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513f1bf "Greed (as Ling): You humans always get all "holier-than-thou" when it comes to this stuff... I really don't get you. Edward: It's called having integrity. You should try it sometime" integrity humor fullmetal ling edward-elric Hiromu Arakawa
336ffed My father chose my name , and my last name was chosen by my ancestors . That's enough, I myself choose my way faith funny relationship death religion god humor life love truth inspirational friend Ali Shariati
28ccf10 "I knew it! " "Are we allowed to speak yet?" said Ron grumpily. Hermione ignored him. "Nicolas Flamel," she whispered dramatically, "is the !" This didn't have quite the effect she'd expected. "The what?" said Harry and Ron. "Oh, , don't you two read? Look -- read that, there." humor philosopher-s-stone hermione-granger ron-weasley J.K. Rowling
ee9fa7f We must, we must, we must increase our bust. humor mantra Judy Blume
c41ff74 And I provide much- needed eye candy. humor uriah handsome Veronica Roth
dbcf2e5 On the whole, we're a murderous race. According to Genesis, it took as few as four people to make the planet too crowded to stand, and the first murder was a fratricide. Genesis says that in a fit of jealous rage, the very first child born to mortal parents, Cain, snapped and popped the first metaphorical cap in another human being. The attack was a bloody, brutal, violent, reprehensible killing. Cain's brother Abel probably never saw it coming. As I opened the door to my apartment, I was filled with a sense of empathic sympathy and intuitive understanding. For freaking Cain. murder humor genesis Jim Butcher
611c670 Let's save some time here. I grow weary of your clumsy bluffs. In the case of an abduction, the LEP will send a crack Retrieval team to get back what has been lost.. You have done so. Excuse me while I titter. Crack team? Honestly. A Cub-Scout patrol armed with water pistols could have defeated them. humor Eoin Colfer
8e17567 My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.'-Jace 'Just break the door down, will you?'-Clary humor clary-fray jace-wayland flirting Cassandra Clare
fa44099 Look at all the things that can go wrong for men. There's the nothing-happening-at-all problem, the too-much-happening-too-soon problem, the dismal-droop-after-a-promising-beginning problem; there's the size-doesn't-matter-except-in-my-case problem, the failing-to-deliver-the-goods problem...and what do women have to worry about? A handful of cellulite? Join the club. A spot of I-wonder-how-I-rank? Ditto. sex man men humour humor hornby nick-hornby manly manliness nick Nick Hornby
ab9dac8 "I'm brilliant as well as skilled," he said modestly. "It's a great burden, all of that on top of my angelic good looks. But I try to soldier on as best I can." humor vanity Jim Butcher
66388ca "Ranger is an unusual name," she managed. "Is it a nickname?" It's a street name," Ranger said. "I was a Ranger in the army." I heard about them Rangers on TV," Grandma said. "I heard they get dogs pregnant." My father's mouth dropped open and a piece of ham fell out. My mother froze, her fork poised in midair. That's sort of a joke," I told Grandma. "Rangers don't get dogs pregnant in real life." I looked at Ranger for corroboration and got another smile." humor ranger sobriquet Janet Evanovich
c90f041 Ha-ha! Ah-hahahaha! I am wizard; hear me roar! humor Jim Butcher
02f7700 "What's this " "A needle." "What should I do with it " He'd walked right into it. Too easy. "Please use it to pop your head. It's obscuring my view of the room." humor saiman kate-daniels Ilona Andrews
07f3474 The society killed Kendra. humor love kendra verl fablehaven mull Brandon Mull
969d7b2 "I moved up beside Jamie."I have to go." She frowned at me. "Where?" I pressed a hand to the bottom of my belly. "My bladder.It-" Ah." She gave a small laugh. "We interrupt this life-or-death situation for a pregnancy pee break. Don't see that in the movies, do you?" humor nature-calls jamie Kelley Armstrong
07d121d POZZO: I am blind. (Silence.) ESTRAGON: Perhaps he can see into the future. future funny humor pessimism Samuel Beckett
65a91cd "Percy looked at his friends. "I'm getting tired of this guy's shirt." humor i-can-t jkahsalolololololol Rick Riordan
f8fc11c "What? You run? Coward! Stand still and die!" Percy had no intention of doing that." humor polybotes son-of-neptune percy-jackson-and-the-olympians Rick Riordan
b4f575a Cats gravitate to kitchens like rocks gravitate to gravity. humor Terry Pratchett
3fa4fc5 I'm trying to be diplomatic. The wisdom of my ass is well-known. If I didn't lip off to them, after shooting my mouth off to faerie queens and Vampire Courts--plural, Courts--demigods and demon lords, they might get their feelings hurt. humor sigrun-gard Jim Butcher
2db0152 "It was Will, filling the doorway with his lanky, broad-shouldred frame. His blue eyes where thunderous. "What are you doing here?" he demanded. So much for the brief peace they had achieved the night before. "I am practicing," Cecily said. "You told me I would get no better without practice." "Not you. Gabriel Lightworm over here." Will jerked his chin toward the other boy. "Sorry. ." humor gabriel-lightwood will-herondale Cassandra Clare
a899948 The universe is a million billion light-years wide, and every inch of it would kill you if you went there. This is the position of the universe with regards to human life. humor inspirational satire Martin Amis
82137e3 "Everyone hates clowns," Otis said. "Even other clowns hate clowns." humor otis the-mark-of-athena Rick Riordan
c963721 Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror. humor face ugliness mirror P.G. Wodehouse
9036308 "I'm gonna be percy Jackson when I grow up," she told Hazel solemnly. Hazel Smiled and ruffled her hair. "That's a good thing to be, Julia." "Although," Frank said. "Frank Zhang would be good too." -- humor inspirational frank hero percy hazel Rick Riordan
d69289d I flung open the door. I got a momentary flash of about a hundred and fifteen cats of all sizes and colours scrapping in the middle of the room, and then they all shot past me with a rush and out of the front door; and all that was left of the mobscene was the head of a whacking big fish, lying on the carpet and staring up at me in a rather austere sort of way, as if it wanted a written explanation and apology. fish humor P.G. Wodehouse
7f4973e "Its a perfectly good face, Sparhawk." "It covers the front of my head. What else can you expect from a face?" humor David Eddings
d287d37 "Shane, in case we don't ... don't come out of this, I wanted to say..." He glanced over at her, and she felt her whole body warm from it. She remembered that look. It made her feel naked inside and out, but not in a creepy kind of way. In a way that felt.... Free. "If what you say is true, and I guess it has to be, I think I know why we're ... together," he said. "I think I'd fall for you no matter what, Claire. You're kind of awesome." funny humor eve-rosser myrnin michael-glass ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine shane-collins teacher vampire vampires Rachel Caine
634d914 You look like the vamp who bled the cat. romance humor ivy rachel-morgan vampire Kim Harrison
d289b2a "I was conceived because it would be good for my House to have an heir and because my parents' genes ticked the right set of boxes. You were probably conceived because your parents loved each other." "According to our mother," Bern said, "he was conceived because she was too wasted to remember a rubber." Mad Rogan stopped chewing. "I was conceived because my mother skipped bail. Her boyfriend at the time threatened to call the cops on her so she had to do something to keep him from doing it," Bern said helpfully. Awesome. Just the right kind of information to share. "Aunt Giselea isn't the best mother," I said. "There's one in every family." humor Ilona Andrews
65c5359 Why can't I go to Idris with you, then? Because it's not safe for you there O and it's safe for me here? I've been nearly killed almost a dozen times in the past month. That's because Valentine has been concentrating on the two Mortal Instruments that were here. He's going to shift his focus to Idris now. We all know it-- We're hardly as certain of anything as all that. And the Clave wants to meet Clarissa. You know that, Jace. The Clave can screw itself. humor determination Cassandra Clare
dacedb9 Jocks usually aren't smart. Their muscles feast on their brains. humor jocks Katie McGarry
36051ee "Are you her boyfriend?" ... No, I'm her fiance." Nate said. We've been promised to each other since birth," Summer added. Our wedding isn't until March." marriage humor boyfriends Brandon Mull
4e98ed3 "Enough about my beauty," Buttercup said. "Everybody always talks about how beautiful I am. I've got a mind, Westley. Talk about that." women humor intelligence minds wit William Goldman
6a15f9b You kidding? So many preservatives in these things, I'll live forever. humor fonzies mcschizzle leo hazel Rick Riordan
324c4e5 "I won't snatch, harm, or scare to death people with you or use checking up on you as an excuse to cause trouble. You're worse than my mother, Rachel." "Mine, too," Jenks muttered." humor demon-dealing rachel Kim Harrison
966a538 A real scientist solves problems, not wails that they are unsolvable. science humor inspirational giving-up Anne McCaffrey
3a5dfdf And...I think that's what life is all about, actually humor inspirational Audrey Hepburn
1426b69 I have so much hate that it has turned into love. hate humor love comedy margaret Margaret Cho
793748a "Coach," Annabeth said, "it was an accident. We were talking, and we fell asleep." "Besides," Percy said, "you're starting to sound like Terminus." Hedge narrowed his eyes. "Is that an insult, Jackson? 'Cause I'll-I'll Terminus you, buddy!" -- humor percy-i-love-you-bye roman terminus lol Rick Riordan
2a33bb2 "And then to Leo's surprise, Catherine smiled at him. A sweet, natural, brilliant smile, the first she had ever given him. Leo felt his chest tighten, and he went hot all over, as if some euphoric drug had gone straight to his nervous system. It felt like ... happiness. He remembered happiness from a long time ago. He didn't want to feel it. And yet the giddy warmth kept washing over him for no reason whatsoever. "Thank you," Catherine said, the smile still hovering on her lips. "That is kind of you, my lord. But I will never dance with you." Which, of course, made it the goal of Leo's life." romance humor Lisa Kleypas
aae35af Well, Mr. Frankel, who started this program, began to suffer from the computer disease that anybody who works with computers now knows about. It's a very serious disease and it interferes completely with the work. The trouble with computers is you *play* with them. They are so wonderful. You have these switches - if it's an even number you do this, if it's an odd number you do that - and pretty soon you can do more and more elaborate things if you are clever enough, on one machine. After a while the whole system broke down. Frankel wasn't paying any attention; he wasn't supervising anybody. The system was going very, very slowly - while he was sitting in a room figuring out how to make one tabulator automatically print arc-tangent X, and then it would start and it would print columns and then bitsi, bitsi, bitsi, and calculate the arc-tangent automatically by integrating as it went along and make a whole table in one operation. Absolutely useless. We *had* tables of arc-tangents. But if you've ever worked with computers, you understand the disease - the *delight* in being able to see how much you can do. But he got the disease for the first time, the poor fellow who invented the thing. humor programming Richard P. Feynman
78c7da0 Whatever you do, in the privacy of your own rain shower, is your own business humor Gregory David Roberts
fea4638 Guns, she was reminded then, were not for girls. They were for boys. They were invented by boys. They were invented by boys who had never gotten over their disappointment that accompanying their own orgasm there wasn't a big sound. sex men humor Lorrie Moore
6c4aed0 Everywhere's been where it is ever since it was first put there. It's called geography. humour humor Terry Pratchett
20be73b "Gareth sucked in a breath. Hyacinth's brother wasn't going to make this easy on him. But that didn't matter. He had vowed to do this right, and he would not be cowed. He looked up, meeting the viscount's dark eyes with steady purpose. "I would like to marry Hyacinth," he said. And then, because the viscount did not say anything, because he didn't even move, Gareth added, "Er, if she'll have me." And then about eight things happened at once. Or perhaps there were merely two or three, and it just seemed like eight, because it was all so unexpected. First, the viscount exhaled, although that did seem to understate the case. It was more of a sigh, actually--a huge, tired, heartfelt sigh that made the man positively deflate in front of Gareth. Which was astonishing. Gareth had seen the viscount on many occasions and was quite familiar with his reputation. This was not a man who sagged or groaned. His lips seemed to move through the whole thing, too, and if Gareth were a more suspicious man, he would have thought that the viscount had said, "Thank you, Lord." Combined with the heavenward tilt of the viscount's eyes, it did seem the most likely translation. And then, just as Gareth was taking all of this in, Lord Bridgerton let the palms of his hands fall against the desk with surprising force, and he looked Gareth squarely in the eye as he said, "Oh, she'll have you. She will definitely have you." It wasn't quite what Gareth had expected. "I beg your pardon," he said, since truly, he could think of nothing else. "I need a drink," the viscount said, rising to his feet. "A celebration is in order, don't you think?" "Er...yes?" Lord Bridgerton crossed the room to a recessed bookcase and plucked a cut-glass decanter off one of the shelves. "No," he said to himself, putting it haphazardly back into place, "the good stuff, I think." He turned to Gareth, his eyes taking on a strange, almost giddy light. "The good stuff, wouldn't you agree?" "Ehhhh..." Gareth wasn't quite sure what to make of this. "The good stuff," the viscount said firmly. He moved some books to the side and reached behind to pull out what looked to be a very old bottle of cognac. "Have to keep it hidden," he explained, pouring it liberally into two glasses. "Servants?" Gareth asked. "Brothers." He handed Gareth a glass. "Welcome to the family." -- humor proposal Julia Quinn
fc4c6bf "You just put that sword away, sir, please," said the voice of Lance-Constable Vimes. "You will not shoot me, you young idiot. That would be murder," said the captain calmly. "Not where I'm aiming, sir." humor Terry Pratchett
6cc6c15 Honey, I liked the Harry Potter movies, too, but that doesn't mean I ran out and got a Dark Mark tattooed onto my left forearm like you did. humor Jim Butcher
3b7db46 You should have told her differently,' said Hermione, still with that maddeningly patient air. 'You should have said it was really annoying, but I'd made you promise to come along to the Three Broomsticks, and you really didn't want to go, you'd much rather spend the whole day with her, but unfortunately you thought you really ought to meet me and would she please, please come along with you, and hopefully you'd be able to get away more quickly? And it might have been a good idea to mention how ugly you think I am too,' Hermione added as an afterthought. 'But I don't think you're ugly,' said Harry, bemused. Hermione laughed. harry-potter humor order-of-the-phoenix hermione-granger J.K. Rowling
b882b31 "Gareth sucked in a breath. Hyacinth's brother wasn't going to make this easy on him. But that didn't matter. He had vowed to do this right, and he would not be cowed. He looked up, meeting the viscount's dark eyes with steady purpose. "I would like to marry Hyacinth," he said. And then, because the viscount did not say anything, because he didn't even move, Gareth added, "Er, if she'll have me." And then about eight things happened at once. Or perhaps there were merely two or three, and it just seemed like eight, because it was all so unexpected. First, the viscount exhaled, although that did seem to understate the case. It was more of a sigh, actually--a huge, tired, heartfelt sigh that made the man positively deflate in front of Gareth. Which was astonishing. Gareth had seen the viscount on many occasions and was quite familiar with his reputation. This was not a man who sagged or groaned. His lips seemed to move through the whole thing, too, and if Gareth were a more suspicious man, he would have thought that the viscount had said, "Thank you, Lord." Combined with the heavenward tilt of the viscount's eyes, it did seem the most likely translation. And then, just as Gareth was taking all of this in, Lord Bridgerton let the palms of his hands fall against the desk with surprising force, and he looked Gareth squarely in the eye as he said, "Oh, she'll have you. She will definitely have you." It wasn't quite what Gareth had expected. "I beg your pardon," he said, since truly, he could think of nothing else. "I need a drink," the viscount said, rising to his feet. "A celebration is in order, don't you think?" "Er...yes?" Lord Bridgerton crossed the room to a recessed bookcase and plucked a cut-glass decanter off one of the shelves. "No," he said to himself, putting it haphazardly back into place, "the good stuff, I think." He turned to Gareth, his eyes taking on a strange, almost giddy light. "The good stuff, wouldn't you agree?" "Ehhhh..." Gareth wasn't quite sure what to make of this. "The good stuff," the viscount said firmly. He moved some books to the side and reached behind to pull out what looked to be a very old bottle of cognac. "Have to keep it hidden," he explained, pouring it liberally into two glasses. "Servants?" Gareth asked. "Brothers." He handed Gareth a glass. "Welcome to the family." humor proposal Julia Quinn
1910cc2 It's such a silly little thing, the heart. true humor heart ned ned-vizzini vizzini quotes Ned Vizzini
7cf7075 "I wanted to wake you straightaway, but I knew I had to wait several hours to ensure you were safely recovered." "What! How long has it been?" "Five minutes. I got bored." humor waking-up nathaniel-hawthorne safety sarcasm Jonathan Stroud
36378e5 "It's a training camp," Leo realized. He looked at Aphros in awe. "You train heroes, the same way Chiron does?" Aphros nodded, a glint of pride in his eyes. "We have trained all the famous mer-heroes! Name a merhero, and we have trained him or her!" "Oh, sure," Leo said. "Like...um, the Little Mermaid?" humor omg-leo-ashjagshja lol Rick Riordan
b17bf60 "As for you, Private, if you mention a word of this to anyone, I'll feed you to the cat thing here. Understand?" "Yum," said Mogget. "Yes, sir!" mumbled the telephone operator, his hands shaking as he tried to smother the burning wreckage of his switchboard with a fire blanket." humor Garth Nix
09ae2a7 The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it. politics humor democrats republicans government P.J. O'Rourke
a57b56b She was the most wonderful woman for prowling about the house. How she got from one story to another was a mystery beyond solution. A lady so decorous in herself, and so highly connected, was not to be suspected of dropping over the banisters or sliding down them, yet her extraordinary facility of locomotion suggested the wild idea. humor Charles Dickens
b3a406e "[Jem] looked from Will to Tessa and raised his silvery eyebrows. "A miracle," he said. "You got him to speak." "Just to shout at me, really," said Tessa. "Not quite loaves and fishes." humor miracles Cassandra Clare
1b041e2 "I told Ersken, "Lately it's been like living on the knife's edge, never knowing which side I'll fall off on" Ersken clapped me on the shoulder as we stepped into the street. "Cheer up, Beka. Maybe you were going to fall off that razor's edge before, but not today," he said, as good humored as always. "Today we're doing to jump." humor walking-the-line uncertainty joke Tamora Pierce
976d99d "It's a dirty way to fight, but I'm late for lunch." - Valek to Yelena" fantasy humor valek yelena fight Maria V. Snyder
909561b "He watched in awe as she stacked up an enormous armload of music. "There," she finished, slapping Frank Zappa's Greatest Hits on top of the pile. "That should do for a start." "You are a music lover," said the wide-eyed cashier. "No, I'm a kleptomaniac." And she dashed out the door. He was so utterly shocked that it took him a moment to run after her. With a meaningful nod in the direction of the astounded Cahills, she barreled down the cobblestone street with her load. "Fermati!" shouted the cashier, scrambling in breathless pursuit. Nellie let a few CDs drop and watched with satisfaction over her shoulder as the clerk stopped to pick them up. The trick would be to keep the chase going just long enough for Amy and Dan to search Disco Volante. Yikes, she reflected suddenly, I'm starting to think like a Cahill.... And if she was nuts enough to hang around this family, it was only going to get worse." humor Gordon Korman
2e172f3 Because - oh shut up laughing, you two - because they've just been turned down by girls they asked to the ball! humor pg-399 hp4 yule-ball J.K. Rowling
dc9026b Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn't work. I've tried it. humor David Sedaris
5d373e2 I'm LEP. A captain. No rent-a-cop gnome is going to stand in the way of my orders. humor Eoin Colfer
3bae219 Kill the body and the head will die. humor biography drugs Hunter S. Thompson
a6d46c7 I know a man who drives 600 yards to work. I know a woman who gets in her car to go a quarter of a mile to a college gymnasium to walk on a treadmill, then complains passionately about the difficulty of finding a parking space. When I asked her once why she didn't walk to the gym and do five minutes less on the treadmill, she looked at me as if I were being willfully provocative. 'Because I have a program for the treadmill,' she explained. 'It records my distance and speed, and I can adjust it for degree of difficulty.' It hadn't occurred to me how thoughtlessly deficient nature is in this regard. nature humor Bill Bryson
f38b02b "Arthur shook his head and sat down. He looked up. "I thought you must be dead ..." he said simply. "So did I for a while," said Ford, "and then I decided I was a lemon for a couple of weeks. I kept myself amused all that time jumping in and out of a gin and tonic." humor lemon Douglas Adams
83e73d5 "June cackled with delight, muttering, "Whoops!" as a car almost killed them." humor laugh-at-loud june the-son-of-neptune rick-riordan hilarious Rick Riordan
b67a766 "I suppose the fundamental distinction between Shakespeare and myself is one of treatment. We get our effects differently. Take the familiar farcical situation of someone who suddenly discovers that something unpleasant is standing behind them. Here is how Shakespeare handles it in "The Winter's Tale," Act 3, Scene 3: ANTIGONUS: Farewell! A lullaby too rough. I never saw the heavens so dim by day. A savage clamour! Well may I get aboard! This is the chase: I am gone for ever. And then comes literature's most famous stage direction, "Exit pursued by a bear." All well and good, but here's the way I would handle it: BERTIE: Touch of indigestion, Jeeves? JEEVES: No, Sir. BERTIE: Then why is your tummy rumbling? JEEVES: Pardon me, Sir, the noise to which you allude does not emanate from my interior but from that of that animal that has just joined us. BERTIE: Animal? What animal? JEEVES: A bear, Sir. If you will turn your head, you will observe that a bear is standing in your immediate rear inspecting you in a somewhat menacing manner. BERTIE (as narrator): I pivoted the loaf. The honest fellow was perfectly correct. It was a bear. And not a small bear, either. One of the large economy size. Its eye was bleak and it gnashed a tooth or two, and I could see at a g. that it was going to be difficult for me to find a formula. "Advise me, Jeeves," I yipped. "What do I do for the best?" JEEVES: I fancy it might be judicious if you were to make an exit, Sir. BERTIE (narrator): No sooner s. than d. I streaked for the horizon, closely followed across country by the dumb chum. And that, boys and girls, is how your grandfather clipped six seconds off Roger Bannister's mile. Who can say which method is superior?" (As reproduced in )" shakespeare humor stage-directions winters-tale wooster jeeves P.G. Wodehouse
b016b77 "How'd you get to be so good at this?" "I had a good teacher." "Better not have been Myrnin or I'll have to kick his predatory ass." "I mean you, dummy." "Oh." funny humor myrnin ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine shane-collins teacher vampire vampires Rachel Caine
f4dbaac "They stuff people's heads down the toilet the first day at Stonewall," he told Harry. "Want to come upstairs and practice?" "No, thanks," said Harry. "The poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it -- it might be sick." Then he ran, before Dudley could work out what he'd said." humor J.K. Rowling
7540a5e "Sit your ass down, Don Juanabe," Derek said. "Don Juanabe?" Ascanio pulled out his swords. "Don Juan Wannabe," Derek explained. "See I shortened it. If you still don't get it, I'll write it down for you after the fight." "You've maxed out your wit quota for the night," Ascanio said. "I'm just getting started." "Be careful, you might sprain something in your brain." humor derek banter Ilona Andrews
57f2ad2 "So we get a plan," I said. "Any suggestions?" "Blow up the building," Kincaid said without looking up. "That works good for vampires. Then soak what's left in gasoline. Set it on fire. Then blow it all up again." "For future reference, I was sort of hoping for a suggestion that didn't sound like it came from that Bolshevik Muppet with all the dynamite." humor vampires Jim Butcher
0280dd5 This is a bawdy tale. Herein you will find gratuitous shagging, murder, spanking, maiming, treason, and heretofore unexplored heights of vulgarity and profanity, as well as non-traditional grammar, split infinitives, and the odd wank. humor Christopher Moore
2be56f5 Hello, cell. How are you? Still dank and dirty? Me? I've taken up a new habit: talking to my cell. It's like talking to myself but slightly more pathetic. humor seth-sorenson Brandon Mull
5721163 "A week after Fred and George's departure, Harry witnessed Professor McGonagall walking right past Peeves, who was determinedly loosening a crystal chandelier, and could have sworn he heard her tell the poltergeist out of the corner of her mouth, "It unscrews the other way." humor J.K. Rowling
2df39b1 Bring it, Darth Bathrobe! humor harry-dresden Jim Butcher
a9d6abb "Someday you'll remember what I said and you'll thank me for it." Francie wished adults would stop telling her that. Already the load of thanks in the future was weighing her down. She figured she'd have to spend the best years of her womanhood hunting up people to tell them that they were right and to thank them." humor betty-smith thanks Betty Smith
9123055 What's the trick to remembering that a sandwich is masculine? What qualities does it share with anyone in possession of a penis? I'll tell myself that a sandwich is masculine because if left alone for a week or two, it will eventually grow a beard. humor language David Sedaris
b143500 "I'm not short," Daisy muttered. "Short women are never mysterious, or elegant, or pursued by handsome men. And they're always treated like children. I refuse to be short." humor Lisa Kleypas
1b23e74 "Beatrix puts a distance between herself and the rest of the world. She's very engaging, but also quite private in nature. I see the same qualities in Captain Phelan." "Yes," Amelia said. "You're absolutely right, Catherine. Put that way, the match does seem more appropriate." "I still have reservations," Leo said. "You always do," Amelia replied. "If you'll recall, you objected to Cam in the beginning, but now you've accepted him." "That's because the more brothers-in-law I acquire," Leo said, "the better Cam looks by comparison." humor Lisa Kleypas
c18bd61 "Maybe I should call Aaya!(Shigure) If you call him...(Yuki) humor phone basket fruits yuki kyou shigure eat Natsuki Takaya
386b958 They said I was a valued customer, now they send me hate mail. humour humor shopping Sophie Kinsella
8e54510 "Yeah, I get it; you're a vampire," she said. "Creepy. And okay, a little hot, I admit." "You don't mean that." "Come on. I still like you, you know, even if you... crave plasma." Michael blinked and looked at her as if he had never seen her before. "You what?" "Like. You." Eve enunciated slowly, as if Michael might not know the words. "Idiot. I always have. What, you didn't know?" Eve sounded cool and grown-up about it, but Claire saw the hectic color in her cheeks, under the makeup. "How clueless are you? Does it come with the fangs?" "I guess I... I just thought... Hell. I just didn't think... You're kind of intimidating, you know." "I'm intimidating? Me? I run like a rabbit from trouble, mostly," Eve said. "It's all show and makeup. You're the one who's intimidating. I mean, come on. All that talent, and you look... Well, you know how you look." " How do I look?" He sounded fascinated now, and he'd actually moved a little closer to Eve on the couch. She laughed. "Oh come on. You're a total model-babe." "You're kidding." "You don't think you are?" He shook his head. "Then you're kind of an idiot, Glass. Smart, but and idiot." Eve crossed her arms. "So? What exactly do you think about me, except that I'm intimidating?" "I think you're...you're...ah, interesting?" Michael was amazingly bad at this, Claire thought, but then he saved it by looking away and continuing. "I think you're beautiful. And really, really strange." Eve smiled and looked down, and that looked like a real blush, under the rice powder. "Thanks for that, " she said, "I never thought you knew I existed, or if you did, that you thought I was anything but Shane's bratty freak friend." "Well, to be fair, you are Shane's bratty freak friend." "Hey!" "You can be bratty and beautiful," Michael said. "I think it's interesting." funny humor eve-rosser myrnin michael-glass ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine shane-collins teacher vampire vampires Rachel Caine
e3bd29e Hell's bells. I don't call him the Fist of God as a pet name, folks. humor michael-carpenter Jim Butcher
08dcfe7 Simple,' Tummeler replied.' Blueberries is one of the great forces o'good in the world.' How do you figure that?' said Charles. Well,' said Tummeler, 'have you ever seen a troll, or a Wendigo, or,' he shuddered, 'a Shadow-Born ever eating a blueberry pie?' No,' Charles admitted. There y'go,' said Tummeler. It's cause they can't stand the goodness in it.' Can't argue with you there,' said Charles. Foods is good and evil, just like people, or badgers, or even scowlers.' Evil food?' said Charles. Parsnips,' said Tummeler, 'Them's as evil as they come. humor James A. Owen
6f87199 Discretion prevented me from saying that I thought she was a fiend from the underworld and that mountain lions couldn't force me to enter her service. humor Megan Whalen Turner
54c87de "She was a beautiful woman." Gavner sighed, tracing the outline of one of the elephants. "She just had very bad taste in underwear ..." "And in boyfriends," I added impishly. Mr. Crepsley burst into laughter at that" humor crepsley gavner Darren Shan
13ca1f4 Very deep. You should send that in to the Reader's Digest. They've got a page for people like you. humor fitting-in Douglas Adams
896ce73 And finally, in our time a beard is the one thing that a woman cannot do better than a man, or if she can her success is assured only in a circus. humor John Steinbeck
54e5559 "-"He loved her...It was noble of him. It was beautiful." -"It was stupid." -- humorous funny humor comical comedy sharp witty satire ironic Lloyd Alexander
61cbb07 "Sam's hand brushed her shoulder, and she almost jumped out of her skin as he brought his mouth close to her ear and murmured, "You look beautiful. Though I bet you already know that." She most certainly did." humour humor humourous lol Sarah J. Maas
e855c94 A king of a kingdom no one fucking knows about! I'm the tree in the forest that silently falls--when no one is around to be crushed! [Lothaire, Enemy of Old] humor philosophical-musings Kresley Cole
332c251 ...God created the world in six days. On the seventh day, he rested. On the eighth day, he started getting complaints. And it hasn't stopped since. god humor cynicism James Scott Bell
238cf2c I do not know if all cops are poets, but I know that all cops carry guns with triggers. fiction humor rsas Ralph Ellison
1baff14 "Kinzie smiled smugly. "You admire our base of operations? Yes, our distribution system is worldwide. It took many years and most of our fortune to build. Now, finally, we're turning a profit. The mortals don't realize they are funding the Amazon kingdom. Soon, we'll be richer than any mortal nation. Then--when the weak mortals depend on us for everything--the revolution will begin!" "What are you going to do?" Frank grumbled. "Cancel free shipping?" humor amazons kinzie the-son-of-neptune percy-jackson-and-the-olympians frank-zhang rick-riordan the-heroes-of-olympus Rick Riordan
ef6159e I never saw anybody take so long to dress, and with such little result. humor Oscar Wilde
7a8255b "I think that's possibly the nicest thing you have said to me. Ever." I laughed. "No it's not. I've said nice things to you before." "Like what?" There had to be another situation when I'd said something nice. "Like... when... " I couldn't think of anything. Jeez, I was a bitch. "Okay. That is the first nice thing I've said to you." "I think I need a moment to recognize and cherish this." humor seth Jennifer L. Armentrout
d9841a2 Every time you try to flirt with her, a puppy dies. humor love Maureen Johnson
8ea7fbe JAQUES: Rosalind is your love's name? ORLANDO: Yes, just. JAQUES: I do not like her name. ORLANDO: There was no thought of pleasing you when she was christened. shakespeare names humor jaques orlando rosalind William Shakespeare
9902756 Finally someone takes me seriously enough to ask for my word of honor, and it's a villain. humor villian Sherwood Smith
0425edb Note for Americans and other aliens: Milton Keynes is a new city approximately halfway between London and Birmingham. It was built to be modern, efficient, healthy, and, all in all, a pleasant place to live. Many Britons find this amusing. humour humor geography Neil Gaiman
caf37a0 "Even more blood welled up and spilled down his arm, splattering onto the ground. "Camille's carpet," Magnus protested. "It's blood," said Will. "She ought to be thrilled." humor camille-belcourt magnus-bane will-herondale Cassandra Clare
9c6a83c "If I say you're a goatherd's son, you say, 'Yes, Lord Ralon.'" Alanna gasped with fury. "I'd as soon kiss a pig! Is that what you've been doing-kissing pigs? Or being kissed?" -- insult humor pigs anger Tamora Pierce
8488d6d Play along, the wink said. I'll get you out of this. At least Artemis hoped this was what his wink communicated and not something like 'Any chance of another kiss later? humor Eoin Colfer
68c1bef Humanity's a nice place to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there. humor Terry Pratchett
a3d3f84 Actually, watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead. death-and-dying television humorous humor wisdom humorous-quotations wisdom-in-fiction internet Chuck Palahniuk
06f0d7b If you stopped tellin' people it's all sorted out after they're dead, they might try sorting it all out while they're alive. humor Neil Gaiman Terry Pratchett
0f4b63a "Screw up my life?" He stared at me for a second and then said, deadpan, "I'm a five-foot-three, thirty-seven-year-old, single, Jewish medical examiner who needs to pick up his lederhosen from the dry cleaners so that he can play in a one-man polka band at Oktoberfest tomorrow." He pushed up his glasses with his forefinger, folded his arms, and said, "Do your worst." humor Jim Butcher
d19b8a4 "I can't believe how much this place has grown," Hazel muttered. The taxi driver grinned in the rearview mirror. "Been a long time since you visited, miss?" "About seventy years," Hazel said. The driver slid the glass partition closed and drove on in silence." humor taxi-driver the-son-of-neptune percy-jackson-and-the-olympians the-heroes-of-olympus Rick Riordan
4b9d4c3 "After a universal silence, Leo was the first to speak. "Did anyone else notice--" "Yes," Catherine said. "What do you make of it?" "I haven't decided yet." Leo frowned and took a sip of port. "He's not someone I would pair Bea with." "Whom would you pair her with?" "Hanged if I know," Leo said. "Someone with similar interests. The local veterinarian, perhaps?" "He's eighty-three years old and deaf," Catherine said. "They would never argue," Leo pointed out." marriage humor Lisa Kleypas
7b36dae "I shot him a look. "That bouncer was really big." His lips quirked. "Oh, Kitten, see, I try not to say bad things." "What?" The grin spread. "I would say size doesn't matter but it does. I would know." he winked, and I let out a disgusted groan. He laughed." humorous humour humor Jennifer L. Armentrout
91a4b23 The way Calvin's brain is wired you can almost hear the fuses blowing. humor Bill Watterson
6de5d4c "If you want to know the Correct term for me, I'm a Dark-Hunter." Nick digested that word slowly. "Which means what? You hunt darkness?" "Yes, Nick. That's exactly what I do. There's just not enough of it." Now, there was some sarcasm you could cut with a knife." -- humour humor Sherrilyn Kenyon
459133e "I've just vowed my love for you. Have you nothing to say in return?" Duncan asked. "Thank you, husband." romance humor julie-garwood Julie Garwood
103af1a You understand Teacher, don't you, that when you have a mother who's an angel and a father who is a cannibal king, and when you have sailed on the ocean all your whole life, then you don't know just how to behave in school with all the apples and ibexes. humor etiquette Astrid Lindgren
3353b9c I've had so many bikini waxes, I cry every time I see a Popsicle stick. humour funny humor bikini-wax girly shaving girls girl Libba Bray
7a5a73c To me, life without veal stock, pork fat, sausage, organ meat, demi-glace, or even stinky cheese is a life not worth living. humor stinky-cheese meat Anthony Bourdain
f9fb030 "These are all direct quotes, except every time they use a curse word, I'm going to use the name of a famous American poet: 'You Walt Whitman-ing, Edna St. Vincent Millay! Go Emily Dickinson your mom!' 'Thanks for the advice, you pathetic piece of E.E. Cummings, but I think I'm gonna pass.' 'You Robert Frost-ing Nikki Giovanni! Get a life, nerd. You're a virgin.' poetry humor nerdfighters poet John Green
7425f8c You guys looking for my dad? People are always, like, looking for him, and he's never around. Daddy is so not here. And I mean that literally and spiritually. humor juliet Eoin Colfer
6777546 Your Wheezy, sir, your Wheezy -- Wheezy who is giving Dobby his sweater! humor ron J.K. Rowling
68ebe02 A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more photogenic things to look at. humor David Sedaris
6442ef4 I don't mind if you don't like my manners. They're pretty bad. I grieve over them during the long winter evenings. humor philip-marlowe manners raymond-chandler put-downs Raymond Chandler
902ced6 "Alright, good night," he said, his words a little slurred. "But before I pass out, I want you to know that you're the hottest biscuit this side of the gravy boat." relationships funny humor love hot sexy Erin McCarthy
9c74eca We can get you a throne with snakes. I'll stand next to you and roar at anybody who fails to grovel. Fear Kate Daniels. She is a mighty and terrible ruler. Grendel can anoint the petitioners with his vomit. It'll be great . . . irony fun humor grendel kate vomit throne Ilona Andrews
aceb5d9 "All right. Tell me what I'm looking at." From the improvised Rolling Stones T-shirt bag tied to my sash, Bob the Skull said, in his most caustic voice, "A giant pair of cartoon lips." I muttered a curse and fumbled with the shirt until one of the skull's glowing orange eye sockets was visible. A big goofy magic nerd!" Bob said." humor harry-dresden Jim Butcher
0b2dd87 The dead know everything but they don't give a damn. humor knowledge Joanne Harris
7275292 "You're gonna be like Aquaman?" she asked. "Get the fish to fight for you?" "Thanks," Percy said. "I haven't heard enough Aquaman jokes for one lifetime." -- humor meg-mccaffrey percy-jackson Rick Riordan
065a747 Did you meet your soul mate? That always happens on the first day of school, right?' 'Oh God, Charlie, she's letting you read again! You went straight to the paranormal section, didn't you? humor charlie-ridgemont high-school paranormal-romance Francesca Zappia
eca198b "So you actually need spectacles," Leo finally said. "Of course I do," Marks said crossly. "Why would I wear spectacles if I didn't need them?" "I thought they might be part of your disguise." "My disguise?" "Yes, Marks, disguise. A noun describing a means of concealing someone's identity. Often used by clowns and spies. And now apparently governesses. Good God, can anything be ordinary for my family?" romance humor Lisa Kleypas
441e8af "Dan was thrilled that the second clue had been safely smuggled out of the church in his pants. "So, really, I saved the day," he decided. "Wait a minute," Amy said, " climbed onto the roof in the middle of a thunderstorm." "Yeah, but the clue was in pants." humor cahill dan the39clues Rick Riordan
c95d375 Where is Polonius? HAMLET In heaven. Send hither to see. If your messenger find him not there, seek him i' th' other place yourself. But if indeed you find him not within this month, you shall nose him as you go up the stairs into the lobby. humor sinister William Shakespeare
981912c Aku telah mengidap sakit gila nomor enam belas: yakni penyakit manusia yang membuat dunia sendiri dalam kepalanya, menciptakan masalah-masalahnya sendiri, terpuruk di dalamnya, lalu menyelesaikan masalah-masalah itu, sambil tertawa-tawa, juga sendirian. irony humor inspirational Andrea Hirata
c05e8c8 "This is a wonderful day," Anthony was muttering to himself. "A wonderful day." He looked up sharply at Gareth. "You don't have sisters, do you?" "None," Gareth confirmed. "I am in possession of four," Anthony said, tossing back at least a third of the contents of his glass. "Four. And now they're all off my hands. I'm done," he said, looking as if he might break into a jig at any moment. "I'm free." "You've daughters, don't you?" Gareth could not resist reminding him. "Just one, and she's only three. I have years before I have to go through this again. If I'm lucky, she'll convert to Catholicism and become a nun. Gareth choked on his drink. "It's good, isn't it?" Anthony said, looking at the bottle. "Aged twenty-four years." "I don't believe I've ever ingested anything quite so ancient," Gareth murmured." marriage humor celebration Julia Quinn
45b38c2 The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you'll look back and thank them for those precious fifteen seconds they just added to your life. What they don't understand is that those are just fifteen more seconds you can spend hating their guts and plotting revenge. humor vindictive joke David Sedaris
193d054 Everyone wants a Christmas tree. If you had a Christmas tree Santa would bring you stuff! Like hair curlers and slut shoes. humor diesel Janet Evanovich
454bca6 It's only through sheer force and luck that she's yet to take over the world. world women humor her takeover Julia Quinn
e412f71 Barzul! funny humor orik eldest eragon Christopher Paolini
708e78a "Burn you, Nerim, that's a leg not a bloody side of beef!" "As my lord says," Nerim murmured. "My lord's leg is not a side of beef. Thank you, my lord, for instructing me." humor nerim rand mat robert jordan wheel-of-time Robert Jordan
ba52986 "Card five hundred and thirty-four," repeated Artemis. "Of a series of six hundred standard inkblot cards. I memorized them during our sessions. You don't even shuffle." Argon checked the number on the back of the card: 534. Of course. "Knowing the number doesn't answer the question. What do you see?" Artemis allowed his lip to wobble. "I see an ax dripping with blood. Also a scared child, and an elf clothed in the skin of a troll." "Really?" Argon was interested now. "No. Not really. I see a secure building, perhaps a family home, with four windows. A trustworthy pet, and a pathway leading from the door into the distance. I think, if you check your manual, you will find that these answers fall inside healthy parameters." Argon did not need to check. The Mud Boy was right, as usual." humor Eoin Colfer
d997615 Nothing shows you the straight line from here to death like a list. humor Chuck Palahniuk
879aa3c "I stared up at the Erlking, and with my typical pithy brilliance said, "Uh-oh." humor Jim Butcher
ad53387 "I clawed my eyes open and rolled off my bed. For some reason, someone had moved the floor several feet lower than I had expected, and I fell and crashed with a thud. Ow. A blond head popped over the side of the bed, and a familiar male voice asked, "Are you okay down there?" Curran. The Beast Lord was in my bed. No, wait a minute. I didn't have a bed, because my insane aunt had destroyed my apartment. I was mated to the Beast Lord, which meant I was in the Keep, in Curran's rooms, and in his bed. Our bed. Which was four feet high. Right. "Kate?" "I'm fine." "Would you like me to install one of those child playground slides for you?" humor kate Ilona Andrews
37bcd42 Jason hated being an old man. funny humor heroes-of-olympus jason-grace Rick Riordan
4f431ff "A massive beast dashed along the mountain apex. Astamur reached for his rifle. "A demon?" "No, not a demon." I might have preferred one . "That's my boyfriend." Atsany and the shepherd turned to look at me. "Boyfriend?" Astamur said. Curran saw us. He paused on a stone crag and roared. The raw declaration of strength cracked through the mountains, rolling down the cliffs like a rockslide. "Yep. Don't worry. He's harmless." humor kate-daniels Ilona Andrews
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