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5c655a3 Miranda was nineteen. Her experience with men consisted of Winston and himself. Both of whom had heretofore been brotherly figures. The poor girl must be confused as hell. Winston had suddenly decided that she was Venus, Queen Elizabeth, and the Virgin Mary all rolled into one,and Turner had all but forced himself on her. Not exactly an average day in the life of a young country miss humor lady Julia Quinn
8e537d4 "Well, bloody noses." I hug his coat tighter. "Those are definitely hot." funny hot humor romantic-comedy sarcasm Stephanie Perkins
4081167 "I hope I never smell the smell of apples again!" said Fili. "My tub was full of ut. To smell apples everlastingly when you can scarcely move and are cold and sick with hunger is maddening. I could eat anything in the wide world now for hours on end - but not an apple!" fantasy humor J.R.R. Tolkien
27cacb2 Well, child? Aren't you going to try to turn me into some kind of unspeakable creature? I don't think I shall bother, madam, seeing as you are making such a good job of it yourself! humor sarcasm Terry Pratchett
b74760f "Unoka went into an inner room and soon returned with a small wooden disc containing a kola nut, some alligator pepper and a lump of white chalk. "I have kola," he announced when he sat down, and passed the disc over to his guest. "Thank you. He who brings kola brings life. But I think you ought to break it," replied Okoye passing back the disc. "No, it is for you, I think," and they argued like this for a few moments before Unoka accepted the honor of breaking the kola. Okoye, meanwhile, took the lump of chalk, drew some lines on the floor, and then painted his big toe." books humor random things-fall-apart Chinua Achebe
a2430ec "Bob had a dog buscuit stuck to his head. "How does he always get food stuck to him?" I asked Morelli. "I don't know," Morelli said. "It's a Bob mystery. I think stuff falls out of his mouth and he rolls in it. I'm not sure." -Morelli And Stephanie" humor morelli stephanie-plum Janet Evanovich
911cf85 I understand the gist of your speculation,' said Rhialto. 'It is most likely nuncupatory. humor vocabulary Jack Vance
bb8136e Even for the most excitable preacher, there was nothing sinful about a waffle. humor waffle Simon Schama
9d98330 In his heart, she'd been smiling for him. But now she was smiling at Colin Bridgerton, he of the famous charm and sparkling green eyes. humor Julia Quinn
39329fc In the Netherlands now, I imagine it's legal to marry your own children. Get them pregnant, and you can abort your unborn grandbabies in a free clinic that used to be a church. europe humor David Sedaris
583235c In New York I'd go to the movies three or four times a week. Here I've upped it to six or seven, mainly because I'm too lazy to do anything else. Fortunately, going to the movies seems to suddenly qualify as an intellectual accomplishment, on a par with reading a book or devoting time to serious thought. It's not that the movies have gotten any more strenuous, it's just that a lot of people are as lazy as I am, and together we've agreed to lower the bar. humor movies David Sedaris
3e27503 No more humiliation for me, thanks very much. No more swallowing my anger. Honestly, I couldn't manage another mouthful. But it was delicious. Did you make it yourself? humor Marian Keyes
36ad285 I do beg you to have some regard for my pride. A million years? I assure you I would stop asking after the first thousand. humor Mary Balogh
472aaef (About a cookbook...) - What about this one? Maids of Honor? - Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor...but they ends up Tarts. funny-and-random humor humorous retort satire wit witty Terry Pratchett
4dfecaa This social worker lassie turns round n gies us a stroppy look. Ah jist smiles bit she looked away aw fuckin nippy likes. Disnae cost nowt tae be social. A social worker thit cannae be fuckin social; that's nae good tae nae cunt, thon. Like a lifeguard thit cannae fuckin swim. Shouldnae be daein that kinday joab. humanity humor jobs Irvine Welsh
1bf39d3 "I paused in the act of opening the door and looked at him with what were probably cartoon-wide eyes. "Wait a second," I said. "So, you're best friends with a hot vampire chick who likes leather." "Yeah." "And together, you fight crime?" I couldn't help it. I cracked up." humor shane-collins Rachel Caine
4d891d3 May you and your triple cursed wash water turn purple with orange spots and fall down a bottomless pit! humor Patricia C. Wrede
23c30e7 For the snark was a boojum, you see. humor snark ultimate-answer Lewis Carroll
62a0f35 "Tension fled from me. Tomorrow I would worry about Hugh d'Ambray and Andrea and humor kate Ilona Andrews
92fca85 "We got half the doggone MIT college of engineering here, and nobody who can fix a doggone /television/?" Dr. Joseph Abernathy glared accusingly at the clusters of young people scattered around his living room. That's /electrical/ engineering, Pop," his son told him loftily. "We're all mechanical engineers. Ask a mechanical engineer to fix your color TV, that's like asking an Ob-Gyn to look at the sore on your di-ow!" Oh, sorry," said his father, peering blandly over gold-rimmed glasses. "That your foot, Lenny?" humor Diana Gabaldon
d67b8af When I was still quite young I had a complete presentiment of life. It was like the nauseating smell of cooking escaping from a ventilator: you don't have to have eaten it to know that it would make you throw up. humor life youth Julian Barnes
b573199 In fact, Lig never formally resigned his editorship--he merely left his office late one morning, and has never returned since. Though well over a century has now passed, many members of the Guide staff still retain the romantic notion that he has simply popped out for a sandwich and will yet return to put in a solid afternoon's work. Strictly speaking, all editors since Lig Lury Jr., have therefore been designated acting editors, and Lig's desk is still preserved the way he left it, with the addition of a small sign that says LIG LURY, JR., EDITOR, MISSING, PRESUMED FED. hitchhiker-s-guide humor originality wit Douglas Adams
9ba45d3 "So they wanted to take Tansy to a different doctor and her husband refused", Ryland said. "I wonder why he would do that." He frowned and leanede close to Kadan, sniffing. "Cinnamon?" "Shut the hell up", Kadan said and pushed past him. Ryland took another whiff and gave a low whistle."You smeel yummy. I'm getting hungry. Maybe cinnamon buns". Kadan flipped him off rudely. Nico stood waiting by the front door. As always he was their backup. He frowned when the two Ghostwalkers got close. "What the hell is that smell?" "Kadan's new spicy cologne". "Go to hell Rye", Kadan said ans shot him a look thaty should have withered him on the spot. "Both of you can go to hell". "I think his blood sugar's dropping", Ryland explained. "Must have been all the cinnamon candy he got tonight"." humor Christine Feehan
928beb0 To Trin Tragula's horror, the shock completely annihilated her brain; but to his satisfaction he realized that he had proved conclusively that if life is going to exist in a Universe of this size, then the one thing it cannot afford to have is a sense of proportion. humor philosophy Douglas Adams
0c7ccc3 "Mr Cjelli, nice to see you back, sir. Sorry you had a spot of bother, hope that's all behind you now." "Indeed, Bill, it is. You find me thriving. And Mrs Roberts? How is she? Foot still troubling her?" "Not since she had it off, thanks for asking, sir. Between you and me, sir, I would've been just as happy to have had her amputated and kept the foot. I had a little spot reserved on the mantelpiece, but there we are, we have to take things as we find them." (...) "...thank you, and my best to what remains of Mrs Roberts." humor Douglas Adams
54c7291 "That was the best Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson we've ever had, wasn't it?" said Ron... "He seems like a very good teacher," said Hermoine approvingly. "But I wish I could have had a turn with the boggart -" "What would it have been for you?" said Ron sniggering, "A piece of homework that only got nine out of ten?" funny hermoine humor ron J.K. Rowling
d750e78 Say what you want, I still think Dracula One and Dracula Two are creep-tacular. humor Stephenie Meyer
4a1fc12 "We're lucky Esme thought to add an extra room. No one was planning for Ness-Renesmee." I frowned at him, my thoughts channeled down a less pleasant path. "Not you too," I complained. "Sorry, love. I hear it in their thoughts all the time, you know. It's rubbing off on me. I sighed. My baby, the sea serpent. Maybe there was no help for it. Well, I wasn't giving in." edward humor Stephenie Meyer
a3ef563 That's good. And speaking of spelling, tell me -- do you wrap your head in a towel after you shower? humor romantic Nicholas Sparks
51ac194 Catholics get on well with tyranny. It's in the culture. humor religion tyranny Richard K. Morgan
575e30f "Who's Jessie?" "My Yugo" "You have a name for your Yugo? Please don't tell me you're one of those guys who also names his dick." "Unfortunately, I've yet to find the perfect name for mine, so it's in this netherworld of nameless identity right now." humor love Rachel Cohn
3e17fde Humans in space suits make monkeys nervous. humor Richard Preston
d8a8c31 Despite all that education and experience can do, I retain a certain level of unsophistication that I cannot eradicate and that my friends find amusing. In fact, I think I sometimes detect conspiratorial plottings among my friends to protect me against my own lack of sophistication. I don't mind. I suspect that I am never quite as unsophisticated as they think I am, but I don't mind. humor sophistication Isaac Asimov
3779e51 Loud ringing noises, I've discovered, upset Mr.Peepers. humor noise Meg Cabot
04577d8 "I shook my head. "I'm good, Nicky helped." Nicky looked at Edward. "She's having one of those what-if-killing-feels-really-good, doesn't-that-make-me-a-bad-person moments." Edward nodded as if that made perfect sense. "Then it feels good. We can't really control what flips our switch; don't judge it, Anita, and just accept it." I wanted to argue, but it would have been beyond stupid to argue with the two sociopaths in my life. "Why do I have moral quandary questions with the two of you?" "Because you don't really have moral quandaries about violence, Anita, but you're afraid of being judged for enjoying it, so you only bring it to the two people in your life who won't judge you." I wanted to argue with Edward, but I couldn't. "Well, fuck." enjoy-the-violence humor killing-feels-good sociopaths violence Laurell K. Hamilton
8852a60 "New Rule: Now that liberals have taken back the word "liberal," they also have to take back the word "elite." By now you've heard the constant right-wing attacks on the "elite media," and the "liberal elite." Who may or may not be part of the "Washington elite." A subset of the "East Coast elite." Which is overly influenced by the "Hollywood elite." So basically, unless you're a shit-kicker from Kansas, you're with the terrorists. If you played a drinking game where you did a shot every time Rush Limbaugh attacked someone for being "elite," you'd be almost as wasted as Rush Limbaugh. I don't get it: In other fields--outside of government--elite is a good thing, like an elite fighting force. Tiger Woods is an elite golfer. If I need brain surgery, I'd like an elite doctor. But in politics, elite is bad--the elite aren't down-to-earth and accessible like you and me and President Shit-for-Brains. Which is fine, except that whenever there's a Bush administration scandal, it always traces back to some incompetent political hack appointment, and you think to yourself, "Where are they getting these screwups from?" Well, now we know: from Pat Robertson. I'm not kidding. Take Monica Goodling, who before she resigned last week because she's smack in the middle of the U.S. attorneys scandal, was the third-ranking official in the Justice Department of the United States. She's thirty-three, and though she never even worked as a prosecutor, was tasked with overseeing the job performance of all ninety-three U.S. attorneys. How do you get to the top that fast? Harvard? Princeton? No, Goodling did her undergraduate work at Messiah College--you know, home of the "Fighting Christies"--and then went on to attend Pat Robertson's law school. Yes, Pat Robertson, the man who said the presence of gay people at Disney World would cause "earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor," has a law school. And what kid wouldn't want to attend? It's three years, and you have to read only one book. , which does the definitive ranking of colleges, lists Regent as a tier-four school, which is the lowest score it gives. It's not a hard school to get into. You have to renounce Satan and draw a pirate on a matchbook. This is for the people who couldn't get into the University of Phoenix. Now, would you care to guess how many graduates of this televangelist diploma mill work in the Bush administration? On hundred fifty. And you wonder why things are so messed up? We're talking about a top Justice Department official who went to a college founded by a TV host. Would you send your daughter to Maury Povich U? And if you did, would you expect her to get a job at the White House? In two hundred years, we've gone from "we the people" to "up with people." From the best and brightest to dumb and dumber. And where better to find people dumb enough to believe in George Bush than Pat Robertson's law school? The problem here in America isn't that the country is being run by elites. It's that it's being run by a bunch of hayseeds. And by the way, the lawyer Monica Goodling hired to keep her ass out of jail went to a real law school." diploma-mills education essay essays george-w-bush humor law-school liberal monica-goodling pat-robertson politics Bill Maher
5baa916 If you ever need to confirm that a girl is worth coming back from Hell for, show her your monster arm and see what she says. humor humour romance sandman-slim Richard Kadrey
9a47646 Canadian cities looked the way American cities did on television. cities humor urban-planning William Gibson
6cdd690 ...,dying seems like the greatest weakness, and in a world where people say you're lazy for not shaving your legs, then being dead seems like the ultimate character flaw. Chapter I. dead flaw hell humor palahniuk Chuck Palahniuk
445a838 "Nothing could go wrong because nothing had...I meant "nothing would." No - Then I quit trying to phrase it, realizing that if time travel ever became widespread, English grammar was going to have to add a whole new set of tenses to describe reflexive situations - conjugations that would make the French literary tenses and the Latin historical tenses look simple." humor science-fiction time-travel Robert A. Heinlein
3f41039 He sighed and opened the black box and took out his rings and slipped them on. Another box held a set of knives and Klatchian steel, their blades darkened with lamp black. Various cunning and intricate devices were taken from velvet bags and dropped into pockets. A couple of long-bladed throwing tlingas were slipped into their sheaths inside his boots. A thin silk line and folding grapnel were wound around his waist, over the chain-mail shirt. A blowpipe was attached to its leather thong and dropped down the back of his cloak; Teppic picked a slim tin container with an assortment of darts, their tips corked and their stems braille-coded for ease of selection in the dark. He winced, checked the blade of his rapier and slung the baldric over his right shoulder, to balance the bag of lead slingshot ammunition. As an afterthought he opened his sock drawer and took a pistol crossbow, a flask of oil, a roll of lockpicks and, after some consideration, a punch dagger, a bag of assorted caltrops and a set of brass knuckles. Teppic picked up his hat and checked it's lining for the coil of cheesewire. He placed it on his head at a jaunty angle, took a last satisfied look at himself in the mirror, turned on his heel and, very slowly, fell over. discworld dungeons-and-dragons fantasy humor Terry Pratchett
09ca4da "You've got some power," Jakkin said. "One hug--and the lights go out!" humor lights power Jane Yolen
b647cef That's right, kid. Never play an ace if a two will do. humor Jeff Smith
7772bf3 "Why is she afraid?" he asked. "She's not Anjin-san. Just a little nervous. Please excuse her. She's never seen a foreigner close to before." "Tell her when the moon's full, barbarians sprout horns and fire comes out of our mouths like dragons." humor James Clavell
2cc7163 "My dear fellow " Said Albert, turning to Franz " here is an admirable adventure; we will fill our carriage with pistols, blunderbusses, and double-barreled shotguns. Luigi Vampa comes to take us, and we take him - we bring him back to Rome , and present him to him holiness the Pope, who asks how he can repay so great a service; Then we merely ask for a cariage and a pair of horses, and we will see the Carnival in the carriage , and doubtless the Roman people will crown us at the capitol , and proclaim us, like Curtius and the veiled Horatius, the preservers of there country." Whilst Albert proposed this scheme, signor Pastrini's face assumed an expression impossible to describe." funny humor idea Alexandre Dumas
f94540c Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening. comedy comedy-humor humor Steve Martin
4220f5b "If you'd rather I didn't stay--" I began. "I invited you." "After sustaining a head injury. Which means you aren't responsible for anything you said last night . . . except for the part where you forgave me for wrecking your car." "You were run off the road." "I still feel bad. It was a nice car." I paused. "I'm also sorry about almost getting you killed." "She says, as an afterthought." "It was a really nice car." car deceptions gabriel head-injury humor olivia Kelley Armstrong
50293e5 King Shrewd is expecting me, rather he isn't expecting me, and that is precisely why I must go to him now. humor meeting Robin Hobb
60ef454 "Until-as often happened during those first months travel, whenever I would feel such happiness-my guilt alarm went off. I heard my ex-husband's voice speaking disdainfully in my ear: So this is what you gave up everything for? This is why you gutted our entire life together? For a few stalks of asparagus and an Italian newspaper? I replied aloud to him: "First of all," I said, "I'm very sorry, but this isn't your business anymore. And secondly, to answer you question...yes." food humor pleasure travel Elizabeth Gilbert
307b543 you wouldn't happen to have a pipe and a bit of tobacco about, would- i heard that! gandalf enjoyed a good pipe! why do you think he's called gandalf the gray? it wasn't for the color of his robes humor smoking zifnab Margaret Weis
4f887e4 You're a cop. I need a doughnut. humor stereotype Jim Butcher
f4409e3 "Because we live in a world under siege," I say. "Life sucks for mages and magicians- taught me that. Bad things happen to those of us who get involved, but if we didn't fight, we'd be in an even worse state. None of it it's your fault, any more than it's the fault of the moon or the stars." Dervish nods slowly, then arches an eyebrow " " "I always get poetic when I'm dealing with self-pitying simpletons." humor humour Darren Shan
f4eb5ce "Sing a song of suspense in which the players die. Four and twenty ravens in an Edgar Allan Pie. When the pie was broken, the ravens couldn't sing. Their throats had been sliced open by Stephen, the new King. The King was in his writing house, stifling a laugh While his queen was in a tizzy of her bloody Lovecraft. humor poe poem Jessica McHugh
11ca73e "Now I know what a piece of bacon feels like when it is suddenly picked out of the pan on a fork and put back on the shelf!" "No you don't!" he heard Dori answering, "because the bacon knows that it will get back in the pan sooner or later; and it is to be hoped we shan't. Also eagles aren't forks!" humor relief J.R.R. Tolkien
76c308e I learned early and at that kitchen table that there are ways of avoiding, without guilt, the commitments of love. humor humour love theo P.D. James
56b892a "Oh, what a lovely owl!" Cried the Wart. But when he went up to it and held out his hand, the owl grew half as tall again, stood up as stiff as a poker, closed its eyes so that there was only the smallest slit to peep through - as you are in the habit of doing when told to shut your eyes at hide-and-seek - and said in a doubtful voice "There is no owl." Then it shut its eyes entirely and looked the other way. "It is only a boy," said Merlyn. "There is no boy," said the owl hopefully, without turning round." humor king-arthur merlyn owls sassy T.H. White
60e9f59 "I heard a story," Aedion drawled to Rowan, "that you killed an enemy warlord using a table." "Please,"Aelin said. "Who the hell told you that?" "Quinn-your uncle's Captain of the Guard. He was an admirer of Prince Rowan's. He knew all the stories." Aelin slid her eyes to Rowan, who smirked, bracing his sparring stick on the floor. "You can't be serious," she said. "What-you squashed him to death like a pressed grape?" humor throne-of-glass Sarah J. Maas
1f48e22 "Good find," Ethan said. "Yeah," Jeff agreed. "It's pretty awesome. Like finding the Higgs boson." Silence. "Aw, no physics fans here? Learn things you must," Jeff said in his best Yoda voice. I rolled my eyes." chicagoland-vampires chloe-neill ethan-sullivan humor jeff-christopher star-wars yoda Chloe Neill
9e668a2 "I'm going to stay here and see if he comes back," Wrath said as the double doors opened and V strode in. "I want the rest of you out searching for him in the city, but before you go, first let's get an update from our very own Katie Couric." He nodded at Vishous. "Katie?" V's glare was the ocular version of a fully extended middle finger" humor wrath J.R. Ward
da5b088 "It was 1976. It was one of the darkest days of my life when that nurse, Mrs. Shimmer, pulled out a maxi pad that measured the width and depth of a mattress and showed us how to use it. It had a belt with it that looked like a slingshot that possessed the jaw-dropping potential to pop a man's head like a gourd. As she stretched the belt between the fingers of her two hands, Mrs. Shimmer told us becoming a woman was a magical and beautiful experience. I remember thinking to myself, You're damn right it had better be magic, because that's what it's going to take to get me to wear something like that, Tinkerbell! It looked like a saddle. Weighed as much as one, too. Some girls even cried. I didn't. I raised my hand. "Mrs. Shimmer," I asked the cautiously, "so what kind of security napkins do boys wear when their flower pollinates? Does it have a belt, too?" The room got quiet except for a bubbling round of giggles. "You haven't been paying attention, have you?" Mrs. Shimmer accused sharply. "Boys have stamens, and stamens do not require sanitary napkins. They require self control, but you'll learn that soon enough." I was certainly hoping my naughty bits (what Mrs. Shimmer explained to us was like the pistil of a flower) didn't get out of control, because I had no idea what to do if they did." health humor junior-high menstruation nurse school Laurie Notaro
766e7b6 "Miss Dearheart gave him a very brief look, and shook her head. There was movement under the table, a small fleshy kind of noise and the drunk suddenly bent forward, colour draining from his face. Probably only he and Moist heard Miss Dearheart purr: 'What is sticking in your foot is a Mitzy "Pretty Lucretia" four-inch heel, the most dangerous footwear in the world. Considered as pounds per square inch, it's like being trodden on by a very pointy elephant. Now, I know what you're thinking: you're thinking, "Could she press it all the way through to the floor?" And, you know, I'm not sure about that myself. The sole of your boot might give me a bit of trouble, but nothing else will. But that's not the worrying part. The worrying part is that I was forced practically at knifepoint to take ballet lessons as a child, which means I can kick like a mule; you are sitting in front of me; and I have another shoe . Good, I can see you have worked that out. I'm going to withdraw the heel now.' There was a small 'pop' from under the table. With great care the man stood up, turned and, without a backward glance, lurched unsteadily away. 'Can I bother you?' said Moist. Miss Dearheart nodded, and he sat down, with his legs crossed. 'He was only a drunk,' he ventured. 'Yes, men say that sort of thing,' said Miss Dearheart." drunkenness feminism high-heels humor Terry Pratchett
fbd9a44 She wore so much thick white makeup in order to conceal her naturally rosy complexion that if she turned around suddenly her face would probably end up on the back of her head. humor humorous Terry Pratchett
2129844 It is well known that stone can think, because the whole of electronics is based on that fact, but in some universes men spend ages looking for other intelligences in the sky without once looking under their feet. That is because they've got the time-span all wrong. From stone's point of view the universe is hardly created and mountain ranges are bouncing up and down like organ-stops while continents zip backward and forward in general high spirits, crashing into each other from the sheer joy of momentum and getting their rocks off. It is going to be quite some time before stone notices its disfiguring skin disease and starts to scratch, which is just as well. humor perspective time Terry Pratchett
afdbeb1 Of all the forces in the universe, the hardest to overcome is the force of habit. humor Terry Pratchett
0dcaecf I don't believe this. How can he not want to go to the Savoy? God, it's all right for top businessmen, isn't it? Free champagne, yawn, yawn. Goody bags, yet another party, yawn, how tedious and dull. humor Sophie Kinsella
fcc10af LIPID (Last Idiot Person I Dated) syndrome: a largely undiagnosed but pervasive disease that afflicts single women. humor mystery romance-novels Lauren Willig
8d3739d Investigate the faeries. Great. That was absolutely guaranteed to get complicated before I got any useful answers. If there was one thing faeries hated doing, it was giving you a straight answer, about anything. Getting plain speech out out of one is like pulling out teeth. Your own teeth. Through your nose. faeries humor scifi Jim Butcher
3616e4e If you invited a hedge wizard to a party, he would spend half the evening talking to your potted plant. And he would spend the other half listening. humor puns Terry Pratchett
6e9e185 "He swiveled his head towards Eddie. "Tell me how to get over to the Four Lads. Do I have to die again?" If he did, he had a Beretta on him and he knew what kicking the bucket from a gunshot was like. Snore. "Don't bother." Adrian cracked his knuckles. "They're not going to tell you anything. They can't." What the fuck? "I thought I worked for them." "You work for both sides, and they've given you all the help they can." Jim looked back and forth between the two angels. Each of them had the tight expression of a guy with a shoestring noosing up his balls. "Help?" he said. "Where's my goddamned help?" "They gave you us, asshole," Adrian snapped. "And that's all they can do--I've already gone over and asked them who's supposed to be next. I figured it would help you, you ungrateful bastard." humor jim-adrian J.R. Ward
89417ee "Technically,' I said, "I'm not breaking any of the Laws of Magic. I'm not robbing you of your will, so I'm clear of the Fourth Law. And you didn't get loose, so I'm clear of the Seventh Law. The Council can bite me.' The bone ridges above Chauncy's eyes twitched. 'Surely, that is merely a colorful euphemism, rather than a statement of desire.' 'It is." humor magic Jim Butcher
bad3cb4 So you have your price. Your soul for a cookie. funny humor James Patterson
d74be49 "[Jules] slides into a seat beside me with her hot lunch tray, sighing. "Four hours, thirty-six minutes, and twelve seconds till we're out of purgatory for the weekend." "Maybe later," I murmur, still distracted by the day's previous events. "So, let me show you how a conversation works. I say something, and then you say something back that actually relates to what I was talking about, as if you were even the least bit interested." "Huh?" I say." -- conversation delilah-mcphee humor jules paying-attention Jodi Picoult
3afe3e4 "Dear God," said Nudge under her breath, "I want real parents. But I want them to want me too. I want them to love me. I already love them. Please see what you can do. Thanks very much. Love, Nudge." Okay, so I'm not saying we were pros at this or anything. (Max thoughts)" desire funny god humor learning love parents praying James Patterson
3c71379 "In every possible instance Saint Paul begged Christians to restrain themselves to contain their carnal yearnings to live solitary and sexless lives on earth as it is in heaven. "But if they cannot contain " Paul finally conceded then "let them marry for it is better to marry than to burn." Which is perhaps the most begrudging endorsement of matrimony in human history." corinthians humor marriage st-paul Elizabeth Gilbert
6105d0b "What if a pair of us head off on our own?" Nollin proposed, panting. "A small detachment might avoid detection." "It's a gamble," Ferrin said. "If the duo gets noticed, they'll be defenseless. Who'd you have in mind?" "Some key delegates," Nollin said. "Perhaps myself and Aram." Rachel shook her head. Evidently, Nollin had noticed the critical role Aram had played during the escape. Ferrin laughed openly. "Aram, you've been promoted to essential!" "I'm generally more appreciated at night," the big man grumbled. "I'm going to the table, Nollin." "Maybe we should all remain together," Nollin repented." brandon humor mull rebellion seeds Brandon Mull
12ebdbf He'd gone to church for forty years and was only getting worse. It seemed like this should tell God something. god humor Sue Monk Kidd
edcf8d7 "Just get up. What's your name, kid?" "G-man" "I don't mean your codename down at the Dickhead Club. What does it say on your driver's license?" humor Tad Williams
06d61eb Furnishing was not a priority in the Citadel. Shelves, stools, tables... There was a rumor among the novices that priests towards the top of the hierarchy had golden furniture, but there was no sign of it here. The room was as severe as anything in the novices' quarters although it had, perhaps, a more opulent severity; it wasn't the forced bareness of poverty, but the starkness of intent. furniture humor opulent poverty stark Terry Pratchett
538055e Genua had once controlled the river mouth and taxed its traffic in a way that couldn't be called piracy because it was done by the city government, and therefore sound economics and perfectly all right humor politics Terry Pratchett
5e6966d "Sugar maple!" Mary-Todd Holt knelt over her husband. "Are you all right?" Eisenhower sat up, and egg-size lump blooming on his crown. "Of course I'm all right!" he managed, his words slurred. "You think a little insect can stop ?" Reagan was unconvinced. "I don't know, Dad. She brained you with a baseball bat!" "Hockey stick," Dan corrected. "Those could be your last words, brat-" dan eisenhower holt humor mary-todd reagan the39clues threats Gordon Korman
9571b94 The night may be dark and full of terrors, I thought, but I've got a big stick. got humor reference Ben Aaronovitch
4164424 "Scream at the mangled leather carcass lying at the foot of the stairs, and my parents would roar with laughter. "That's what you get for leaving your wallet on the kitchen table." humor David Sedaris
5046657 So, if people didn't settle down to take up farming, why then did they embark on this entirely new way of living? We have no idea - or actually, we have lots of ideas, but we don't know if any of them are right. According to Felipe Fernandez-Armesto, at least thirty-eight theories have been put forward to explain why people took to living in communities: that they were driven to it by climatic change, or by a wish to stay near their dead, or by a powerful desire to brew and drink beer, which could only be indulged by staying in one place. humor life sedentary Bill Bryson
185b1a2 I have a hundred-year-old aunt who aspires to sainthood, and whose only wish has been to go into the convent, but no congregation, not even the Little Sisters of Charity, could tolerate her for more than a few weeks, so the family has had to look after her. Believe me, there is nothing so insufferable as a saint, I wouldn't sic one on my worst enemy. humor religion Isabel Allende
f346a68 "Ah, I know that," said Tiffany, as the boat rocked on the swell. "Whales aren't dangerous, because they just eat very small things..." "Row like the blazes, lads!" Rob Anybody yelled." humor tiny whales Terry Pratchett
2174b5d "But--" she tried not to wail, but her voice crept upward, anyway "--I want to go HOME--" "And I want a palace and a handsome, young prince who has an unnatural lust for old women, and neither of us are going to get what we crave, so let's concentrate on what we can do something about!" Granny said sharply." bella granny humor mercedes-lackey Mercedes Lackey
2bd99f6 Aye, Rob, but we canna help noticin' ye also have tae do the Explainin', too,' said Daft Wullie. There was a general nodding from the crowd. To Feegles, Explaining was a dark art. It was just so HARD. 'Like, when we come back from drinkin', stealin', and fightin', Jeannie gives ye the Pursin' o' the Lips,' Daft Wullie went on. A moan went up from all the Feegles: 'Ooooh, save us from the Pursin' o' the Lips!' 'An' there's the Foldin' o' the Arms,' said Wullie, because he was even scaring himself. 'Oooooh, waily, waily, waily, the Foldin' o' the Arms!' the Feegles cried, tearing at their hair. 'Not tae mention the Tappin' o' the Feets...' Wullie stopped, not wanting to mention the Tappin' o' the Feets. 'Aargh! Oooooh! No' the Tappin' o' the Feets!' Some of the Feegles started to bang their heads on trees. humor Terry Pratchett
f55d6ac My dear dead mother wanted me to go into an honorable trade, like grave robbing. Would I listen? No. Be an assassin, like your uncle Gustav, she said. Would I pay heed? No. Apprentice to the Necromancer-- humor Raymond E. Feist
7a25825 "Who are they?" I whispered, as we took seats opposite each other. Scout glanced up as she pulled notebooks and books from her bag. "The dragon ladies. They monitor lights-out, watch us while we study, and generally make sure that nothing fun occurs on their watch." "Awesome," I said, flipping open my trig book. "I'm a fun hater myself." humor Chloe Neill
d276a60 My nephew is a manipulative, scheming, unscrupulous son of a bitch. And those are his good qualities. good-and-bad-qualities great-aunt humor nephew rose Kelley Armstrong
5d207d1 I rolled my eyes, finishing off the burger. Rummaging around in the bag, I pulled out an extra-large order of fries. With all the exercise I was getting, my escape would involve me rolling out of here. humor Jennifer L. Armentrout
f3c728e "Mission motto, sir," said Carrot cheerfully. "Morituri Nolumus Mori. Rincewind suggested it." "I imagine he did," said Lord Vetinari, observing the wizard coldly. "And would you care to give us a colloquial translation, Mr Rincewind?" "Er..." Rincewind hesitated, but there really was no escape. "Er... roughly speaking, it means, 'We who are about to die don't want to', sir." cowardice humor parody Terry Pratchett
a2ba098 But I have never had the privilege of unhappiness in Happy Valley. California is about the good life. So a bad life there seems so much worse than a bad life anywhere else. Quality is an obsession there--good food, good wine, good movies, music, weather, cars. Those sound like the right things to shoot for, but the never-ending quality quest is a lot of pressure when you're uncertain and disorganized and, not least, broker than broke. Some afternoons a person just wants to rent Die Hard, close the curtains, and have Cheerios for lunch. humor quality Sarah Vowell
d036cbb When she gets rattled, the South really comes out. Once when Daddy tried to cancel our country club membership because he said the dues were too high, she went from zero to Atlanta burning in zero point five seconds. humor south Jen Lancaster
cf3d787 The House of the Venerable and Inscrutable Colonel was what they called it when they were speaking Chinese. Venerable because of his goatee, white as the dogwood blossom, a badge of unimpeachable credibility in Confucian eyes. Inscrutable because he had gone to his grave without divulging the Secret of the Eleven Herbs and Spices. humor political-observation Neal Stephenson
4b73b4e New Rule: Food companies must face the facts: One container equals one serving. Look, we're Americans, and that means once we open the bag, there's no stopping us until we're licking stray bits of powdered cheese off the carpet. So stop trying to give us nutritional information based on a fraction of the package. It assumes a talent for two things that we're really not capable of: restraint and math. humor junk-food Bill Maher
59b4524 "Her eyes sparkled. "You should try calling, 'Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.'" "I will kill you and nobody will find your body." humor kate-daniels Ilona Andrews
2ac3aa3 Aren't you going to dry the floor?' asked Annika. 'Oh, no, it can dry in the sun,' answered Pippi. 'I don't think it will catch cold so long as it keeps moving. humor Astrid Lindgren
8dc0fa4 Billy here has been talkin' about slicin' his wrists again, so is there seven of you guys who'd like to join him and make it therapeutic? humor nest Ken Kesey
13a1224 ...the primary paradox that man is superior to all the things around him and yet is at their mercy. humor humour jokes G.K. Chesterton
fd68134 He was not looking forward to breaking the law. He was straight now. He'd matured. Crime no longer excited him. What?' Ronald said. I didn't say anything.' You're breathing heavy. faking_it humor Jennifer Crusie
e1e2fa6 | top up position down The fact that I suspect I'm an asshole means I probably am not, because a real asshole doesn't think he's an asshole, does he? Therefore, by realizing that I'm an asshole, I am in fact negating that very realization, am I not? Descartes's Asshole Axiom: I think I am; therefor I'm not one. humor jonathan-tropper Jonathan Tropper
5aad550 My sister, Judy, has always said that she would like to lie in state, propped up in her coffin with her eyes blared wide open, face fixed in a big grin, and have a taped greeting for all her mourners. Something real upbeat and, well, live-sounding, like: 'He-e-e-ey!Cuteshoestellyomamahi! humor Jill Conner Browne
de38de3 We could have made it to the Arizona border in a few more hours if we hadn't been distracting each other with stupid little arguments. Don't get me wrong; I liked J.Lo fine. I've made that bed. But I'm not sure there's a person in the world I could be with twenty-four hours a day for three weeks without getting a little snippy. If I ever meet such a person, I'm marrying them. humor ideal-partner marriage Adam Rex
de1fdac "He smiled and kissed me. It wasn't precisely a peck on the lips, and my wild vampiric reactions took me off guard yet again. Edward's lips were like a shot of some addictive chemical straight into my nervous system. I was instantly craving more. It took all my concentration to remember the baby in my arms. Jasper felt my mood change. "Er, Edward, you might not want to distract her like that right now. She needs to be able to focus." Edward pulled away. "Oops," he said. I laughed. That had been my line from the very beginning, from the very first kiss. "Later," I said, and anticipation curled my stomach into a ball. "Focus, Bella," Jasper urged. "Right." I pushed the trembly feelings away. Charlie, that was the main thing right now. Keep Charlie safe today. We would have all night... "Bella." "Sorry, Jasper." edward humor jasper love Stephenie Meyer
8f6b291 "Fenchurch had red mullet and said it was delicious. Arthur had a swordfish steak and said it made him angry. He grabbed a passing waitress by the arm and berated her. "Why's this fish so bloody good?" he demanded, angrily." fish funny humor Douglas Adams
6b7a437 Calvin: Dear Santa, before I submit life to your scrutiny, I demand to know who made YOU the matter of my fate?! Who are YOU to question my behavior, HUH??? What gives you the right?! Hobbes: Santa makes the toys, so he gets to decide who to give them to. Calvin: Oh. humor santa Bill Watterson
8cc3290 Odd as this might sound, I suppose I'm glad you're here, Jacob.' 'You mean, 'as much as I'd love to kill you, I'm glad she's warm,' right? humor jacob-black tent-scene truce Stephenie Meyer
b8263e0 I'm Reginald Clark, I'm afraid of the dark So please do not close this book on me. humor poetry Shel Silverstein
41ac999 "You may stay. But Jessica, please watch what you say and do. Don't look them in the eyes for long. Speak only when spoken to. Yes, sir; yes, ma'am." "Sit up. Arf," I teased. "What about her?" Jessica cried, pointing in my general direction. "She's more in need of an etiquette lesson than I am." "Yeah," I said, "but I'm the Queen. With a capital fucking Q. Hey, you're looking me in the eyes for too long! Eric, make her stop!" humor vampires MaryJanice Davidson
fba7e52 The difficulty with humorists is that they will mix what they believe with what they don't--whichever seems likelier to win an effect. belief comedian humor humorist insincerity truth John Updike
b4e0a33 I've died before. It was boring, so I stood up. comics funny graphic-novels humor moon-knight warren-ellis Warren Ellis
0343578 All dwarfs have beards and wear up to twelve layers of clothing. Gender is more or less optional. dwarves gender humor Terry Pratchett
502508a "You have to unhook your seat belt." "That's not true." "I'm afraid it's difficult to walk on the beach if you're strapped to a car seat." humor Nora Roberts
e8c3cd8 The men who made the joke saw something deep which they could not express except by something silly and emphatic. humor humour language seriousness G.K. Chesterton
e8c018e Don't look into car headlights and freeze, because you'll either get run over or shot! humor Bill Watterson
a3ba605 Toronto's already ass-deep in cockroaches and conservatives; what's one more lower life-form? humor toronto Tanya Huff
7ae8f9a "...and Lucy." She looked like she might cry. 'What about her?' "Lucy smells like food." She nearly gagged saying it. 'Sol, all that's normal. Lucy smelled good before I turned, and now she smells even better. But I haven't tried to eat her face and neither will you.' "She's not safe in this house." 'Safer than out there,' I argued, even though I agreed with her. 'Look, you used to eat hamburgers.' She blinked, confused. "So?" 'So, did you ever walk through one of the farms at a field party and suddenly try to eat a cow?' "Um, no." Her chuckle was watery but it was better than nothing. "And, ew." 'Exactly. You can crave blood and not eat your best friend." drake-chronicals humor lucy-hamilton nicholas-drake solange-drake vampire Alyxandra Harvey
a1ed069 "Not that I'm complaining. It was better than my old dream, where Harma Dogshead was feeding me to her pigs." "Harma's dead." Jon said. "But not the pigs. They look at me the way Slayer used to look at ham. Not to say that the wildlings mean us harm. Aye, we hacked their gods apart and made them burn the pieces, but we gave them onion soup. What's a god compared to a nice bowl of onion soup? I could do with mine myself." gods humor wildlings George R.R. Martin
a11d7d9 He knew from experience that true and obvious ideas, such as the ineffable wisdom and judgment of the Great God Om, seemed so obscure to many people that you actually had to kill them before they saw the error of their ways... crusades humor missionaries religion Terry Pratchett
380f181 All depression has its roots in self-pity, and all self-pity is rooted in people taking themselves too seriously. humor irony philosophy pity psychology sarcasm self-pity Tom Robbins
dddbdfc She knew a cutting, incisive, withering and above all a self-evident answer existed. It was just that, to her extreme annoyance, she couldn't quite bring it to mind. granny-weatherwax humor Terry Pratchett
a1d776e Inside the mirrored elevator, Mulch used a telescopic pointer to push P for the penthouse. For the first few months he had jumped to reach the button, but that was undignified behavior for a millionaire. And besides, he was certain that Art could hear the thumping from the security desk. humor humor-inspirational Eoin Colfer
b6a3b58 The funny thing was that he wasn't altogether a fool in other ways. Deep down in him there was a kind of stratum of sense. I had known him, once or twice, show an almost human intelligence. But to reach that stratum, mind you, you needed dynamite. humor P.G. Wodehouse
5f7883b He was a man who was charged with the work he did in life because he was not one to ask questions - not so much on account of any natural quality of discretion as because he simply could never think of any questions to ask. ... On the strength of which he had guaranteed himself regular employment for as long as he cared to live. humor Douglas Adams
0c14ef9 "Oh, I didn't think it wise to hide it. Might not be able to find it again," I say, cheerily. "It's sitting in plain view on your chair in the great hall. I do hope that was the best place for it." gemma-doyle humor libba-bray revenge Libba Bray
2669772 Didn't you have any sadistic nannies who told you these tales to keep you quiet and well behaved at night? Heavens, what's to become of the Empire if governesses have lost their touch for scaring the wits out of their girls? bedtime-stories governesses humor libba-bray miss-moore Libba Bray
b4f4888 "A brief hush fell over the table when the guy from the bar approached. After he finished depositing their drinks in the center of the table, Lynn jumped on the opportunity to flirt, winking and smiling prettily at him. "Thanks, cowboy." "Cowboy?" Reaching for her appletini, Piper laughed. Lynn shrugged. "When I picture him in my bed, I see a Stetson and a saddle." Something well-known among their group, ever since she watched John Travolta in Urban Cowboy, she was on a mission to secure herself her very own cowboy. "I bet you see a branding iron too," Jules snickered. Lynn's thoughtful gaze trailed after him as the bartender returned to making drinks." humor series J. C. Valentine
c6ec285 I'm going to eviscerate you and leave your organs on a pike in the yard as a warning to those who wear large jewelry. felicity-worthington gemma-doyle humor libba-bray Libba Bray
50e3bbb Suiffy, have you ever felt a sort of strange emptiness in the heart? A sort of aching void of the soul?' 'Oh, rather!' 'What do you do about it?' 'I generally take a couple of cocktails. alcoholic depression desolation emptiness humor sorrow soul P.G. Wodehouse
e8afab2 It's great having Bruce Springsteen on my show. We have so much in common! We're both from New Jersey, just from different neighborhoods. Sort of like how Martin Luther King and Margaret Mitchell both came from Atlanta. But from different neighborhoods. humor Jon Stewart
86f9037 "As it is, I guess I find "Jack and Diane" a little disgusting. As a child of immigrant professionals, I can't help but notice the wasteful frivolity of it all. Why are these kids not at home doing their homework? Why aren't they setting the table for dinner or helping out around the house? Who allows their kids to hang out in parking lots? Isn't that loitering? I wish there was a song called "Nguyen & Ari," a little ditty about a hardworking Vietnamese girl who helps her parents with the franchised Holiday Inn they run, and does homework in the lobby, and Ari, a hardworking Jewish boy who does volunteer work at his grandmother's old-age home, and they meet after school at Princeton Review. They help each other study for the SATs and different AP courses, and then, after months of studying, and mountains of flashcards, they kiss chastely upon hearing the news that they both got into their top college choices. This is a song teens need to inadvertently memorize. Now that's a song I'd request at Johnny Rockets!" humor Mindy Kaling
b8a172c Without the Project I was nothing but a secretary on a road to nowhere, drifting toward frosted hair and menthol addiction. humor secretary Julie Powell
1260b3b "Although, 's origin circa 1627 made me still love the word, even if I'd ruined its applicability to my connection with Snarl. (I mean !) Like, I could totally see Mrs. Mary Poppencock returning home to her cobblestone hut with the thatched roof in Thamesburyshire, Jolly Olde England, and saying to her husband, "Good sir Bruce, would it not be wonderful to have a roof that doesn't leak when it rains on our green shires, and stuff?" And Sir Bruce Poppencock would have been like, "I say, missus, you're very with your ideas today." To which Mrs. P. responded, "Why, Master P., you've made up a word! What year is it? I do believe it's circa 1627! Let's carve the year--we --on a stone so no one forgets. ! Dear man, you are a genius. I'm so glad my father forced me to marry you and allow you to impregnate me every year." humor lily Rachel Cohn & David Levithan
88cac89 For desert, maybe we can split a couple of crumbs. humor skinny Nicholas Sparks
ee86298 The thing about Botox is that when you've had too much, you then have to fake reactions just to look human--and it's impossible to distinguish real fake reactions from fake fake reactions. humor John Sandford
70e73c5 Women and our right to choose were going to be challenged with Ashcroft around. When Bush appointed Ashcroft, I went out and got me four abortions. I stocked up. The doctor was like, 'Listen, you're not pregnant.' I said, 'Hey, just shut up and do your job. I'm exercising my right while I can, dammit. feminism humor Wanda Sykes
7f86e1c Don't you make fun of me or my children! Some babies are premature. Mine were all postmature. That's why they're so smart. Their brains had longer to develop. humor Jeannette Walls
35057ca "...but with the hours I sometimes kept at the coffeehouse I had to have learned to take naps during the day or die, and I had learned to take naps. Up until five months ago "something or other or die" had always seemed like a plain choice in favor of the something or other." humor naps Robin McKinley
a6f5716 Albert and I would spend hours and hours looking at them. Cleo had this big magnifying glass on his desk, and we'd find centipedes and grasshoppers and beetles and potato bugs, ants . . . and put them in a jar and look at them. They have the sweetest little faces and the cutest expressions. After we'd looked at them all we wanted to, we'd put them in the yard and let them go on about their business. humor Fannie Flagg
aafe95b I challenge you to find a more innocuous sentence containing the words sperm, suction, swallow, and any homophone of seaman. And then call me up on the homophone and read it to me. humor science Mary Roach
0042cd9 As heirs to a legacy more than two centuries old, it is understandable why present-day Americans would take their own democracy for granted. A president freely chosen from a wide-open field of two men every four years; a Congress with a 99% incumbency rate; a Supreme Court comprised of nine politically appointed judges whose only oversight is the icy scythe of Death -- all these reveal a system fully capable of maintaining itself. But our perfect democracy, which neither needs nor particularly wants voters, is a rarity. It is important to remember there still exist other forms of government in the world today, and that dozens of foreign countries still long for a democracy such as ours to be imposed on them. democracy humor politics supreme-court voting Jon Stewart
f0f984b [Jo to her mother] I knew there was mischief brewing. I felt it and now it's worse than I imagined. I just wish I could marry Meg myself, and keep her safe in the family. humor jo marriage siblings Louisa May Alcott
6a5d12a Yes, perhaps, yes' said Gollum. 'Smeagol always helps, if they asks - if they asks nicely.' ''Right!' says Sam. 'I does ask. And if that isn't nice enough, I begs. humor sam-gamgee samwise-gamgee sméagol J.R.R. Tolkien
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