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e1555b1 What if I got hit by lightning while walking with an umbrella? Ban umbrellas! Fight the menace of lightning! computers funny humor humour lightning terrorism umbrellas Cory Doctorow
df15971 --?Acabas de... lavar un plato? --Dee retrocedio lentamente, parpadeando. Miro a Daemon--. El mundo se va a terminar. Y sigo siendo vir... --!No! --gritaron los hermanos al unisono. Daemon parecia que en realidad iba a vomitar. --Jesus, nunca termines esa oracion. En realidad, nunca cambies eso. Gracias. La boca de ella se abrio. --Ustedes esperan de mi que nunca tenga... --Esta no es una conversacion con la que quiera empezar mi dia. -- Dawson agarro su mochila de la mesa de la cocina--. Estoy yendome a la escuela antes de que esto se vuelva todavia mas detallado. humor spanish virgen Jennifer L. Armentrout
4d7f0c1 "New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. "At Exxon Mobil, we care about a thriving wildlife." Please--the only thing an oil executive has in common with a seagull is they'd both steal french fries from a baby." humor oil-industry Bill Maher
0b94608 I cross my fingers that if a demon dunks me in a vat of boiling lava I'll get thrown together naked with River Phoenix, and that he'll say I'm cute and try to kiss me. humor palahniuk Chuck Palahniuk
563439e New Rule: If we want to find a place to cut government waste, we must start with the DEA rubber duck. Yes, on the DEA's website you can buy a rubber ducky with a DEA badge and a cop's hat. Which I recommend doing, because they're a great place to hide your weed. drugs humor politics Bill Maher
183d9c3 "Incidentally, am I alone in finding the expression "it turns out" to be incredibly useful? It allows you to make swift, succinct, and authoritative connections between otherwise randomly unconnected statements without the trouble of explaining what your source or authority actually is. It's great. It's hugely better than its predecessors "I read somewhere that..." or the craven "they say that..." because it suggests not only that whatever flimsy bit of urban mythology you are passing on is actually based on brand new, ground breaking research, but that it is research in which you yourself were intimately involved. But again, with no actual authority anywhere in sight. Anyway, where was I?" humor Douglas Adams
608aee9 Squiffy, have you ever felt a sort of strange emptiness in the heart? A sort of aching void of the soul?' 'Oh, rather!' 'What do you do about it?' 'I generally take a couple of cocktails. alcohol-addiction comedy depression desolation emptiness humor loneliness sorrow P.G. Wodehouse
607f389 "Craig: 'When I used to drink, I binge drank...and I'm kind of like that with Doctor Who. I save up a lot of it on the DVR and then like I get my big scarf on and my hat and I stay at home and just watch them.' humor Craig Ferguson
90ad531 You had a bad day once, am I right? I know I am. I can tell. You had a bad day and everything changed. Why else would you dress up like a flying rat? humor misfortune Alan Moore
5890b90 "I guess I forgot we were going out tonight." "We always go out on Fridays." "It's Thursday, Alvis." "You are so tied to routine." humor routine Jess Walter
1ebbfbd Disco's are tricky. You look a total wally if you dance too early but after one crucial song tips the disco over, you look a sad saddo if you don't. disco humor music David Mitchell
363ca9e Susie: Hi Calvin! Aren't you excited about going to school? Look at all these great school supplies I got! I love having new notebooks and stuff! Calvin:All I've got to say is they're not making me learn any foreign languages. If English is good enough for me, then by golly, it's good enough for the rest of the world! Everyone should just speak English or shut up, that's what I say! Susie: You should maybe check the chemical content of your breakfast cereal. humor school Bill Watterson
1fc93a2 "Jeeves," I said. "A rummy communication has arrived. From Mr. Glossop." "Indeed, sir?" "I will read it to you. Handed in at Upper Bleaching. Message runs as follows: When you come tomorrow, bring my football boots. Also, if humanly possible, Irish water-spaniel. Urgent. Regards. Tuppy. "What do you make of that, Jeeves?" "As I interpret the document, sir, Mr. Glossop wishes you, when you come tomorrow, to bring his football boots. Also, if humanly possible, an Irish water-spaniel. He hints that the matter is urgent, and sends his regards." "Yes, that is how I read it. But why football boots?" "Perhaps Mr. Glossop wishes to play football, sir." football humor jeeves jeeves-and-wooster message telegram P.G. Wodehouse
58f0a3d The duchess turned on Eugene with one of those insolent stares that envelop a man from head to foot, flatten him out, and leave him at zero. humor Honoré de Balzac
5dc5162 "You know what you need?" "What?" "You need to think about what a badass bald man would do in this situation" "There are no badass bald men. By definition." "What about Dwight D. Eisenhower?" Carlos suggested. "President Eisenhower?" "Doesn't he qualify as a badass?" Carlos insisted. "Look, he may have been president, but he doesn't exactly come to people's minds when you ask them to think of a badass." "All right. How about Kojak?" Carlos asked. "That police detective show with Telly Savalas?" Sammy asked. "Yeah, Kojak. He was a badass. Always cool under pressure." "All right," Sammy replied. "Let's just say, for the sake of argument, that Kojak was a bald badass. So what?' "So you have to imagine how Kojak would deal with this situation we have in front of us. He wouldn't be worried about whether this girl digs bald guys. He would just walk right up to her, knowing that he's a badass and just take care of business. You see, it's all in the delivery." dating heeb humor kojak relationships Zack Love
9351e8e Freedom was the price of privacy. humor inspirational Susanna Kaysen
8619649 There are two Venices I know about and one of them is a hotel in Vegas. The other is an L.A. beach where pretty girls walk their dogs while wearing as little as possible and mutant slabs of tanned, posthuman beef sip iced steroid lattes and pump iron until their pecs are the size of Volkswagens. humor society Richard Kadrey
2100dd8 There was no one to really argue with, but Mama managed it expertly every chance she had. She could argue with the entire world in that kitchen and almost every evening, she did. humor Markus Zusak
5a0be44 "Is your dog in a coma?" Quinn asked when the dog didn't move a muscle. "No. Lump leads an active and demanding internal life that requires long periods of rest." humor Nora Roberts
2b2082b If I can't suck your milkshake through a straw, it's not a milkshake--it's a glass of ice cream. humor ice-cream milkshake milkshakes Bill Maher
2ae45bf it will be generally found that the popular joke is not true to the letter, but is true to the spirit. The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the fact. humor humour jokes truths G.K. Chesterton
a1dfac6 While the churches, bringing the sweet smell of piety for the soul, came in prancing and farting like brewery horses in bock-beer time, the sister evangelism, with release and joy for the body, crept in. silently and greyly, with its head bowed and its face covered. humor philosophical John Steinbeck
2ac9962 THE NECESSITY OF APPEARING IN YOUR OWN FACE There are days when that is the last place in the world that you want to be but you have to be there, like a movie, because it -----features you. humor Richard Brautigan
bccccbc I'm sorry, but !' I yelped and skipped backward as Gorg advanced on me. 'You were given bad information. Probably some human's fault.' I AM PRINCIPAL ANGER COORDINATOR ASSOCIATE-OF-THE-MONTH GORG FOUR-GORG! HUMANS WILL GIVE ME BAD INFORMATION !' He didn't look like a principal. He looked like something Hercules ought to be wrestling on the side of a vase. humor Adam Rex
885e469 Out last chance is a cat's magic sight. We are doomed. cat humor magic Laurell K. Hamilton
0b89b26 The body, the mind, and the spirit don't form a pyramid, they form a circle. Each of them runs into the other two. The body isn't below the mind and the spirit; from the point of view it's between them. if you reside too much in the mind, then you get too abstract and cut off from the world. You long for the spiritual life, but you can't get to it, and you fall into despair. The exercise of the senses frees you from abstraction and opens the way to transcendence. balance humor spirituality Jane Smiley
755654f " "I saw a dog pursuing automobiles; On and on he sped. I was puzzled by this; I accosted the dog. 'If you catch one,' I said 'What will you do with it?' 'Dumb cat,' he cried, And ran on." humor stephen-crane Henry N. Beard
b5d06f2 "The whole "lets find Bigfoot" thing seems a little ill-planned to me, personally. Granted, my perspective is different than that of non-wizards, but marching out into the woods looking for a very large and very powerful creature by blasting out what you're pretty sure are territorial challenges to fight (or else mating calls) seems... somewhat unwise. I mean, if there's no Bigfoot, no problem. But what if you're standing there, screaming "Bring it on!" and find a Bigfoot? Worse yet, what if he finds you? Even worse, what if you were screaming "Do me, baby!" and he finds you then? Is it me? Am I carzy? Or does the whole thing just seem like a recipe for trouble?" humor Jim Butcher
730dc49 If you're Natalie Dormer, you can take big fashion risks and shave half your head, and it looks good. If you're a normal person and you try that, you just look like you had recent brain surgery. humor Mindy Kaling
99d15f2 Honestly, the only question most Americans ask about a new building at this point is basically: Is it a soul-sucking eyesore of cheap-ass despair? It's not? Whew. architecture humor Sarah Vowell
0ea7073 "Don't give me that look," I told the cat. "You've caught one mouse since you've been here. And what do you get in return? Food, shelter, and a human servant to clean up your shit. You didn't even warn me when someone was at the door." "Because his sixth sense tells him I can be trusted." "Then his sixth sense is broken." gabriel humor olivia pet-talk sixth-sense Kelley Armstrong
7146075 It is perhaps a sign of the strength of our republic that so few people feel the need to participate. That must be the reason. humor voting Jon Stewart
28b7d0c "Fat-heided creatures, the Carmichaels," she said judiciously. "Loyal enough, but stubborn as rocks." "Thus sayeth a Fraser," I remarked. "The Carmichaels must be something special in that line." humor jenny-murray stubbornness Diana Gabaldon
9c1459d "He's such a dear, Mr. Garnet. A beautiful, pure, bred Persian. He has taken prizes." "He's always taking something - generally food." -- humor P.G. Wodehouse
6fd20a6 "Would you have references?" "I'm awfully sorry but I haven't. I just arrived in New York, and don't know a soul. Except you." I smiled but she didn't smile back. She stood hesitating, and I said, "It's true that I'm an escaped convict, an active counterfeiter, and occasional murderer. And I howl during the full of the moon. But I'm neat." humor references tenants Jack Finney
0f6979e My mouth was dry as cotton and my head hurt like hell. I tried to lift it, and the effort left me shaken and nauseated. I satisfied myself with just shifting my eyes around. I thought of all the books I'd read, all the mysteries. Spencer wouldn't have ended up this way. Neither would Kinsey Milhone. Or Henry O. Or Stephanie Plum, Well, yeah, maybe Stephanie Plum. humor mysteries Charlaine Harris
106382d New Rule: Someone must x-ray my stomach to see if the Peeps I ate on Easter are still in there, intact and completely undigested. And I'm not talking about this past Easter. I'm talking about the last time I celebrated Easter, in 1962. easter humor peeps Bill Maher
106b428 "More recently, during a debate in the House of Lords in 1978 one of the members said: "If there is a more hideous language on the face of the earth than the American form of English, I should like to know what it is." (We should perhaps bear in mind that the House of Lords is a largely powerless, nonelective institution. It is an arresting fact of British political life that a Briton can enjoy a national platform and exalted status because he is the residue of an illicit coupling 300 years before between a monarch and an orange seller.)" english humor politics Bill Bryson
8c017b2 The pleasant fact is that the British are not much good at violent crime except in fiction, which is of course as it should be. humor humour travel Bill Bryson
306c432 A fallow mind is a field of discontent. aviation bahamas carl-hiaasen cuba humor john-d-macdonald key-west mystery randy-wayne-white thriller tim-dorsey tom-corcoran John H. Cunningham
6b36e41 "You have been spying all along," Conrad said, unconvinced. "The manhunt for you was a ruse." "Check with the emperor," Ferrin replied coolly. brandon humor mull rebellion seeds Brandon Mull
30935ad Classroom Activities 1. Using felt and yarn, make a hand puppet of . Ta-da! You're ! antonin-scalia clarence-thomas humor scotus Jon Stewart
278d160 Being a geological formation gives you a lot of time to think. Also, I subscribed to a number of learned journals. fantasy humor Neil Gaiman
86876cb Is everything all right? Is everything all right? Hmm, hold on a minute, let me see . . . my mom is going out with my Algebra teacher, a subject I'm flunking, by the way; my best friend hates me; I'm fourteen years old and I've never been asked out; I don't have any breasts; and oh, I just found out I'm the princess of Genovia. humor mia-thermopolis Meg Cabot
9e40015 "A misunderstanding?" Elizabeth echoed. "With an anvil?" "Oh, stop," Harriet admonished her. "I think he looks very dashing." "As if he dashed into an anvil." humor Julia Quinn
14ec96d "Nevertheless, he had, on a certain star-lit evening, said wonderingly and quite reverently: "Deh moon looks like hell, don't it?" humor naturalism Stephen Crane
26f2530 "I don't get it. I'm sexually attractive to a remarkable degree-" "And humble." "It's not bragging if it's true. And I'm his-which means, this is in the bag. Or should be." humor sabine Kresley Cole
65ec472 Some things were above my pay grade. Actually, there were things that slithered on their bellies that were higher than my pay grade. humor humour work Jodi Taylor
1534476 Inside the pub, Richard's friends continued to celebrate his forthcoming departure with an enthusiasm that, to Richard, was beginning to border on the sinister. going-away humor Neil Gaiman
7a3383f There are a lot of things I can't control. I don't know what's going to happen in the next few days.I don't want what I am going to face, what kind of choices I am going to have to make. I can't predict it. I can't control it. It's too big.' I nodded at my shovel. 'But that, I can predict. I know that if I pick up that shovel and clear the snow from the walkways, it's going to make my neighbors safer and happier.' I glanced at him and shrugged. 'It's worthwhile to me. humor life Jim Butcher
057733d Imagine trying to live in a world dominated by dihydrogen oxide, a compound that has no taste or smell and is so variable in its properties that it is generally benign but at other times swiftly lethal. Depending on its state, it can scald you or freeze you. In the presence of certain organic molecules it can form carbonic acids so nasty that they can strip the leaves from trees and eat the faces off statuary. In bulk, when agitated, it can strike with a fury that no human edifice could withstand. Even for those who have learned to live with it, it is an often murderous substance. We call it water. humor water Bill Bryson
26d19bf "I hold the biscuits in front of his face and he stands up. "What do I have to do?" he says. "Nothing," I say. "They're for you." "Are they poisoned?" he says. "No," I say. "Eat one," he says. So I do. "Probably the others are poisoned," he says. "Eat a fraction of each." I eat a corner off each biscuit. He looks at the reminders suspiciously, then sniffs them. "I'm not sure it's worth it," he says. "How I wish you'd never come. Perhaps you've left the poison off of just those corners." I begin to realize I'll doubt whatever information he gives me. "Lick the entire biscuit," he says. "Then give them to me." So I lick each biscuit. "Both sides," he says. I lick both sides of each biscuit. I give him the wet biscuits and he cracks them open and sniffs them. Then he puts them in his pocket. "What do you want?" he says. "Now that you've failed to poison me to death." doubt humor paranoia poisoning George Saunders
3f5b030 He said that we had just had an argument, what more did I want? It was too polite, I said. humor Alice Munro
163c260 ...It's probably polite to pretend you don't see people coming out of pawnshops, anyhow. humor pawn-shop polite Dashiell Hammett
24c3df5 "I said the first thing that came into my head unfortunately. "Save the drama for your mama " I told her just like an eleven-year-old." -- humor Charlaine Harris
7895184 If you can try to nap where someone's sitting, Although there is another empty chair, Then rub against his ankle without quitting Until he rises from your favorite lair; If you can whine and whimper by a portal Until the bolted door is opened wide, Then howl as if you've got a wound that's mortal Until he comes and lets you back inside; If you can give a guest a nasty spiking, But purr when you are petted by a thief; If you can find the food not to your liking Because they put some cheese in with the beef; If you can leave no proffered hand unbitten, And pay no heed to any rule or ban, then all will say you are a Cat, my kitten. And -- which is more -- you'll make a fool of Man! humor rudyard-kipling Henry N. Beard
644610c Oh, for the love of God. There is no agent more agent than you. I swear you have pin-striped ties encrypted into your DNA. When you die, the coffin is going to read Property of the FBI. humor sarcasm Lisa Gardner
16cb225 "Snarling an oath from an Icelandic saga, I reclaimed my place at the head of the queue. "Oy!" yelled a punk rocker, with studs in his cranium. "There's a fackin' queue!" Never apologize, advises Lloyd George. Say it again, only this time, ruder. "I know there's a 'fackin' queue'! I already queued in it once and I am going to queue in it again just because Nina Simone over there won't sell me a ruddy ticket!" A colored yeti in a clip-on uniform swooped. "Wassa bovver?" "This old man here reckons his colostomy bag entitles him to jump the queue," said the skinhead, " make racist slurs about the lady of Afro-Caribbean extraction in the advance-travel window." I couldn't believe I was hearing this." humor london punk racism skinhead David Mitchell
3b7215c Here comes Mamma Vauquerr, fair as a starrr; and strung up like a bunch of carrots. Aren't we suffocating ourselves a wee bit?' he asked, placing a hand on the top of her corset. 'A bit of a crush in the vestibule, here, Mamma! If we start crying, there'll be an explosion. Never mind, I'll be there to collect the bits--just like an antiquary.' 'Now, there's the language of true French gallantry,' murmured Madame Vauquer in an aside to Madame Couture. comedy good-natured humor mockery obliviousness wit Honoré de Balzac
030bc5e The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then they get elected and prove it. democrats government humor politics republicans P.J. O'Rourke
779d11f He rolled his eyes. Why was he surprised about anything having to do with her? Of course she'd be able to lift a large stone. She was Henry. She could probably lift him. humor Julia Quinn
b238a4f I quietly cast camouflage on myself, which is the nearest I can come to invisibility. It binds my pigment to my surroundings, so that I become practically invisible when I remain still. People can see me if I move quickly, but if I imitate the Rock of Gibraltar they have to really know I'm there to spot me. I figured it was best: Naked women rarely welcome the approach of strange naked men, except in porn movies. humor Kevin Hearne
56257fe What exactly did mean, while he was on the subject? That Delaney needed to have sex? that she craved an orgasm? And if that were the case, why couldn't she just take care of the matter on her won in the privacy of her home without putting him through all this torture? Anything was preferable to the thought of her being with Jake. humor needs romance sex Sarah Mayberry
2325ea0 (Frances has gotten out of bed again and come to her parents' room...) 'How can the wind have a job?' asked Frances. ' has a job,' said Father. 'I have to go to my office every morning at nine o'clock. That is my job. You have to go to sleep so you can be wide awake for school tomorrow. That is job.' Frances said, 'I know, but...' Father said, 'I have not finished. If the wind does not blow the curtains, he will be out of a job. If I do not go to the office, I will be out of a job. And if you do not go to sleep now, do you know what will happen to you?' 'I will be out of a job?' said Frances. 'No,' said Father. 'I will get a spanking?' said Frances. 'Right!' said Father. 'Good night!' said Frances, and she went back to her room. humor jobs spanking stalling Russell Hoban
5e9f623 "...for all that people have tried to abuse it and disown it. "feminism" is still the word we need. No other word will do. And let's face it, there has been no other word, save "Girl Power" -- which makes you sound like you're into some branch of Scientology owned by Geri Halliwell. That "Girl Power" has been the sole rival to the word "feminism" in the last 50 years is a cause for much sorrow on behalf of the women. After all, P. Diddy has had four different names, and he's just one man." humor Caitlin Moran
4b7fb65 There were dumplings on the train, sold by grim men and women with deep lines cut into their faces by years and worry and hunger and misery. This was the provinces, the outer territories, the mysterious China that had sent millions of girls and boys to Canton to earn their fortunes in the Pearl River Delta. Matthew knew all their strange accents, he spoke their strange Mandarin language, but he was Cantonese, and these were not his people. Those were not his dumplings. funny humor Cory Doctorow
5ece4f1 His red hair was buzz cut, and he wore his ill-fitting suit like something that he planned to rip his way out of when he turned into the Hulk. humor Jim Butcher
94096d1 It was time for tea as it so often was. humor Alexander McCall Smith
04240a0 "You'll be reading the breakfast menu without me before you know it." Hmm, maybe I don't want to learn French" humor Stephanie Perkins
97e2230 The red tongues that went licking up my heap of wood were an altogether new and strange thing to Weena. humor science-fiction H.G. Wells
3659743 Old enough to remember the arrival of 'Have a nice day', Patrick could only look with alarm on the hyperinflation of 'Have a great one'. Where would this Weimar of bullying cheerfulness end? 'You have a profound and meaningful day now. humor Edward St. Aubyn
bdb88f8 What is Time, O sister of similar features, that you speak of it so subserviently? Are we to be the slaves of the sun, that secondhand overrated knob of gilt, or of his sister, that fatuous circle of silver paper? A curse upon their ridiculous dictatorship! humor time Mervyn Peake
381dc1a Swelter, as soon as he saw who it was, stopped dead, and across his face little billows of flesh ran swiftly here and there until, as though they had determined to adhere to the same impulse, they swept up into both oceans of soft cheek, leaving between them a vacuum, a gaping segment like a slice cut from a melon. It was horrible. It was as though nature had lost control. As though the smile, as a concept, as a manifestation of pleasure, had been a mistake, for here on the face of Swelter the idea had been abused. fantasy humor Mervyn Peake
288e0f2 "Help me out," I pleaded. "You've left me alone to deal with this situation, and now we're being dealt the consequences." I swore I heard Tom growl. I actually pulled the phone from my ear to stare at it to make sure it hadn't turned into a tiny lion." -- fantasy fiction gabriella-moretti humor joseph-carter keepers novella timeless-series tom-morris ya young-adult Laura Kreitzer
8c9eb5a My father was a man, and I know the sex pretty well. gender humor men sex women Elizabeth Gaskell
1f500fd She reaches down into her bulging tote bag and pulls out a small plastic box with a hinged lid. It contains a round pill box with a threaded lid from which she tips out a vitamin pill, a fish-oil pill, and the enzyme tablet that lets her stomach digest milk. Inside the hinged plastic box she also carries packets of salt, pepper, horseradish, and hand-wipes, a doll size bottle of Tabasco sauce, chlorine pills for treating drinking water, Pepto-Bismol chews, and God knows what else. If you go to a concert, Bina has opera glasses. If you need to sit on the grass, she whips out a towel. Ant traps, a corkscrew, candles and matches, a dog muzzle, a penknife, a tiny aerosol can of freon, a magnifying glass - Landsman has seen everything come out of that overstuffed cowhide at one time or another. humor lists purses Michael Chabon
659cf33 Quick! To the Bat-Fax! humor Bill Watterson
a61877c "And this? Aldhelm of Malmesbury. Listen to this page: 'Primitus pantorum procerum poematorum pio potissimum paternoque presertim privilegio panegiricum poemataque passim prosatori sub polo promulgatas.' ... The words all begin with the same letter!" "The men of my islands are all a bit mad," William said proudly." british-humour humor the-british-are-mad Umberto Eco
8cd3cc5 "Maybe she's got a Facebook page, like every other kid in America. We could put something on her wall." Her eyes lit up very briefly before she slumped. "No, she's far too paranoid for that." "I was joking." "Yes, but you know how kids are about Facebook." "But she's hiding from an eight-foot-tall sociopathic werewolf wizard who can call down lightning bolts." "We're also talking about Facebook." Tristan contemplated her. "I think I need to feed you. Your blood sugar must be getting low." facebook humor tristan Angela Knight
5f8c42d After the gratifications of brutish appetites are past, the greatest pleasure then is to get rid of that which entertained it. battle-of-the-sexes don-quixote dorothea humor life love lust pleasure sex truth Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra
57eefab You can take the barbarian out of the tavern, but he can take the blood out of your body. humor short-stories violence Greg X. Graves
2374905 "Just a month after the completion of the Declaration of Independence, at a time when he delegates might have been expected to occupy themselves with more pressing concerns -like how they were going to win the war and escape hanging- Congress quite extraordinarily found time to debate business for a motto for the new nation. (Their choice, E Pluribus Unum, "One from Many", was taken from, of all places, a recipe for salad in an early poem by Virgil.)" humor language Bill Bryson
0197fcc The potatoes were starch grenades. The canned carrots were revolting because that is their nature. humor David Mitchell
bdb994c "Xingu!" she scoffed. "Why, it was the fact of our knowing so much more about it than she did--unprepared though we were--that made Osric Dane so furious. I should have thought that was plain enough to everybody!" dangerous-philosophy didacticism humor manners new-york pretension puns Edith Wharton
af1bc5b "New Rule: Whenever you think the Tea Party can't get any dumber, they get dumber. Now they're in love with Donald Trump. Because nothing says "We're serious about fiscal responsibility" quite like a billionaire whose corporations have filed for bankruptcy three times." humor Bill Maher
bafd06a "Sex," the driver said, "Has no one ever told you about it?" I took the New York Times from my carry-on bag and pretended to read, an act that apparently explained it all. "Ohhh," the driver said, "I understand. You do not like pussy. You like the dick. Is that it?" I brought the paper close to my face, and he stuck his arm through the little window and slapped the back of his seat. "David," he said, "David, listen to me when I am talking to you. I asked do you like the dick?" "I just work," I told him. "I work, and then I go home, and then I work some more." I was trying to set a good example, trying to be the person I'd imagined him to be, but it was a lost cause. "I fucky-fuck every day," he boasted. "Two women. I have a wife and another girl for the weekend. Two kind of pussy. Are you sure you no like to fucky-fuck?" If forced to, I can live with the word "pussy," but "fucky-fuck" was making me carsick. "That is not a real word," I told him. "You can say fuck, but fucky-fuck is just nonsense. Nobody talks that way. You will never get ahead with that kind of language." Traffic thickened because of an accident, and, as we slowed to a stop, the driver ran his tongue over his lips. "Fucky-fuck," he repeated. "I fucky-fucky-fucky fuck." humor sex David Sedaris
9b5ab8b "Hasn't stopped us before. And besides, if they wanted to kill us, we'd be dead by now and would be having an entirely different conversation. I wonder if I'd still be mad at you, or if we would talk in words or pictures. Maybe in smells. That would be cool." -Janco" afterlife-speculation funny-and-random funny-but-true funny-quotes humor thought-provoking Maria V. Snyder
1ba5e57 "Marla said, "This isn't like when guys sit backward on the toilet and pretend it's a motorcycle. This is a genuine accident." humor motorcycle page-108 Chuck Palahniuk
69db0cc My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it. humor marriage Craig Ferguson
60491de "...What do you do with all your money?" "Me and the French hoard gold." funny gold hoarding humor money Dashiell Hammett
55e650d "That will solve nothing, my lord." His wife strode into the kitchen, stiff pride shining in her eyes. "I told you to keep her in hand." Brodick glared at his cousin, wondering just when his life had turned inside out. Druce scowled at the sweet smile Brodrick's wife cast toward him. He lifted his finger and pointed at her. "She bit me." -- humor pride Mary Wine
25400ef My friend Kathy is the only person who'll be halfway honest with me. 'Did you ever see a cowboy film, where someone has been caught by the Indians and tied between two wild stallions, each pulling in opposite directions?' she asked. I nodded mutely. 'That's a bit what giving birth is like. humor Marian Keyes
1b6d740 If he's like any other man I've ever met, it's not my smile he's going to be looking at. brad-thor fiction humor life men scot-harvath thriller Brad Thor
3bfef1b I still want it to die. Like immediately. With fire. humor Karin Slaughter
2d6695d Would you like a glass or are you still being obnoxious? humor jonathan-hale Krista Ritchie
63a35fa "Dash it, they've got no heads!' 'No, but you see, Freddy, they are so very old! They have been damaged.' explained Miss Charing. 'Damaged! I should rather think so! They haven't got any arms either! Well, if this don't beat the Dutch! And just look at this, Kit!' humor Georgette Heyer
37d28fa I was doing the new Summer Lady a favor, running down a rogue storm sylph. Got to go all over the place in those tornado-chaser geekmobiles. You should have seen the look on the driver's face when he realized that the tornado was chasing . humor Jim Butcher
0d8b3fb Very few conversations with Charles Dickens did not include a laugh from him. I had never met a man so given to laughter. Almost no moment or context was too serious for this author not to find some levity in it, as some of us had discovered to our embarrassment at funerals. humor Dan Simmons
895b890 "My only companion from the outside world during nineteen years of isolation has been my personal hatred of Thursday Next. It's kind of like the old me suddenly taking over, and I promised myself that this was how I would act if I ever saw you.' 'I have the same thing, but with Tom Stoppard,' I said. 'You'd kill Tom Stoppard?' 'Not at all. I promised myself many years ago that I would throw myself at his feet and scream "I'm not worthy!" if I ever met him, so now if we're ever at the same party or something, I have to be at pains to avoid him. It would be undignified, you see--for him and for me." fandom hatred humor Jasper Fforde
0d9c061 "After Hiram Bingham built the first church on Oahu the student recalls, "When it was completed some of the natives said among themselves, 'That house of worship built by the haoles is a place in which they will pray us all to death. It is meant to kill us." god humor religion Sarah Vowell
7f4f40e V.L.A.D.: Vampire League Against Discrimination. funny humor vampires vlad Carrie Vaughn
409372a "...indeed, with the Radletts, you never could tell. Why, for instance, would Victoria bellow like a bull and half kill Jassy whenever Jassy said, in a certain tone of voice, pointing her finger with a certain look, "Fancy?" I think they hardly knew why, themselves." humor nonsense Nancy Mitford
579d111 I mean, this man was not /Voltaire/ we killed. humor Donna Tartt
7bebf0a I am drawn to Tom Sawyer Island because a tribute to Mark Twain would not be out of place in a theme park of my own design. Should Vowell World ever get enough investors, I'm going to stick my Tom Sawyer Island in Love and Death in the American Novel Land right between the Jay Gatsby Swimming Pool and Tom Joad's Dust Bowl Lanes, a Depression-themed bowling alley renting artfully worn-out shoes. as-i-lay-dying great-gatsby humor mark-twain tom-sawyer Sarah Vowell
2ce6a9a 'We're not... we haven't been writing poetry and sprinkling rose petals and tripping hand in hand under rainbows, Kay.' 'Just because you have Y chromosomes doesn't mean you can't tell each other how you feel, Dylan. Your penises won't fall off if you do.' feelings humor m-m-romance Kim Fielding
96de60d "And you, Lord Bridgerton," she replied in a tone that could have frozen champagne, "are almost as handsome as your brother." Colin snorted again, only this time it sounded as if he were being strangled. "Are you all right?" Miss Sheffield asked. "He's fine," Anthony barked. She ignored him, keeping her attention on Colin. "Are you certain?" Colin nodded furiously. 'Tickle in my throat." "Or perhaps a guilty conscience?" Anthony suggested. funny humor the-viscount-who-loved-me Julia Quinn
99ae9a7 "Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)" I thinks she's going to break my heart" On arrival of the girl" The flannel is fine honey,but I have'nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman!" funny-and-random humor Christopher Moore
2a9f5aa "If I ever invade Calderon again," he said, "it will be in the summer." humor Jim Butcher
a7a30ab An ordinary man can enjoy breakfasting on juice and rye bread. But when you are underfed, scorned, miserable or just plain bored, you don't want to eat dull wholesome food. You want something a little more colourful, exciting, tastier, meatier and juicier. animated cat-haee cathaee children-s-books dark dark-humor edward-gorey enhanced-epub3 general-fiction graphic-novel haee humor illustrated-books lessons life middlings pets quirky quirky-characters r-s-vern series shel-silverstein tim-burton trilogy young-adults R.S. Vern
6630ab5 "What the hell was your pal Bertin demanding?" he asked. "Sipping syrup?" "It's a cocktail he prefers when he gets, ah, overly excited." "A cocktail?" "Of sorts. Lemon-lime soda, vodka, codeine in solution, and a Jolly Rancher candy." "A what?" "Bertin prefers the watermelon-flavored variety." D'Agosta shook his head. "Christ. Only in Louisiana." "Actually, I understand the concoction originated in Houston." humor Douglas Preston
2b3d8c1 Anyone who thought this would be a weak point in the manor's defenses would have a rude surprise, shortly before coming down with a serious case of death. humor Mercedes Lackey
16f97e9 "It's kind of interesting you're driving a car big enough for a wolfhound and a mastiff to get in the back of today," I said. "And a greyhound, a dark brown bear, and a brindle utility vehicle," said Jill. "Greyhounds don't take up much room," I said. "They're like dog silhouettes." greyhounds humor Robin McKinley
8380e37 His books commingled democratically, united under the all-inclusive flag of Literature. Some were vertical, some horizontal, and some actually placed behind others. Mine were balkanized by nationality and subject matter. humor Anne Fadiman
0bb1085 Among the dragons, the prohibition against asking direct questions did not exist, and-as Harrier discovered immediately-dragons were even more outrageous gossips than sailors. dragons gossip humor jamese-mallory location-6262 mercedes-lackey page-344 the-phoenix-unchained Mercedes Lackey
a8052ce It's hard to imagine talking to Lucy. But I can imagine sleeping with her. I have been imagining it quite regularly. I can't stop imagining it. Maybe it's time for my first Lucy Branch, my first truly physical relationship. And why do I assume it would be a bad thing? Maybe it's better with someone different from you. I could teach her how fluorocarbons affect the ozone. She could teach me about oral sex. We would both become better people. humor sex Blake Nelson
82eb836 Majid gave me a brief dazzling golden stare and then half-lidded his eyes again. I know when my life is being threatened. humor Robin McKinley
2fe68e3 "I'll keep it in my bedside drawer, in case I'm woken in the middle of the night and mistake the cat for an intruder. An honest accident." "You're not shooting the cat. It would leave a mess." gabriel gun humor olivia Kelley Armstrong
56e4fb9 I used to jog but it's bad for the knees. Too much beta carotene turns you orange, too much calcium gives you kidney stones. Health kills. humor sarcasm Margaret Atwood
8864002 The ocean is a Turing machine, the sand is its tape; the water reads the marks in the sand and sometimes erases them and sometimes carves new ones with tiny currents that are themselves a response to the marks. humor inspirational math ocean Neal Stephenson
34a5df3 How gratifying it is to amuse. How easy it gets to toss off a witticism to ease any awkwardness, to sidestep any solemnity. When you amuse, it even seems, for the briefest possible moment that you are who you appear to be, so clever and confident and at ease. coping humor Caroline Kettlewell
38c7df3 "As we reached the wooded hill that led to the pipe, Cheater said, "Uh-oh." "What's wrong?" I asked. "Is anyone here thinking about kicking the crap out of me?" he asked. "Not me," I said. "Me either," Lucky said. "Maybe tomorrow," Flinch told him. "But not at the moment." hidden talents" humor David Lubar
6ea45d5 The Scooby gang doesn't travel because they are looking for crimes to solve. They travel because they're one step ahead of the deprogrammers. Somehow, Fred's got them all snookered. It probably has something to do with the Scooby Snacks. humor scooby-doo John Scalzi
2f4aee6 Sorry. I forgot your lust for small talk. And how have you been in the fourteen hours since we last spoke, eight of which you were sleeping? humor Jennifer Crusie
2d130fe "With the rise of classical Greece, the soul debate evolved into the more familiar heart-versus-brain, the liver having been demoted to an accessory role. We are fortunate that this is so, for we would otherwise have been faced with Celine Dion singing "My Liver Belongs to You" and movie houses playing The Liver Is a Lonely Hunter. Every Spanish love song that contains the word corazon, which is all of them, would contain the somewhat less lilting higado, and bumper stickers would proclaim, "I [liver symbol] my Pekingese." humor liver science soul Mary Roach
ea7f6f4 We pretend to catch and eat more pretend bugs than could ever actually live in one cave. The number of pretend bugs we pretend to catch and eat would in reality basically fill a cave the size of our cave. humor George Saunders
f1153cd "It's a fucking pharmaceutical conspiracy, Eve. We've wiped out just about every known plague, disease, and infection. Oh, we come up with a new one every now and again, to give the researchers something to do. But none of these bright-eyed medical types, none of the medi-computers can figure out how to cure the common fucking cold. You know why?" Even couldn't stop the smile. She waited patiently until Mavis finished another bout of explosive sneezing. "Why?" "Because the pharmaceutical companies need to sell drugs. You know what a damn sinus tab costs? You can get anticancer injections cheaper. I swear it." humor peabody J.D. Robb
eb0c835 "Strauss! Oh yes, he was so-so. He wrote pretty music- But what is that compared to Mozart?' Suddenly, Bess and George spotted Nancy coming towards them. 'Nancy!' the cousins chimed simultaneously and raced toward her. 'I see our bus driver is still at it.' Nancy grinned. 'All the way from Salzburg." George groaned. 'Did he run off the road again?' 'Not once but many times,' Bess said. 'It was awful. Once he got so angry because someone compared Beethoven to Mozart that he actually stopped the bus, ran outside, and shouted into the valley, Over and over. The professor had to go out and drag him back to the bus." humor mozart nancy-drew Carolyn Keene
edee6a0 At best he read popular science magazines like the Scientific American he had now, to keep himself up-to-date, in layman's terms, with physics generally. But even then his concentration was marred, for a lifetime's habit made him inconveniently watchful for his own name. He saw it as if in bold. It could leap out at him from an unread double page of small print, and sometimes he could sense it coming before the page turn. humor ian-mcewan physics science Ian McEwan
e4ce30b "I heard about them Rangers on TV," Grandma said. "I heard they get dogs pregnant." -Grandma Mazur" humor Janet Evanovich
d184d82 Oh, go right ahead,' she replied. 'You seem to have such an affinity for canines.' 'Clearly,' he shot back, keeping his voice low so that Mary could not hear, 'they are not so different from women. Both breeds hang on my every word. humor Julia Quinn
c52f424 This person has hoped and dreamed and now it is really happening and this person can hardly believe it. But believing is not an issue here, the time for faith and fantasy is over, it is really really happening. It involves stepping forward and bowing. Possibly there is some kneeling, such as when one is knighted. One is almost never knighted. But this person may kneel and receive a tap on each shoulder with a sword. Or, more likely, this person will be in a car or a store or under a vinyl canopy when it happens. Or online or on the phone. It could be an e-mail re: your knighthood. Or a long, laughing, rambling phone message in which every person this person has ever known is talking on a speakerphone and they are all saying, You have passed the test, it was all just a test, we were only kidding, real life is so much better than that. humor literature short-story Miranda July
e039538 ...you'll see, he said, they'll go back to dividing everything up among the priests, the gringos and the rich, and nothing for the poor, naturally, because they've always been so fucked up that the day that shit is worth money, poor people will be born without an asshole... corruption human-nature humor Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez
ff5921a "There's a saying," Aeneas said: "Keep an eye on Greeks when they offer gifts." He spoke wryly. "Horses, particularly." humor literature Ursula K. Le Guin
f1f91ad Well, good Christ, how was I supposed to know all that, Hannah? Who looks into the fine points when he's hungry? I'm eight years old and chocolate pudding happens to get me hot. All I have to do is see that deep chocolatey surface gleaming out at me from the refrigerator, and my life isn't my own. humor Philip Roth
cd119af Wrath: look at how their folklore portrays our species. There's Dracula for Christ's sake, an evil bloodsucker who preys on the defenseless. There's piss-poor B movies and porn. And don't get me started on the whole Halloween thing. Plastic fangs. Black capes. The only thing the idiots got right are that we drink blood and that we can't go out in daylight. The rest is bullshit, fabricated to alienate us and stimulate fear in the masses. Or just as offensive, the fiction used to create some kind of mystique for bored humans who think the dark side is a fun place to visit. humor irony wrath J.R. Ward
c8d4222 Not advisable is spread thickly over this entire situation. humor observation C.J. Cherryh
fd76746 How is it you can talk so nicely?' Alice said, hoping to get it into a better temper by a compliment. 'I've been in many gardens before, but none of the flowers could talk.' 'Put your hand down, and feel the ground,' said the Tiger-lily. 'Then you'll know why.' Alice did so. 'It's very hard,' she said, 'but I don't see what that has to do with it.' 'In most gardens,' the Tiger-lily said, 'they make the beds too soft - so that the flowers are always asleep. flowers humor plants Lewis Carroll
be5f5f5 "Straightening, I asked, "What do you believe in?" "Old love songs, best friends, the collected works of J.R.R.Tolkien, crispy pork egg rolls with just the right amount of grease, the Big Boss and eternity." "The Big Boss?" Zachary pointed up, as if to heaven. "Pious,"I teased." best-friends humor Cynthia Leitich Smith
b6db25a New Rule: Churches have to stop ringing the damn bells. It was a good idea in the Middle Ages, but people have clocks now. It's not like you're doing us all a favor by keeping the hunchbacks off the street. Make up your mind, are you a house of worship or an ice cream truck? humor Bill Maher
c0964de "Yeah," Chris said. "I lose a couple limbs getting drunk and falling into harvesting combine, I'm an idiot. I lose the same limbs because I happened to be standing next to the right door when the ship was damaged, I'm a hero." humor sarcasm James S.A. Corey
c1933bf The gilded confines of the Beauty Hall were not my preferred habitat; like the chicken that had laid the eggs for my sandwich, I was more of a free-range creature. eggs eleanor-oliphant funny gail-honeyman humor sandwich Gail Honeyman
c35acae When, however, the lay public rallies round an idea that is denounced by distinguished but elderly scientists and supports that idea with great fervor and emotion--the distinguished but elderly scientists are then, after all, probably right. arthur-charles-clarke clarke humor robotics sci-fi science scientists Isaac Asimov
c4fe19c "Back to my apartment? The FBI is there just waiting to slap handcuffs on me." "Well then I guess you shouldn't have decided to become a terrorist, Harry!" "Hey, I never--" Bob raised his voice and shouted toward the centipedes, "I'm not with him!" humor Jim Butcher
ca169f9 I had never known any man to die while speaking in terza-rima hemingway humor poets terza-rima Ernest Hemingway
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