extended phenotype of Homo Sapiens almost every niche inhabited by that species.An illustrated encyclopedia of zoology should no more picture Homo Sapiens naked than it should picture Ursus arctus-the black bear- wearing a clown suit and riding a bicycle. dennett humor philosophy philosophy-of-mind science Daniel C. Dennett
f9817c6 What were you supposed to do, talking to a hologram of a dead man, when a younger version of that man was still alive? Should you offer condolences? Jordan decided that really wasn't necessary. holograms humor Margaret Peterson Haddix
f99a191 And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it's us against the world. cute humor real-time-with-bill-maher Bill Maher
860d9d8 "Do you know what I think?" Marcone said. "You think we should shoot Nicodemus in the back at the first opportunity and let Michael dismember him." "Yes." I drew my gun. "Okay." humor pragmatism Jim Butcher
1393e84 Volvos are fundamentally invisible. funny humor invisible john-sandford mgg michele-cook outrage the-singular-menace volvos John Sandford
7a08ab0 "Alice opened the door when I rang. She had on green pyjamas and held a hairbrush in one hand. She looked wearily at Quinn and spoke wearily: "Bring it in." I took it in and spread it on a bed. It mumbled something I could not make out and moved one hand feebly back and forth, but its eyes stayed shut." funny humor Dashiell Hammett
71360fa Why was it, she sometimes wondered, that in dreams we can't do the simplest things? Like a crying puppy is standing on some broken glass and you want to pick it up and brush the shards off its pads but you can't because you're balancing a ball on your head. Or you're driving and there's this old guy on crutches and you go, to Mr. Feder, your Driver's Ed teacher, Should I swerve? And he's like, Uh, probably. But then you hear this big clunk and Feder makes a negative mark in his book. humor George Saunders
8e804a9 "Kid, I've only known you two days and I've seen you plastered three times." He shook his head. "A bar would not be a good career move for you." humor Jennifer Crusie
6b58fd2 "His gaze settled on her mouth. "Have you been kissed before, inspector?" "Why?" If he wanted virgin lips, she'd claim to have serviced an army. "If it's your first, I'll do it differently." "You won't do it at all." "Yes, I will." humor kissing Meljean Brook
691b05b "You don't have to say a thing except yes. You don't have to do anything, either, I'm quite willing to plan it all." "You?" "Yes me." "You'd plan all of it? Even the wedding?" "Why not?" "You don't even like to plan your own breakfast." He grinned. "You mean more to me tban bacon." "More than [i]bacon?[/i] I'm honored." "You should be, my foolish pea brain." historical-romance humor hurst-amulet karen-hawkins romance Karen Hawkins
4dd3a58 "Of course, we in the West like to pat ourselves on the back and say we're more tolerant, and we are--but tolerance is not the same thing as acceptance. It just means, "We think you're crazy and going to hell, but we won't kill you for it--we'll you. But you don't know who the Man in the Sky is, and we do." humor religion religious-tolerance tolerance Bill Maher
3ed41ea "Rachel got up and did this happy little shuffle, like she was some cheerful farmer chick who'd just stepped outside to find the hick she was in love with coming up the road with a calf under his arm or whatever. dancing happiness humor George Saunders
3eb4dcd "I'll meet you tomorrow morning at ten in your office, and explain everything. In the meantime, go home and get some sleep." "I have a meeting with McConnell and Baroja tomorrow at ten A.M. to review some procedures," he said. Now, that was the J.B. I knew. Never mind the demon attack; procedures needed reviewing." -- demons humor paranormal Christina Henry
978d649 There's just one thing I want you to remember. You know those chemicals women have in them, when they've got PMS? Well, men have the very same chemicals in them all the time. humor Margaret Atwood
3930d89 New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he's supposed to pee, there's a couch. humor pets Bill Maher
387754d Araminta had generally considered the laws of etiquette as the rules of the chase, and divided them into categories: those which everyone broke, all the time; those which one could not break without being frowned at; and those which caused one to be quietly and permanently left out of every future invitation to the field. decorum etiquette humor observations Naomi Novik
3783ca4 I sleep on my face, and then it does not frighten anybody in the morning. humor ugly Ernest Hemingway
3588109 Will you dance for me? Let your breasts roam for a moment -- I need to see how they dance.' 'Okay.' She danced, and as she danced, she tried to think of the most delicious salads she could imagine -- with artichokes and sundried tomato and blue cheese dressing, and beets, lots of beets. beets erotica food humor salad sex vegetarianism Nicholson Baker
2e289b2 Bouncer, recognizing a well-wisher, got up, and thrust his cold, wet nose under her hand, assuming as he did so the soulful expression of a dog who takes but a benevolent interest in cats, livestock, and stray visitors. dogs-in-regency-novels humor humour Georgette Heyer
a24ff8c Filial respect caused Grey to hesitate in passing ex post facto opinions on his mother's judgment, but after half an hour in the company of either Paul or Edgar, he could not escape a lurking suspicion that a just Providence, seeing the DeVanes so well endowed with physical beauty, had determined that there was no reason to spoil the work by adding intelligence to the mix. humor lord-john Diana Gabaldon
2dea6a3 Properly cared for, a Savile Row suit can be handed down the generations--like gout. humor savile-row tailoring Ben Schott
2d2cd59 "Key Rabbit, allow me to bore you with a comparison of your wife and a beautiful woman," I said. "In the morning a beauty must lie in bed for three or four hours gathering strength for another mighty battle with Nature. Then, after being bathed and toweled by her maids, she loosens her hair in the Cascade of Teasing Willows Style, paints her eyebrows in the Distant Mountain Range Style, anoints herself with the Nine Bends of the River Diving-water Perfume, applies rouge, mascara, and eye shadow, and covers the whole works with a good two inches of the Powder of the Nonchalant Approach. Then she dresses in a plum-blossom patterned tunic with matching skirt and stockings, adds four or five pounds of jewelry, looks in the mirror for any visible sign of humanity and is relieved to find none, checks her makeup to be sure that it has hardened into an immovable mask, sprinkles herself with the Hundred Ingredients Perfume of the Heavenly Spirits who Descended in the Rain Shower, and minces with tiny steps toward the new day. Which, like any other day, will consist of gossip and giggles." beauty-queens humor Barry Hughart
2a24cf4 We took up a collection and sent a telegram to the authorities of that town. The text of the message was that eighty-five healthy, hungry hoboes would arrive about noon and that it would be a good idea to have dinner ready for them. humor Jack London
27f8383 "The snores alone were quite a study, varying from the mild sniff to the stentorian snort, which startled the echoes and hoisted the performer erect to accuse his neighbor of the deed, magnanimously forgive him, and wrapping the drapery of his couch about him, lie down to vocal slumber. After listening for a week to this band of wind instruments, I indulged in the belief that I could recognize each by the snore alone, and was tempted to join the chorus by breaking out with John Brown's favorite hymn: "Blow ye the trumpet, blow!" -- humor Louisa May Alcott
276c4a7 "It is hardly lonely in a nunnery, son, with other women. And God is there." Morgause said, "I would rather dwell in a hermitage in the forest than in a house full of chattering ladies! If God is there, it must be hard for him to get a word in edgewise!" humor nuns women Marion Zimmer Bradley
23e11cd "Sebastian looked alarmed at her stiffness, but Eric took it in and chuckled. "Riding astride would have been easier," he said. "You put twice the strain on yourself with that unnatural position." "Oh, I know," she replied with a grimace. "Every muscle told me about it this morning, and I actually DID have a hot soak before I went to bed." Sebastian looked blankly at the two of them for a moment, then blinked and looked relieved. "Oh, you're saddle sore! I'm sorry--" bella eric five-hundred-kingdoms humor mercedes-lackey sebastian Mercedes Lackey
22d71db Even Mongo liked him, although Mongo likes everybody. (Also Mongo was so thrilled with himsel for staying in the dog bed till I'd released him that was going to blow his mood.) humor Robin McKinley
b0fd7fe America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaking helpings of disaster that no man or plan can prevent. humor Bill Maher
b103865 My Precioussss! -Gollum humor j-r-r-tolkien movie precious the-hobbit J.R.R. Tolkien
225fa38 Never get old. It's a ridiculously uncomfortable process Ath Creator should be made to find a cure for. humor Janny Wurts
218b583 Constipation ran Presley's life. Even his famous motto TCB-- 'Taking Care of Business'-- sounds like a reference to bathroom matters. humor science song Mary Roach
203e6a6 "New Rule: Designers of women's Halloween costumes must admit that they're not even trying. They just choose a random profession, like nurse or referee, and put the word "sexy" in front of it, thereby perpetuating the idea of Halloween as a day when normally shy women release their inner sluts and parade around like vixens, and I just completely forgot what I was complaining about." humor Bill Maher
2002962 The law enforcement in this town is terrific. All through prohibition Eddie Mars' place was a night club and they had two uniformed men in the lobby every night-to see that the guests didn't bring their own liquor instead of buying it from the house. humor noir-fiction Raymond Chandler
1eb51c8 New Rule: Don't name your kid after a ballpark. Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their newborn son Wrigley. Wrigley Fields. A child is supposed to be an independent individual, not a means of touting your own personal hobbies. At least that's what I've always taught my kids, Panama Red and Jacuzzi. bad-decisions baseball chicago chicago-cubs children humor names naming parenting parents sports sports-fans Bill Maher
1d80198 We made it back to the airport without getting mugged, stoned, shot at, pounced on, bombed, shelled, garroted, gassed, pitched into, caught in a cross fire, sniped at, blockaded, napalmed, or trip-wired. No one even hit us with a water balloon. funny humor ishmael Daniel Quinn
c8088bd Considerable thought was given in early Congresses to the possibility of renaming the country. From the start, many people recognized that United States of America was unsatisfactory. For one thing, it allowed of no convenient adjectival form. A citizen would have to be either a United Statesian or some other such clumsy locution, or an American, thereby arrogating to ourselves a title that belonged equally to the inhabitants of some three dozen other nations on two continents. Several alternatives to America were actively considered -Columbia, Appalachia, Alleghania, Freedonia or Fredonia (whose denizens would be called Freeds or Fredes)- but none mustered sufficient support to displace the existing name. humor language Bill Bryson
143cbe7 "New Rule: Let the Pope be Pope. An animal-rights group in Italy has asked Pope Benedict to give up his fur-trimmed cape and hat. To which the Pope replied, "Don't be hatin' on my cape, bitch." Sorry, but Popes are the original divas, they invented bling, they've been wearing outlandish outfits for a thousand years--almost as long as Elton John. The clothes, the jewels, the fancy palace...Those aren't just symbols of the Papacy, they are the Papacy. The day the Pope shows up on the balcony in a pair of jeans and polo shirt is the day a billion Catholics go, "What the hell were we thinking?" humor religion Bill Maher
12c4454 "The King's Hand should have a hand," the Hand said "I will not have men speaking of the King's Stump" humor jape king kingdom George R.R. Martin
cc8b5e7 "... zebra crossings were rather like Bosnia's "safe zones": places where, if you die, you may simply die with the knowledge that your killer was in the wrong." humor pedestrian Lucy Wadham
cde214a Crazy people who are judged to be harmless are allowed an enormous amount of freedom ordinary people are denied freedom humor identity Katherine Paterson
0f46af0 "From that original colony sprang seven names that still feature on the landscape: Roanoke (which has the distinction of being the first Indian word borrowed by English settlers), Cape Fear, Cape Hatteras, the Chowan and Neuse Rivers, Chesapeake, and Virginia. (Previously, Virginia had been called Windgancon, meaning "what gay clothes you wear" - apparently what the locals had replied when an early reconnoitering party had asked the place's name.)" humor language Bill Bryson
d35f8fe Captain Harcourt-Bruce was not only dashing, handsome, and brave, he was also rather romantic. The reappearance of magic in England thrilled him immensely. He was a great reader of the more exciting sort of history - and his head was full of ancient battles in which the English were outnumbered by the French and doomed to die, when all at once would be heard the sound of strange, unearthly music, and upon a hilltop would appear the Raven King in his tall, black helmet with it's mantling of raven-feathers streaming in the wind; he would gallop down the hillside on his tall, black horse with a hundred human knights and a hundred fairy knights at his back, and he would defeat the French by magic. That was Captain Harcourt-Bruce's idea of a magician. That was the sort of thing which he now expected to see reproduced on every battlefield on the Continent. So when he saw Mr Norrell in his drawing-room in Hanoversquare, and after he had sat and watched Mr Norrell peevishly complain to his footman, first that the cream in his tea was too creamy, and next that it was too watery - well, I shall not surprize you when I say he was somewhat disappointed. In fact he was so downcast by the whole undertaking that Admiral Paycocke, a bluff old gentleman, felt rather sorry for him and only had the heart to laugh at him and tease him very moderately about it. humor magic magician tea Susanna Clarke
d62e556 The use of charm as a tool made her hackles rise. She respected a more direct approach. A battering ram approach. At least one knew where one stood with the battering ram, none of this butter-wouldn't-melt nonsense that could mean yes, no, or maybe. directness humor Lauren Willig
d63007d You have a nice day, you hear? deadlocked dermot humor Charlaine Harris
0da259b "He made my life hell. Him and Tonto over there." Daniel glared toward Nick. "Poor little Clay. He has problems. He's had a tough life. You should be nice to him. You should make friends with him. That's all I ever heard. All they saw was a cute little runt of a wolf cub. He bared his teeth and they thought it was cute. He ordered us around like a miniature Napoleon and they thought it was cute. Well, it wasn't cute from where I was standing. It was--" I held up my hand. "You're ranting." "What?" "Just wanted to let you know. You're ranting. It's kinda ugly. Next thing you know, you'll be laying out your plans for world domination. That's what all villains do after they rant about their motivation. I was hoping you'd be different." elena-michaels humor world-domination Kelley Armstrong
0d53659 Please note, I am not suggesting that illicit drugs are required to break down social barriers. humor Thomas C. Foster
e202d39 Teachers were not allowed to beat children as they did in the past, although, Mma Ramotswe reflected, there were some boys-and indeed some young men-who might have been greatly improved by moderate physical correction. The apprentices, for example: would it help if Mr. J.L.B. Matekoni resorted to physical chastisement-nothing severe, of course-but just an occasional kick in the seat of the pants while they were bending over to change a tyre or something like that? The thought made her smile. She would even offer to administer the kick herself, which she imagined might be oddly satisfying, as one of the apprentices, the one who still kept on about girls, had a largeish bottom which she thought would be quite comfortable to kick. How enjoyable it would be to creep up behind him and kick him when he was least expecting it, and then to say: Let that be a lesson! That was all one would have to say, but it would be a blow for women everywhere. blow bottom humor kick women Alexander McCall Smith
031dac9 If [his] peace of mind depended on me promising to be a sweet and careful little girl, he'd be smart to get used to chaos. domination humor Sharon Green
8305d98 "I'm going to need to save you." "Excuse me? No one needs-" "I'm saving you, so shut up and be grateful." humor Kelley Armstrong
831e0f9 " Corey said. Hayley turned on Tori. Corey said. I asked Corey. "Bossy, isn't she?" Tori said. Corey said with a grin." cute flirt hayley humor tori Kelley Armstrong
0e760f6 A lack of communication with horses has impeded human progress, said Abrenuncio. If we ever broke down the barriers, we could produce the centaur horses humor Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez
2b9fe73 Here they go cruising for a fortnight up in parts where everyone is dead of radiation, and all that they can catch is measles! disease humor illness measles radioactivity submarines Nevil Shute
5360afd Be honest with yourself; set the alarm for the time the Real You will get up, not the Ambitious You, because the Ambitious You doesn't really exist. funny humor life mornings sleep Laurie Notaro
1eeb002 When presented with a member of the opposite sex, some of us get numbers and some of us throw up. dating humor nervousness Daria Snadowsky
0f41a21 ... were trying to tell the dumb blonde to close her mouth, but the woman clearly took her hair color very seriously. humor Sharon Green
bb5a5fd Look, Neal, Hawaii is not some magical pixie wonderland; it's an American state populated by atomic weapons, a remnant native population and people too stupid to spell their way out of a paper bag. Most of them came here to escape pathetic lives in the forty nine other states, so in some sense, Hawaii is a scenic cul-de-sac filled with people who want to drink themselves to death without feeling judged. humor ugly-truths Douglas Coupland
24ee79d I mean, here we are in LA. The home of celebrities. They're the local natural phenomenon. Everyone knows you come to LA to see the celebrities, like you go to Sri Lanka to see the elephants. funny humor Sophie Kinsella
0475c4f I often calculate odds on horse races; the civil service computermen frequently program such requests. But the results are so at variance with expectations that I have concluded either that the data is too meager, or the horses or riders are not honest. Possibly all three. horse-race humor Robert A. Heinlein
1098f78 I waved back and went in, and began to sort my way through ancient building plans that had been rolled up so long that straightening them out was like six bouts with an octopus. humor Dick Francis
1cfef69 For a time Emerson politely endeavored to conceal his boredom - like most men, he is profoundly disinterested in all children except his own - ... humor men Elizabeth Peters
1cfd336 Bet you've never had a bear down your pants before. Though I'm kind of a bear in bed. (Rick from Back to Basics) humor sweet-romance Erin McCarthy
e8aa1e8 A stab had clearly once been made at de-uglifying these public spaces by painting a corridor a jaunty yellow. This was because, it turned out, babies come here to have their brains tested and someone thought the yellow might calm them. But I couldn't see how. Such was the oppressive ugliness of this building it would have been like sticking a red nose on a cadaver and calling it Ronald McDonald. buildings cadaver humor oppression oppressive ronald-mcdonald ugliness Jon Ronson
ae83d97 The Chairman glared across three hundred and eighty thousand kilometers of space at Conrad Taylor, who reluctantly subsided, like a volcano biding its time. humor science science-fiction scifi space Arthur C. Clarke
2792f18 ...killing Dirk, killing anybody, was not going to change anything apart from Francisco's f***ing ego, which was already large enough to house the world's poor twice over, with a few million bourgeoisie in the spare-room. humor Hugh Laurie
135f202 "Claiming "the budget can't allow it" reminds me of when you walk into a restaurant at a civilized hour like ten o'clock and they say "the kitchen is closed." For years I would hear this, and think, "damn, just a little too late, oh well, thank you, I guess it's Denny's again." And then one day it hit me: kitchens don't . Just as at home, at a certain point in the night, I stop the kitchen--but at three in the morning, if I want to, I still have the ability to go downstairs and "re-open" the kitchen by turning on the stove and opening the refrigerator! Restaurants are not banks; at the stroke of ten an enormous airlock doesn't seal off the kitchen and render the preparation of food an utter ./ No, kitchens can open and budgets are what certain people say they are." analogy budget budget-cuts budgeting economy humor impossible possible Bill Maher
673e576 The Park's nice,' his father conceded, 'but the rest of the country is just people in huge cars wondering what to eat next. humor Edward St. Aubyn
aad7166 "Dorothy asked timidly: "Did his wife say anything? "She sent her love to you." Nora said: "Stop being nasty." humor infidelity Dashiell Hammett
9bc2e2b Jag har inget emot att do, bara inte i morgon, jag har en del jag skall gora forst. humor inspiration inspirational Astrid Lindgren
1a813ad Therapies administered included but were not limited to: turning things off, then on again; picking them up a couple of inches and then dropping them; turning off nonessential appliances in this and other rooms; removing lids and wiggling circuit boards; extracting small contaminants, such as insects and their egg cases, with nonconducting chopsticks; cable-wiggling; incense-burning; putting folded-up pieces of paper beneath table legs; drinking tea and sulking; invoking unseen powers; sending runners to other rooms, buildings, or precincts with exquisitely calligraphed notes and waiting for them to come back carrying spare parts in dusty, yellowed cardboard boxes; and a similarly diverse suite of troubleshooting techniques in the realm of software. humor troubleshooting Neal Stephenson
cc4fa6f She kept her ears permanently tuned to the chicken voices outside, so knew immediately when a coyote had crept into the yard, and barreled screaming for the front door before the rest of us had a clue. (I don't know about the coyote, but I nearly needed CPR.) These hens owed their lives and eggs to Lily, there was no question. coyote cpr humor Barbara Kingsolver
9d22cc4 The corridor couldn't have smelled more strongly of fish guts if we had actually been inside a fish. humor Arthur Golden
3459e19 My colleague and I are journalists. ... Not of the muckraking variety, I hasten to assure you! Corruption is a necessary and time-honored concomitant of any functioning government, which we support wholeheartedly. government-corruption humor Michael Swanwick
189cb5f If I tell you another seven hundred times, maybe one of these days you might turn your clothes right side out when you put them in the hamper, eh? humor laundry Jodi Picoult
3f4880c Inu-Yasha: Is it my imagination, or have you been a little prickly lately? Sango: It's your imagination! humor manga Rumiko Takahashi
c7741a3 "It's my letter," she began. "I cannot make it right." "Come in, come in," the Prince said gently. "Maybe we can help you." She sat down in the same chair as before. "All right, I'll close my eyes and listen; read to me." " 'Westley, my passion, my sweet, my only, my own. Come back, come back. I shall kill myself otherwise. Yours in torment, Buttercup.' " She looked at Humperdinck. "Well? Do you think I'm throwing myself at him?" "It does seem a bit forward," the Prince admitted. "It doesn't leave him a great deal of room to maneuver." humor letters love melancholy William Goldman
78a1213 Tonight was a perfect illustration of why Cinderella and the Prince get married twenty-four hours after they meet. Because when you're living with your stepmother, there is no happily ever after. happily-ever-after humor Melissa Kantor
26a651c Bernard: ... By the way, Valentina, do you want credit? - 'the game book recently discovered by.'? Valentine: It was never lost, Bernard. Bernard: 'As recently pointed out by.' I don't normally like giving credit where it's due, but with scholarly articles as with divorce, there is a certain cachet in citing a member of the aristocracy. I'll pop it in ad lib for the lecture, and give you a mention in the press release. How's that? Valentine: Very kind. citation-protocol humor Tom Stoppard
8a82584 "I wish I had a dollar for every hour I've spent in the library," he always says. I have to agree- we'd probably never have to worry about money again." humor reading truth Gary Paulsen
52cc6a1 Why, on to the castle, to kill the royal family, and claim the throne that isn't mine by right! humor satire slapstick Richard Curtis
caa8d0d "John shrugged. "It always seemed silly to me to desire a woman who cannot converse any better than a sheep." Belle leaned forward, her eyes glittering mischievously. "Really? I would have thought you'd prefer such a woman,considering your difficulty with polite conversation." "Touche, my lady. I cede this round to you." hilarious humor Julia Quinn
e225f33 "Though we were forbidden to speak anything but French, the teacher would occasionally use us to practice any of her five fluent languages. "I hate you," she said to me one afternoon. Her English was flawless. "I really, really hate you." Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help taking it personally." french humor languages David Sedaris
16089a0 If only the devil were feminine - perhaps he (she) was; no one had ever seemed to think of that - he would readily believe that her pseudonym was Daisy Morrison. humor Mary Balogh
163d9a9 "That's a shame," said Bert, "to run out of crackers before you've run out of emergency." emergency here-there-be-dragons humor James A. Owen
b0450e5 "From the slope of Haleakala, the Old Broad watched the activity in the channel with a two-hundred-power celestial telescope and a pair of "big eyes" binoculars that looked like stereo bazookas on precision mounts that were anchored into a ton of concrete." humor whales Christopher Moore
0d825ad "Studsy returned alone. "Maybe I'm wrong," he said as he sat down, "but I think somebody could do something with that cluck if they took hold of her right." Morelli said: "By the throat." Studsy grinned good-naturedly. "No. She's trying to get somewhere. She works hard at her singing lessons and -" humor Dashiell Hammett
8935ed7 The propensity of Earthlings to get into trouble, and to learn thereby, was the reason my owners agreed to this mad venture - although no one expected such a chain of unusual calamities as befell this ship. Your talents were underrated. humanity humor David Brin
2e49600 Amelia envisaged that between York and the royal-infested Scottish Highlands there was a grimy wasteland of derelict cranes and abandoned mills and betrayed, yet still staunch, people. Oh and moorland, of course, vast tracts of brooding landscape under lowering skies, and across this heath strode brooding, lowering men intent on reaching their ancestral houses, where they were going to fling open doors and castigate orphaned yet resolute governesses. Or -- preferably -- the brooding, lowering men were on horseback, black horses with huge muscled haunches, glistening with sweat -- gothic-romance heath humor jane-eyre literary-allusions scotland york Kate Atkinson
0d8b0d8 "Yes, the saint was underrated quite a bit, then, mostly by people who didn't like things that were ineffable... ...a lot of people don't like things that are unearthly, the things of this earth are good enough for them, and they don't mind telling you so. "If he'd just go out and get a job, like everybody else, then he could be saintly all day long..." --from "The Temptations of St. Anthony," by Donald Barthelme" humor sainthood short-story Donald Barthelme
768b611 People who don't get excited about receiving gifts are tired of life. chick-lit humor Anna Maxted
713b514 "She's such a bitch," Tina says, which I find a little contradictory, but overall quite true. "She's got to be in charge of everything." I sit next to her. "Well, I guess. But in business, that's leadership." Tina stares at me for a second. "I can't believe you consider that a positive trait. How about her inability to accept other points of view? Is it good leadership to be narrow, too?" "Focus," I say. "They call that focus." Tina stares at me. "Her paranoia?" "Business savvy." "Compulsive need to have everything just how she wants it?" "Organizational skills." "Aggressiveness?" "Aggressiveness," I say, "is already a good thing." "Jesus Christ," Tina says, her eyebrow ring glinting in the morning sun. "Sometimes I worry about this country." business-culture humor Max Barry
82db6e2 At any rate I'd better be getting out of the wood, for really its coming on very dark. Do you think it's going to rain?' Tweedledum spread a large umbrella over himself and his brother, and looked up into it. 'No, I don't think it is,' he said: 'at least - not under here. Nohow.' 'But it may rain outside?' 'It may - if it chooses,' said Tweedledee: 'we've got no objection. Contrariwise. humor rain Lewis Carroll
21dff3b Skin color doesn't make you different,' Melody said. 'We're all the same on the inside.' 'The only people who ever say that,' Raymon replied, 'are white. humor race Jodi Picoult
8a50194 Moeller, who has tasted a naked Cheeto, likens it to a piece of unsweetened puffed corn cereal humor Mary Roach
219c754 "He gives her his Art History lecture. art-history humor visitors Donald Barthelme
2a44c9c "How does hanky-panky translate to sex? Who comes up with words like that?" "Probably people who don't have sex" humor J.D. Robb
214e1fa Robert explained how much simpler it was to pay money for things than to exchange them as the people were doing in the market. Later on the soldier gave the coins to his captain, who, later still, showed them to Pharaoh, who of course kept them and was much struck with the idea. That was really how coins first came to be used in Egypt. You will not believe this, I daresay, but really, if you believe the rest of the story, I don't see why you shouldn't believe this as well. egypt fantasy humor E. Nesbit
43edf60 It is all very well to say that all princesses are good and beautiful and charming; but this is usually a determined optimism on everybody's part rather than the truth. After all, if a girl is a princess, she is undeniably a princess, and the best must be made of it; and how much pleasanter it would be if she were good and beautiful. There's always hope that if enough people believe as though she is, a little of it will rub off. humor princesses the-door-in-the-hedge Robin McKinley
20dd246 Feeling extremely foolish, the acting representative of Homo sapiens watched his First Contact stride away across the Raman plain, totally indifferent to his presence. humor science-fiction scifi space Arthur C. Clarke
20b15c1 I was just, uh...looking at your bush. humor Cassie Mae
0da5b56 Jimmy Murray, you are an ass,' said Aunt Ruth, angrily. 'Well, we're cousins,' agreed Cousin Jimmy pleasantly. humor relations snipe wit L.M. Montgomery
0882153 "In a century or two this planet will have been destroyed by external cosmic forces or by the senseless activity of the human race. Human life is a freak phenomenon, soon to be blotted out. That is a consoling thought. Meanwhile we are surrounded by strange invisible entities, possibly your angels." "I hope so." "Ah, you think they are good, they be good, there is no good, the tendency to evil is overwhelming. One has only to think of the horrors of sex, its violence, its cruelty, its filthy vulgarity, its descent into bestial degradation. You had better go and dream in your monastery." "Would you come and visit me there?" "Of course not. I do not visit. Only, unfortunately, am sometimes visited." "You don't want to discuss -- you know -- what happened? My priest said -- " "No." "I care about how you are, I love you." "You still fail to realise how this sort of talk sickens me. Now please go. This will do for a welcome home scene. Tell them not to come. I desire to be left alone." end-of-the-world humor iris-murdoch misanthrope pessimistic recluse relationship the-green-knight Iris Murdoch
07a8af6 "Of course. The team on your carriage was beautiful. They are yours, aren't they?" He ignored her and walked ahead until his foot connected with soft mushy ground. "Shit," he muttered. "Exactly." He glared at her, thinking himself a saint for not going for her throat." humor Julia Quinn
2fd0730 Like the NRA says, it's better to have a machine gun and not need it than to need a machine gun and not have it. guns humor john-sandford mgg michele-cook nra outrage the-singular-menace John Sandford
76163d8 The woman spoke with a heavy western North Carolina accent, which I used to discredit her authority. Here was a person for whom the word 'pen' had two syllables. He people undoubtedly drank from clay jugs and hollered for Paw when the vittles were ready-- so who was she to advise me on anything? david-sedaris humor satire speech speech-therapy David Sedaris
598b9ac New Rule: Instead of using their $10 billion atom-smashing Large Hadron Collider to re-create the Big Bang by melting atom parts in temperatures a million times hotter than the sun, scientists should do that. I'm just sayin' it sounds dangerous. I'm as interested as the next guy in determining the origin of matter, but first couldn't we solve some simple mystery, like why some-detector batteries always die at four a.m.? humor large-hadron-collider science Bill Maher
a33ad6e This Nicholas anon leet fle a fart As greet as it had been a thonder-dent, That with the strook he was almoost yblent; And he was redy with his iren hoot, And Nicholas amydde the ers he smoot. Of gooth the skyn an hande-brede aboute, The hoote kultour brende so his toute, And for the smert he wende for to dye. farting humor slapstick Geoffrey Chaucer
a0952d9 Water!' cried Marie. 'Vinegar!' recommended the bell-boy. 'Eu-de-Cologne!' said Bill. 'Pepper!' said Lord Tidmouth. Mary had another suggestion. 'Give her air!' So had the bell-boy. 'Slap her hands!' Lord Tidmouth went further. 'Sit on her head!' he advised. cure doctor help humor remedy treatment P.G. Wodehouse
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 ▲ ▼