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e2dfe84 "How're we getting to King's Cross tomorrow, Dad?" asked Fred as they dug into a sumptuous pudding. "The Ministry's providing a couple of cars," said Mr. Weasley. Everyone looked up at him. "Why?" said Percy curiously. "It's because of you, Perce," said George seriously. "And there'll be little flags on the hoods, with HB on them-" "-for Humongous Bighead," said Fred." -- humor self-importance percy-weasley teasing J.K. Rowling
7cc94f1 "He turned to Frank who was trying to pull his fingers out of the Chinese handcuffs... "Okay," Frank relented. "Sure." He frowned at his fingers, trying to pull them out of the trap. "Uh, how do you--" Leo chuckled. "Man, you've never seen those before? There's a simple trick to getting out." Frank tugged again with no luck. Even Hazel was trying not to laugh. Frank grimaced with concentration. Suddenly, he disappeared. On the deck where he'd been standing, a green iguana crouched next to an empty set of Chinese handcuffs. "Well done, Frank Zhang," Leo said dryly, doing his impression of Chiron the centaur. "That is exactly how people beat Chinese handcuffs. They turn into iguanas." humor trap heroes-of-olympus percy-jackson-and-the-olympians the-mark-of-athena keep-it-simple frank-zhang jason-grace leo-valdez Rick Riordan
b4aaa7e You look lousy,' he said. Jace blinked. 'Seems an odd time to start an insult contest, but if you insist, I could probably think up something good.' 'No I mean it. You don't look good.' 'This is from a guy ho has all the sex appeal of a penguin. Look, I realize you may be jealous that the good Lord didn't deal you the same chiseled hand he dealt me, but that's no reason to-' 'I am not trying to insult you.' Simon snapped. humor jace-lightwood simon-lewis insults Cassandra Clare
66be344 Astriola. That IS demon pox. You had evidence that demon pox existed and you didnt mention it to me! Et tu, Brute!' He rolled up the paper and hit Jem over the head with it. humor jem-carstairs will-herondale Cassandra Clare
82140f2 "I feel like, like pudding," Iggy groaned. "Pudding with nerve endings. Pudding in great pain." humor pudding James Patterson
8ad1e0f "He could totally be your boyfriend," [Angel] went on with annoying persistance. "You guys could get married. I could be like a junior bridesmaid. Total could be your flower dog." "I'm only a kid!" I shrieked. "I can't get married!" "You could in New Hampshire." My mouth dropped open. How does she know this stuff? "Forget it! No one's getting married!" I hissed. "Not in New Hampshire or anywhere else! Not in a box, not with a fox! Now go to sleep, " marriage relationships humor love maxride fang max James Patterson
b2b0b48 No! Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try. humor life philosophy inspirational jedi star-wars George Lucas
de29e12 As if you could kill time without injuring eternity. time humor wisdom Henry David Thoreau
440aed7 Everything in this room is edible. Even I'm edible. But, that would be called canibalism. It is looked down upon in most societies. humor gluttony manners Tim Burton
3a3fb55 If you're horrible to me, I'm going to write a song about it, and you won't like it. That's how I operate. song-writing taylor-swift people song humor inspirational bullying Taylor Swift
1fb878b "What's that?" he snarled, staring at the envelope Harry was still clutching in his hand. "If it's another form for me to sign, you've got another -" "It's not," said Harry cheerfully. "It's a letter from my godfather." "Godfather?" sputtered Uncle Vernon. "You haven't got a godfather!" "Yes, I have," said Harry brightly. "He was my mum and dad's best friend. He's a convicted murderer, but he's broken out of wizard prison and he's on the run. He likes to keep in touch with me, though...keep up with my news...check if I'm happy...." harry-potter humor godfather sirius-black J.K. Rowling
eb1c4aa "This is Annabeth," Jason said. "Uh, normally she doesn't judo-flip people." humor heroes-of-olympus percy-jackson-and-the-olympians the-mark-of-athena jason-grace Rick Riordan
4698d51 What to do if you find yourself stuck in a crack in the ground underneath a giant boulder you can't move, with no hope of rescue. Consider how lucky you are that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your current circumstances seems more likely, consider how lucky you are that it won't be troubling you much longer. humor survival dying Douglas Adams
5e75f1d "Jeez, Hazel," Percy said, "tell your horse to watch his language." Hazel tried not to laugh. "What did he say?" "With the cussing removed? He said he can get us to the top." Frank looked incredulous. "I thought the horse couldn't fly!" This time Arion whinnied so angrily, even Hazel could guess he was cursing. "Dude," Percy told the horse, "I've gotten suspended for saying less than that..." humor horse Rick Riordan
88d36fb "I turned to Dionysus. "You cured him?" "Madness is my specialty. It was quite simple." "But...you did something nice. Why?" He raised and eyebrow. "I am nice! I simple ooze niceness, Perry Johansson. Haven't you noticed?" madness humor nice percy-jackson sarcasm Rick Riordan
bd80398 Cynics are simply thwarted romantics. writing humor life romantics William Goldman
0251458 This book was written using 100% recycled words. humor environmentalism Terry Pratchett
545e37d Great, tell me when you've defeated Voldemort for me, will you? humor J.K. Rowling
5d71ce7 Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference. humor inspirational attitude Winston S. Churchill
f214047 "There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle. "That's some catch, that Catch-22," he observed. "It's the best there is," Doc Daneeka agreed." humor Joseph Heller
e7354a0 "So why in the name of Merlin's saggy left --" "Don't talk to your mother like that." -- harry-potter humor ron-weasley J.K. Rowling
ced6ad0 "Two hundred Romans, and no one's got a pen? Never mind!" He slung his M16 onto his back and pulled out a hand grenade. There were many screaming Romans. Then the hand grenade morphed into a ballpoint pen, and Mars began to write. Frank looked at Percy with wide eyes. He mouthed: Can your sword do grenade form? Percy mouthed back, No. Shut up." humor mars son-of-neptune heroes-of-olympus percy-jackson frank-zhang transformation Rick Riordan
e375e07 Alas! Earwax! humor J.K. Rowling
d769401 ...inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened. humor Terry Pratchett
59f581b "Look on the bright side," said Simon, "If they need a human sacrifice, you can always offer me. I'm not sure the rest of you qualify anyway." optimism humor quip simon-lewis Cassandra Clare
1274838 We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail. drinking emotion humor alcohol David Sedaris
c46e33f One of the things Ford Prefect had always found hardest to understand about humans was their habit of continually stating and repeating the very very obvious. humor interesting Douglas Adams
393bca1 "Blackjack," Percy said, "this is Piper and Jason. They're friends." The horse nickered. "Uh, maybe later," Percy answered. Piper had heard that Percy could speak to horses, being the son of the horse lord Poseidon, but she'd never seen it in action. "What does Blackjack want?" she asked. "Donuts," Percy said. "Always donuts." humor donuts flying-horses piper-mclean heroes-of-olympus percy-jackson percy-jackson-and-the-olympians the-mark-of-athena jason-grace Rick Riordan
83394bd "Take off your shirt." Jace raised his eyebrows. "I'm not going to attack you," she said impatiently. "I can take the sight of your naked chest without swooning." "Are you sure?" he asked, obediently sliding the shirt off his shoulders. "Because viewing my naked chest has caused many women to seriously injure themselves stampeding to get to me." funny humor naked-chest shirt swooning city-of-lost-souls clary-fray the-mortal-instruments jace-lightwood jace-wayland Cassandra Clare
45e2763 If there was anything that depressed him more than his own cynicism, it was that quite often it still wasn't as cynical as real life. humor life Terry Pratchett
82c32e3 We who think we are about to die will laugh at anything. humor gallows-humor laughing Terry Pratchett
72ff990 "Well, we were always going to fail that one," said Ron gloomily as they ascended the marble staircase. He had just made Harry feel rather better by telling him how he told the examiner in detail about the ugly man with a wart on his nose in the crystal ball, only to look up and realize he had been describing the examiner's reflection." harry-potter humor ron-weasley J.K. Rowling
e516771 When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific. funny humor inspirational goals-in-life wish Lily Tomlin
9757035 I quote others only in order the better to express myself. irony humor truth quoting Michel de Montaigne
b12062e "You're a stalker with hooves." "I am not! I followed her to the Big House and hid in a bush and watched the whole thing." humor stalker percy-jackson Rick Riordan
d45700c Write it. Shoot it. Publish it. Crochet it, saute it, whatever. MAKE. action creating humor inspirational Joss Whedon
58ac842 "What is it with you today?" says Christina on the way to breakfast. Her eyes are still swollen from sleep and her tangled hair forms a fuzzy halo around her face. "Oh, you know," I say. "Sun shining. Birds chirping." She raises an eyebrow at me, as if reminding me that we are in an underground tunnel." humor tris Veronica Roth
c179897 Delaying death is one of my favorite hobbies death humor delaying leo the-mark-of-athena Rick Riordan
60093a9 Aziraphale collected books. If he were totally honest with himself he would have to have admitted that his bookshop was simply somewhere to store them. He was not unusual in this. In order to maintain his cover as a typical second-hand book seller, he used every means short of actual physical violence to prevent customers from making a purchase. Unpleasant damp smells, glowering looks, erratic opening hours - he was incredibly good at it. humor Terry Pratchett
0ef3796 Did you ever want to set someone's head on fire, just to see what it looked like? Did you ever stand in the street and think to yourself, I could make that nun go blind just by giving her a kiss? Did you ever lay out plans for stitching babies and stray cats into a Perfect New Human? Did you ever stand naked surrounded by people who want your gleaming sperm, squirting frankincense, soma and testosterone from every pore? If so, then you're the bastard who stole my drugs Friday night. And I'll find you. Oh, yes. humor comics Warren Ellis
27ace61 "I am your Prince and you will marry me," Humperdinck said. Buttercup whispered, "I am your servant and I refuse." "I am you Prince and you cannot refuse." "I am your loyal servant and I just did." "Refusal means death." "Kill me then." marriage humor William Goldman
3529df8 "I'm the Super-sized McShizzle, man!" Leo said. "I'm Leo Valdez, bad boy supreme. And the ladies a bad boy." humor narissus nymphs leo-valdez rick riordan
28e3a5d It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression, 'As pretty as an airport. travel humor Douglas Adams
fa5d96b What about a compromise? I'll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I'll apologize. funny humor Rick Riordan
3fc88a1 "The Council agrees," Zeus said. "Percy Jackson, you will have one gift from the gods." I hesitated. "Any gift?" Zeus nodded grimly. "I know what you will ask. The greatest gift of all. Yes, if you want it, it shall be yours. The gods have not bestowed this gift on a mortal hero in many centuries, but, Perseus Jackson-if you wish it-you shall be made a god. Immortal. Undying. You shall serve as your father's lieutenant for all time." I stared at him, stunned. "Um...a god?" Zeus rolled his eyes. "A dimwitted god, apparently. But yes. With the consensus of the entire Council, I can make you immortal. Then I will have to put up with you forever." "Hmm," Ares mused. "That means I can smash him to a pulp as often as I want, and he'll just keep coming back for more. I like this idea." -- humor poseidon zeus percy-jackson Rick Riordan
33b6c1f You looove me. (holds out arms) You love me this much. humor love maxride max love-struck James Patterson
cd6561d Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising. humor Meg Cabot
237af71 If something is going to happen to me, I want to be there. humor Albert Camus
1fda5af In Ireland, you go to someone's house, and she asks you if you want a cup of tea. You say no, thank you, you're really just fine. She asks if you're . You say of course you're sure, really, you don't need a thing. Except they pronounce it . You don't need a . Well, she says then, I was going to get myself some anyway, so it would be no trouble. Ah, you say, well, if you were going to get yourself some, I wouldn't mind a spot of tea, at that, so long as it's no trouble and I can give you a hand in the kitchen. Then you go through the whole thing all over again until you both end up in the kitchen drinking tea and chatting. In America, someone asks you if you want a cup of tea, you say no, and then you don't get any damned tea. I liked the Irish way better. humor ireland tea C.E. Murphy
85a9cca As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts. humor David Sedaris
7635f8a It's probably a bad indicator of your lifestyle when you miss your ex-boyfriend because he's absolutely lethal. relationships humor vampire Charlaine Harris
587ef9a "Poison!" Grover yelped. "Don't let those things touch you or..." "Or we'll die?" I guessed. humor shrivel poison swords Rick Riordan
2254ea9 "You sneaked into my cabin?" Annabeth rolled her eyes. "Percy, you'll be seventeen in two months. You can't seriously be worried about getting in trouble with Coach Hedge." "Uh, have you seen his baseball bat?" "Besides, Seaweed Brain, I just thought we could take a walk. We haven't had any time to be together alone. I want to show you something--my favorite place aboard the ship." Percy's pulse was still in overdrive, but it wasn't from fear of getting in trouble. "Can I, you know, brush my teeth first?" "You'd better," Annabeth said. "Because I'm not kissing you until you do. And brush your hair while you're at it." romance humor sneaking-out coach-hedge heroes-of-olympus percy-jackson percy-jackson-and-the-olympians the-mark-of-athena Rick Riordan
0229d52 Everybody going to be dead one day, just give them time. mortality humor patience Neil Gaiman
adfd399 "The Death Eaters can't all be pure-blood, there aren't enough pure-blood wizards left," said Hermione stubbornly. "I expect most of them are half-bloods pretending to be pure. It's only Muggle-borns they hate, they'd be quite happy to let you and Ron join up" "There is no way they'd let me be a Death Eater!" said Ron indignantly...."My whole family are blood traitors! That's as bad as Muggle-borns to Death Eaters!" "And they'd love to have me," said Harry sarcastically. "We'd be best pals if they didn't keep trying to do me in." funny humor death-eaters muggle-born muggles wizards J.K. Rowling
d990d43 "How do I know you'll keep your word?" asked Coraline. "I swear it," said the other mother. "I swear it on my own mother's grave." "Does she have a grave?" asked Coraline. "Oh yes," said the other mother. "I put her in there myself. And when I found her trying to crawl out, I put her back." humor mothers Neil Gaiman
c42a2bf "Hermione launched herself forwards and started punching every inch of him that she could reach. 'Ouch -- ow -- gerroff! What the -- ? Hermione -- OW!' "You -- complete -- arse -- Ronald -- Weasley!" She punctuated every word with a blow: Ron backed away, shielding his head as Hermione advanced." humor ron-weasley J.K. Rowling
671e753 Magic Sandra's seen a leprechaun, Eddie touched a troll, Laurie danced with witches once, Charlie found some goblins gold. Donald heard a mermaid sing, Susy spied an elf, But all the magic I have known I've had to make myself. magic poem humor life goblin leprechaun make-magic mermaid troll witch Shel Silverstein
856f1d9 The Queen's Pride was his ship, and he loved her. (That was the way his sentences always went: It is raining today and I love you. My cold is better and I love you. Say hello to Horse and I love you. Like that.) humor love William Goldman
4545e54 Well, that's an evil smile... humor maxride smile James Patterson
ba79ab8 "Erre es korakas, Blinky!" Dionysus cursed. "I will have your soul!" humor olympians Rick Riordan
ea6b772 "You are your mother's trueborn son of Lannister." "Am I?" the dwarf replied, sardonic. "Do tell my lord father. My mother died birthing me, and he's never been sure." "I don't even know who my mother was," Jon said. "Some woman, no doubt. Most of them are." He favored Jon with a rueful grin. "Remember this, boy. All dwarfs may be bastards, yet not all bastards need be dwarfs." And with that he turned and sauntered back into the feast, whistling a tune. When he opened the door, the light from within threw his shadow clear across the yard, and for just a moment Tyrion Lannister stood tall as a king." humor dwarfs tyrion-lannister jon-snow king sarcasm George R.R. Martin
3d90f86 "I'm Draco Malfoy, I'm Draco, I'm on your side!" Draco was on the upper landing, pleading with another masked Death Eater. Harry Stunned the Death Eater as they passed: Malfoy looked around, beaming, for his savior, and Ron punched him from under the cloak. Malfoy fell backward on top of the Death Eater, his mouth bleeding, utterly bemused. "And that's the second time we've saved your life tonight, you two-faced bastard!" Ron yelled." harry-potter humor ron-weasley J.K. Rowling
69da41f Everything will turn out right, the world is built on that. humor inspirational satan Mikhail Bulgakov
82a76ce Terrific. A bisexual dominant vampire with kidnapping expertise. humor vampire paranormal-romance J.R. Ward
2b9246b 25 And the Lord spake unto the Angel that guarded the eastern gate, saying 'Where is the flaming sword that was given unto thee?' 26 And the Angel said, 'I had it here only a moment ago, I must have put it down some where, forget my own head next.' 27 And the Lord did not ask him again. heaven god humor Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
549ffe6 "We are not going to die." Butters stared up at me, pale, his eyes terrified. "We're not?" "No. And do you know why?" He shook his head. "Because Thomas is too pretty to die. And because I'm too stubborn to die." I hauled on the shirt even harder. "And most of all because tomorrow is Oktoberfest, Butters, and polka will never die." motivation optimism humor waldo-butters thomas-raith Jim Butcher
e206dc6 "We are not going to die." Butters stared up at me, pale, his eyes terrified. "We're not?" "No. And do you know why?" He shook his head. "Because Thomas is too pretty to die. And because I'm too stubborn to die." I hauled on the shirt even harder. "And most of all because tomorrow is Oktoberfest, Butters, and polka will never die." -- motivation optimism humor waldo-butters thomas-raith Jim Butcher
dc8602c Q: You'er presented with a smooth-faced, eight-foot-high wooden wall. Your objective? Get over it. To, like, save comrades or something. How to accomplish this? A: Take a running start, brace one foot against the wall, throw one hand to the top, try to hang on long enough for a comrade to either grab your hand at the top or for another comrade to push your butt up from below. It takes team work! BKA (bird kid answer): Or you could just, like, over it. humor maxride James Patterson
e60865e "Z: "You know, this was a hell of a lot easier when you were out cold in the back of that truck." Phury: "That was you?" Z:"You think it was Santa Claus or some shit?" humor phury j-r-ward zsadist J.R. Ward
f84dfcb "We could visit him," suggests Will. "But what would we say? 'I didn't know you that well, but I'm sorry you got stabbed in the eye'?" humor Veronica Roth
e3f1dde Someday I must read this scholar Everyone. He seems to have written so much--all of it wrong. humor scholar Tamora Pierce
adab30e "He f**ks even better than he looks", I settled on saying. Several heads turned. I didn't care; I was pissed. "And that beautiful face is going to be clamped between my legs as soon as we get home, don't you worry." sex humor cat Jeaniene Frost
1d63594 We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie. humor pie stress eating food David Mamet
5716e8c Love is where you find it. I think it is foolish to go around looking for it, and I think it can be poisonous. I wish that people who are conventionally supposed to love each other would say to each other, when they fight, 'Please -- a little less love, and a little more common decency'. humor love respect Kurt Vonnegut
21fd992 "There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, 'Do trousers matter?'" "The mood will pass, sir." humor dejection bad-mood clothes P.G. Wodehouse
f2b3c6e "If you had a million years to do it in, you couldn't rub out even half the "Fuck you" signs in the world. It's impossible." humor signs holden J.D. Salinger
034f6e9 It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them. people humor taking-advantage apologizing P.G. Wodehouse
97e3671 "Haven't you ever heard that modesty is an attractive trait?" "Only from ugly people," Jace confided. "The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me." He winked at the girls, who giggled and hid behind their hair." humor Cassandra Clare
85bddb9 If we're going to the Silent City, you might want to get dressed. I mean, I appreciate the bra-and-panties look, but I don't know if the Silent Brothers will. There are only a few of the left, and I don't want them to die of excitement. humor clary-fray jace-lightwood Cassandra Clare
dafad75 Name the different kinds of people,' said Miss Lupescu. 'Now.' Bod thought for a moment. 'The living,' he said. 'Er. The dead.' He stopped. Then, '... Cats?' he offered, uncertainly. people living humor guess kinds kinds-of-people challenge dead Neil Gaiman
8150e38 Congratulations success humor inspirational Dr. Seuss
c25ae41 "Do you mean ter tell me," he growled at the Dursleys, "that this boy--this boy!--knows nothin' abou'--about ANYTHING?" Harry thought this was going a bit far. He had been to school, after all, and his marks weren't bad. "I know some things," he said. "I can, you know, do math and stuff." humor ignorance math J.K. Rowling
7e6d26c "Fred, you next," the plump woman said. "I'm not Fred, I'm George," said the boy. "Honestly, woman, you call yourself our mother? Can't you tell I'm George?" "Sorry, George, dear." "Only joking, I am Fred," said the boy and off he went." humor twins J.K. Rowling
2189bc0 I didn't know that idiocy caused people to just start spontaneously bleeding from the nose. humor divergent blood Veronica Roth
cc677c8 "It doesn't matter if they hate you, or embarrass you, or simply don't appreciate your genius for inventing the internet-" "You invented the internet?" , Martha said. , George said. "It was my idea!" Hermes said. "I mean the internet, not the rats. But that's not the point." humor martha percy-jackson hermes internet Rick Riordan
bcd6800 "Fresh is better. But you've never drunk fresh blood. Have you?" Simon raised his eyebrow in response. "Well, aside from mine of course," Jace said. "And I'm pretty sure my blood is fan-tastic." humor Cassandra Clare
9f3ef07 "He's not feeling well," Clary said, catching at Simon's wrist. "We're going." "No," Simon said. "No, I -- I need to talk to him. To the Inquisitor." Robert reached into his jacket and drew out a crucifix. Clary stared in shock as he held it up between himself and Simon. "I speak to the Night's Children Council representative, or to the head of the New York clan," he said. "Not to any vampire who comes to knock at my door --" Simon reached out and plucked the cross out of Robert's hand. "Wrong religion," he said." humor robert simon vampire Cassandra Clare
8bac1e2 Ah, pay no heed if your enemies laugh. They'll not be able to once you lop off their heads. humor brisingr mockery Christopher Paolini
7072024 "I've never stunned anyone except in our D.A. lessons," said Luna, sounding mildly interested. "That was noisier than I thought it would be." -- harry-potter humor stun luna-lovegood J.K. Rowling
f79d87d "Leo couldn't help smiling. "That could be fun." "Fun" she said unhappily. "Blue elephants." "Blue elephants." "Kiss me you fool." "You fool." humor leo-valdez Rick Riordan
54b5b57 You're Hell's Angels, then? What chapter are you from?' 'REVELATIONS. CHAPTER SIX. death humor hells-angels Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
aff193d I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends. humor hobbes hiccup Bill Watterson
0184a0b They laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at them because they're all the same. humor inspirational same misattributed society different Kurt Cobain
fa6d9c5 Boys. I'd turn gay if they weren't so sexy. humor Rachel Caine
76e817c But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. laughter humor philosophy Carl Sagan
7edb59d That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them. humor wordplay Dorothy Parker
d9c05f2 Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college. And I realize some of you may be having trouble deciding whether I am kidding or not. So from now on I will tell you when I'm kidding. For instance, join the National Guard or the Marines and teach democracy. I'm kidding. We are about to be attacked by Al Qaeda. Wave flags if you have them. That always seems to scare them away. I'm kidding. If you want to really hurt your parents, and you don't have the nerve to be gay, the least you can do is go into the arts. I'm not kidding. The arts are not a way to make a living. They are a very human way of making life more bearable. Practicing an art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven's sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you possibly can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something. writing humor creative-process Kurt Vonnegut
14f8c3f Any fool can make a rule And any fool will mind it. humor conformity law rule foolishness fool rules Henry David Thoreau
c2a2b8c Gossip is just a tool to distract people who have nothing better to do from feeling jealous of those few of us still remaining with noble hearts. jealousy humor inspirational gossip Anna Godbersen
17c3293 Red hair, sir, in my opinion, is dangerous. humor redheads P.G. Wodehouse
b8e449c So I hear we get to go to town this weekend. Want to catch a movie or something? --Z P.S. That is, if Jimmy doesn't mind. Translation: This weekend might be a good chance for us to see each other outside our school in a social environment, free of competetiton. I do not view other boys as threats, and I enjoy making them seem insignificant by calling them the wrong names. (Translation by Macey McHenry) humor gallgher-girls zach laugh-out-loud Ally Carter
873b679 "Crap, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "I'm thinking we have about fifteen vampires and no blood," Claire said. "Is that it?" "No, I was thinking we're out of chips. Of course that's what I was thinking." humor vampires Rachel Caine
7e292e6 "These books can't possibly compete with centuries of established history, especially when that history is endorsed by the ultimate bestseller of all time." Faukman's eyes went wide. "Don't tell me Harry Potter is actually about the Holy Grail." "I was referring to the Bible." Faukman cringed. "I knew that." humor holy-grail Dan Brown
5926de0 "These books can't possibly compete with centuries of established history, especially when that history is endorsed by the ultimate bestseller of all time." Faukman's eyes went wide. "Don't tell me Harry Potter is actually about the Holy Grail." "I was referring to the Bible." Faukman cringed. "I knew that." -- humor holy-grail Dan Brown
4e700ea Run first,' Shane said. 'Mourn later.' It was the perfect motto for Morganville. humor vampire paranormal-romance Rachel Caine
69dc4d9 "I'll make Goyle do lines, it'll kill him, he hates writing," said Ron happily. He lowered his voice to Goyle's low grunt and, screwing up his face in a look of pained concentration, mimed writing in midair. "I... must... not... look... like... a... baboon's... backside." humor detention gregory-goyle ron-weasley punishment J.K. Rowling
b5ab4c0 I can't give you the white picket fence, and if I did, you'd set it on fire. humor picket-fence social-commentary Ilona Andrews
779db64 I can't go on, I'll go on. tragedy fiction humor tragic-comedy nihilism existentialism drama Samuel Beckett
636f06d The house smelled musty and damp, and a little sweet, as if it were haunted by the ghosts of long-dead cookies. humor setting smell descriptions ghosts scent Neil Gaiman
9c009f9 "Leo lowered his screwdriver. He looked at the ceiling and shook his head like, What am I gonna do with this guy? "I try very hard to be annoying," Leo said. "Don't insult my ability to annoy. And how am I supposed to resent you if you go apologizing? I'm a lowly mechanic. You're like the prince of the sky, son of the Lord of the Universe. I'm supposed to resent you." "Lord of the Universe?" (Jason) "Sure, you're all-bam! Lightning man. And 'Watch me fly. I am the eagle that soars-" (Leo) "Shut up, Valdez." (Jason) Leo managed a little smile. "Yeah, see. I do annoy you." "I apologize for apologizing." (Jason) "Thank you." He went back to work, but the tension had eased between them. Leo still looked sad and exhausted-just not quite so angry." humor resentment apologies jason-grace leo-valdez Rick Riordan
737d596 "Ooh, you look much tastier than Crabbe and Goyle, Harry" said Hermione, before catching sight of Ron's raised eyebrows, blushing slightly and saying "oh you know what I mean - Goyle's Potion looked like bogies." humor hermione-granger polyjuice-potion ron-weasley taste J.K. Rowling
eb31e28 Well, while you were in the bathroom, I sat down at this picnic table here in Bumblefug, Kentucky, and noticed that someone had carved that GOD HATES FAG, which, aside from being a grammatical nightmare, is absolutely ridiculous. So I'm changing it to 'God Hates Baguettes.' It's tough to disagree with that. Everybody hates baguettes. religion humor homophobia picnic-tables homosexuality John Green
5eba938 "And now," Eric yelled into his mircophone, "we're going to sing a new song-one we just wrote. This one's for my girlfriend. We've been going out for three weeks, and, damn, our love is true. We're gonna be together forever, baby. This one's called 'Bang You Like a Drum." -- funny humor love eric teenage-love teen crazy Cassandra Clare
e78e0af Gym should be illegal. It's humiliating. humor p-e physical-education gym humiliation Laurie Halse Anderson
5c334b2 "Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did? Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty. humor intelligence hobbes Bill Watterson
4687742 We have now left Reason and Sanity Junction. Next stop, Looneyville. humor insanity harry-dresden Jim Butcher
30d5219 Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent. humor steve-martin encouragement Steve Martin
d8df4fd It's a reflex. Hear a bell, get food. See an undead, throw a knife. Same thing, really. humor Ilona Andrews
dba21b9 "Really, these wizards! You'd think no one had ever had a cold before! Well, what is it?" she asked, hobbling through the bedroom door onto the filthy carpet. "I'm dying of boredom," Howl said pathetically. "Or maybe just dying." humor howl-pendragon insuferable sophie-hatter lazy Diana Wynne Jones
40912aa As my father always used to tell me, 'You see, son, there's always someone in the world worse off than you.' And I always used to think, 'So? humor Bill Bryson
3e0844b CONJUGATE THIS: I cut class, you cut class, he, she, it cuts class. We cut class, they cut class. We all cut class. I cannot say this in Spanish because I did not go to Spanish today. spanish humor school Laurie Halse Anderson
cdf9fcf "I'm stuck babysitting turtle eggs while a volleyball player slash grease monkey slash aquarium volunteer tries to hit on me." I'm not hitting on you," he protested. No?" Believe me, you'd know if I was hitting on you. You wouldn't be able to stop yourself from succumbing to my charms." humor love Nicholas Sparks
d8a34b3 Death, taxes and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them. death humor truth taxes Margaret Mitchell
3e50f9d Instead of committing suicide, people go to work. funny humor inspirational Thomas Bernhard
2cdd40b I've met plenty of embarrassing parents, but Kronos, the evil Titan Lord who wanted to destroy Western Civilization? Not the kind of dad you invited to school for Career Day. humor embarrassment kronos Rick Riordan
208ae7a There was quite a lot of competitiveness about it, with everybody wanting to beat not only cancer itself, but also the other people in the room. Like, I realize that this is irrational, but when they tell you that you have, say, a 20 percent chance of living five years, the math kicks in and you figure that's one in five . . . so you look around and think, as any healthy person would: I gotta outlast four of these bastards. humor life John Green
e5d5309 Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self. humor Terry Pratchett
4e692f5 "Okay," I said. "Just a normal afternoon and two normal people." She nodded. "And so...hypothetically, if these to people likes each other, what would it take to get the stupid guy to kiss the girl, huh?" "Oh..." I felt like one of Apollo's sacred cows-slow, dumb, and bright red. "Um..." humor flirting rachel-dare percy-jackson Rick Riordan
96fbaf2 "Now what happens?" asked the man in black. "We face each other as God intended," Fezzik said. "No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone." "You mean you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try to kill each other like civilized people, is that it?" humor fistfight wit William Goldman
a270ac2 "Oh, dear God and baby Jesus in the manger, my eyes!" Dee shrieked. "My eyes!" humor Jennifer L. Armentrout
29801d4 His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad, His hair is as dark as a blackboard. I wish he was mine, he's really divine, The hero who conquered the Dark Lord. humor J.K. Rowling
6a4b29f Once the others were below, Hazel and Leo faced each other awkwardly. They were alone except for Coach Hedge, who was back on the quarterdeck singing the theme song. The coach had changed the words to: , and Leo really didn't want to know why. humor pokemon heroes-of-olympus percy-jackson-and-the-olympians the-mark-of-athena hazel-levesque leo-valdez Rick Riordan
03d6d2b Margaret Atwood, the Canadian novelist, once asked a group of women at a university why they felt threatened by men. The women said they were afraid of being beaten, raped, or killed by men. She then asked a group of men why they felt threatened by women. They said they were afraid women would laugh at them. men women humor privilege Molly Ivins
857641c "I want to do it too!" (sitting motionless) Nudge: "Nope, you stand out like a fart in a church." Max: (muttering) "Appropriately enough." Iggy: "What about me?" (stands still) Max: "No, you're visible." Iggy: "Am not!" Max: (throws a pinecone at him) "Could I do that if I wouldn't see you?" humor maxride gazzy iggy nudge invisibility max James Patterson
13dd19e "There aren't any syringes." Red Sox came over and held a sterile pack out. When she tried to take it from him, he kept a grip on the thing. "I know you'll use this wisely." "Wisely?" She snapped the syringe out of his hand. "No, I'm going to poke him in the eye with it. Because that's what they trained me to do in medical school." humor medical paranormal-romance vampires J.R. Ward
102b7cf Don't forget to give Neville our love!' Ginny told James as she hugged him. 'Mum! I can't give a professor !' 'But you Neville-' James rolled his eyes. 'Outside, yeah, but at school he's Professor Longbottom, isn't he? I can't walk into Herbology and give him .... harry-potter humor hogwarts jk-rowling nineteen-years-later neville epilogue professor later deathly-hallows school J.K. Rowling
fe019e0 "And, whoa!" He turned to Mr.D. "Your the wine dude? No way!" Mr.D turned hi eyes away from me and gave Nico a look of loathing. "The wine dude?" "Dionysus, right? Oh, wow! I've got your figurine!" "My figurine." "In my game, Mythomagic. And holofoil card, too! And even though you've only got like five hundred attack points and everybody thinks your the lamest god card, I totally think your powers are sweet!" "Ah." Mr.D seemed truly perplexed, which probably saved my life. "Well, that's...gratifying." humor mythomagic nico-diangelo dionysus Rick Riordan
002e130 You're such a pain in the ass. (Butch) Said the SIG to the Glock. (V) humor vampire J.R. Ward
d190bed "Yeah, but the lost diadem," said Michael Corner, rolling his eyes, "is , Luna. That's sort of the point." humor michael-corner ravenclaw luna-lovegood lost J.K. Rowling
31c134f "The only French word I know is oui, which means "yes," and only recently did I learn it's spelled o- u- i and not w- e- e." humor Stephanie Perkins
ecb7372 Every morning when I wake up, I experience an exquisite joy --the joy of being Salvador Dali-- and I ask myself in rapture: What wonderful things is this Salvador Dali going to accomplish today? be-yourself humor inspirational art Salvador Dalí
76d013c "Which way did they go, Peeves?" Filch was saying. "Quick, tell me." "Say 'please.'" "Don't mess with me, Peeves, now where did they go?" "Shan't say nothing if you don't say please," said Peeves in his annoying singsong voice. "All right- PLEASE." "NOTHING! Ha haaa! Told you I wouldn't say nothing if you didn't say please! Ha ha! Haaaaaa!" And they heard the sound of Peeves whooshing away and Filch cursing in rage." harry-potter funny humor please peeves J.K. Rowling
f534819 I see a light in the kitchen. Let us not deprive Molly any longer of the chance to deplore how thin you are. harry-potter humor molly-weasley J.K. Rowling
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